Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I love my life. I’m really happy. Everything is great. I go to a good school and I’m doing well. I have a wonderful boyfriend whom I love. I have great friends who I hang out with all the time. The problem is my roommate. She doesn’t like me. I don’t know why. I’ve done my best to be nice with her but she just doesn’t like me.

It started about a week after we moved in together. My best friend and I were supposed to live together in the dorm we lived in last year, but she was on the waiting list for a study abroad and she got it at the last minute over the summer. So I moved in and met my new roommate, let’s call her T, and at first we got along fine. But it seems like the more we live together the more I get on her nerves. She studies a lot so I try to be quiet, but I live here too! When I come in late at night, I’m always quiet, but she says just the door opening wakes her up. She wakes me up in the morning when she gets up really early, but I’m not complaining!

She also has a problem with my boyfriend coming over, so I try to only have him over if she’s not going to be around. But we made a deal at the beginning of the first semester that he could crash at our room one day a week if it was on the weekend. I have never had him stay over more than one day of the weekend and sometimes I just crash at his place to avoid it all together. But now she wants to change it so that he can never sleep over.

She seems to think I’m some out of control party girl, but I think I’m just a regular college student. I go out at night and I have a boyfriend but I definitely have never slept around — been with the same guy for 2 years! — and I am a good student. I’ve tried to be nice to her, and I’ve even tried to hang out with her to try to get to know her better, but she just doesn’t like me and it’s making everything really uncomfortable in my own room. What should I do?

Bad Roommate

Dear Bad Roommate,

Girl, you have been more than reasonable. This bloop needs to get a clue. You are BOTH paying to live in the dorms, right? I mean, she isn’t paying for your half, right?!?!?! RIGHT?!??!!

Now, if you were being totally unreasonable and having the BF stay over constantly against her wishes, I would have told you you were being unreasonable. BUT!!! The two of you (very maturely) made an agreement at the beginning of living together that it was okay if he stayed over as long as it was only once a week on weekends. And you say that’s what you’ve been doing. So…what’s her problem?! She can’t rewrite the rules now!!!

And this business about how the door wakes her up if you come in at night — too flooping bad!!! I’m sorry, but you both live there, and, as long as you’re being quiet when you come in, I don’t see how she has the right to tell you what time you have to be home.

I do not get this girl. I do not get her at all. Well, no, that’s not true. I GET her. I just don’t LIKE her.

Seems to me she wants to be judgmental of your lifestyle because it isn’t hers. And that is never, ever cool. I think you need to sit her down and have a talk. Explain that you’re following the rules the two of you set up, and you’d like to be as considerate of her as possible without completely changing your lifestyle. Hear her out. Hopefully she’ll be reasonable and you guys can hug it out.

But, frankly, I doubt it. She’ll probably be uptight and nasty, in which case I urge you to say: “I’m so sorry you feel that way. I hope we can be civil and get along well enough to live together. If not, maybe you’d like to switch rooms.” And that’s that.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’m a college sophomore girl and I seem to have a major problem with boys — I am CLUELESS when it comes to them! I just got out of a short relationship (actually my first one) and what it made me realize was I gravitate toward guys who express their interest in me FIRST because I feel unworthy of the guys that I have a crush on (like they’re too good for me or something along that line). Now, I have my eye on a new guy right now, but these questions are mainly for any guy I’m interested in, in the future. But as for this guy, I’ve gotten his number and we’ve talked a few times, one of those times being with my roommate and his roommate, and the talks were all pretty short and “meaningless.” Now first of all, if I just simply want to get to know a guy better, how much is too much as far as texting goes and how much should I go up to his room to talk to him (we’re in the same dorm)? I’m really focused on just getting to know him better before I start to dive into something, if it’s there. BUT when/if I do get to the flirting part, HOW DO I DO THAT? How much is too much?

Sincerely,

Boy-Inept

Dear Boy-Inept,

Honey, I’m gonna be honest with you: I think you’re just chicken. Texting?! OMG. How NOT effective can you be. No! Girl!!! Go to his room once. Ask him if he wants to grab coffee. And THAT’S how it’s done. Confident. Cool. Fun. THAT’S what guys like. And you can so be those things. It’s all about working up the courage. Anyone can do it. So listen up, the rest of youse:

(1) Decide on a day and time you will make your (very casual) move.
(2) An hour before you do it, have a dance party by yourself. Put on your favorite music and dance that shoop out.
(3) A half hour before, get dressed and spray yourself with perfume. No changing.
(4) Five minutes before, look yourself in the eye in a big mirror and say eight times out loud: “I am awesome.”
(5) Go say hi to him and ask him if he wants to grab coffee.

Wow. So easy. You can totally do this.

Because, like, what’s coffee?! Chances are, he wants to hang out with you ANYWAY. But no matter what, it’s a totally tiny commitment. And once you have coffee with him, you’ll know if you’re even interested in trying again. It’s so win-win I could vom.

I’m rooting for you, girl.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv. (You KNOW this.)

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I stole my best friend’s boyfriend.

I know it sounds bad but here’s the situation. She didn’t love him. They were just dating because he asked her out and she was too lazy to break up with him. She was always complaining that he wasn’t thoughtful enough or romantic enough and etc.

But I saw something really special in this guy. Let’s call him T. He is the nicest sweetest person and we always had chemistry. I actually introduced them. T and I had a lit class together and we always hung out. I took him to a party and he though my best friend was really cute so I set them up.

But then I watched how she treated him (not good — making him carry things and complaining about him to me behind his back) and I realized I had developed feelings for him.

One day we were hanging out and I don’t know why I told him — and he said he felt the same way!

Anyway, he broke up with my best friend and we started dating. We were going to keep it secret but everyone found out kind of quickly.

So now my best friend won’t speak to me. We’ve been friends since the beginning of college (we’re juniors now) and I can’t stand the idea of losing her. But I don’t think it’s fair of her to keep me from dating the guy of my dreams just because she dated him for three months.

Help!

Found Love

Dear Found Love,

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?! Why would you write to me with this?! WHYYYY?! DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT NOW I MUST SMASH YOU?!?!?!??!??!

Okay, look. No. Bad dog. Heel. You can’t just convince this guy to stop seeing your best friend to see YOU and then expect your best friend to be fine with it. Seriously. Are you kidding me?! If you REALLLLLLLY  think this is, like, THE ONE, then here’s what you SHOULD have done: You should have gone to your best friend and TOLD HER. Is that so hard?! I mean, a little communication between besties?! SERIOUSLY.

Anyway, you should have told her, and then you should have figured out a way to handle it where no one’s feelings got hurt. Instead, you went behind her back and flirted with him and told HIM and then he dumped her for you. TOTALLY HUMILIATING for her. I’d hate you too.

Listen, um, your relationship with your best friend is probably unsalvageable. If you really care about her, you can try to go beg and plead and apologize. However, something tells me you DON’T really care about her. Because if you did, you never woulda done her this way. Look, you got your guy. What do you want?

Peace, jerkface.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Dear Tuffy Luv,

My roommate forced me to get an account on plentyoffish.com, where I actually met a really nice guy, Ryan.  We started talking and I found out that we went to the same high school, and graduated the same year (coincidence!).  We talked on Plenty of Fish for a few days and then I gave him my phone number (we did go to high school together, after all).

Everything was going GREAT and we really hit it off.  He’s Catholic, I’m Catholic. He’s a Republican, I’m a Republican.   He works construction, and he seems like a really nice person.  We have a lot in common and we remember each other from high school, kind of.

Here’s the PROBLEM. Every time we make plans to hangout, he ALWAYS backs out.  I mean I talk to the guy for at least an hour a day (texting, calling, Facebook, etc) and he won’t meet up.  He asked me out on a date once and I said sure and then we decided to meet at this concert we both wanted to go to. I told him to bring a friend, and I brought a friend…he never showed.

He always asks me out and asks me to hangout with him but then when we plan on meeting somewhere he stands me up or complains because he doesn’t want to meet my friends because it would be “awkward.”  YES of course it will be awkward at first, but have a few drinks, loosen up!

I think it would be awkward if we met just the two of us for the first time (since high school) without friends or at least alcohol present.  Am I wrong?  Should I meet him for lunch just the two of us, or should he just grow some BALLS and suck it up…meet my friends and ME?

I have a feeling that he might be the one…just from what we talk about and everything, but if we never meet, how can we have a relationship? Do I stop talking to him? On the other hand if I pass him up, I might regret it for the rest of my life. Opinion pleasee?!

-Stood up and Shot down.

Dear Stoop up and Shot down,

No! Bad girl!

In other words:

SIT THE FLOOP BACK DOWN.

Something is obviously SERIOUSLY wrong. He won’t meet up. He’s canceling or just not showing. In spite of you saying that you’re uncomfortable meeting solo the first time, he is insistent (and, in fact, unbudging) in his need to meet you by yourself.

SHADY SHADY SHADY.

No no no, girl. Don’t meet this guy without a friend. I am getting a BAD BAD vibe.

Okay, to be real, he is probably not a serial killer. He’s probably sinister in a much more minor way.

But why take the chance?!

Look, either way, he is purposely making you uncomfortable by insisting you do something you’ve already said you don’t want to do. If he’s already this creepy and pushy and controlling, how do you think he’s going to be in a relationship?!

And you want to MEET this guy?!?!!?!?!

No, girl. Sit. Heel. Stay.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I love the advice you give and right now I’m in need of some if you don’t mind.

My boyfriend of 5 months broke up with me about 3 weeks ago after sitting me down and saying that he wasn’t ready to commit and that he felt as if he wanted to be alone. I didn’t agree with the breakup but I told him that I supported his decision. We decided to remain friends despite everything and I’m totally fine with that.

This past weekend, we took a trip with some mutual friends to Miami. It was supposed to be a little romantic getaway for couples when it was planned, but it wasn’t since we broke up beforehand.

Once we were in Miami, he operated as a single guy and damn near ignored me while we were there.

When we broke up, he said that he wanted me to still be in his life and was completely honest with me about everything. I still want him around as a friend, but I’m so confused. What should I do?

Miami Hopeful

Dear Miami Hopeful,

Well, you should accept it.

I mean, he told you he was breaking up with you. You understood it. You agreed that you were broken up (even if you didn’t want to be). So why would he PRETEND to still be with you when you were in Miami?! This, girl, is a case of wishful thinking. You were hoping Miami would turn things around, or at the very least you could have a romantic time in spite of everything. But it sounds like he was pretty clear with you that you were no longer a couple.

Friends is…unlikely. But actually, the fact that you were both still able to go on the trip makes it seem possible.

I mean — what do you want from him? He’s being true to his word: he’s keeping you in his life, but he is no longer dating you. Sounds like he did everything he said. He’s been quite upfront. So you have to let go now, yes?! YOU GUYS ARE BROKEN UP. What are you confused about?! He acted like a single guy, because he IS a single guy.

Clearly your feelings were hurt by this. But he was totally upfront with you. So, honestly, that’s not on him.

Look, if I were you, honey, I wouldn’t talk to him for a while. You need a break so you can remember that you don’t need him and that, hey, sometimes 5-month relationships end. When you’re feeling okay about this, then you can try to be casual friends. But I really think that’s the best you can hope for. He’s made his position pretty clear.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

Recently, I’ve had one of the worst things happen to me that could happen to any college student: I had a falling out with my best friend. It was bad. The kind of thing you see in movies, where there’s yelling and tears. She pretty harshly informed me that she didn’t like me anymore. After three years of living together and being close friends, she ditched me to be BFFLs with another girl whom she finds to be more “exciting.”

But that’s not the problem I’m writing to you about. The problem lies in ones of the things my ex-bestie said to me during this final conversation. After basically listing all the things about me that she didn’t like, she also informed me that she didn’t like my boyfriend, John. When I asked why, she said it was because she “didn’t get him.” When I pressed her for a more legitimate reason, she wasn’t really able to give one. She just went on to say that pretty much everyone I knew felt like I was settling for him because I couldn’t find anyone else, and that the fact that I’d date a chubby guy is gross. A little background on my relationship with John: We’ve been dating for 2 months. He’s pretty much my first boyfriend. It took me a long time to find a guy, I won’t lie about that. I’m 21, and John is only the 3rd guy I’ve ever kissed. And yet, I knew from the time I met him that I liked him. He and I just click, and he treats me like gold. He even went out of his way to make sure that he made a good impression on my now ex-bestie when I introduced the two of them, because he wanted my friends to think he was a good person.

Needless to say, he failed. Anyhow, my whole point with this rant is that I’ve been having a nagging feeling ever since she said those things about John. I find myself wondering, “Am I settling for him?” Whenever we’re together, the feelings I have for him are like nothing I’ve ever experienced. But sometimes, when I’m at class during the day or in my room in the evenings, I start thinking about every interaction John and I had that day, searching through my memories for something about him I don’t like, a red flag that maybe I AM in fact just settling, and maybe I’ve just convinced myself that I like him more than I actually do. I’m starting to feel like I’m losing my mind. I really like John, but yet I’m constantly questioning whether I’m just desperate and I don’t even realize it. My best friend really got inside my head by saying that I was only going out with John for the sake of going out with someone after 21 years of being single.

I just don’t know what to do. In every relationship, there are things about the other person that you won’t like. I know that much for certain. My fear is just that maybe my has-been BFF was right, and I’m in some weird sort of denial about John. I start thinking about little things about him that aren’t ideal. He sometimes forgets to shave before we make out, he doesn’t exercise as much as he should, he snores — does the fact that there are some things about John that I don’t absolutely love me mean that I’m ignoring negative things about him for the sake of just having a boyfriend? In essence, am I therefore settling for him?

Then I get back to thinking about all the ways in which John makes me happy. He smells amazing, he calls me the sunshine of his life, he and I can talk about anything, his chubbiness makes him an excellent person to cuddle with, and he’s smart and funny. Shouldn’t that be enough to indicate that I really truly want to be with him? How do I stop obsessing over what my old best friend said and just enjoy being with John?

Please Help me.

Sincerely,
Words Managed to Hurt Me

Dear Words Managed To Hurt Me,

What the?!

Girl, you need a serious chill pill. Geez. Just reading this gives me anxiety. Calm the floop down.

You’ve been dating John for TWO MONTHS. Settling, not settling–who gives a shoop?! You barely KNOW the guy!!!

I say, if you like John, date John. You seem to like John. So date John. Until you don’t like John.

I mean, honestly. Isn’t that dating?! Meet someone, date someone, like someone and keep dating someone, dislike someone and stop dating someone.

IT’S SERIOUSLY NOT THAT HARD.

So if you like John, keep up the good work.

However, I am seriously concerned here about your lack of good judgement.

First of all, you seem more concerned about whether or not you’re “in denial” about your feelings for John than you are about, oh, say, your fallout with your best friend.

Now, she may just be a craphead. In which case, yes, by all means, forget about her.

But it sounds like she has some serious concerns about you, and it’s in your best interest to at least consider them. After all, this is a person who cared about you very much for a number of years, and it’s certainly someone who knows you well.

So if she said mean things? Floop her. But if there are things like “you aren’t a good listener” or “you’re too self-involved,” then maybe you should take a good look at yourself. We all should be constantly reevaluating our behavior and see how we can be better. Again, if she’s just being a jerk, forget it. But we can all better ourselves; take this opportunity to see if there’s anything she says that, when you think about, maybe you agree with.

Back to the boyfriend. Um, yeah. Who cares if he’s chubby? This thing she finds wrong with you is, I suspect, just a jab. I think you can ignore the idea that she thinks you’re “settling.” But not because you’re SO IN LOVE with him or anything–two months, girl, get a grip!!!–just because it seems like the kind of jerk thing one girl might say to another girl to hurt her feelings.

Sooooooo:

(1) Forget this “friend.”

(2) Reflect on if anything she says has any truth to it, and, if so, try to fix that behavior.

(3) Forget the stuff she said just to hurt you.

(4) Keep dating John till you decide you don’t like him anymore.

Okay?! Now can you please chill?!

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’m going back to college in the fall and I wanted to re-invent myself, still stay the same but have a total new outlook on life and a new attitude. Back as a freshman guys would make fun of me and torture me, and it was horrible. I wanted to go back in the fall as a new person, and have those guys who made fun of me not know what hit them. Also, I had a friends with benefits situation with one of my guy friends, and when I had asked him why he hooked up with me, he said along the lines of, ‘We’ll I was bored and I knew that you’d hookup with me.’ It was something much worse along those lines but it’s too embarrassing to disclose. SO, I wanted to know how do I show my ex-hookup buddy and those other guys that I’m tougher than ever and started a brand-new attitude?

Thanks for your help in advance,
Looking to find a new me

Dear Looking,
I think Aunt Tuffy may be too late on this one in time for the fall (sorry, babies!! I gets a lot of questions and I gots to work through ‘em!!) but I still wanna address it. Okay?

So, I want to punch every single one of those guys in the groan and then I want to take their small testes and put them in a testes tube and mix them up and then I want Carrot Top to poo on them. That, I should wish on them. You don’t say how these guys tortured you, but I’m going to assume it was just verbal picking-ons. Giiiiirl. These guys are so not even WORTHY of looking upon you when you go (went?) back this fall. For reaaaaaalz.

I don’t know what the problem was, but I DEFINITELY think that YOU are not the one who needs to change. These ashholes better hope they never meet up with Tuffy. I mean, seriously. Bullying is so 1990s. But let’s say there’s something about yourself you’d like to improve. Yes, of course, go for it. We can all be better, and we should all always be TRYING to be better. Some people are bad listeners. Tuffy has a bad temper and cuts people who are bad listeners. Etc. So, by all means, self-improve.

BUT!!!!!!!!

It sounds to me like you somehow fell victim to a particularly cruel group of  the species known as Jerkus Offus. AVOID THESE DOOFI. They are SO not worth the toxic energy they’re sending your way. Just steer clear of them. And if you run into them, just smile, say hi, and, no matter what they say, just keep walking.

IF they are being physical in ANY ANY way, you MUST tell your campus police and file a complaint with the school. You hear me?! MUST!!!! In the meantime, your “ex-hookup buddy” does not deserve to be your friend. Sever all ties. Seriously.

Although, honestly, why would you ask someone why they hooked up with you?! Which brings me to: I’m guessing you just have very poor self-esteem. You’re letting it show, and, unfortunately, jerkus offus smell the blood in the water. You don’t have to change yourself, honey. All you have to do is be more confident. And to be more confident, you just have to ACT more confident, and soon you’ll start believing it.

Do me a favor and make yourself a mantra. Every morning, before you leave your room, look in the mirror, look yourself right in the eye, and say eight times out loud: “I am awesome.” Sounds stupid, but I bet you all my bubblegum it’ll work. Get out there, girl. You better WERK.
Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’ve been reading your column all day long and I found myself agreeing with every bit of advice you have given and couldn’t pass up the opportunity to hear your insight on my own relationship. I’m a bit of a late bloomer when it comes to relationships, I didn’t have my first kiss or date till 19, after two very short relationships I found myself turning 21 in November and in a 7 month relationship with a guy I love very much.

I had always told myself I would wait until marriage to sleep with a guy but I found myself so very much in love and couldn’t see myself ever being with anyone else so I gave in about 4.5 months into the relationship. We had our ups and downs, at the beginning of the relationship he got kicked out of his dad’s house and had to live with some friends. Long story short, I stood by him through everything, motivated him to quit smoking marijuana, I dealt with a lot of his mood swings and anger when he was trying to quit smoking cigarettes, I gave him driving lessons and let him use my car to finally get his driver’s license, bought him groceries when he had nothing to eat when he got kicked out, gave him rides, had my brother fix up his old bike so my bf had something to ride to school so he could get his GED, and applied to a lot of jobs for him so he could upgrade from part time to full time when his laptop was stolen and he couldn’t do it himself, and I encouraged him to talk things through with his dad so he could live at home again. Needless to say, I have done my best to motivate him to be the best person he could be and he has shown a lot of gratitude for that.

I am currently a university student and have stressed to him the importance of a good education and he said he agrees with me, that he’s always wanted to be back in school and set his life straight and he couldn’t have done it without me. I am truly in love with this guy, he’s a year younger than me and my parents worry I’ve become more of a mother figure than a girlfriend and they say that it’ll never work out because I’m trying to turn him into something he’s not. But I’m turning the other cheek and telling myself I’m not pushing him into becoming something he doesn’t want to be, because even though I have to nag him and lecture him in time about growing up and taking care of responsibilities, he says he’s extremely grateful and does want the same things as I do in the future.

I was willing to pick him up every time he has fallen, even early on in the relationship, he was my first and only love. Things were really going great and I saw he was really on the right path in life, we even talked about moving in together next summer once I get my bachelor’s degree and he made it clear he wanted to marry me some day. I was extremely excited about hearing him talk about how I was the love of his life and how he couldn’t wait for our future together.

He has told me that I should never worry about any other girls, especially exes, because with them it was just sex without feeling, that I am the first girl he’s ever been so deeply in love with and that when we are intimate, we are making love and it means so much more. I do believe him when he says that, because he sounds so genuine and I just can’t believe someone can be playing a game 24/7. I know it’s only been 7 months, but we see one another on a daily basis, unless I have too much school work going on and he is understanding of that, and if we are not physically together, we are on the phone or texting, we send about 15,000 texts to one another monthly, so he can’t really even have time for an affair!

Then one day, he mentions his favorite number and something about passwords and in the evening while he’s at work, I open my computer and am able to guess his facebook password (I know it was wrong, but I have jealousy issues because he had slept with 6 other girls before me, and I worry that being with just me isn’t enough). And to my absolute horror, I find some old facebook chat logs saved from a girl named Desiree. I knew of her because once when we were hanging out this Desiree texts my bf saying “omg just got caught having sex, sooo embarrassing,” so I ask my bf why she would send a text involving something so personal to a guy in a relationship, he said it was really weird she would do that and he doesn’t respond. So back to the messages I find on fb, I find out he tells this girl (who he has called a slut previously to me in conversation) intimate details of our relationship. Now losing my virginity before marriage was a very emotional thing for me. I was raised quite conservatively and really struggled figuring out what I really wanted to do. So we started out slow, and then a few months in started fooling around, touching, etc (not to get too graphic!), and then fooling around naked but not the actual act of sex itself, which I’m sure was torture for him but I was too scared I would end up having sex, getting so attached and then heart broken. My biggest fear was to get a bad reputation, we knew a lot of the same people, and it would be beyond devastating to know that the guy I lost my virginity to would talk about me behind my back and call me a whore.

Back to the messages though! He complains to Desiree that he thinks him and I are going to break up, and we were going through a rough patch, and when she asks why he explains he accidentally popped my cherry while we were fooling around partially naked and that I was very upset about it, then Desiree says that is a stupid reason to be upset, and to my dismay, my bf writes “why can’t a girl just f**k and be happy about it?” At this point I am in tears and can barely breathe, I begged him to swear to never tell anyone about our intimacy, his good friends were friends of my friends and I would die if word got around about me doing certain things, and frankly, that’s extremely personal and I don’t need people knowing those things for obvious reasons. And he swore he would never do such a thing, I truly begged him not to, and I trusted he would never do such a thing, I trusted him with my life. Then I read on, and a little while later they talk again and she asks if him and I have “banged” yet and he says “yup” and then he complains that I “want to do it ALL the time >.>” which was another crushing blow, I was obviously very self conscious about my sex life, seeing as I didn’t have any experience, it was something new and exciting for me, and I loved experiencing a physical connection with my bf, I loved him and he loved me.

Then Desiree says I’m like that because I’m probably immature, he says “you know me, I like sex, but not THAT often”, at this point my temperature and fever are skyrocketing, I had mono at the time and this shock made me go into a very bad fever and break into a horrible rash and vomit, just as I was starting to get better. Then they start flirting, she says she apologizes about stringing him along a while ago (before him and I got together), that she was on medication and not herself, then he goes on to say “but what you and I had was real, right?” and she says “I did like you”, and he says “ok, just making sure” and then she goes on to say “we shouldn’t talk like that, you’re gf wouldn’t like it”. Then he agrees and she has the gross woman balls to say “don’t be mad because you’ll always want my nuts” and he doesn’t deny anything, and she mentions to him “the fact that you’ll always want me even though you have a gf” and he says “don’t rub it in”. She tells him “your gf is pretty, but not as pretty as me” and he says “of course not” (which he later said was a completely sarcastic remark, really doesn’t seem like it, but ok…) The conversation basically ends, and she says “text me when you can” and he says “ok” and that’s the end of that. I also find a message from a girl (who he claimed used to like him, and he only has her as a friend on fb because he feels bad for her and she just got out of rehab, I find her posting on a friend’s wall saying “you, me, and ___ (my bf) are so going to California Burgers!” and the friend says “definitely!” I ask my bf about it and he says he knows nothing about it and isn’t gonna go so it didn’t matter so I said fine), I see a message in his inbox of her asking if he and their two friends (his best friend and his gf) could go to California burgers and that she misses him, he says “miss you too, and sure” (when I confront him about that he said he didn’t want to make her any more depressed and relapse so he didn’t want to be a jerk and say no even though he had no intention of going and never did, but why lie!???? I would have accepted that answer!).

After reading all of this I’m having a huge panic attack and my world has gone up in flames, I text him to “never *bleeping* contact me again, we’re through”, even though he was at work, he called me right away, and was asking what was wrong and I told him I caught him cheating when I broke into his fb, he burst into tears saying he had no idea what I was talking about and I told him about the conversation and he was very confused (having no idea the chat log was saved by fb), I told him how disgusted I was with him and how he completely broke my trust by swearing to me and lying, and told some whore the intimate details of our relationship and how sick he made me, and that he broke my heart. This made him burst into tears, he said he would explain things to me once he finally realized/remembered what conversation I must have read (mind you, these were two separate conversations I read, one four months into the relationship, the other 5 months). He said he had to get back to work after talking for a few minutes, I could hear his managers in the background, and he begged me to talk to him when he was off, I hung up. He called about five times after work when I finally picked up and read, word for word the conversation. He said he was in a horrible place then, that he was truly, truly sorry, that he thought we were going to break up because we were fooling around a lot, pushing a lot of my limits and I got very angry and upset when it came to me losing my virginity, and I agree I was an emotional wreck at the time (and we were in bad times in our relationship when he talked to her). We talked for about 5 hours on the phone, he was crying hysterically, he said he was having very bad withdrawals from not smoking cigarettes or weed and said those things out of anger and was in a horrible place, but denied cheating on me. However, I told him it was indeed emotional cheating and just as bad in my book. Then
he threw up a few times, and could tell he was extremely scared of losing me and ruining the relationship through his actions.

He confessed a few weeks ago that Desiree talked to him again, and started saying bad things about me, and that he should break up with me and get with her, he said she said very horrible things about me, he was very angry, told her off, and deleted her off fb once and for all. Even though he in a sense fixed the situation by himself, that didn’t change the fact that the only reason she had anything bad to say about me, was because he portrayed me as such a bad person to her, he didn’t tell her how much I have helped him, he was just venting about me, and made me seem just awful. He continually denied that it was cheating, that he was extremely ashamed and that I never deserved being talked about like that, and was truly truly sorry. But I told him he broke my heart, which he really did, and I couldn’t trust him anymore. I also said that she wouldn’t have come on to him if he didn’t give her such clear signals before.

We texted a lot during the day, me telling him how much he hurt me and him apologizing, we spoke on the phone for three nights in a row, each conversation lasting around 5-6 hours, most of him crying and throwing up and me crying too. We met up face to face and he swore he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me, and that was all about two months ago. I know this letter was incredibly long, but I don’t know how to get through this. We got back together (never really even broke up), but sometimes I still think about it (like tonight) and when I bring it up, he says he is so so so sorry and would never do that again, that I never deserved it and it breaks his heart he did such a thing to me. But then again, he swore he wouldn’t do it in the first place, it’s like he broke my trust and told this girl (someone he doesn’t even value as a person) about our sex life just because it seemed like he wouldn’t get caught, I never thought he was capable of lying about something like that, he always seemed so genuine. After finally agreeing to work through this, I find myself checking his fb on a daily basis, questioning a lot more what he’s up to and with who, I would die if anything like this, let alone worse would happen again, he is my everything. I can’t even imagine why he would hurt someone who has done so much for him, this badly. I’ve said “I forgive you” after hearing a thousand apologizes, but I’ve read that conversation a hundred times and it’s engrained in my mind, constantly in the back of my head. This whole situation might not seem like a big deal, it’s not like he jumped in bed with someone else, but it seems like online flirting is a gateway to all of that. Just because we are having a serious rough patch in our relationship doesn’t mean he can run to other girls and lead them on? I almost feel bad for the chick, he flirts with her and then tells her off when she tries to escalate it, I really can’t blame her!

I know that was a lot of rambling to read, but this is what goes through my head on a nearly daily basis. This is the first huge betrayal I have encountered, and I didn’t expect it from my first and only love…How do I get over my jealousy, and should I have to? As a result of this, I made him block this girl for good, I have access to his fb, I made him text his last gf and tell her to never contact him again (she sent him periodic texts here and there and they were pissing me off), and he has let me do it all without question, but me needing to do all of this is just not healthy…Any advice would make me eternally grateful, I am in true need of your amazing advice.

My undying gratitude,
Deeply Wounded

Dear Deeply Wounded,

Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiirl.

Okay, first of all, I want to say I’m not just answering this because you brown-nosed. But I do thank you. Delicious.

Anyway, onto your letter:

Bitter ol’ Tuffy feels some pangs on this one.

You seem so genuine, DW. I mean that. You seem like such a good, nice person. You really love this guy, that much is clear. And you went way out of your way to help him through a tough time.

But the harsh reality is, he is NOT such a good, nice person. And he doesn’t give a SHOOP about your helping him through a tough time.

This guy never came clean about this. It’s fine to say, oh he’s sorry because he apologized, but he ONLY apologized AFTER you caught him. AFTER. And when you first approached him about it, he denied it.

So I believe that he wants to keep you. But I don’t believe that he’s really sorry he did it.

This is a guy who has already had a drug problem and been kicked out of his house. He needed YOU to help him apply for jobs (why couldn’t do it himself?!) and to get his bike fixed (hello?! he can’t figure this one out either?!). You really went out of your way for him, and I applaud you for that, because, yes, everyone falls on their luck sometimes.

But this guy seems like he won’t do anything. He isn’t interested in improving himself. He won’t do anything to move forward the way you expect someone reaching adulthood to do.

That in itself is a HUGE red flag, girl.

And then we get to the real meat of your letter, where we find out dude spoke about you to another girl who he may or may not have cheated on you with (I’m sorry, I just don’t think we can rule that out) but who DEFINITELY did not need to be told about your sex life.

THIS IS A LOSER.

This little boy thinks he can say terrible things about you to someone else while proclaiming to love you. Guess what? He can, because you’re letting him.

DO NOT LET HIM.

You really truly deserve better than this. This little baby of a disgusting manchild said some ugly things about you. He betrayed very personal secrets. And he said things that were cruel and unnecessary.

I bet he loves you now. You’ve done so much for him. He’s a major user and he knows that you’ll take care of him.

But you don’t want his off-brand “love,” do you? It’s so emotionally abusive it makes me want to throw up (oh, I guess I have something in common with him after all).

I hate hate hate this guy.

BREAK UP WITH HIM. You can’t get yourself to trust him because, deep inside, you KNOW you CAN’T trust him. He is completely UNTRUSTWORTHY. There is NOTHING he can do that will reverse this. This relationship is doomed, and thank deities of all sorts because this guy is only going to drag you down with him.

Go find someone who is kind and who will treat you the way you treat others: with respect and love. Let this ashhole rot in his own filth.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I need help.  Two days ago my boyfriend and I split up.  We had a fight about him disappearing for a while without any explanation.  I was furious because that has happened to me before; in high school I had a long-term boyfriend who one day left school and disappeared without telling me.  I never heard from him again.

Well, this past weekend I was afraid that was happening again and I panicked.  When he finally did get back to me I was furious at him for making me panic like that.  I said things I didn’t mean and then we were over.

He had said he was busy (not strictly true because he had been on the phone and he could have found five seconds to let me know everything was fine). I later found out through talking to our mutual friend that he was upset with me and that was why he hadn’t gotten back to me.  So then I was even more upset with him for not being honest with me.

But here’s the thing: this whole thing is my fault.  The whole time we were together, practically, I didn’t trust anything he told me.  I’ve had relationships in the past, and they all turned out terribly.  I realize that everyone has terrible relationships sometimes, but it seems like everyone I care about lets me down.  I don’t trust anyone.

Understand, it’s not the little things I don’t trust him with.  When he says he’s with friends and stuff, I don’t care.

Here’s an example.  One night we were talking, and he was drunk and he said things like he wanted to be with me for a long time, he could see living with me, etc.  And it was so nice of him to say those things.  But it freaked me out!  I mean, I love him, of course, and I feel that way too, but having him say it made me feel uncomfortable, like I didn’t think he meant it.  So the next day I was uncomfortable still and we had a mini-fight and I ended up asking him not to say things like that anymore.  (That’s one of the reasons he was upset with me.)

I realized that this is exactly what happened with my high school boyfriend, when I didn’t trust him and the left.  I feel terrible, and I was messed up over that for years. I don’t want to make the same mistake twice.

So my question is this: how do I learn to trust my boyfriend?  What do I do now to make him see I’m sorry and I need him?  How do I stop picking mini-fights over tiny things because I can’t trust that he’s telling me the truth?

Sincerely,
Mistrustful Me

Dear Mistrustful Me,

Girrrrrrl. You need to find a balance between trusting your gut and letting your paranoia eat your face.

It’s like this: Everyone gets let down. It’s true. Friends, family, strangers, they’re all acting in their own best interest, and that’s just human. Unfortunately, sometimes that means someone gets hurt.

In your case, it’s this high school boyfriend who screwed you up. But I think you need a reality check on this one.

I seriously doubt dude dropped out and disappeared because of you.

Sorry. I know it’s become super romanticized in your head and all, but that shoop is just too nuts. The reason he left is a mystery, yes? Now he may not have CONTACTED you because he didn’t want to deal with you. But I seriously doubt he left HIGH SCHOOL because of you. Really. Let’s get a grip here.

However, that said, Aunt Tuffy can totally see how that would floop you up. I mean, it’s a pretty dramatic thing to happen. (PS Hope he’s okay, youknowwhatimean?!?!)

On to the present.

Your now-ex-boyfriend didn’t like that you couldn’t trust him. No one does. In order to be with someone, you HAVE to be willing to be a little vulnerable to them, and that means trusting them when they ask you to.

So in your next relationship, you gotta work on this. Yes? You will take deep breaths and not freak out when everything isn’t perfectly on your schedule.

HOWEVER!

There is a fine line between trusting and being stupid. Because we’ve all got instincts. We all know when someone’s lying.

And in this case, I gotta say, even though I think you’re paranoid in the android, your guy WAS lying to you and I think you sensed it.

I think it’s over with this guy, to be honest with you. Lessons have been learned, correct? You ask how to not pick fights; the answer is, DON’T PICK FIGHTS! If you’re upset about something, give yourself some time to cool off and then ask yourself: Is this really a problem or am I just being paranoid? If, after you’re no longer emotional, you still think something is suspicious, then you can bring it up IN PERSON and in a CALM AND KIND MANNER. If it doesn’t seem like a huge deal after you calm down, you have got to learn to just let it go.

Let it go. Let it go. Let it go.

Speaking of letting things go, get rid of that baggage too. Honestly. We all have bad stuff happen to us; when you let it go, you set yourself free. None of this is not such a major deal that you can’t learn to do that, just like everyone else. Trust me, you’ll be way happier. And you deserve that, kid.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I have a problem that most girls would kill to have. My boyfriend of three years proposed to me.

The problem is, I don’t think I want to go through with it. I’m graduating college in June. He graduated last year and moved back home with his parents. Since then, he’s been working at the mall near where he grew up. It’s only an hour away from school so I still see him all the time, and he seems really happy.

But that’s the problem. He seems really happy just working at the mall. I want to have a whole career and I think I have a chance at getting a job at the firm where I’m interning. I thought the two of us had similar goals, but, since the summer, I’ve come to realize we don’t. He wants to just go to work and come home and hang out, but I want to have a real career and if I have to work late or weekends, I’m fine with that. He gets really sad if I ever stay late at my internship. He says jobs are so you can afford to live, but I see my job as more than that.

We started dating when I was a freshman, and while I like him a lot, I just don’t think he’s “the one.” I feel like we’re better as friends. I’ve known this for a while, but I really care about him a lot (he was my first for pretty much everything, and he’s a really good guy), but I didn’t want to hurt him so I guess I just kind of let it keep going. He’s a good person and I could see myself with him but I just don’t think I’d be happy.

I already said yes to getting married. He proposed in front of a bunch of our friends and I didn’t want to make him feel bad. But now I’m panicked because I KNOW I do not want to marry him but now it’s so much worse! Help!!!!!!!

Fiancee

Dear Fiancee,

Wow, that does suck.

Okay, well, obviously you can’t just “let it keep going.” I mean, you really canNOT marry the guy. That would be sucky for you and VERY unfair for him.

See, really, you should have told him how you felt when you were originally feeling it. Because NOW it’s like you’ve been lying to him.

But don’t freak out!! You have to do it, but you’re going to do it in the nicest way possible.

Meet up with him and just tell him the whole truth. (Well, I wouldn’t mention not liking that he’s happy at his job; that might come off as condescending. Say the other stuff: how you love him but you just don’t think this is the right thing right now.) He’ll be mad. You’ll probably both cry. But, ultimately, it’s the right thing to do, and hopefully someday he’ll respect you for it.

And more importantly, you won’t end up with someone you know isn’t the one and he won’t end up with someone who doesn’t want to be with him.

You know this sucks. And you know it will keep on sucking. But once you do it, I promise life as a whole will suck less.

And then, in fact, you can both start fresh and find someone who’s right for you.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv