A relationship often requires a bit of sacrifice and a lot of compromise. We all have to learn to accept and roll with aspects of our partner, or his/her life, that we don’t always understand or necessarily agree with. That’s called maturity, right? And building intimacy? I think…Now, those things aside there comes a point where you might just need to say “Hell no!” and walk off into the freedom of singledom again. Here are 11 things that no woman should ever put up with in a relationship…

initiating the gallery...

There you have 11 things that no woman should ever put up with in a relationship. Some more severe than others, perhaps. And I’ll admit to a bit of personal bias on a few of them. My question to you, ladies, is which of these HAVE you put up with in the past? Which haven’t you? What are your deal breakers? What are your big no-no’s? Spill all in the comments below and let’s making this a learning experience for everyone. Silence need not fall.

Handling the truth,

The Dude

I’m the Dude with a blue box called the Tardis that allows me to explore the ends of time and space-wait that’s another guy with a ‘D’ sounding name isn’t it? Better than that, I’m a Dude that knows the inner workings of Dudes and I’m ready to spill all, whether you’re ready or not. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com.

Relationships can be great — always having someone to cuddle with, vent to, and share your favorite things with – but unfortunately things don’t always go as smoothly as planned. Sometimes once you get to know a person — once you spend more than a few month’s worth of sexy nights with them — you realize that maybe things aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.

Let’s get really honest for a second — most of us have stayed in a relationship or two far past its expiration date. Sometimes we get too blinded by the bright shiny light of love to realize when a relationship has become toxic and needs to be over. Breaking up isn’t easy, I know, but sometimes you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do.

If you’re having problems figuring out whether to stay or go, here are some things that scream “it’s over”… or should be.

Abuse. Under no circumstances should you be staying with a person who is emotionally, physically, or sexually abusive. You can do better, I promise. If your partner is hurting you in any way, get out — and fast. If you need some help, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).

Lack of respect. For you, your space, your family, your friends, your dreams, the list goes on. Respect is one of the most basic of things you should be expecting from a significant other, and if that’s not there it’s time to pack your bags.

Lackluster sex. Sure, this seems shallow, but if you can’t imagine having sex with only this person on a long-term basis, it’s probably best to get out. Some things can be remedied — spice things up and get a little kinky — but if you’re sexually incompatible (find out here!), it’s better to end it now than to drag it out.

They don’t support you. Sure, your dream of being a skydiving instructor may be a little extreme, but that doesn’t give your partner an excuse to crap all over it. If your partner is completely unsupportive of your goals, hopes, or ambitions; you’re not dating a person who is worth your time.

No love. If, after a reasonable amount of time, you’re just not feeling those feelings of love or a desire for a long-term commitment, you should probably break it off. Pro tip: a break-up after three months typically hurts much less than a break-up after three years.

Cheating. Whether it was you or your partner, cheating means you need to seriously reevaluate your relationship. Why did it happen? Can you be positive it will never happen again? Will your relationship honestly be able to recover? — Just some things to think about.

Liar, Liar. How can you know your true feelings if your relationship is based on lies? Regardless of who happens to be the guilty party, lying is a big hint that a relationship is slowly but surely going down the drain. Remember my point about respect? If someone truly respects you, they will tell you the truth.

Different directions. One of the best parts of being in a relationship is the hypothetical future you can make up together. Not only is it fun, but it’s also a good way to feel out whether or not your ideas of a future match up — do you both want kids? Do you want to live in the same places? There’s no point continuing a relationship that is going to come to a head once the big decisions come up, so if you find yourself dating someone with a very different future in mind, you should break it off.

No direction. Another thing you can learn from that hypothetical game is whether or not you even want a future with the person you’re dating. Can’t see it going anywhere? Do the right thing and break it off —  that is, unless the other person feels the same way too.

Just because. Sometimes you don’t need to have a reason, sometimes it’s just over. Save both of you the drawn-out, emotionally draining break-up and just get it over with. And remember: quick like a band-aid, and don’t look back.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’m a nineteen-year-old sophomore.  I have been seeing this guy R for almost a year.  He doesn’t go to my college but he did go to a tech school close to his hometown.  I really like him and he really likes me (he tells me all the time), but he is really insecure and is under is Dad’s thumb. For as long as R can remember his dad has been telling him he’ll never amount to anything.  On top of that, his dad is mentally, emotionally, verbally and physically abusive towards him, his siblings and his mom.

R tells me all the time that he will NEVER be like his father (and if he starts I’ll be LONG GONE).  R’s mom doesn’t really say much but I know she thinks that I’m good for him, but his Dad has a MAJOR problem with me.  I think it’s because I ‘empower’ R to stand up to his Dad, not only for himself but for his mom (he got in his Dad’s face one day when R’s dad started yelling at his mom).  And he has given his Dad a black eye when he started messing with me.  Soooo, I think because of this, R’s dad is trying to keep me away from him.  What in the world do I do about his dad?  I am very respectful and I do as I am told (my parents’ upbringing) and I know what to do on a farm.  What do I do?

Always yours,
What’s up with him?

Dear What’s Up,

Um…I’m glad you know what to do on a farm. That’s…reassuring.

Okay, here’s what you do: NOTHING. You hear me, kiddo?! R’s relationship with his dad is NOT YOUR BUSINESS.

I mean, yes, okay. You care about him, and you want him to be well. Therefore, you must be a good and supportive girlfriend, yes? Give him a place to crash if things get bad at home. Listen to him when he needs to talk about it. And definitely, as you say, “empower” him to not put up with his dad’s crap.

BUT!!! Do NOT tell him to give his dad a black eye. (Um, do you REALLY want your emotionally raw, physically abused boyfriend to start getting punchy?! Answer: NO.) Do NOT tell him to stand up to his dad. Do NOT TELL HIM TO DO ANYTHING.

You’re 19 and you’ve been dating this guy for less than a year. You have absolutely no idea what floop is actually going on with this family. I guarantee you, no matter what he’s told you, there are secrets that you won’t find out for years to come (or, you know, ever). You don’t know what kind of consequences any of your actions might have, and do you know why? Because you have absolutely no way to become informed.

It’s like…say you wanna buy a toaster. Right? So you go into the store. But your internet’s down, and all the brochures in the world have been burned. You know, the usual. So, instead of waiting to see what the actual info is, you buy whichever toaster seems like the best choice based on a few glances up and down the aisle. And you take it home and set it up–and it burns your house down.

Yeah. That’s right. And all your little shoes, too.

Okay, you get my point.

R needs to get away from his dad, for sure. Unfortunately, it sounds like his presence is also protecting his mother, which is very sad but unfortunately very common.

Here’s what you CAN do for R:

(1) Help him make a plan. This is like his, you know, getaway vehicle and shoop. He gots to have a place to go, and he gots to go there. So the two of you can start figuring out a budget for him, what kind of job he can get (and he’s got to actually get it), and where he can get a place to stay (pref not with you–it’s a little early, donchathink?).

(2) Find some brochures on domestic abuse and/or domestic abuse hotlines. Here are a couple of places to start:

National Domestic Violence Hotline: http://www.thehotline.org/

Safe Horizon: http://www.safehorizon.org/

On the domestic abuse stuff, and this is very important: DO NOT GIVE THEM TO R’S MOTHER!!! Give them to R and HE should give them to her. It’s too humiliating coming from you, and, frankly, it’s not really your place to point it out. Coming from you, it’s judgmental. Coming from R, it’s loving.

Seriously, basically, you need to stay AWAY from R’s dad. Stop hanging out at their house. Avoid avoid avoid. And DO NOT MEDDLE. This is R’s family, not yours. All you can do is help steer him in the right direction.

And, dear readers, please–if you or someone you love is being abused, seek help before it’s too late. You can start at the sites above, or get some more info at here. It can get better. Get help.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

[Got anything to add to Tuffy's advice? Let it all out below. Oh, and get more Tough Love right here. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing.]

Love’s heartbreaking death gained immense media attention. The fact that two collegiate athletes, enrolled at a prestigious university, were involved in such a catastrophic and horrific event blew the minds of the media. However, their tumultuous relationship, soaked with alcohol-fueled fights, is far from exceptional.

In college, at least 32% of females have been involved in an abusive relationship of some kind. Although the abuse can be categorized as physical or emotional, it is equally disturbing in either form. The stories of abuse will never don the cover of People magazine or be number one on Google trends. But, they deserve just as much attention and concern as Love and Huguely’s relationship.

Abusive relationships are tricky, especially at this age. There are copious resources at universities that protect victims from terrible outcomes. But, students are often too scared to tell on their partner or friend’s partner because the social repercussions would be terrible.

For instance, a friend of mine had been dating a boy for several months. After a debaucherous night, he “accidentally” struck her across the face. At the time of the event, I was livid. I talked with her and begged her to leave him, but I did nothing beyond that. He went to AA, claiming the alcohol had caused his problems, and vowed to never hurt my friend again.

As he attempted to reform his life, she stayed with him. I remained supportive of their relationship, truly believing he would never touch her badly if he remained sober. However, he is drinking again (heavily, mind you) and his girlfriend doesn’t seem concerned. He hasn’t been violent toward her since the first incident. But, I sometimes fear he will blackout and attack again.

These kinds of situations are extremely fragile. One misstep and you can shatter your friend’s trust. So, it’s important to know what to do when a friend is wrapped up in an unhealthy relationship.

Go directly to her first Discuss your views (and worries) about her relationship. Ask her if it’s worth it. Force her to think about the pros and cons of her relationship. If it’s emotional abuse, gently remind her that that can be just as oppressive as something physical. Forcing her to tease out her feelings and speak of her relationship out loud can be extremely clarifying.

Intervene When things are physically violent, there is a point that you, as a friend and outsider, need to get involved. This usually means taking it a step beyond simply talking to your friend. Talk to her boyfriend, stick up for her when he publicly degrades her. If he touches her negatively in front of you, say something. Not only will this raise his attention about his treatment of her, but it will raise others as well.

Take threats seriously When he drunkenly yells at or harshly texts your friend, don’t shrug it off. Refuse to let her go home with him that night. Be an annoying cockblock. In the morning, she will be thankful.

Stay away from drugs In the case of Yeardley Love, her friends did as much as they thought they could. Yeardley broke up with Huguely and had freed herself from his grip. However, as is typical in college, Huguely responded with a temper and a ton of alcohol. In these kinds of relationships, it’s important to help your friend stay away from drug or alcohol-influenced exes and completely cut them off.

Don’t be afraid to get professional help Campus resources that assist students (particularly females) coping with relationship violence should not be shrugged off. And, by bringing out the big guns, you can genuinely shape your friend’s future. Yes, it can be a burden and puts you in an awful position. But she may be too blind to see how absolutely unhealthy and frightening her relationship is. And, it’s your job to instill bravery – and support – within her.

If you are unsure of how to handle a friend who is involved in an abusive relationship, call your campus’ resource center. Or, call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline. You can get professional advice to help you and your friend without having to face the social shunning that can occur when you get a fellow student suspended or expelled. However, when you feel a line is physically crossed, you need to report it to your university immediately — before it escalates any further.

Let her know she is not alone Remind her that she can leave the relationship — that she can say no to the man — and not feel deserted or lost. Because, at the end of the day, she has you to fall back on. It’s your job to be her courage and her support system.

Be prepared to lose a friend Sometimes, your friend may be so blind to the realities of her relationship that she refuses to listen to you. Sometimes, that refusal can turn into a hatred. You cannot predict what will happen when you confront your friend; all you can do is share your love and concern and hope they accept it.

You may have to act as some superwoman, putting yourself in danger for your friend. But, when you care enough about someone, it’s worth it in the end.

I am so sick and tired of hearing about Jesse James trying to apologize and make up excuses for why he decided to cheat on Sandra Bullock, America’s favorite sweetheart. It’s bad enough that he cheated on Sandy with multiple women, but the fact that he’s going to the media (i.e People Magazine, Nightline) and explaining what prompted him to cheat (apparently his Dad was abusive to him as a child) just proves that he needs to grow a pair and be held solely responsible for his actions.

During his Nightline interview, James explained that one of the main reasons he cheated on Sandy was because as a child, his father was emotionally and physically abusive to him, going as far as breaking his arm and beating him. Although I do think abuse is an extremely touchy subject and it would be stupid to make up stories about abuse, I don’t even know what to believe anymore. Here, the fault lies in not only James but also Nightline. By granting him an interview and allowing him to share his side of the story, the public is encouraged to sympathize with him and maybe even give him a free pass for his infidelities. It’s a win-win situation for both sides: Nightline gets the viewership and publicity of the interview and James gets more coverage and money in return.

Abuse or not, what people need to understand is that Jesse James initially made a vow to Sandra Bullock during their marriage and he was the one who chose to sleep with Bombshell McGee (the tattooed up adultress who, in desire for her 15 minutes of fame, blabbed her big mouth to the world). At the end of the day, by excusing his “transgressions” (ha!) to his father’s abuse, James is the coward copping out and not stepping up to his own responsibilities.

The same can be said for Lindsay Lohan, the actress we all love to hate. Lohan, who once used to be one of Hollywood’s most sought out actresses, is now a hot tranny mess who is shamefully wearing her SCRAM ankle bracelet. Many people blame her parents for her derailment, but honestly, she’s the one snorting all the coke and downing Vodka like it’s water. Lohan should really be taking advice from Drew Barrymore, who, after her stints in rehab and failed marriages, is now Hollywood’s Golden Girl.

Sucky parents or not, celebrities in the likes of James and Lohan need to realize that for all that they’re given in the world – a life of fame, luxury and money – they need to step up and seriously take some personal responsbilities to their action. I absolutely do not feel sorry for James and hope that he locks him and his junk away from the rest of the world and becomes eternally miserable for cheating on Miss Congeniality.

Suck it Jesse.

This article is nothing but a load of misogynistic crap about women being submissive to men. It open’s with: “Women like to be controlled and dominated. Don’t fool yourself into believing that they don’t. They do… Secretly all women desire to submit to the will of their man.”

Of course, he is sure to include a disclaimer: “First off, I’m not promoting any man to beat any woman. You can dominate her without putting the “smack down” on her.” That’s right boys, stick to verbally abusing your women, please.

And it only gets worse – much, much worse – from there.

How should a man respond when a women is nagging him? Because that’s all we ever do, right?
Miller suggests saying the following:  “WOMAN! Last time I checked I was the one with the penis in this house. You better go in that kitchen and get my dinner on the table!” Miller goes on to explain that if she tries to talk back and argue, “just shake your head no and point to the kitchen. She’ll get the message. By doing this you will subconsciously reinforce the fact that you are the dominant one in the household. You’re the man and your word is the only one that counts in the end.”
I say: Is this guy for real? Does he honestly think any self-respecting woman is going to just scurry off to the kitchen because the man with the penis said so?

And what about when you’re out shopping and she wants a new dress?
Miller suggests: “Look, you ain’t getting no new dress. Matter of fact, you be lucky if I took you to the thrift store and bought you a dress for fifty cent.”
I say: Apparently it is impossible to dominate a woman without also abusing the English language.

As if dominating women in the kitchen and at the store isn’t enough, Steve also thinks it’s important to dominate us in the bedroom.
Miller suggests: “Make sure you have her perform oral sex on you. She’s your wife and she should be willing to do that. It’s part of her being submissive. You must wear her out. You should wear her out.”
I say: I agree that a good partner should want to please you in the bedroom, but I don’t agree with raping your wife’s throat. And I most definitely don’t agree with not returning the favor.

Miller goes on: Even more important than getting a blow job, though, is making sure she makes you a sandwich afterward. Why? “The reason why you do this is prove that she has been thoroughly dominated and she will express this by submissively getting ‘her man a sandwich.’ Matter a fact, she should be telling her girlfriends ‘My husband, did it so good to me, he had me up making sandwiches and kool-aide after we got done. And I could barely even walk, girl.’”
I say: I feel sick…

Have you girls had any experience with men like this? Do you think there is ANY truth to the idea that women want to be dominated?

We haven’t heard much from Chris Brown since “the incident” before the Grammy’s, but if this new home video is anything, it’s his (shady) attempt to get back into our hearts and minds. Because he’s got a new album dropping. And a new single coming out this summer! And because he likes to bowl and is not a “monster.”

Fail.

Maybe it’s too little too late for me, or maybe it’s years of shunning the guys who ditched my girlfriends working against him, but I’m so not down with Chris Brown. (I am, however, totally down with rhyming.)  I also will not be down with buying his album, downloading his single, or requesting his songs on the radio. Mostly because I haven’t done that since I was in middle school and just had to hear the Titanic song.  Will I be able to avoid him completely?  No, of course not.  Just like you can’t avoid seeing that douchebag that screwed over your bestie freshman year strutting around campus.

Is Rihanna my bestie? No, most definitely not (but that would be pretty sweet, you gotta admit), but she’s a woman and I’m a woman, so there’s a connection there.  Considering what happened, I’d say that I’m gonna take her side even though I’ve never met her (and probably never will).

Nevertheless, this is a tricky topic.  Should we forgive Chris Brown and keep enjoying his music (despite that really lame video), or should his actions have an effect on his life and career foreeeeverrrr (sorry, couldn’t resist)?

What do you think?

It’s hard not to pay attention to all the Rihanna news that has been circulating lately. I’ve read it in the newspapers, in the tabloids, on the gossip sites, I’ve talked about it with my friends and even my professors, and still it’s hard to wrap my head around. It’s difficult to see anyone going through a hard time, but when it’s someone you have grown to admire and respect, it becomes that much more difficult.

There have been a number of issues that have been bothering me in the last few weeks that have followed the Chris Brown/Rihanna incident. It bothers me that her picture was released and splashed all over the place, it bothers me that Chris Brown showed little remorse after the alleged attack, and it bothered me that Rihanna went back to her attacker. But most of all, it bothered me that people are now turning on Rihanna and blaming her for what happened.

In a survey conducted by the Boston Public Health Commission, it was found that almost half of all teens surveyed (age 12 to 19) think that Rihanna is to blame for the assault. Of the 200 who were polled, 46% said that Rihanna was responsible, 52% said the media was treating Chris Brown unfairly, and 44% said fighting was a normal part of any relationship.

Rihanna’s police report said that  Chris brown tried to force her out of the car, and when that didn’t work he shoved her head into the car door. He then repeatedly punched her in the head while continuing to drive until he pulled over, threatened to kill her, threw her cell phone into the street and put her into a headlock until she began to lose consciousness.

Is that a normal part of any relationship? I feel like as more people begin to see this as “normal” behavior, the more acceptible it will become.

I will never understand why Rihanna went back to Chris Brown. It is one aspect of abusive relationships that will never make sense to me. It is hard for me to imagine someone who is as incredibly talented, beautiful and successful as Rihanna is, to not be able to see all the good things she deserves.

What I do know is that Rihanna should not be blamed for what happened. She should not be blamed for “destroying Chris Brown’s Career” as a significant portion of the surveyed teens suggested. She could not have done anything so terrible that anyone do that to her. I think its really important to realize this because as violence becomes more normalized as a form of punishment within a relationship, the more common its going to become.

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