Lesson 41 – Don’t Ask For Advice You Don’t Intend On Taking

There you are, shaking your head again, because somehow (perhaps under the influence of a little Grey Goose and Sarah Dessen) you’ve wandered into dangerous territory yet again. So you fell in love with a fool. Who hasn’t? And it seems that every time you’re left to your own devices, you wake up covered in his sheets and your own shame. And even though you refer to him as a soul-sucking douchebag void of emotion, he’s always been your soul-sucking douchebag void of emotion. But just because he’s a fool doesn’t mean you have to be one too.

The way I see it is that if you’re going to go out of your way to beg your friends for advice on how to fall out of love with a man who clearly has no regard for your feelings, than you need to go out of your way to at least try and take their advice. So many times I’ve given my closest girlfriends pep talks that they’ve requested, to deter them from their loser ex-boyfriends, and so many times it’s like they haven’t listened at all as they race back to him and the bedding his mother probably purchased for him. If you have no intention of taking your friend’s advice, especially after you practically begged for it, then please do them a favor and stop asking for it.

By now we all know your friends are your friends and they just want what’s best for you. When they go out of their way to give you thoughtful advice, that you ignore the minute you smell so much as a hint of your ex’s cologne, the least you could do is make an effort to take it to heart. The blunt and honest truth is that nobody likes the friend that makes a huge deal of asking for advice about her romantic troubles but who, upon receiving said advice, pretends like she never asked for it in the first place.

Often girls justify going back to their exes with the fact that they’ve listened to advice suggesting they don’t, convincing themselves they’ve heard out both sides of the story. The problem lies in asking for advice out of ritual and never actually processing and internalizing it. And sure enough the vicious cycle begins, you run back to him and then to your friends for more advice that you don’t intend on actually taking as you rush back to him the minute you’re alone again.

Maybe some girls have a reservoir of advice to give out to girls like it’s candy on Halloween night, but when I take the time to dole out advice to my girlfriends, I put thought and consideration into it and, above all, energy. Energy that could’ve been spent doing things that are actually useful to my own life, like studying or playing Dance Dance Revolution. As a general rule of thumb, don’t ask for advice because you like the attention, or because you want to feel less guilty about not making any true efforts to move on from your ex. If you’re not going to consider your friends’ advice out of respect for yourself, then at least do it out of respect for your girlfriends.

Got it? Feel empowered? Good. Now get the first 40 rules of the Single Girl Society

My first kiss
I was 19. I was at a party with a whole bunch of lesbians and one straight guy. After a few drinks, he found me appealing enough to kiss, and well, it was late enough in the evening that he had started looking like Justin Timberlake to me, so we started kissing. By this point, the party had wound down and we were the only ones still in the living room. In the process of making out, my dress and bra came off, and my first kiss went from G to PG-13/R with a quickness. After it was over, I was emotionally perturbed and anxious about the not-so-romantic way in which everything had occurred, and things were compounded the next morning, when I found out that we were in fact not alone in the living room…and that the witness to my shenanigans? Was a 15 year old boy (someone’s little brother had tagged along…so appropriate). While I’m certainly somewhat of an exhibitionist now, I certainly wasn’t back then, and I still get queasy about the fact that a strange child was 10 feet away at the very beginning of my deflowering process.

My first FWB.
He was a decade older than me. He was an ex-coworker’s ex boyfriend, which was kind of sticky in and of itself. And, I found out later, he was dating other people the entire time we were hooking up. Um, I’d like to at least actively consent to being the side ho, thank you very much.

That time I sobbed during sex.
This was less than a year ago. I was visiting my family for a week for Thanksgiving, which was stressful in and of itself. And I was majorly bummed about being separated from my boo (trust me, I felt sufficiently embarrassed/ashamed/pathetic). So we were having goodbye nookie, and I couldn’t hold it together and started bawling. One of those extremely ugly, but super cathartic cries. While he was still inside me. I feel like I’m often teetering on the brink of sanity, but that moment…I was feeling very girl, interrupted.

That summer I had an online fling with a dude from Craigslist.
I had moved to Washington, D.C. for a summer internship. It was towards the end of the summer and all of my friends were gone, and I was extremely lonely. Naturally, I turned to Craigslist, and really did had every intention of keeping things platonic with anyone I chatted with (my naivete is absolutely stunning at times, I swear). This guy emailed me, and he seemed totally normal at first…until he started talking about erotic asphyxiation. Yes, he got aroused by the thought of being choked and choking women. I was morbidly intrigued, and for several weeks, we sexted. Luckily, I always rebuffed his invitations to meet in real life, and I’m comforted by the fact that I never told him my last name, but I admit, I was a hot, vulnerable mess for awhile and that really could have gotten me into trouble.

Am I going to regret not writing this anonymously? It’s very possible. But I’m a huge proponent of talking about sex comprehensively – the good stuff, the bad, the scary, the erotic, the complicated…and the humiliating.

Ah, dating in college. The highlight of any higher education: from laughing at his jokes in math class to the walk of shame from his frat house to your dorm. Despite all that romance, if you’re feeling a lull in your romantic life, here are seven creative, cost-effective campus dates to spice things up.

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So what exactly is your definition of hooking up? Could it mean a little bumpin’ and grindin’ followed by a sloppy make-out sesh? Does it mean crawling into a cab with a guy, knowing good and well that you’re going to “get your kicks” (thanks Rizzo from Grease for that one) later that night? Or does it mean bypassing first and getting right to second base?

Since I was given this topic of discussion, I’ve had numerous conversations with friends and one in my Human Sexuality class about how to properly define hooking up. While my friends (guys and girls) define hooking up as anything from kissing to sex, my professor seemed to think hooking up can only mean one thing: doin’ it.

As I continued to contemplate the subject, I decided to hit up the trusty UrbanDictionary.com to find out what the world is thinking. The first comment, with nearly 2,500 “likes,” said, “An incredibly ambiguous phrase that drives me absolutely insane when people use it.” Yep, sounds about right! That got me thinking that people will say it so that it is ambiguous. As in, people will use the word “hookup” so that the person they’re talking to thinks they did more than they actually did. And unless you’re bff with the person discussing their hookup, I highly doubt you’re going to ask, “So by hookup do you mean you sucked face (or something else) or rolled around the sheets together?” …See what I mean?

I am one of those people that defines a hookup as sex, “hitting a home run,” doing the dirty, whatever you may call it. So where do those other possible meanings behind hooking up fit in? See below.

Making out — It is what it is. Kissing, a good ‘ole boob grab here and there and maybe a nice over-the-shorts rub down. Why not describe your kiss-fest as a simple make-out and put our imaginations to rest?

Messing around — Whether you’re getting “handsy” or testing out that Cosmo blow-job tip, messing around means that big leap after making out. Bra dropping to the floor, his sexy Calvin’s flying across the room and suddenly things are really hot and heavy but stop before the big bang.

Hooking up, aka “The Sex” – Go ahead and hang your “Do Not Disturb” sign (or a sock if that’s more your style) on the door handle because this is what I call an official hookup.

It seems this topic has an array of meanings depending on how you prefer to phrase your sexy-time. If you want to see what He Says on the matter, check out COEDMagazine!

What’s your take on hooking up? Do you agree or disagree with me? Let me know!

“You’re the biggest I’ve ever had”
I don’t blame any woman for ever saying this to a man because we beg you to tell us this lie. We need this lie. We poke and prod until you tell us we’re big enough. Call it an emotional hand job. And it’s appreciated. And hopefully he’ll return the favor (with whatever the equivalent is. What is the female equivalent?)

“It was…great, really.”
Again, we’re asking for it. We’re not all sexual dynamos. Or competent. Some of us suck in the sack. Maybe it’s a lack of chemistry or we came too soon, but sometimes we screw up the screwing. And we generally know it. I mean, we have an instinct that we didn’t do it…right (there are some obvious signs and some we choose to be oblivious of). I mean, what are you going to tell us when we’re still naked and sweating? Most polite answer, really. And it’s appreciated. Of course, sometimes this lie is followed by: “I’ve got to go. I’ll call you.”

“I’ll call you.”
We’re not the only ones who use it! Way better than an outright rejection, right? Let them down gently? Tsk, tsk, tsk. We all should practice the Golden Rule a bit more. Of course, this isn’t the only way to blow a guy off…or cover something up.

“I’ve got a friend coming in this weekend.”
You’re cheating on him or just seeing another guy. Or just want to avoid him entirely. I’ve gotten this one. I think every guy I know’s gotten this one and every woman I know has used some form of it. Believe it or not, we’d rather just get the rejection upfront.

“I never drink this much.”
Usually said while drunk. But come on, no one wants to admit they’re an alcoholic the first time they meet someone. That’s not sexy. Duh.

“I’m pregnant.”
I know someone this happened to. She told someone she was pregnant. He found out. Then when he confronted her, she revealed she wasn’t. It’s been used, therefore it is valid on this list

“I’ve never done this before.”
Your pants are on fire.

“I’ve only had sex with, like, 2 guys. Swears.”
In the beginning, we all tend to do some spacey-wacey maneuvering when it comes to the list. There’s the joke that men make their numbers bigger and women make theirs smaller. Of course, if it’s true then is it still a joke?

“I like Chuck and the Wu Tang Clan, too!”
No you don’t. You don’t like anything we do and you pretend that you do. We give the same line to you about other things. I mean, we have to get along somehow, right? But just to warn you, when we find out the truth, that you hate everything we love, it only stirs the awkward sauce.

“Everything’s fine.”
When everything’s fine, no one actually needs to say it.

“I’m a terrible liar.”
No, we just want to believe you so badly it doesn’t matter how good of a liar you are. Especially when it comes to the sex stuff.

There you have it, ladies. 11 lies that all of you combined might have used at some point. Again, we certainly ask you to tell some of them to us. Others…So my big question to you is: how many have you used? It’s okay, I won’t tell. Oh! Another question, which ones have you told that I didn’t list? Come on, don’t hog all the fun.

We’re gonna need a longer list,

The Dude

This list could go on forever. By nature, girls and guys are opposites, and there is an endless list of things we disagree on. I mean, haven’t you ever read the book Men Are From Mars, Women are From Venus? I haven’t either, but I hear it exists. Point is, there are many things that don’t cross the barrier between girls and guys, and we here at College Candy would like to give you a little authority on the basics.

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What do you think? Any more ideas on things we love but guys can’t stand?

Seriously, I can’t keep track of the weekend recaps I’ve heard from my friends who got drunkface and did something with someone that they regret. Whether it’s hooking up with someone inappropriate and disgusting or merely hooking up with someone sooner than expected, alcohol was often the catalyst for Sunday morning woes of despair over brunch. There was recently an article posted on Jezebel that confirmed my suspicions that people often use alcohol as a (wobbly at best) crutch. College culture totally condones drunken sexual shenanigans, and while I don’t want to be all judgmental and conservative, I can’t help but find this trend alarming.

I’m the queen of awkward social interaction, so I totally understand the appeal of drinking until you can’t feel your feelings any more, because it suddenly becomes a lot easier to relate to people. But there’s a difference between having enough drinks to be relaxed, and drinking until you’re making decisions that you don’t even want to associate yourself with. Seeing as how hooking up is intrinsically intimate,  I think it’s something that you should always be capable of consenting to.  The issue of consent is one of extreme importance, because it’s important to be in a state of mind to communicate what you want before miscommunication turns into sexual assault or rape.

On a less heavy note, it’ really doesn’t seem like it’s in anyone’s best interests to consistently engage in behavior they’re ashamed of. It’s not conducive to being happy, and it’s not conducive to feeling pleasure. Sex is complicated and wrought with potential problems, but at the end of the day, sex is supposed to feel good. You shouldn’t feel icky or disgusting. You shouldn’t feel a knot in your stomach. You shouldn’t finish a session and be unable to sleep because you’ve sobered up, realized what you’ve done, and you’re trembling from anxiety and nausea. If you choose to talk about your sexcapades with someone, you shouldn’t use disparaging adjectives to describe how you feel about yourself afterwards. Even if the experience sucked, it should suck because you two were incompatible for whatever reason, not because it wasn’t something you intended or really wanted to do.

I’m not saying that people shouldn’t drink and hookup, or that the only fulfilling life is a sober one. I do think, however, that if you are using anything other than your own desire as an excuse to do something, that’s not okay.

High school, that little local bubble of a world (unless you’re in an out of state school for one reason or another). A lot of couples are practically tied to the hip when graduation comes and then there’s the decision that has to be made: “Do I take the relationship to college with me?”

The answer to this question is no…I think? Usually? It depends, right? I mean if you’re…but on the hand if you’re…Damn you, game of life! How dare you be so on the fence?

There are some key questions to confront (separately and together) when deciding whether to “take a break” from each other to explore the college frontier. For instance, is he going to the same college as you? If the answer is yes, then, well, that makes things…yeah. On the other hand, if you’re going to be on different continents and there’s no possibility of seeing each other for months on end then, well, yeah! You see? Circumstances!

There are a million and a half variables to consider. How long have you been together? Have you dropped the L bomb yet? How far apart will you be? Are you only together because the dating pool at your high school was less ripe than after each year at Sunnydale High (you know, cause all the monsters and vampires would kill off so many students that there must have only been a few options…yeah…GILES!).

Plenty of couples decide to give it the ol’ college try. I can’t think of one that worked out. But that’s just me. I’m sure it must have for someone. However, all my experiences and observations seem to indicate that the high school sweethearts who make it all the way to the college graduation stage-without having broken up at some point-is the BIG exception, not the rule.

I’ve known people who got engaged to keep the relationship together. By junior year, the wedding was off. On the other hand, I’ve known couples who’ve given each other space with the full intent of seeing where things stood a year later. When the time came to reconnect they were both standing on different ground.

College is a time for self-discovery. You try new things, meet a lot of new people, and need to be emotionally open to help develop into the next phase of your life.  You really don’t know what’s going to happen. A lifetime of experiences is going to engulf you every, single, year. It’s tough to imagine that’s true but stretch your creative faculties. And still, you don’t know what you’re in for or how much college will affect you.

Being committed when you arrive can be a great source of self-protection and comfort for the adjustment period. But to make the relationship last will take A LOT of work. And I mean WORK! You can’t just go over to each other’s house after school or know you’ll see each other every day in/between/after classes. Are you ready to give your commitment that kind of commitment? It’ll mean sacrificing some of the college experience. Although, one could argue a valid college experience is trying to hold onto a high school relationship…stupid, twisty-turny, timey-wimey life *kicks can down the street*

The best you can do is weigh the pros with the cons. What will the relationship give you and what will it take away from the next step? There’s no question that your high school boyfriend can be a major drain on your college social life. And believe me, developing a college social life is a major part of the experience and contributes to your evolution into adulthood. And the lack thereof will too.

If all’s well and you both want to give it a go, then, hey, why not? You’ll find out soon enough if it won’t hold up. Just beware: the break up will be messier.

On the other hand, if you’re just having a good time right now then a clean break before you start earning credits might be the best possible thing for both of you. Sure, it’ll hurt, but it’ll hurt worse later.

Who knows though, maybe, just maybe, you and your beau could be the one in a million that lasts.

The choice is yours and it’s circumstantial. Take a look around and see where you both are and how deep you’re in.

I’ve given you all the warnings from every perspective I could while not closing the door on any of the possible choices one can make. Now comes my opinion: Take a break. Doesn’t have to be permanent, but you’ll be surprised to find that it might be necessary…

Your orientation leader,

The Dude

1.  The Floormate/Neighbor

Floorcest, as it has been deemed, is the college equivalent of sleeping with a coworker. Not only is it hard to avoid the dude, but you probably have mutual friends, floormates, and neighbors just waiting to call you both out. In rare cases it does work out (two of my neighbors have been dating for months!) but 99% of the time, that one night results in a whole semester or two of awkward.

2. The Clinger

Of course the traditional clinger is female (think Isla Fisher in Wedding Crashers), but occasionally a guy will surprise you with too much unwanted post hookup contact. Sure a few texts here and there can be entertaining, but an immediate Facebook friend request followed by incessant messaging is borderline creepy. Somehow this guy didn’t get the memo about the morning after digit exchange just being a courtesy. [Editor note: and by "digit exchange," we think she means phone number...not round 2.]

3. The Friend

This one is a definite oops. A lot of girls, including myself, have a close platonic male friend. Mutual friends joke you two will end up together (and, hey, maybe you will) but good guys are a rare find so why compromise the friendship.  Well, your buds Captain Morgan and Jack Daniels believe you should carpe diem and convince you otherwise. Needless to say, your friendship became a whole lot of complicated.

4. The Player

You know it’s a bad idea before it happens, but curiosity is a dangerous thing. His GTL regimen and aspiring rap career make him less than boyfriend material (and a bit of a joke), but you have to admit he’s a hottie. What’s the harm in having a little fun? Well for starters, the dude’s a walking health risk (statistically speaking, he’s got to have something). Diseases aside, you’ve given the douche an ego boost and given your friends a free pass to mock you for eternity.

5. The Could’ve Been Boyfriend

A good rule of thumb for college hook-ups, is: go for it if it’s safe and consensual, but don’t expect to find your future boyfriend (recall The Clinger). Many guys are still of the philosophy that THEY can sleep around, but if a girl does, she’s a slut you could never bring home to mom. So you’ve been flirting with Mr. Perfect for a while now, and one night, the stars align and so does his P and your V. The bad news is, you’re probably stuck in that hook-up girl category. There are obviously exceptions to this but it’s usually safe to say you’ve lost your shot.

6. The Novelty

Finally, there’s that guy that makes you go, “Eh, what the hell.” He has some feature that makes him unique (i.e has a sexy accent, plays on the football team etc.) and you rationalize you’ll never get that chance again. I’m all for embracing your sexuality, but if you sleep with every guy with a sexy attribute; you might get yourself some less-than-complimentary nicknames.

I am in the most amazing, secure and satisfying relationship I have ever been in but there is just one so-called “problem”; after nearly a year and a half, neither of us have said, “I love you.”

Now I know what this probably sounds like to some, or possibly even most, of you. (Believe me, I see it in the facial expressions of concerned friends and hear it in the tone of their strongly worded reactions.) There is obviously a clear issue here, right? Well, actually, I’m not so sure.

Now, to be honest, I would be lying if I didn’t admit that part of me (the part that sometimes, uncontrollably slips into this cliché, fairytale, chick flick inspired way of thinking that all love stories have basically 1 of 3 plots) at times wishes one of us would just find the courage to come out and say it already. I mean, it’s been long enough! And the pressure from friends and family who act like this is the biggest thing in the world to be concerned about, only adds fuel to this flame.

However, my usual, more sane, more rational and level-headed reaction to all of this is, “Who really cares?” Is actually saying that phrase really as significant or necessary as everyone our age makes it out to be? I mean, isn’t it true that actions should speak louder than words?

We are currently in a world where nearly every word in the “relationship dictionary” is rapidly being redefined. Take the word, meaning and supposed “sacredness” of marriage, for instance. It’s being entirely altered by things like the exceptionally high divorce rate (and the never ending publicity about celebrity divorces and adultery in the press). Or what about the many different names have we come up with in the last decade to define the new, modern, complicated relationships that keep arising: open relationship, no strings attached, friends with benefits, just hooking up… the list continues. Who even knows what the proper meaning and context of monogamy and love is these days.

It seems silly that no one would take a step back from all this to take the time to redefine the word love in its modern sense. I mean, I don’t think it’s necessarily unreasonable to think that with everything that’s going on in today’s world it’s practically inevitable that the word and definition of love is taking on a very different meaning as well. But it doesn’t seem people view it that way. It is still constantly being used, seen and heard by everyone, everywhere: in the songs on the radio, on television, in movies, and in real life, of course. I find it troubling when everyone throws the “L-word” out there so quickly and carelessly in their relationships; it makes it hard to take the word seriously anymore.

I think young people need to wake up and realize we’re not in high school anymore. Love should no longer mean the same trivial thing as it did then, a time when I too used the word so frequently and freely in all my silly little relationships. I’m no longer calling my boyfriend at all hours of the night, trying to convince him to sneak out to be with me or sending him passive aggressive texts about his rude and standoffish behavior. Instead, there is respect, trust, mutual understanding. It is obvious that we care a great deal about each other. I’m not sure I’m ready, or that it is necessary, to use the word love so loosely as I have in the past. I don’t need it in order to feel closer to him or to try and make our relationship stronger or more serious. I am completely satisfied with where we are in all those areas. So, if it is as monumental of a word as everyone makes out to be, then I don’t think it’s wrong to assume that choosing to wait a long time in order to exchange these precious words with your significant other—choosing to not make that substantial of a promise and commitment so quickly and easily—may not be such a bad thing. Perhaps it could even be considered advisable to some.

So help try and clarify something for me here; I must be missing something. Does using and exchanging this phrase help to somehow legitimize the relationship to both the participating members and its observers? And if so, why? Should that really be the case?