I didn’t know it was possible to be more in love with you, but after learning that you spend your free time doing ballet, my heart yearned for you more. You’re totally swoon-worthy in all ways. I’m sure I’m not the only girl vying for your love, affection and abs, so I’m writing you this letter so you know that I love you the most.

This year, I’m gonna be Snooki for Halloween. Leopard minidress, butterfly “tramp clamp” hairclip, ten bottles of bronzing lotion and go-go boots, plus a can of hairspray in one hand and a drink in the other, and I’m good to go! (Note: currently casting for my other half. You can choose from Vinny, Gionni or JWoww.)

Being an adult requires that you stop doing certain practices from your childhood. College requires you to be dependent, so waiting half a semester to bring your laundry home for your mom to wash isn’t going to cut it. The silver lining is we can now vote and (look old enough to) buy alcohol, but it still sucks that we’re too grown up for our moms to make our ponytails, we’re too old to order off the vastly less expensive kid’s menu, and we have too much homework for 9 o’clock to be our bedtime.

Today Kim Kardashian is 31 years old (she’s practically a fossil!). We got ahold of a schedule for the day that shows how Kim is celebrating (we got ahold of it because we made it up). Since Kim’s wedding was such a spectacle, her birthday celebration will most likely be one too.

While I’m still dealing with my own animalistic intentions (I’m sensitive, alright?), I’ve got a little somethin’-somethin’ for all of you currently enrolled animal-like college kids: animals behaving like people!

To forewarn you, I am by no means a sex toy sexpert. But even with my unprofessional eyes I can identify when something is just not right. I know everyone has different tastes and preferences and I’m not here to judge, (unless you’re wearing sweats in public…haha just kidding…not really…too soon?), but below are ten extremely questionable sex toys that violated my eyes– so I can’t imagine what they’d do you to your hooha.

Seventeen continues to perturb me in ways that Glamour never has. I just can’t get over the one-dimensional messages this magazine is sending to girls. Maybe my pearl-clutching is a little out of hand, but it makes me nervous that right there on the cover is the tagline “Hair & Makeup Ideas That Make You Instantly Prettier!” Like teenage girls don’t face enough pressure in regards to conforming and being pretty in their every day lives.

This investigative journalism piece has taken me to the far ends of Google and back. My search for the truth hit many road blocks, but alas here we are and I present to you: models eating.

Today is John Mayer’s birthday, and while we can’t personally go to his house to tell him “Happy Birthday!”, we can tell you how to get your own personal John Mayer. Spotting the John Mayers on your campus is easy if you know what you’re looking for. Not every guy is going to be a six-foot-four-inch John Mayer look-a-like, but they can have some Mayer traits.

Why do nice guys finish last and douchebags get first crack at the girls of the nice guys’ dreams? Why do all women seem to go through a phase where they are inextricably drawn to as*holes who make them miserable? These are the questions asked all throughout high school, college, and even beyond, when the real world crashes all those Saved by the Bell ingrained clichés. I think I’ve got a clue.