Question? Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv. tuffyluvcc [at] gmail [dot] com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I was dating this guy for a 3 years who was really awful to me, and I don’t know why I stayed, but I did. He always called me horrible names like ‘b*tch’ and ‘whore’ for no reason -  we fought all the time, and he accused me of being a horrible person. He wouldn’t let me hang out with my friends, and I was basically supporting him financially.

Last month he started getting a little physical. He pushed me during two different arguments. The final straw was when he put his hand on my throat during a fight. I got really scared and ended things.

For a month he called, texted and emailed nonstop. Until last week. He stopped all of a sudden, and I thought he had finally got the clue.  I hadn’t heard from him in a week when he suddenly showed up at my 21st birthday party. He knew about it, because I had invited him prior to our falling out. Even though I told him not to come when I broke up with him, he showed up and it was really weird. He bought me a present–this is the first time he has bought me anything– and hung around staring at me. I was uncomfortable and ended up going home early.

Now he thinks I’m dating someone new (I’m not), and he told me in the past that he would really hurt me if I ever was with someone else. I’m scared, but I don’t want to make a huge deal about it in case I’m wrong. Also, it’s embarrassing. What should I do?

Freaked Out

Dear Freaked Out,

CALL THE POLICE.

I am so not kidding. You SHOULD be freaked out. I’m freaked out, too. We’re all freaked out. This guy is potentially dangerous. Don’t take any chances, you hear me? There are too many tragic stories where a woman is too ashamed to report a man who ends up taking her life. You need to go to the police station and file a report. Get a restraining order if they’ll give you one. Change your locks. Change your phone. Ask the police for advice.

But please don’t wait. This guy sounds erratic, and he’s already been physical. Tell your friends what’s going on, so they can be on the lookout too. ALWAYS have someone walk you home or to your car or wherever you’re going–you don’t want to take any chances until things have been resolved.

You need to trust your gut here. He’s making you feel unsafe. That’s because this is an unsafe situation. You need to take all the help you can get. File the report and keep the police updated with everything he does that intrudes on your personal space. Do not give this guy an inch.

You only get one life. Take care of it. You were brave to end it with him. Don’t let him intimidate you–keep being the brave, strong woman you always were.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv. Email Aunt Tuffy at tuffyluvCC [at] gmail [dot] com

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’m fat. I hate my body. Now what?

Fatty

Dear Girl,

That’s right. I refused to call you Fatty. Because–what the floop?! Girl, you have got to address these issues now before they eat you whole–literally. Look, sometimes people gain weight. But people also lose weight, right? Right. So here’s what you do:

Figure out what’s making you gain weight. Is it the types of foods you’re eating? The amount of food? Or are you not exercising enough?

If it’s a food issue, start reading up on what’s healthy and what’s not. If you know what is good for your body, you’ll want to give it food that makes it run better. Vegetables, whole grains, lean protein–these things can be prepared deliciously, and they’ll make you feel great.

For amount of food, think portion control. At the beginning, weigh your food. I’m not kidding. Read up on portion sizes (from nutritionists and health experts, not crazos) and weigh it until you know what the right amount looks like. Limit yourself to eating only that amount. You might feel hungry at first, but within a week or so, your body will adjust. Most of us are used to overeating–you’ll feel much better when you’re actually eating the right amount.

Exercise is good for everyone. You want cardio AND weights. Find something you like to do (dancing, running, whatever) and make a schedule that has you doing it four times a week. And then stick to it!!! And do NOT reward yourself with food–reward yourself with the knowledge that you’re taking good care of yourself and starting better habits for the future.

And in the meantime, girl, seriously lay off. I’m sure you’re absolutely beautiful just the way you are. It is not healthy to be significantly overweight, but that doesn’t mean you should feel unattractive for it!!! Lots of men like a little extra meat. Don’t slim down for that; slim down because you’ll feel better, and you’ll have fewer health problems as you age. Do it for yourself. And in the meantime, always, always love the body you’ve got. Because that’s you, baby!

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

[lead image via Monkey Business Images / Shutterstock]

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’m almost 21 and have never had a boyfriend! I went to an all-girls high school and never socialized with guys. My circle of friends consisted of girls and this carried on as I entered university.

It’s not that I’ve never been approached before. I just think I have never met a guy I’ve genuinely been interested in. Of course there have been the occasional crushes, but those never went beyond physical appearances. I think I have high standards and easily pin point flaws in guys that immediately turn me off from the idea of being with them (eg: they lack manners or smoke), but it’s because I’m not interested in anything casual. If I am going to commit to a relationship, I have to be convinced we can make it last. Is it too much to ask for a guy who is kind and makes me laugh? (And who accepts me and my quirks?)

I don’t think I lack confidence and I don’t think I’m hideous looking. I think my problem is I don’t know how to act and talk to guys. I can be myself, but sometimes I can be blunt and lack empathy. My friends find my deadpan humor funny, but I think others don’t get it and it turns them away. To give you a better idea, I believe I may have Asperger’s Syndrome. I haven’t been diagnosed, but when I read about it, I can relate to, 95% of the signs and symptoms! I find whenever I talk to guys and people I don’t know very well, I have a difficult time holding my end of the conversation. I either don’t know how to engage the person or don’t know the appropriateness of the topics I can share.

I guess what I’m trying say in all of this is that I have issues with how to act like a normal and appealing young lady while still trying to be myself. I need some advice, pointers, and conversation topics that will get things rolling. Anything! Your opinion, stories you may have, etc.

Sorry for the long email. I’m sure I could have written this in five sentences, but I felt it was probably important to give you a sense of my history and personality to avoid the vague and typical answers.

Thanks,
Ass Burgers

Dear Ass Burgers,

Well, okay, first of all, let’s not diagnose you on an advice column.

[Lead image via CREATISTA/Shutterstock]

For those of you not in the know, Mayo Clinic sez: “Asperger’s Syndrome is a developmental disorder that affects a person’s ability to socialize and communicate effectively with others.” It’s sort of like really high functioning autism, in Aunt Tuffy’s understanding of it.

That being said, Aunt Tuffy ain’t Doctor Tuffy. And you ain’t Doctor Ass Burgers. Soooooo…

If you really think you have Asperger’s, get thee to a doctor, honey!! Said doc can help you understand your symptoms and give you various therapies to make life so much easier. In the meantime, while you’re still undiagnosed, let’s assume you’re just, like, a little socially awkward. With that being the case, there are so many ways you can help yourself.

Numero uno, of course, is developing those listening skills. This is a talent our society seems to shoop upon, but listening to other people–like, truly, actually LISTENING to other people–makes them *GASP* like you.

So when you meet guys, if you find yourself blabbering on, let them get in on the action. A conversation should generally be 50/50: you talk half the time, they talk half the time. Be engaged in what you’re saying AND in what the other person is saying.

And be more sensitive. If they tell you something that’s important to them, don’t make a joke about it. This, my dear, is just common decency. Yes??

As for your high standards–yes, of course you should have them!!! And, yes, absolutely, you deserve to be with someone who is kind and who makes you laugh–as long as YOU are kind to THEM and YOU make THEM laugh. You get what I’m saying here?! It’s give and take. 50/50.

And sometimes you don’t know if a guy is going to be good until you get to know him better. So a first date here and there is in order. I think your idea that you’re “not interested in anything casual” is just an excuse to opt out of dating. How the floop do you know what someone’s like before you’ve hung out with them?! Seriously. A dinner here and there is not a big deal. That is really not worth whining about how you don’t want to “commit.” You can’t “commit” to salad AND an entree?! Just have coffee, then. It’s really not so much to ask to give the guy a half hour. GEEZ.

Okay, and so, on to topics. Let’s get back to this 50/50 idea, right? Ask him questions about himself. That is 100% guaranteed to get the conversation going. Hopefully you’ll find out something you have in common. If not, hopefully he’ll have something interesting to say about stuff he likes. So, questions you can ask:
-What kind of music do you like?
-Have you seen any good movies?
-I just read about [topic]. Have you heard about that? / What do you think?

Or you can take the route of telling him something about yourself and seeing if there’s any common ground there. For instance:

-You know what I just got into? [thing you got into]
-I’ve been watching [thing] and I thought [stuff]…

And if you’re really brave or really bored:

-What do you think about the government / religion / gender roles?

Good luck, kiddo.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Qvestion?! Ansver: Ask Tuffy Luv by emailing us at TuffyLuvCC [at] gmail [dot] com.

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

This is really embarrassing, so I’m just going to say it – I love porn. My boyfriend likes porn, too, but he doesn’t know that I like it. I want to tell him, because I think it would be really hot to look at it together. But I’m embarassed. I also don’t want him to think I’m a slut or anything. We’ve been together all throughout college, so it’s not like he would think that but still… How can I tell him in a way that is sexy and not slutty?

Porn Lover

Dear Porn Lover,

That is totally not slutty. How is it slutty to want to enjoy something you find sexually satisfying with the very man you find sexually satisfying?! No. Slutty, it is not. Honey, here’s my advice:

During The Sexy Times, whisper a really sexy scenario into your boyfriend’s ear. When he’s all worked up over it, tell him you got it from your favorite porn and suggest watching it together. And then, you know, actually watch it together. I’m pretty sure he’ll be super excited. And I mean flooping SUPER excited. You like something he already likes, it’s related to sex, and you’re his girlfriend!

Girl, this isn’t a problem. This is every guy’s dream!

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

[lead image via Margarita Borodina / Shutterstock]

Dear Tuffy Luv,

So my boyfriend of almost two years and I just broke up. I can honestly say that this is the first time that I have been literally devastated after a breakup. I’m in college and I can’t bring it in myself to do anything, except go to class and back to my apartment. I really love this guy and I want to help him realize that we should be together. The reason behind the breakup was because he let a girl (whom he has had past relations with) kiss his neck at a party that I did not attend. When he told me, I made a rash decision, freaked out and broke up with him. The next day after thinking about it I realized that I love him too much to let him go, and his actions honestly weren’t that bad (he had the courage to tell me himself).

When I talked to him the next day I gave him an ultimatum of either deleting the girl’s number or mine. And he chose to keep the girl’s number. He said it wasn’t because he wanted to be with that girl, but because his actions made him confused on whether or not he wanted to be in a relationship right now. He says that he won’t have time to focus on me with graduation quickly approaching. While saying all of this he was crying, and before he left he said that he loved me and hopes that in the future he can try to work his way back into my life.

I honestly just want  to be with him. I don’t want to wait till later, and because it hurts too much I can’t just be friends with him. What should I do?! Please help!

Broken Heart </3

Dear Broken Heart,

I reallllllly hate to say this, but I think this relationship is over. I know he’s saying he wants to get together later, but that’s because he cares about you and is scared of being without you. Still, he — well — he WANTS to be without you. And he IS trying to tell you.

I think your best bet is to deal with this graciously. Don’t talk to this guy for a while — not out of anger, but for your own mental health. Look, girl, you are hurting. And understandably so. First dude lets some girl kiss his neck (wtfloop?!?!??!) and then he tells you he’s not ready to be in a relationship. Those are both very, very hurtful things.

But he’s told you he’s not ready, and you have to accept that. I think you know, deep down, that this is not someone who is ready to be with you. And you don’t want to be with someone who chooses a neck-kisser and her phone number over you and yours.

You know, maybe, MAYBE this will all work out. It’s possible he’s just having a freakout as graduation approaches and he doesn’t know what he wants. But, to be honest with you, I think that what YOU want is someone who KNOWS they WANT YOU. You understand what  I’m saying?

You, too, are about to start a new life. When you graduate college, you enter a whole new world of adulthood. You want to be with someone who is sure of the two of you. You want a man, not a boy. And your boy is only now beginning to transition.

I know you’re hurting now. But give yourself some time. I know that’s hard to accept, but, I promise you, it’s true. Either he’ll come back into your life or he won’t, but, either way, if you give yourself some space, things will get better. Wait it out. Treat yourself. Baby yourself until you feel better (which, I promise, you eventually will). Let yourself heal.

And then find someone who wants you completely and who you want completely back. And I know you’ll be happy.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv. tuffyluvcc@gmail.com

[Lead image via Peter Bernik/Shutterstock]

Dear Tuffy Luv,

Do guys like makeup? My friend says yes, I don’t think so. Is there a happy medium when it comes to applying makeup, or do you guys think it’s hot when we go all out Kardashian style? Let me know what’ll help me attract guys, not repel them!

College Freshman Wanting To Date More

Dear College Freshman Wanting To Date More,

This is timely! I just read a really interesting article about something similar in the New York Times. Apparently, wearing makeup in the workplace makes women seem more competent. I am semi-disgusted by this (how chauvinistic can our flooping society be!!!), but facts iz facts.

But do guys actually PREFER makeup?! Well, honestly, CFWTDM, it really and truly depends on the guy.

Yeah, Cosmo and whatnot will spend endless decades trying to convince you one way or the other, depending on what’s in and what they’re trying to sell. But, truthfully, it all comes down to personal preference.

I mean, if you really want to break it down, think about what kind of guy YOU want to attract. Do you want someone who only wants to hike and live off the land? Perhaps you’re best off with the no-makeup look. If you want, like, a sugar daddy, my understanding is a full face of makeup is de rigeur.

But for anything in between–and most of us DO opt for something in between–it should be all about how you feel most beautiful. Think about your lifestyle and how you want to appear, and make that look yours. If you want to be totally barefaced, the right guy will think that’s your best look. If you feel best with makeup, either natural or full-out, the right guy will think THAT’S your best look. Match your look to how you feel best, and your confidence will shine.

Or whatever.

Okay, stop making Aunt Tuffy sound like a Hallmark card for Revlon. Enough is enough.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv. tuffyluvcc@gmail.com

[Lead image via Inga Ivanova/Shutterstock]

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’m graduating with a degree in nursing. Where should I move?

Ready to start life

Dear Ready to start life,

Wow. Well, that depends. I found this nifty little site: fabulousnurse.com. According to fabulousnurse.com, the best city for a nurse is Austin, TX, followed by San Antonio, TX and Salt Lake City, UT. Seems to based on a number of factors, including basic number of job openings and salary. I also found nursinglink.monster.com, which claims based on cash per hour, California and Hawaii are the top two. Um, I think I’m going with that one.

You’re obviously looking for an adventure, since you’re willing to relocate any flooping place based on your question. So open up your options by eliminating some, yes? First you need to think about what you’re going to do with that nursing degree. Do you want to work in a hospital? Or do you want to be a psychiatric nurse? Or a nurse educator? Or a school nurse? You can search that way and find really interesting jobs in other cities that you would never have found if you just searched “nurse.”

You could also be a travel nurse or disaster nurse and help by traveling to the people who need you most. Aunt Tuffy will worry about you, because it’s dangerous and scary, but I’m sure it’s also incredibly exciting and rewarding. On the other hand, you also have to think about other things. Like?

(1) Your family. Do you want to be close to them? Far from them? Make sure you know and consider it!!

(2) Starting your own family. Do you want to do that eventually? Think about the general time-line you’d like to set and pick your location based on how steady or not steady you might want to be.

(3) Do you like cities? Rural areas? Suburbs?

Girl, you need to visit some places. Take a roadtrip and figure out what the floop you like in a place. And then find a job and move there.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

[Lead image via Supri Suharjoto / Shutterstock]

Dear Tuffy Luv,

Firstly, I can’t believe I’m graduating in a month and am meant to become a real, live, moneymaking member of society.  But what I am really worried about is what to do about my current relationship situation.

I’ve been dating my current boyfriend (we’ll call him J) since September.  This is my first serious relationship and it has been amazing.  A few bumps in the road, but I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been this happy and in love (yeah, I’m one of those nauseatingly happy couples — I apologize).  Problem is that J is British and he goes back home after graduation.

When we first started dating, I had the attitude that it was just for fun.  When my friends would ask me where I saw it going, I would answer something like “Everything is great, but since he has to leave in May, it kind of has an expiration date.”  Over the course of college, I have seen a few friends try a LDR and it has never ended well for any of them.  As a result, I’ve always had the attitude that it was something just not worth trying unless the two parties involved were hoping for some serious emotional torture.  Also, J is not at all my usual type, so I figured that it wouldn’t ever get to the point where I saw him as the guy I wanted to spend years and years with.

Obviously, I was wrong (as we all often are in these situations).  I want to stay with him, and I know he wants to stay with me too — he has made comments about me visiting him in England after graduation.  But, the pessimist that I am, I can’t help wondering if we haven’t been dating long enough to have the deep trust necessary for a VERY-long-distance relationship to work.

So, my question is… should I try this LDR thing? Or should we just go our separate ways until the logistics change–in an effort to avoid hurting each other and ruining what we could possibly have in the future? Either way, do you have any advice for how I should approach the situation? How to make an LDR work? Or how to break up with him (it kills me to even suggest this…) while making him realize it has nothing to do with how much I love him?

Thanks,
Wishing April Could Last Forever

Dear Wishing April Could Last Forever,

Disclaimer: This question is totally from a year ago. I had meant to answer it, but Aunt Tuffy sometimes gets overwhelmed by the volume of questions (sorry!!) and puts things aside and forgets to come back to them.

So, Wishing April, I apologize that my answer is a year late. But I’m publishing it anyway, because I think it could be useful to other girls in your situation.

So, it’s like, well, I think you should go for it.

I know. I know. I hate LDRs. I believe I has made that a-clear.

But in this case, you seem so into him. Sometimes, girl, love really is enough. And you won’t know until you try.

So, I say, what the floop!!! Throw caution to the wind and crap!!!

Look, you sound crazy about the kid. And it’s against all odds, right?! I mean, like, what’s to lose? You’re already expecting it to fall apart when he moves. If you’re really serious about this guy–which you totally seem to be–I think you owe it to yourself (and to him!) to see if it can work out.

Tips: Okay, you need a plan for this. So my advice is to have an end date. In other words, if you guys are still together in [X amount of time], then one of you will move so that you can be together. The two of you should start putting plans for the long term: whose home turf can you both find work at? Is it more important to be near his family or yours? What do you guys want for your potential future together and how can you make it happen?!?

If you can’t do that, then it wasn’t meant to be.

But if you guys can make a plan, and it’s a plan you don’t like, and you still love each other and want to be together, give it a shot!

If it doesn’t work out, hey, you saw it coming.

And if it does work out–well, you’ll have taken a chance on the love of your life and won it all.

Wishing April, I really hope it worked out for you!!! If you see this, let us know! (Post your real first name [which you signed in your email] so Aunt Tuffy knows it’s really you.)

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

[Lead image via Jean Lee/Shutterstock]

Dear Tuffy Luv,

My best frenemy is getting married. Ok, fine. I was happy for her. The problem is she asked me to make a speech. Tuffy, this girl is not someone I can say something nice about. We have a lot of the same friends so I can’t back out of giving the speech, but we have had a lot of problems in the past.

She dated my ex boyfriend after I broke up with him even though I told her I wasn’t ok with it. She caused a lot of drama with our mutual friends in the past. I dont want to even go in to it here, but trust me this girl is not nice.

But we have a lot of the same friends. And we have been friends since the beginning of high school.

Tuffy, I honestly do not have any thing nice to say. What should I do?

Frenemy

Dear Frenemy,

Welp, I think you’re stuck making this speech. Girl obviously doesn’t consider you a frenemy or she wouldn’t have asked you to talk. So, um, there’s that. Is this chick oblivious, or is this state of freneminity on your side only?! Whatever. It doesn’t matter. The point is, you don’t care for her, but you have to pretend you do. Except, actually, like, you HAVE been pretending you do. So, um, that’s sort of phony, isn’t it?

Girls of the Internet: STOP HAVING FRENEMIES. What the floop is the point?! If you don’t like someone, don’t hang out with them!!! If they’re friends with your friends, try to be nice but, for crying out loud, don’t act like you’re their actual FRIEND!!! Haven’t you ever heard of “acquaintances?!” You can be perfectly polite and kind to someone WITHOUT making them think you want to GIVE A SPEECH AT THEIR WEDDING.

But, bygones. Okay. So. You have to give this speech, yes?

If I were you, my little Frenemy, I would talk to all your many mutual friends. Get quotes from them about things they like. And quote them in your speech. Show her how many people love her. And tie it together by saying (I HOPE truthfully) that you hope she and her betrothed have a wonderful future together. And then stay out of it.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

[Lead image via auremar/Shutterstock]

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I have a friend (let’s call her D) who is always asking me when I’m going to break up with my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I got together senior year of high school, and now it’s junior year of college. He’s really great, and we love each other. He’s not going anywhere.

D and I used to be really close , but she’s always been really jealous of my boyfriend. He’s always nice to her, and when we hang out in a group, we all have a good time. She says it’s nothing personal; she just thinks I’d be happier single. I think she’d just be happier if I were single. She always wants me to come out for “girls’ nights,” and then she tries to get me to hook up with random guys! I don’t know what her deal is. Every single one of my other friends loves my boyfriend. What should I do?

Friend Problems

Dear Friend Problems,

Man, this girl is jealous! D clearly wants you all to herself, and not in that fun sexual way, either. Misery loves company, and singles love wing-friends. Being single can be totally fun. But it sounds like your friend wants you to be her partner in crime, and you’re already spoken for! She’s like, “Gosh, wouldn’t it be fun if Friend Problems broke up with her awesome boyfriend, because I want to go partying in with her?”

NO, YOU SHOOPHEAD D, NO IT WOULD NOT.

Look, you have a boyfriend you obviously care a great deal about, and it sounds like he’s awesome. Your friend, however, sounds crappy. If you’re already going out with her, why does she want you to cheat on your boyfriend?! Why does she want you to break up with him?! Because she’s selfish as floop.

Don’t get caught up in this. Keep hanging out with D if you like her (although she sounds really annoying if you ask lil ol’ Aunt Tuff). But the second she brings up your boyfriend in ANY WAY, I want you to say this exact phrase EVERY SINGLE TIME: “I love him so much. I’m not going to talk about him with you.” And change the goshdarn flooping subject!

Geez. D sucks.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

[lead image via Piotr Marcinski, shutterstock.com]