Don’t blame yourself…necessarily. Look, you don’t know until you try. I mean, there was no way to predict he didn’t want to take it further, right?

If he introduces you to his buddy that just got out of a long-term relationship…he probably just wants to be friends.

If you don’t catch him looking down your blouse, EVER…he probably just wants to be friends.

If he offers to go buy tampons with you…he probably just wants to be friends.

If he thinks the world’s a cesspool of hedonistic trivial bullsh*t…he probably just wants to be friends.

If he shows you the sex tape he made with Chyna…he probably just wants to be friends.

If he’s got Hugh Jackman posters on his wall from “The Boy From Oz” and sings “Rio” at karaoke…he probably wants to be friends.

If he asks you to be a spotter while playing “the choking game”…could go either way (That one I’ve…okay, TMI).

Look, just because there were signs doesn’t mean it’s a crime not to have noticed them. The heart wants what the heart wants…but you can’t always get what you want. We all know the blinders we put on when we become infatuated. It’s like wearing beer goggles only rose tinted. We all get “drunk” on lust and love and hope.

I’m a firm believer that everyone speaks a different dialect of the language of love (and sex). Mixed signals. A drunken/lonely/random/Chuck marathon-filled night. Introducing you to his best friends and parents. Kissing you on the mouth when you say hello or goodbye. Telling you he loves you. All of these things SHOULD mean he wants to cross the border from BFF to BF. But they don’t always.

The best revenge on getting busted with your bum hanging out is this: don’t let the bastards get you down. And don’t let them keep you down. The harshest rejection is the one you give yourself because you were too “stupid” or “ugly” or anything else you convince yourself in a moment of shame (undeserved shame) to be true that ISN’T.  You didn’t “make a mistake” or “ask for it” sometimes what you think and another person thinks don’t mesh. The same events, gestures, or phrases can be interpreted in two different ways. It happens. All the time. Every day.

Until you can read minds, you’ll never be able to know for sure how far he wants to go unless you put yourself out there. And putting yourself out there means you’ve got bigger balls than he does. That’s not a bad thing, that’s…exquisite.

Cheers to you who were willing to go for what you wanted. You’ll never be the one who sits around and waits while events unfold to determine the course of your life, you made a stand (paraphrasing the best movie ever made about cutting school).

More than a friend,

The Dude

1.    “I’ve got too many things on my plate right now”

Sometimes, you just don’t need 1 more thing to deal with. Who hasn’t been there? You’ve got career or family or school or all three plus an addiction to True Blood to serve. There are only so many hours in the day and you’ve got to put your energies to what’s most important. Sometimes on the list of priorities, a boy (especially one that’s driving you up walls) isn’t near the top. Respect.

2.    “You’re still living with your parents and you’re 30”

Hey, in this economy, living back home with the family is a fiscally responsible decision. But that’s not what we’re talking about here. We’re talking about the guy who’s got no direction BUT home. When it comes to ambition, a lot of guys fail. Just, fail. They’re unmotivated and uninterested in being their own person. Who the hell needs that much extra dead weight dragging you down?

3.    “You slept with my best friend”

Or your sister. Your worst enemy. Your econ professor. 6 other people since you’ve been going out…This doesn’t just deserve a break up. Tar. Feather. Castrate.

4.    “I’m not your fucking servant”

A relationship is often called a partnership. It’ll never be a perfect 50-50 but a fluctuating 60-40 constitutes the practical ideal. When he’s got your needs choking on his wants, belittling your dreams as secondary to his, and living part-time with another woman while you keep a place for him tidy at your apartment, that’s not a partnership. It’s a damn near dictatorship. Or is he just a tyrant? I get them confused sometimes. Bottom line: equal rights aren’t just under the law or in the workplace, but between two people who decide to commit to one another. When he decides to make it 90-10, time to bailout yourself.

5.    “I’m not your flipping mother”

This one’s sorta the flipside to number 4. Rather than being under his thumb, he won’t get off your dick. Taking care of someone constantly isn’t fair to you. How about he gives you a back rub every once in a while? If he’s too scared to sleep in the dark unless you read him a bedtime story, then it’s time to yell “Lights out” and walk away. Mama’s boys, ugh!

6.    “I’m not just a sex toy”

You’re not just a pair of boobs and a holy triangle. Some creeps use you for what God gave ya (and/or you maintain in the gym/training for a triathalon). Which is bullsh*t. Hell, I’m not saying I’ve got anything against flings, trysts, or FWB. But don’t let him promise you the moon and only go to the mattress. Odds are, with what God gave ya, you could get a boytoy, but if you want more than that, don’t settle for anything than less.

7.    “I don’t want to marry you”

He proposed after 3 dates. He proposes after 3 weeks of dating without you meeting each other’s families. He proposes when he’s WELL aware you are not marriage minded. Deal, breaker. Some guys are desperate and think marriage is the answer to all of life’s woes. Or they’re just commitment freaks. Either way, you’re not ready, willing, able, or need a green card bad enough to take the plunge.

8.    “Always cumming and, and going and cumming, and always…too soon”

Look, maybe you’re not looking for a 60 minute man but at least more than a 75 second one. He can be the sweetest man on Earth. But sometimes a wet noodle under the covers is just too damn much to handle (or not enough, depending on the case). Sex is an expression of passion and intimacy. You don’t have to make the whole relationship revolve around it, but you don’t have to settle for going without ever having a mind-blowing orgasm that wasn’t battery operated.

9.    “You won’t go down? Then, get out!”

You can’t just be the giver all the time. Any arguments?

10. “You’re not over your ex”

Don’t you just f*cking hate that? Here you thought it was your happy ending, and you realize you’re the girl he’s got to go through before he goes back to his one true love? The good news is, you can hire a screen writer, sell it to Sony, and get Marc Webb to direct it for you.

11. “There’s someone else”

Maybe it’s not that he’s hung up on another girl but you can’t get past another guy. When it comes to finding and being with the right guy, it’s not a one or two-way street…more like a highway with a roundabout every 500 ft.

12. “I made a mistake and it was you”

Sometimes you realize that he should have stayed a one-night stand. Hey, at least you gave it the old college try, right? Now you know. No!

13. “I’m just not into you anymore”

This one works both ways. It knows no gender. And it gets used a lot. Sometimes, affection is fleeting and lust flounders. This isn’t because you misjudged who he was or had delusions of a great love story. You just realize that you don’t want to be with him any more. Is it BS? Is it just an excuse? You tell me.

Man, this list could have been a heck of a lot longer. Honorable mentions include “I’m not your punching bag”, “You’d vote for Palin?”, “We’re better off as friends”, “Why didn’t you tell me you hunt wabbits? (mostly for the PETA friendly crowd)”, and “You told me you were wearing a condom!” Why didn’t they? Well, numbers didn’t quite add up. Now that you’ve seen this larger than usual Dude’s List, let me have it. What’d I miss? What lines have you used? Did you mean them? Time to duke it out in the comments, no holds barred!

Because I’m The Dude, and I’m….AWWWWWWESOMMMMME!

1. “I Really Have To Focus On My Career Right Now”

The age-old question: Happiness or success? (Okay, it’s not that old of a question and that’s not always the question.) A lot of guys are trapped in their ambition. Or a slave to it. Or just really, really narcissistic. Sometimes the job comes before the relationship. It’s a choice. Is it the right choice? That’s not for me to make a judgment on. Every relationship versus job scenario is filled with more variables than cafeteria mystery meat. In this economy, careers are harder to build but women are everywhere, right? I mean, who can be happy in the unemployment line? Some guys are wired to believe that they can’t be happy at home unless happy at the office. Not advocating, just observing. And sometimes I observe guys moving across the country for a dream job, leaving their girlfriend of three years behind.

2. “You Deserve Better”

Have you heard this? Or said it? Did you mean it? Did he? It’s a rewording of “it’s not you, it’s me.” Because now no girl will ever believe that excuse since it’s entered the kingdom of cliché. But hey, some guys do self-sabotage their relationships and truly can’t appreciate what they’ve got, think they’re not worth it, and so break up with you because they think it’s only a matter of time before you realize you could do better. You know what I say to those guys? “F*ck you!” If you ever got this break-up speech, count your blessings, because you were done a favor…even if it felt like a kick in the tits in the moment.

3. “We’re Not On the Same Page”

We’re not on the same page. We’re not reading the same book. The books aren’t even written in the same language. And you know what, yeah, sometimes two people in the same relationship want different things. Oh, you may start in the same place but people grow apart. Distance isn’t just physical but emotional, psychological, and, often, terminal. Remember, we live according to the laws of space and time.

4. “You’re Not Ready for the Next Step”

Hey, sometimes a guy wants to get more serious than you do. He asks you to start looking at apartments, or he’ll drift you over to the ring section of a jewelry store, or he’ll try to sneak into the bathroom before you’ve put on make-up to see what you really look like. There are warning signs for this one. Some are public and some are private (when he leaves the bathroom door open, it’s the hygienic equivalent of “I think you might be the one). If he’s ready, but you’re not…woops there goes another rubber tree.

5. “I’m Not Ready for the Next Step”

Run, Joey, run. Because when you’re the one who wants to take things further and he’s stuck in second gear, he’s ready to jump out before it’s too late.

6. “You Killed My Bunny!”

THIS is a perfectly valid reason.

7. “If You Don’t Kill Your Mother, I Will”

Let’s face it: some people let their families get in the way. Lack of privacy, pure blind hatred, reasonable hatred, there are all types of ways family can feel like they’re wedging into the happiness between two people. A lot of times this one’s the result of the two people in the relationship coming from COMPLETELY different backgrounds. You know that sad old story, he’s from an Irish Catholic cult of twelve children living off of food stamps, she’s a JAP from Jersey, and come the holidays it’s like’s putting peanut butter and toe jam together. It just doesn’t work. Or, another scenario: one person’s controlled by his/her family, and the other can’t understand how he/she doesn’t see it. But what the other person does see is disaster. So, they leave before hitting the iceberg.

8. “I’m Gay”

Try arguing against that. Some guys are conflicted. Fortunately, through your relationship, he realizes that he’s terrified of vaginas and loves penises. Congratulations, you’ve actually just facilitated the most important self-discovery/self-admittance of his life. Your prize? Being suspicious of EVERY man you ever go out with ever again.

9. “I’m Not a Cliff, Stop Clinging to Me!”

A lot of people don’t realize they’re clingers. Others know it but can’t control themselves. Smothering isn’t just done with pillows but heart shaped pillows. Some gals want to move too fast, too soon, and rush right into his personal space. Well, that doesn’t always work out the way they want it to. NO TWO PEOPLE FALL FOR EACH OTHER AT THE SAME RATE! It’s fact. There’ve been studies in India done on this. Attraction happens at the rate of attraction which is different for each organism. By getting too clingy, one is oblivious of the fact that the other person may be operating at a different speed. This is where the old saying of “let it happen” comes out of.

10. “My Dick Is Not A Chew Toy!”

Sexual incompatibility. This can kill a relationship. I know, for some, sex isn’t a deal breaker, it’s the companionship that matters. Well, if you’re sexually incompatible there are ways to work around that or he’s gay. One requires a lot more effort than he might think is worth it and the other is he’s GAY. Some people work well together everywhere except between the sheets and some only function there. Neither scenario usually results in long-term happiness unless you can last past the point where either of you is sexually capable. And since Viagara has made that age 90 for the average man, well, outlasting the problem might not be a viable option either.

11. “I’m Just Not Into You Anymore”

I know a lot of guys who’ve said this. I know a lot of guys who haven’t been able to articulate how it happens. Sometimes, after four months (or four weeks or four hours) he runs out of passion for you. Was there anything to be done? Is it anybody’s fault? Is it just a BS excuse? I don’t know if I have an answer for you. I’d love to hear your opinions, honestly.

Realistically, there could have been a hundred reasons given on this list. I’d polled a number of people and got everything from what you see there to “she was mad at me for beating her at Call of Duty and then when I taught her, she was mad at me for getting beat by her at Call of Duty.” We’ve all heard crazy break-up stories. We’ve all heard some pretty cliché ones, too. But let’s face it, guys aren’t the only ones that dish out break-up lines, are they? More on that in the next Dude’s List! For now, let me know some of the ones that you think should have been on the list and weren’t. And of course, which ones you’ve given…

Check, please!

The Dude

Hey Dude,

So I am a student at Arizona State; that right there says it all. They should put somewhere before going to ASU “Don’t fall in love at this school.” Anyways, a little over a month ago I made the mistake of falling for a boy. We flirted over Facebook, his roommate dates my best friend at school, and he invited me out with him and his guy friends one night. We both had way too much to drink and I was feeling a little too good about myself, and well, long story short, we slept together.

Here I am thinking that I finally have a guy that could possibly like me, or want to pursue something and I mess it up by sleeping with him right away. I am a short blonde girl with features that guys usually notice before they get to know me. I DID NOT WANT THAT TO HAPPEN THIS TIME! We talked a couple more times after that and he visited me at the bar I work at. We had a short lunch one day so I could give him some study guides for a class, then four days later I left to go back home to New Jersey for the summer. And him… Well, he went home too. To CANADA!

Now I can’t stop thinking about him! He asked me to take a class with him in the fall, and we are both living in the same condo complex in the fall as well. We haven’t talked in a long time and I really do not want to lose contact with him. Better yet, for him to continue thinking I am just a girl to have sex with. I am royally confused and have no clue what to do. I know he has no idea of my feelings but I would feel like a weirdo telling him that I can not get him off of my mind. I highly doubt he thinks about me too, but from time to time he continues to like things on my Facebook page. I have never been in a serious relationship and really want to hopefully have one soon. I don’t want to continue screwing things up with this guy so I need help. What in the world would you want the girl to do, if anything?

Sincerely,
Desperate Hopeless Romantic Chick

Dear Hopeless Romantic Chick,

What’s wrong with you? JUST PLAYING! The answer’s actually…nothing.

What I would want from a gal I’ve hooked up with and am probably interested in, in this scenario you’ve shared with us, is for her to show some interest. Just not Leighton Meester a la “The Roommate” level of interest (I saw it, don’t pretend you didn’t)

The fates seem to be nudging you two together this fall, and since you’ve already done some nudging, why not just let it play out? The biggest temptation is to try to take control of a situation that feels less than certain, where you feel vulnerable, exposed, and if I may be so bold, ashamed.  Don’t fall into a Pinky and The Brain mindset. Resist the urge to plan everything you’re going to do, say, wear, sacrifice, to the last detail.

Believe it or not, you’re on the verge of self-sabotage and it’s coming out of some seriously harsh self-judging. Did it hurt your odds of being in a relationship with this guy because you hooked up one drunken night? Maybe, maybe not. I know people who’ve ended up in marriages with first meets just like that…I’ve also known some broken hearts out of such sweaty jumpstarts. It’s more of a case by case basis than organizations like to admit. It sounds like you spent some non-sexy time after it happened, which is a good sign. If you don’t want him to think of you as a booty call then the next time you hang out with him, make sure more than sex’s involved, like, a “Chuck” marathon or, gosh, dinner. Then have sex. Or don’t.

You can’t plot out a relationship trajectory. Not if you want it to be meaningful and last. Let it grow at whatever pace it’s going to.

Dudefucius say: “What keeps us from being happy is often ourselves.” Don’t get in your own way with this boy. Keep in touch over the summer. Read all the books on my upcoming Ultimate Summer Reading List. Then when you’re back on campus, invite him out to a movie or something.

Don’t jump the gun and shoot yourself in the foot! All will be well.

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
The Dude

[Isn't he amazeballs? Sigh, we know. Too bad he's taken. Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

Dear Dude,

I’m having some trouble figuring out what the guy I’m dating wants. We’ve been dating for a month now; he plays in my band and we met in February. He started flirting with me, chatting all the time and texting, until we finally kissed a month ago and we started dating. We go out 2 times a week and I already know all his friends. The problem is that he never had a serious relationship before, so he has no clue! He almost never texts, only for very specific things, and he makes me plan every date. Sometimes we don’t talk for 2 days until one of us finally talks, and I have no idea where is this going.

I really like him but I really don’t want to be played. He says he really likes me and I’m a very fun girl to be with, but that’s all. Is he into me, or just wants to be into my panties?

Thanks for listening! And greetings from Argentina!

— Tell Me What He Wants (What he Really, Really Wants)

Dear Tell Me What He Wants,

Wow! Argentina? We’re crossing borders, ladies. It’s nice to know some things are universal: Esperanto, the joy at Chuck getting a 5^th season, and boys being stupid.

Aristophanes wrote, “Youth ages, immaturity is outgrown, ignorance can be educated, and drunkenness sobered, but stupid lasts forever.” To educate his ignorance, be honest.

If you’re not getting what you feel you need, then you’ve got to tell him. Guys entering their first “adult” relationships are always working with a learning curve. If monogamy’s just a societal construct then we’re double dogged disadvantaged. We can’t just kick into boyfriend mode and, let’s be honest, everyone’s looking for different things from their partner.

It sounds to me like you want him to treat you as more of a priority. You want more attention and affection, you’re feeling neglected, and you think it’s all due to his inexperience. Well, since he doesn’t have an Intersect in his head to upload proper BF conduct, then let him know what you want. Just tell him, “I feel like I’m not important to you and this is why.” How he responds will probably have you writing in next week but, hey, one step at a time.

Things seem pretty casual between you two at the moment. If that’s not working for you then talk about it with him. Communication is key to avoiding insanity. Just be mindful, there’s coming off as concerned and wanting to clear the air, then there’s being clingy. Clingy tends to scare them off. When you do sit him down, be composed and be prepared.

He can be taught! But only if he’s willing to learn. Time to find out whether you’ll be using the carrot or the stick.

Whosoever makes sense of this article, if she be worthy, shall possess the power of,
The Mighty Thor Dude

[Isn't he amazeballs? Sigh, we know. Too bad he's taken. Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

Hi Dude,

I’m finishing up my sophomore year in college and I’m STILL a virgin. I’m not the prettiest pumpkin in the patch, but I’m not unattractive either. I’m confident and kind, and I’m not at all clingy. To be honest, I  haven’t had very many (zero) serious relationships. But also, I don’t want my first time to be a fairytale… A wham-bam-thankya-ma’am would be fine. Just, ANYTHING. But, I can’t, like, go out and act all slutty, go home with some guy and then be like, “Oh, by the way, I’m a virgin.” But I can’t not tell him either… because then what happens when he goes for it, things get all bloody, or I scream or something?

I need help, Dude. My gut tells me that I should chat up one of my guy friends and be like, “Hey, I’m tired of being a virgin, so, let’s f*ck.” Although, that could end horribly.

Bottom line, I want to get this over with so I can start having fun. Please, Dude, tell me how to go about this. (With hopefully as little drama as possible.)

Thank you!!!
- The Twenty Year Old Virgin

Dear The Twenty Year Old Virgin,

How to lose a virginity in 9 steps:

1. Start with the mantra: “I will lose my virginity.” Repeat 10 times daily.

2. Go to a public place where eligible heterosexual males are known to socialize.

3. Pick out one of these males that has strayed from a pack of several (unless you are likewise in a pack, in which case you may all approach together or divide and conquer as a unit)

Optional: Order and consume alcoholic beverages together.

4. Say to said male: “Want to get out of here?”

5. Take him to a private location.

6. Have condoms on you of various sizes.

7. Make the first move.

8. Don’t stop making moves.

9. Break hymen.

It doesn’t have to be a bigger deal than that if you want to git ‘er done. But it sounds to me that by trying so hard to treat it like it’s nothing, you’re actually building it up into a big ass something.

Notice in my 9 steps 2 things were missing: the male mentioned was NOT a friend. Second, there was no point where a confession was made that you’re a virgin. Because the former leads to Gossip Girl-esque drama and the latter is nobody’s f*cking business but yours.

If you bleed? So be it. If you scream? So what? You don’t have to “warn” a guy that you’re a virgin. If you’d feel more comfortable telling him that you are, then of course do that. But you do not need to wear a scarlet V on your little black dress.

There are plenty of young twentysomethings who haven’t turned in their V-card yet. Ladies and men. I’ve known plenty of so-called “pretty” girls that for one reason or another haven’t gotten laid and girls who you wouldn’t go near with a 20 foot pole covered in Lysol that have a stable of stallions to choose from. The underlying factor: confidence. And what’s the key to confidence? Accepting who you are and who you aren’t.

If it’s not a big deal then the next guy you talk up and get the urge to hump, take initiative. To 4 out of 5 guys at 1am on a Friday/Saturday night, “let’s get outta here” is an offer they can’t refuse. It really can be that simple, if you want it to be.

On the other hand, if this is about your comfort then spend a little time working on that. Embrace your virginity! Love it, lick it, touch it, feel it, take it for a walk, write it a song, break it’s heart, make a new heart, just don’t make it something it’s not: a freak flag.

And, if you’re concerned about a guy freaking out over waking up to soiled sheets then get yourself a battery operated fantasy friend and break it yourself (while having so much fun you may question why a man’s necessary in the first place). Really, though, that sorta stuff isn’t as common as you think.

Don’t sweat being virtuous. It’s as big of a deal as you make it. And if others try to give you s*it over it, drop ‘em faster than Lindsay dropped boys. Losing it is all a matter of opportunity meets preparedness. Either make your own or wait for the right one to come along. The gate swings both ways.

Flying the flag proud,
El Dude de Guadalupe

[Isn't he amazeballs? Sigh, we know. Too bad he's taken. Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

Oh, and while we’re on the subject, what is virginity, anyway?

So it seems CollegeCandy’s Dude is the most popular guy, like, ever. You ladies just can’t get enough. You’d think he was Bradley Cooper! (Maybe he is….that’s one secret we’ll never tell.) Luckily, this guy’s a giver (even more reason to love him) and he’s gonna bring you even more of his wisdom. Only instead of answering specific questions, he’s telling us what we all want to know and never had the balls to ask. Don’t worry, he’ll still be back every Wednesday for Ask a Dude!

Welcome to a SUPERSIZED Dude’s List this week where we take a look at guys’ pet peeves with you gals. We’re not perfect and would never claim to be. For one, we’d get in trouble for thinking such an impossibility or those of us who would think we’re perfect assume it goes without being said (screw you, Bieber!) Regardless, here’s a smattering of the little things you do that we sometimes make bigger in our heads, and sometimes make us long for alcohol.

A small disclaimer: Many of the pet peeves on this list have been corroborated by members of the female gender after initial polling of fellow males. I’m all about thoroughness when it comes to research…

1. An hour to powder
Look, we understand that this (imagine me indicating my face) takes a while to put on. A lot of ladies tend to put a bit more thought and effort into how they present themselves. Fair enough. But between the cleansers, exfoliating, acne washes, acid masks, and moisturizers, the minutes of the day are ticking away and WE HAVE TO GET IN THERE, TOO!

2. Being treated as a purse holder
When you pass the purse into our hands at parties, we feel like an accessory rather than a date. We also need two hands. This applies to coats, shoes that are ruining your feet but you wear anyway because they’re pretty, and small dogs.

3. Never putting the seat UP
Honestly, ladies, is it really so much for you, just once in a while, to return the favor? How about on our birthdays?

4. Crying to win arguments
It’s just not fair, damn it!

5. We need space for our s*it, too.
Deodorant, toothbrush, toothpaste, hairbrush, and maybe one small bottle of moisturizer (if that). That’s it! That’s all we need! Yet there’s no space? Not on the shelves, in the cabinets, or even ON THE SINK? When it comes to the powder room, all men can relate to Anne Frank.

6. Dressing us like we’re human-sized dolls
Part of us is grateful that you make sure we look like a worthy reflection of you. Honestly. But it’d also be nice to believe you could trust us to have such a thing as freedom of choice, or the mental capacity of a 6-year-old. It’s not the ends but the means we can’t stand.

7. Blackmailing us with sex
IT’S JUST NOT FAIR, DAMN IT! It’s like challenging a mentally disabled amputee to an iron man competition. It’s not an equal playing field and you know it.

8. Having longer memories
We never came up with, and certainly don’t know how to play, the game of: “Remember that thing you said 3 months ago?” And playing it at 3am? That’s a stacked deck if I ever heard one. We don’t even know we did anything to get us in trouble until the average human being would have forgiven and forgotten. Then you strike!

9. Having shorter memories
How does a compromise for you to clean the bathroom while we clean the kitchen, THAT we made 5 minutes ago, evaporate so quickly from your brains? We suspect foul play’s involved…but we can’t prove it!

10. Immunity to Logic
Whatever happened to the power of proof? We could use the Bible, Wikipedia, Cosmo, People’s History of the United States, or a f*cking hot tub time machine and STILL, STILL, you won’t admit defeat. Because you’re not always right but you’re never wrong…it’s a damn conspiracy I tell you!

11. Ruining our eternal karma by forcing us to kill living creatures
Do you realize the genocide we’ve committed against cockroaches, water bugs, spiders, and small rodents on your behalf? Our next lives will be as amoebas.

12. Oversharing
There’s no question we’re playing with a slight double standard, here. Men talk about sex to their friends, too. But it’s a little more general and idealized. What you ladies do…enough said.

13. Mind reading
Seriously, how do you bloody do that? Are you all secretly endowed with the powers of Emma Frost? And by the way, thinking it isn’t sufficient reason to punish. Pre-crime doesn’t exist…yet.

14. Expecting Us To Be Mind Readers
We’re not superheroes, like you. We rely on something called talking to understand what you want us to do or not to do, or if something’s wrong or if we’re doing something wrong. I know it’s archaic but we don’t have an iBrain yet. We’re waiting for the next generation to come out in white.

15. Asking Us Questions With Only One Right Answer
You don’t look fat in those jeans, that shirt, skirt, your heels, or in the buff! Happy now?

16. Dressing Fashion Appropriate Rather than Weather Appropriate
We should just wear two coats when going out. One for us, one for you when you realize wearing a strapless dress in 40 degrees gets old after 20 minutes. But hey, at least you made sure our jackets color coordinated with your dress. And if one of us is going to freeze, well, it’s only the gentlemanly thing to do. Otherwise we’ll wake up at 3am in 3 months and be raked over the coals for not giving it to you. Then we’ll be on sex rations for at least a month and somehow mind read when our bathroom privileges have been restored.

Now that you’re more aware of the little things that can sometimes have big consequences (or at least that these heretofore unacknowledged actions have been put in print), what say you? What do we do that drives you bonkers? Have we the right to gripe about these little eccentricities or should we just shut up and take ‘em like a man?

Opening the channels of communication,
The Dude

Hi Dude!

Well here’s the deal: my boyfriend and I have been dating for a year or so. Now we’re graduating from high school and (finally!) going to college and he is going to study abroad. Since he was a virgin when we first met (yes, I popped his cherry) I think this could be a really great chance for him to have new experiences… sexy ones. I’ve always been (kind of) popular with guys so I have a lot more experience than him and so we have had some issues with his self-esteem and such.

So … how do I ask him to… you know … “explore” some new possibilities without causing a misunderstanding? I don’t want to break up with him and I really wouldn’t mind if he were to hook up another girl. Actually, I think it would help him feel less curious about how it feels to sleep with someone else. It is not as if I would let him cheat on me every time he feels like it, but (!) I think having an affair would probably help his self-steem.

Thanks for your help!
— Probably Crazy

Dear Probably crazy,
You’re probably one of the most generous girlfriends I’ve ever heard of. I mean, encouraging him to sleep with another woman to help his self-esteem? Wow…that’s so selfless. And dangerous as F*CK!

Let me see if I understand you: You want him to go abroad and sleep with other women, but you want the right to dictate he stop when you think he’s had enough new experiences. That’s, that’s what I’m getting here. Okay. So, here’s just one of several questions that comes to mind: do you get the same leeway? Oh, and then would he have the right to tell you when you shouldn’t cheat?

I’m not saying he doesn’t have an inferiority complex when it comes to between the sheets festivities but what you’re proposing isn’t just for him, it’s for you, and it’s not about creating intimacy but sidestepping it.

Maybe I’m wrong. I admit the possibility. I’m sure his inexperience and insecurity is ruining your mood. I’m sure it’s something you want him to get over. But encouraging him to chase the ball then thinking you can just yank his leash back after he grabs it and wants to play some more is ludicrous. Unless he’s some kind of sex slave. Or has an “off” button. Which would be handy for many relationships.

If you want to open things up and let him have the option of the other 30 flavors then you’ve got to accept the risks. Relationships aren’t a dictatorship (at least not healthy ones). It’s a partnership. If you want to change the terms then he’s got to have a say in the negotiations. And make no mistake, telling him that he should sleep with someone else so that he can be a better partner for you doesn’t sound reassuring or loving, no matter how much whip cream you put on top of it.

I pride myself on being a people pleaser but I can’t give you the permission I think you’d like me to. I’m not saying that polyamorous relationships can’t work, but ones that don’t start that way have a lesser chance for long-term success.

I’d really reconsider what you want out of this relationship or how much you really want it. It sounds to me like you’re trying to give him a chance to convince you to stay in it. Probably crazy, don’t treat him or yourself as possibly stupid. Tell him what you’re not satisfied with and tell him what you need: a break.

Cutting through the sh*t,
The Dude

[Isn't he amazeballs? Sigh, we know. Too bad he's taken. Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Dear Dude,
I have recently found a new guy that I really like and now things are getting exciting in the bedroom department. However, I am very self conscious about my body and I always tend to stop things before they go any further. I would just like to know that if guys pay attention to those things. Like, does he notice my cellulite? The extra weight on my thighs? I know this seems like a ridiculous question, but it’s sorta paralyzing me and I don’t know what to do.

Thank you,
Totally Self Conscious

Dear Totally Self-Conscious,

I can tell you the truth or I can tell you what you want to hear.

Look, a guy’s going to look at all your naughty bits when the brassiere and bottoms come off. We like to. We love to. We have to? It might be a complex (or just, you know, loneliness, horniness, and having relied on porn to see naked women for so long). Does that mean you should be self-conscious? Shoot, you wouldn’t be human if you weren’t…or you’d just be a really super confident one (possibly deluded). It seems to me that a lot of people, no matter what the plumbing, get a little antsy when it’s time to unveil.

In a culture bombarded with images like Heidi Klum’s I’m-still-fabulous-after-four-kids-bitches body it’s not always easy to feel sexy when you haven’t been to the gym since W. was in office. And you live on a diet of Ramen and Domino’s. Fret not, though. How he sees you is completely connected to how you see yourself, or at least how you can convince him you see yourself.

Think sexy, be sexy. It’s not The Secret, it’s psyching yourself up. When it comes to the boudoir, confidence is always sexier (unless you’re playing a dom-sub game). Plus: he’s pictured you naked. He’s taken every subtle (and not so subtle, sorry gals, we’re not exactly ninjas) chance to look down your cleavage and trace the shape of your behind with his eyes. His expectations are actually working for you. Let them.

One idea I can give you to help boost your confidence is to take a long look in the mirror naked. Don’t judge what you see, just look. Take in how beautiful you are. Take stock in and relish what you’ve got. You’ve obviously got something he likes. Find it. Try to see yourself for who you are rather who you’re building yourself up to be. Self-image is self-generated and self-perpetuated. Being comfortable with your body might mean changing your self-image. The quickest and most impactful way to alter that is to strip away your fears and love the facts.

On top of that, try to be on top of the situation next time you’re thinking of getting on top of him. Either buy or wear your favorite underwear. Make sure the next time you’re going to play hide the key that you’re in a place you feel comfortable in. Hell, adjust the freaking lighting. Why not? If it allows you to find your mojo then do it.

Your self-protection sounds like it’s becoming self-sabotage. He will notice and start to prod why you’re attempting to shower with your clothes on. Don’t drop the boy because you’re nervous about dropping the blouse. You’ve got him wanting more. In his mind’s eye you’ve already delivered. Usually people make a mountain out of a mole hill. Don’t. Have fun.

Remember, he’s still got to do a Full Monty for you, too. And let’s face it, a naked woman is sexy, a naked man is funny.  Well think it about, it just hangs there like some kind of…(FADE TO BLACK ON CONVERSATION)

Doing my little turn on the catwalk,
The Dude

[Isn't he amazeballs? Sigh, we know. Too bad he's taken. Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

Dear Dude,

With summer quickly approaching I started to think about what has happened in my love life over the past year and realized something major… I keep hooking up with my guy friends. I’ve always been the “single” girl in my group of friends and have no issues with that. Also, I’ve always been a “guy’s girl,” I just get along better with boys. But last summer (after graduating high school) I ended up hooking up (ranging anywhere from just making out to the full monty) with seven guys. SEVEN. Some of these boys I have known since elementary school! I though that this pattern would end after the summer, but it didn’t. I have seen them on breaks and even visited some of them at their own schools, and every single time, even if I am not planning on it, we end up fooling around!

What I want to know is why. Why did they suddenly start wanting to make out with me instead of just hanging out? Is it because they trust me?

I’m so confused about this and need to know why. I love my boys, I really do, but I really am looking for a man who is willing to commit to me. I don’t really want a romantic relationship with any of them, I want to find someone new, outside of our group of friends who I connect with. But how can I do that while they still want to be my friend with benefits?

Help!
– Can We Just Be Friends?

Dear Can We Just Be Friends?

Are all seven guys shorter than you? Do they room together in a cabin in the forest? And do they sing as they go to work in the morning in a single file line? (Do we all get the joke? Good! Moving on!)

Yes, you can just be friends. Unfortunately, you may end up losing some friends in the process.

Look, FWB isn’t a stable arrangement. It sure as heck rarely ever satisfies both of you for very long and it’s got a half life shorter than a FunnyOrDie clip. It’s like watching Chuck: easy to start, tough to stop. Can you ever go back to the old status quo? Yes and no.

First of all, you’ve got to realize one thing: all SEVEN of these friends probably wanted to hook up with you before you did the deed. A lot of guys don’t start out looking for admittance to the Friend Zone. They get relegated there when they feel rejected. Or they think it’s a temporary halt on the Big O momentum train. Sleazy? Maybe. Disappointing? Depends on how much fun you’re having.  Typical? Definitely. Sorry ladies, but he wouldn’t do anything he hadn’t already thought about. Hooking up with a friend isn’t always, or often, about just trust, but it’s always got to do with horniness.

Now you’re knee deep in thigh high activities and you wish to go no further. Tell them. One of you has to say, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS” or this cycle’s going to keep revolving on its axis with a full turn at every spring break, winter break, October break, prison break, and break up.  Will you lose some of them as friends? Possibly. It’s definitely a changing of the dynamic, like, when you all started hooking up.

Some of them will get the message and all’s well that’ll end well. Others are going to feel rejected and “take some time” or cut you out. Screw those a**holes. Makes their intentions pretty clear (unless it’s because they DO want something serious with you and you’re rejecting them, in which case, they’re just SOL and don’t give in to pity f*cking).

Honesty is your only way out. Well, honesty and restraint (and no, not the kind of restraints you might have been employing during your…cycles…). Once you set the boundary, you’ve got to hold the line. Otherwise, this becomes the song that never ends, it’ll just go on and on my- you get me.

One of the big boundaries you have to put up for awhile might be a “no talking about other people we’re hooking up with” rule. This may not be about your comfort but theirs. If you want to stay friends then during the initial withdrawal you’ll be picking at their scab of rejection by telling them how hot and heavy you’re getting with someone else. Don’t. It complicates things that you’re trying to simplify.

Also, best not to let them meet the new guy too soon. We don’t need a Mr. Darcy and Daniel Cleaver brawl. On that note, avoid passing Greek restaurants on your dates.

They can’t just be your friends if they still want to be FWB. And it sounds like you don’t think you can enter into a committed relationship with someone new with your sensational seven pulling at you from all angles. Be honest. Tell them the facts of you. You can try to be gentle or you can be brutal. Some guys will respond to one and some might respond better to the other. Maybe you’ll go undefeated in keeping them as your friends, but if you pull a best of seven series then pat yourself on the back.

Time to unstuck yourself from the seven dwarves and find your prince charming.

Beware accepting fruit from strangers,
Dude Lebowski

[He's good, right? Sigh, we know. Too bad he's taken. Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]