Like Katy Perry, and probably many of you, I kissed a girl. And I liked it. More than once.

Most times it was the result of inebriation and the desperate urging of one of my horny guy friends at a party. But regardless how I got there, I’m always surprised by how pleasantly different it feels to kiss a girl than a guy. I guess the whole thing just feels softer and slower, and usually tastes better (like cherry chapstick?). You get smooth, pillowy lips as compared to thin, chapped ones. There’s no stubble. And with girls, tongue action is more equal, as opposed to some guys’ tendency to overpower your mouth.

Lately I’ve been wondering if kissing a girl is so different, what would having sex with a girl be like? The thought has left me awake at night with lots of questions, confusion and curiosity. When it comes to trying out the other team, there’s just so much to consider…

First of all, what does that make me?
I’m very, totally and extremely certain that I’m not gay (just ask one of the guys I’m dating). But I’m definitely not 100% straight if I’m thinking about girls this way, right? Bi-curious would probably be the best term to describe me and that’s totally fine. Actually, I think I read somewhere that most people fall in the middle on the Kinsey Scale of sexuality. There are definitely more bi-sexuals sitting among us in lecture than we think there are and, in my opinion, they’re get the best of both worlds!

How would this work?
And what am I getting myself into, exactly? What constitutes sex with a girl? Is it just oral sex? Are there tools required? Which one of us would make the moves? I wouldn’t really know what to do if I found myself in bed with another girl (although I’m sure Captain Morgan would help me out a bit). I’m not up to speed on lesbian sexual politics, and I’m not sure how I can learn. One piece of wisdom I have acquired (from my gay male friends) is that oftentimes, lesbians don’t like to mess around with girls who are bi-curious, on the fence, experimenting, etc., because they assume that when things start to migrate down south, they’ll just chicken out, reject them, and run away to the safe familiarity of a peen. I totally get that. But if gay girls don’t want to get involved with me, how am I supposed to DO this?! Which leads me to…

Where am I supposed to find a lady?
It might be easy to find sexually open-minded people at smaller, liberal arts colleges where there is a higher population of gay students. But at my school, I don’t really know where to start looking among the thousands of undergrads. Where are all the bi-curious girls? I should probably start going to Rainbow Alliance/LGBT meetings more often and try to make friends. And I guess I’ll just have to be extra alert at parties and see if I can re-wire my Gaydar to pick up on signals from girls, too. Flirting with girls at parties will probably have to happen too, but I’m still emotionally scarred from the last time I tried to do that…

But even with all those questions, why not try it?
I just feel like the time is now to try this out. It’s practically expected for people to experiment in college, and I’m ready to go. The last thing I want is to wake up one morning in twenty years next to my snoring, scruffy husband and wish that I had explored another option when it was more socially acceptable.

If only it were as easy as it sounds.
Is anybody else going through this or know someone who is?

Sex is great (OK, great is an understatement, but let’s move on), but what do you do when it’s not? Pain during sex is surprisingly common and can happen for a number of reasons. This week, I’m going to break a few down of the most common causes so that you can get back to screaming from pleasure, not pain.

Vaginal Dryness
Vaginal dryness is probably the most common cause of painful sex, but it’s also the easiest to deal with. Vaginal dryness can be caused by the pill or antidepressants (both lower libido) or by inadequate arousal. To remedy the problem, indulge in more foreplay before the act (easy enough) and use a water based lubricant.

Vaginal Infection
If pain is severe or you feel itchy and irritated down there, it could be an infection (like of the yeast variety).  If you think you have an infection you should see a doctor. Over-the-counter medicine like Vagisil can help with itching or pain.

Vaginismus
Vaginismus is involuntary tightness of the vagina due to contractions of the pelvic floor muscles. If penetration is regularly painful enough to make it nearly impossible, it’s time to see a doctor. There’s no known cause or quick cure for vaginismus; according to Google Health, “treatment involves extensive therapy that combines education, counseling, and behavioral exercises. Such exercises include pelvic floor muscle contraction and relaxation (Kegel exercises).”

Uterine Problems
If the pain feels like it’s coming from deep in the pelvis, or if you feel like he is bumping into something in there, the pain is likely caused by the uterus. Uterus pain can be caused by fibroid growths, tilting of the uterus, or a prolapsed uterus. Again, you need to see a doctor if this pain is consistent and severe.

All in all, one instance of pain during sex probably isn’t anything you need to worry about, but if sex is consistently painful and adding foreplay and lubrication into your routine don’t help, you should be seeking medical advice. After all, sex should be pleasurable, not punishment (no matter what your Sunday school teacher taught you).

"Ok, so I'm on top. What do I do now!?"

Losing your virginity is huge. It’s been built up since the birds and the bees talk, and everyone you know gives you a different description of what it’s actually going to be like.

Grandma preaches about how she waited for marriage and how the only man she ever slept with was your grandfather, which kept her from getting those dirty diseases the youngsters are getting these days. Your parents just beg you to wait for college when you’re out of their house, and protect yourself so you aren’t bringing home their grandchildren on your winter break. Then there’s your slutty friend who boasted about how great it was and had all the boys following her through the halls of high school.

But when we sit down and look back on how it actually was when we decided to lose our virginity, it isn’t easily summed up into one simple tip or anecdote. It was more like a 30-minute (if you were one of the lucky ones) progression into womanhood.

After reading The Frisky’s perspective on the stages men go through when losing their virginity, I was not only enlightened (seriously, who knew guys thought so much?!), but it got me thinking of my own first time and the stages I went through as it was all goin’ down.

Perhaps you can relate…

Apprehension
I’ve been planning this moment forever and the day is finally here. My hands are clammy and I’m going back and forth between clenching my vagina as if trying to ward off the impending penetration and dreaming about how romantic it will all be (based solely on my weekly viewing of The Notebook). When the time comes, I’m wearing my sexiest pair of undies but, ugh, why do my boobs flop out to the side like that when I’m laying on my back? And am I doing this right? Should I be making more noises? Does this position make me look fat? Suck it in. SUCK. IT. IN.

The Decline
About 15 minutes into it, I am blindsided by a flood of emotion that comes out of nowhere. Am I…no wait…that is NOT a tear! Omg, it is a tear. I’m crying. This can’t be happening. It’s okay, he doesn’t notice. Just pretend it’s sweat. But why should I be ashamed? It’s not my fault I have a surge of estrogen that suddenly reminds me of the magnitude of the situation. It’s momentous and life changing. Do I love you? Should we get married? Omg, did I just say I love you out loud!? I don’t think he heard me. Say something dirty to cover it up! Wait! Do I love him? No! Maybe? No. Okay, maybe I do. Damn you, emotions. Okay, sanity regained. Let’s just do this.

Mass Chaos
Is this how it’s supposed to go? This feels…weird. Wait, what am I doing? OW! Did something just pop? That did NOT feel good! What are my parents going to think? They’re totally gonna know. My mom’s going to tell grandma; I’ll never be able to show my face at Christmas dinner. Why the hell am I thinking about grandma right now? EW! Is the condom still on? I don’t feel it. Omg, I’m going to get pregnant. I really have to pee. I think I am going to pee. I cannot hold it in. This is a nightmare. Oh wait, that doesn’t feel half bad… Hey, I kinda like this. Keep doing that. Make noises so he knows you like it. Mmmm.

Triumph
I finally did it. I’m no longer “the virgin” of the group, which automatically disabled me from every girl chat about sex, men and late night rendezvous’. I’m not going to deny it, I feel great. I’m a real woman now! Perhaps there is a little physical damage, I’m almost positive I am going to be walking like I spent the night horseback riding come tomorrow morning, but mentally I couldn’t feel better. Oh wait. Go pee. But cover up; he doesn’t need to see your cellulite. Wait. Stop being crazy. You guys just had sex. OMG. I just had sex! My friends are totally gonna freak when I tell them. They need to know immediately. Ok, he’s facing the other way. Is he sleeping? WTF? Whatever, just grab the Blackberry and bring it to bathroom. Mass texting is in order!

Got a health question? Don’t trust those “Doctors” at the University Health Center? Are you scared of Web M.D. because it always tells you you’re gonna die? Ask a real doctor, our friend Dr. Lissa Rankin. She’s here every Thursday to answer whatever you throw at her – like the ultimate cure for a hangover! – so ask away. Leave your question in the comments or send it over to us. Don’t be shy; she’s waiting for ya!

Q: I don’t really know how to ask this so I’ll just get right to it. I’m still a virgin and I’m the only one left in my group. All my girl friends lost their virginity this year and have been telling me how much it hurt. Now I’m scared! Is it really that bad? And is there anything I can do to….prepare? Or should I just buy some cats now and grow old as a single, virgin spinster?

I’m really freaking out here.

A: Ok, hold up. It is definitely not time to start hoarding cats. Unless you really like cats, in which case, stock up! But don’t throw in the towel on sex just yet. Every woman is different when it comes to what your first time feels like. If you’ve been wearing tampons, riding horses, and straddling balance beams in gymnastics, your hymen may already be broken, so it might hurt less. On the flip side, if you’re very tiny and trying to insert a junior sized tampons sends you through the roof, you might face some serious discomfort.

But even if you are in the latter group, there are things you can do, especially if you’re in a relationship and can anticipate when it will happen (which offers your best shot at a good experience, in my opinion. Losing your virginity to a beer-sloshed one-night stand who can’t remember your name doesn’t bode well for gentle, compassionate connection between you and your partner. But then, you know that.).

My patient Adrianna had so much pain just from foreplay that she avoided sex until she was twenty-nine. (Every Christmas she would send me a card with the Virgin Mary on it and sign it “Love, the Virgin.”)  Always in serious relationships, she would put it off until that inevitable moment when she knew she would either have to lose her virginity or break up with the guy. Every year, when she reached that fork in the road, she broke some poor guy’s heart, rather than ‘fessing up to her fears.

Then she met Ed, and he swept her off her feet.  After he proposed, she approached me, begging me to help her give it all up to Ed.  Here’s what I told her to do:

How To Lose Your Virginity As Painlessly as Possible

1. Purchase a good sexual lubricant like Astroglide or K-Y Jelly.

2. Begin to prepare weeks, even months in advance. (Note: preparation also includes getting comfortable and intimate with your own body!)  The vagina is an elastic organ designed to fit a baby through it.  Your virginal vagina may not like being stretched by an erect penis, but it’s willing to negotiate. Begin by starting to dilate the vagina with the smallest thing you can insert into your vagina comfortably – a pinkie finger, a junior sized tampon, or a thumb. Lube it up and gently insert it inside the vagina.

3.  Notice the muscles that surround your vagina. Are they tense or relaxed? Does the object or finger slide easily into the vagina, or does it hurt? Make a conscious effort to release the tension from those muscles. Hold the object in for 10 minutes.

4. If that doesn’t hurt at all, try gradually increasing the size of what you insert into your vagina- a super-plus sized tampon, two fingers, or a small dildo. Repeat the exercise with the larger object until you find something that begins to stretch you and feel uncomfortable. When you reach that point, hold the object still for 10 minutes, and repeat this every day until it no longer hurts. (Don’t forget the lube, which is key). You may bleed during some of these exercises, which is nothing to worry about, as long as the bleeding is slight.

5. When you notice that it no longer hurts to insert that object inside, go bigger. Keep increasing the size of what you place into the vagina until you can accommodate a dildo that mimics the size of your partner’s penis.

6. Once you can keep the dildo in place for 10 minutes without pain, try moving it in and out of you, mimicking what your partner would do during intercourse. Go slowly, and make sure you have control of how the dildo moves. Feel free to play around with other types of sexual stimulation or other sex toys during this process. Remember, sex is supposed to be fun! Feel free to invite your partner in for the party, if you feel comfortable. If not, make it a private affair until you’re ready for the big night.

7. When you can do this without pain, you’re ready for the main event. Encourage your partner to have fun with foreplay. The more aroused you feel, the less likely it is to hurt.

8. Spend a moment taking deep, relaxing breaths. Concentrate on relaxing the muscles around the vagina to make way for your lover to enter you. Visualize your vagina as a flower gently opening to receive the love you share with your partner.

9. When you’re ready, lube up and try a woman-on-top position, which gives you more control over the depth of penetration and the speed of the thrusting. Take it slow. Listen to your body. Warn your partner that you may not be able to finish the job. If need be, you can ask him to stop and take care of him in other ways, if you know what I mean.

Remember: practice makes perfect. It gets better with time – I swear. If your first time isn’t glorious, don’t be discouraged. My first time was God-awful, but in time, our bodies learn what to do and you’ll be making beautiful music in the sack before you know it.

Hope it helps!

Wishing you a gentle, safe, loving, nurturing cherry-pop,

Dr. Lissa

I’m one of those girls who religiously pees after sex. I read an article at some point in my life (probably in Cosmo when I was sneaking it at 15) about how peeing could prevent UTIs. Combine that with the fact that I inherited my mothers insanely-active bladder, and I can’t imagine not taking that trip to the potty. Sure, it sorta kills the romance and puts cuddling on hold for a minute, but I’ve never had a UTI so I think that makes it worth it.

I’ve also heard girls talk about how peeing after sex could prevent STDs and pregnancy. I’m less than convinced, but could there be some truth in it? Does urine have some secret healing powers? I decided to investigate the idea of peeing after to sex to see if it really does anything…or if we’re all missing out on quality cuddles for nothing.

Most research finds that peeing after sex may reduce the possibility of contracting a Urinary Tract Infection. Peeing after sex can prevent UTIs because “it can help remove unwanted organisms from the urethra, which may reduce the risk of urethral infections.” While it’s not a guarantee, what do I really have to lose by running to the bathroom naked to clean out my urethra? I’m not a fan of any unwanted organisms in my lady-parts, so if peeing after sex will flush them out, I’m game.

So if pee can rid me of that evil bacteria, can it do the same for sperm?

No. Peeing after sex does NOT prevent STDs or pregnancy. I repeat: it does NOT prevent STDs or pregnancy. Sexetc.com explains: “The semen and penis go into the vagina and the urine comes out the urethra, which is a different opening. So, while urinating after sex might empty the bladder, it has no effect on where the sperm are inside the vagina.” It seems obvious because it is. Anyone who tells you differently is just trying to sneak by without using a condom.

For STD and pregnancy protection, condoms are ALWAYS you’re best bet. Std411.com says: “STDs cannot be flushed or washed away, so peeing and washing will not prevent a bacterial or viral STD and nor will they cause a STD to go away.”

Let’s be honest, people; if pee pee could prevent STDs, wouldn’t people have figured that out a long time ago?

So let’s break it all down:
Peeing to prevent UTIs = truth.
Peeing to prevent you from being a mom with an STD = big, fat false.

If you’re going to have sex and you want it to be the safest/cleanest/baby free-est it can be, use a condom, pee when you’re done, wash those hands, then hop back under the covers for a much-needed and much-coveted snuggle sesh.

We all have those days when the last thing we want in and around our mouth is our boyfriend’s Little General. Let’s be honest, sometimes the art of fellatio can be quite a chore. But denying our man what he most wants doesn’t come without guilt. While flat out rejection seems like cruel and unusual punishment, there are some foolproof excuses that will lessen the blow of the job-not done.

“I think I’m allergic to your sperm.”
Yes, that is possible. And unless he want’s to explain to the nurse at the health center exactly why your mouth is swollen to the size of a grapefruit, he better let you off the hook this time.

“It’s not me! It’s the curse of the lockjaw!”
A stiff jaw does not a good BJ make. The attack of the lockjaw is just as painful for him as it is for you. Especially if you catch a little skin in the midst of the untimely episode. The thought of a bleeding dick may turn him off to the idea altogether, and if it doesn’t, the thought of calling EMS to remove you from his man-bits might do the trick.

“Sorry, but my gag reflex is super sensitive today.”
There is no such thing as erotic vomiting. You may have loved that romantic dinner you two just enjoyed, but no one will be smiling when you see it for a second time. On his stomach. End of story.

“I have a cold and can’t breathe through my nose. I could die!”
Unless asphyxiation turns him on, this is an undeniable excuse. No one wants the headline of their obituary to read “Girl Loses Life Going Down on Boyfriend.” Remind him that you’ll be the shame of your family and it will be all his fault. And your dad owns a big ol’ gun. That should do it.

“Okay, but I spit.”
That one will work. Trust.

My Roots of Feminism class recently read The Myth of Vaginal Orgasm by Anne Koedt, an essay from 1970 that talks about the idealization of vaginal orgasms when the main source of sexual pleasure for women has been proven to be the clitoris. (She goes much more into depth in her essay about how the “myth of vaginal orgasm” came about, if you want to read it.)

In 2009, we seem to have finally recognized the clitoris as the important sexual organ it is. Any Cosmo article will tell you that many women don’t have vaginal orgasms and clitoral stimulation is an important part of sex.  But despite recognizing the important of the clitoris, our basic, standard sex position remains missionary, one of the worst positions for clitoral stimulation!

Perhaps this is why 75% of women have never had an orgasm from sex; they’re going about it all wrong!

Well, people, it’s time to move past missionary and into the land of pleasure. Out with the boring and in with the orgasmic! Below are some new positions to try out that are sure to bring both you and your partner some serious pleasure.

You can thank me later.

69
Oral sex is by far the best source of clitoral stimulation for women, and with 69, both partners (of any gender) are enjoying themselves.

CAT
A modified version of missionary position, the Coital Alignment Technique (CAT) is a position specifically designed to give women clitoral stimulation during sex. From Wikipedia: “The penetrating partner lies above the receiving partner as in the missionary position, but moves upward along the woman’s body, so that the base of the male’s penis provides stimulation to her clitoris. The receiving partner may also wrap her legs around his. Sexual movement is focused in the pelvises, without leverage from the arms or legs. The rocking upward stroke (receiving partner leads) and downward stroke (penetrating partner leads) of sexual movement builds arousal that partners let develop and peak naturally.” Yeah it all sounds sorta technical, but in the end you’ll be happy you put the effort in.

Girl on Top
When you climb aboard you can control the depth and speed of penetration, thus doing what makes you feel best. Plus, his hands are free to offer extra stimulation. Win-win!

Doggy Style With Paws
Doggy style is a great angle for G-spot stimulation. To make it even better for you, ask your man to use his hand (or just grab it and show him) to stimulate your clitoris at the same time.

You, Me, and the Machine
Find a small, easy to grib vibrator and take it to bed with you. I promise you, your partner will enjoy it just as much as you. You won’t be sorry!

What’s your favorite position?

We all know the movies don’t necessarily contain the most accurate depictions of actual life. Or do we?

Whether we realize it or not, we all pick up subtle things from movies that we expect to find in our actual lives. And while I’m willing to overlook some of the media’s follies (like the fact that people in any foreign country all speak English), some of their depictions of sex are just. so. wrong.

Sex requires a soundtrack.
Sure, some people like to have sex to music and watching couples do it to some big, romantic song in the movies makes us all think music will enhance our orgasms, too. But how many times have you set your iTunes to random and had the Spongebob theme song come on in the middle of your session? Awkward! Sometimes it’s best to leave the music off while you’re getting frisky (unless you’re trying to drown out the noise so your roommates don’t hear). It will still be just as good.

Couples always finish together.
Not only do women orgasm every time they have sex in movies, but they always do it at the exact same time as their partner. Anyone who’s ever had sex in the real world knows this couldn’t be further from the truth for most sexual encounters.

Women never walk around naked after sex.
I don’t know about you girls, but I have never, ever ripped a sheet off of a bed to cover myself when I need to walk around the morning after sex. Nor do I immediately dress myself in my boyfriend’s oversized, button-up shirt.

Sex makes babies, no matter what.
Of course, sex can lead to pregnancy. But the recent barrage of unplanned-pregnancy movies and TV shows (Knocked Up, Juno, Secret Life of the American Teenager) would make you think birth control had never been invented.

Losing your virginity is a really, really, really big deal.
If you’re a female TV character, chances are you spend at least a season deciding if, when, and with whom you lose your virginity. And when you finally do make the choice, you either A. hurt someone you love, B. get pregnant, or C. feel horribly insecure afterward. And if you’re in a slasher movie, your virginity was probably the only thing keeping you alive!

Only beautiful women have sex.
Or husbands, careers, educations, friends, or any type of life worth living, for that matter.

Every month Cosmopolitan challenges me with article titles such as: “Sex Positions You’ve Never Tried!” Not believing them, combined with my love of a challenge, I took a gander at the list of positions they’d laid out for me. I’d been looking for a little more adventure in my life and I’ve always been all about trying everything once.

Until now.

Based on the names alone, I had no problem saying, “You’re right, Cosmo, I never have tried the Erotic Accordion… and I never want to.” Yes, I actually spoke out loud to my monthly magazine.

Here are a list of some Cosmo-recommended sex positions that sound less than pleasurable. Try them if you dare. I will not:

Erotic Accordion: If I want to have a sex positions named after an instrument, I’d be more inclined to test out the Carnal Clarinet or any other wind instrument for that matter. What’s sexy about an accordion? There’s just something about folding and unfolding my body just doesn’t sound appealing. And imagining the old, mustachioed men who usually play accordions doesn’t really add much to my fantasies either.

The Linguini: I’m sorry to have to bring this up, but doesn’t this immediately make you think of the word “flaccid.” Limp noodle sex? I’ll pass.

Passion Propeller: I have visions of propelling myself like a helicopter blade. I also have a vision of propelling myself right into the wall. I’m not ready to take flight just yet.

Standing Tiger/Crouching Dragon: Don’t you mean Crouching Tiger/Hidden Penis? Sexuality and violence may be an aphrodisiac for some, but personally, I like to keep marital arts out of the bedroom.

Arc de Triomph: I haven’t had much time for yoga lately, so folding myself into this position (which I’m pretty sure I can’t even pronounce) would not be sexy. Unless you consider spontaneous leg spasms a turn-on.

The Erotic End: Is this just sweet talk for anal? You can put it anyway you want, but you can’t put it there.

My roommate has recently become obsessed with the new Weezer song and she’s constantly shouting, “Girl, If you’re wondering if I want you to, I want you to,
 so make a move, (Make a move) ‘cos I ain’t got all night.”

This has led me to some contemplation on how hard it actually is to make a move on someone, and how annoying and awkward it can be while you’re waiting for them to make a move on you.

We’ve all been in way too many situations where we’ve been talking to a cute boy all night, but the party’s dying down and we can’t tell if he’s gonna pack up his things and head home (alone), or pucker up his lips and go in for the kiss (or, you know, put his hand on our butt…something!). And you know he’s feeling just as anxious, because he can’t tell if he should risk making the move too soon and scaring you off.

So you just sorta stand there…talking about cheese.

Of course, as Weezer exemplifies, this situation can easily be reversed. And I’m all for that. It’s time to stomp out the awkwardness of making/waiting for a move. It’s time to take matters into our own hands, and to take those matters with confidence and ease.

How can you let him/her know you’re ready?

Physical Contact. Touch his shoulder as you’re talking, or let yourself get pushed close to him in a crowded room. Taking advantage of any excuse to touch him will get those hormones pumping!

Privacy. Any thinly veiled excuse to leave the crowded party or bar (“I’d love a house tour! Which room is yours?”) should give off the hint that you’re ready to take it up a notch.

Where did my friends go? Losing your friends offers a great opportunity for him to offer to walk you home, and for you to invite him inside to “warm up.” Of course, make sure you have cab fare in case he doesn’t get the hint.

Tired of waiting? Tried all those things and homeboy still isn’t going in for the kill? Make the move yourself.

Just Kiss Him Already. If the tension is there, taking the plunge and just kissing him is the best way to get started. If he’s into it, you’ll be a hero. If you misread the situation and he has a girlfriend or something, well, at least you have a story to submit to CollegeCandy’s Morning After column.

Yeah, it will sting for a little while, but at least you tried. That’s more than you can say for most people!