It’s been hailed as the holy grail of sex: the v-card. Taking someone’s virginity has historically been a much-sought after sexual experience (this is going as far back as Medieval times). The thought of a pure, untouched individual succumbing to your sexual prowess…well, I can see the appeal. However, the build-up in media and society certainly falls short in reality. I should know – I’ve swiped more than my fair share of v-cards.

Remember your first time? It was awkward, sweaty, clumsy, painful and a basic nightmare (at least mine was…). You wonder, why was I so pumped for this? What was everyone hyping about? Then you have some more sex and it gets better. Much better.

Let me tell you – having sex with a virgin is like having sex for the first time…again. Especially if your partner failed to inform you of his v-status. Yeah, it’s personal information, but if you’re about to have sex with someone I think you’re probably past formalities.

So let’s run down the list:

Awkward? Check. You can’t figure out if he’s just terrible at everything, too drunk to function (in some cases), or is actually a virgin. Do you call him out on it? Do you just roll with the situation and hope it gets better? All of these questions are running through your mind, thankfully distracting you from the person fumbling about with your happy bits.

Sweaty? Check. He’s sweating because he’s nervous and inexperienced (And probably a healthy amount of his sweat is on you as well). You’re sweating because if homeboy is not familiar with your lady parts, things could go seriously wrong pretty quickly.

Clumsy? Check. The bra itself can take up to 5 minutes for someone not familiar with either back or front clasp operations. There can be accidental pinching, kicking, biting, head-knocking and tripping. In my experience, there is no other type of sex to have with a virgin other than clumsy sex.

Painful? Check. For him…probably not. For you? Oh yeah. Sexual positions are basically out the window (unless you saddle up and get on top), so you’re left laying there quietly wondering when he’s going to figure out what goes where. No, not those parts (even virgins can figure that out). But legs, arms, hands? Those can be forgotten in the rush and therefore are flopping here and there, willy nilly. And don’t forget about knees, elbows and hipbones. Those suckers hurt.

Nightmare? Check. Unless you studied education and have the patience of a saint, training a virgin is hard work. The payoff can be negligible and it takes forever to get there. However…if you’re one of those special people who made a connection and decided to wait for marriage (or another significant milestone), then the reward will come and it will be worth the wait. You always remember your first time and your first partner; it’s a connection that will stay with you and, if you’re in a long-term relationship with this person, will bring you closer together.

If you’re not in a long-term relationship…then at least you have a story to tell to your friends the next day. And I’ll definitely buy you a drink to commiserate if I ever run into you.

Whatever age you are, wherever you are in your life, hearing that your parents are getting divorced kinda rocks your world (not in a good way). I felt like my family was breaking. What’s worse is that I had no idea it was coming. I lived on campus at my school, which was a six-hour drive from my home. I talked to my parents often on the phone, but the kind of things that hint at divorce don’t really get translated during a bi-weekly chat. It was almost as if I was six-years-old again; too young to understand the situation, excluded from all the arguments.

The day I found out was one of the rare occasions when my mom and my sister came to visit me at school. They were there to pick me up and take me on a road trip to my Aunt’s house, just one hour away. I finished my classes, packed my bag, and watched movies with my friend until they arrived. I didn’t immediately know anything was wrong until I got in the car. The mood was tense, false…what was supposed to be a relaxing family weekend already felt uncomfortable and forced. Soon it was out – my parents were getting divorced.

I felt attacked. I felt like it was my fault. Why didn’t I see it coming? Most overwhelmingly, I felt helpless. There was nothing I could do – I didn’t live at home anymore and I didn’t even know the entire situation. My mom and dad could have been fighting for months and I wouldn’t have known. I felt like my entire family had been hiding this from me and I resented them all. As childish as that sounds, the feeling persisted for several months. I stopped calling home as frequently and my relationship with my mom in particular (who initiated the divorce) deteriorated to the point where I no longer shared anything with her. I was quietly furious and, since I had no way to vent my frustrations (either physically or verbally), my attitude kept getting worse.

After a while, I got tired of being angry. I saw how futile it was for me to be upset about something I couldn’t have prevented or even really guessed at. Maybe I was growing up or maybe through my own experiences, I realized that relationships sometimes just don’t work out. My parents live separately now and my mom has remarried. My sense of “home” has changed radically – I now call my grandparents’ house home and spend most of my holidays there.

Other than that, I can’t feel any big differences. I still live away from home (in fact, now I live farther away than ever) and I talk to each of my parents as often as possible. I guess if I don’t really think about it, things are the same as ever. The love is still there. My family somehow seems closer than ever because of our shared experience.

The big question is:  did my parent’s divorce overshadow the golden memories of my college years? Of course not. Home life and college life operate on two separate planes (at least for me) and nothing could make my time at university anything other than what it was:  pure awesomeness.

Anyone else out there deal with a divorce in college? How did you handle it?

See, ladies; I told you this was a good idea.

There’s a great many things to do and places to see in this world of ours.  As humans, our lives are pretty short (and if you party like I do, it’s probably going to be even shorter).  So we have to prioritize!  We have brains for a reason and that reason is…reasoning (well, at least some of us use them for that purpose: see comment about partying above).  Let me be your voice of reason as I show you all the things you should be doing right here, right now.

Because I’m a totally mature and well-adjusted college student, I sometimes play games with my friends that involve saying awkward things at inappropriate times.  We do it for shock value and for the general entertainment of everyone involved (who doesn’t enjoy a good shouting match of “Penis!”?).  Recently, I tried to play a version of this game with my boyfriend while chatting innocently on AIM.  Here’s a basic outline of how it went:

Boyfriend: nap good?
Boyfriend: you got dinner soon right?
Me: if I were to have a threesome with you and one of your friends, it would so be Kenny
Boyfriend:first of all, wtf
Boyfriend:wtf wtf wtf wtf
Me: AHAHAHAAAA

This got me to thinking…about threesomes.  And about how I may have to tone down the randomness around the BF.  But mostly about the sex part.  Why not?  There are so many reasons to invite an extra player into your game (or even a couple extra players…the more the merrier, right?), especially if your boyfriend has hot friends.  Or your friends have some hot friends.  Or that guy opposite you at the bar has some hot friends.  You know, whoever floats your boat.

At any rate, having tried the whole two-peen-for-the-price-of-one deal, I’d have to encourage you to get wild and try it out yourself.  There are no height requirements on this ride, my friends, so jump on (although you may want to stretch or something beforehand).  Here’s why you should be buying a king-sized mattress and planning an adult a sleepover:

Dorm Cred – If you live in a dormitory, you’re probably used to the Sunday morning exchange of stories from your wild weekends.  Well, what could top a great story about group sex?  Nothing, my friend.  Not even that story your roommate told about making out with her prof to bump that 3.5 to a 4.0.  If you’re a college-aged woman (or dude), then epic stories about parties, drinking, and sex are your currency.  And your story about your amazing threesome?  That’s pretty much like throwing down a crisp hundo while your friends are digging for dimes.

Experience - College is the time where you gain experience and knowledge you can use and build upon for the rest of your adult life.  Drinking and sex are also counted in this skill set.  In fact, I can’t think of any other skills that are more useful in life.  Having a group sex experience will definitely bump up your experience points.  Even if you’re awkward and immature in the bedroom at the best of times, after a threesome (or two), you’ll be walking with a new swagger (probably from a pulled muscle from all that sex, but whatever…it’s worth it) that you can carry with you past graduation.

Test Your Relationship – If you’re in a relationship and have the opportunity to share a threesome with your partner, then this is what could be called a “test of your relationship.”  It usually goes one of two ways:  you can become closer and cement your bond…or you might fall apart.  Sometimes a threesome is just a way for your partner to cheat on you while you’re in the room (or vice-versa).  Try to keep group sex as a tool for expanding your sexual horizons and spicing up your sex life, rather than an easy way out of a relationship.  At any rate, I promise you that you’ll learn something about your partner when there’s another naked person in bed with you.

Annoy/Confuse Your Roommate -  Now that fall semester has started and everyone has (mostly) settled into the rhythms of college life, some of you may be regretting your roommate decision.  What better way to annoy or confuse them than a rousing night of group sex?  Whether or not they are invited, I’m sure they’ll be adequately affected by the situation to make your point (dirty laundry goes in the hamper, not on the floor in front of my desk!).  Your sexual antics will also provide a memorable story for them to tell their next roommate…or your RA.  Good times.

More Flexibility – Trying to get everyone into position without spraining any genitalia is a task in itself during a threesome.  I could have used some pilates or yoga classes before I jumped into that situation.  Add more people and I can only imagine the flexibility needed to pull it all off.  However, after a couple of times bumping uglies with your homies, you’ll be bending and twisting like a Russian gymnast.  This will make traditional two-person encounters all the more exciting (especially for your lucky partner).

Increased Sexiness – Let’s face it:  group sex is an opulant, excessive taboo.  Threesomes are the things of which pornos and wet dreams are made.  Once you have an experience like that, you’re changed.  You’ve suddenly got a smoldering sexiness and increased confidence.  People will be drawn to you like moths to a sexy leg lamp.  Having a threesome is the equivalent of getting a mani/pedi, a cut and style, an amazing new LBD, and fabulous new shoes all in the same day:  you’ll feel amazing.  Who knew that you could save hundreds of dollars by just having more sex?

It’s Fun – Seriously…just do it.  You’ll see.

Every magazine we’ve ever read since childhood has spouted off Top 10 lists of where to meet men (yeah, I’m pretty sure Highlights even touched on that subject).  At this point in my life, the potential places to meet men have been pounded into my head.  Yet, I still have some issues actually getting a dude.

What am I doing wrong?

These magazines that direct us toward sports bars and dog parks are leaving out a major detail – what to do when you’re actually near a high concentration of testosterone.  It’s not enough to just saunter into the Apple store and expect any and all men to fall at your feet, begging for your phone number (and besides, that only happens when I go to ComicCon).  You have to be able to work it and divert your target’s attention away from whatever tempted him away from his XBox in the first place.  I mean, it can get pretty difficult to strike up a conversation with a guy during a spin class (it can also be pretty hard to breath during a spin class).

So, to help you out, we’ve decided to take the best of the man-heavy locations and give you suggestions as to how to utilize them effectively.

The Market – Obviously, if you’re at the market, you’re already in the mindset of a discerning shopper.  You have an eye for freshness, quality, and price.  Why not apply that to the men as well?  Especially if they’re loitering in your favorite section (whether that be the ice-cream aisle or the cookie aisle…).  Stand a few feet away from the dude, consider the selection, and make a random comment, perhaps about the sad rise in prices of your favorite breakfast cereal.  If he picks up the cue, you’ve got an in.

Political Rally – I’m slightly skeptical about this one.  After all, people who go to political rallies are there to…rally.  Not flirt.  But! Since emotions will be flying high and people will be jumping, screaming, and knocking into each other, I think there might be some potential here.  Since you’re both probably on the same political grounds, throw out an opinion about the candidate/cause for which you’re rallying.  See if you can’t get him into a debate…over dinner and drinks.

The Gym – Ah, the classic man-tastic spot.  Who doesn’t feel like a winner after a sweaty half-hour on the treadmill (in sweatpants with no make-up, of course)?  Sweat stains aside, you can’t exactly ambush a dude during a kick boxing class.  So, my tip is the water cooler.  Most gyms have a water station (or towel station, apple station, etc.) and when you’re both taking a break, you can shoot a smile his way and compliment the body for which he’s worked so hard.  That is, once you’ve caught your breath (from the exercise, not his amazing body…or both).

Home Depot – It makes sense that a lot of dudes would be all up in the Home Depot.  I even like it, once I get over the initial shock of being around so many instruments of death and destruction (I don’t like hammers).  I guess this would be the place to play the “damsel in distress” card if you can.  “Oh, I can’t reach that electric saw two stories above me! Can you help me?” is a completely appropriate pick-up line.  So is making suggestive pantomimes with a tape-measure (j/k…sort of).

University Coffee Shop - This is really a no-brainer.  The selection of guys grows exponentially the closer you are to any university (except, perhaps, an all-girls university).  As we all know, there’s almost nowhere better to find them all grouped together than in the local coffee shop (except the bars…and the cafeterias).  Hit it around exam week (make sure to bring your own books), offer to buy a cutie a cup of joe to supplement his studying and then commence the traditional exam week complaints.  Set a date for after you both finish with exams.  That way, you’ll have something to live for after you fail that chemistry final.

Steak House – Initially, this sounded like a horrible idea.  What could be uglier than a chick sitting by herself at a steak house and scarfing a massive slab of meat?  But, you can make this work.  Grab some friends, maybe pre-game a little, and show up without a reservation.  That way you  have some time to stand around and survey the possibilities.  Lock on a target and try to bump into him when he gets up.  Discuss the glories of red meat and other activities you both enjoy.  Done deal.  Dateness.

*Disclaimer:  These aren’t guarantees.  I’d actually be hella surprised if I tried any of these and they worked for me.  Be fun to try though, right?

There’s a great many things to do and places to see in this world of ours.  As humans, our lives are pretty short (and if you party like I do, it’s probably going to be even shorter).  So we have to prioritize!  We have brains for a reason and that reason is…reasoning (well, at least some of us use them for that purpose: see comment about partying above).  Let me be your voice of reason as I show you all the things you should be doing right here, right now.

We’re always told “less is more.”  I’m sure a couple of you out there are familiar with the concept (it’s certainly true in the case of kissing and the amount of tongue insertion…and someone needs to inform that guy I made out with last night).  Recently, I’ve become more attracted to the concept of having less stuff.  This may be because I moved into a single room in the dorms that’s smaller than my walk-in closet at home, but I’d like to think that maybe something else is influencing me.  Perhaps it’s time for society to downgrade.

Think about how much stuff you really have.  Not just the clothes and the shoes (which, for me, is the bulk of my possessions), but every little thing.  Now think about what among those things you couldn’t live without.  If you think hard enough, it’s probably not a lot.  In fact, I’m betting you could live without 98% of your possessions (excluding the ones that, you know, make you smell better and whatnot).  So why not go for it?  Throw your stuff away!  Or, at the very least, donate it to a charitable cause (even though a bonfire of your former possessions is so much more demonstrative…and fun).  You’ll feel better – I promise. 

Less Stress – Again, this may be a symptom of having to cart my crap through a dorm that resembles an 18 Century maze, but less stuff means less stress.  If you pare down your possessions to just a few things, you know exactly what you have.  In fact, you probably see it every day.  You wouldn’t have to worry about where that one sweater went or if someone is stealing a little bit of your printer paper every day just for the simple fact that you know where everything is and exactly how much of it you have.

More Creative Opportunities -  For some reason, whenever I have to operate on a limited wardrobe, I become more creative with my choices.  Accessories suddenly become vital to my existence and I work harder to make what I have creative and fresh.  This applies to my wardrobe and other personal items.  Decorating an apartment may be easy when you have boxes full of things to nail to the walls, but what’s the fun in that?  Trust me, when you try to artfully place two photographs in an entire living room/dining area, you’ll feel more proud of your accomplishment in the end than if you had just thrown everything you had up on the walls and called it good.

More Excuses To Buy Expensive Things – When you’re living a minimalist lifestyle, you need things that are classic, durable, and essential.  This definitely is an excuse to splurge on items that could be called “investment pieces.”  Instead of buying 17 pairs of jeans from American Eagle, invest in  one or two pairs from a brand that may be more pricey, but fits you better and will last longer.  Same goes for the rest of your wardrobe.  Choose pieces that will fit you well, look good for a long time, and go with every other piece in your closet.  If  only there was a program where I could take 38 cheap sweaters and exchange them for one amazing designer sweater…Cashmere for Crap?

Moving In Becomes Easier – Seriously.  Six crates of stuff for one semester in a tiny single is ridiculous.  I need to downsize.

More Transportable – If I ever feel the need to jet off to Paris for a year (you never know, it might happen), then I can.  That is, if I have less crap to lug around with me.  Nothing says “cosmopolitan traveler” like two pieces of hand luggage (that a gorgeous French dude you met on the plane is carrying for you, of course).  And if Paris doesn’t work out?  No sweat!  Just pack up your minimalist life and jet again.  Being a nomad never sounded so easy (or fun).

It Impresses People – Have you ever run across someone who actually lives a minimalist lifestyle? I have.  I always wander around their spotless, effortlessly chic apartment with my jaw dropped wondering why I can’t do the same thing.  Everyone (myself included) seems to think that minimalism is an impressive feat, especially in these times where the attitude “enough is never enough” is ingrained in us from pre-school (oh yes, I hoarded chocolate milk.  I bet you did, too.  Don’t deny it).  What could be more impressive than an apartment that has almost nothing in it, yet still looks organized, decorated, and (most importantly) lived in? Nothing, my friends.  Nothing.

Another semester looms large (almost as large as my tuition bill – hey yo!) and we’re faced with the prospect of returning to campus or, if you’re a freshman, moving into the dorms and living with someone you’ve never met before.  Stressful times, right?  Might as well crack open a couple beers (or bottles of vodka) and start breaking the ice with your new floormates.

Drinking games have long been a superb way of breaking the ice with new people (seriously, nothing sets a casual, friendly atmosphere like chugging shots at 3pm), but how do you move beyond the old favorites?  Sure, everyone loves flip-cup, beer pong, power hour, quarters and Edward 40-Hands (oh my, I do love Edward…and his crazy brother, Edward Whiskey-Hands), but if you really want to impress your cute next door neighbor, then you better bust out something creative.

Luckily for you, CollegeCandy did all the work for you.  Here, for your fall semester enjoyment, are some original and interesting drinking games.  Play with caution (and gusto!):

Fake Sorority/Fraternity/Organization Recruitment – Make up a fake organization (or sorority/fraternity if you’re feeling particularly ballsy) and start recruitment.  Just go door to door in your dorm and explain that you’re doing some recruitment for your organization.  Your organization is obviously pretty bad ass, so alcohol is involved.  It’s best to start this game with a couple friends and a clipboard (so you’ll look legit).  Throw one back every time someone questions the legitimacy of your organization.  Take two shots every time you get someone to sign up for your (fake) mailing list.  Take three shots for every person who wants to walk around and recruit with you.

Freshman Drinking Game – This is mainly for upperclassmen living in the dorms, but if you’re a cynical freshman, then feel free to play along.  The rules are pretty simple and very flexible.  All you have to do is think of some freshman stereotypes and then drink whenever you see/hear them.  For example, you could take a drink whenever you hear someone talking about their class schedule.  Two drinks are in order if anyone has an ESL roommate.  Chug a beer every time you hear anyone talking about high school.  And so on…

Accents – For this one, you’ll need to recruit some buddies from your floor.  Write down a bunch of different accents on pieces of paper and jumble them up in a hat.  Each person chooses an accent and has to stick with it for the rest of the night.  If you break the accent, you do a shot.  If you don’t even know how to do the accent you chose, you chug a beer.  Take it from there – it’s fun, I promise.

Pick-Up Lines – Do a quick search for the worst pick-up lines ever.  Print these out and choose two victims to wear the lists.  The victims will have to parade through different dorms with an entourage (and alcohol) asking anyone of the opposite sex which is their favorite.  They will then have to say whatever line is chosen in a sexy voice.  They have to take a shot if they laugh while saying it and two shots if anyone asks  what the eff is going on.  Everyone drinks if the pick-up line works.  The entourage has complete power and can feel free to make up any on-the-spot rules.

There’s a great many things to do and places to see in this world of ours.  As humans, our lives are pretty short (and if you party like I do, it’s probably going to be even shorter).  So we have to prioritize!  We have brains for a reason and that reason is…reasoning (well, at least some of us use them for that purpose: see comment about partying above).  Let me be your voice of reason as I show you all the things you should be doing right here, right now.

We say it all the time: shut up.  Sometimes you mean it (like during a particularly nasty fight with the bf) and sometimes you don’t (Clueless-esque situations of surprise and pleasure), but those two little words will always be there.  How many of us actually listen to them, though?  Have you ever actually shut up when someone told you to do so (I, for one, make it a point to talk louder/longer when someone tells me to shut up)?  Perhaps it’s time for us to listen.  Perhaps it’s time to really shut up.

Living in a single room in a new dorm this past week, I’ve learned the value of keeping my mouth shut.  I’m not unfriendly, but I’m not chatting up a storm either.  I’m trying to keep it cool and start out as the mysterious, cool and collected girl (a bit of a change from former dorm experiences…but we won’t go there).  What I’ve learned includes how to seem nice and approachable without saying a word and how to not look like a creepy loner.  In fact, I’ve enjoyed my silence so much, I’m thinking we all need to try it.  Try this on for size: reasons why you should shut your pie hole.

Work Those Eyes – If you’re not flexing those vocal cords, then you’ll probably be doing most of your communicating through your eyes.  Instead of a long-winded answer, just raise an eyebrow.   Instead of an awkward giggle and stuttering attempts at flirtation, try winking.  Simple glances and blinks become volumes of communication.  And imagine the make-up possibilities when all the attention is focused on your eyes…

Decreased Stress – Less sound = less stress.  Simple as that.  As long as you’re not chatting up a storm on your cell phone, you should feel a decrease in the level of stress you feel on a daily basis.  Silence takes the responsibility of carrying a conversation off your shoulders.  You won’t have to say “hi” to friends you pass on the streets anymore – just throw them a smile and be on your way.  Maybe your professors will notice your silence and think of you as that smart, calm student (they like those kinds of students), hopefully while calling on someone else in lecture to answer all of the review questions aloud.

Increased Sensation – I’m a professional at multitasking.  If I’m not doing three things at once, then I’m probably sleeping (and even then I’ve probably got something else going on).  One activity that remains constant is talking on my cell phone.  I catch up with family and friends and also take care of random chores on the phone.  But, if I wasn’t talking on the phone, I’d probably be more involved with my surroundings.  I would hear the ambient noise of my dorm room, taste my dinner, and actually see the things around me without being distracted by chatting.  It would almost be like removing blinders and ear plugs at the same time…

More Thinking – Ever hear the saying, “Think before you speak”?  Well, if you’re not speaking, it follows that you’ll be doing a lot of thinking about what you’d like to say.  If you shut up, you won’t have to worry about saying something that will hurt someone’s feelings or make you look stupid.  Sure, there’s always e-mail and Facebook for ruining friendships, but at least you won’t have to listen to your own voice ringing in your ears after you slur a particularly horrible pick up line into the ear of that middle-aged creeper who ended up in your favorite bar (thinking before slurring is definitely a good move).

Omnipotence – No, if you shut your face you don’t automatically know everything.  However, if you’re not jumping into the conversation and getting distracted by the sound of your own voice, you’ll have more time to sit back and just observe.  One time I dozed off while some friends were hanging out in my dorm room.  When I woke up, instead of jumping directly into conversation, I kept my mouth shut and my eyes closed.  And boy, did that little bit of creeping get me  some good gossip.  You’ll get the same effect if you shut up the rest of the time, too.  People will feel the need to fill your silence and you’ll reap the benefits of additional information.

Since I tend to write (and speak) about controversial topics, I know what it’s like not to be universally liked.  I suppose that’s what will happen when you publicly hate on flip-flops.  However, I don’t think I could ever sink to the level it takes to be disliked in Hollywood.  I mean, they like everyone there (see: Perez Hilton).  Except, of course, those select few that are so hard to work with and so up their own butts that it’s impossible to like them.

Naturally, that’s what will concern us for this week’s edition of the showdown.

Everyone has heard Christian Bale’s ridiculous outburst on the set of Terminator.  As a  method actor, he can get pretty intense.  I actually respect the lengths he goes through to get into character.  However, I’m pretty sure other actors have managed to get into character without distancing themselves from the cast and crew and blowing up any time someone distracts them.  Except maybe Jeremy Piven.  He’s not exactly a method actor, but he is arrogant and well on his way to being that creepy older guy at Hollywood parties.  It’s hard to compare these two actors, seeing how they operate in two completely separate spheres, but their shared bad reputations require some comments.

Which one is more self-absorbed?  Who pisses off Hollywood the most?

Fame Whorishness
Christian Bale knows when to make himself visible in the media.  After his rage rant to the cinematographer on Terminator, he waited a good period of time before releasing an apology, thus securing him a place in the 24-hour news cycle for another week.  Thank goodness – if I didn’t have some Christian Bale gossip or picture to gawk over, I don’t know what I’d do with my time.

Jeremy Piven will do anything for exposure.  He’s even signed on to host an episode of WWE’s Monday Night Raw.  He’ll pose for whatever camera is pointed at him and gives major ‘tude at every possible opportunity.  But…why?  He’s not exceptionally talented, he hasn’t won piles of major awards, and he hasn’t been in anything particularly critically acclaimed (not that any of those things are an excuse for attitude or fame whorishness).  Btw, Entourage so doesn’t count.

Point:  Jeremy Piven. Unlike Mr. Bale, Jeremy Piven has nothing really impressive on which to build his arrogance.

Love Life
Christian Bale has been married for almost 10 years.  Surprised? Me too, but only because he’s so tight-lipped about his personal life.  Christian’s definitely got that mysterious vibe, so I always thought there was a lot more going on there than appeared on the surface.  Apparently there isn’t.  Laaaaaame.

Jeremy Piven is a veritable man whore.  He’s rumored to be dating several different women (depending on the website you read), the most recent being a college-dropout bottle waitress he met at Britney Spears’ birthday party.  His move to snag the pretty lady? Mass texts to all the numbers he gathered that night saying to come and get him.  Classy, my friend.

Point: Jeremy Piven. Gross, dude…just gross.

Diva Stock
Christian Bale is a method actor…and a really intense one, at that.  Therefore, he’s a man with high demands on and off the set.  We’ve all heard what happens when someone walks into his line of sight.  What about if someone gave him the wrong food or spoke to him in the wrong accent? Who knows how many audio recordings of diva-esque outbursts there are of Christian freaking out…

Jeremy Piven thinks he is God’s gift to acting.  And women.  But mostly acting.  Rumor has it that he shows up to magazine photo shoots and will throw around his celebrity status for a while before he gets down to anything close to modeling.  No, Jeremy Piven, you are not Brad Pitt.  Or anyone of A-list status.  Check yourself, homie.

Point: Christian Bale. Are you professional??

Talent/Career
Christian Bale has had a long career of successful movies.  He plays one of the most beloved comic book characters and conveys each character with the utmost authenticity.  However, he always seems a bit cold and disconnected from Hollywood.  That may be because of his posh English accent or his inability to prepare for a role without going completely psycho.  Either way, it might be better if he stays the hell away from those Hollywood brats.

Jeremy Piven stars in the douchiest show of the century (and plays the douchiest character).  There’s no doubt he works hard, having appeared in movies, TV shows, and plays.  However, how many movies of his can you name? That’s what I thought.  And his most recent theater stint was a complete flop because he dropped out after discovering he had mercury poisoning and had to convalesce in Bangkok.  Suuuure, Jeremy.

Point: Jeremy Piven. For as hard as he says he works, I’m not really seeing much of him anywhere…

Celebretard Prize Goes To: Jeremy Piven. Best stick with Entourage.  No one seems to  remember any of your other roles, anyway.

There’s a great many things to do and places to see in this world of ours.  As humans, our lives are pretty short (and if you party like I do, it’s probably going to be even shorter).  So we have to prioritize!  We have brains for a reason and that reason is…reasoning (well, at least some of us use them for that purpose: see comment about partying above).  Let me be your voice of reason as I show you all the things you should be doing right here, right now.

It’s hard to be sure of what to eat these days.  Health reports come out with a study against a certain food one day and for it the next.  Do I eat the egg yolk or do I stick with the whites?  Are pomegranates that good for me?  How many more vitamins do I really need to take?  It’s confusing.  And I don’t like being confused about food.  I just like eating it.

Everyone’s heard the old adage, “Everything in moderation.”  Sounds pretty obvious, right?  You can eat your egg yolk (as long as you don’t eat five eggs a day) and not feel guilty.  Even dessert isn’t off limits if you don’t gorge yourself.  So this is why I’m going to give a shout out to something that has gotten a lot of bad press lately: meat.  It seem everyone is jumping on the vegetarian wagon, what with all the new vegetarian options out there.  Hey, I don’t have anything against tofu (I actually love tofu, but that’s a different story), but I have to defend my meat.  It’s delicious, packed with nutrition, and can be used in a million different ways.  Here’s why you should eat more meat:

Stronger Muscles – Meat has mad amounts of protein.  The health benefits are endless and as college women we suffer from some of the lowest protein levels of any age group (I blame cafeteria food).  Have a steak, gobble a burger, or grab a pork chop to pump up your protein levels.  There’s a reason they make protein powder: it helps build up your muscles and makes your workouts more effective.  If that means I’m going to get more benefit from the same amount of work (true story), then I now have a reason to drag my butt from the couch and go to the gym. With a steak.

Guy Cred – Meat has long been considered a man’s domain.  Men are in charge of the grill, they are the ones who traditionally hunt game animals, and they tend to be masters of meat preparation.  If you practice a bit or even take a barbecue class (they have those), you will get major respect when you step up to the plate and pull off a perfect medium rare steak (instead of a charred hunk of flesh).  You’ll probably get a Woman Of The Year award or something from Spike TV.

Shiny Hair – Want hair like you see in the shampoo commercials?  Then save your money on expensive product and head over to your local butcher instead.  Meat, particularly red meat and fish, can make your hair look all shiny and amazing like you’re an Herbal Essences model.  This is because of the high levels of iron and protein in these foods (and the fat content, which can be beneficial).  So, not only will your hair benefit, but your nails and skin will look amazing as well.  Done deal.

Piss Off Some Vegetarians – Sure, it may be petty and wrong and you might not even know any vegetarians, but some of them deserve to be antagonized.  Whether their patched-up, baggy corduroys piss you off or their unidentifiable, stinky vegan mash makes you sick, there’s a sure-fire way to get back at those annoying plant eaters:  eat meat.  This is what portable meat was made for, people!  Hot dogs, hamburgers, corn dogs, shish kabobs, and anything else that you can eat on a stick or with your hands.  Sweet, delicious revenge.

More Bang For Your Buck – Okay, so meat isn’t cheap.  However, it does have a ton of nutrition.  So if you were to try and get the same amount of nutritional value from veggies, you’d end up paying more for the massive amounts of greens you’d need in comparison to the small amount of meat that does the same thing.  See the value?  And I’d much rather have a turkey burger than five pounds of salad.  Just saying.

Look Classy – Nothing says “I’m a classy lady” better than a filet mignon.  Or a rack of lamb.  Extra points if you can actually cook these things (and cook them well…).  Think about it: every movie that includes a romantic dinner or a expression of extreme wealth has meat.  Steak Oscar, and coffee-rubbed hunks of beef (okay, now I’m hungry) are all a great way to say, “I’m classy and enjoy great food.”  Trust me, you’re not gonna see any tofu casserole on the menu of the restaurant on the top of the Eiffle Tower.

It’s a well-known fact that guys will go home with just about anything when they’re drunk.  It’s not that they’re desperate, they’re just…well, guys.  And guys like sex.  So it’s not surprising that you don’t exactly have to be a genius/supermodel to have a special (or not-so-special) one-night engagement with a dude at the bar.

However, women are a different story.

As much as we sometimes want to have some crazy sex, we have standards.  We won’t go home with just anybody.   In fact, there are some guys that we’ll never go home with.  Sorry dudes, but if you’re on this list you may want to consider celibacy.

In no particular order, here are the guys you probably aren’t going to be taking home to bump uglies with any time soon (hopefully):

Sweaty, Smelly Guy

It can get hot in the bar.  Especially when there is dancing (and when I’m there, there is always dancing).  However, there’s always that one guy busting a move in the middle of the dance floor who everyone seems to be avoiding.  Then you see it: the dark stain spreading across his back, the beads of perspiration rolling down his face.  He’s wiping his brow with his sleeve and pushing his hair off his forehead (leaving him in a Something About Mary situation).

You’re scared to even go near him, lest some sweat fly off him and land on your face or worse, in your drink.  Definitely not conducive to an invitation home.

Guy Making Out With Everyone Else At the Bar

This dude is a fun one to watch, but don’t let him get within a two foot radius of you or you’ll find his tongue in your mouth.  He’s tipsy, indiscriminate, and a make-out whore.  This is the guy that will probably give all your friends Herpes after licking their faces (he thinks that’s totally sexy, btw).  I

f he’s between ladies when you bump into him, you’ll recognize him by his Christian Audigier outfit and excessively gelled hair.  In fact, you may even smell him as soon as you step into the bar, because he pretty much bathes in Axe body spray.

Creepy Creeper Guy

I can see him now…clutching his drink, eyes narrowed and staring, and wearing clothes that don’t quite fit the bar atmosphere (oversized short-sleeve button down, anyone?).  This is the dude that makes you feel more than slightly uncomfortable when you’re breaking it down with your friends.  His eyes will follow you around that dance floor, but even if you’re shoved right up next to him by some freak crowd accident, he still won’t talk to you.  He’s just gonna sit there and hold his drink while staring at all the dancers. If you actually do get him to talk (although why you would, I have no idea), be warned that he’s probably a mumbler and will say something odd about a hobby of his or give you a creepy compliment.  Unfortunately, due to his excessive creepiness, Mr. Stares Too Much probably won’t have anyone to bring home to see his doll collection.

Oversized Bouncer With Neckbeard

We’ve all been stuck outside a club staring down a massive hulk of a man called a bouncer.  Thoughts, crazy thoughts, fly through our heads as we imagine the alcohol-fueled hijinks that are going on inside without us.  Should we flirt with him to get in sooner?  Tip him?  Flash him?!  Wait – slow down a second.  This dude has a neckbeard.  And more body mass than you and your friends put together.  What could a few more minutes of waiting hurt?  The real danger is later when Mr. Bouncer Man is off duty and creeping through the club for some ladies.  By that time you’ve had a couple drinks and appreciate his all-black ensemble.  However, there’s no way you’re gonna get past your reservations about his neck roll and douchebag diamond earring.  Mr. Bouncer Man is going home alone tonight.

Older Guy Who Doesn’t Really Belong At the Bar

Is he a professor? Someone’s dad?  Just a creepy old dude?  You never can tell with this one.  Homie came to the bar because he wants to score some young hotties and too bad for him because we’re not gonna take any part in that.  You may brush  past him at one point and recognize the same cologne that your dad wears.  And he’s definitely sporting some Tommy Bahama up in there.

Oh yeah, and that’s probably a wedding band he’s surreptitiously slipping off his finger to hide in his pocket (right next to the pictures of his kids).  Unless you have a strange Daddy Fantasy, then Older Guy will have to finish his whiskey soda and go home alone.