This month’s Seventeen was, well….just as predictable as ever. They gave us the secret to getting a cute butt (in case you didn’t know, Seventeen is to cute butts as Cosmo is to flat abs – which means that every issue gives tips that seem way too simple to ever be effective. Probably because they’re not. Sorry, but if it was that easy, we’d all look like Kourtney Kardashian.)

This month’s Seventeen is extra bright and peppy and I find myself unable to turn away. Maybe it’s the presence of the word “FREE” on the cover, or maybe it has more to do with the promise of perfect hair all summer. Hell, maybe the cover is such an assault on my eyeballs because its cover girl, Lucy Hale (who is actually totally cute and cool and has amazing style!) is decked out in some seriously neon colors, complete with an attention-grabbing feather earring.

Another week, another Glee episode – but this one is special. It’s one of the few that takes place away from the hallowed halls of McKinley High, the perfectly typical high school backdrop from some perfectly typical high school issues. And maybe that’s why this episode seemed to lack a bit of the quirky charm that we’ve come to expect from Glee.

This week’s episode of Glee is tragic for several reasons: the first (and most important) tragedy? Sue’s sister, Jean (the Downs Syndrome patient who we’ve visited in a nursing home every time we need to be reassured of the existence of Sue’s heart) passed away. The death is sudden, and it set the stage for many of the issues that were tackled in “Funeral.”

According to Lea Michele, this week’s episode of Glee is considered one of the show’s best to date. And since I pretty much take anything Lea Michele says or does seriously, I had some VERY high expectations. So were they met? Yes and no.

I can more or less divide the various plotlines of this episode into three neat little categories – the romantic stuff, the dreaming big stuff, and the sneaky stuff – and they were all tied together by one idea: that muckrakers ruin everything.

This month’s cover girl was Emma Roberts, who I absolutely despise because, according to the article, the bitch stole my man. Yup, you heard me: she’s allegedly seeing Chace Crawford, which I just can’t forgive.

If there’s one song that more or less sums up the entire premise of Glee, it’s Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way.” All the key messages of Glee are addressed in the most succinct way possible in this radio-ready song: self-love, equality, free will, and acceptance of others. Both the song and the show are basically a great big “eff you” to xenophobia of all kinds.

There’s a little part of me that refuses to believe that last night’s all-new episode of Glee was real. For starters, there was no preemptive controversy surrounding the nature of “A Night Of Neglect,” which is just plain rare for an episode of this show. It also lacked some other crucial elements: Rachel didn’t sing, Brittany didn’t make me laugh (am I the only one that totally predicted her being revealed as a quirky, closeted genius?), Puck didn’t make me laugh OR swoon, and there was almost no attention given to Rachel and Finn’s broken relationship

I’m not too embarrassed to admit that I was an absolute Sweet Valley FANATIC growing up. I’m not even above admitting that I read (and re-read) the books well into my high school and college years. While my classmates were devouring legit literature, I, the budding writer, was absolutely engrossed in the lives of two irritatingly perfect California blondes.