But when I get home from a long day, I’m not looking for shark week. No sirree blog, I’m looking for some other organisms ripping each other apart and basking in the blood. That’s right: I’m looking forward to Reality TV. And, naturally, other crappy shows I can’t stop watching.

Look! Here’s a few!

(5) A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila

GOD this show blows! So why am I glued to the screen?

And why, when ****SPOILER ALERT******!!!!

Tila chose Kristy and Kristy rejected Tila, why, oh, why did I feel so deliciously vindicated–and then so bummed for Tila? Tila, you biznatch, you have a boyfriend and this is totally fake and everyone knows it! So put away your sweet, sweet alligator tears so I can stop feeling bad for you!!

Dammit.

(4) What Not To Wear

It’s the same every week! Literally! For years, the show has followed the same strict formula (ambush, commercial, 360 mirror/wardrobe trashing, commercial, shop alone pathetically, commercial, shop with Stacey and Clinton successfully, commercial, hair and makeup, commercial, show new look to Stacey and Clinton, commercial, show new look to family, and FIN). I mean, there is almost literally no variation. Once in a while, they do twins or something to mix it up–but still within the same mold. HOWEVER: I love this show. My boyfriend says Stacey and Clinton are the worst people he can imagine, but I want them to be my best friends. So. There you go.

(3) Flavor of Love

Flavor Flav, you sly dog. You made it through 3 seasons (3 seasons!!!!!!) until you finally said, frick it, I’m going to be with the latest mother of my latest child! Now that is ballsy.

Brava, Flav. Brava.

(2) The Simpsons

This used to be the best show on television, but, for the past bunch of years, it’s totally sucked. It’s a shell of its former self, with nerds writing it whose only goal is making themselves giggle.

To be fair, it’s been on almost as long as I’ve been alive. STILL! Stop sucking, Simpsons, and start being awesome again!!! I miss you! (And yet I still watch you every Sunday night and get great joy trashing you every Monday. So…yeah.)

(1) The Real World

The classic to kill all classics. I mean, this is a bad show. Right? But…but…it’s been on so long, in so many cities. And…and…I’ve seen them all. And…I–I love it. YOU WIN, REAL WORLD. Now throw me up some Puck and Bri and I can cry myself to sleep.

Other shows may come or go, Real World, but you’re always a woman to me.

Did I miss any?

[Image courtesy of mediaobsessed.com]

As soon as they arrive, they have pool and lunch/talk time. Bo and his well-waxed eyebrows have nothing to say until he finds out that he can’t ride on the jet skis with the girls because of his jaw. He gets upset and takes it personally. Bo, need I remind you – spitting out tons of blood, split jaw, emergency room – surgery?!?

Then we have the condom blow up race – the person who wins gets to choose when they have their date. The catch: the game isn’t about speed; it’s about how they work the pump. Yes, working the pump. I’m shaking my head as I type this. Brittany wins and decides to spend the second night with Tila; she then chooses Bo go to on the first date and Kristy to go on the last one.

So the rest of the episode is basically going to be Tila making out with everyone and possibly spending the night with each of them.

Bo date: Bo’s apologies for acting like a baby earlier in the date and Tila cries about hurting Bo’s feelings and then she initiates a kiss, which totally surprises me because it seems like she doesn’t want to even be on the show. Did you guys even eat anything?

They go up to Tila’s room and I’m shocked – SHOCKED! – as the girls lay around in their bikinis and call Bo doofy. Awww, he’s not doofy; I make fun of him, but I do think that he’s cute.

Oh, geeze, someone put rose petals on Tila’s bed. Can I inform the world that rose petals on a bed are a bad idea? They stick to you, you know.

And Brittany and Kristy are skinny dipping as Bo and Tila keep making out. I’m guessing that Bo spends the night.

Yes, I’m right; Tila and Bo enter breakfast together where Tila is going to eat pancakes in lingerie. Did they do it? Must they giggle as Kristy and Brittany try to eat?

Brittany date: I feel like she’s going to get eliminated because she just pours it on. “You make it so hard not to fall in love with you.” CHEEEEEEESE. How old are you? You and Tila were meant to happen? Wow. This is followed by a make out and an invitation to Tila’s hot tub where Tila says she falls in love with Brittany. Well, she told the cameras that; she didn’t tell Brittany.

Next morning, Brittany and Tila enter together for another uncomfortable morning-after-possibly-post-coital breakfast.

Kristy date: It’s going to just be more of the same; dinner, make out, talk about feelings, night cap. I really like Tila’s dress; I don’t think that I’ve liked a single thing that she’s worn through this whole show until this moment.

Kristy, Tila’s not spoiling you – some 22 year old at MTV is setting up these dates. I like how we see more of Tila and Kristy together than anyone else because the camera guys like filming it and the editing guys need something interesting to watch. The girls take the hook up inside and walk into breakfast together the next morning.

And we watch another uncomfortable breakfast but at least they are flying back to Cali afterward for eliminations that night. I’m glad Tila can spend the flight time doing all of that thinking since she has so much on her mind.

Eliminations!!

Bo gets the first key – no shocker there.

Tila chooses Kristy over Brittany. And again, I’m not shocked. Brittany’s really sweet and I’m sure that after this show she’ll have PLENTY of girls to choose from.

Next time – reunion show and then in two weeks we have the finale for the greatest, most influential show ever!

Who do you think will win it, Kristy or Bo?

What made Bo’s mom show off her Gene Simmon’s tongue and hit on Tila in front of a 10 year old? Poor thing is getting the education that he never wanted from his mom.

Next up is Tila in Westchester, NY, visiting Kristy. They start at the ice rink. Kristy must have been the junior ice champion at one point. They go on to Kristy’s house to meet the family and I cringe when they all start dancing to the show’s theme song. Does Tila sing this crap? No one should be “freaking” on anyone right now. My mom would have died 4.7 seconds into this mess.

Off to San Diego to visit Brittany. I anticipate a boring visit but Brittany comes out of this looking really cool to me. She’s really thoughtful, her friends seem cool and her dad is a nice guy. These are the conclusions that I’ve made based on 90 seconds of footage, but I’m sure that I’m right.

And last is the visit that I’m dreading. Jersey Jay in Jersey. No one else in his family looks like Corey Haim. The dinner devolved rather quickly and I wonder if this is a regular occurrence with Mom and Step Mom showing breasts and kissing. This family is so freaky, Tila could have shown her vagina and they would have called it cute. Tila must have magic musk pheromones to make everyone hit on her everywhere she goes.

Why would Jay suggest going in the hot tub? I can’t pick my mouth up from the floor watching this hot tub orgy. If I were filming this, I would have quit my job during dinner and my family would have to starve for my choice.

Everyone reconvenes at the mansion where I finally see the stupid gigantic purple bed that hasn’t been slept on since the third day. Brittany and Bo are worried because Jay’s family was wild and Tila might like that more than their normal visits – yeah, um, don’t worry. I can’t even imagine why Jay was proud of his visit. He’s totally going home.

Eliminations!

Kristy gets the first key, Bo gets the second and…

YES!!! Jay is GOING HOME!! Tila says that he’s not her type. Haaa.

Jay, give it up, you LOSER. Don’t even call Tila a ho. And you can call Bo a bitch all you want – you are going to go home to hold your limpness in your hand while you watch your moms make out and cry over your dumb tattoo. Bo is really way too cool to stoop to your level and acknowledge your bitch-assness.

Next episode: Cancun. I’m too angry at Jay to add any detail to this.

The guest ref is a beast. Poor Kristy is wrestling Lisa. Sucks for you and your fine ass, Kristy. George camera-insults Jay for his Jersey b1tch attitude. Scotty is the worst for being unable to beat midget Corey Haim.

Glitter shockingly beats Brittany and I’m saddened that George never got a chance to fight.

Winners get a date in a room that was decorated to look like a candy shop, and Tila’s dressed like kiddie porn.

The losers are invited in after the winner date and Tila encourages them to have a food fight. The poor interns who have to clean this up – oh, nevermind. After they are all doused in sugar, they have to clean it while chained together – something about a lack of team work. Um, they wrestled. That doesn’t involve teamwork. Then Kristy makes out with Tila and this is ridiculous.

I guess it’s the next day and Tila’s going to make them tell her who should stay and who should go. This must have happened last season, too. Here’s how it breaks down:

Scotty – I don’t know because Glitter cries. She doesn’t think that anyone should go home. I can’t believe that she leaves her commune to strip and do reality TV. So I don’t know what the group decided with Scotty.

Glitter – she got the overwhelming GO.

Jay – the guys were all GO. I’m with the guys.

George – it was mostly STAY with Jay the Jersey Douche being the only exception. George’s penis will dwarf yours, Corey Haim light.

Brittany – that’s a GO. Boys say GO, girls say STAY. Why are you crying?

Lisa – Overwhelming STAY.

Bo – Overwhelming GO. Wow. Don’t cry, man. Tila’s keeping you around, I promise.

Kristy – Overwhelming STAY.

Lisa gets a free pass for the next elimination. Everyone except for Bo and Lisa are going on a group date by the pool. These dates are so lame because they don’t leave the premises. Glitter “steps it up” by getting naked. Stepping it up always involves some level of nudity. Jay, put your effing clothes on with that shriveled floppy penis. You’re scaring the lesbians. And this straight girl.

Bo gets alone time after the group date. He gets dressed up like he’s a waiter at a catering hall. How long are these dates – 15 minutes? Three hours? How does he kiss when he got a plate surgically implanted in his jaw like eight minutes ago?

Tila puts on her thinking face to make a decision.

Eliminations!

Jay somehow gets the first key, followed by Bo and his plate jaw.

The last three standing are Glitter, Scotty and George. Come on, not again, George.

Glitter is out because she is too emotional. She has so much heart, so much love – so, so many tears and pounds of glitter.

Scotty is going home because Tila only sees him as a friend.

So six remain and I think that Tila will be making the choice between Lisa and Bo.

Next time: tattoos, walking on glass and Tila probably makes them drink a bull semen mudslide because the producers forget that this isn’t “Fear Factor.”

Chad escorted out immediately and is off the show. They don’t f*ck around. I take back my wanting to have a drink with Chad.

Is Bo missing teeth? OMG, he is spitting out so much blood, call freaking 911 already and stop standing around asking if he’s okay.

On cue, Glitter cries.

Bo must be SO pissed off. I can’t believe that he was able to keep himself from punching back; I don’t doubt his ability to defend himself. Off to the hospital he goes.

In the morning, Tila learns about the fight.

She doesn’t look good without make up. Tila cries some fake tears upon hearing the news. Or maybe these are real tears because someone got hurt over her fake ass show. That is nice of her to call Bo. I can’t believe that Scotty and Jay are the only guys remaining. I mean, Jay? Yuck.

BO NEEDS SURGERY??? This is horrific. I cannot believe that his jaw is broken and I really feel sorry for him.

Tila decides that with all of the drama that everyone needs to get out. Everyone is way too excited about it – I wonder how long it’s been. Ha, Tila goes to dinner in a separate car and what, is George coming back? Awwwww. But what’s with the rose — why does everyone think that this is the Bachelor?

Everyone is really excited to see George. Jay is quiet – probably because he has to sit with the fact that he instigated the fight and that because he was a punk someone is in the hospital (and *sniff* he lost his best friend in the house).

Whoa, Boston Michelle – where have you been? Jay is being a baby like ‘you eliminated George for a reason.’

Lisa Rizzo asks Tila why she eliminated George. Lisa’s hot. She busts out with, “I think Tila’s fake as hell.” HAAAAA!!!! We have a mental connection, me and Lisa.

After dinner, Tila goes up to her room to call her real-life boyfriend to complain about having ot hang out with the cast, Bo’s recovering from surgery and everyone else stays up to wear cowboy hats to ride the pole.

Bo and his busted jaw return to the house the next day. He’s not screwing around – he either really wants to be on TV or really wants to win.

There is a plate in his chin. He didn’t lose teeth; it just looked like it because of the split jaw. Geeeeeze.

Jay apologizes to Bo because he knows that he’s gonna go home if Tila gets wind of what he did. Shut up, Jay. Bo accepts it, but I don’t.

Oh, damn, there’s gonna be a stupid challenge. I like the show better with fighting and no challenges. Bo can’t participate and because there is an uneven number, someone has to sit out. Lisa and whomever is her partner will win so I won’t bother explaining the game.

I called it, Lisa and Brittany win. The best part of that is that before the game, Brittany said, “If we win, don’t eliminate me” because everyone who goes on a date with Lisa is eliminated.

Tila spends time with Brittany first. Tila’s comments about the contestants are so generic, I love it. “She’s a fun girl, but she has a serious side, too.” Really, Tila, what else did they write on the cue cards for you?

Next up – Lisa time. Tila confronts her on the ‘fake’ shizz. I love that Lisa can’t take the crying and walks out pissed off. Tila actually goes out to her and I’m surprised. A producer must have told her to do that because they needed more footage.

Eliminations

Tila calls down Lisa first and after a big old make out, decides to keep her around.

The last four standing are Jay, Boston Michelle, Sirbrina and Brittany.

Sirbrina is out. And so is Boston Michelle with her fab accent.

I don’t know what happens next time; I was too busy — doing — I don’t know. I’m sure I’ll see a commercial and figure it out.

Last time

This episode: 12 people remain. Everyone makes it sound like the competition is really serious but they’ve been there for like 4 days so I don’t believe them. Tila leaves a bowl of questions out for everyone to answer. Shockingly, all of the questions are sex related. Until the MTV writers throw in a question about gay marriage and Chad is against it and “a child deserves a father.” Oof, shut up. You’re losing your sexy, Chad.

Challenge for the day: who can ride it better? Ugh, scary. Backyard Bi-nanza. Quit it already with these competition names. So they are riding mechanical bulls. The teams are mixed up because the girls keep beating the guys. Apparently Sirbrina rides mechanical bulls for a living because she works at a bar and I need to rethink my career choices.

[There’s a commercial for “Real World: Hollywood” – are they serious with this? Where’d they find the ignorant blonde? Please don’t let her vote in the upcoming election.]

The yellow team wins but I don’t know who’s on it. They are going on a date with Tila in a fake saloon that MTV built the day before and the losers have to make chili for Tila.

Bo keeps his bandana hat on to cook. Kyle and the blonde girl with the booty are there, too. Is this where Chad fights Bo?

Tila’s drinking on the date because she’d otherwise be miserable having to interact with the cast while sober. She asks George about sex and he acts shy about it – but you can tell that with just a tiny bit of encouragement George would do things that I cannot even begin to type here. Like alllllll sorts of things.

The date ends and Tila goes to eat the dinner that Bo and Co. prepared. I’m glad that Bo took off the cowboy gear. Too bad the chili was good and didn’t poison anyone. Bo gets Tila alone after dinner and the other losers sulk over their bowls.

Next day – beach party. This is gonna get nasty.

Chad and Jersey Jay have grown close. I guess if it doesn’t work out with Tila, they can have each other. And then there’s an orgy in the pool. Yawn – predictable. This is followed by another challenge; the guys have to pair up with a girl and the main objective is to get the wettest. I guess that the winners get a date. Kyle and Lisa (I’m so dumb for not realizing last week that her last name is Rizzo – I thought that it was a “Grease” reference.)

Lisa and Kyle have alone time with Tila and Rizzo calls him Creepy Kyle. Creep on me, Kyle. Why is it weird for Kyle to ask if Tila’s ever had sex on a swing after she asked George about sex? Ooooh, burn, Tila kissed Lisa goodbye and not Kyle. You’re probably going home, dude.

Can we have eliminations yet? Isn’t Chad supposed to punch Bo?

So two are going home.

It comes down to Kyle, George, Glitter and Lisa (what?).

How the f^ck is Glitter still in and NOT Lisa?

Oh – Lisa is still in.

George AND Kyle are going home. Kyle, I said it before, I’ll say it again: Stalk me. You say you’re not a stalker but whatever – try for me.

Tila musters up some fake tears for George and while he does seem like a very nice guy, he is NO innocent, I’m telling you. Poor guy. A few people actually go outside to cry and say goodbye to George. Awww, don’t worry everyone; you’ll see him at the reunion show in like five weeks.

And here is the fight that they’ve been showing us from episode one because Jay and Bo start up. Jay, you can’t break Bo’s face without a step ladder. Then Chad, the butt buddy, hits Bo and we find out next week that Chad’s either going to be charged with assault and/or off of the show.

Stay tuned!

Let me preface this post by stating that no one rolls their eyes harder than I do when I hear concerned parents blather on about how their precious little muffin’s mind is going to rot because of any of the following: rock music, prostitution, violence in the media, sex in the media, sex in general, pornography, video games, liberal bias in the media…well you get the point. So I beg that you forgive me as I indulge in this relatively old fogey moment.

I worry about kids today.

Not because of any of the aforementioned things, but because of MTV and the general dumbing-down of a whole generation. So-called sexual deviancy I can handle, even endorse to a certain degree, but stupidity is unforgivable.

I mention it because I remember when I was twelve or thirteen and I would watch MTV as a model of what my late teens and early twenties would be like. I would live in a house exactly like the one in The Real World: Boston, I would be as cavalierly-cool as Aeon Flux, I would listen to all of the almost painfully cool songs they used to play on 120 minutes when MTV used to play music. In other words, what was cool in the mid-nineties even through the late 90’s is totally different than what is cool now.

And so I try to think of what twelve-year-old girls today are getting from shows like A Shot at Love, My Super Sweet Sixteen and all the Real Worlds after Las Vegas, and all I can come up with is that its hip to be stupid. Some would argue that the real message is that you should be slutty (or, assertive in your sexuality, which I’m all for but, I’m sorry, that’s not what MTV is trying to say), or rich and entitled, or perpetually drunk, but I think the common denominator in all of those things is a stunning lack of common sense and basic intelligence. And self respect, but that’s another blog.

So it begs the question: What came first, the stupid chicken or the idiot egg? Does MTV reflect teen life as it really is or does it, in fact, influence teen life to reflect it’s programming? Or, is it creating a sort of idealized world that doesn’t really reflect any sort of reality? Not being a teen anymore, I can’t really say.

All I can think, though, is that MTV, in it’s status as a sort of cultural zeitgeist, has a responsibility to its viewership that its not fulfilling. The MTV of my formative years, at least in my rather limited memory, had an air of social consciousness, a sensibility that being an individual, and creative, was a good thing. I do not hesitate at all in admitting that MTV did influence me to a certain extent, in giving me awesome role models in Jancee Dunn (on MTV2, which I loved more than MTV) and Alison Stewart. Perhaps it’s just the same nostalgia I get when I watch Salute Your Shorts and Are you Afraid of the Dark? and lament on how awful kids programming has become.

But maybe MTV and networks like it are doing some damage. Maybe it’s time that we should rethink our ideas about what’s cool.

The formula is essentially the same: Six weeks, find love, contestants get eliminated, one will remain at the end, and there will be a reunion special where we discover the winner really isn’t interested. Sound familiar? The big twist in Ms. Tequila’s show is her opportunity to come out as a bisexual and have 16 lesbians square off against 16 straight dudes for her affection. This should be fun.

Tila Tequila, nee Tila Nguyen, shot to fame by becoming the most popular person on Myspace as of April 2006. She has modeled for Playboy, Stuff and Maxim. She also was the number one unsigned artist on Myspace. Through shameless self-promotion and half-naked pictures, Tila has really become internet superstar. Now with her own show, she is sure to become a reality television superstar. I have no doubt the clothing line will follow soon. Oops, there already is a clothing line.

There are some that are giving Tila the big thumbs up for breaking barriers and having a reality show that deals with alternative sexuality. While I’m sure that MTV appreciates being coined as “edgy,” the truth probably is the producers just ate up the idea of girls making out on TV. Does anything get better ratings? I don’t think so. The Christian Conservatives have bashed Tila for encouraging a gay lifestyle. They really don’t get that this kind of controversy only ups ratings even more.

I’m interested to see which way Tila ultimately swings. While I think most of the guys on the show are probably wetting themselves at the possibility of a threesome, most of the lesbians looked less than thrilled there were men in the house. I smell drama, and giant fights. Let the “ultimate battle of the sexes” begin!