I really like watching people dance. I think maybe I could even say that I love watching people dance. This probably stems from my complete inability to dance (with the excepting of the convulsing I’ll do at concerts). Baby wants what he cannot have, I guess.

Anyway, I am particularly impressed/enamored with ‘dance crews.’  Watching people break dancing, pop-locking, and doing all kinds of sweet athletic sh*t in unison makes me wanna buy a full length mirror. I can’t help it.

Now, my personal ban on reality television has kept me from actually watching stuff like “So You Think You Can Humiliate Yourself and That Means You Might Get an Agent,” and “World’s Best Dance Crew”, so my fix comes mostly from YouTube and other sources. I’m not going to outright admit that I’ve watched Step It Up, and Step It Up 2: The Streets, but if I had, I’d probably think those movies had a lot of sweet-ass dance moves in them, even if the plot was nothing more then ‘approaching dance competition threatens to ruin teens lives, forever.”

Recently, a friend of mine who has also been known to love The Jabbawockees and other groups, linked me to a pretty amazing set of YouTube videos. Apparently, a dance-off over YouTube had been occurring right under my nose, featuring some of the world’s greatest breakers. (videos after the jump)

How did I miss this? I can’t be sure but I’d speculate because the dance-off centers around Miley Cyrus. Whenever I see Miley Cyrus my brain gets dizzy and I start seeing the world in triplicate, so usually I avoid her and her music (especially while driving). The basic back story (which is also in the videos) is that Jon Chu (the director of Step It Up 2) and Adam Sevani (15 year old dance wunderkid who’s in Step It Up 2) recently observed Miley Cyrus make a YouTube video where she taught people how to dance or some crap. So they formed the ‘Adam/Chu Dance Cru’ and challenged Miley Cyrus.

What was probably expected to be an unanswered ice burn turned into a full-on dance battle when Cyrus, in a surprising show of games-woman-ship, fired back with her own video. The more impressive part is that there is minimal cheerleader / half dancing bullcrap. Instead Miley uses her giant money pit to hire some great dancers to help her out. There are 4 videos and they get crazier and crazier with cameos, dancing, and production value.

Apparently this dance battle ended in person at the Kid’s Choice Awards, which I didn’t watch (this year). Regardless of your hate for Miley Cyrus, these are worth the watch for the dancing and general good time that’s obviously being had by everyone involved.

The response (first 30 seconds are annoying but the dancing is cool)

Attempt at finish by Cyrus

So if you want to hear about why Halloween rocks you should go somewhere else because I f*cking hate it and I’m about to make you hate it too by listing some reasons why it’s terrible and should be canceled.

Costumes: Yah, I said it. F*ck costumes. I have never trusted motherf*ckers in costumes. Why are you wearing that? People in costumes can do anything they want, and often do on Halloween, because it’s basically the official Holiday for burglary and assault.  That’s really what I want, a day where it’s impossible to spot criminals because everyone is wearing a godd*mn mask.

I don’t even like people at Disneyland and sh*t wearing costumes. Ask any nerd which day was the worst in high school and I guarantee you that Halloween is up near the top of the list. “I sure wish I knew who was beating the sh*t of out me right now, beyond ‘guy in gas mask’ and ‘guy in hockey mask!’”

Additionally, wearing costumes is probably the most uncomfortable thing ever. It’s hot and you can’t hear sh*t and you can’t run away from other people in costume without making a ridiculous shuffling noise. F*ck costumes. Unless you’re on a stage or in a movie, no costumes ever. Street performers shouldn’t be allowed to wear costumes. No one. EVER.

Candy: Yah, that is exactly what we need, an excuse to shovel more diabetes-inducing sugar into our insatiable legion of fat children. Candy on Halloween teaches people two things, how to gorge yourself, and how to beg. Why not call a spade a spade, call it ‘Insulin Day,’ and just chop everyones’ foot off right now.

TV Programming: On Halloween, every channel on the dial shows whatever scary movie they have in the vault, all night. As someone who’s imagination is more then enough to literally make me sh*t when alone in a dark room, the last thing I want is every Friday the 13^th, Halloween, and Nightmare on Elm Street playing all at once.

Haunted Houses: I don’t really feel the need to elaborate on this. Haunted Houses, hay rides, and other various haunted locales go from boring (high school) to grotesque (every haunted house run for profit) with no middle ground to actually enjoy yourself. F*ck haunted houses.

“CLEVERNESS”: It’s in quotes and caps for a reason. That’s about as subtle as people are on Halloween. LOOK HOW FUNNY/SEXY/EDGY I AM.

People dress either in lingerie (I’M A SEXY CAT/BUNNY/CONSTRUCTION WORKER/COP/DENTIST/CHEF/PERSON WHO WORKS AT HOME DEPOT), go ‘edgy’ and do something so tasteless they know it’s gonna start a fight once everyone is drunk enough (‘dude are you seriously going as someone who’s HIV positive?’), or ‘clever’ — which usually amounts to going as a hotdog or a tampon or a giant sperm. Also, anything phallic that comes with its own retarded catchphrase. Everyone has crap ideas on Halloween. The night literally destroys creativity and feeds off tacky bullsh*t.

You’re probably wondering if I go out at all. I do. I dress as a Pokemon and throw bricks through car windshields.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN.

The country is getting ready for a terrible recession. Banks are folding and getting bailed out by loans from the FED (which has federal in the name but is private). Scientists are trying to rip open space and time using the Large Hadron Collider. Someone like Sarah Palin is officially close to being involved in a presidency.

The signs are there: the world is going to end. And while I’m sure no one can get a godd*mn job right now (lord knows I can’t), we can at least look forward to the post apocalyptic job market that’ll present itself once the gaping maw of darkness spreads wide, and evil once again walks our planet.

Here are some jobs you may want to start building a resume for.

Motorcycle Pirate

Everyone knows two things run rampant in all post-apocalyptic scenarios: piracy and motorcycles. It’s only natural that these two things will be combined. The typical setting for piracy, the high seas, will naturally be off limits thanks to its new, boiling temperature and thousands of large squid (oh, they’re coming). Any experience using cycle-type vehicles, including ATVs, motorcycles with sidecars, and those weird three-wheel choppers is a plus.

These roving gangs of men and women will pray on the villages that remain after the world’s collapse, taking what they need to survive and possibly more — depending on their allegiances. With a myriad of guilds to choose from, it’s a worker’s market. Will you join the Diesel Apes? Or perhaps the more ecologically minded Ethanol Crusade?

People not comfortable with goggles need not apply.

Arena Warrior

When the end of time finally comes to fruition, most ‘applicable skills’ will be based around the lowest of human instincts. Can you channel your customer service experience into a desire to kill other humans? Or maybe mutated animals? Then arena warrior is for you. A life of bloody celebrity, fighting in the arena is only for those interested in true glory. Reality television stars who survive the atom bombs will fit the position well.

Fight for recognition and respect from your new demon overlords. Please send a color head shot, measurements, and whatever weapon you identify with most (trident and net).

Servant to one of the 8 Great Beings of Darkness

Feeling less then human since the apocalypse? Losing your ability to love and care? Were you upper to middle management / human resources before ‘the great fall’? Then demon servitude is for you!

Your ability to bullsh*t, lie, and step on other people to keep your own job even in the face of incompetence will keep you alive. Necessary skills include groveling, serving a bizarre myriad of human and animal flesh, and interviewing incoming employees. Paid vacations and dental. You may be branded with the seal of the eight.

Crystal Farmer

Currency means nothing. Additionally, when the apocalypse comes, it will mean even less. The value of something is directly related to its shiny-ness in the eyes of apocalyptic demon lords, and so we too must adopt this system. Someone with money on the mind? You’ll fit in perfect toiling in the mines as a crystal farmer.

First you get the shinies, then you get the power, then you get the women (or men), then you use the various geodes and stalactites you’ve pulled from the earth to buy life’s finer things: water, food, and various types of ‘power armor’ that protects you from the new species of sentient mosquito/bear hybrid that inhabit the mines (Bearsquito). Accounts with strong backs wanted. Bring your own canary.

Village Leader

Did you have an important but thankless and overall financially unfulfilling job before the devil’s ascension? Valuable sh*t that nobody cared about because the roads didn’t involve camera time and a big pay check? Teacher? Doctor? Social Worker? Congratulations! You have the fortitude to take the shivering masses that remain since ‘the unCreation’ and form working and livable villages. You are officially important to people, and all it took was the MOTHERF*CKING APOCALYPSE.

Try not to let your righteous indignation get in the way of teaching people how to actually garden, ride bicycles, and do basic math.

…At least we won’t have to dress up for interviews.

[Initially, we thought today was Rachel Ray's birthday.  Obviously, one of us was taking drugs or something, because her birthday was actually August 25.  In any case, we still stand behind this article, because birthday or not, she's still probably tied SOMEHOW to Beelzebub]

In case you’re not familiar with her 30-minute brand of world domination, here are some reasons why Rachel Ray always has a first class ticket to fire and brimstone.

1) Her Voice: It sounds as though she smokes 3 packs a day, unfiltered. Except she rolls her own and crumbles glass and charcoal into that sh*t. We only know her for 30 minutes, why is her voice like that? Hopefully it’s from being really peppy and not screaming like a banshee at her sous-chefs all day.

2) Too perfect at making 30 Minute Meals: There is something fishy about her innate ability to time meals so that she always has time to take two or three bites. Something almost…satanic. A power so cosmic, every time she suggests her meal idea, I think ‘ok bitch, today’s the day you aren’t getting to eat what you make!’ but the stars somehow align and Ray gets two or three bites while laughing maniacally about how easy it was. Portobello burgers in 30 minutes my ass; devil burgers with a side of devil.

3) Change in Diet: The redeeming thing about her (satanic) gift to cook fast was that she was almost always making something good and even if she f*cked the devil, she was advocating eating home cooked unprocessed foods. Then Ritz and Dunkin Donuts baked her a nice fat money cake with money frosting and she flew on her magic carpet made of money and decided it was time to tell people that spreading cream cheese on a ritz was a wholesome pursuit.

4) Smile: Dude, what the hell? Don’t stare directly into it! When Rachel Ray opens her mouth, if you are close enough, you hear the sound of a thousand dead souls screaming backwards. It is literally a rip in space and time. Light bends inward toward her gaping maw. I had a nightmare where Rachel Ray cut my mouth with a knife and asked me, WHY SO SERIOUS?

I mean, I’m not saying I wouldn’t eat her food, but I would do so with the cautious suspicion of a detective who has been invited in by the very man he believes to be the ‘Uptown Slicer.’

Don’t think we haven’t noticed your ‘convenient ascension’ to media control, Demon. You’re on our radar.

There’s nothing wrong with knowing two languages. Actually it’s pretty cool. But if your professor teaches at a University in the U.S and they are not a fluent English speaker, and they aren’t teaching the language they are fluent in, you could be in for a rough time, especially if the class is science or math. The only thing more difficult then college level mathematics is college level mathematics from Russia (with love).

2) A complete lack of syllabus.

In college, stuff matters. Papers, grades, stuff that is trivial in High School gets more weighty once you sign away a few thousand bucks a semester. A syllabus is a contract between you and the professor to minimize f*ck-ups on both ends. With a syllabus, they can’t bust a giant exam on you and be all “I said!”, and you can’t claim you misheard the due date for the term paper (damn!). If your professor doesn’t come with a syllabus on day one, ask about it. If they don’t have plans for one, you may in some troubs. Write all important dates down.

3) Where did I put my…

People who forget stuff a lot can be cute. Unless you pay them to teach and grade you. Then it’s just annoying. We admit, teachers are people and forgetting stuff is fine, occasionally, but if your teacher forgets most of the stuff they were supposed to bring during the first week, you can bet on a semesters worth of waiting for AV equipment that wasn’t requested and photocopies that didn’t get made. Your assignments are at least slightly in your control, so make 2 copies and keep one for yourself.

4) Militant Political Views (In any direction)

It doesn’t matter if you agree with your new professor’s crazy theories, prof’s who bring their crazy into the classroom end up wasting your time. If you’ve got a super liberal, there is gonna be one Bushie student who never lets anything go. If you’ve got a right-winger, there’s gonna be a granola child who throws red paint on them. Crazy fem-nazis hate you because you have a boyfriend, and idiot chauvinists who won’t stop suggesting your ‘female chemicals’ make you irrational. It’s a free country, and you can believe whatever you want. But I don’t pay you to talk about those beliefs, motherf*cker!

5) Mr/Ms.Smiles

Every class has jerks. Kids who need the credit but don’t want to be there. They ask stupid, sarcastic questions, yell aloud, text and use the cell phone — I even had one girl bring her yippy dog to class. Jerk students are all around distractions, wasting everyone’s time. No one wants a Prof who’s mean, but you need someone who will check these offenders when the time comes, before the classroom devolves into some bizarre Lord Of The Flies type setting. Be wary of teachers who refuse to tell kids they are incorrect or out of line.

[Any other warning signs? Let us know!!]

Stuff you should not bring to the dorms.

1 – Your $20,000 stereo system.

Yes, I know its got ‘mad subs’ and is both bangin’ and bumpin’ but here’s the reality of the situation. We hate your music. I don’t care who you are and how diverse your tastes are, there are people who hate what you listen to and don’t want to hear it. Additionally, even if your musical taste is somehow Christ-like in its openness, there are times where people don’t want to hear music of any type, and these times may not coincide with your own. Your giant stereo shares noise with all ears, everywhere, and that isn’t necessary. Learn to use headphones and leave you’re cribs-esque sh*t at home.

2 – Frivolous Kitchen Stuff

Here are the following items I have personally seen people bring that have pissed other people off: a popcorn maker, a cotton candy machine, a full sized wok, a 12 speed blender…the list goes on. Do not bring kitchen sh*t you have either no intention of using or have no idea how to operate. The popcorn and cotton candy guy buzz killed every party, the Wok guy set fire to our paper towels, and the 12 speed blender kid supplied samples for everyone at a high velocity. Also, you are a freshman and you are godd*mn filthy. You never clean your sh*t, and the more sh*t you have, the less clean you are overall. Something else to consider: as soon as people get drunk this stuff is getting abused. The wok was used as a sled. Which was cool, but broken now.

3 – Your drum kit

But bro, I want to jam with my mans and them! Every time I see someone unloading a drum kit on move-in day I simultaneously create a scenario where their roommates try to kill them using snakes. If you bring your drum kit to the dorms, you are that kid that everyone hates. The dorms are not your apartment, they are where people sleep and study. Every music college ever has practice rooms with drum sets and no one at a non-music college needs a drum kit. If you bring a set with you but don’t practice in the dorms, fine, whatever. If you have a sweet electronic drum kit with headphones, awesome. If you have a bitchin’ jazz fusion kit that totally surrounds you, that is so cool and I bet your band is sweet but setting that sh*t up in a forced triple is a complete mistake. You will regret it.

4 – Exercise Equipment

Exerbike, treadmill, bowflex, etc. There are noisy and absurd and when I saw my roommate loading one in I rubbed my eyes in complete disbelief. Here is the solution to the problems I’m sure these people are having about getting this stuff up the stairs or in the car. It’s called a gym. Your school has one. Or, join the YMCA. It’s cheap and mostly clean. Also, like cooking sh*t, exercise equipment and drunkenness is a recipe for disaster, as anyone who has tried to see how fast exactly a treadmill can go will tell you.

Let me help.

I don’t want to make college sound like incarceration, and indeed the possibilities for fun are numerous, but there many things that definitely will not happen once you arrive on campus. Here are things you should enjoy in your last week at home.

1) Quiet Time

College is noisy as balls. Normal dorms are noisy, quiet dorms are noisy, the library is noisy. The only guaranteed silence you may have at your disposal is if you’re a music student with access to sound proof booths. Everyone has speakers and they all want to share their music with you! So in your last week of boring old home, just sit outside (or in your room if outside is noisy), close your eyes, and enjoy the sound of absolutely nothing. It is soon to be replaced with ‘WOOOOOO’ and “seriously let me in I need to PEE.”

2) Food without chemicals

I would say ‘good old home cookin’ but who knows if you enjoy that. The real point here is that the food you eat on campus, while edible and in a lot of cases yummy, has a certain…difference. I don’t know if it’s a laxative, or sedative to keep students in line, but something is in the food. It’s not dangerous but it will make you take dumps 20 minutes after every meal, on the dot. The regularity is nice, but also a little worrisome.

3) Free laundry / Maid service

Your mommy ain’t comin’ with ya. So get all that free laundry and labor in while you can, because in a week you will learn exactly how much your parents do for you. (Hint, it’s a lot). Enjoy walking barefoot on carpet without having your foot caked in human hair, cookie crumbs, and other various and disgusting particles.

4) Uninterrupted sleep

“HEY ARE YOU AWAKE?” Your drunken roommate will scream as they ‘sneak’ into your shared room. “I AM DRUNK.” You will have plenty of chances to sleep in at college but sleeping for long periods without being woken up by spontaneous parties or even worse, the drunk hookup (where they think, in their drunkenness, that you are asleep), is not really an option.

5) Sharing is caring

Living with people means sharing. Hell, even if you get a single, chances are you’re going to be sharing a bathroom, a common room and general living spaces with all types of different people. Enjoy watching your own TV, having your own fridge (sort of), and not being asked every time you leave your room if someone can borrow your stapler, use your printer, or have some pens.

[How are YOU spending your last week of peace?]

Then there’s the racism and sexism in all of the cartoons his company has produced.

But I guess we’d all thought, with the advent of the first ever black female lead in a Disney cartoon, that the company had turned a new, desperate leaf and was actually interested in being a culturally aware organization rather then a profit-hungry global conglomerate steeped in Nazi tradition (Did you know?: Pirates of the Caribbean is powered by the OCCULT!).

We thought wrong. Looks like theres’ a huge labor dispute going on right now between Disney and a few thousand hotel employees, which was brought to a head today when protesters marched on the California Disney locations, dressed (hilariously) as Disney characters.

Bewildered tourists in Disney T-shirts and caps, some pushing strollers, filed past the commotion and gawked at the costumed picketers getting hauled away. The protest shut down a major thoroughfare outside Disneyland and California Adventure for nearly an hour.

“It’s changing my opinion of Disneyland,” said tourist Amanda Kosato, who was visiting from north of Melbourne, Australia. “Taking away entitlements stinks.”

The dispute involves about 2,300 maids, bell hops, cooks and dishwashers at three Disney-owned hotels: the Paradise Pier, the Grand Californian and the Disneyland Hotel.

The workers’ contract expired in February and their union says Disney’s latest proposal makes health care unaffordable for hundreds of employees and creates an unfair two-tier wage system. The union also says Disney wants to create a new category of part-time employees who would receive greatly reduced benefits. (YahooNews)

Companies do this sh*t all the time. Actually, the security firm that my college (WOO LIBERAL COLLEGE REFUSING TO SUPPORT WORKERS BECAUSE IT’S JUST A PROFIT MACHINE) uses to supply guards for class buildings and dorms did this to their employees when their union contracts ran out and totally HOSED them with removal of daycare options and lower wages. Then there is the whole Congress Hotel debacle that’s been going on for five years here in Chicago…

Looks like lots of big companies enjoy screwing the little man.

Kudos Disney, spread that love.

Suddenly in the dairy aisle you had the realization that teachers are people and all of sudden you stopped being such a godd*mn prick in your classes.

These days, it seems that there is equal amount of shock when teachers, GASP, use the Internet. Now I know most students probably already realize teachers use the net tubes to do research or write on the library message board, but what about when you find them on Facebook or Myspace? Should they even be allowed? I mean seriously, isn’t that where kids openly talk about their debauchery and then get all ‘you read my diary!’ when they get grounded for the pictures they posted of them doing shots of Jameson with underwear on their head?

Apparently, yes, and ALSO, according to people in Missouri, Facebook and Myspace are directly related to teacher/student sexual relationships. Genius.

In Missouri in particular, a rash of student-teacher sexual relationships have spawned crackdowns on social-networking friendships. Web site badbadteacher.com, which keeps track of teachers disciplined, arrested and convicted of inappropriate behavior with students, lists 11 such teachers from Missouri within the last two years.

Which is why state legislator Jane Cunningham is sponsoring a bill in the Missouri House of Representatives that would ban elementary school teachers from having social-networking friendships with their students. (Cnn.com)

Here are some tips for parents who think Facebook and Myspace are responsible for teacher/student sexual relationships.

1) Teachers have been having sex with students forever. That doesn’t make it right but don’t act the like Internet is the advent of some new age of sexual molestation.

2) You leave your kid alone with them for 8 hours a day. The Internet is not your problem.

3) The answer is monitoring your child’s use of these sites. Banning teachers won’t stop some 50 year old creeper from posing as 14/F/Cali/CUTEY and then totally getting their kidnap on. This is like making a law that allows parents to be lazy. It’s your job to be net savvy if your going to let your kid run wild on the web. You’re like 45, I’m betting if you just sat down and opened a f*cking book you could probably master all of your Dell’s ‘intricate mystery.’

THE MAGIC BOX ALLOWS EVIL PEOPLE TO SEXOR OUR CHILDREN. BAN THE BOX. BAN PEOPLE FROM USING THE BOX.

Take off your ‘The E in Email Stands for Evil’ crew-cut T and use cognitive thought. If the dumb motherf*ckers at Dateline can outsmart sexual predators, I’m betting you guys can probably figure out a way to avoid them all together.

Alright, I’m not gonna be the dude who writes about Jake G. on the website for women and hates on him. I think Gyllenhaal is a great actor. He throws down pretty hard regardless of part, whether it’s a marine or a gay cowboy or a teen who keeps seeing a rabbit.

I also won’t be the guy who says ‘yeah he looks good, but I mean, I’ve seen better.’ As a heterosexual man, I feel fine saying Jake looks godd*mn HUGE in these new pictures. Respect for putting on that weight and not being afraid to lose all that ‘sweet little boy look’ money.

But, I gotta say something.

This movie is called Prince of Persia.

OF.

PERSIA.

Attention, Hollywood. Ethnicity is not a tan. Even in the game, designed by a western production house, the Prince has a Eurasian vibe going. This isn’t Gyllenhaal’s fault of course, just the casting director’s. Though I can’t help but think that someone as successful as him, who isn’t necessarily desperate for greenbacks or notoriety, could’ve maybe at least considered that this might be a mistake.

Agent: Jake, new project. Prince of Persia. BOOYA.

Jake: That is cool. I like those games but…

Agent: But what? Video game money is baller!

Jake: Ya but I’m not Persian. I’m not of any middle eastern ancestry at all.

(Quick look in mirror)

Jake: Actually, looking at myself now, I think I may have the whitest, least ethnic face in all of Hollywood. That’s probably why I made such believable ‘everyteens’ and ‘everymarines.’ Isn’t there someone else who could do this?

Agent: But Jake, it’s about an Arab prince who controls time with a sword. You are this part.

Whatever. Video game movies with big stars are probably the next thing to dominate Hollywood after the year comic books just had at the box office, so it’s to be expected that we’d get a few mis-casts. But hey, maybe he’ll pull it off.

Apply some more bronzer, I guess.