Proposition 8 was overturned, and now we have to see that lesbian comedienne Ellen Degeneres as the new face of JCPenney? Where on EARTH will I shop now? Ladies, we’ve got to do something about this. Let’s protest that crazy talk show host so that her homosexuality doesn’t taint all our kids’ back-to-school clothes and our Christmas shopping.

Okay, so maybe I’m exaggerating the thought process of a member of One Million Moms, a conservative group that’s got their high-leg briefs in a twisted bunch because out and proud Ellen Degeneres is the new JCPenney spokesperson. The group issued a statement following the company’s announcement:

“Funny that JC Penney thinks hiring an open homosexual spokesperson will help their business when most of their customers are traditional families. More sales will be lost than gained unless they replace their spokesperson quickly. Unless JC Penney decides to be neutral in the culture war then their brand transformation will be unsuccessful…By jumping on the pro-gay bandwagon, JCPenney is attempting to gain a new target market and in the process will lose customers with traditional values that have been faithful to them over all these years.”

Fox News contributor Sandy Rios, who supports the One Million Moms perspective, summed up this week’s Hot Button Issue while on The O’Reilly Factor: ”The problem is that Ellen DeGeneres has chosen to act out her lesbian lifestyle and marry her partner, it’s what that represents,” she said. “And the fact that JCPenney is supposed to be middle America, the place where families shop…and people who believe that marriage is between a man and woman and children should not be exposed and propagandized in homosexuality have a moral problem with that.”

Well I’m sorry, Sandy, and the members of One Million Moms, but America—the land of opportunity, the land of the free and the home of the brave—is changing. And for the better. Thank goodness it’s been allowed to change, or else women would never be able to proudly make a buck in any workplace and we’d still stupidly have slaves everywhere who each only count as three-fifths of a person. Though the country has managed to acknowledge the basic human right of being considered an entire person to these minority groups, why can’t such a given be also applied to those who aren’t perfectly heterosexual? Those who choose to be both free AND brave?

If you’re protesting Ellen’s employment with JCPenney, you’re asking that the company discriminates based on her sexual orientation. Hm, discrimination definitely sounds like one of “the negative influences our children are forced to contend with”—you know, the part of society’s “filth” that you should be working to fight, rather than avoiding the hilarious and kindhearted Ellen Degeneres and every product she’s ever endorsed. I’m guessing you’re missing out on the greatness that is CoverGirl LashBlast Mascara and the daily dose of awesome on The Ellen Degeneres Show. Oh man, your kids must have never even seen the movie Finding Nemo! Do you tell them that they can’t go on the Submarine Voyage ride at Disneyland because that funny blue fish is the voice of an evil lesbian?!

Oh, and by pushing Ellen down and calling her names, you’re being a bully. That’s right, One Million Moms, all 40,000 of you are guilty of anti-gay bullying.

Thankfully, the group’s protests and cries were no matter for the department store, as the company stood behind their decision. And yesterday, the free and brave Ellen Degeneres addressed her haters and, therefore, her motivators, on her talk show. ”I’m proud and happy to say that JCPenney stuck by their decision to make me their spokesperson. Which is great news for me because I also need some new crew socks.”

On a more serious notes, she continued, “I really want to thank everyone who is supporting me…Here are the values I stand for. I stand for honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the way you’d want to be treated and helping those in need. To me, those are traditional values. That’s what I stand for.“

To be honest, I’m surprised that One Million Moms even had the time to jumpstart a JCPenney protest. The group has also requested action against Macy’s, ABC’s Modern Family and Mattel. Don’t shop at Target for promoting the destructive program that is Degrassi, don’t watch Dancing With The Stars because the show “aired a definition of ‘transgender’” and don’t support Ben & Jerry’s because of their “tasteless” ice cream flavor names. Thank goodness—that means there’s more Schweddy Balls for me!

Watch Ellen’s full speech now. It’s hilarious, it’s heartwarming, it’s all things Ellen Degeneres.

Should JCPenney be concerned about losing conservative customers? Or will they gain more respect for taking a stand?

Ashley is a UC San Diego grad who is holding on way too tightly to a potential career in magazines and goes to Vegas all too often. She’s fascinated with celebrities and strawberry beer and doubles as a pathological texter/emailer/blogger. Feed the addiction with tweets @cashleelee. Thanks in advance.

This popped up on my Pandora page, and I couldn’t help but be distracted by it.  Playtex’s current ad campaign is based on the idea that “every woman’s body is different,” and at first glance it’s a pretty standard tampon ad. Lots of pink and girly girls – note the skirts and long hair. But if you look at this ad, you’ll see that two out of the three female figures depicted here are almost identical, just posed differently. The woman in the middle and the one on the right are both very slim. They are ideal according to the “thin is in” mentality glorified in the media, but in all likelihood quite a bit smaller than the average American woman. The woman on the left is the only who looks “different,” as her silhouette is significantly more curvy than the others featured in the ad. (I’ll be using “curvy” as a very relative term – obviously, the “curvy” woman here is really pretty average, but she’s rather curvy in comparison to the other women in the ad.)

This is a tampon ad, and obviously a woman’s physical appearance has nothing to do with what type of tampon is right for her. But because it presents a picture of female silhouettes, in which we can see only the superficial outlines of three bodies, the focus of this ad becomes female body size and shape.

Each female figure in the ad is paired with an adjective. The curvier woman is described as “empowered,” while the other two women are “chill” and “bubbly,” respectively. This ad is supposed to be about “different” body types, and yet the female figures we see are characterized using adjectives that describe their personalities. What does a woman’s body type have to do with her personality? The prominent placement of these adjectives directly above the women’s heads presents this strange connection between physical appearance and personality as obvious and simple.

What really got me thinking was the fact that the ad’s token curvy girl is described as “empowered.” This isn’t a negative adjective. In fact, I would be flattered if someone used it to describe me. But “empowered” is very different from “chill” and “bubbly.” “Chill” and “bubbly” are adjectives that sound fun and friendly. They make the thinner girls seem like they’d be fun to hang out with (if they weren’t cartoons). “Empowered,” on the other hand, is more a state of mind or state of being. While it might be a positive description, it says nothing about whether this woman is friendly, or if she would be fun to hang out with. “Chill” and “bubbly” are light, casual words. But “empowered” carries more weight. And this ad is all about fun, pink girliness. So what makes the curvy woman so different? Why didn’t she get a fun adjective? Is this curvy girl “empowered” because she is confident despite the fact that movies, magazines and the internet tell her she should be different?

Maybe Playtex’s intent here was to celebrate all body types, and say that curvier women should feel empowered, because they’re beautiful. But if that’s the case, then why doesn’t the ad actually feature a range of body types? What I see here are two skinny girls and one “alternative” body type. This ad says that curvy is ok, too, but skinny wins out two to one. If that’s not the case, then why create this skinny vs. curvy dynamic, with one clear outsider? It’s just too coincidental that the one different-looking girl was assigned the unusual adjective.

Finally, the point of the ad is to promote three sponsored Pandora stations that listeners can choose from. You are supposed to drag one image/word combination to the box to play the station. The image and word cannot be separated. So, potential listeners are not choosing a body type or an adjective, they’re choosing a body type and an adjective together.

What does that say to women who identify as curvy and bubbly? Or skinny women who would rather be empowered than chill?

Obviously Playtex could never design an ad that would really include all body types, because they’re right, every woman’s body is different. But this is a product designed for and marketed to women. The very least they could do is treat us as intelligent, individual consumers and stop equating outer appearance with inner attributes. That might make me interested in their product.

Facebook shows the most likely times to break up

10 movies that make me cry

Advertising that’s actually really cool

Worst newscast of all time

Why do all reality stars think they can sing

Meet your women of the year

What is the worst pick up line you’ve ever heard?

Scandals in the Cyrus family

How to write a sex manual

So the brainiacs over at the KFC advertising department put all their heads together and came up with the genius idea to advertise the Double Down on college girl’s butts. Yep, that’s right. The guys that brought you America’s first instant-heart-attack sandwich are now bringing buttvertising to college campuses. Because women really needed one more reason for men to objectify their bodies.

Thanks, KFC!

There once was a time when pornography was deemed dirty, sinful smut that would lead to hairy palms, blindness and a spot with your name on it in the hottest parts of hell. Fortunately for adult content fans everywhere, those days seem to be over. In what has to be the most sexual innuendo ridden article ever (subheadings include “Package Deals,” “Bottom Line,” and “Bang for the Buck”),  Advertising Age revealed that “satellite and cable companies are loosening their chastity belts and getting more aggressive about promoting adult content.”

Looks like we can blame our failing morals and values on our failing economy or, as AdAge.com puts it, “The economy may be in shambles, but satellite and cable companies are making whoopee.” No longer does fear outweigh money – the bills are piling up and cable companies are going in the direction of the many sad and desperate before them.

Yes, porn is about to save cable TV.

At one point Direct TV had a long-standing policy of refusing to market adult content “for obvious reasons.” That policy is out and threesomes are in. Revenue is now the motivating factor for cable operators to hop on board the porn train (Editor’s Note: weird. mental. image.), roll up their sleeves and get a little dirty, in terms of advertising of course.

Adult pay-per-views can be profitable for both cable and satellite companies, so much that “even as they raise prices on regular channels, the price of their adult fare is about to get much cheaper and more attractive.” It makes sense if you think about it in terms of bar logic (you know… the cheaper the drink, the more attractive everyone looks). The more advertising they do of PPV specials, the more the ‘curious” audience member will purchase. And in a time where people are losing jobs, homes and life savings, people are looking for anything to help them cheer up.

Why not porn?

Guess you are going to have to get over that whole porn aversion. Looks like this may be just the cure for our ailing economy.

[Image courtesy of www.jonco48.com]

I’m not sure when we became best friends, but it appears you know quite a bit about me. I don’t remember telling you, come to think of it, but it looks like you got the word that I am newly single. I have deduced that you know this because you are running special ads for me, like: “single again?” and “Going through a break-up?”

How kind of you! I was hoping that you, anonymous Facebook ads, would help me fix my love life!

It’s nice that you take note that my tied down friends need no such help from you, but that because my status is “single” I am a candidate for your therapy! Do I need a second chance with my ex? I sure do, Facebook advertisement! At 20 years old I am a miserable spinster! I desperately need your advice on how to win my man back – the man that I got rid of on my own accord – so, please, tell me how! Never mind the fact that you just assumed I was the dumped; I will take your advice anyway. Really? I can just enter my e-mail and you will send me tips? I can watch helpful videos? What ever would I do without you!?

No, I definitely don’t find it creepy that you found this information by reading personal facts about me. You’re only trying to do what’s best for me and, honestly, I should send you a thank-you note! “Unlucky in love?” Gripping headline! Yes, I am so unlucky. All of us single gals are unlucky and cannot possibly be happy. Thank you for helping me recognize that, my darling Facebook ad companion. Thank goodness we have become bffl’s! Who needs real (or kinda real, but really just on FB so I can see their pictures) friends when I have you!?

And while we are on the subject of our blossoming friendship I just want to throw out an additional thank you for taking the time to read all of my interests! I think it’s great that you have read through all my activities, and favorite movies, books and music. It’s super sweet of you to tell me all the things I can buy based on what I love. Yes, I definitely would like to buy some novel writing software just because I like to write. Funny, I did not realize on my own that Ben Folds had a new CD a month ago! And you’re right; I do need a “Sex Panther” tee just because I like the movie Anchorman. You rock!

How can I begin to thank you for stalking my page and telling me what to do with my life? I will definitely buy all your product suggestions, and relationship advice. Quite frankly, you have made me whole again; my heart has been mended with your advertising glue.

Sincrely,

You know who (really, you totally do since you know everything)