Q?! A. Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
Girl, I need your all-knowing wisdom BAD!! I have two boys…and it’s come time for me to choose between the two. Here’s the problem: they’re opposites!

On one hand, we have G. The sensitive, intelligent musician. After meeting just a couple months ago, we went through a period of hanging out everyday and frequent (no-sex) sleepovers, but we’ve since cooled down. I suppose you’d call us glorified FWB, although we actually like each other! (LOL?) This was fine and good, until I realized I was starting to blow him off to hang out with what I affectionately call “my boys,” my group of all-male best friends. Which leads us to….

B. The guy’s guy. We’re only friends at this point, but since we first met (through our mutual male best friend, C), there’s been this crazy sexual tension and the other guys in our group are constantly picking on us. He’s not the smartest fella in the world, but we have the same sense of humor, and he’s incredibly protective and sweet!

My question for you is: do I take a chance on B or remain with my current guy, G? Which would you choose?! Please help!!

Sincerely,
Torn Read More »

Question?! Answer: Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Okay, kiddos. Today we have a very special issue of Ask Tuffy Luv. Today we’re gonna–gasp–learn from our mothers. (Even though, yes, they annoy us sometimes. OK, a lot.)

I know that seems odd. But, readerinos, Aunt Tuffy gets ever so many letters from all of y’all about things I KNOW your momma taught you. So, in one fell swoop, Tuffy gonna answer the basic kinds questions she gets week after week, just by telling you what your mother already knows.

(1) Be Faithful.

Momma sez: You’re probably going to want to have a serious partner someday. Don’t blow it now by blowing through tons of guys (or girls) and burning bridges. You’re gonna form bad habits and you’re gonna get a bad reputation. So don’t cheat. It’s nature’s bad karma, donchaknow?

(2) Use Protection.

Giiiiiirl, don’t be bringing no grandbaby round! Okay, fine, bring the grandbaby. Momma will looooove that grandbaby. But, precious, I just want you to be the best you that you can be. You need time to grow and to be in a good place and in a good relationship. Besides, you don’t want any of those nasty STDs, right?! Momma knows you don’t.

(3) Long Distance is Hard. But So Is Any Relationship.

Sweetheart. You’ve got to follow that sweet heart of yours. Long distance relationships are very difficult, so if you have your doubts, don’t waste your time and energy. But if you think in your heart of hearts that he (or she) really might be The One, you’ve got to give it a shot. Trust yourself. And if it doesn’t work out, don’t punish yourself–learn from your mistakes and live your life the best you can. Read More »

Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com. OR ELSE.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’ve always admired that you don’t hold back with your advice.  I can tell by reading your columns that you are strong, thoughtful, unafraid, and independent.  These are all things that I can be, that I consider myself to be – but sometimes, it feels like all that my independence and strength is really getting me is a lot of pain.

From friends to boyfriends to ex-boyfriends, I am a huge fan of forgiveness.  I forgive people in my life partially because I’m very religious and that is a part of my faith, but also because I’ve always been able to, and shouldn’t that be a gift that I embrace?  When I can, I forgive, even if that means that I can’t throw a satisfying fit and demand that people treat me better.  However, I don’t make the mistake of forgetting.  I acknowledge the flaws of the people I love and love them in spite of those flaws, as I would expect them to do for me.  Sometimes I wonder if this mindset makes my emotions easy to ignore.

I was just broken up with two weeks ago (we dated for only 3 months), and I have been trying very hard to work towards a friendship with him, because that’s something we both want.  However, it has been very difficult for me to move forward because he repeatedly makes me feel as though what I am going through does not matter to him.  When I told him I needed to talk with him, he shrugged me off and asked if it could wait, then, a few days later, allotted me 20 minutes to talk to him – which he didn’t show up for.  I’m disturbed by his treatment of me, and worried that I have somehow unintentionally “taught” him to treat me this way.  I was very patient while we were dating, would gently tell him when he was making me feel uncared for, and accept his apologies as long as I felt that they were truly meant.  He always genuinely cared, and even though he can occasionally be oblivious to others’ needs, he is always ready to help his friends when he is aware that they need or want support.

This is why his attitude and actions towards me at the end of the relationship and now have been so off-setting – and made even more so by the fact that he told me, when he broke up with me, that I was a “phenomenal girlfriend” because I was “always easy to deal with” (we broke up because he’s graduating).  I worry that, even though I consider my ability to forgive to be a strength, it is seen by others as a weakness.

If this was an isolated incident, I would be less concerned, but I often worry about similar things with my friends.  Sometimes I just want a friend who can support me the way that I support them.  I just want to talk to someone about the tough times I’m going through with my ex-boyfriend without them expressing confusion as to why I’m still wrapped up with being upset with him, or lean on a shoulder for more than a few minutes before they find something else to do.  I see them support each other, and wonder why they won’t do that for me.  They will run to my aid, and be on my side, but it’s always very short-lived and then I can feel them rolling their eyes and wondering why I’m being such a drama queen.  This even happened when a friend of mine from high school committed suicide last August – my roommate expected me to be better the next day, and couldn’t figure out why I was focusing on how different he looked in his coffin.  After these comments, I turned inward for support.  I cried in the shower instead of where people could see.  I don’t want to do this all the time, because it makes things even harder to deal with.

As I said earlier, I can tell that you are a woman who projects strength and confidence.  Am I somehow allowing the people that I love to walk all over me by being forgiving and self-sufficient?  How do you gain respect and care from the people that you love?

Sincerely,
Independent & Alone Read More »

Question?! Answer. Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Confidential to Almost Sexually Active Band Geek: WAIT. He doesn’t mind. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen later–when things work out.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I have been hooking up with a long time friend recently but we have never been anything official. He acts like he likes me, takes me out, says he thinks he is falling in love with me and says how he thinks we should be together. He has quite the playboy/bad boy reputation and for a long time and I couldn’t let myself be anything more than friends with benefits, so I have denied his requests that I be his girlfriend in fear of getting hurt.

I had a change of heart about 2 weeks ago and we had a conversation where we both decided to try and make a relationship work. Nothing really changed, we just gave it a label. However last week, only a few days after we became official, he slept with my best friend. Now things are beyond awkward between said friend and I and my “boyfriend” thinks I am making a big deal about nothing.

Question?! Answer. Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
What’s up!? I love your column; I always find myself in line with your advice and generally agreeing.  Well, now I have my own situation and I have never been good at giving myself advice or seeing my own situation clearly so here goes. Tell it to me like it is:

Ten months ago I met the best guy I have ever been with. After a first “date” and a visit from him, he asked me out.  We started dating and did the LDR thing (2 hrs away) for eight months; we fell in love and he told me he loved me after three months of dating.

Which brings me to now.  We just broke up and it has been so hard.  It was somewhat mutual; two weeks ago we were talking on the phone and he brought up something I wrote in his Valentine’s Day card, which was: I can’t wait till we grow up and get to see each other more.  Something along those lines.  He thought I meant forever but I hadn’t been thinking that far ahead and I just meant when I graduated (two months) and wasn’t working two jobs.  Then he said something about how he wants to move across the country eventually and how we probably wouldn’t be together forever. I responded, What’s the point of dating now, then, if you know at some point you don’t want to be with me/break up with me?  He got really emotional and I think he was crying and said he didn’t want to break up with me and he loves me.

Fast forward a week later: he breaks up with me for not having enough time for me, which I understand. He has a lot on his plate – full course load, involved in a lot at school, internship.  He said he felt selfish but just doesn’t have the time.  It’s been a few days now since the break-up and I asked him if we would ever get back together again in the future and he said he can’t answer that; he just doesn’t know what will happen.  It’s been really tough and I just don’t know what to do.  He said he wants to stay friends.  Should I bother?  Should I  not text him?  The days after the break up I did the typical thing of texting him and asking if there was any solution, blah blah blah, to which he just says he doesn’t have time for a relationship and it’s bad timing.  Did I blow it by texting him? Right now I’m trying to not contact him to “make” him miss me.

The thing that sucks is he dumped me a week away from my birthday and I know he bought me a present, so it seems to me he hadn’t been thinking this for a long time.  Anyways what do I do? Is there something I’m not seeing?  Do you think he met someone else? I just want to be with him.  Do I keep in contact or will that just hurt more?

I’m afraid if we get back in the future I won’t be able to forgive him for doing this so close to my birthday or if he sleeps with someone else, I would be devastated.

Sincerely,
I Thought Love Conquered All? Read More »

Question?! TOO BAD. No, only kidding. Mostly. Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’m suffering from heartbreak. My boyfriend is leaving me. Sort of. But only after I left him. Sort of…

Here is my situation: I have the much coveted/dreaded position of broke but oh so sexy older musician’s girlfriend. (He’s 26, I’m 20). My man is a drummer, and a very talented one at that. Before I met him, he toured with a band for a few months around Europe. When I started dating him a year and a half ago, he was (and still is) in a local garage band with a couple friends, playing local shows recording a demo, and not really going anywhere besides that. In other words, he was always broke from spending money on music (which is totally fine), always in and out of jobs and musical prospects, and most importantly, always available to spend time with me!

Fast forward into a year of our relationship and I got into an amazing absolutely time/life-sucking nursing program 7 hours away from where I was living. With my boyfriend’s 100% support, I moved, and since then we’ve been in a very successful long distance relationship for the past 6 months. But it hasn’t been without its difficulties. When I first moved, I was all by myself in a completely new city without my man or any of my girl friends and I couldn’t stop bawling everyday for the first week. (Which was bizarre for me because I am definitely not a crier!) By now I’ve gotten used to not seeing him, but man.. that first week was so bad. And I still get really depressed about only seeing him for 48 hours at a time once a month.

The thing is, we are both extremely supportive of each other when opportunities pop up. I went to Germany to visit my mom (who was military deployed) instead of spending Christmas/New Years with my man, and he didn’t once make me feel bad. We make trips to see each other about every 3 weeks, which is more difficult for me since I have more time constraints, and he never complains. And at the start of this year, he auditioned (and is now playing) for another band where he would get paid to tour with them a couple months at a time, and he told me the times that he wasn’t touring, he wanted to move in with me! Which I was totally ecstatic about, since it would be a good trial run of living together all the
time. But then….of course… another freaking opportunity popped up with another freaking (even more famous/successful) band, except this time, he would be touring (and leaving me!) for an entire year, country hopping, playing awesome festivals, getting paid, partying every night, making memories, meeting people, and most importantly, not being with me on a Saturday night loving me, making me dinner, taking me out, etc etc.

I’m so excited for him, I want him to go, I would go if anything ever popped up like this for me. In fact, I may even get to see him for a month during the summer. But I don’t want to be sitting alone in my apartment with my cats for months at a time crying my eyes out wondering what Brazillian or European girls are making googly eyes at him. And since I’m still fairly newish to the area I moved to for school, I don’t have any really close girl friends to call up on the weekends asking if they want to eat pints of Ben and Jerry’s with me.

I love him so so much, and although this email doesn’t sound like it, I actually am an independent, strong woman, but I still have my needs. It sucks only having real intimacy once a month, and to go from my man potentially moving in part time to leaving for an entire year spelunking across the world scares me. Our lives are pulling in opposite directions more and more and I’m beginning to feel left behind, as I’m sure he felt when I first moved away.. I need help coping, maybe I need a therapist, ugh. I need my man in my life.

Sincerely,
Musician’s Girlfriend Read More »

Question?! Floop it. Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I recently lost my virginity about a month ago. I’ve had sex a couple times with this guy (we’re dating) and I’m always on the bottom. What do I do while he’s…going into me? I always feel bad because I’m just lying there while he’s going at it pretty hard. I haven’t tried anything because I don’t really want make a mistake and be embarrassed or something. What should I do? This is probably a little awkward to give me tips so if you could me some helpful links that would be so helpful.

Thanks,
Ex-Virgin Read More »

Question?! Forget you. No, only joking! Ha, ha! Get it?! Because–okay, whatever. Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
Last semester I met this guy and we started hanging out a lot. We were never officially together, but he was my first everything and we had a great time for a few months.

I made the mistake of assuming he was with me exclusively, and kind of freaked out on him when I found out he had been with other girls and still had contact with his ex who he had been with for years. But then I realized I really had no right to be mad, as he was not my boyfriend.

For the first couple of weeks this semester, things were going great between us and I was happy. Then, everything changed. He couldn’t attend our school this semester, so he moved back home. I was really sad he was leaving, but he is planning on coming back in a few months, so I thought things might work out. At first, we still talked a lot and even hung out when he came down to visit.

But then he went back home, and….nothing. He stopped contacting me. I texted him a few times and got very brief answers. I was sad, but decided to stop talking to him as well. I still liked him a lot, but I did not want to appear needy and desperate.

After he moved, I still hung out with his friends. A few weeks later after becoming way too drunk, I hooked up with one of them. Since, my relationship with his friend has turned into a sort of friends-with-benefits situation. I would never want to be with him in a serious relationship, we’re just having fun. His friend told the first guy what happened and I texted him to see how he felt about it. He seemed rather indifferent and it hurt me that he didn’t seem upset. I told him how much I missed him and that I wished he were still here.

A few days ago, I was hanging out in his friend’s room when, to my surprise (though clearly intentional on the friend’s part), the first guy showed up–he was in town to visit and no one told me. He seemed just as surprised to see me as I was him and neither of us really said anything. Read More »

Question?! Answer: Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost all of college (we’re seniors) and he’s my perfect guy. I never believed in soul mates until I met him. We get along great, we have so much in common, we have almost all the same friends, and it’s just a great situation.

Perfect, right? Well, I thought so.

We’ve  been making plans to move in together, and he seemed totally fine with that, but a couple of week ago I mentioned in passing something about getting married (I know, I know) and he threw a major curveball at me. It turns out that he won’t marry me–unless I convert to Catholicism.

I never knew this was a big deal for him. He doesn’t seem to be very religious (I’ve never seen him go to church except Christmas and Easter) and he’s never brought this up before. But when we talked about it a couple of weeks ago he was really clear that I would need to convert or else it wasn’t going to work.

I thought about it for a while. I’m not religious so I thought, hey, what the heck, maybe I should just do it for him. But then I started getting kind of mad. Why do I have to pretend I believe in something that he never even told me he cared about before? I think it would really upset my parents and, actually, I think it would really upset me, too. I don’t think I should have to pretend to be something I’m not.

I don’t know if I should be mad or break up with him before it goes any further or convert or what. Also, don’t you think it’s kind of suspicious? He can move in with me but he can’t marry me? Is this BS because he just doesn’t want to marry me?

I don’t know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated. Until then, I am

Not Converting

Read More »

Questioninski?! Answerskaya. Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I moved for my senior year of high school and at the beginning had a little trouble making friends because it’s a small town, everyone knows everyone, etc. Finally, I did start making some, and one of the first ones was this girl, Peggy. Peggy is one of those people who is overly nice to everyone, so it really wasn’t surprising she was one of the first people to approach me.

So now it’s halfway through the year and I’m still friends with Peggy, except I’ve realized I don’t like her. At all. I found out the reason she’s so nice to everyone is because it’s one of her “Christian Values,” along with being extremely judgmental. She thinks she is a step above everyone else, and it is really getting to me. And now prom is coming up and she’s laid out this whole plan expecting me and whoever I go with to go along with it, and I don’t want to. But at the same time, I don’t want to be completely rude to one of the first friends I had. She isn’t the kind of person I really want in my life, but I put in a lot of time in the friendship earlier on because as a new senior I really wasn’t in a position to turn down friends and she seemed perfectly nice at the time!

So Tuffy, what should I do? Should I confront her or stick it out for the school year? We’re going to different colleges so there wouldn’t be any need to see her again. But if I do stick it out for the year I probably won’t be able to help sending her bad vibes so she might think I’m a jerk either way.

HELP!
Sincerely,
Friends? Read More »