Hey Dude,

I’ve done the Friends With Benefits thing, and, to say the least, I’m not cut out for it.  Now I have this amazing guy in my life who I consider my best friend, but I’m confused over how I’m supposed to know if he likes me as in a relationship sense or if he just wants to sleep with me.

He texts me quite often, even if just to say hi or to see what I’m up to, or make sure I’m feeling better when I’m sick.  We’ve gone out before with mutual friends and had a blast.  We’re both more of homebodies, so he comes over to my place now regularly and we hang out.  We’ve made out, but I end it before it goes any further because I don’t want the Friends With Benefits thing to happen.

So, how do I know?!

Thanks,
Confused

Hey Hey Confused,

Tricky situation, but let me Nancy Drew this mystery and break down the facts. First off, the guy wouldn’t text you or care if you’re sick if he just wants to sleep with you. Although texting might seem like a cop-out, in this day and age it’s a perfect vehicle for chatting someone up. Who even uses AIM anymore? Remember those days?

Secondly, it’s really great that you’re not putting out right away. Props. Not only are you protecting yourself and your feelings, but that also proves that he wants something more if he’s sticking around. This has clearly been running it’s course for a while; if he just wanted to get laid he’d have gotten frustrated and given up a long time ago. Guys are simple that way. Sure, we’ll pursue something that we can’t have, but if we’re just looking for a quick lay, there’s not a chance that we’ll text incessantly and baby you if you’re sick.

That sounds like he wants girlfriend material, not a few humps in a twin extra long. And throw a few bonus points to the relationship column if he’s hanging out with you and your friends.

No need to be confused, Confused. It sounds like homeboy is just a bit shy. Maybe you should help him step it up a notch and move the hang-out sessions to your favorite sushi spot instead of your dorm room futon. Or, if he’s not into the whole raw fish thing, you could just have “the talk.” I’m pretty confident he’s feeling the same way you are.

Hope that helps!

– El Dude

[Got a question for Mr. Dude? (And, no, that doesn't include asking him out; homeboy is taken!) Ask it: askthedude@collegecandy.com. He won't sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. He'll be 100% real dude, 100% of the time. So bring it on, ladies.]

Question for our dear friend Tuffinski?! Email her at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com and just maybs, just maybs, get a response.

Dear Tuffy Love,

I have a major crush on my RA. I know it’s wrong and the chances of something happening are almost zero, but I can’t seem to get rid of these feelings. He is super hot and funny and sweet and sooo cool. The problem is (other than the fact that he’s my RA) that he’s a senior and I’m only a freshman. I don’t know what to do. I’m torn between acting on my feelings and pretending they don’t exist.

I have a huge fear of rejection and I’m afraid of getting hurt and awkwardness. But it’s come to the point where I want to do something. I want to know if he feels the same way even a little. But I don’t even know how to go about approaching him about it. What if he doesn’t feel the same way? He does seem to give me preferential treatment over the other residents, but that could mean nothing. Help!

-Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

Tuffy feels for you. You know, once upon a time Aunt Tuffy was a shy little freshman with tender feelings too.

Wait, no I wasn’t. But I had some friends like that. So here goes.

So let’s say, as a freshman, you’re 18. He, as a senior, is maybe 21. No big deal. Age is so not a factor here. Maybe maturity, but maybe not.

Girl, you gotta get over that “fear of rejection.” No one likes being rejected. It’s not pleasant. But it’s far from the worst thing in the world.

Make a list for yourself: What are the worst possible scenarios that could come out of asking him to go see a movie? Tuffy bets they’re pretty minor. Okay, so maybe you’re embarrassed for a week. So what? Someone’s got to make the first move! Guys ask girls out all the time. You gotta allow yourself to have that same courage.

I would strongly advice AGAINST, however, asking him if he likes you, or anything like that. And for osh kosh b’gosh sake, don’t try to immediately make him your boyfriend. That, for sure, will get you shot down. Instead, why not say, “Hey, [name of hot RA], you wanna go grab dinner?” Or maybe, “Hey, [name of hot RA], I remember you said you liked [something he likes]–I heard there’s [event having to do with what he likes that you researched to find out about]; wanna go with me?”

Be cool and he will think you’re cool. Seriously. Just have confidence–aren’t you cool? Aren’t you fun? Aren’t you good at things? Then why is it silly to think he might want to get to know you better?

Your fear of rejection is stupid and will make you miss out on some great things if you don’t banish it now. Sorry, girl–rejection isn’t a fear that some people have, it’s a reality that everyone has to face. So face it and go make a date with your hot RA!

Best of luck!

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Hey Dude,
I’m a junior in college and last year I started dating one of the most amazing guys ever. He and I have been together for over 6 months now. Last month I told him that I loved him, because I do. I am absolutely in love with him.  His response? “Thank you. That was very brave of you.”

It’s been a month now, and he still hasn’t told me that he loves me, yet he’ll say it with complete ease to his male housemates, as some sort of parting phrase.  How can he say it so easily to them, and not be able to say it to me? Will he ever say it? Or am I just wasting my time on a man who can’t bring himself to
love me?

All the best,
Waiting

Dear Waiting,

Your boyfriend is certainly right about one thing: it is really brave to be the first person to say “I love you” in a relationship. Despite this being a very trusting gesture on your part, not everyone finds this kind of trust and bravery as easily when dating. Although there are a variety of reasons why your boyfriend hasn’t said those three magic words yet (a rocky childhood, a previously broken heart or not enough exposure to chick flicks at a young age), there is one important secret to every good relationship: communication.

Yes, you have successfully communicated your current feelings, but unfortunately, your boyfriend might take a lot more work, patience and time in order to feel more comfortable. Try to step back, assess the kind of person that he is, and if you feel that he’s mature enough to discuss this with you (which is the best case scenario), bring it to his attention. Address the issue gently, don’t push the point, and approach it with the goal of simply figuring out his thoughts on the situation. For example, is it ok with him that you said this? Does it make him uncomfortable if you continue to say it?

But whatever you do, do not go into the conversation with an end desire in mind or final ultimatum in place (because who wants a disingenuous reflex as the first utterance of I.L.Y?).

However, if your boyfriend is unable to talk this over (or if you can’t even approach him on the matter), it might be time to reevaluate if this is really the guy for you. A relationship is built on mutual trust, communication and continued compromise, and no amount of “I love you’s” can make up for that.

Good luck. Be brave. Talk it out.

–Dude

[Got a question for El Dude? (And, no, that doesn't include asking him out; homeboy is taken!) Ask it: askthedude@collegecandy.com. He won't sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. He'll be 100% real dude, 100% of the time. So bring it on, ladies.]

We all have those days when the last thing we want in and around our mouth is our boyfriend’s Little General. Let’s be honest, sometimes the art of fellatio can be quite a chore. But denying our man what he most wants doesn’t come without guilt. While flat out rejection seems like cruel and unusual punishment, there are some foolproof excuses that will lessen the blow of the job-not done.

“I think I’m allergic to your sperm.”
Yes, that is possible. And unless he want’s to explain to the nurse at the health center exactly why your mouth is swollen to the size of a grapefruit, he better let you off the hook this time.

“It’s not me! It’s the curse of the lockjaw!”
A stiff jaw does not a good BJ make. The attack of the lockjaw is just as painful for him as it is for you. Especially if you catch a little skin in the midst of the untimely episode. The thought of a bleeding dick may turn him off to the idea altogether, and if it doesn’t, the thought of calling EMS to remove you from his man-bits might do the trick.

“Sorry, but my gag reflex is super sensitive today.”
There is no such thing as erotic vomiting. You may have loved that romantic dinner you two just enjoyed, but no one will be smiling when you see it for a second time. On his stomach. End of story.

“I have a cold and can’t breathe through my nose. I could die!”
Unless asphyxiation turns him on, this is an undeniable excuse. No one wants the headline of their obituary to read “Girl Loses Life Going Down on Boyfriend.” Remind him that you’ll be the shame of your family and it will be all his fault. And your dad owns a big ol’ gun. That should do it.

“Okay, but I spit.”
That one will work. Trust.

Email your pressing questions to TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com for the chance to get a pressing answer! You dig?!

Dear Tuffy Luv,

My boyfriend is a racist. Not the kind that’s making racist remarks all the time, but he says things that I think are racist and then he says they’re just a joke. But it makes me really uncomfortable because it makes me feel like I’m a racist too because I’m not stopping him.

Should I keep dating my boyfriend? We’ve been together for a year and otherwise I really love him. He’s a really good guy, but when he says things like that I don’t know what to do.

Carrie

Dear Carrie,

Well, you didn’t give any examples, so it’s hard to say. But here’s what Tuffy thinks:

I know it’s painful, but you gotta sit your guy down and tell him how you feel. Say, “Tommy (can I call your boyfriend Tommy?), Tommy, I don’t like the things you’re saying about [whatever group he's racist in the general direction of]. Where is this coming from?”

He’ll tell you why he feels that way toward whatever group. Hear him out. Let him say his thing. When he finishes (and really, you have GOT to let him say it all out loud), tell him why it upsets you that he says these things. Explain that you don’t think a group can be judged based on a stereotype (or a single example, or whatever it is that he tells you it’s based on) and that he’s welcome to his opinion, but that you can’t be a part of it and that you would appreciate it if he’d abstain from saying it around you.

And that really may be enough. If it’s just a racist joke here or there, and it’s only slightly racist, maybe you’re able to see it as his one bad quality and just forget about it as long as he keeps it to himself.

HOWEVER, this is only if you’re able to stomach his reason and/or are determined to stay with him. If he says something really awful or disgusting about why he’s racist, or even if he just gets defensive, I really do advise you to get the frog out of that relationship. How can you be with a bigot if you aren’t one yourself? His racism shows a complete lack of personal thought (he’s basing his opinions on someone else’s stereotype or perhaps just what he was told growing up) and a complete disregard for the rights and feelings of others. If this is something that bothers you, go find someone who doesn’t hate others for no reason.

Tuffy would get the frog out. But, girl, in the end, it’s no one’s call but your own.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

While signing my life away last year… I mean, my apartment lease… many things crossed my mind:

1)   No more crappy cafeteria food!
2)   Yay for bonding! We’ll be all up in each other’s business all the time.
3)   We’ll have so much in common – we all have boyfriends!

Now this has become two (sorta) truths and a lie. I went from cafeteria food to massive amounts of frozen food shipped from my loving mother. (What can I say? She refused to let me live on Ramen.) And being all up in each other’s business turned out to be more than I bargained for. Think assigned chores, paying rent, and dealing with cockroaches when we moved in (still makes me shudder!). And as you may have already guessed, the boyfriend and I broke up. So that leaves (put your hands up!) a single, independent woman who apparently makes references to Beyonce songs when she talks about herself.

Yes, I’m single and living with three other girls in relationships.

At first it wasn’t such a big deal, but after welcome week ended and classes began, the boyfriends became frequent fixtures in the apartment. Or maybe I just started noticing then because I was no longer intoxicated… But I digress. Soon I started wondering how I’d deal with their constant presence for the rest of the year. Don’t get me wrong – roommate love abounds in our apartment. I look forward to Project Runway marathons and love notes via whiteboard. And we are proud to say that the rapidly expanding empty bottle collection atop the kitchen cabinets will no doubt qualify for the 8^th wonder of the world soon.

But it can get a little frustrating. I can no longer walk around half-dressed while getting ready. I’m not that self-conscious, but having your roommate’s boyfriend right there makes walking around in a towel a bit uncomfortable. And, while I’m definitely not the type of girl to get dolled up every time I’m around some guys, it gets tiresome to have to put on real clothes, brush my hair, and put in the contacts because the boyfs are around (because no matter his relationship status, chances are he has some cute, single friends, right?).

And if I’m playing music and dancing around (not in my underwear like the old days before the boyfriends moved in), I feel compelled to change up my musical selections when the guys arrive since “Party in the USA” apparently doesn’t appeal to the brethren… Who knew?

Being surrounded by couples is a dangerous position to be in. You never know when you’re going to walk in on something “in progress.” In fact, with the overwhelming amount of PDA happening in my living room/kitchen, it’s impossible not to. There is love and kisses and foot rubbing (ew, seriously?) happening everywhere I turn.

But ultimately, my one complaint and biggest pet peeve about my current sitch comes back to the ladies themselves. There is always the ever-present dilemma of who to hang out with: boyfriends, friends/roommates, or both? And somehow I always end up losing out. I distinctly remember being there for these girls while they were lonely and longing for a boy. I recall trying to decipher his ambiguous text messages when they first started dating. And I am now trying to cope with the fact that the next time we will spend real quality time (sans the men) together is when they’re blowing their noses into my shoulder while telling me what a good friend I am because I’m driving us on an emergency ice cream run at 2am the night they get dumped.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m happy that they’re happy. And I’m also quite happy in my current single-dom. And there are even some bright spots to all this: since my roommates are with their bfs pretty consistently, I can bring friends back to the apartment at wee hours of the morning without worrying about waking anyone up. And since my roommates are way past the dating scene, they always enjoy hearing my exciting, hilarious, or terrible dating escapades.

But I miss my single friends. I miss hearing their stories. I miss having spontaneous impromptu late-night parties with the new dudes we meet at a party. I miss the girls-only morning-after recaps.

The only thing I’m not really missing is my own boyfriend…

[Photo courtesy of moviecritic.com]

Dear Dude,

So I met this guy. We hung out for about a week before he kissed me. It escalated from there and I ended up spending the night at his house. I didn’t sleep with him, but I did mess around with him. He was really sweet and in the morning he asked me what I thought we were and where I wanted this to go. I shrugged and asked him what he wanted. He said ” I don’t want to put a title on things yet. I’m going to see hot girls, and you’re going to see hot guys.” I told him that we could just let things figure themselves out.

The thing is, I’ve been the ‘booty call girl’ before and I always seem to get hurt. I don’t want to scare him off because I don’t want to rope him into a relationship at the moment, I just want to know that there is a chance it could turn to something more serious. Am I wasting my time on this, or should I let things play out?

Your advice is greatly appreciated!
–Confused Collegiate

Dear Confused Collegiate,

You are wasting your time. If he wanted you, it wouldn’t matter if there were other hot girls. Hell, it wouldn’t matter if Heidi Klum walked by.

But I think deep down you know this.
You can and will find someone better.

– Dude

[Got a question for El Dude? Ask it: askthedude@collegecandy.com. He won't sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. He'll be 100% real dude, 100% of the time. So bring it on, ladies.]

I’m gonna make a bold statement right now:

I got some serious game.

I know that sounds incredibly cocky, but it’s actually quite the opposite. You see, until about two years ago I was the girl who sat on the sidelines and watched as all my friends flirted with and won over the very boys I wanted for myself. I was essentially the hook-up water boy, holding everyone’s cocktails when they went to the bathroom and checking to make sure no one had anything in their teeth.  I accepted my role and went on with my life thinking I wasn’t pretty or skinny or perfect enough to be seen as anything more than the girl best friend.

But then something happened. I had a one-night stand with a boy who everyone wanted and – like that – everything changed. I started walking with a little swagger in my step, approaching anyone and everyone I wanted and suddenly I had developed my game winning moves.

I’m not kidding, if there were a Hall-of-Fame for pick-up lines, I’d be its first inductee.

So, after luring in my own men and playing professional wingman to all of my friends (I advise them on making a move and they pay me back with vodka-on-the-rocks), someone who has benefited from my work countless times finally convinced me to share my secrets with the world. If you can master these few little tips, you can win over any guy, any time.

[Now, just so you know, playing the game isn't just for ladies looking for some late night nookie. It's for those of you crushing on a guy and looking for something longer term, too.]

To begin with, I just want to say that no one is going to fall in love with you if you don’t show them there’s something to love. And I’m not talking about your nipples, honey. I’m talking about your confidence. If you sit back or do the wallflower thing, you will not lure in the hottie from Chem. But if you do whatever it is you do that makes you feel really good/hot/confident (for me it’s black eyeliner, straight hair and a great pair of jeans) and approach a guy with ease, he will be like putty in your hands.

Yeah, you have to approach him. Or you could wait for him to notice you in your group of 12 friends, think of a way to bust open the circle you guys are standing in and come up with something to say to  you. Seriously, just think of something witty and walk over there.

Ok, so you’re standing next to him. Now what do you say?
I have a few tried-and-true lines that get the conversation flowing every. single. time.

- “Whatcha drinkin?” – Easiest line in the book. (Hm, maybe I should write a book!) He’ll tell you, he’ll ask you what you’re drinking, you’ll start some conversation about how the bar always waters down their drinks, soon your drinks will be empty and he’ll be buying you a new one. Boom.

- [Squeeze in next to him at the bar while you battle for drinks] “I think we should work together. How about you try and lure the girl bartender and I’ll use my cleavage to try and get the dude.” Not only are you being cute and openly flirty, but you got him to notice your sex appeal without really asking for it. Plus, teamwork always fosters flirtation and witty banter will follow. I promise you that.

- Bring up something relevant. So, if he’s standing against the wall at a party, say something cute like, “You know the party is more fun if you actually talk to people.” If he’s on the dance floor gettin’ his groove on, compliment his moves. If you run into him at the party store, comment on what he’s buying and ask him where the party’s at. Yes, it all seems cheesy, but these lines get the convo started without making you look dumb/desperate/cliche.

And that is that. All you need is a little self-love, a few witty lines (which, by the way, I use over and over again. The guys won’t know how many times you’ve tried them before!) and you’re good to go. Once you try these out a few times you’ll see how easy picking up a guy can be.

Just don’t spit this game in any bar or party I frequent. That’s my territory, ladies.

What is he thinking?!

Got a little question for Tuffy Luv? She’s got a little answer for you! Email questions to TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com for a chance to be featured in the Tuffster’s column.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

So, I have a cozy, late-night nookie friend.

We’re not overly compatible in the sobering light of day, and we’re both unusually insecure, so the unspoken rule seems to be every couple of weeks or more. Emails are sporadic and sweet, for reasons that any of you who’ve ever binged on ice cream before or heard the chorus of the Elliott Smith song “Ballad of Big Nothing” will know.

I disappeared this summer, so falling back into a routine feels like navigating the bumpy straits of first acquaintance all over again. We’ve only seen each other three times this fall, but a few weeks ago, maybe moved by birthday drinks or the card that I sent him, he sent me an email telling me to barge in whenever I felt like it.

Yesterday I favorited three of his photos on flickr after he sent me a link to them (I don’t do much favoriting or flickring), did some back-and-forthing on gmail (felt reminiscent of my lame puppy crush days), and took off on my bike for his house after he invited me to come over and continue the conversation in person. I didn’t send him any kind of confirmation message, figuring it would be a nicer surprise just to show up.

All his lights were on, but he wasn’t there.

Asleep? Passed out? Gone for a walk? I called and left a short, gloomy message lacking in the appropriate nonchalance. Then I went home.

Now I just feel kind of embarrassed. Should I be?

Yours,
Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Tuffy can’t help but be moved by the eloquence and odd self-referentialism of your letter. So, let’s do this.

Quickly, to get it out of the way: No, I don’t think you should be embarrassed. He invited you over. You showed up (albeit, unannounced). He wasn’t prepared. (Perhaps, as you say, he was asleep? Or maybe he was just nakey or something and was too flustered to get it together to come greet you at the door.) I think this was just a minor mis-communication. Sometimes surprises don’t work out that well. No big deal.

I also don’t think you should be embarrassed by the overly-enthusiastic message you say you left. He’s probably, in fact, already called you back at the time of this posting. If not, perhaps he was just too shy to return it.

Which brings me to what I actually want to say about your letter. I’m mostly worried about the idea that the two of you are “both unusually insecure.” Because, you know, that’s actually exactly what’s holding you back.

For those of you who do not have access to either the CollegeCandy Tuffy Luv email or Rachel’s computer, the subject of the email was: “overthinking my friendship with benefits?” To that end, girl, yes, you are. At least the way things are going now. You hook up every couple of weeks and that’s that.

But!

You seem to actually like each other (birthday cards, sweet emails, Flickr favoriting or whatever you crazy kids are doing these days), so I don’t see why you aren’t dating. You both seem to be clumsily attempting to move into that space, but both of your insecurities are getting in the way. It’s like college-age Woody Allens trying to date each other. And you seem like such a cool girl, so I hate to see that go down.

Unfortch, there’s no magic potion for getting over being insecure. Except, you know, getting older and ceasing to worry that people are judging you. Because usually they’re too busy judging themselves. And if they are judging you, chances are they’re too miserable to really matter.

So: cut that shiz out!!! Get over yourself and call him up and propose a hangout. If it doesn’t work out, whatever – it’s not like you’ll be losing some great friendship. But if it does work out, well, wouldn’t that be nice?

Best, Rach!

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

See ya later, Single Status!

It’s weird how it happens. One day you’re screaming “THIS IS MY SONG!” every time “Single Ladies” comes on at the bar, and the next…well, you’re doing the same thing, but it’s not actually true. After just over two years of being the most single person on the planet, I actually took the dive. It happened really unexpectedly with a cute acquaintance I have known for years. We started talking a little more, and things took off out of nowhere.

I used to want to jack people in the face when they said, “When you stop looking for a boyfriend, you’ll get one.” And even though that is exactly what happened, that’s still really annoying advice. I think I hate it largely because it takes the situation out of your hands; as if you have to be in some sort of cosmic state of perfect personal balance just to get a damn date. I think a better way to phrase the advice is this:

Beating yourself up over not having a boyfriend or becoming depressed that “there’s no one out there” isn’t going to make your perfect mate appear out of thin are. There are times when 5 guys ask you out in a week, and there are times when your only male interaction for months is with your Environmental Science professor (hopefully not the wrong kind of interaction…). You can control your love life, but only to a certain extent. You don’t completely control who you meet, when you meet them, or (even as much as we try) how they feel about you.

I think what these crappy advice givers mean to say is if you can be happy without a boyfriend, you won’t turn your love life into the biggest stress-sesh since applying to grad school. Hello, school is pressure, work is pressure, your parents are pressure…dating shouldn’t be. It’s not going into your GPA, so live a little. There are perks to being single, and there are perks to being coupled, so exploit what you have. Learning to enjoy your status no matter what it may be is the biggest breakthrough for women since the water bra; both help you work with what you’ve got.

While I do really dig my guy, I’m going to admit it: I already miss being single. My single friends glare at me when I say this, but I mean it. Look, just one week after finally taking the plunge into exclusivity, I met a super hot grad student from NYU while I was out (I’m pretty sure the relationship Gods were testing me). I couldn’t give him my number. It was more traumatizing for me than when my first goldfish died. So the next time you’re blubbering about flying solo, just remember; you get to mack on anyone and everyone, and you don’t have to shave your legs everyday. Love the perks while you can!

[Since Dannia went and got herself a man, we're lookin' for a new Single Lady. If you know someone who's living up the single life, have her send an email to editor@collegecandy.com. We want to share her experiences with the world.]