Inside, once you got past the trying-to-be-sexy Avril pics, was a hilarious small feature on celebs that truly need them some Dr. Drew.  They included Jennifer Aniston (because of her addiction to crappy rom coms), Lebron James (because of his inability to refer to himself in first person), and Barack Obama (because of his chemical dependence on mom pants).  There was also one of those charts, like the ones in J-14 that help you decide which celebopper you’re going to marry, however Maxim’s helps you decide what type of person you are going to hook up with during Thanksgiving.  If you’re interested, I took the quiz.  Apparently I’m going to hook up with my grandmother’s Jamaican nurse.

Also in November’s issue, Bret Michaels was featured in an article telling us how to be a reality star.  Unfortunately, he left out the important stuff like “get a spray tan” and “always cover up forehead acne with a bandanna.”  He did leave us with this gem, though: “At some point you have to forget about the cameras all around you. I had to get drunk.” OHEMGEEEEE, Bret! We’re so synced – just replace “cameras” with “D-Bags and midterms.” 

But even that wasn’t enough to grab my full attention quite like Maxim’s take on giving thanks….to sex.  The article featured a bit about what real girls are most thankful for…in bed. And my oh my, the article seemed pretty right on. Especially the smaller inset article, ‘Thanks, But No Thanks: These Items Make Our List of Sexual Turkeys’ that took a look at the crazy sexy toys people turn to. I hear you loud and clear, Maxim -  some sex toys just aren’t great for play foreplay.

Here’s what I have to say about ‘em:

Maxim Says: Fundies. Just think of the three-legged races you could have in these smushy panties for two.
Brittany Says: Fundies?!  I think a pair of sexy undies is probably better for sexy time than shoving all of your good stuff into one pair of panties with your man.  This reminds me of those three-legged races I hated in middle school.  Hated! I would always trip and embarrass myself in front of my entire class. Looking back, though, at least I wasn’t nearly naked with my partner’s bits flopping around right next to me. Whose ideas was this?!

Maxim Says: Oral Sex Light. Bluetooth headset meets reading lamp in this totally unnecessary sex “toy.” Ironically, can’t help you find your dignity when it’s on.
Brittany Says: This sounds like MTV’s Room Raiders gone all wrong.  The only time I want to see a “oral light” is when my dentist is sticking it in my mouth to make sure I haven’t developed a nasty case of gingivitis.

Maxim Says: Blowup Sheep. If you’re into animals, go for it. But wouldn’t the real thing be better than the silence of this lamb?
Brittany Says: The fact Maxim compared this sex toy to Hannibal Lecter is enough to scare me sh*tless. And the fact that they’re discussing getting down and dirty with a live animal is just too much for words.

Maxim Says: Al Gore’s Sex Scandal.  Charges against him were dropped, but we’re still scarred for life by the idea of Gore exposing his south pole and telling a message therapist, “Take care of this.”
Brittany Says: I don’t understand how anything about Al Gore has to do with sex toys.  Let’s just leave this man to his Global Warming campaign and as far away from the bedroom as possible. Shudder.

So of course I could not help myself when I came across an article called ‘Check Your Head’ which showcased some insane sex tips for men. Before reading, I instantly predicted an article that was going to make me giggle like a school girl, but turns out, the article was really good and had some real good (ahem) tips. All the men out there reading this, get the issue now and flip to page 52. Your new name will be ‘Golden God.’

Anyway, (whoa, train of thought, where art thou?) sprinkled in with the many token sexy girl interviews telling men how to properly take off their T-shirts, there was a hilarious and interesting interview with Chris Rock, where he stated his proudest accomplishment was Pootie Tang. Awesome.

And finally, I ran across a man-advice juiced article aptly named, Spring Clean Your Life. I couldn’t wait to dig in and discover what men are worried about de-cluttering come spring time. All of their crusty instant macaroni bowls? Sticky shot glasses? Old Playboy? Febreeze bottles? Errr….not so much. Guys are actually worried about things I would never think of in my entire existence, until now. Honestly, if it weren’t for the half naked girls on every other page in the mag, I would have sworn this article was written for a woman.

I guess getting one’s sh*t together in guy speak is a lot like get one’s sh*t together in girl speak. Let’s take a gander, shall we?

Maxim Says: Your Digital Self: When it comes to your profile photo, create a little mystery by avoiding direct eye contact or smiling. Women are more interested in guys who don’t mug, regardless of overall attractiveness.
Brittany Says: Oh really? First of all, do guys really think about this that much? Wow. Also, I don’t see this type of photo creating any sense of ‘mystery.’ When I see his MySpace-esque photo floating around the web, it is pretty clear to me what he is all about. And it’s creepy, not mysterious.

Maxim Says: Your Galley: All you need in your kitchen are these 16 things: nine-inch chef’s knife, cutting board, spatula, nonstick skillet, food mill, cast enamel pot, water/sauce pot, carrot peeler, can opener, microplane (grater), bench scraper (dough cutter), tongs, wine/bottle opener, big ass stirrin’ spoon, stainless-steel bowls, and a cookie sheet.
Brittany Says: All you need in your kitchen are these 3 things: Beer, bottle opener, mini fridge.

Maxim Says: Your Colon: Skip all booze and eat low-sodium organic broths, pure fruit and veggie juices, and a little whey protein; drink green tea. Let the bowel evacuation commence!
Brittany Says: Let the bowel evacuation come fashionably late. Obviously we all want our men to take care of themselves, but do men really consider this? For some reason, I do not see this happening in the real world. Can you? A veggie plate and a football game? A green tea and a poker tournament? I get it, it’s great advice to get that bowel business started, but all the men out there, just eat a fiber tablet or something… with the buffalo wings.

Maxim Says: Your Love Life: Are the fights getting vicious? Has the sex ceased? Would you rather do anything (work late, bar-hop, cut yourself?) than clock time with her? If yes, it’s a dead-end dude.
Brittany Says: Um, whoa. We went from bar-hop to cut yourself? That’s a little extreme, isn’t it? And this entire line does not do justice for all the men out there (considering it makes them look like lazy, careless, sex-fiends). So does this mean, if you’re not ready to cut yourself yet, it’s not a done deal?

This week’s article warns men to get rid of emasculating trends in their relationship. I didn’t realize this was such a problem, but apparently men are being emasculated from coast to coast and someone at AskMen thinks it needs to stop.

And he means business.

The article puts men in their place right from the start: “When women emasculate us, it’s often because we let them do it. Our wives don’t want to think of us as anything less than men — they only think about us like that when we act like that. All those emasculating trends in our relationships, we’re complicit in them. If you no longer feel like the man of the house, it’s at least partly your fault.”

Of course, showing any signs of having an actual human soul will lead your girlfriend to see you as a girly child and treat you as such. If you’re not pounding your chest and tearing the flesh off a dead zebra, something is very, very wrong with you. And your lady hates it.

Let’s see what the “men” at AskMen advises the boys to do:

AskMen says: Stop asking for her opinion… It can get dangerously easy to defer to her when making a simple decision, like which restaurant to go to, either because you want her to be happy or because you honestly don’t care. There’s nothing wrong with asking for input periodically, but incessantly asking her what she wants to do tonight, or what she’s thinking about, will only irritate her.

I say: I would love a man to ask my opinion on something and actually care what the response is. It shows that you really care about someone when you consider their own wants and needs as well as your own. And, no, I don’t think a guy is super girly if he asks me what restaurant I’d prefer.

Askmen says: No good can come from baby talk. It’s one of the most common emasculating trends in a relationship. You may think it’s cute; she may think it’s cute, but we can guarantee she doesn’t think it’s sexy, and in a relationship sexy trumps cute 100% of the time.

I say: I baby-talk with my boyfriend and love it. We both recognize that it’s a bit ridiculous, but it’s fun to have a break from proper English now and then. And I may not find it sexy, but he does.

Askmen says: Stop whining… We understand she’s your significant other, and if you’re worried about losing your job or about your Dad’s health, she’s obviously your go-to person. Just try to keep minor annoyances to yourself.

I say: This is probably good advice for relationships and friendships. No one wants to be around someone who can only see negatives in life. But don’t be afraid to talk to your girlfriend if something is really bothering you, even if it is just a little thing like an mean comment from a coworker or a headache. It will probably make her feel good to know you want to go to her with that stuff. This is a relationship, after all – aren’t we supposed to put our guards down and be who we are?!

Askmen says: One way to remind her you’re a man, is to remind her she’s a woman. So get traditional. Take her out to dinner and choose the restaurant yourself. Buy her flowers and open the car door for her. Pay for the meal. Going a little old school is a great way to reverse emasculating trends. It will remind her that you’re a gentleman — emphasis on the man part. You’re a guy who can take care of her and make her feel like a lady.

I say: Ah, gender roles at their finest. Any women would appreciate a nice meal or flowers now and then, but remember that we don’t need men to take care of us and make us ladies.

All in all, this article is basically a bunch of gender stereotypes compiled into a neat little list. It’s about time men stop worrying so much about being “men” and start focusing on being humans. Because the most emasculating thing of all? Turning to a website to teach you how to be a “real man.”

Take that, AskMen.com!

This Week’s Article: 5 Lies All Women Tell by askmen.com.

This article’s tag line is: “If she’s said any of these things to you, she’s lying.” Starting off with a gross generalization is never a good thing, but let’s take a look at what lies the boys at AskMen think we’ve been telling. All of us. Every time we speak.

“I’m not mad at you.”

Askmen says: “Oh, yes she is. Don’t think you’re getting off that easily. This lie is one of the most frequently used in relationships. Typically, women who have been hurt by men in their lives — often inadvertently — use this phrase as an emotional defense. For example, if a guy forgets his girlfriend’s birthday, calls her by his ex’s name or commits any of the other minor screw ups that most men do on a daily basis, women usually can’t just let it go. They dwell on it, letting worries whittle away normal feelings of well-being like a dog gnaws on a bone.”

I say: This is true some of the time, but there are definitely times we really just aren’t mad! Really! And if we are, we don’t all let it “whittle away normal feelings of well-being”; we can get over things, you know. The best way to get around this confusion is to encourage open and honest communication from the start of a relationship.

“I don’t mind if you go to strip clubs with the boys.”

Askmen says: “If this one sounds too good to be true, that’s because it is. Word to the wise: Virtually all women mind when their men go out to ogle other women at strip clubs without them.”

I say: I love strip clubs. I’ve even done amateur night. I don’t mind if you go and I’ll probably ask to come along!

“I’m just not ready for a boyfriend right now.”

Askmen says: “The truth is, if the woman is single and at all interested in you, she will certainly make the time to date you. It’s that simple.”

I say: That’s true. But it’s important to note that dating and being boyfriend-girlfriend are not necessarily the same things, and it’s possible she just wants something more casual.

“I don’t mind picking up the tab tonight; you always pay anyway.”

Askmen says: “Not true. Although this lie doesn’t apply to all women, most still do expect men to pay for things, especially if the man asked them out in the first place. They will secretly think that the guy is cheap if he wriggles out of the bill on a regular basis.”

I say: Not true. My boyfriend and I split everything, because we’re both broke at the moment. I don’t think less of him at all.

“That was f*cking great!”

Askmen says: “This lie falls under the broad category of sex lies. When women are committed to a man, they focus on him, often believing, time and time again, that he is “the one.” Because girls have this tendency, they also tell guys whatever they think they want to hear (like they just had an orgasm), just to make them feel good about themselves.

I say: So anytime we say we’ve had an orgasm, it’s really just our secret hope that you are our soulmate? (And that we want to spend the rest of our lives with someone who can’t satisfy us!?) This sounds scarily like it falls under the old school “women don’t like sex but do it to keep men happy” train of thought, and that is just wrong.

What are some lies you girls have actually told?

This article is nothing but a load of misogynistic crap about women being submissive to men. It open’s with: “Women like to be controlled and dominated. Don’t fool yourself into believing that they don’t. They do… Secretly all women desire to submit to the will of their man.”

Of course, he is sure to include a disclaimer: “First off, I’m not promoting any man to beat any woman. You can dominate her without putting the “smack down” on her.” That’s right boys, stick to verbally abusing your women, please.

And it only gets worse – much, much worse – from there.

How should a man respond when a women is nagging him? Because that’s all we ever do, right?
Miller suggests saying the following:  “WOMAN! Last time I checked I was the one with the penis in this house. You better go in that kitchen and get my dinner on the table!” Miller goes on to explain that if she tries to talk back and argue, “just shake your head no and point to the kitchen. She’ll get the message. By doing this you will subconsciously reinforce the fact that you are the dominant one in the household. You’re the man and your word is the only one that counts in the end.”
I say: Is this guy for real? Does he honestly think any self-respecting woman is going to just scurry off to the kitchen because the man with the penis said so?

And what about when you’re out shopping and she wants a new dress?
Miller suggests: “Look, you ain’t getting no new dress. Matter of fact, you be lucky if I took you to the thrift store and bought you a dress for fifty cent.”
I say: Apparently it is impossible to dominate a woman without also abusing the English language.

As if dominating women in the kitchen and at the store isn’t enough, Steve also thinks it’s important to dominate us in the bedroom.
Miller suggests: “Make sure you have her perform oral sex on you. She’s your wife and she should be willing to do that. It’s part of her being submissive. You must wear her out. You should wear her out.”
I say: I agree that a good partner should want to please you in the bedroom, but I don’t agree with raping your wife’s throat. And I most definitely don’t agree with not returning the favor.

Miller goes on: Even more important than getting a blow job, though, is making sure she makes you a sandwich afterward. Why? “The reason why you do this is prove that she has been thoroughly dominated and she will express this by submissively getting ‘her man a sandwich.’ Matter a fact, she should be telling her girlfriends ‘My husband, did it so good to me, he had me up making sandwiches and kool-aide after we got done. And I could barely even walk, girl.’”
I say: I feel sick…

Have you girls had any experience with men like this? Do you think there is ANY truth to the idea that women want to be dominated?

While searching for bad advice articles for this week’s column, I came (teehee) across one article that I loved so much I had to share it with all of you. The article is about female orgasm and it packages some of the best sex advice men can get into a relatively short and easy-to-read article. While this article gives me hope that guys might be learning something out there in the big world of men’s mags, it also worries me that those same guys will internalize everything they catch on these sites.

But, what can I do about it? If dudes are learning how to please a lady, who am I to argue?
Ladies, read this article with your partner!!

This Week’s Article: 10 Lessons About The Female Orgasm by Men’s Health.

Some highlights:

Men’s Health Says:“Just as you’re concerned about lasting longer, many women are so self-conscious about taking too long that they end up faking orgasm or deciding to go without.”
I Say: YES! This is one of my biggest insecurities during sex, but I didn’t realize it was so common!

Men’s Health Says: “Talent—more than rugged good looks or a chiseled midsection—is a powerful aphrodisiac, according to research by my colleagues at The Kinsey Institute.”
I Say: This is so true. A passionate, talented man is SO much more attractive to me than a blonde model-boy.

Men’s Health Says: “During foreplay, gently brush the tops, bottoms, and sides of her breasts; these areas are actually more sensitive than an unaroused areola and nipple.“
I Say: I HATE when boys go straight to the nipples and start pinching and twisting. I’m not a radio that needs tuning! Please, focus on the entire boob. Both of them!

Men’s Health Says: “Lie next to her, lightly bracing the heel of one hand just above her clitoris. Now run your ring and middle fingers along the length of her outer lips. Graze the skin at first, adding pressure as the tension builds. Cup the area around her clitoris with your palm to add indirect stimulation—most women are too sensitive to receive direct contact early on…”
I Say: Yes, yes, and yes…

Men’s Health Says: “We love it when you try new things, and it’s important to vary your technique, but once you’ve found a winner, stick with it until she crosses the finish line.”
I Say: There is nothing more frustrating then being RIGHT THERE and having you change the rhythm or angle and losing it completely. Of course guys only have the best intentions, but if the lady is enjoying herself it’s always good to stick with what works until we initiate a change.

Men’s Health Says: “A woman’s orgasm threshold drops after her first one, so it’s often easier to bring her to climax through penetration after she’s already had one. How does that sound for an encore?”
I Say: I didn’t know this but I’m glad I do now. Bring on the multiples!

There are even more great tips in the article, so get your ass over to Men’s Health and read it!

Do you ladies have any more suggestions for pleasing a woman in bed?

Just like we are always wondering what guys are thinking (which usually consists of sex, sports, beer and sex), guys want to know what’s on our minds. What do we want? What do we like? What the hell do we mean when we curtly say “it’s fine” after they push us to order the salad instead of the pasta?

Contrary to popular belief, they care what we think. Not only because they want to please us, but because they want to woo us, lure us…and get us into their beds.

So, we at CollegeCandy decided it was time to let guys know exactly what we like/hate/and dream about at night. So, vote, comment and pass this on to those boys in your life. And remember: unlike sex with most college men, this is all for you in the end.

When considering a boy-toy, which do you prefer: the sensitive guy who is in touch with his feelings, or the strong guy with the tough exterior?

[For more dating and relationship fun join the CollegeCandy Facebook group!] 

Just like we are always wondering what guys are thinking (which is usually sex, boobs, or sex), guys want to know what’s on our minds. What do we want? What do we like? What the hell do we mean when we curtly say “it’s fine” after they get us a push-up bra for our birthday?

Contrary to popular belief, they care what we think. Not only because they want to please us, but because they want to woo us, lure us…and get us into their beds.

So, we at CollegeCandy decided it was time to let guys know exactly what we like/hate/and dream about at night. So, vote, comment and pass this on to those boys in your life. And remember: unlike sex with most college men, this is all for you in the end.

When it comes to menfolk, which do you flock to: popped collar preppy boys, or the soccer ball toting sporty guys?

Just like we are always wondering what guys are thinking (which is usually sex, boobs, or sex), guys want to know what’s on our minds. What do we want? What do we like? What the hell do we mean when we curtly say “it’s fine” after they cancel our recording of The Hills to record some crap on Spike TV?

Contrary to popular belief, they care what we think. Not only because they want to please us, but because they want to woo us, lure us…and get us into their beds.

So, we at CollegeCandy decided it was time to let guys know exactly what we like/hate/and dream about at night. So, vote, comment and pass this on to those boys in your life. And remember: unlike sex with most college men, this is all for you in the end.

How do you like your men: natural scent or enhanced by a spray of cologne?

Just like we are always wondering what guys are thinking (which is usually sex, boobs, or sex), guys want to know what’s on our minds. What do we want? What do we like? What the hell do we mean when we curtly say “it’s fine” after we catch them chatting with a whore another girl at the party?

Contrary to popular belief, they care what we think. Not only because they want to please us, but because they want to woo us, lure us…and get us into their beds.

So, we at CollegeCandy decided it was time to let guys know exactly what we like/hate/and dream about at night. So, vote, comment and pass this on to those boys in your life. And remember: unlike sex with most college men, this is all for you in the end.

What is more important to you: a guy who is well groomed (read: pretty), or a guy who is well-read (read: intelligent)?