Dear Dude,

So I recently hooked up with one of my best guy friends. I was ridiculously drunk and he was well on his way (leaning towards being more sober, though, from what I heard). We talked about it and agreed it was a case of drunken horniness, we even joked about it! It’s been made clear that I am his best friend, telling me very private things. Problem: we hooked up again, although this time we were both pretty much sober…. he called me his ex’s name and I did the same to him! We tried to brush it off again, joking again, making it clear that there are no romantic feelings on both sides. What bothers me now is that he treats me different, we are no longer as close as we used to be, and he is very cold to me. What did I do wrong? What’s the problem?? And what can I do to make it right??

Sincerely,

Friendless and Pantiless

Dear Friendless and Pantiless,

You’re friends? You’re FRIENDS? You’re not just friends. Once you engage in the horizontal mating dance (or vertical if you’ve got the balance) you’re no longer JUST friends. You’re FWB. And if you’re FWB who didn’t necessarily mean to be, then you’re flirting with reverting to becoming even less than friends.

Hook up once? Blame it on the booze. Hook up twice? Blame it on the moods. But call out the names of your exes in the throws? A third time may never cum.

If you two did anything wrong, it was done by both of you. This isn’t a situation where you can claim the blame for his cold shoulder. That’s his choice, too. But let’s face it, you’re in an awkward spot! You both tried something and, for better or worse, it changed the nature of what you were: strictly friends. Does this always happen to every pair of pals that part with their pants and panties? No. But this is what happened in your case. And now you either reach out or hold back. Them’s two of the main options you’ve got.

One time is one time. Two times? Well, it’s more than one time, ain’t it? When you blur the lines, you got to redefine where the lines are. It’s all about communication. If you pretend it didn’t happen or minimize it, then that’s a statement. What’s the statement? It could be trying to preserve the friendship, it could be staving off possible weirdness, or it could be an attempt to deny delving deeper with something that’s developing. You’ve got to determine which it is for you. But right now, he sounds like he’s a bit freaked out by what happened and doesn’t know how to deal, so he’s distancing…which is a legit action, but he’s not telling you that that’s what he needs to do. Or he’s just trying to pull away because it got weird calling each other your exes’ names! But he’s not telling you, so you don’t know…OR he’s a bit freaked that this could lead to something he’s not ready for…but same issue: he ain’t communicatin’!

So if he won’t talk, that means you’ve got to step up. If you feel like this is something you don’t want to fester and build into something bigger, then grab it before it gets too far gone from you. Call him up or call him out and say: “This happened. Then this happened. I kind of get the first thing, but I’m not understanding why the second thing. What’s going on and how we can move past it together?” But in your own words and with more specificity.

Or you could let it play out and be passive instead of proactive. Choice is yours. But choose soon and choose wisely, because the longer you let it ride, the harder it’ll be to get back on the track you want to be on.

Your BFF,

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Hey Dude,

So I’ve been hooking up with this guy for about two months. After about a month and a half he confronted me at a party that he needed more out of the relationship and wanted to “get to know me better.” For the next week things were great. Fast forward one week and I don’t hear from him at all. I text him a few times and don’t hear back. I asked him to talk and when he called me he got very defensive. He said that he was not a guy that will text me or call me during the week and then he couldn’t be in any sort of relationship. I then reminded him that I was not looking for a relationship and that he was the one who initiated the original conversation. He’s out of town for the next two weeks and we left it that we would see each other when he gets back. How can I salvage the hooking up part of the relationship without seeming like I want a relationship (because I don’t)? And why would he contradict himself like that?

-Confused College Girl

Dear Confused College Girl,

I’m almost as confused as you. He begs for things to get more serious and then seemingly bows out? Douchey. Not going to sugar coat it.

Guys can be total tools sometimes. Alright, a lot of times. This is a case where he’s saying one thing and doing another. Or as we like to call it, being an immature and irresponsible human being. Why is he being an immature and irresponsible human being who deserves a Sarah Walker asskicking?

There are some guys who say they want more but don’t actually have a grasp of what “more” means. They think it’s a label and an exclusive contract on you whenever they want. It’s almost more about convenience and assurance than an actual emotional commitment, or a trial period for an emotional commitment. Then there’s the school of thought that a relationship consists of rules and obligations that suddenly squeeze out all the spontaneity and dulls your sex life dramatically (which happens if you think it’ll happen, otherwise known as The Secret). And then there are those who just think “more” means “marriage”. This guy definitely isn’t coming off like a member of the latter category.

He could be scared or he could just not have a clue. My vote’s that he’s clueless. Treat him as such. He has no idea what he actually asked for involves the two of you coming together and making an effort, changes the circumstances of your relationship, and implies certain commitments you determine to make to one another. He thinks a week is enough and then he’ll be on his schedule until you fit back into his. Or he’s just NOT THINKING. Either way, when you see him next you’ve got to set the record straight about what you want.

There’s no going back to the way it was. It’s going to be something new from here on out, one way or the other. You’ve now seen and experienced this side of him. Don’t ignore it and don’t dismiss it. Keep this in mind from now on whenever you deal with him. Because if you want to just hook up, then you make it clear that that’s all there’s going to be.

Just don’t expect his answers to make sense and you’ll give yourself less grief.

“Puny god,”

The Incredible Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

The title pretty much says it all, doesn’t it? I mean, this isn’t exactly rocket science, this is common f*cking sense. Which not everyone is born with or develops. A lot of guys out there are assholes. They are. Certainly EVERYONE has the potential to ACT like an asshole every once in a while. So the question becomes, how do you know if this is who he is or how he’s acting in the moment? There are tons of ways to tell, and it doesn’t take very long to discern. George Carlin claimed you could know within 5 minutes of talking to someone. Here are 11 signs he’s an asshole…

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And there you have it, Ladies, 11 signs he’s an a-hole. I’m positive I missed a ton. What do you agree with? Disagree with? Think should have been on the list? Do you have a Top 10 Signs list as well? Fire away in the comments below…oh, and for those of you who think I’m being bias by just singling out the boys…just you wait.

Only funny things are jokes to me,

The Dude

I’ve been on a bunch of job interviews. I’ve been interviewed by one person, a panel of three, in multiple cities, for varying sizes of companies, and for everything from retail to administrative to creative positions. There are a few general rules for job interviewing:

Eye contact
Speak succinctly and with clarity
Allow the interviewer to lead the interview
Bring multiple copies of your resume handy
Do prior research on the company your interviewing with

These will definitely help get you out of The Shire. However, there’s one golden rule above them all that is guaranteed to make you a “can’t miss” prospect.

It’s not about what they can do for you, it’s about what you can do for them.

They called you in. They called you in to see what you can offer them. This approach will have you focus on what your strengths are, allow you to comment on what exemplifies the company you want to be apart of, and how you can become an indispensable addition, because you can contribute.

Maybe you can refill a stapler in under 6.5 seconds. Maybe you can run a half-mile in 2 minutes-whatever your skills, strengths, or accomplishments, this kind of mentality allows you to focus on those and how they work within the system you’re attempting to get involved with.

You don’t have to phrase this as in, “This is what I think you’re missing,” but rather, “This is what I love about this place, and here’s how I can add something to it.” It makes you appear proactive, eager, appreciative, and a team player. Because that’s the key to any job: remembering that you’re not going to be on your own the whole time but working with other people.

It’s not about what they can do for you, it’s about what you can do for them.

Every question they ask, think that thought. Every time you see an opening to elaborate on an answer, think that thought. It’s a way of keeping your focus in the room. You have something to offer them. Make the offer.

Always Be Closing,

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to editor [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Dear Dude,

Here’s the deal: I’ve got this guy that I’ve been friends with since Freshman year. We see each other at parties and are kind of always on the outsides of circles that cross paths, you know? Cut to a couple of months ago after this party where we both had a bit too much to drink– we hooked up. And it was AMAZING. Best sex ever. Since then we’ve been spending a lot of time together, but the thing is that neither of us wants a serious thing right now. We’re only 21, you know? We want to keep our options open, but we don’t want to lose what we’ve got either. So I’ve heard about people having “open” relationships, but I don’t hear about a lot of them that ever end up well. So I guess my question is: what are the rules to an open relationship? Are they different for every open relationship? How do you hash those out?

Thanks, Dude.

Girl With A Dolphin Tattoo

Dear Girl With A Dolphin Tattoo,

Totally get where you’re coming from, and yes, there are a lot of pitfalls to an open relationship. Some figure they’re doomed to be temporary just based on the nature of them, and I’m not entirely certain those critics are wrong. Of course, I’m not really sure they’re right, either. It all depends, like every relationship, on how you two grow with each other rather than away from each other.

I do think that EVERY relationship is like…well, a snowflake. No two are the same. No two have the exact same dynamics or a pair of partners with the exact same needs. There’s no recipe for a long-lasting relationship, open, poly, closed, monogamous, whatever! There’s only what you two decide is best for you two. This, of course, doesn’t mean that I don’t have an opinion or two, maybe even a couple of pointers, or some mild suggestions…

First off: How much do you want to know about the other people you’re being…open…with? There are pros for full disclosure and pros against full disclosure. Some think if you’re hiding someone, then it’s serious. Some don’t want to know, because it ignites a jealous streak. Is it a case of TMI or Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell?

Second issue: Priority status. You’ve got go the extra effort to let each other know that “you are my number 1 guy!” (It’s funnier if you imagine Jack Nicholson saying it while groping at Bob the Goon’s pleather jacket).

You have to be totally upfront and honest with each other about what you want, what you need, and vice versa. You can’t shy away from tough conversations, and you can’t leave questions unanswered. What goes unsaid is probably going to be the toughest challenge, because you know what’s being left unmentioned has a name and a vagina.

Talk it out, be clear about what you both want and don’t want, and then play it by ear. And as your needs change, you need to tell him. As separate as you want things to be at times, you need to make sure the times you are together are the most intimate times.

Opening Up Possibilities,

The Dude

I was one of the fortunate fanboy fanatics to have seen the 12:02am showing of Marvel’s The Avengers last Thursday. And HOLY SH*TBALLS!

The number one reason, Ladies, why you should go see this movie – and you DEFINITELY should run to see this movie – is because…IT’S A GODDAMN GOOD MOVIE! (Apologies, Allfather for the blaspheming.)

Joss Whedon’s pulled off one of the greatest magic tricks in the annals of cinema. It’s a movie filled with leading men who already have their own following, epic stakes, monsters, and still manages to be character-driven.

What you’ll take away from the film aren’t the explosions resulting from an alien invasion, it’s the explosions of personalities colliding and finding ways to not just co-exist but connect to one another. Ladies, let me give you the rundown of “must-see” reasons that this film is for you:

Strong female protagonist:
Scarlett Jo. It’s no secret that she was shoehorned into Iron Man 2. While getting a decent treatment, she was a pawn in an overcrowded and overburdened sequel. Here, Whedon goes back to his bread and butter, crafting a performance tailored to an actor’s strengths, and those strengths include intelligence. Just when you think he might have let her go and given her a plodding plot-driven moment to get from point H to point I, he gives you a reversal that makes you realize that The Black Widow’s been done more justice in this film than in the majority of her comic book career.

The Chris’s:
Evans ass in lots of it in blue spandex…some even in khakis. And Hemsworth’s divine biceps. Whedon has definitely given more eye candy for y’all than for us…and we were given Scarlett Jo and Cobie Smoulders – I mean Smulders. Ladyboners galore await you.

The bravery to have fun:
The dialogue crackles louder than the gunfire…and Robert Downey, Jr. being, well, Robert Downey, Jr. Rarely do you see a big budget studio mandated popcorn flick that provides a master class in comedic timing. Half of this movie is spent in anticipation of the punchline, and they’re almost all perfectly timed.

It’s made for you:
It’s a movie that doesn’t talk down to its audience. Action films, particularly those associated with comic book properties, have a stigma that they’re dumbed-down storytelling. Popcorn flicks. Folks, this is the rare popcorn flick that is absolutely filling. Whedon’s at the top of his craft. The care given to character, a camera that is almost always checking in so that you never get lost, and capturing the moments it needs to keep everyone engaged. No character is forgotten for the sake of pacing and every featured character has AT LEAST one moment that allows them to not just play a part, but inhabit a human being that has needs, wants and fears.

Joss Whedon’s made a damn near perfect genre film. Whedon is completely in tune with what the audience is expecting, what we want, and when to give it to us. And even gives us a few extra gems that we didn’t know how much we’d enjoy.

Fantastic performances from the principles and the supporting cast. Real people amidst a fantastical world that’s been finally cemented after years of hype. A razor-sharp script that treats its audience with respect and passion. This isn’t a movie, it’s an experience…with a vengeance!

Joss Whedon: I kneel before the master.

Assembled,

The Dude

[Lead image via lev radin/Shutterstock]

What happens?

I mean, seriously, what happens? Something must. Something changes. Everything started out so well–the great sex, talks that lasted until sunrise, spooning ‘til class at noon, clothes were optional, and fun was constant. You clicked. You had the best start to a relationship you could have imagined. Fast forward and you’re alone again. Back to the original question: What happens?

There are plenty of reasons that a great relationship breaks apart. There are all kinds of circumstances: distance, time, stress, and so on that push two people, who collided with enough force to give a hiccup to the sonic barrier, into opposite directions. But the number one killer of a great relationship is simple: You Start Expecting.

There’s no greater killer of a beautiful bond between two people than expectations. When you start looking for something to go wrong, expecting something to change, or develop a time-line for how things are going to “progress,” you might as well just walk out the door and de-friend him on Facebook. Neuroses is a tricky animal. We all have our issues. We’re a psychologically oriented and, one can make an argument, obsessed at times. And our psyches can create havoc when we start to hope, because the flip-side of hoping is being afraid.

When there’s no commitment, there’s less pressure. When there’s pressure, there’s the fear of loss, because suddenly you have something. And when you have something, most people try to figure out what you do with it, where to go with it, avoid letting it slip through your cracks, and there’s nothing worse than when we begin poking holes into the fabric of our hopes.

The secret to overcoming our fears and not getting in the way of our own happiness is to simply accept what we can’t control. You can’t make a relationship last longer than it’s meant to. You can’t force it to be better. You can’t manipulate it or schedule it to progress and evolve in a certain way that you think it should. You have to let go of the phrase “supposed to” and just be content in “this is this.”

You give in to a relationship, you don’t get one.
You accept that it’s a partnership, you don’t need to worry about carrying the burden of its success or failure on your own shoulders.
You take it one day at a time and don’t give over to worries about tomorrow, next week, or next year.
You put some faith in yourself and the other person.
You put some faith into the relationship.
You let things happen instead of making them happen.

And those steps right there are how you can walk out of your own path to having a long lasting relationship. Don’t judge your neuroses, don’t ridicule your fears, accept them as they are parts of what make you you. But you don’t have to let them control you.

Communicate. React. Adapt. Move forward with the present circumstances, not what you prefer the present circumstances to be.

We all want things to work out. We all have to work at relationships to have them work out. Just don’t assume there’s only one way for it to work out. That’s all I’m saying. Let it happen.

Enjoying It While It Lasts,

The Dude

[lead image via Yuri Arcurs / Shutterstock]

In every relationship, one of the inevitable question you get asked is: “Who’s wearing the pants?” Why? Because pants used to be considered a signature masculine piece of clothing and men were considered the dominant partner. Because of his dick. Yes, by sheer virtue of having a member, he was considered the member of a special club: The Pants Wearing Club. Well, times have changed. Times have most certainly changed. And things we used to consider being strictly feminine, of the “weaker sex”, guys are dabbling in and some have already cannonballed into. Let’s face it, Ladies, some of your boys act more like the “girl” in the relationship. Here are 8 signs that you’re wearing the pants:

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Now look, we could go on and on and on and on and on listing, discussing, dismissing, and reminiscing about all the times you killed the cockroach while he was standing on a chair. But we’ve all got sh*t to do, and I don’t want to take up more than a thousand words of your time. From here on out, it’s your job to chew my ass for perpetuating gender stereotypes or to add some anecdotal tidbits to this bad boy. I’ll say this for the girly men, they usually pick the strongest women to latch onto. Take it as a compliment.

Running wild on you!

Dudeamania

Hey Dude,

So I’ve got a BIG problem, and I don’t have any clue what to do. I’ve been dating this guy for almost 8 months, and we’re crazy about each other. We’re basically that couple that’s so in love no one can stand to eat around us. Here’s the problem: I’m fairly certain my ultra conservative, Republican dad is going to hate him. How do I introduce him to the family as someone I am really serious about?

Sincerely,

Dating A Lefty

Dear Dating A Lefty,

Be afraid! Be very afraid! There’s nothing more frightening than taking a boy home to meet the parents, especially when your dad is Glen Beck – I mean Robert DeNiro – I mean Hulk Hogan – I mean…you get the idea. Dad’s and daughters tend to have a certain special bond between them. In your dad’s eyes you’re his little girl, and though he must acknowledge that you’re old enough to be an adult and certainly having relationships with guys, the idea of you having sex CANNOT ever enter his realm of consciousness. It will go unspoken for your entire lives. (Unless you’ve got a really open dad.) And what does the boy you bring home represent? SEX.

So how do you prepare for this momentous event? Well, you have to take care of both sides of the introduction you’re about to make. The one thing that ruins first impressions is a surprise. You’ve got to be totally upfront with your folks about who this guy is, how long you’ve been dating, that you care about him, and basically tell them everything you think they might hate about him BEFORE he shows up. Now, don’t get me wrong, there are arguments to be made against this.

If you point out everything you think your dad may hate, he’ll start looking for them, right? Well, yes. But at the same time you’re diffusing a situation before it becomes a situation. That’s why I recommend full disclosure. And by full disclosure, I mean you have to include how much you care about him, the positive qualities, the fact that it’s serious, and that you want your dad to give him a chance. Being upfront is the best policy.

Be upfront with your boy, too. Let him know he’s walking into a potential mind field. On the one hand you might spook him, but at least he’ll be on his guard and ready for what comes what may.

With both sides knowing what to expect when they meet, there will be less pressure X factors to be concerned with.

At the end of it all, it comes down to a simple handshake between the two men in your life. “Dad, I want you to meet ‘Stormageddon’ and ‘Stormageddon’ I want you to meet my dad,” and they’ll take it from there. All you can do at that point is try to avoid politics for the first couple of interactions and tell your boy to leave his Obama CHANGE shirt back at the dorms.

Bringing Folks Together,

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to editor [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Ever look back on a relationship and say, “God, if only I’d known all this crap a the beginning”? I know I have. I know I still do. I know that I probably will in the future, hopefully not the near future, but I admit the possibility. Hindsight’s the most perfect vision there is. Look, it isn’t always feasible or conceivable to know everything that’s going to clearly point out things will not end well. And not everything you wish you knew right at the beginning is necessarily a deal breaker, but there’re things that are important enough to warrant disclosure. And while, yes, in the linear timeline we are forced to live within a lot of the big stuff does come out eventually, it doesn’t hurt to take stock of what we wish we’d known. Even if only as a way to help you approach the next relationship. These are 11 things you wish he’d been upfront about and thus could have saved you some serious grief!

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So there you have it, ladies. Almost a dozen damn things that you can look back on and say, “It’d have been nice to know THAT!” Again, disclaimer, not all of these need necessarily be deal breakers but they’d have been useful knowledge. The fact is that we never fully know what to expect from another person. We’re filled with quirks, habits and small moments of eccentricity that we never think about being a big deal to others. Well, kids, it seems pretty obvious, I’ll give you that…

Did I miss any? What are things you wish you’d known at the beginning that you were complicating things for you near the end?

Being An Open Book,

The Dude