Are you looking for a new guilty pleasure? Stupid question. You are always looking for something new to watch. Anything to avoid finishing that paper (that soul-crushing 11-page paper that your professor just had to assign). Well look no further!

First Day 2: First Dance was released last week following the success of  last year’s First Day. This lively web series follows Rosie Rovello and her major crush on classmate JT as she relives the day of her back-to-school dance over and over again.  This light and entertaining and easy to follow webseries from the producers of ABC’s Pretty Little Liars can be watched on the show’s Facebook Page.

Also available on the series’ Facebook page are episode summaries AND a shot at winning a grand prize V.I.P. trip to Los Angeles, along with a variety of daily prizes! You can tune in for new episodes Mondays and Wednesdays!

This week our gang of misfit toys journey to Thailand. If free vacations aren’t enough incentive to sign up for this show I don’t know what is. This week’s theme seemed to be “Starting Over” …although girlfriend had a rough time forgetting about Bentley’s charade last week. Every time the camera was on Ash (in the fake confessional footage) she was stressing about how she doesn’t want to put her all into it again if someone is just going to pull a Bentley, she then goes on to mention his name about 100 more times during the next two hours.  It’s a little sad to watch my favorite little dentist struggle again, at least she isn’t whining to the guys asking if they like her…oh wait.

So Ash wasn’t the only one starting over this week, Thailand proved to be a fresh start for all:

1. During Constantine’s one on one he explains to Ashley that this is the new him. Basically he’s had commitment issues in the past so clearly  being on a reality t.v. show is the fresh start that anyone with commitment issues hopes for. Regardless, their date was cute and showed they could both have fun just going with the flow.

2. Ames apparently was going to go home on his one on one date with Ash, until she realized he was more than a reheated ball of wax and actually (surprise) has a lot in common with her. And I hate to say it, but after seeing him in action he’s kind of moving up in the ranks. So technically his one on one day was a total fresh start with Ashley.

3. The orphans in Baan San Fan orphanage, which houses some of the children who lost their parents in the 2004 tsunami, got a fresh start this week thanks to Ash’s group date guys. On their group date this week, they redid the orphanage supplying new mattresses, toys, bikes and provided a fresh start for some amazing kids. Not going to lie it pulled at my icy heart-strings a bit.

4. Since our favorite Masked Man was forced out last week the gang had to start over and find someone new to pick on. And that someone is Ryan P. For good reason too, with ABC’s selective editing we see just how annoying one person can be on t.v. PLUS wanna be Schuester stole Ashley just as she was about to give out the rose on the group date, you would think he would have something important to say right? Nope, just that he enjoys talking with her, joke was on him though because our lady gave the rose to Ben F.

5. West went home, so it truly was a fresh start/new beginning. After being with those fellas for a month boyfriend gets to go back to his empty house having some new reality t.v. dating experience under his belt.

And just a little movie magic:

During the group date JP and Ash snuck away giving him the perfect chance for a romantic kiss on the beach in the rain…you can’t write this stuff! He also, passively, expressed to the little lady that he was a little concerned about his standing. But Ash reassured him that their magical kisses weren’t going anywhere. On a side note, it seems like JP is the new Ashley…aka Whiny and always needing reassurance.

Even though the last Bachelor couple has already split (and dragged each other through the tabloid dirt – you know, just another day at ABC!), I can’t deny that I have been counting down the days to the season premiere of The Bachelorette. Finally, my Mondays are good again.

For those of you who were not glued to your TV sets last season, listening to Brad talk all about his therapy (which totally paid off since rumors are flying that he and Emily broke it off..just sayin’), Ash was third runner-up. After a tearful goodbye in Africa, girlfriend headed back to the states to pick up her life..and dye her hair.

And now Ashley H (or Cupcake ) has returned to our television sets. Although, hopefully this time around we won’t have to deal with a constant barrage of  ”Do you really love me?” “I don’t know if you love me,” and “tell me you love me.” Or impromptu dental exams. Or her overly enthusiastic family (that totally uses emoticons and !!!!!!! in text messages) that makes me need a Xanex.

According to Ms. Ash, she’s “in the ring” and ready to find love..again. She lost the last match but not the entire battle. Blah blah blah cliche blah blah.

Let’s talk about the boys.

I’d just like to start by saying that this selection of men was not all that impressive. Ali had way hotter dudes to choose from. I mean, one guy was named Ames who has run 1,847 marathons and whose face looks like it was sculpted with wax, then melted and redone….by a blind person with a sense of humor. I’m sure he has a really nice personality though… I mean, the guy did get a rose.

But I digress. Despite the general lack of quality men stepping out of those limos, there are a few I fell for….

My Favorites (for a variety of reasons):

West: After a heartwarming video detailing how he lost his wife but now is finally ready to love again, this guy is the new Emily. You know, in that “makes me cry every time he’s on the screen and he’s so nice you can’t help but love him” sorta way. He also gave Ashley a broken compass that was stuck on “West” so she could always find her way back to him. Cue Awwwwwws now.

JP (aka Cupcake): Who wouldn’t love a man who 1. resembles Joseph Gordon Levitt and 2. is nicknamed Cupcake? He also just seems so sweet and down to earth. I’d like to top him off with some cream cheese frosting…

Ben C: Boyfriend asked Ash to talk in private by using poster boards, Love Actually style. Not to mention he also speaks french AND plays the piano. Um…can sign I up? Please? What if I promise to bleach my teeth and dye my hair and skin the same color?

Tim: The guy is a liquor distributor who gets completely smashed. You can’t make this stuff up! I have never laughed so hard during an episode of the Bachelor/Bachelorette. That. was. awesome. And Ashley handled it like a true lady! She was so nice and understanding, even feeling sorry for the guy because she didn’t want him to have any “wasted opportunities.” Unfortunately, this guy was literally a wasted opportunity. I was still sad when he was escorted off the property. Mostly because we didn’t get an interview with him in the van.

Matt: I’m not usually one for mama’s boys who call their mother while on a mini-date with a lady, but Matt’s mom rocks. In fact, after she told Ashley to “use protection” in the fantasy sweet, I can only hope her son is as awesome as she is. And if not, maybe she can at least come along on some group dates?

My Not-So-Favorites:

Bentley: Way to throw in the ringer, ABC! After getting a rose, of course, we see in the preview two things that make me worry a bit:

1. “I Couldn’t give a F*** about her.”
2. “I think I would feel differently if the bachelorette was Emily.”

Since he is in the preview we can assume he gets at least a few episodes (probably more) in. Which is awesome since Ashley was warned about this dude before he even got there. Girlfriend, TAKE A HINT. Like I always say, “never trust a guy who’s hair looks sorta gray sometimes with a daughter named Cozy.” They’ll always hurt you!

Chris M: Sorry, I just can’t handle frosted tips. Unless they are on Justin Timberlake. In 1999.

Jeff (aka “Batman”): So a little better than fangs but not quite, this season’s Madison is Jeff…who wears a mask (and we think this picture shows why..um, murder eyes anyone?) for the entire night, and in all of the previews. Most of the guys aren’t too fond of him. I can’t imagine why. He’s got such a glowing personality behind that quilted, over the top, Mardi Gras mask!

Best Quote of the night:

“If you can’t handle the heat, get out of the oven” – If that doesn’t show the general intelligence of this little crew….

With the promise of concussions, Thailand, Ashley talking to herself in her bed and loads of shirtless men, this seems like it is shaping up to become an overall amazing season. Perhaps the best yet?

What do you think? Who is your fav? And how much do you HATE Bentley?

What a cheese d*ck.

I’m all for recycling.  Plastic bottles, magazines, boyfriends, reality TV stars.  And on my favorite show, The Bachelor, there’s no exception.  Each season I grow attached to the contestants.  I’ve got my favorites, as I’m sure you do if you keep up with the show.  It was amazing to see so many friendly (and hot) faces return on the Bachelor Pad and I had my fingers and toes crossed that January’s return of The Bachelor would bring another welcome surprise.

Looks like all that wishing and hoping was for nothing.

It’s being widely reported that Brad Womack, the dude who didn’t pick anyone on his season, who sent Deanna packing along with that other chick, is being asked back for a second shot at love.  OK, ABC…what are you smoking?  You’ve got a plethora of gorgeous, funny guys at your disposal.  What’s wrong with one of them!?  Brad’s ugly!  And dumb!  And has a history of ignoring the rules while being a general douche bag!

Should someone realize the error of their ways at the last minute, here’s a list of guys who are more deserving and less atrocious than dear Brad:

A Dream Team season of Jesse Kovacs and Dave Good

Do you seriously think Brad wants to get on the show for any other reason than to just bang random new chicks?  At least Kovacs and Dave would own up to their true intentions.  And they’d be a hell of a lot hotter to watch. [Mmmmm abs mmmmm.]  ABC wouldn’t even need a mansion to film out of.  Just leave these two shirtless next to a pool and ratings would never be higher!

Cape Cod Chris (aka Chris L. from Ali’s season)

Awww!  Easily one of the most precious contestants in a long time, Chris was shot down in favor of some baseball stud from Charleston (what was his name again? Manuelo? Ricardo?).  Ali’s loss could have been our gain, but Chris Harrison dropped the ball.  Rumor is Chris L. wasn’t that into the sudden-celebrity thing. I just don’t think Mr. Harrison tried hard enough.

Seann William Scott

Well, we know he needs a career boost.  And he’s totally single.  If the Bachelor turned into some sick American Pie hybrid it would be like that car wreck you can’t look away from.  Bonus points because you know one of the girls, when asked to leave, would be all like, “Dude, where’s my rose?

Reid Rosenthal from Jillian’s season

Seriously, who didn’t love Reid?  He was the cute realtor from Philadelphia who, after being denied a rose, went back to Jillian and proposed anyway.  That’s not stalkerish, that’s going after what you want!

Ryan Seacrest

For two reasons.  First, he would give Chris Harrison a run for his money and the show just might turn into a battle of the super hosts.  (“And my final rose goes to….. we’ll find out after the break.”) Second, because when the girls went home to meet Ryan’s mother she’d have to reveal more of his shameful childhood pictures.  Chubby Ryan Seacrest always wins.

Cory Monteith

I’m sure the guy could use a break from Glee.  And he’s just so yummy looking. And Canadian. The Bachelor: The Musical would definitely break ratings records and I just might sign up myself for a chance at a song-a-gram inspired proposal.  Don’t stop believin’, ladies.

Jesse Csincsak from Deanna’s season

He won, they got engaged…and then they had a very public breakup where Jesse bitched Deanna out on YouTube.  Okay, well at least we know he’s comfortable “being himself” in front of a camera!

Uh, or they could just find someone new…
It might actually be a good thing to get a little fresh blood on this show.  Then again, anything would be a good thing when compared to watching twenty hours of Brad Womack seduce trashy women.

….And in the end, Dave and Natalie won the $250,000.

The finale of The Bachelor Pad was surprisingly low-key compared to the rest of the season.  Minimal tears, not one drunk person…even the “tell-all” question sesh was less than juicy.  So we found out Dave used to smack talk about the older contestants on the show. Seriously, who cares?

The big excitement came for me not while the couples were dancing (or in Kovacs and Elizabeth’s case, awkwardly looking at each other), when Tenley was baby talking (which was the whole show) or when Kovacs announced he was single (um, call me!), but rather when we got to see Gia and Wes reunited.  Any leftover hatred I had harbored for Wes from Jillian’s Bachelorette season had evaporated early on in the Bachelor Pad.  But, let it be known, tonight I transitioned to full on loving him.  Come on, was the man not totally precious!?

I may be paraphrasing, but do you remember when he said, “What’s $250,000 when I’ve got a million bucks sitting right next to me?” and then looked over at Gia.  Okay- one, two, three…awwwwwwwww!  Please know that right after I write this I’m going to put in The Notebook and cry into big bottle of seltzer (perhaps with a little vodka, just for fun).

All this got me thinking, though.  If you were on the show and had to date these men, who do you think would be the most capable of holding a successful relationship?  The least?  At the beginning of the season, I would have told you there was no way Dave could ever be loyal to one girl, even in a competitive arena.  I also would have told you I’d date Jesse B. in a hot second.  And then we learned Jesse likes to pick other people’s noses and I quickly changed my mind.

Having watched what feels like a hundred hours of these people’s trials and tribulations, I think I know everyone well enough now to formulate a more solid opinion.  We all know Kiptyn is BF material, but frankly he bores me so I’m really not interested.  And putting Wes aside, because that would be too obvious, I think Kovacs and Dave are genuinely decent guys.  Throw them a couple of sane, attractive girls and I have full confidence they’d make it work.  We already saw that Dave has the ability to be quasi-monogamous.  His partner in bromance, Jesse Kovacs, wouldn’t be far behind in the dating arena if he wasn’t hanging around with idiots.

On the other hand, Weatherman and Craig still totally gross me out and I wouldn’t touch them with a ten-foot poll.  Not even if they were holding out Louis Vuitton bags filled with cash, just for me.

What are your thoughts, intelligent CollegeCandy readers?  Which guys were shoveling out the BS and which were down-to-earth this season on The Bachelor Pad?

My fingers are crossed that this show was a wild success and will be coming back for a second season. (Editor’s Note: it should – somehow it has a higher rate of creating successful relationships than the Bachelor and Bachelorette combined….) Until then, I hope I won’t be alone in missing Chris Harrison and lusting for Melissa’s sparkly dresses!

There are plenty of things I’ll miss about the summer. But the bad TV won’t be one of them. I don’t know about you ladies, but I don’t think I’d be able to survive another week of badly written summer dramas, or so-good-it’s-bad-but-it’s-really-really-bad reality TV. Thankfully, the television gods must have heard our prayers (and our curses when we saw Wipeout was on AGAIN) and have brought back all our favorite shows.

So set your DVRs and mentally prepare yourself for all the excitement (!!!), because here’s a list of what to watch, and when.

The Show You Won’t Admit You’re Watching: Vampire Diaries
Premieres: Thursday, September 9, 8:00 p.m. on The CW

Where We Left Off: Stefan, Damon, Elena, and Bonnie manage to save the town from angry vampires and walk away unscathed, just in time for Damon to show Elena his softer side, and sneak in a quick kiss too. The only problem? It wasn’t Elena. In what was easily one of the most shocking season finales, Katherine, Elena’s doppelganger, and the Salvatore brothers’ first love, returns to kill Uncle John Gilbert. While John lies in a pool of his own blood, Elena’s brother Jeremy attempts to turn himself into a vampire. Elsewhere, Caroline has been rushed to surgery after a potentially fatal car accident and Tyler attempts to figure out what made him crash the car in the first place. Catch a glimpse of the new season here.

The Show You Can’t Stop Watching: Gossip Girl
Premieres: Monday, September 13, 9:00 p.m. on The CW

Where We Left Off: When we last left off, Gossip Girl was going full circle. Three seasons later little Jenny Humphrey lost her virginity to Chuck Bass, the same Chuck Bass who tried to do more than kiss her at the Kiss on the Lips party back in the pilot. When Blair found out, she banished Chuck from her life and banished Jenny all the way to Hudson to live with her mother. Back in Brooklyn, Dan and Serena shared a kiss that resulted in Nate returning to his man whore roots and Serena jetting off to Paris with her bestie, Blair. Oh and Chuck? His life is currently hanging in the balance after he was mugged and shot.  Watch the promo here.

The Show Everyone’s Watching: Glee
Premieres: Tuesday, September 21, 8:00 p.m. on Fox

Where We Left Off: Quinn delivered her baby. And Rachel’s birth mother adopted her. Puck admitted he loved Quinn. Finn admitted he loved Rachel. Mr. Schuster made a play for Miss Pillsbury. In the midst of all of this, New Directions performed at regionals. And lost. But everyone’s favorite villain, Sue Sylvester, managed to find them funding for another year. Adding to these already complicated plot lines, Season 2 brings new characters, new songs, and an episode dedicated entirely to the musical magic of Britney Spears (1.0). Want to hear some new tunes? Check out the promo.

The Show You’re Not Watching: Life Unexpected
Premieres:  Tuesday, September 14, 9:00 p.m. on The CW

Where We Left Off: Chances are, you’re not watching this show, but you should be. Life Unexpected premiered last January with ten heartwarming episodes. This mid-season show tells the story of Lux, a fifteen year old foster child who, after applying for emancipation, ends up back in the care of the people who gave her up. Enter Cate Cassidy and Nathaniel “Baze” Bazile, who know nothing about parenting. In fact, they don’t even know each other, outside of one backseat hookup at Homecoming. Add in Cate’s finance Ryan, and a couple of quirky characters you’ve got a can’t-miss-it show. Check it out here.

The Show You Don’t Know Why You’re Watching: Grey’s Anatomy
Premieres: Thursday, September 23, 9:00 p.m. on ABC

Where We Left Off: Last season’s finale was “game changing,” at least that’s how executive producer, Shonda Rhimes, describes it. I just call it jaw dropping. When a shooter runs ramped throughout the hospital, Derek is shot, and Meredith miscarries the baby her husband didn’t even know they were having. Meanwhile, the tragedy brings other couples closer. Callie and Arizona reunite, and Owen finally chooses Cristina, while Mark chooses Lexie. But who does Lexie choose? And how will Dr. Bailey and Dr. Webber fit into all of this? Oh, and are any of those pesky Mercy Westers (the ones that survived the finale) sticking around? Catch up on everyone’s favorite drama here.

Other Returning Favorites Worthy of Space on your DVR:

90210: The CW, Monday, September 13, 8:00 p.m.

One Tree Hill: The CW, Tuesday, September 14,  8:00 p.m.

Dancing With the Stars: ABC,  Monday, September 20, 8:00 p.m.

Modern Family, ABC, Wednesday, September 22, 9:00 p.m.

Cougar Town: ABC, Wednesday, September 22, 9:30 p.m.

The Big Bang Theory: CBS, Thursday, September 23,  8:00 p.m.

Private Practice: ABC, Thursday, September 23, 10:00 p.m.

Community: NBC, Thursday, September 23, 8:00 p.m.

Extreme Makeover: ABC, Sunday, September 26, 8:00 p.m.

Desperate Housewives: ABC, Sunday, September 26, 9:00 p.m.

Brothers & Sisters: ABC, Sunday, September 26, 10:00 p.m.

The Good Wife: CBS, Tuesday, September 28, 10:00 p.m.

Amidst your old favorites, there are always some new faces. It’s true for the first day of classes and it’s true for the Fall television schedule. With so many new faces this season, though, it’s not easy to decide which shows deserve that coveted slot on your DVR and which ones aren’t even worth a line on your TV guide.

CollegeCandy is here to help you sort them out. We’ve picked five new shows you won’t want to miss this year. Get your popcorn (or cookie dough – we don’t judge) ready, because Fall TV starts NOW.

Hellcats
Premieres: Wednesday, September 8, 9:00 p.m. on The CW

What It’s About: When college student Marty Perkin’s financial aid gets dropped thanks to budget cuts, the overachiever has to find a way to pay up or drop. Desperate for a way to stay in school, Marty turns to cheerleading, and the full scholarship that comes with a place on the team. With an attitude more punk than prep and some hardcore gymnastic moves, Marty lands herself a place on the team. But can she keep it? And does she want to?

Why You Should Watch It: Okay, so it’s not the most compelling storyline ever, but this has Bring It On written all over it. And, come on, you know you love that movie/always wished someone would turn it into a TV show. Marty is this year’s Missy. And you don’t want to miss that. Watch the promo here.

Nikita
Premieres: Thursday, September 9, 9:00 p.m. on The CW

What It’s About: Rescued from death row as a teenager by a secret government association, Nikita was given a new chance at life. A life as a spy and an assassin.  She suffered through the training and played by their rules, but still managed to fall in love with a civilian.  When Division, the government agency that recruited her, found out, they killed her fiancé and covered up his death. Fueled by her desire for revenge, Nikita escapes, making it her mission to not only expose Division, but put an end to it.

Why You Should Watch It: Critics have been giving this thriller rave reviews all summer long. The second television adaption of  La Femme Nikita holds its own against its predecessors just as well as Nikita holds her own against her enemies in nothing more than a string bikini. Your DVR could use a dose of female empowerment, don’t you think? Watch the promo here.

Boardwalk Empire
Premieres: Sunday, September 17, 8:00 p.m. on HBO

What It’s About: It’s 1920. The war is over, Wall Street is booming, and everyone thinks they can rule the world. The show stars Nucky Thompson, part politician and part gangster,  making a name for himself in an anti-prohibition Atlantic City. He does business with everyone from Big Jim Colosimo to Lucky Luciano to Al Capone.

Why You Should Watch It: It’s an HBO show. It’s written by Terrence Winter, the same man who brought you The Sopranos. And it’s directed by Martin Scorsese. If that doesn’t convince you to give this a shot, nothing will. Watch the promo here.

My Generation
Premieres: Thursday, September 23, 8:00 p.m. on ABC

What It’s About: Meet the class of 2010, ten years later.This documentary-style drama takes you into the lives of these high school graduates ten years after the fact to find out how much has really changed, and how much still needs to.

Why You Should Watch It: The high school reunion show has been done before, both in the world of drama and in the world of reality. But this strange mix of fiction that feels like fact hasn’t. And it just might work. If for no other reason, tune in to take a look back at the year 2000 and all the horrible fashion that came with it. Watch the promo here.

No Ordinary Family
Premieres: Tuesday, September 28, 8:00 p.m. on ABC

What It’s About: The Powells were just an ordinary family. Until their plane crashed into contaminated water. Now Dad’s indestructible, Mom’s super-speeding through her daily routine, their daughter can read her friends’ minds and their son is acting even more brainy than usual. Watch as this ordinary family comes to terms with their extraordinary powers.

Why You Should Watch It: They’re a family with superpowers. A teenage girl with mental telepathy. A teenage boy who can breeze through his geometry homework. A father who turns his garage into a lair. And a mother super-speeding through her day to find time for work and family. Only hysterical things can come of this. Plus, Heroes got canceled, so you know you need something to fill that superhero shaped hole in your heart. Watch the promo here.

Got any other new shows you think are worth watching? Share them below! Lord knows I have plenty of time to fill when I’m not in class this semester.

"This is not going to be the most dramatic rose ceremony yet. In fact, it might be the most predeictable."

Monday’s Bachelor Pad finally proved that the popular girls will always win. And homely (relatively speaking, of course), single girls will always go home alone…in stretch limos….to their cats.

After 25 minutes of pacing and pretending that they weren’t going to choose the girls they’ve boned, the guys booted out the extra female stragglers and were forced to commit to one lady for the rest of the season.  There were no surprises.  The juiceheads and Kipytn guys held all the cards.  Gwen finally left.  Elizabeth called her out for being in her 40s (like we couldn’t guess).  I shed a tear because I think poor Gwen was the only normal person there.  You know, minus the copious amounts of plastic surgery and her bejeweled rose tee shirt and whatnot.

While I readily embrace the new dynamic of the game (what? I like watching 120 minutes of sloppy makeout sessions every Monday – it takes me back to my freshman frat party days), I do so with a skeptical eye.  Initially, I had Kiptyn pegged to win this whole thing, as did most people.  But now I’m not so sure.  With next week’s episode being the finale, I figured we should take a look at the odds each duo has for winning the $250k.

Kiptyn & Tenley
Pros: No one would ever have them pegged as the vicious, backstabbing kind.  In a future vote, should one occur, their word would be golden among the other competitors.  Should they decide to switch their votes at the last minute, no one would see it coming and it could seriously work to their advantage.

Additionally, if I recall correctly, Tenley used to be a Disney Princess (no joke) and danced in shows for little kids.  This could give her an edge with next week’s ballroom dancing challenge.

Cons: Tenley referring to them as “Kip-Ten” is the ultimate male ego deflator.  Also, Tenley thinking Dave and Natalie’s date was going to be on a spaceship doesn’t bode well for her IQ, should it be called upon.

Kovacs & Elizabeth
Before I discuss these two, can I just say that their exchanges in this episode were classic.  Let it be noted everywhere, Elizabeth does not want to simply get railed.  The woman would like a little romance, please.  It was called the Fantasy Suite, after all.  Okay, had to get that out.  Moving along.

Pros: They’re the most entertaining people left in the house.  You know watching them learn to dance is going to be Emmy-worthy.  Will they win?  Probably not.  Do I care?  Not really.

Cons: As Kovacs pointed out, dear Liz has a screw loose. She’s one fry short of a Happy Meal. She puts the “crazy” in “crazy girl with bad implants.” See where I’m going with this?

Dave & Natalie
Pros: They’re both kinda whorey.  If this were a blow job contest, Natalie would totally win.  But alas, it’s not, so…

Cons: Dave’s massive temper might trip him up when it comes time for the fancy footwork; Natalie is clearly more emotionally invested in this pairing than Dave….and has said so at least 97 times; She has horrible hair…can that be a con?  I think so.  And lastly, Dave’s bromance with Kovacs is going to end in disaster, you mark my words.

So this is it, you guys!  We’re down to the final sets of idiots who have kissed, puked, and cried their way to the top.  Next week Chris Harrison will be handing over a mighty hefty check to one of these (deserving?) couples.  Who do you think it’s going to be?

Yesterday was a busy day for me. I worked, I went to the dentist (and discovered I have 2 cavities….awesome), I worked out, and then I came home to settle in and watch a little Bachelor Pad (though, my friends all thought I was working more; I don’t need to hear their judgments about how I spend my evenings).

Besides feeling a whole lot dumber after 2 hours of those shenanigans (not sure if it’s Tenley’s shrieks or Wes’s confusion between math and science that did it…), I felt horribly uncomfortable for the entire episode. Like watching Michael Scott try to make a sale uncomfortable. Or watching an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Or watching my brother try to scam on chicks.

There were so many awkward moments, I broke out in a sweat. It was so bad that while I normally fast forward through commercials, I welcomed the breaks from sloppy kisses and boob flashing with open arms.

Allow me to take you on a trip down Cringe-worthy Lane:

The Kissing Contest: Unless I’m drunk and dancing on top of a speaker that is blasting Madonna’s Like a Prayer at deafening decipals, I do not need to see a bunch of people sloppily making out. I don’t really need to see them then either, but at least I don’t care quite as much.

Elizabeth’s Kissing Contest Noises: There comes a time in everyone’s life when a kiss is so good, so passionate, so earth shattering, that you can’t help but “mmmmm.” I’d like to think that lining up 6 guys by a pool on national television is not that moment. Elizabeth disagrees. So. uncomfortable.

The Weatherman Describing the Kiss With Peyton: Poor Weatherman – no matter how hard he tries, he’s just painfully awkward and uncomofortable. Good news for him, though: while watching him, I get painfully awkward and uncomfortable too. Like when he was describing in detail his kiss with Peyton to the other guys…who find him creepy and annoying. “Her soft lips…. her delicate kiss…” I’m surprised homeboy didn’t need to excuse himself to take care of the heat wave settling in down south.

Gia’s Relationship with Wes: Can someone please explain how Gia can bow out of a kissing contest because she loves her boyfriend but has no problem snuggling up with a cowboy and his guitar? And don’t even get me started on how she flips out on Nikke for lying and saving Kiptyn when Gia did the EXACT SAME THING TO CRAIG LAST WEEK.

OMG, I need to stop watching this show….

Natalie: No, her whipping her top off in the pool with 3 other people didn’t make me uncomfortable. Actually, she doesn’t make me uncomfortable at all. I just hate her and her fake blonde hair and “I’m a free spirit because I think guys like that” sorta attitude. Barf.

Tenley Jumping into Kiptyn’s Bed: Did Tenley stop maturing or advancing at all when she was 7? Seriously, this girl is challenged. Mentally. I shuddered when she hopped into Kiptyn’s bed. I guffawed when he tried to explain to her why he didn’t want to snuggle. I curled up in the fetal position when she just laid there, fake smile plastered on her face, and told him “We don’t have to cuddle.” Well duh, Tenley – that’s what he’s trying to say.

Jesse B. and Peyton’s Fantasy Suite Card: Uh, what? The Bachelor Pad peeps couldn’t give those two that card in private? And WTF? Dave Good and Natalie get some massive villa in Las Vegas and Jesse and Peyton just get a bed upstairs in the mansion? After springing for not one but TWO private jets back from Las Vegas, don’t you think they could have at least gotten them some room at a Holiday Inn up the street?

Gia’s Earring/Headband Combo at the rose ceremony: Too. Much. Sparkle. It made my head hurt.

I’d like to say that I’ll never watch this sh*tshow again, but I think we all know that’s not true. Especially since I was up for an extra hour last night trying to figure out who Gia’s boyfriend is (or was….) and if she’s dating Wes now. FML.

Who knew the girl could eat?

Another week, another train wreck, am I right?

There were so many life lessons packed into last night’s Bachelor Pad.  For example, all breathing sounds like heavy breathing when you’ve got a 200 lb dude laying on top of you and your mic.  The shower is not a private place.  Pie is gross, but throwing up is not necessarily a turn-off….

While I appreciated these gems of wisdom, I felt like the episode served an even larger purpose for setting the pace for the rest of the season. More than anything we learned that, much like Fight Club, the Bachelor Pad has a few rules by which you must abide if you want to succeed at the game.

The first Rule of Bachelor Pad is to never shoot smoke up Gia’s butt.
Her words, and eloquent they are.  Wes, I do believe she was looking at you when this winner of a phrase made its BP premier.  For your sake, I hope you take heed.  But judging by the season previews, you whip out that damn guitar and recycle the song you wrote for Jillian.  They say love, it don’t come easy to smoke-shooting man whores.

The second Rule of Bachelor Pad is to never do anything Jesse B. doesn’t approve of.
Because one minute he’ll be all up on you next to a luxurious pool, and the next he won’t even be able to speak your name or form a coherent sentence.  It’s just…like, uh…he ummm…heard.  From someone.  That, uhhh…Natalie was being flirtatious with some of the other guys.  No sh*t, Jesse.  It’s a game where you’re basically seducing people to vote for your enemies.  We all saw what happened there.  Gia turned your head and you wanted an easy out from things with Nat.  Typical guy.

The third Rule of Bachelor Pad is to not hook up with Elizabeth.
She’s still crazy.  And lady gets attached.  Like claws in, hanging on for dear life attached.  Poor Kovacs is really getting the Fatal Attraction treatment.  What I don’t understand is why he just doesn’t get all the guys together and vote her off already.

The fourth Rule of Bachelor Pad is to keep all your organs.
Krisily couldn’t participate in the pie-eating contest because she has no gallbladder.  Seems like a legit excuse.  She didn’t ask for special treatment, just quietly bowed out of the challenge.  Well, let me tell you.  Did Chris Harrison care?  Please, he was ready to escort her to the limo and see her home.  Did David care?  He told the camera she needed to suck it up and eat the damn pie anyway.  Bottom line: there is no compassion on BP (unless you’re Tenley and cry over everything).

The fifth Rule of Bachelor Pad is that Gwen isn’t as dumb as she looks.
But Weatherman is.  I’m wondering if he thought he stood the greatest chance at a hook-up if he channeled his energy toward Gwen.  Or is he just blind to her age and plastic surgery?  Either way, Gwen may look dumb and desperate, but she does not want any of that.  And thank God!

You think these crazy kids are going to abide by the Rules of Bachelor Pad?  Who’s your favorite cast member so far?  Are you Team Outsiders or Team Insiders?  So much weighing in that needs to be done!  Sound off below.