Dear Jordan Powers,

Today, as I was lustily lounging in the luscious California sun, I heard about your secretive sexual affair with your balding babe of a teacher. As things got hot and humid, I also heard that your modest, meek town of Modesto has their purple polka-dotted panties all in a bunch. They’re upset because your titillating teacher is tastelessly taking off and leaving his wonderful wife and children. You’re an enchanting 18 year old, and he’s a fun 41 year old.

As all my fabulously flirtatious fans know, I love mature men. I created daring drama when I married my luscious, libidinous lover Doug Hutchinson a few marvelous, memorable months ago. He was manly and mature at 51, and I was a fresh, fierce fledgling at 16. Petty people put down our passion, but our lusty love was legitimate.

I’m a commendable Christian girl. My risqué romance had my parents’ benevolent blessing, and I remained arousingly, ardently abstinent until my wanton wedding day. But your mother found 8,000 tantalizing, taboo texts on your phone starting way back in the dangerous, dripping days of summer. Your passionate professor was still married then.

Adultery is a sin. There’s nothing sexy, sensuous, seductive, slinky, spicy, steamy, snazzy, sultry, stimulating, sublime, shimmering, or stirring about it. Find yourself a lascivious, lusty older lover. But find one who’s salaciously single. I can’t support unchaste unions that involve awful adultery.

Besides, only I can be America’s favorite seductive, scandalous spouse.

Lots of lustful luscious love,

Courtney Stodden

I am so sick and tired of hearing about Jesse James trying to apologize and make up excuses for why he decided to cheat on Sandra Bullock, America’s favorite sweetheart. It’s bad enough that he cheated on Sandy with multiple women, but the fact that he’s going to the media (i.e People Magazine, Nightline) and explaining what prompted him to cheat (apparently his Dad was abusive to him as a child) just proves that he needs to grow a pair and be held solely responsible for his actions.

During his Nightline interview, James explained that one of the main reasons he cheated on Sandy was because as a child, his father was emotionally and physically abusive to him, going as far as breaking his arm and beating him. Although I do think abuse is an extremely touchy subject and it would be stupid to make up stories about abuse, I don’t even know what to believe anymore. Here, the fault lies in not only James but also Nightline. By granting him an interview and allowing him to share his side of the story, the public is encouraged to sympathize with him and maybe even give him a free pass for his infidelities. It’s a win-win situation for both sides: Nightline gets the viewership and publicity of the interview and James gets more coverage and money in return.

Abuse or not, what people need to understand is that Jesse James initially made a vow to Sandra Bullock during their marriage and he was the one who chose to sleep with Bombshell McGee (the tattooed up adultress who, in desire for her 15 minutes of fame, blabbed her big mouth to the world). At the end of the day, by excusing his “transgressions” (ha!) to his father’s abuse, James is the coward copping out and not stepping up to his own responsibilities.

The same can be said for Lindsay Lohan, the actress we all love to hate. Lohan, who once used to be one of Hollywood’s most sought out actresses, is now a hot tranny mess who is shamefully wearing her SCRAM ankle bracelet. Many people blame her parents for her derailment, but honestly, she’s the one snorting all the coke and downing Vodka like it’s water. Lohan should really be taking advice from Drew Barrymore, who, after her stints in rehab and failed marriages, is now Hollywood’s Golden Girl.

Sucky parents or not, celebrities in the likes of James and Lohan need to realize that for all that they’re given in the world – a life of fame, luxury and money – they need to step up and seriously take some personal responsbilities to their action. I absolutely do not feel sorry for James and hope that he locks him and his junk away from the rest of the world and becomes eternally miserable for cheating on Miss Congeniality.

Suck it Jesse.

Murray’s wife, Jennifer Butler Murray, attributes the demise of their marriage to Bill’s “adultery, addiction to marijuana and alcohol, abusive behavior, physical abuse, sexual addictions and frequent abandonment”. Quite a laundry list of accusations that, yes, I have to take with a grain of salt because they are just that: accusations.

What I’ve heard about Murray’s real life persona and interactions with people on the sets of his movies make me inclined to believe Jennifer Murray, who has also sought out a restraining order on her soon-to-be former husband. According to an article from the UK Telegraph, (with strangely appropriate Bear PSA in the middle of the piece):

The [divorce] papers claim: “Defendant [Murray] has physically abused the Plaintiff on more than one occasion during the marriage. The latest altercation occurred in November 2007… when the Defendant hit her in the face and then told her she was ‘lucky he didn’t kill her’.

This all begs the question — Can we still like Bill Murray’s work if we don’t like Bill Murray? And, indeed, can we still like any actor whose real life persona doesn’t quite fit with his professional persona? More to the point, should we like Bill Murray and support him by going to see his movies if he is an abusive, philandering douchebag? If, of course, being the operative word–innocent until being proved guilty and all.

Personally, I love the guy in Ghostbusters and not much else (not to say that I don’t love many of the movies he’s in, I just don’t like him in them.) But the guy seems to have a serious and devoted following. I’d be interested to see how this affects his public and critical reception, if at all.

If you want to read the divorce papers, they are, of course, on the smoking gun.

I never thought that my innate intellectual prowess was affecting anything but my ability to make the Dean’s list. According to one Lisa Daily, though, I might be wrong. Being a smart and sexy female comes with its own catalog of setbacks, including the inability to find a man to love for life.

Basically, according to this article from the author of “Stop Getting Dumped: All you need to know to make men fall madly in love with you and marry ‘The One’ in 3 years or less”, smart chicks are less likely than their dense counterparts to snag a marriage license (and the man to go with it). Studies conducted in both Britain and the U.S. showed the same ludicrous results: the higher the woman’s IQ, the lower her marriage prospects.

Wait, what?! You mean, men don’t want women who can actually hold a real conversation about real issues? No freakin way.

Okay, actually, who am I kidding? I totally saw that one coming. But it’s not really their fault. The male decision to date dumb (and the female decision to “marry up”) is a matter of simple biology. Stats show that men want women who are younger, dumber and shorter. And, conveniently, most women want to find the best possible mate to raise the little ones. This generally means someone who is taller, smarter and older. Another big reason men want airheads? One theory is that men desire a wife who will stay at home, watch the kids and clean his dirty socks. And obvi, us smart b*tches will have none of that Holly Homemaker crap.

Men might also be afraid that their smart sphinx will go astray. A study conducted at the University of Michigan showed that men like to date women in subservient occupations because women in higher-level jobs seem more likely to cheat. And the theory is that men are biologically-charged to do pretty much anything possible to eliminate the need to raise kids that they did not, um, produce, which means staying far away from women who might commit adultery.

So what does this mean for women who can not only solve quadratic equations, but also want a hot hubby to come home to? Daily says not to worry, ‘cause there is somebody out there for everybody.

Basically, no matter how smart you think you are, there’s always someone – like, your future husband – who is smarter.