Casual sex is…well, rarely casual. More times than not it ends with frustration, regret and overuse of the word ‘asshole.’ And let’s be honest, the pissed-at-the-world scale generally tips towards the ladies. How is it that men appear more successful at ‘handling’ their casual relationships?

While some may argue that men have an easier time separating sex and emotion, I don’t believe that is the defining attribute. I think men are just better at picking their casual partners. When a guy says, “Oh, I would never be serious with this girl,” it’s because he means it. He doesn’t get emotional or attached because he chooses a girl he would never get attached to. Is casual sex possible for women? Absolutely. But if we want to enter the same playing field, we have to play by the same rules. Ladies, I give you the 10 Commandments of Casual Sex.

Let me be clear, this is not the 10 Commandments of Dating, and it is definitely not the 10 Commandments of Making Your Hook Up Buddy Your Boyfriend. If you allow yourself to enter a ‘casual relationship’ with the underlying motive to make it something more, 9 times out of 10 you will be disappointed with the outcome.

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Occasionally, despite my generally laissez-faire, non-judgmental attitude towards sex, there are a few things that perturb me. Rape, of course. Slut shaming. Abstinence-only sex education. And ignorance about contraception. One of the most disturbing manifestations of this that I’ve encountered are ladies who take the pill and have absolutely no idea what they’re putting into their bodies and how it works. Maybe it’s because the pill has become so normalized and routine, like popping Advil, so the complexity of it isn’t apparent, but I definitely feel that once you start playing with the hormones in your body, you need to know what’s up.

1. The pill tries to keep you free of pregnancy in four different ways.

It tries to stop an egg from leaving your ovary. Then, it makes your cervix produce more mucus so neither an egg or sperm can stick. The hormones also prevent the lining of your uterus (or potential womb) from getting thick enough for a fertilized egg to be viable. Finally, the pill manipulates the movement in your Fallopian tubes to prevent an egg from meeting a sperm in the first place. So, it’s a pretty complicated process, and every once in awhile, the pill fails to execute it properly, which is why most of us know, or know of, someone who has gotten pregnant while on the pill.

2. It loses effectiveness if you don’t take it at the same time every day.

One of the reasons the Pill is so popular is because it doesn’t affect your fertility in the long run, which means that if you’re not diligent about taking your pill daily, it does start losing its pregnancy protection magic. So pick a time that is most convenient for you, set an alarm on your cell, and pop it on the regular. If you do miss a pill, here are the guidelines for how to get back on track.

3. Your side effects aren’t going to be the same as your friend’s side effects.

Everyone’s body reacts differently to changes in the hormonal structure. Your skin may clear up while your friend’s looks like she just went back in time to 7th grade, or you may experience consistent spotting while someone else’s periods become non-existent. It’s perfectly normal to have to go through multiple pills to find one that best suits your body and your needs.

4. The pill does not protect against STDs. 

I would never deny that the pill has been a major game changer for women, especially in the way that we are able to have agency over our reproductive choices, and we don’t have to rely on men using condoms in order to stay baby-free. However, if you are getting it in with someone new, and you have no idea what their STD status is, please use a condom (correctly).

5. Your birth control shouldn’t make you miserable. 

Whether your appetite has been out of control and you’ve been gaining a bunch of weight, or your cramps are unbearable, or you’re spotting a lot in between periods, you don’t have to endure it. If your body hasn’t adjusted after 3 months, it’s time to look into a different option. Whether it’s another pill or an IUD or a Nuvaring, your contraception should not make your daily life uncomfortable at all.

[Image via Calek/Shutterstock]

Hi there, Dude!

First of all, your answer to the girl who found porn on her boyfriend’s computer was absolutely outstanding. I found out about my boyfriend’s porn a year into our beautiful relationship. I too was crushed, for I also felt as if I were “not good enough”. My boyfriend tried to explain to me that it had nothing to do with me, and of course… feeling a bit insecure, I overreacted. It took me a while, and a bunch of “Googling” to find out that guys are just complete wankers– and I am now glad to accept that fact.
I just have one underlying question and I don’t know who to ask. Here goes:

I still feel a little bit bummed about the discovery of my boyfriend’s porn for it’s not just any porn. It’s porn with Asian girls or animated Asian girls (not the crazy, female-degrading hentai though). Dude, I’m not an Asian female. Yes I have the light skin and dark hair, but I look nothing like them. I guess I feel bummed because he seems to have an “ideal” kind of girl that I feel I cannot compare to. Doesn’t that mean that sleeping with me or wanking off to the image of me is not as fulfilling as it is when he’s looking at Asian girls? I’m probably over-thinking this whole situation but can you blame me? I live in a society full of factors that could make any girl think the way she does about herself. I just used to feel so beautiful and perfect in his arms, and I do not feel that way so much any more. I love him very much and we look forward to a great future together. I just don’t want to give up on this relationship because of my silly feelings.

I’d also like to say that I have spoken to him about how I feel and he told me that he only masturbates to Asians because they are “cleaner-looking” and don’t act like wild and crazy white girls when having sex. He did tell me once before that he didn’t need to look at his porn because he had me, which did make me feel a wee bit better until I woke up once in the middle of the night to catch him masturbating to his porn. Yeah, so I was crushed even more. What can I do from here?

Always,
Feeling a bit hopeless

Dear Feeling a bit hopeless,

Thanks for the kind critique for one of my all-time favorite “Ask A Dude’s.” I’ve been hoping for a follow-up question and yours couldn’t be more perfect.
Men will OFTEN wank (great word) off to porn featuring types of women that they aren’t dating. Porn is fantasy. To men, porn is a beautiful love story…with the boring parts taken out! (RIP Richard Jenni!) For him to be wanking it to Asian women is not a reflection about how attracted to you he is or isn’t, it’s just that when we settle down, we generally say goodbye to the possibilities of living out certain fantasies and this is one of those for him.

Plus, if all he did was get off to women exactly you’re type then that could have a bit of a numbing effect on his libido. Men are creatures who love variety. Hell, don’t all of us considered people with sexual appetites love variety? Without different tastes and different moods for different kinds of kinks, sex would become pretty damn routine. In some ways, he’s keeping his sexual palette refined…okay, even to me that one sounds like BS, but you see what I’m getting at.

The ideal type for guys changes over time. As we grow and evolve as people, so do our fantasies. And believe it or not, not always do we end up falling in love and spending years of our lives committed to someone who fits our “ideal type”. Because you can’t have your feelings dependent on a checklist of “ideal mate” qualities that you carry around in your purse. That’s not how life works. So, of course, when given a chance to indulge in a fantasy, you end up falling back on an old type or discovering a new type.
Now, what bugs me about his explanation is his argument that Asian porn is cleaner than American porn. Have you seen some of it? That’s a whole kind of personal preference rationale that I’m not sure I personally agree with. I think you can find “dirty” hardcore stuff no matter the niche you’re into at the moment. I think he’s just got a thing for Asian porn and was trying to make up some reason. Bygones.

It’s good that you talked to him about it. Bad he lied and got caught lying. Although, he might have totally sincere with you when he said he didn’t need porn because he had you. A lot of guys have an attachment to porn. It’s a bit of an addiction, like cigarettes or chocolate or Chuck (WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME!!!!) and, we might try to make a clean break of the habit but then relapse after a while. Not that I’m speaking from any kind of experience…

In this dude’s opinion, you don’t need to get worked up over this. Often times in life we have to re-accept things about ourselves and our partners. It sounds like you’ve got a really nice relationship and you sound like you’re headed for a future. Don’t let a minor sexual quirk impede on your ability to have that perspective. Now, if he starts going to discount Asian massage parlors, okay I’d be worried. Short of that, talk to him if you need a little reassurance or have some concerns. Hell, offer to watch it with him one time and see where that takes you. Porn is wish-fulfillment and you already fulfill a lot his wishes.

Godspeed Chuck Bartowski,
The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

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It’s a common comment made in romantic comedies. The longer you are in a relationship, the less you have sex. Turns out, according to a new study by researches at the University of Guelph in Ontario, women’s decreasing sex drive is to blame.

Yes, over time women lose interest in having sex. Men, on the other hand, don’t. Sarah Murray and Robin Milhausen surveyed 170 undergraduates (men and women) that had been in heterosexual relationships for at least one month. They asked participants to rank their relationship satisfaction, sexual satisfaction and sexual desire at the present point in their relationship. The researchers created a Female Sexual Function Index to rank desire from 1.2 to 6.0.

While most of the participants were satisfied with both their relationships and their sex lives, research showed the longer a women had been in a relationship, the less interest she had in getting it on. Sexual desire on the Index drops by 0.02 points each month. Though it is incremental, for people in long term relationships it does add up. Male sexual desire alternatively, remains steady throughout a relationship.

Researchers haven’t yet nailed the cause for the general decrease in desire among women. Some theories are that women’s attention turns towards raising children, decreasing their interest in sex. As they looked at university students, another theory emerged that younger women lose interest once the “honeymoon phase” of a relationship over. Yes, once a guy stops trying to impress a gal, she’s going to stop putting out.

The researchers hope that this information could help couples from losing the spark. They also found that women with realistic expectations about sex did not face the same decrease in desire.

So there you have it boys! If you want us ladies to keep getting it on with you, you might want to drop the whole “I’m going to blow your mind,” act and be realistic. Also, presents help.

Leah is in her final semester of her Bachelor of Journalism at Ryerson University in Toronto. She’s rounding out her degree as the Senior Online Editor for the Ryerson Review of Journalism. In her limited spare time she’s honing her cupcake making skills so she can one-day fulfill her dream of competing on Cupcake Wars. Follow her (and drool over her tasty treats) @ElleandBee.

[Image via altafulla/Shutterstock]

Cosmo is two for two the past couple months for putting another barely-legal star on the cover. Please tell me it’s not awkward to see Selena Gomez next to the words “Your Orgasm Guaranteed!” I like to pretend Selena doesn’t know what an orgasm is, and I do think Cosmo is naïve if they are expecting that little girls won’t bypass the raunchy cover stories just to get their hands on some more Selena memorabilia. But besides 12 year olds learning how to have their best orgasm, readers can also hope to discover “Why Guys Love It When You Bite Your Lip,” the “3 Things He Doesn’t Have to Know” and the moment I literally laughed out loud, “The Butt Facial: Yeah, We Know, But It’ll Make Yours Silky Smooth” – so if you’re keeping score, put another tally in the “unnecessary grooming” category.

After flipping past what seemed like 50 pages of ads, I stumbled across an article called, “Letting Him Take The Lead.” I’m not a feminist, I’m not even close to being a feminist, but this just irks me. The article insists that guys are wired to want to protect their loved ones. Trust me, I’m on board for a little masculine protection, but when I’m consciously letting him “take the lead” to “feel more like a man,” I think that’s crossing a line. Cosmo’s tip: Let him fight for your vodka soda. My tip: Get the vodka soda yourself; make him want to protect you, not run your errands. Is ordering a drink really all that terrifying?

In a giant section called, “101 Things About Men,” I came to realize that if my guy is a “boobs” guy he is supposed to be more adventurous in bed and “doesn’t judge when it comes to sex.” On the flipside if your man is an “ass man” he’s more likely to be an alpha male because your backside is one of the more primal body parts, because that’s how the rest of the animal kingdom mates? I’m not making this stuff up. And now I’m stuck singing Bloodhound Gang’s “The Bad Touch” in my head. Thanks Cosmo. You and me baby ain’t nothing but mammals…

And for the goods this month? “50 Hot Sex Tips” that sound dangerously close to the hot sex tips they had last month, and the month before, and the month before that!

Cosmo says:  “Coat your tongue with honey, and take a sip of hot tea or water. Then go down on him until the honey dissolves. This creates a warm, velvety sensation that he’ll never forget.”
Molly says: Yeah, I always wanted to be remembered as the girl who gave my guy’s dick third degree burns.

Cosmo says: “Try this kinky trick: Color your nipples with a crazy-colored lipstick, like sparkly purple. Bonus points if it’s yummy. He’ll love the shocking, sexy change in scenery.”
Molly says: Better yet, draw a bull’s-eye on your belly with a sign that says AIM HERE.

Cosmo says: “Go down on him when he’s asleep. He’ll wake up midblow hard than ever and ready to go. This leads to some ridiculously hot nooky.”
Molly says: While I’d love to perform this act on a guy, my biggest thing is like, what if he startles awake and chokes me with his junk, or accidentally slaps me. It’s a reoccurring nightmare, honestly.

Molly is slowly dying inside because she stupidly decided to take on a triple major in English, Journalism and Broadcasting at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. Yes, we have electricity; no I don’t live on a farm. Follow my Midwestern ramblings @mahannah410 on twitter.

Standards. Expectations. Rules. Boundaries. Ideals. We all have a variety of personal principles that we like to use to reject people that show some…interest, in us. There are tons of different excuses we come up with. The question really becomes, which ones are rational and which ones are just batsh*t crazy? Where’s the line between legitimate reasons to tell a guy to go back to the time void and when are we just being ridiculously picky? Coming at this issue from the female side, I present you with 11 of the DUMBEST reasons y’all turn down guys:

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Alright, thus concludes my tirade. Anything remind you of an incident in your life? Am I off base? Did I miss any? We all have our petty reasons to reject someone flat off. Doesn’t make it right. Doesn’t mean we’ll change. We could if we really worked hard enough, but Generation-Y kind of got skipped on the whole work ethic thing…a lot of them anyway. Next time on Dude’s List we’ll flip this coin take it from the boys’ side. Get your latex gloves ready…

On the bubble,

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Remember when you got rejected by some snot-nosed brat named Brad because you had a pimple on your forehead and your mom told you he was an idiot and looks don’t matter. She was lying, partly. Looks matter, whether we like it or not.

This isn’t a fat/thin kind of thing. So take your head out of that dark and periled pit filled with Weeping Angels and Halls of Mirrors. Beauty really is subjective, despite whatever environmental standards may have been implanted on our subconscious. But make no mistake, beauty counts when attracting the beasts and the princes alike. When you interact with someone for the first time what do you do? You look at them. And if you don’t like what you’re looking at, things are a bit more uphill from there, aren’t they?

This is a common sense article. Do you give guys a second look if what you see isn’t appealing? Don’t pretend you don’t judge some books by their covers. Everyone does! And that’s okay. It’s natural. “Shiny, good!” We all f*cking do it. No reason to be hypocritical and claim to be immune to such primal determining of potential mates.

When did people suddenly get on this, “only what’s inside a person matters” bullcrap? Don’t dare try to pass off that how you dress, how you get your hair cut, what style you envelope yourself into — hell even what kind of glasses you wear — don’t matter to you. You make choices. You pick. Or you decide not to, because that “don’t care” look is your statement. Oh, it’s all a bit persona reflecting the person. In class, job interviews, with your family, a million different set of circumstances that you make choices to look differently for. Why? Because how you look matters!

And you better believe it does when it comes to sex and love. Regardless if you’ve been together with someone for 2 years, 5 years or 20 years, how you look STILL matters. I mean, let’s be frank. Sometimes part of the thing that distances couples is the fact that they lose their attraction to each other. How does that happen? It’s not JUST — notice the qualification — because you feel like the other person is acting differently, they’re probably looking differently.Less appealing somehow and less stimulating. It takes work and it’s an effort BOTH partners need to make. We have a responsibility to our relationships to keep the spark alive and that requires some calculated or spontaneous changes to our looks.

Hell, we’re all going to evolve our styles and our looks anyway. Aging will dictate the changes we will need to make and help us be motivated to make them. Just to feel better if for no other reason. Because the point, ladies, is not simply “you need to look attractive for him,” it’s that how you look matters more to YOU. Own it!

If you don’t think you look good, no one else is going to. You’ve got to find that happy comfort in your body and in that comfort is your inner hotness that will radiate outward, for all to see.

The vagina. It has more nicknames than just about any other body part, and when you say it out loud there are some people who will still look at you like you’re insane. I once had a health teacher who made the entire class yell “penis” and “vagina” to break the ice before we started our sex ed unit. Say it with me everybody, vagina!

In the spirit of that teacher, I’ve put together some crazy facts about the vagina. We already brought you ten facts this summer, so here are ten MORE things you probably didn’t know about your special lady parts.

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Garnet is a student at Columbia University in New York City. When she’s not dancing or writing, she can be found exploring the city, and let’s be honest, spending way too much time on the internet. Follow her @garnethenderson.

Our society’s discourse on sex in incredibly reckless.

From an American perspective, the rhetoric is either, “Sex is awesome, and if you’re not having it, your life fails to have any meaning” or “If you’re having sex, you’re a dirty heathen who deserves to burn in eternal damnation.” This is so dysfunctional, and I really feel it does more harm than good. Many of my columns have taken a very actively sex-positive slant, encouraging safe, consensual, fun, enjoyable sex — which of course I will forever support. However, sometimes I think it’s far more interesting to think about the reasons people abstain from sex.

As I’ve mentioned before, I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 22, almost a year after I graduated from college. Many of my friends also remained virgins throughout their entire college tenure. None of us were prudes – we all enjoyed steamy makeout sessions and poor lapses in judgment just like our friends who were fully indulging in coitus. None of us were remotely religious, and we didn’t engage in slut shaming. There were definitely times in my college experience where, had I chosen to, I could have just done it and crossed “losing my virginity” off the list. And yet, I was never comfortable enough to go for it. I didn’t buy into the idea that losing my virginity was supposed to be a supremely remarkable experience, complete with fireworks, rose petals and dubious in-the-moment declarations of love. However, I knew that I wanted it to be with someone I placed a modicum of trust in, and more importantly, I wanted to be confident that I could make it through the experience unscathed and still comfortable with myself – after my first kiss, I was so anxious that I couldn’t even go to sleep that night. I was overwhelmed with nausea, I couldn’t stop shaking and I felt like I had given away a part of myself to someone who didn’t appreciate it. All of that was following only some kissing and boob action, so of course I was extremely hesitant to bring penetration into the mix. That hangup aside, I was pretty content doing almost anything that didn’t involve a P near my V or my A.

By my senior year of college, I was idly starting to worry. I mean, it seemed pretty strange to leave college still clinging to my virginity, and I was kind of concerned that guys in the future would pick up on my lack of experience and think I was damaged goods (no, I wasn’t evolved enough to realize that a guy like that is not someone I should be interested in banging anyway). I’m really glad I didn’t bow to any external or internal pressure to swipe my v-card just to get it over with, but it worries me to think of how many women (and men) end up having sex way before they’re ready just because of some arbitrary social expectation that they should. Yes, sex is a great thing, but it is also incredibly personal. We all (to be totally cheeseball) blossom at different times, and I wish that virginity wasn’t as stigmatized as it is. Some people are pretty content with being virgins while still leading enjoyable, fun, robust lives (intimate and otherwise), so can we put a moratorium on policing other people’s sexy times?

[Image via Kamira/Shutterstock]