If you weren’t one of the girls camped out for it, here’s what you missed.

Is it OK to Facebook-stalk your crush?

Uh Oh. Is Britney slipping again?

Best. headline. of all time.

Where do you put your purse? Ew.

Looks like Jake Pavelka isn’t quite the sweetie we all thought.

What is wrong with this girl?

In light of the recent engagement of mesh-shirt-wearing, Twitter-obsessed Michael Lohan and former Jon Gosselin flame Kate Majors (the chick who quit her job at Star Magazine because she had fallen in love with the deadbeat dad), we are forced to wonder: could Kate Major be in the Guinness Book for World Records for having the worst taste in men on this planet?

We thought so, but then we started thinking and, while sad and seemingly impossible, there are a few women out there who might be digging even deeper in the dung pit of horrible men. And here they are: the only 5 women on earth who have worst taste than Ms. Major.

Britney Spears:
How could we even start a list like this without this woman?  With the exception of Justin Timberlake (and hey, we don’t even know if he’s that awesome as a bf) her dating list has been a train wreck.  I mean, we owe the celebrity of KFed to her alone. And who can forget that time she invited paparazzi Adnan Ghalib to get a first-hand look at her life? Ugh, don’t even get me started on that facial hair. Brava, Britney, brava.

Jessica Simpson:
When she first came on the scene, we loved her as the newlywed to boybander Nick Lachey.  Precious.  But following the end of that marriage, it was stinker after stinker.  John Mayer?  Scum.  Tony Romo?  Engaged less than a year after their two-year relationship ends.  Billy Corgan?  …Weird.

Ashlee Simpson:
I guess when your dad is Joe Simpson you’re pretty much guaranteed to fall for dbags. When we first heard of Jessica’s punky younger sister she was dating Ryan Cabrera.  At the time, this wasn’t so bad, but seriously?  That guy?  We get it, your dad was managing him too, but his hair actually makes me angry.  Now, she’s happily wedded to…Pete Wentz.  Yes, that Pete Wentz, who wears more eyeliner than me, got a tattoo of his friend’s face on himself and has been known to walk around with a paper plate mask on to “fool” the paparazzi.  Good one, dude.  Wah wah.

Sandra Bullock:
Sorry, but home girl has to be on here. Sure, she’s had some pretty great guys in her past (Tate Donovan and Ryan Gosling, just to name some hotness), but her recent dud cancels all that out. From the facial hair to the tats to the whole “I’m secretly a neo-Nazi who likes to bang other women on my office couch,” Jesse James is pretty scumtastic. You know the guy is bad when I’d rather spend a night with Jon Gosselin than spend a minute breathing the same air as this guy.

Anyone Who’s Ever Been on Rock/Flavor of Love: Ok so for at least three seasons, women were falling all over themselves to get with either Bret Michaels or Flava Flav.  Yes, Flava Flav.  An aging rock star with extensions and tattooed eyeliner is pretty bad, but it has to be said, at least at one point Bret Michaels was hot.  Flava Flav looks like a tiny raisin wearing a clock around his neck.  That is like cartoon character status, but for some insane reason, skanks the world over want to be this guy’s lady.  That is the ultimate in bad taste.  Sorry hos, your time is up.

Like Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Recently, she has taken the dive into dating advice-hood and wrote a book full of her own dating tips. Yes, Jennifer Love-Hewitt, a perpetually single Hollywood “star” with a string of bad relationships is offering up advice on how to succeed in the dating world. Ironic? Yes. Disturbing? Just wait.

One piece of J-Love’s sage wisdom? To “vagazzle your vajayjay.” Yes, that’s exactly what you think it is. Ms. Hewitt wants you to bedazzle your goodies. Because nothing says love like a vagina with sequins glued on.

It’s obvious that Jennifer Love Hewitt is not someone any of us should be turning to for dating or love advice. In fact, there are quite a few ladies who probably shouldn’t be starting any Dear Abby columns any time soon. Here are five we should definitely avoid.

Jessica Simpson: There are three things you should keep out of a relationship: bowel dysfunctions, a crazy and clingy father (who makes comments about your boobs), and John Mayer.  This seems to be Jessica Simpson’s ideal love triangle.  This and the fact that she is weary about the diverse qualities of chicken and tuna leaves no reason for her to sprinkle her dating advice around the world.

Heidi Montag: Unless you’re life’s dream is to marry the biggest ass-hat known to man, I wouldn’t really turn to Ms. Montag-Pratt for advice. And if marrying Spencer Pratt isn’t bad enough, girlfriend recently attempted to trick her bearded lover into having children after “forgetting” to take her birth control.  Nothing say’s “healthy relationship” like this one, folks.

Angelina Jolie: Somehow, I am discovering “stealing someone else’s man and following up with a giant litter of children” isn’t valuable dating advice.  Or kissing your own brother.  Or tattooing your boyfriend’s name on your arm. Or wearing a vile of your boyfriend’s blood on your neck. I don’t know – something about that last one just seems really effing creepy a little clingy for my taste.

Britney Spears: Two words: Adnan Ghalib. One hyphenated “word”: K-Fed. Sure, there was a little Justin Timberlake in there at one point, but I’d say taking dating advice from Britney is like taking career advice from Lindsay Lohan. Or birth control advice from Octomom.

Kate Hudson: She has landed herself quite a few hotties (Owen Wilson, Dax Sherpard, Owen Wilson, Lance Armstrong, Owen Wilson, A-Rod, Owen Wilson again!?), but I don’t think any of us are looking for advice on how to break men’s fragile little hearts then go back again and again and again and break them into smaller and smaller bits.

And the ball kept rolling through 2009. Spears ditched the douche bags (who can forget Sam Lutfi and Adnan Ghalib?) and wigs, got back in the recording studio and went on a world tour. She secured an endorsement deal with Candies, she showed up on the cover of magazines again, she had multiple hits, and she got back partial custody of her children. Yeah, it was a pretty great year for Ms. Britney.

But I have to ask: despite all that, is Britney really back?

While she may have given up the hourly Starbucks runs and love affairs with the Paparazzi, I find it difficult to look at Britney as the mega super star I once stalked after a concert (true story – her giant body guard was not happy). I, like most young girls, idolized Britney. She was hot, world famous, a trend setter, talented, and her songs were the best.

Now, she’s hot, but after watching her self destruct, I can’t look at her and not see the very talented team that is so obviously dictating her every move.

Sure, she took a world tour, but her performances were mediocre.
Yeah, she’s had some major hits, but it’s impossible to ignore her manufactured voice.
And she may look super hot in those new Candies ads, but all I see is the girl who was put on Psych lockdown playing the part of a sexy pop starlet because that’s what she’s been told to do.

I think Britney’s people have done a great job of bringing her back this past year and I can’t thank them enough for “If You Seek Amy,” but I’ll never be able to put Britney back on the pedestal on which she once stood. Hard as I try, I can’t see her as the world’s pop princess, a fashion icon, or anything else she once represented.

I’ll still play her music while I work out and I’ll dance to it when I’m at the bar, but let’s face it, people: Britney 2.0 is just a watered down version of of greatness.

Clearly, Britney is still messed up in the head.

The truth about high school.

What’s gonna happen to Jon and Kate Plus 8?

We love party dresses!

Stay out of debt, people.

Wait. There’s a Scientology clothing line!?

First of all, even though my public high school was brimming with middle to upper class white kids, even middle to upper class white kids know that certain fashion decisions are worthy of an ass kicking; tight shirts with silk-screened skulls paired with multiple cross necklaces, random newsboy caps, giant sunglasses worn inside, and LANDING STRIPS ON ONE’S FACE are just a few of the things that Adnan wears with wild abandon that would surely mean his demise at my high school.

Secondly, carrying around an obvious pompous assh*le jerk vibe has been known to get certain idividuals thown into dumpters.  Very rarely, an obvious assh*ole jerk would climb the ranks and become a popular assh*ole jerk, but most of the time, Upperclassmen didn’t take too kindly to douchebags who walked around like they owned the place. I knew a kid Sophomore year who tried to hit on a Senior’s girlfriend (even though it was front page school news the senior was dating this chick) and that kid ended up taped to the flagpole — overnight.

Thirdly, nobody likes snitches.  In my high school, it was common for a dude to sleep with a girl and then brag about it, but attempting to make yourself more popular by talking about how you slept with the crazy girl and then taped it…bad news. A lot of guys can be d*cks, but most of them understand that taking advantage of someone who is obviously out of it is pure f*ckward material. What usually happened to pure f*ckwards in my high school is that they were never able to walk to their car alone, because if they did, chances are they’d be dragged onto the baseball field and pantsed for the whole school to see.

So yeah, Adnan might be walking around Hollywood like he owns the place (and a recorded piece of Britney history), but had he only gone to public high school in upstate NH, he would never be the true waste of space he is today.  In fact, he’d still probably be tied to that flagpole.

[To solidify my argument, I IM'd my brother while writing this article.  Below is further proof that Adnan would be destroyed]

Heath Ledger’s daughter is cute and taken care of

In case you’re sh*tting yourself about the bailout

Britney Spears sounds relatively normal

Sean Penn is confused in a lot of ways

Strangely frightening

Sam and Lindsay BOTH in binkis

Katie Holmes is actually good for theater

Megan Fox’s first toolish-looking boyfriend

What color looks best on you?

No Fly List baby

Letterman ain’t no John McCain fan

Here’s one way to get clean…

Looks like Ms. Spears has taken her pap bf (with the narly chin hair) back. It’s so cute! They both love hats!

I’d like to see someone try this and come out unscathed.

The more men that look like Zach Braff, the better chance I have of falling in love.

If your man is suddenly eating lots of watermelon, it’s probably not because he thinks its tasty.

A faster way to eat fast food.

Because this comes as a shock to….nobody.

Alternative breakfast ideas (that aren’t 8 gillion calories)

Talk about sibling rivalry….

Apparently, B. Spears’s mom wants to take her home to Louisiana once she’s released, to get her away from her paparazzi pals and the douche twins, Sam Lufti and Adnan Ghalib.

Hopefully, all of this will happen, and Britney will get better, and I will stop feeling a personal need to put her in a headlock and march her to rehab myself.

Adnan Ghalib. Britney’s maybe-maybe not-boyfriend.

I know he’s not really worth talking about, considering the fact that he’s selling his story before it’s even dry to national TV and is supposedly married. But I just can’t help myself. I must write this. I must purge this thought from my soul:

Adnan Ghalib has a landing strip on his face!!

Why has no one talked about this?! Why has no gossip blog explored the deep, cavernous chasm that is Ghalib’s utter ridiculousness? I mean, a thirty-five year old man who chases celebrities for a living? Who wears skull belts?! Who has / had a relationship with dirty, crazy Britney Spears?! Who proudly sports spiked hair a la 1998? WHO HAS A LANDING STRIP ON HIS FACE?!?

Whew.

Okay. I feel better now. Like a little bit of evil has just left my body.