Exam week can be pretty intense. All you want is to pack up your shizz and go home to party for a month, but the word “cumulative” is making you want to throw up in your mouth. Can you slide by, or is exam week going to destroy the grade you earned busting your butt on every paper you wrote this semester? Everyone has their own study tips and ways to deal with stress, but here are some surefire tactics to avoid if you really want to make the grade.

1. OD’ing on Caffeine

If caffeine were illegal, I’d be a certified crack whore. So I know that overdoing the stimulants can only end poorly. There have been times where I drank so much coffee that it had an adverse affect on my body, and I passed out facedown in the books. Or I got so hyper that I alphabetized my DVD collection instead of hitting the books. Overdoing the caffeine can also keep you up for hours after you’ve shut the books, and you’ll be super groggy when the time comes to put number 2 pencil to paper (if you don’t sleep through the entire final!).

Another major caffeine no-no? Taking energy pills such as Stackers. You’ll be more concerned with the heart palpitations you’re having than the exam itself. You don’t want to pull a Jessie Spano in front of the whole lecture, hall do you?

2. Facebooking

It starts innocently. You sign in to put “[your name here] is cramming for exams all night long” into your status. Then, you decide to write on your BFF’s wall. Then, you decide to browse the groups she’s in. Then, you join some of them. Then, you decide to friend some of the people in those groups. While you’re doing that, someone FB-chats you, and the next thing you know, you’re a member of “If a Million People Join This Group, I’ll Shave My Head,” you’re friends with strangers in all 50 states, and you still don’t know jack about derivatives, the Civil War, or what the eff is going on in Eliot’s The Wasteland.

3. Taking Sexams Instead.

Tell your boyfriend to put his libido on pause for a week, and promise a f— fest once you’ve aced all of your finals. Nuff said.

4. Picking Up Extra Shifts At Work

Yes, the holidays are coming. Yes, you need bar money after your last final. Yes, you’re simply dirt poor. But picking up another shift means five less hours to study for Econ. And if you fail a class and have to take it again, you’re going to have to pay an arm and a leg for those extra credits. If anything, you should take a shift off. Besides, once winter break hits, you’ll have all the time in the world to work your butt off… provided you’re not spending every moment at the bar.

5. Liquor in the Library.

Or at your desk. Or in the study hall. Just lay off the booze, ok? Sure, a glass of wine will calm your stressed-out nerves, but one glass always has the potential to turn into another, and the next thing you know, you and your roommate are dancing to “Footloose” instead of cracking the books (not that I would know from experience…cough). Yes, it’s tempting to go to the bar during finals week because you don’t have to wade through a sea of thousands of procrastinating collegiates, but all in all, getting bombed during exams usually isn’t the best idea.

Case in point? I did go to the bar the night before my 8 a.m. Shakespeare final. Why? Because I’m a Shakespeare geek, my professor was an easy grader, and I had a solid A in the class anyway. I could ace any essay question thrown me at 8 a.m., with or without a hangover (actually, I was banking on being still drunk and really letting my ideas fly). I ran into a guy from class who was so sh*tfaced, he didn’t even know we had an exam. He never showed up the next morning, and I never saw him again. Yes, I got my A. But my story isn’t the moral here, it’s the fact that Drunky McDrunkerson probably went on Academic Probation and may or may not work at a gas station somewhere today.

The ultimatum? Suffer through this one last week, and you’ll have a whole new semester of procrastinating to look forward to over the holiday season. If you don’t bring your A-game, it’s going to be very difficult to tell Mom and Dad you flunked out while chestnuts are roasting on that open fire.

Got anything else we should avoid?

[Photo courtesy of flickr.com/photos/uscfan]

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