T. O’Rourke

Abroad Diaries, Madrid

Week 1: Pre-departure

September 3-11

Any sane human would start packing no more than two days before a trip abroad. However, I came to the conclusion many, many moons ago that I am a far cry from sane. Evidence for this claim includes my copious use of post-it notes (thank you Arthur Fry), obsessive addiction to sugar (how can anyone go without Swedish fish?), and, more relevant to the present matter, my compulsive need for advanced planning. One could say I started “packing” in mid-June. Why, then, has this past week been one of the most stressful of the year (a close third to finals week and The Bachelorette finale)? Even the most detailed lists of clothes, travel documents, and precise amount of Luna bars needed to see me through Ibiza could do nothing to quell my pre-departure jitters.

Yet I can’t help but imagine how crazy this week would have been without my neurotic preparations. I started by carefully combing through all the information I’d gotten at the orientation meetings in the spring (because lets be honest, I slept through half of them and answered email during the other half – not the best call now that I think about it, but c’est la vie… er, así es la vida?). The packets actually had a ton of helpful pre-departure suggestions, including registering my trip with the US Department of State (I now get email updates and travel warnings for the places I plan to visit), remembering to buy a unique gift for my host family (a hand-made Oregonian cribbage set), and reconfirming my flight 48 hours before lift-off (apparently if you don’t they can give away your seat… no thanks).

Next, I conferred with my travel cronies about our plans once we arrive. The six of us will be traversing around Spain for eight days before our program starts, catching some rays (and neon lights) in Ibiza and practicing our “th” sounds in Barcelona (Barthelona?). We booked our flights with Ryan Air, Vueling, and EasyJet since they’re far cheaper than any other airline, as long as you avoid extra costs and fees like baggage (we’ll only be taking carry-ons), premium seats, and rental car services.  I would recommend avoiding Vueling, though, as they seem to think it’s okay to spontaneously change the time of a flight you’ve already booked and paid for without alerting you…. But I digress. We then carefully researched Ibiza hostels and found one that looks great (for only $30 total for three nights!) called Hostal Giramundo Ibiza. Once we hit Barcelona, we’ll be mooching off some fellow students at their apartment. Win.

The rest of the planning was pretty straightforward (albeit time-consuming): I contacted the program director in Madrid, who agreed to keep our luggage safe while we gallivant around Spain; researched where the nearest Vodafone store to the airport is located, so I can get that international cell as soon as I arrive (way cheaper than bringing an American phone); got my family set up with Skype for our weekly (maybe bi-weekly) chats; created a Google doc that details my travel itinerary, and then sent the link to close family and friends who might enjoy keeping tabs on my whereabouts; bought travel-sized shampoos, conditioners, and face-washes so TSA doesn’t freak out over my liquids; invested in a lovely new pair of boots (along with far too many shirts and skits I “need” for my trip); broke a sweat trying to cram three months of stuff into one duffel bag and one backpack (I’ll soon realize what I’ve forgotten, but for now ignorance is bliss); and then said bon voyage (ah, buen viaje?).

So yes, this week’s been crazy. Between hanging out with my two younger sisters and the friends who haven’t left for school yet, two family trips to the beach, three separate Target trips, powering through all four seasons of Gossip Girl, and my desperate last-ditch attempt at a bikini-ready bod, I’ve been running close to the speed of light. Thankfully it all ends (or, perhaps, begins) tomorrow at 10:54 AM. Hello Madrid! Hasta luego US of A.

We spent our week planning our Halloween costume, trying not to die from our Birth Control (not that we need it, considering how long we’ve been single), trying to understand the purpose of a threesome, avoiding scary movies, attempting to get our awful roommate to move out, and trying to find the perfect sweater dress for fall.

Ugh. Even our Hump Day was stressful with both the big presidential debate and the season finale of Project Runway on at the same time.

It’s a good thing we learned a few beauty tricks to fix those undereye circles; otherwise, we would have looked like one hot mess.

Thankfully it’s Friday, which means lots of time to r-e-l-a-x. We just aren’t sure which way is better: a few yoga classes, or a bird poop facial??

I will still accept their declarations of lip gloss superiority like they were handed down from the divine, but when it comes to their interpretation of all things men (or at least all things greatly generalized and stereotyped), I think I’ll be reading with a grain of salt handy.

And I’ll pass that grain onto you. With every passing month and, in turn, every new “Secret Sex Fantasy Guys Won’t Tell You!” revealed, I will be here to break it all down for you. I will find the truth buried deep between the unsafe sex positions and “things he secretly loves you for,” so you don’t end up with a stiff neck, an angry boyfriend or some seriously embarrassing sexcapades.]

This month: 75 Crazy-Hot Sex Moves. Inevitably, variations of the same “ingenious” sex moves, tips tricks, “advice from real guys” (oddly enough, 19-24 year old males speak in the exact manner of Cosmo’s writers) are published every other month. November’s issue does not disappoint, but there were a few gems that even a die-hard Cosmo Girl just ain’t down for.

#2. “Intensify his orgasm by placing two fingers an inch behind his balls and feeling for a dent…For the last 30 seconds before he comes, massage the spot in a circular motion.”

Ok, I’m all for orgasm intensification, but not at the stake of my man’s butthole. Even Cosmo shows a little uncertainty about anal relations (“It’s totally cool…but make sure it’s ok with him first.”—they don’t include a disclaimer about permish before any of their other moves…), so I’m not so ready to venture that close while my target is rapidly thrusting and moving every which way. Additionally, there are tell tale signs that a guy is about to orgasm, but I don’t know if I’m skilled enough to identify them half a minute in advance. Cosmo has this very odd way of giving hyperprecise timing instructions for many of their moves…

# 14. “Straddle your guy, then lean forward and rest your upper body on his torso. Bring one leg out to the side, and bend it so that the inside of your leg is against the bed. Then straighten the other leg, and slide it in between his legs. You’ll be better able to rock your clitoral area against his pelvis.”

Um, can I see a diagram? Any sex position that requires more concentration than yogalates cannot be that enjoyable. Contorting my body to the point where I’m thinking about where my torso is in relation to my leg can only mean one thing: I’m not focused on the pleasure goin’ on at that point. I’ll pass…

21. “While on top, straddle your guy and clench your legs so his arms and torso are pinned down. As he keeps still, roll your hips in a clockwise direction. Switch to counter-clockwise, then back, every 30 seconds.”

Again with the timing! Do the women who play guinea pig for these articles have a stopwatch? Even if I did have a clock handy, you can be sure I won’t remember to check it every 30 seconds…which would screw up the rhythm, throw me off of my concentration—see number 14.

44. “While driving home one night, tell him to pull off into a secluded parking area. Then take him in the backseat.”

This can’t end well. Trust me, from personal experience. When you sexily demand that he pull over, he interprets your “throaty phone sex” voice as an “Oh sh*t! Deer!” voice. When he slams on the brakes you can be sure he’s not gonna be in the mood for any sexy time…at least for the first two minutes. Either that, or once in said secluded area and all hot and heavy, windows fogged, etc., you will be so creeped out by déjà vu to every teen horror film you’ve ever seen and immediately panic. Additionally, if any officer of the law comes to check out your suspicious (-ly rocking) vehicle, you’re in for some major embarrassment and possible citations.

54. “Before company comes over, get it on in one of the chairs in your living room. Seeing a guest sitting there later will remind you of how naughty you were.”

False. My thoughts of chair occupants will not be after my “naughtiness” but very much during. And instead of thinking about all the sexy things we’re doing on our chair, I’ll be thinking “Wow, whoever sits here next is one unlucky mofo! Huh, I wonder if there’s any way they would ever be able to tell. Oh God I hope not. Wait, if they can’t tell—how can I?! How many sex cahirs have I been the unsuspecting occupant of? OMG EW! And how many peole have done it before in this chair?! This furniture came with the apartment!”

So thank you, Cosmo, for never failing to deliver on your promise of wonderful new sex techniques for me to try every month. For the most part, I completely share your visions of improved orgasms, fun foreplay and great ways to incorporate more whipped cream in my life. Sometimes though, we just have to choose our separate paths (mine steering way clear of anal, arrests for lewd and lascivious behavior, severe bodily injury and clockwatch bootay.)

Come back next month for more of Cosmo’s more questionable advice. In the mean time though, feel free to post any tidbits you have a bone to pick with.

It was a difficult choice, but I did both. And after almost 3 hours of TV, my ass is asleep.

The season finale of PR was the same as always: model castings, dog poop, rushed and stressed designers backstage, “OH MY GOD THIS IS MY MOMENT”s, and then the big show.

When the main event finally arrived I got a little excited (although that could have just been the effects of the obscene amounts of coffee I chugged to make it through the night). I was really pulling for Korto – she was my favorite all along – but couldn’t wait to see what Leanne marched down the super-long runway. And, maybe, I was curious about Kenley’s collection.

And for the first time all season I was not disappointed. (If you opted for the debate, you can catch the collections here.)

The collections were all really beautiful, even Kenley’s. Each designer came through in their own unique way and I actually found myself saying (out loud!), “I’d wear that!” “I’d totally wear that!” “OMG I NEED TO BUY THAT OFF OF BLUEFLY.” (The product placement worked!)

Warning: Spoiler after the jump. I repeat: spoiler after the jump!

When it all ended I had no idea which way the judges would go: Kenley had great use of color and tailoring, Korto made dresses that would flatter any body, and Leanne’s designs were just so refreshing and beautiful.

After much deliberation (filled with stripper names and a dose of fashion history), the judges made their decision: and it was all about Leanne-imal.

It must have been that lucky dog poop.

Congrats to Leanne! We can’t wait to see your line online (tee hee). Could you just do us one teensy, tiny favor? Okay, maybe two. Can you increase the sizes and decrease the prices?

Thankssomuchbye.

We are down to six designers now, but only one of them really has any talent: Korto. The rest are just sorta coasting by with their crappy designs, poor quality and total lack of a fashion sense. And that couldn’t have been more obvious than in last night’s challenge.

The challenge was actually an interesting one that we can all connect to. The designers were to create a look for recent college graduates who were heading out into the working world. Oh, and their moms were coming to stir things up a bit.

As I watched the designers attempt to appease both mother and daughter (or in the case of Anna, drag queen and daughter…seriously, did you HEAR HER TALK!?), I tried to imagine how it would go if my mother and I were part of the episode.

“I like black, white, and gray. I like classic lines, but very trendy looks.” I would tell the designer.

“What about this bright orange and yellow swirly pattern? Or these culottes?! HOW CUTE IS THIS LEOPARD SKIRT?!” My mother would react. And then she would somehow guilt the designer into making what she wants me to wear, which she has been doing to me since I was 4.

Anyways, anyone with half a brain would know that the most important part of designing something for the job hunt/a new job is to consider the girl and the field she is going into.

And clearly Joe missed that memo.

He created a boring business suit…for a GRAPHIC DESIGNER. The girl was fun, funky, and really cool, and he put her in a freaking suit!? I get where he was coming from – wanting her to look profesh – but the whole challenge (especially when he described a pin stripe suit as “sharp”) just proved how out of touch this dude is with fashion. How the hell did he get this far?

And Suede? Um, 1972 called; they want their pattern/bell sleeves back. I felt so bad for his girl; either she had to pretend to like that mess of an outfit (which sucks), or she actually did like it (which is just unfortunate).

The only people who really nailed this challenge were Jerell and Korto. Their models looked awesome when they were done with the makeover, and you could tell it was the first time they’d ever felt that beautiful. Kenley did alright…if you want to wear a cheap Jessica McClintock dress to your new job, but don’t tell her I said that cuz that girl is caraaaazy.

Jerell ended up winning the challenge, which meant he and his model (and his birds nest hat) got to be shot for Elle magazine. The bottom two were, shocker of all shockers, Joe and Suede. This may have been the most difficult decision all season – I’d send em both home – but the judges decided it was finally time to send Joe packing. I’m sure they did it based on his craptastic designs, but also because they didn’t want to lose Suede and his third person proclamations.

PS Tuffy’s column will now appear every other Tuesday! So write in lots!!!

Dearest Tuffy Luv,

I have been dating a gentleman, “Bob”, for well over a year now. I left my boyfriend of five years to be with Bob. In the past few months, Bob has lied on several occasions about where he is, who he’s with, etc. He deletes phone calls and text messages because he’s scared I might “get upset over nothing”. I’m leaving for college in a week and will be two hours away. This past week, I found out he kissed one of his former student athletes (he was a swim coach). He begged me to take him back and I caved. This is the second time he’s cheated on me but I can’t seem to hold him accountable. How do I just make myself cut the ties when he makes me happy outside the lies?

Sincerely,

A woman scorned

Dear Woman Scorned,

I think you just blew my mind.

Seriously. Do you honestly believe him that he’s just scared you’ll, what was the term he used, “get upset over nothing?” My guess is, you don’t. Because otherwise you wouldn’t have written in.

Honey, your instincts (and actually, cold hard evidence) are telling you this man is no good. He’s already cheated on you twice. Do you really want to keep letting him do this to you? He clearly has no regard for your feelings, and the fact that he’s deleting shiz because you’ll “get upset over nothing” is just plain insulting to your intelligence.

Plus, I don’t know his age (which might make it infinitely creepier), but kissing a student is pretty freaking skeezy.

Bottom line, he’s cheated and he’ll cheat again. He seems to have no remorse and he’s been lying to you. Do you really want someone who has such blatant disregard for you?

Girl, your letter is articulate and heartfelt. You so obviously deserve better that it makes my brain hurt.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

This week we asked our writers what made them cringe. (And, yes, everyone agreed that small undies/lots of guns/long hair/ and multiple guitars all lying out on a tarp is pretty effing gross.) Guys, if you are reading this, take note. For real.

Melanie – Northeastern University: I hate cocky attitudes with a tee shirt to match, like, “got your tickets to the gun show?” No thank you!

J – NYU: The way guys’ dirty socks smell. I swear. It could be a terrorist weapon.

Jennifer: I know it’s stupid, but honestly… bad grammar. Maybe it’s just the writer coming out in me, but people who use proper grammar sound intelligent… and I’m a sucker for boys with brains!

Suzie – George Washington University: I feel horrible for being so superficial but I cannot deal with man boobs. They freak me out like… like… *silent scream*

Conan – Columbia College: Smoking. Or fake laughter.

S.E. – Hairy chests. It grosses me out if I notice chest hair poking out from a guy’s shirt. Guys need to learn chest hair is not manly, it’s disgusting.

Kelly – UMass: When guys stick their hands down their pants, scratch their balls, and then take their hand out and smell it!!! G-R-O-S-S!!!!

Lauren – University of Michigan: When guys think they are too cool for school, accompanied by shirts unbuttoned way too low to highlight some giant, blingin’ necklace and a hairstyle that you KNOW took 30 minutes to get just. right.

Nat – Barts and London: Over arrogance. Note the use of the word over. Arrogance is fine. I can tolerate it. But when a guy actually believes (with every inch of his oversized ego) he’s all that…well, let’s say I’ve never been more tempted to be a goolie-kicking kind of gal.

Sady – The New School: I’m going to go with self-absorption. That, or the herpes.

AGD – Emerson College: Stupidity. Even if it’s just pillow talk I’d like it to be grammatically correct.

John – UConn: The most unattractive thing about a girl is when she doesn’t do any of the talking. I need someone to build on what I’ve said, introduce their own ideas, agree with me, or just bust my balls for being a stupid moron.

Erica – Kent State: Besides immaturity, I’d have to say bad teeth (seriously, it took me about six months to actually make out with an ex because his were so bad that I couldn’t stand the possibility of my poor little tongue touching them on accident during a makeout session. I kid you not).

Donyae – University of Maryland: Stupidity. Hands down the most unattractive thing about a member of the opposite sex. I don’t care how drop dead gorgous a man is, he will become troll like in my eyes if he can’t hold a worthwile conversation.

Carly – Grinnell: Copious toe hair, locker-room smell, the inexplicable need to guzzle down a record number of beers in a record amount of time… need I go on?

K – NYU: Not a fan of beards/excessive facial hair… a little scruff is fine but beyond that, come on. Take the minute and shave yourself.

Amber - Old Dominion:No ambition! I have lots of goals and aspirations so there’s no way I could date someone who has no plans for the future.

Kathryn S.: I hate when guys are self-absorbed, Derek-Zoolander types. If I initially think a guy’s attractive, and then realize he’s staring at his reflection in the silverware at dinner, the date’s over.

[Photo courtesy of collegehumor.com]

Perhaps it’s time to stop blacking out/macking on totally unavailable men and start enjoying the summer days. Although, with all the crazy sh*t that went down this week (earthquakes? lumps? embarassing doctor’s appointments?) can you blame me?

Alcohol seems to be the best (and only) remedy for forgetting things I wish I never saw, getting over the fact that he didn’t call and, of course, my growing credit card bill. (I guess I should be glad I didn’t fork over the cash for that cosmetic surgery.)

Usually I would turn to music to get me through the tough times, but even that has been ruined for me.

With only 4 weeks left of summer, I better get crackin’ on finding a summer fling. It has been far too long since anyone has parked their beef bus in my tuna town. Yeah, I said it. I guess that’s what the weekend is for. Well, that and movie marathons.

Some people like burgers. Some people eat a lot of burgers–after going out, the next day for lunch, for dinner on a date. Yes, some people like burgers. I’m not one of them.

I don’t eat beef. I do, however, eat turkey. Not only is it very tasty when prepared correctly, it’s also much, much leaner. And, I might add, it’s cheaper too.

So here, for your dining pleasure, is a recipe for tasty turkey burgers. Don’t be fooled: These are not the dry-ass turkey burgers of the 80s. No, this is a good recipe for good turkey burgers. So…enjoy!

Turkey Burgers That Don’t Suck

makes 4 burgers

You’ll need:

1 lb of ground turkey

1 1/2 tbsp of finely chopped onion

3 small beaten egg whites

1/3 clove of minced garlic

1/8 tsp of fresh black pepper

1 tbsp of bread crumbs

1/4 tsp of salt

1 tbsp of chopped parsley

How To Make the Burgers

(1) Mix the turkey, onion, garlic, salt, pepper, bread crumbs, egg whites, and parsley in a bowl.

(2) Make 4 patties out of the mixture. (Mmmm…patties…)

(3) In a skillet, cook the patties on medium heat.

(5) Turn the suckers once. Make sure they end up at an internal temp of 180 degrees (F, obviously).

(6) Slap ‘em on buns, add fixins, and share with three friends!

[Image courtesy of www.whatwereeating.com]