The editors at Seventeen Magazine probably have more holiday spirit than your crazy neighbor who keeps his Christmas decorations and manger scene up (and lit) all year round.  If my internship there taught me one thing, it’s this: the December/January holiday bonanza of an issue is more crucial than every fashion magazine’s September issue combined.

Like, it’s a big deal.

Which is probably why I was so damn disappointed with my magazine this month.  I’m not saying this issue wasn’t amazing, I’m just saying it’s like the series finale of Jersey Shore. It’s hard to live up to the expectations, you know?

Of course, Taylor Swift is a perfect cover girl (even though her little quote about “rarely being the girl with the boyfriend” was kind of annoying.  You are dating JYKE GYLLENHAAL, for crying out loud!)  I mean, yeah, her curly ques and inspirational quotes are a tad irritating, but the twelve-year-old girl inside me totally eats it up, so I’m guessing the rest of the Seventeen readers do too.

Every year, Seventeen chooses celebrity style stars for this encyclopedia of an issue and this year’s choices were kind of…eh.  I mean, what the HELL was Victoria Justice wearing?  Is that nightgown/cardigan/MATCHING BELT getup supposed to be some nod to pajama chic?  And Taylor Momsen? Really? When are people going to realize that this girl is BAD FOR HUMANITY?

But I kept flipping through the pages, attempting to put off studying just a wee bit longer. I got some fancy makeup tips for NYE. I got the urge to buy a sequined dress. I got sucked into an article about avoiding party predators (because a title that includes the words ‘party’ and ‘predators’ is just too good to pass up) and learned to avoid the Four Loko. In an article about Facebook’s role in a romantic relationship, I learned that just because a guy doesn’t change his relationship status the second you make it official DOESN’T always mean he’s cheating. A guy who puts you on limited profile, though? That guy is sha.dy. Read More »

Seventeen magazine is supposed to inspire and mold the teens of this fine country into virtuous women, yes? So is anyone else incredibly worried that the November cover girl is none other than, Ke$ha, the hot mess who doesn’t value oral hygeine? Or that the words “AMAZING HAIR” are plastered over her straggly locks? Or that, in an interview with the infamous party girl, she expressed her dream of “starting a youth movement” with her latest album?

I mean, should we really be promoting Jack Daniels-fueled riots to 14-year-old girls?!

But that wasn’t even the most WTF part of this month’s issue. That title might go to the editors’ sage advice to send a “flirty” text message to the 8th grade boy you like by saying, “what would we be doing if I was with u right now?”  So flirty texting is the new euphemism for middle school sexting?  Cool.

But wait! There’s more. And it makes sexting advice look like a Disney movie.

Welcome to Seventeen’s guide to decoding the etiquette and mystique that surrounds America’s favorite pastime: porn. [Flips back to the cover to verify that she did not accidentally pick up an issue of Maxim.]

“The Real Deal About Dirty Movies”

Seventeen Says: “The bottom line is: as long as it’s not keeping you from doing things you enjoy or need to do, like going out with your friends on Friday night or finishing homework, you’re probably not addicted.”
Zara says: Maybe it’s just me, but I find something horribly wrong when possible porn addiction is addressed to people who have to “finish up homework.” Is this really a problem for pre-pubescent girls!? Read More »

Ok, wow – the September issue of Glamour is so thick and heavy I want to beat Spencer Pratt over the head with it whenever he tries to find enlightenment and become a better person by wearing tie-dye and rubbing his face with crystals.  It’s stock full of over 400 (!!) pages and it’s the biggest issue in 20 years.

That’s a lot room for ad space fabulous articles, Glamour. This is good!  Just another reason to love September.

Well, first of all – this issue was tantalizingly fabulous.  Honestly, after flipping through 89 pages of ads, I read it cover to cover in about 2 hours – the way you read a magazine when you have a lot of time on your hands and you want to sink everything all in (reading the copy of the ads and the editor’s note).  September’s Glamour featured a lengthy spread with Justin Bieber awkwardly hanging out in an arcade with a (significantly older) female model.  However, J-Lo spiced up the pages with a totally hot photo shoot wearing leopard print, writing on mirrors with lipstick, and eating Chinese take-out decked out in stilettos and cat woman glasses. Standard.

Other articles told me what my headaches really mean, how to perfect a beautoumous blow-out, a fab article about perfecting the ‘classic look’ with Tommy Hilfiger, and the ever-so-helpful ‘Girl’s Guide to Appetizers,’ which made me curse everything I’ve lived for since I’ve thought quesadillas were the healthy choice.  At 1,000 calories a pop, Glamour claimed otherwise. For some reason I just received the same feeling in the pit of my stomach as I did when my mother told me Santa Clause wasn’t real.

Anywho, within in the depths of the juicy pages of Glamour this month (I seriously had such a such a good time reading this issue that I brought it with me to the bathroom….twice. Stupid quesadillas…), a particular article made me stop my heavy page scanning in my tracks. Entitled ‘Six Ways to Rule the World,’ I, an ambitious yet unemployed recent grad, was ready for some inspiration. Read More »

The minute, and I mean the minute, I spotted Britney Spear’s discolored blond extensions on the cover of Cosmopolitan this month, I grasped the magazine tightly in my fingertips, sighed extravagantly and hugged my copy. This means I get to read one of those famous Cosmo Quizzes filled out by B. Spears!

Which is so rad.

Except, is it just me or is Miss Spears just not the same as she used to be? She’s like the girl in high school who got pregnant after graduation and you saw her at your high school reunion wearing Candies. Oh, wait (hehe).  It’s OK Brit Brit; at least you didn’t scribble down “Beating Cars With Umbrellas” as an answer for “I Feel Most Powerful When…”

Anyway, after dissecting every word from Britney’s personally written interview, I moved on.  I predictably and shamelessly scanned the waxy pages of Cosmo and came across some of those “classic” [i.e. New Sex Survey!] Cosmo articles.  Amongst the extensive sex advice lived an incredibly pointless list of “Straight-to-DVD Movies We’d Like to See” in which Cosmo completely created a list of ‘fake’ movies  [i.e. a movie called; Vice Versa which features George Clooney and Justin Bieber]. This movie allows the two to switch bodies so it would be less creepy for grown women to sweat over Justin Bieber. One question, Cosmo: What grown women are actually breaking a hot sweat over J-Beebs?

Another one of my favorite articles was an entire spread dedicated to analyzing John Mayer’s G-Spot Geometry.  Need I go any further? For the sake of your well-being and mine, probs not.  But I will share another article with you, because I think it is so LOL-worthy.  It’s called, “Feel Sexier Instantly: 50 Quick Tricks.” Great, a list! All the better and easier to poke fun, my dear! Read More »

Is this chic enough for the cereal aisle?

Okay, I’ll admit it: I spend a decent chunk of my time gawking at the heinous outfits documented on Go Fug Yourself, a site where two hilarious writers analyze the wacky get-ups worn by the rich and supposedly stylish. There’s something so satisfying about seeing how even gorgeous celebrities, who are endowed with personal stylists, makeup artists, and assistants upon assistants, can somehow leave their mansions thinking that things like this (or this! And don’t forget this!) actually look good.

But even though the Fug Girls can get a little vicious from time to time—any celeb wearing leggings instead of pants better be prepared to get seriously ripped apart by these ladies—I really admire the fact that their site generally only critiques the crazy things stars wear to high-profile events, like movie premieres and awards shows. Even these bitchy bloggers try to stay away from criticizing boldface names for throwing on ratty jeans and sweatshirts while they’re walking their dogs, or pumping gas, or doing any of the other menial chores that gossip rags love to say make stars seem Just Like Us. That’s because everyone knows that sometimes, it’s nice to forget fashion and wear whatever’s comfortable—especially if you’re just out running errands.

Well, everyone but Suze Yalof Schwartz of Glamour Magazine. In January, Schwartz took a trip to a Whole Foods store in search of women whose choice of garb left something to be desired. Her quest to take unsuspecting shoppers from “eek to chic” was documented for a Glamour Don’ts to Dos segment on the Today Show. Read More »

I can’t speak for every school, of course, but at Columbia, it’s hard out there for a single girl. According to statistics I made up just now, approximately half the guys at this place are gay, thirty percent of them are in long-term relationships, and the remaining twenty are generally kinda weird. (Many in a cute way, but some in a… not so cute way.) The fact that there’s an all-girls’ college right across the street doesn’t help matters.

With all that in mind, I’m certainly open to hearing tips on how to successfully snag a dude. So when I saw an article on marieclaire.com called “How to Date Like a Man,” I was intrigued.

The piece starts out pretty innocuously: “When you walk into a place, act like you know where the hell you’re going, even if you don’t. Everyone will wonder who you are and why you’re there, but they’ll never think you’re useless and confused,” writes Erin Dailey in her first paragraph. Okay, so far, so sensible. Looking confident and carefree is definitely more attractive than looking frightened and meek. It’s a little irksome that Dailey genders confidence as a masculine trait, but whatevs, I won’t fight it.

After that, though, things start to get a little iffy. Dailey tells women that once they’ve found a hottie, they should “look him straight in the eye and think, You should be attached to my lips by now; why aren’t you? Trust me, he’ll read your thoughts like they’re projected above your head on a wide-screen.”

Hm… I don’t know about this one. It seems like if you’re giving a guy a crazy, unblinking stare, he’s most likely going to think, What’s up with Captain Bug Eyes? and back away slowly. That sample thought—“You should be attached to my lips by now”—and the title of this section of the article, “Eye Your Prey,” also give this piece of advice a seriously creepy vibe. Dailey sounds like she’s decided to make Samantha Jones her personal man-handling guru, which makes her suggestions seriously suspect.

And things just go downhill from here. Dailey’s next bit of wisdom is to “fake interest” in whatever the dude is talking about, since “no one cares about what anyone else has to say. They just don’t.” Ouch, man. Why bother chatting up a guy if you have to feign enthusiasm for whatever he’s talking about? How could you form a relationship with someone you find totally boring? This just sounds mean.

Finally, Dailey tells us what to do after we have sex with the dude (because you should have sex with him immediately, since “that’s pretty much all they want from you until they get to know you.” And presumably letting him get to know you is like, too time-consuming or something?): “Never exchange all your information. This is so incredibly important. Give him your name. Give him a fake cell number. In this age of the Internet, anyone can find you if they want to.”

See, if you do give him your real cell number, “he will call you.” But… isn’t that the point? How are the two of you going to go out on another date if he can’t get in touch with you? I’m not the only one who thinks this sounds totally bizarre, right?

Maybe this article is actually supposed to be brilliant satire, and I’m too dense to recognize it. Maybe the title is just a little misleading; if it were changed to “How to Date Like a Douchebag,” or maybe “How to Score a One-Night Stand,” these tips would make a lot more sense. As advice for the date-seeking woman, though, Dailey’s piece falls flat. It’s also kind of offensive to guys, since in her eyes, “dating like a dude” means acting like a total a**hole. Thanks but no thanks, Marie Claire.

Because I spent kindergarten through 8^th grade at a single-sex school, I didn’t have too many interactions with guys until I was about 14. That means that for much of my life, most of the stuff I “knew” about people with Y-chromosomes came from poring over the pages of mags like Seventeen and Glamour.

Maybe that’s why for nearly a decade and a half, I was under the impression that boys were an entirely different species that thought and acted in ways totally opposite from those of women. I had no idea how to talk to dudes because I figured that I could have absolutely nothing in common with any of them. They were from Mars, and I was from Venus; they got mini-Hotmobiles in their Happy Meals while I had to make due with miniature Barbie dolls. As far as I knew, that was just the way the world worked.

Since then, of course, I’ve learned that guys and girls really aren’t that dissimilar. Sure, maybe they’re more likely to enjoy movies that feature explosions and we’re more likely to watch anything starring Meryl Streep, but real people prove that even such widely agreed-upon stereotypes have plenty of exceptions—especially since those old clichés also assume that all men and women are hetero.

But even though dudes and chicks can’t actually be separated into two conflicting groups, magazines still insist on bifurcating men and women into opposing sides. Hell, the entire women’s magazine industry is predicated on the assumption that all men behave the same way—and that women can only understand men if they read publications that promise to decode their mystifying manners. Read More »

Last week I asked the CollegeCandy writers to share their biggest piece of advice for dudes. Then I passive aggressively sent that link to every guy I know. What can I say? I’m a philanthropist.

This week I asked the writers to dole out the advice again. This time, though, we’re dishing it to the ladies. Not because we hate, but because we want to stop our fellow females from making huge life mistakes. YOu know, like wearing full makeup to the gym or starving themselves to fit some unrealistic standard of beauty.

Share your own nuggets of wisdom and advice with your sistas in the comments section.

Kiki – University of Missouri: Friends don’t let friends date Justin Bobbys. Also, you can probably get that top for $24.80 at Forever 21.

Gemma – NYU: Cliche but true: chicks before dicks. Men can be awesome, but you’ll have more fun if you spend less time thinking about ‘em, do what makes you happy, enjoy your kick-ass friends, and then let a lucky fella or two come along for the ride.

Alex – Lakehead University: Don’t compromise yourself for a boy. You won’t have to change anything about yourself when someone loves you.

Leah – Ryerson University: If you have to think about whether a piece of clothing is too short or too tight, it probably is. Read More »

I’ll admit it: I’ve got a thing for relationship self-help books. When I’m working the floor at my local bookstore, I can’t help but skim through the latest additions to the section (though I pray no one sees me…) Maybe it’s the colorful covers or the catchy titles; I mean who can pass up a book with the word “bitch” right on the front? Since I’m somewhat of a connoisseur in the area, I decided to write about my favorite for all you gals out there!

“Why Men Love Bitches” is as sassy as the title suggests, and that is precisely what I love about it! Sherry is hard-hitting, honest and, most importantly, RIGHT.

Now the word “bitch” comes with all sorts of negative connotations: rude, stuck-up, conceited and all sorts of other nasty adjectives. But that’s not the kind of bitch Sherry is writing about. In “Why Men Love Bitches,” the bitch is confident, not cocky, knows her worth and is not willing to settle for any schmuck.

Sherry empowers women and made me realize that I should not being chasing desperately after any man. That strips me of my dignity and I am better than that; in fact, every women is! If a man is making you run after him, you should turn your heels and bolt in the other direction. This is a clear signal that you will never feel good enough for him. There is a fine line between effort and desperation and Sherry definitely helped me clarify that and all my expectations when pursuing a man. Read More »