Question? Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv. tuffyluvcc [at] gmail [dot] com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I was dating this guy for a 3 years who was really awful to me, and I don’t know why I stayed, but I did. He always called me horrible names like ‘b*tch’ and ‘whore’ for no reason -  we fought all the time, and he accused me of being a horrible person. He wouldn’t let me hang out with my friends, and I was basically supporting him financially.

Last month he started getting a little physical. He pushed me during two different arguments. The final straw was when he put his hand on my throat during a fight. I got really scared and ended things.

For a month he called, texted and emailed nonstop. Until last week. He stopped all of a sudden, and I thought he had finally got the clue.  I hadn’t heard from him in a week when he suddenly showed up at my 21st birthday party. He knew about it, because I had invited him prior to our falling out. Even though I told him not to come when I broke up with him, he showed up and it was really weird. He bought me a present–this is the first time he has bought me anything– and hung around staring at me. I was uncomfortable and ended up going home early.

Now he thinks I’m dating someone new (I’m not), and he told me in the past that he would really hurt me if I ever was with someone else. I’m scared, but I don’t want to make a huge deal about it in case I’m wrong. Also, it’s embarrassing. What should I do?

Freaked Out

Dear Freaked Out,

CALL THE POLICE.

I am so not kidding. You SHOULD be freaked out. I’m freaked out, too. We’re all freaked out. This guy is potentially dangerous. Don’t take any chances, you hear me? There are too many tragic stories where a woman is too ashamed to report a man who ends up taking her life. You need to go to the police station and file a report. Get a restraining order if they’ll give you one. Change your locks. Change your phone. Ask the police for advice.

But please don’t wait. This guy sounds erratic, and he’s already been physical. Tell your friends what’s going on, so they can be on the lookout too. ALWAYS have someone walk you home or to your car or wherever you’re going–you don’t want to take any chances until things have been resolved.

You need to trust your gut here. He’s making you feel unsafe. That’s because this is an unsafe situation. You need to take all the help you can get. File the report and keep the police updated with everything he does that intrudes on your personal space. Do not give this guy an inch.

You only get one life. Take care of it. You were brave to end it with him. Don’t let him intimidate you–keep being the brave, strong woman you always were.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Jon Hamm contributed a video to one of my favorite blogs, RookieMag.com, as part of their “Ask a Grown Man” series. Yes, that’s right. Real readers got to ask Don Draper himself all their burning questions about life, love and…farting. Yup.

Start your Friday morning off right, and watch as this extremely attractive grown man dishes out the advice.

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

This is really embarrassing, so I’m just going to say it – I love porn. My boyfriend likes porn, too, but he doesn’t know that I like it. I want to tell him, because I think it would be really hot to look at it together. But I’m embarassed. I also don’t want him to think I’m a slut or anything. We’ve been together all throughout college, so it’s not like he would think that but still… How can I tell him in a way that is sexy and not slutty?

Porn Lover

Dear Porn Lover,

That is totally not slutty. How is it slutty to want to enjoy something you find sexually satisfying with the very man you find sexually satisfying?! No. Slutty, it is not. Honey, here’s my advice:

During The Sexy Times, whisper a really sexy scenario into your boyfriend’s ear. When he’s all worked up over it, tell him you got it from your favorite porn and suggest watching it together. And then, you know, actually watch it together. I’m pretty sure he’ll be super excited. And I mean flooping SUPER excited. You like something he already likes, it’s related to sex, and you’re his girlfriend!

Girl, this isn’t a problem. This is every guy’s dream!

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

[lead image via Margarita Borodina / Shutterstock]

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Hey Dude,

What is the best way to meet good guy friends? I’m not talking boyfriend prospects, just good friends. I recently transferred to a new university and have always been “one of the guys”…how do I get a good group without being asked out on dates?

Best,

Girl Looking For A Boy Friend

Dear Girl Looking For A Boy Friend

Have you tried not having a vagina?

That’s about the only way to guarantee not being asked out by a straight guy. Otherwise, I can’t offer much in the way of guaran-damn-tees. If a guy’s interested, he’s interested. In fact, most guys are interested-at one point or another-in their female friends. That’s actually how a lot of guys get female friends. It’s a wrong turn down a one-way street to the Friend Zone. You’re just looking for a way to quicken the journey for him.

You’re at a new university and consider yourself one of the guys, get involved in things that a lot of the guys are going to get into. Maybe it’s a sports club, a film club, hang around a frat house during the day, go to a lecture and chat up a guy, and if you want it to remain platonic just make it clear: talk about your exes, past relationships, ask if there are other guys’ relationship status, or you could always try the honest approach and say, “I’m looking for a friend, not a hook up.”

I could give you all kinds of cliché advice: burp in public, cuss, don’t wear make-up, don’t wear clothes that show off your body, and so on. All of those things have a common denominator: you trying to create a persona rather than just being yourself. That’s why I’m not going to give you those suggestions.

Be you. Act like you. Do things that interest you and when doing so involves you crossing paths with a group of guys, go up to them and say, “Mind if I join you?” One or two might be interested but that’s not something you can control.

Friends can be found most readily in places you feel welcome and are willing to welcome others.

“Avengers Assemble!”

Captain Dude

I firmly believe that for every nice guy on Earth, there are 20 jerks to balance out the ratio. That means that there are millions of douchebags roaming the planet, shooting finger guns in their tight Ed Hardy shirts. You know you’ve seen them, and you’ve definitely met them – eagerly sitting in the front of the classroom, pretending not to see you on the Yard or sliding next to you at the bar. Douchebags aren’t bad people – they just need love, affection and helpful suggestions. But first, you have to know what you’re dealing with. Here are the 10 types of douchebags you’ll probably run into:

initiating the gallery...

Know any other douchebags we missed? Tell us about them below! 

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Dear Dude,

What do guys really think of sex on the first date? Is it a deal breaker? I feel like if you have a genuine connection with someone, and the sex is awesome, shouldn’t that make them want you more? Or does it completely take the fun out of the chase? I’ve had one long term relationship start out of sex on the first date. I’ve had other guys never call me again. What’s the deal?

Sincerely,

Screwed then screwed!

Dear Screwed then screwed!

Here’s the deal: I’ve never known of a man who found sex to be a deal breaker on the first date. If anything, it’s considered a minor miracle from the Heavens, and for some d-bags out there it’s an expectation, which kind of clarifies why I’m calling them d-bags.

There’s a lot more to the chase than just having sex. Don’t get me wrong, it can certainly enhance the chase. However! There are so many ways to have sex and in so many places, and some could argue getting a taste and then not getting the meal is even more enticing. I think it’s a guy to guy situation.

Do men respect women less if they can get laid on the first date? Maybe some. Is sex all a guy wants? Possibly. It’s certainly one of the things he’s thinking about over tortellini. There are other thoughts, like if his hair’s doing that cow lick thing or if he mentioned his love for animals enough…and your breasts, which doesn’t count as thinking about sex, it’s just something we think about that LEADS us to thinking about sex. Sorry, that clarification had to be made!

Your track record’s a spotty one with having sex on a first date, and if it’ll lead to more or less. My question is, what are you looking for on the first date? Are you having sex because you think he wants it or because you want it? If you’re doing it for you then, “Have at thee!” As Thor would put it. If you’re doing it because you’re trying to ensure a second date, then I would recommend trying to hold off and make it a 2, or the classic 3, date rule. Just don’t pull a Robin Scherbatzky and change your mind mid-date and think you need to shave your legs. The first time, if we’re focusing on what’s on your legs rather than what we’re doing in between them…there’s no picket fence in the future.

Be careful about looking for logic when asking the question “to f*ck or not to f*ck?” These aren’t logical actions, they’re primal. Awesome sex doesn’t mean you have an emotional connection yet. It means you could. It also might mean you just have sexual chemistry, or you were really horny. Generally assuming that if the sex is awesome, then he’d want to come back for seconds is illogical. It’s just not always reality. Remember, you’re looking at it through your eyes, and you can’t be certain how he’s looking at it through his.

The bottom line is this: If you’re not getting the results you want with the way you’ve been going about trying to get them, then it’s time to change things up. Change your policy or change the type of guy you’re going out with. The issue’s at the source either way.

Keep calm, and don’t blink!

The Dude

There are infinite amount of ways to ask someone out, because there are infinite amount of situations that it can come up in. “You like bread. I like bread. Want to go get bread?” “You wanna hang out tonight?” “Want to study for our organic chemistry final?” “How do you feel about jell-o shots and tequila chasers?” From the vague to the specific to the borderline soliciting, guys have all kinds of ways to ask the same question. And for as many ways that there are to ask, there are as many ways to reject. You could probably write it as an equation: X number of attempts = X number of rejections which can be rewritten as X attempts to procreate = X number of ways to get kicked in the nut sack. But there’s the gentle tapping to the balls and then there’s aiming the wide steel toe to a 45 degree angle that’ll catch the General AND the two Colonels. Depending on how you say, “No,” you’ll open any one of a lot of doors to a response.

You can be gentle or you can be bitchy, vague and nonspecific or cruel, there are extremes either way. So what’s the best way? Depends on how well you know him. If he’s a friend or just a guy in a bar who seems decent enough, you don’t have to go from 1 to 10, where 10 is the equivalent of making him a eunuch and 1 is giving a mixed signal. Just remember: he’s putting himself out there.

Talk all about an equal rights amendment, but for all the strides we’ve made in gender equality, men are STILL expected to ask first. It’s just the way it is. Which means we’re still expected to offer ourselves up for either reward or punishment. No matter how casual a guy comes off, the situation is a built in power imbalance: You’ve got it, and you can wield it. With great power comes great responsibility.

Believe it or not, for most guys, you can just say, “No, thanks.” Or take it to a slightly higher decibel with “Not interested, sorry.” Polite and courteous of the fact he’s an actual person with actual feelings. Shaking your head and walking away could work if you’re in a group, but it borders on ignoring the whole thing happened, which might be construed as minimizing the fact he’s making an effort. Which is pretty rude. But still, reasonable.

Don’t pretend you didn’t hear him. Sure, he could chicken out asking a second time, but if he DOES, the rejection has 4x the impact.

Don’t just walk away like he doesn’t exist. Would you like it if a guy did that to you?

And really, that’s what it all comes down to: The Golden Rule. Almost ALL freaking social interactions come down to it. Put yourself in his shoes and go from there.

Ways to NOT turn someone down:
Throwing a drink in his face…unless he deserves it
Laughing at him…unless he deserves it
LITERALLY kicking him in the balls…unless he deserves it

There are times that warrant a brutal rejection. They usual involve a guy who’s acting like a douche and won’t take the first hint. He cops a feel. He literally thinks “no” just means “maybe.” He feels entitled to a “yes.” And those are guys that you also have to be a little weary around, because they don’t generally respond to, like, subtlety. Such a concept doesn’t compute in their pea brains.

Ways to turn someone down:
Do acknowledge he asked
Do be honest without embellishment
Do be direct
Do be courteous (it only takes a second to be polite)
Do consider when you’ve been in his situation

And that’s as easy as it gets. A fake number isn’t necessary. Belittling his manhood could be going too far. A verbal castration could be construed as a bit extreme. Physical injury isn’t generally necessary. But then again, there are times and places…

It’s elementary,

The Dude

[Lead image via Rehan Qureshi / Shutterstock]

Hi Dude,

I’ve been dating this guy for a few months, and we really get along phenomenally. We have a lot in common, including our sense of humor, we love to go on adventures and the sex is fantastic. Marriage came up in conversation the other day, because one of his friends is unhappily married. During the conversation he revealed that he didn’t believe in marriage and would never marry. He said he had too many friends who are unhappily married and constantly complain that the sex is boring, and they wish they could sleep with other people. I’m not saying I want to marry this guy or anyone any time soon, but I do want to get married eventually. Is it worth sticking in this relationship if those are his beliefs? Should I be with someone who thinks they should only be with someone as long as the sex is sizzling? Does he really mean that, or has he just never been in love with someone enough to realize that there are many other reasons to stay in a relationship beyond the honeymoon phase?

Thanks,

Not Yet A Bride

Dear Not Yet A Bride,

Ouch! I mean, OUCH! You’re in a swamp filled with sh*t on this one. Sorry to be explicit but damn, girl, this is not the easiest terrain to wade through, and you’re right in the thick of it…Please disregard all nature-based metaphors used in the prior sentences, I’m in the middle of reading Swamp Thing #8. Multitasking!-it’s what makes us adults, seriously.

I’ve had this conversation myself at one point with a certain lady-friend of mine, so I’m talking from experience rather than just out of my ass on this one. Lots of couples last long-term despite differences over a lot of things: Who’s the best Bond, best Doctor, whose family is crazier, why she never takes out the f*cking garbage, is the cat cuter than both of you combined (yes, she is), but there’s one difference that usually sinks a relationship at the end of the day: Marriage.

Some people are ready now, some aren’t, some say they could be, and some claim they never will be, and are any of these statements 100% concrete? No. He could want to in 5 years or maybe it’ll take 10 years. There are plenty of marriage horror stories that we all hear about. Ever notice how you generally only hear about the bad parts of a marriage? Or stories at least about bad marriages and not so often about good ones? Way of gossip, I guess. Those horror stories are enough to give the most grounded person pause these days, so it’s not surprising that right now he can’t envision himself married. Those are issues he’ll have to work on, and either you can put some faith into him being able to do the work, or you can walk away when you decide you’re ready for the next step, and he’s not.

There’s no definite way to know if you’re completely wasting your time by staying with this guy for much longer. A lot of us change our minds with maturity and experience of a healthy long-term relationship. It does take time, and it takes a bit of work on our parts, but it does happen. The reverse happens to. The question, really, is how long are you prepared to wait?

It could take a year, five years, or even ten years before he gets comfortable with the idea of getting married and that’s thinking he actually will. You have to make the decision for yourself when enough’s enough. If, should you become ready, he can’t or won’t get ready, that’s the point when you consider using those walking boots. Until then, keep the lines of communication open, and see how it plays out. Sounds like you two have a real nice thing going. Don’t leap five moves ahead before you see what the next move is first.

To touch on your other point: you should only stay with someone who believes a relationship is working while the sex is sizzling if all you want is sizzling sex. Otherwise, that’s A. not realistic thinking and B. not mature thinking. Take that belief for what it’s worth: not much.

Runaway groom,

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’m graduating with a degree in nursing. Where should I move?

Ready to start life

Dear Ready to start life,

Wow. Well, that depends. I found this nifty little site: fabulousnurse.com. According to fabulousnurse.com, the best city for a nurse is Austin, TX, followed by San Antonio, TX and Salt Lake City, UT. Seems to based on a number of factors, including basic number of job openings and salary. I also found nursinglink.monster.com, which claims based on cash per hour, California and Hawaii are the top two. Um, I think I’m going with that one.

You’re obviously looking for an adventure, since you’re willing to relocate any flooping place based on your question. So open up your options by eliminating some, yes? First you need to think about what you’re going to do with that nursing degree. Do you want to work in a hospital? Or do you want to be a psychiatric nurse? Or a nurse educator? Or a school nurse? You can search that way and find really interesting jobs in other cities that you would never have found if you just searched “nurse.”

You could also be a travel nurse or disaster nurse and help by traveling to the people who need you most. Aunt Tuffy will worry about you, because it’s dangerous and scary, but I’m sure it’s also incredibly exciting and rewarding. On the other hand, you also have to think about other things. Like?

(1) Your family. Do you want to be close to them? Far from them? Make sure you know and consider it!!

(2) Starting your own family. Do you want to do that eventually? Think about the general time-line you’d like to set and pick your location based on how steady or not steady you might want to be.

(3) Do you like cities? Rural areas? Suburbs?

Girl, you need to visit some places. Take a roadtrip and figure out what the floop you like in a place. And then find a job and move there.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

[Lead image via Supri Suharjoto / Shutterstock]

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

College. The 4, for some of us 5, greatest of our glory years. You’re not a girl, yet not quite a debt-ridden woman (yes, I just made a Britney Spears reference, didn’t you know…she’s back! So it’s okay.) You’ll take a lot of memories with you from the journey from duckling Freshman to swan Senior, but there will also be some regrets. Some of those regrets are going to haunt you for the rest of your life, or until you get a good paying job, which in this economy might mean the rest of your life. And of those regrets, potentially chief among them are not having sex in places you wish you would have. Once you graduate, these passion possibilities are past their expiration date. They’re gone…gone…gone. So here’s your Uncle Dude trying to make sure you have the most fulfilling experience you can. Here are 11 places you should have sex before you graduate:

initiating the gallery...

And there you have it folks, not 10, not 11, but 12 places to have sex before you graduate. Put this list on your dorm room door and start checking them off. Trust me, there are parts of the college experience that aren’t essential, I can make an argument that any of these absolutely are. The real questions: which of these have you already done, and did I miss any goodies?

With honors,

The Dude

[Lead image via Diego Cervo / Shutterstock]