Hi there, Dude!

First of all, your answer to the girl who found porn on her boyfriend’s computer was absolutely outstanding. I found out about my boyfriend’s porn a year into our beautiful relationship. I too was crushed, for I also felt as if I were “not good enough”. My boyfriend tried to explain to me that it had nothing to do with me, and of course… feeling a bit insecure, I overreacted. It took me a while, and a bunch of “Googling” to find out that guys are just complete wankers– and I am now glad to accept that fact.
I just have one underlying question and I don’t know who to ask. Here goes:

I still feel a little bit bummed about the discovery of my boyfriend’s porn for it’s not just any porn. It’s porn with Asian girls or animated Asian girls (not the crazy, female-degrading hentai though). Dude, I’m not an Asian female. Yes I have the light skin and dark hair, but I look nothing like them. I guess I feel bummed because he seems to have an “ideal” kind of girl that I feel I cannot compare to. Doesn’t that mean that sleeping with me or wanking off to the image of me is not as fulfilling as it is when he’s looking at Asian girls? I’m probably over-thinking this whole situation but can you blame me? I live in a society full of factors that could make any girl think the way she does about herself. I just used to feel so beautiful and perfect in his arms, and I do not feel that way so much any more. I love him very much and we look forward to a great future together. I just don’t want to give up on this relationship because of my silly feelings.

I’d also like to say that I have spoken to him about how I feel and he told me that he only masturbates to Asians because they are “cleaner-looking” and don’t act like wild and crazy white girls when having sex. He did tell me once before that he didn’t need to look at his porn because he had me, which did make me feel a wee bit better until I woke up once in the middle of the night to catch him masturbating to his porn. Yeah, so I was crushed even more. What can I do from here?

Always,
Feeling a bit hopeless

Dear Feeling a bit hopeless,

Thanks for the kind critique for one of my all-time favorite “Ask A Dude’s.” I’ve been hoping for a follow-up question and yours couldn’t be more perfect.
Men will OFTEN wank (great word) off to porn featuring types of women that they aren’t dating. Porn is fantasy. To men, porn is a beautiful love story…with the boring parts taken out! (RIP Richard Jenni!) For him to be wanking it to Asian women is not a reflection about how attracted to you he is or isn’t, it’s just that when we settle down, we generally say goodbye to the possibilities of living out certain fantasies and this is one of those for him.

Plus, if all he did was get off to women exactly you’re type then that could have a bit of a numbing effect on his libido. Men are creatures who love variety. Hell, don’t all of us considered people with sexual appetites love variety? Without different tastes and different moods for different kinds of kinks, sex would become pretty damn routine. In some ways, he’s keeping his sexual palette refined…okay, even to me that one sounds like BS, but you see what I’m getting at.

The ideal type for guys changes over time. As we grow and evolve as people, so do our fantasies. And believe it or not, not always do we end up falling in love and spending years of our lives committed to someone who fits our “ideal type”. Because you can’t have your feelings dependent on a checklist of “ideal mate” qualities that you carry around in your purse. That’s not how life works. So, of course, when given a chance to indulge in a fantasy, you end up falling back on an old type or discovering a new type.
Now, what bugs me about his explanation is his argument that Asian porn is cleaner than American porn. Have you seen some of it? That’s a whole kind of personal preference rationale that I’m not sure I personally agree with. I think you can find “dirty” hardcore stuff no matter the niche you’re into at the moment. I think he’s just got a thing for Asian porn and was trying to make up some reason. Bygones.

It’s good that you talked to him about it. Bad he lied and got caught lying. Although, he might have totally sincere with you when he said he didn’t need porn because he had you. A lot of guys have an attachment to porn. It’s a bit of an addiction, like cigarettes or chocolate or Chuck (WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME!!!!) and, we might try to make a clean break of the habit but then relapse after a while. Not that I’m speaking from any kind of experience…

In this dude’s opinion, you don’t need to get worked up over this. Often times in life we have to re-accept things about ourselves and our partners. It sounds like you’ve got a really nice relationship and you sound like you’re headed for a future. Don’t let a minor sexual quirk impede on your ability to have that perspective. Now, if he starts going to discount Asian massage parlors, okay I’d be worried. Short of that, talk to him if you need a little reassurance or have some concerns. Hell, offer to watch it with him one time and see where that takes you. Porn is wish-fulfillment and you already fulfill a lot his wishes.

Godspeed Chuck Bartowski,
The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Standards. Expectations. Rules. Boundaries. Ideals. We all have a variety of personal principles that we like to use to reject people that show some…interest, in us. There are tons of different excuses we come up with. The question really becomes, which ones are rational and which ones are just batsh*t crazy? Where’s the line between legitimate reasons to tell a guy to go back to the time void and when are we just being ridiculously picky? Coming at this issue from the female side, I present you with 11 of the DUMBEST reasons y’all turn down guys:

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Alright, thus concludes my tirade. Anything remind you of an incident in your life? Am I off base? Did I miss any? We all have our petty reasons to reject someone flat off. Doesn’t make it right. Doesn’t mean we’ll change. We could if we really worked hard enough, but Generation-Y kind of got skipped on the whole work ethic thing…a lot of them anyway. Next time on Dude’s List we’ll flip this coin take it from the boys’ side. Get your latex gloves ready…

On the bubble,

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Remember when you got rejected by some snot-nosed brat named Brad because you had a pimple on your forehead and your mom told you he was an idiot and looks don’t matter. She was lying, partly. Looks matter, whether we like it or not.

This isn’t a fat/thin kind of thing. So take your head out of that dark and periled pit filled with Weeping Angels and Halls of Mirrors. Beauty really is subjective, despite whatever environmental standards may have been implanted on our subconscious. But make no mistake, beauty counts when attracting the beasts and the princes alike. When you interact with someone for the first time what do you do? You look at them. And if you don’t like what you’re looking at, things are a bit more uphill from there, aren’t they?

This is a common sense article. Do you give guys a second look if what you see isn’t appealing? Don’t pretend you don’t judge some books by their covers. Everyone does! And that’s okay. It’s natural. “Shiny, good!” We all f*cking do it. No reason to be hypocritical and claim to be immune to such primal determining of potential mates.

When did people suddenly get on this, “only what’s inside a person matters” bullcrap? Don’t dare try to pass off that how you dress, how you get your hair cut, what style you envelope yourself into — hell even what kind of glasses you wear — don’t matter to you. You make choices. You pick. Or you decide not to, because that “don’t care” look is your statement. Oh, it’s all a bit persona reflecting the person. In class, job interviews, with your family, a million different set of circumstances that you make choices to look differently for. Why? Because how you look matters!

And you better believe it does when it comes to sex and love. Regardless if you’ve been together with someone for 2 years, 5 years or 20 years, how you look STILL matters. I mean, let’s be frank. Sometimes part of the thing that distances couples is the fact that they lose their attraction to each other. How does that happen? It’s not JUST — notice the qualification — because you feel like the other person is acting differently, they’re probably looking differently.Less appealing somehow and less stimulating. It takes work and it’s an effort BOTH partners need to make. We have a responsibility to our relationships to keep the spark alive and that requires some calculated or spontaneous changes to our looks.

Hell, we’re all going to evolve our styles and our looks anyway. Aging will dictate the changes we will need to make and help us be motivated to make them. Just to feel better if for no other reason. Because the point, ladies, is not simply “you need to look attractive for him,” it’s that how you look matters more to YOU. Own it!

If you don’t think you look good, no one else is going to. You’ve got to find that happy comfort in your body and in that comfort is your inner hotness that will radiate outward, for all to see.

Dear Dude,

I have been with my wonderful boyfriend for 1.5 years. He is from Michigan, which is where all of his family and friends are. We recently moved in with each other. He told me in the beginning that he had a lot of female friends and if I had a problem with it that we wouldn’t work out. That was fine for me because I also have male friends.

A few weeks ago his ex girlfriend of three years contacted him. He used to say that he couldn’t stand her and wanted nothing to do with her because she did him so wrong. Now every time he tries to show me something on his phone, I see a text message or the last call is from his ex. It’s not as if it’s a friend that has kept in touch with for a long time over the years, it’s an ex he couldn’t stand and now all of the sudden they have this friendship.

It really does bother me, but I feel like I can’t say anything because he said if he can’t have female friends then he and I won’t work out. He was almost engaged to this person and brags about how they never used to fight. This is making me feel very insecure. What do I do?

Thanks!

Dear…Stormageddon (When you don’t provide a pseudonym I get to make up my own!)

There’s not wanting to make him think you can’t handle the situation and then there’s not handling the situation. Right now, it sounds like you’re dangerously close to falling off the edge here.

I’ll present you with a simple choice to make: either destroy your relationship by driving yourself crazy, or run the risk of driving him crazy, which, honestly, you won’t do if you TALK TO HIM!

Everybody all together now: communication is key. It’s such a simple but essential guideline maintaining a healthy relationship or rescuing one that’s trapped in a Pandorica of emotional baggage. You’ve got to talk about what’s bothering you. And so long as you do it with clarity when you approach him, you’re not going to trip his trigger.

You being upset about him getting back on friendly terms with an ex he led you to believe he couldn’t stand isn’t the same as being upset that he has female friends. Apples and nectarines. Make that clear with him. It’s not about “women” in his life, it’s confusion and insecurity due to the contradiction of what he says and does with regards to her. That’s where it’s coming from, he looks suspicious because he says one thing but is doing another and, yeah, I’d get edgy if I were you, too. Hiding it is only going to make things worse.

Why’s he talking to an ex he claims he couldn’t stand? Because guys will do that. Sorry to sound general but, yeah, we do that. We have communication with our exes who pulverized our hearts into a million bazillion pieces. Sometimes it’s nostalgia, wanting to get some closure and not feel like we wasted our feelings on a complete bitch, that we want to come off as the bigger person, and on rare occasion because there are those lingering feelings we like to keep a bit of a tie to. Let’s face it, we’ve all got people from our past that we still have a “what if” thought about at times. And this could be that person for him. And you may have to deal with that. Or not. You won’t know until you talk to him.

Don’t drive yourself to the nunnery because you bottle up your worries. Be clear, decisive and honest. Then, listen. You may not like the answer but at the very least you’ll make him aware that you’re upset and why you’re upset. At the worst, you’ll have to deal with his behavior and deal with his insecurity. The choice is yours.

Mission Accepted,

The Dude

I’m the Dude with a blue box called the Tardis that allows me to explore the ends of time and space-wait that’s another guy with a ‘D’ sounding name isn’t it? Better than that, I’m a Dude that knows the inner workings of Dudes and I’m ready to spill all, whether you’re ready or not. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com.

Dear Dude,

Here’s the situation: about a year ago I lost my virginity to this guy, let’s call him Charlie. I had started to fall in love with him a while before that, but the problem was that he was dating my cousin, let’s call her Carla, and they had been together for about a year. We started talking and hooking up occasionally (no sex) until last December she found out. They broke up and then a few days after that I had sex with him, which Carla also found out about. Charlie and I started seeing each other on a regular basis for about a month or two until I left for a month of vacation. When I came back they had gotten back together, but we still slept together anyways. In February we finally ended our physical relationship, but still kept talking on a regular basis. He was back with Carla and I was completely devastated. In March I met my current boyfriend and decided I was going to get over Charlie and I cut him off from my life in every way for about two months, until one day I couldn’t take it anymore and texted him, which eventually led to talking and hooking up again.

Charlie and Carla had been together until very recently, when they supposedly broke up definitively. I have betrayed my cousin, with whom I don’t speak to since last year, I have betrayed my boyfriend various times (he doesn’t know), as Charlie and I speak almost every day and have sex about once every 1-2 weeks, and I have been feeling like a terrible person for the past year. I have gone to therapy, I’ve told my closest friends and even my mother about this but I still can’t get over this guy. He’s made it clear he wants no relationship from me, but when we are together he is a complete gentleman and the physical attraction between us is the greatest I have ever felt. But I love my boyfriend, too… Do I fight for Charlie like I never actually have, or try to disconnect myself from him once more and try to focus on my relationship with my loving boyfriend? Love or lust? Help!

Dear…Sal Valestra

(Seriously, ladies, please include a pseudonym or I’ll just keep making up geeky names to call you.)

If it were a movie, no one would believe you. Also, not a lot of folks might like you, but some might. There’re no two ways about it: you’ve got it bad for one boy that you’ve never really been allowed to have and have another boy that’s never really had you. Do you confess? Do you fight for the unattainable? First thing to do is look at what this whole thing’s cost you and what it has given you.

It cost you a relationship with your cousin. Of course, you might not have liked your cousin, who knows? Probably not, based on the evidence. You’ve caused yourself to constantly live a lie and live under the possibility of being found out by your current boyfriend. You’ve been playing the other woman to your cousin, who this guy is still very much not over and, additionally, he doesn’t want anything from you. So, you’ve sabotaged, used, been used, betrayed, had lots of great sex, managed to snag a nice boy, keep another guy on the side and set yourself up for a ton more drama. That’s what you’ve taken and given from the situation.

What could you possibly do to top all of that?

It sounds to me like you don’t want your boyfriend. I’m sorry, but the way you’ve treated him just doesn’t make me trust the idea that you love him. Oh, you can hurt people you love, but you can’t keep hurting them and expect your love to gain weight. At least from an outside party’s perspective. You want “Carl.” So, go for him. Dump the boyfriend.

You’ve dug a heck of a hole for yourself and there’s no way you’re coming out of it clean. Period. You can come out of it with a clear sense of what you want and what you need. You want “Carl.” You’ve wanted “Carl” and now’s the time if there was ever going to be one. The question is, does “Carl” want you? Beats me. Sounds like he might and he might not. It might take some time before he gets his head on straight, if ever.

There’s something fascinating about this kind of relationship drama we weave for ourselves. Lust can destroy trust. Lust is a powerful and addictive drug. Like most drugs you have periods where you it helps more than it hurts until it hurts more than it helps. And then you’ll take a break and come back to it. There’s no question it sounds like you’re a bit addicted to what you have with “Carl.” And why wouldn’t you be? I’m not placing blame or judgment on it. Lots of people fall into it. It’s just you betrayed several people at the expense of your drug of choice. And that you can stop right now!

End it with the boyfriend and go after the lust bunny that you really want. Will you end up alone? Maybe. But you might also just get some closure. You could also just tell you BF what you’ve been doing the whole time behind his back and ask for forgiveness. That’s if you want to keep him. Which I don’t think you really do.

I hate to go off on a bit of a rant here but let’s be honest about infidelity: it’s a betrayal and major act of disrespect to the person you’re cheating on. The lines with poly relationships are blurrier and more complex but even in such cases infidelity does still exist. Infidelity is about breaking the boundaries and trust of the relationship you’re in. Whatever those boundaries and trusts are. Violations of that kind are insulting as well as injuring. You can make all the excuses in the world, claim to be out of control, but let’s not scapegoat on hormones or social constructs. People choose to cheat. People choose to violate. People choose to give in. Rarely are you made to at knife-point or gunpoint and then we don’t call it cheating, do we? We call it a far worse act. And make no mistake you haven’t done anything against your will. Now you’ve just got to clean up your mess the best you can.

Make another choice. Move forward. End the duplicity, one way or the other. You’ll be amazed at how much less stress you might find yourself. There will probably be consequences but, hey, cause and effect. All you can do is try to make the next choice as best you can.

Choosing…wisely,

Indiana Dude

I’m the Dude with a blue box called the Tardis that allows me to explore the ends of time and space-wait that’s another guy with a ‘D’ sounding name isn’t it? Better than that, I’m a Dude that knows the inner workings of Dudes and I’m ready to spill all, whether you’re ready or not. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com.

There’s an old joke/myth/we-hope-it’s-a-myth that a woman learns everything about a guy within 5 minutes of meeting him to decide whether or not she’ll f*ck him. Well, guess what, ladies? We can learn a lot about you in 5 minutes, too! Whatever you think you’re revealing, there just might be a few things you’re putting out that you may not even be aware of. But we’re aware of it. Here’re 11 things we notice within 5 minutes of meeting you:

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5 minutes can tell you everything you’ll need to know about a person…regarding whether you can stand to spend another 5 minutes with them. But beyond the obvious physical traits, there’s a lot to be discerned, deciphered and delved into. Every guy has things he automatically looks to identify when he first meets someone. And every guy’s tendencies are different. What I’ve given you is a playful taste. Don’t be surprised if you see a Part II of this Dude’s List somewhere down the line. But now I want to hear you turn the tables. What can you tell about us in the first 5 minutes?

Tick, tick, tick,

The Dude

I’m the Dude with a blue box called the Tardis that allows me to explore the ends of time and space-wait that’s another guy with a ‘D’ sounding name isn’t it? Better than that, I’m a Dude that knows the inner workings of Dudes and I’m ready to spill all, whether you’re ready or not. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com.

Hey Dude!

I have known this guy for six years now and we dated for the first four. We stopped talking to each other after we broke up and we didn’t see each other for almost two years. The break up was just because we grew apart and were going in different directions in our lives (at the time). Other than that, we had a pretty good relationship.

Recently, we reconnected at a mutual friend’s party and we started dating again. The first couple of weeks were cool because all those old feelings we had for each other started coming back, and we were really passionate with each other. Then he lets me know that there’s this girl he’s been friends with for the two years we weren’t together and he has feelings for her…but also has feelings for me. However, this girl’s basically friend-zoned the sh*t out of him. She’s one of those “attention-whores.” She leads guys on and never takes them seriously. This is something he’s also realized himself.

So after this, I’ll be honest, I was kind of hurt, but I told him I was cool with it. We weren’t in a relationship or anything, so there wasn’t anything I could b*tch about.

Lately, our sex life’s been pretty much dead. I’m a very sexual person and not a selfish lover, so I basically throw myself at the guy and he makes excuses or just “isn’t all there” during sex, rendering it pointless.

I don’t know what to do. I love him. I never stopped loving him. But now, I’m feeling like he’s not reciprocating. Where do I go from here?

Thanks so much,

Beckz

Dear Beckz,

To quote Xena when she rescued Hercules from a mob that was beating him after believing he killed his wife, “the time when we could be together has past.” Devastating to fandom everywhere but unfortunately applicable to your situation.

The bottom line is that he says he cares about you, and I’m sure he does care about you, but there’s another woman. Right now you’re in a position where you’re at the whim of his choice, well, her choice in fact. If this other girl were to give him a chance, would he bail on you? That’s the question you’ve got to ask yourself. Because, to an extent, it sounds like he’s settling for you. He just doesn’t sound ready to be with you and may never be. So, what can you do?

First, you absolutely can b*tch about this. In fact, you might need to. Do you have a relationship claim? No. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt and if you’re in pain you’ve got the right to express that pain (just don’t commit a felony in how you choose to unleash it).

Second, you can make a decision: fight or flight. To fight would mean to sit him down and tell him what you want. Flight involves you cutting your losses. Of course, recon is a third option…

Wait and see. You can always keep things as they are and react accordingly. That’s also a recipe for getting your heart pureed. Still, it’s an option. If you’re patient enough to see how things play out a bit then by all means go for it. The fact you’re writing in leads me to believe you’re reaching your make-it or break-it point. And why the Hell not?

He’s down in the dumps over another woman and you’re caught in the wake of his being rejected. Where he’s at emotionally and mentally is not where you’re at. You’ve either got to find a page you both can get on or start reading another book. Things have shifted in the two years you’ve been apart and you’ve got to shift with them. Don’t let his indecision and baggage bog you down into something that has the potential to lop you off at the weak knees.

Rolling with the motion of the ocean,

The Dude

I’m the Dude with a blue box called the Tardis that allows me to explore the ends of time and space-wait that’s another guy with a ‘D’ sounding name isn’t it? Better than that, I’m a Dude that knows the inner workings of Dudes and I’m ready to spill all, whether you’re ready or not. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com.

A relationship often requires a bit of sacrifice and a lot of compromise. We all have to learn to accept and roll with aspects of our partner, or his/her life, that we don’t always understand or necessarily agree with. That’s called maturity, right? And building intimacy? I think…Now, those things aside there comes a point where you might just need to say “Hell no!” and walk off into the freedom of singledom again. Here are 11 things that no woman should ever put up with in a relationship…

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There you have 11 things that no woman should ever put up with in a relationship. Some more severe than others, perhaps. And I’ll admit to a bit of personal bias on a few of them. My question to you, ladies, is which of these HAVE you put up with in the past? Which haven’t you? What are your deal breakers? What are your big no-no’s? Spill all in the comments below and let’s making this a learning experience for everyone. Silence need not fall.

Handling the truth,

The Dude

I’m the Dude with a blue box called the Tardis that allows me to explore the ends of time and space-wait that’s another guy with a ‘D’ sounding name isn’t it? Better than that, I’m a Dude that knows the inner workings of Dudes and I’m ready to spill all, whether you’re ready or not. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com.

Dear Dude,

I love your column. Read it every week. I’m just curious about the “dude” insight on my situation, because it’s so complicated, like…I can’t even.

My story: I am newly single after a year long semi-hellish long distance relationship. Not really looking for anything serious, a little jaded, but if I met someone who I thought was good enough I wouldn’t turn and run away from it. I’m a big believer in the “He’s Just Not That Into You” philosophy that if a dude really wants to date/be committed to someone, he will. That was until I met this guy.

He’s 23, I’m only 20, and we met at a party about a month ago. We always have a great time together, and uh…well the hooking up is nice (read: amazing). I mean it’s at the point where he just assumes I’m staying the night if I come over. After our first time hanging out, he mentioned that he’s all “dead inside” and basically turned off to the idea of dating right now because some vapid woman broke his heart a year and a half ago, and at the time so was I – I mean my ass had just got dumped. I wanted to be a single hot mess for a while, but the constant texting/hanging out is leaving me very confused. Plus, I’m like – dude it’s been a year and a half, it’s time to get over it.

He said verbatim last night, “You’re awesome. I would be an idiot not to date you. Anyone would, I just can’t or don’t like the whole idea behind relationships. I can’t fail if I don’t try.” So I get it, he’s being loud and clear – he’s not looking to be committed and serious right now and that is perfectly okay with me, but I wonder if there’s a chance he’ll ever want to actually date me, ’cause besides being “dead inside” he’s basically exactly what I was looking for. I mean, he said he liked where things were at right now, he refers to me as his “ladyfriend” to his guy friends – and I’ve met a few of them, that’s not f*ckbuddy behavior…He did mention that he’s new to the whole casually dating thing which could explain some of the PDA and other boyfriend behaviors, but I feel like if he didn’t want to do those things, he wouldn’t.

As far as where I’m at…I don’t mind things the way they are. I like “casually seeing someone.” Enough to get my mother off my back about having a boyfriend, but free to do my own thing every once and a while too. I’m pretty independent, but I am really starting to like this guy so I like to think that it COULD go somewhere. Am I over thinking this? Does the guy even like me? Am I wasting my time?

I hate everything.

Dear I Hate Everything,

As a general rule of thumb, when you ask yourself “Am I over-thinking this?” You’re probably over-thinking it. Or at least you’re on the border of over-thinking. In my opinion: You’re reasonably over thinking it. And it’s because he’s giving you giving you mixed signals.

Keeping things casual is a tough f*cking thing to do the first time you try it. Hell, some people simply CAN’T do it. It’s just not how they’re built. This guy though, he doesn’t really seem to get the whole concept. YOU DON’T ACT LIKE A BOYFRIEND IF ALL YOU WANT TO BE IS A F*CKBUDDY. Of course, maybe he doesn’t want to just keep it casual but he’s too scared to go past the line. Personally, I think he’s a pussy.

He’s a pussy. He says he wants to date you but he’s scared of it failing. So he doesn’t. He’s a pussy. I understand why he’s being one, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t one. Look, getting your heart shattered into a million bagillion pieces could take a year to get over or ten years. But you don’t get over it until you’re willing to try and explore a connection with another person. She chopped off his balls and he hasn’t grown them back, yet.

How do you deal with a pussy? This is the question underneath the semantics. There are two options that come to me off the top of my head: You use the stick or you use the carrot.

The carrot will take much longer, require a lot more patience, but it might be the easier transition method. You slowly increase you affectionate behavior matching his, and then up it a little, then when he matches you/surpasses you, you up it until you get to a point where, in the middle of a Hallmark moment, you’ll say something to the extent of, “I just want to be like this with you all the time.” Thereby manipulating him into a comfort zone where he’s ready to move things to the next level. Then again, there’s the stick.

Now, granted, the stick’s a little more definitive and, IMO, the most effective. Because it doesn’t take sacrifice and putting yourself through a lot of hoops for him, but it does involve more risk. The stick is you tell him what you want, why you want it, why you think he can handle it, and you don’t walk away until the two of you have made the decision: yes or no. Yes, you’ll give it a real shot or no it’s never going to happen. If no, then start scouting for new talent.

Right now you’re driving yourself nuts because he’s stuck and you’re spinning all around him. Unstuck him. You can do it however seems best. Just stop spinning and get an answer for yourself. You’re not asking him for a big commitment, you’re just asking him to take down a wall or two.

Allons-y!

The Doctor Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Breasts, mammaries, ta-tas, bazooms, melons, watermelons, balloons, boobs, boobies, chesticles, rack, honkers, hooters, headlights, baby feeding devices, pillows, snugglers, smugglers, and PUPPIES!

More than the Tardis and the Intersect, breasts are the greatest creation on God’s green earth? No? F*ck you, yes they are. Stonehenge could crumble, sliced bread can eat me and space may be the final frontier, but sure as s*it ain’t my favorite. Or ANY heterosexual male’s favorite for that matter. Men are obsessed with breasts. We are. Accept it. I’m not saying you need to like it, but it’ll save you a world of wishing death if you admitted it. The question isn’t whether Bourbon St. at Mardi Gras is our heaven, the question is: Why?

Well, I’ve got a few theories swirling in my brain. First, I think we’ve got breast envy. That’s right, I said it! Men love boobs because we’re without. They’re just so much fun! All we get to play with are our pricks and that’s pretty limiting.

Part of me thinks it’s a power thing. Breasts hold sway over us. We know they dominate us, and that therefore entices and as frustrates us. Women are the dominant gender for SEVERAL reasons, and two of them are staring at our chest while our eyes try to steer upwards.

Another part of me (I refuse to name which part) thinks this is a dignity issue. Ever notice that when a woman’s naked it’s considered sexy, but male nudity is funny? You know why? Breasts! Without them we just look like deformed Ken dolls.

Perhaps there’s something to do with Oedipal desires/milk of life, and therefore a reverence for the power to create life. Although, truth be told, I wasn’t breast fed and I’m clearly still a victim to my double-D compulsion. Thus, I dismiss this particular theory! One down at least…

Maybe we’re all trying to over-think it too much. It could just be a callback to the primitive amygdala in our brains. Breasts are an indication of a potential mate with which to procreate and we are programmed to procreate. I wonder if breast size and shape, in the days before homo-sapiens wore clothes, had bearing on who one would wish to knock over the head with a club and drag back to their caves. Of course, being a shower vs. a grower could’ve also had the same affect for you ladies.

I like to think that as we’ve evolved, size doesn’t matter as much. It certainly doesn’t for me. I’ve been in lust with women who I’ve had bigger mammaries than, and you better believe I still loved seeing them in low-cut tops. That’s it! It’s the fact that breasts — of all sizes — are magical!

Think about all you can do with those babies. I mean, you can dress them up or down. You can create all sorts of optical illusions so that they appear to be all different shapes and sizes. Or you can literally display them as works of performance art. You even have the opportunity to augment them if you want! Tough to do with testicles. We only get implants to replace, not to enhance. And if you’re in the adult entertainment industry, you can even write them off! Even the IRS loves them. Holy tax deduction, Batman!

To an extent, I want to apologize to all of you ladies on behalf of my gender. We do ogle. We do stare. We revel and worship. We are reduced to horny toads and come off as disrespectful almost all of the time. I don’t know if there will come a day when our obsession will die down, but I do believe it’s a miracle you put up with us. I mean, we don’t even consciously choose to look at them, we just do. There’s certainly something instinctual going on. Instinctual that often crosses the line to insulting, skeevy even.

You’re the heroes, not just for being the gatekeepers, but for not having squished most of our eyes to jelly after you turn fourteen. Could you help solve the mystery? Why do you think men are obsessed with your…you knows? In what ways do you think man’s fixation on them has helped or hindered you? Tell us. Teach us. Punish us?