My sex life has taken a nose dive into success before even opening the magazine! Because this month, I’m going to go naked and feel pleasure (awaiting the article fully clothed and by myself), learn about what my va-jay-jay is telling me (aside from calling it something sexier than a va-jay-jay), and about my bad-boy index. Can’t wait to see what a naughty fox I am. And take a shower.

In this month’s blatantly obvious sexy vs. skanky, Cosmo informed us that camel-colored heels are indeed more classy than camel toes. This as you can imagine, completely blew me away. Camel toes are artistic and different. Camel-colored heels are all the same (bor-ing).

In the 101 Things about Men tasty bit, Cosmo told us to “supercharge his desire” by talking dirty to him. Not just any dirty talk ladies. We are suppose to give him specific assignments like; “Put this here and that there.” No wonder so many chicks get tramp stamps these days. Less words, more satisfaction. Then, a sweet little half article caught my eye; 4 White Lies You Should Tell Your Guy. One of them, I can’t quite muster. In bed, if girls have done something naughty foxy, they are suppose to claim, “Nope, I’ve never done that in bed before either.”

Screw that. I’m getting a stop sign as my tramp stamp.

After a quick shower, (and shamelessly rubbing Justin Bieber’s Someday perfume sample all over my neck and upper arms), I came across an article where guys answered all of our sex questions. And Cosmo was nice enough to round up the biggest douche bags on planet earth. The very first question was “Do you ever prefer a hand job over having sex?” Aside from that being the stupidest question EVER, the answer was a triumphant, “Yes, but only when full-on sex isn’t an option, such as on an airplane or at the DMV.”

I didn’t read any more of the article.

Finally, I fell upon (pun intended) ‘The Sexiest Things to Do After Sex.’  Even though I’m pretty sure the sexiest thing to do is eat peppermint bon bon ice cream and read Ne-Yo lyrics out loud to each other, curiosity got the best of me.

Cosmo Says: Play with props. Have him lick chocolate syrup off your boobs. He’ll enjoy playing lab partner and watching their effects on you.

Brittany Says: Correct me if I’m wrong, but are we bringing scientific experiments into the bedroom and studying what happens when the man pours Hershey’s syrup all over our lady breasts (using the word “breasts” because that’s more scientific sounding)? Correct me if I’m wrong (again) but you’re naked, hence no lab coat is involved. And sorry but the closest thing to a science experiment is hypothesizing what caused the explosion downtown five minutes earlier.

Cosmo Says: Put on a show. Deepen your breath, engage in some sexy fondling, then give him a sly smile and tell him to take over.

Brittany Says: Ugh. I thought this was after sex. Sex after sex? Fine. But let’s get a little more creative here Cosmo. I can write an article too: “The Yummiest Things to Eat After Eating.”

Cosmo Says: Get his mind engaged by giving him hot visual inspiration, such as letting you walk around the bedroom naked.

Brittany Says: Not sexy. Here, let me wander around the room stark naked. While I’m up for a little strip tease or a nonchalant prance into the bathroom, roaming nekkid around a bedroom just…seems like a bad dream.

Cosmo Says: Have him talk about his body, like how he got a scar or by commenting that he looks buffer.

Brittany Says: Nope, let’s talk about me. And how sexy I look as I wander around the room naked, with chocolate syrup stained on my boobs, while I’m touching myself. BOOM.

We talk a lot about sex here at Sexy Time – that is the point of a sex column, after all.  From basic sex education to getting a little kinky, we try to cover it all. In thinking of this week’s topic, I really wanted to write about something that maybe doesn’t get talked about as much as it should:

What do you do once the sex is over?

It’s why we do all that hard work in the first place, isn’t it; to get our rocks off and bask in the chemical rush that comes post-coitus? But when the erections disappear and our Neanderthal brains stop screaming “must have sex now,” we realize that we’re just… naked.

When the sex is over, what do you do? Laugh? Put your pants back, stuff your bra in your purse on and skidaddle? Those are two options, but here are a few that are slightly more charming.

Clean up: Albeit not the most romantic thing, the post-sex cleanup is definitely a must. Either do the half-naked walk to the washroom, or, for even more convenience, keep a box of Kleenex or a roll of toilet paper beside the bed. After that little task is complete, everything is fair game.

Eat: Hey, you worked hard! Making some kind of treat together (cookies, anyone?) leads to a full tummy and a somewhat cute way to spend some time together. If you’d really just like to stay in bed (perhaps naked), ice cream is a personal favorite. Yum!

Go out: There’s nothing better than that post-sex glow, so why not take advantage of it? Get dressed up and go for dinner, or go out for a walk. Don’t forget your “guess what we just did” smile.

Watch a movie: OK, so maybe there is one thing better than the after-sex glow: curling up on the couch with a good movie. Not only is it a great time to get your cuddle on,  but also – who doesn’t love a good movie?

Pillow talk: I heard somewhere that a man is most like himself right after sex. While I don’t know if that’s true, I do know that some of my favorite relationship-deepening conversations I’ve had have happened while in bed.

Smoke: As much as I can’t morally encourage you to smoke, many people choose to light up post-coitus. According to my roommate, it “calms your heart rate.” But, I’ll let you figure that out for yourself.

Go to sleep: I know, I know, it’s cliché. But those sexy chemicals can make anyone tired. Have a nice little spoon sesh and call it a night.

What are your favorite things to do after gettin’ it on?

Then, the heat of the moment passes and you wake up resembling the Bride of Frankenstein only to realize that you just boned your best friend/ex-lover/a boy from your Psych class. And things get even messier. No pun intended.

You instantly turn into psycho b*tch and a million questions run through your head in a matter of milliseconds. Everything from, I wonder if he’s REALLY regretting that last shot of Jack? to planning an elaborate escape route to his front door without spilling any beer cans or waking up any of his roommates.

But perhaps the most important question that plagues your hungover mind is something like, What the f**k is going to happen now? Especially when the person you just screwed is a friend. Or a friend of a friend. Or in three of your classes. Seriously, is it even possible to maintain a platonic relationship with someone you just saw – and who saw you – in the buff, without makeup or a push-up bra?

In my opinion, what unfolds after the sheets are, um, unfolded depends a lot on who you’re gettin’ it on with. The state of affairs BEFORE the actual event greatly determines the way shite will go down afterwards.

If you were platonic friends first:

You can probably salvage your friendship by laughing it off. At least you made the drunken mistake with someone you already know, love and respect. But, if you were friends before and Mr. Friend had a crush on you (or vice versa), sex is most definitely going to change the relationship. If he “got” you once, he’ll think he can get you again. And if you were crushin’ on him, you might suddenly start stalking his Facebook a little more often (every 10 minutes) and get jealous of his other “platonic” girl friends. This is when you need to talk about it – not just ignore it and hope that one of you starts to feel differently.

If you were kinda friends:

Things can be a little confusing. If you want to continue to be friends you probably need to talk about the boundaries of your relationship now that you’ve crossed the forbidden line. Are you gonna continue to get nakey everytime you hang out? Or was it a one-time sexual escapade that is best forgotten (if you can remember it to begin with)? Talking about the sitch A.S.A.P. will make things easier in the future. Like when you catch his eye across the dining hall and aren’t sure whether to smile and say hey or run to the nearest bathroom to hide your red cheeks and other signs of undeniable post hook-up shame.

If you weren’t friends first:

HEY! You could have just made a friend. At least you can always look back and laugh at the way you met. Yeah, you might have done things a little backasswards, but a friend is a friend – no matter how you make it. If you like the guy enough that you want to see him clothed, that is. However, don’t think you’ll ever REALLY forget that you guys did it. You won’t. And neither will his new GF when the three of you are sitting around pounding beers.

If he’s an ex:

You’ve got your hands full now. Ex-sex is a hotly debated topic, and the general consensus is that it’s a definite no-go. But, since you’ve already done it, you have to deal with it. As awkward and awful as it’s gonna seem, you have to talk about it. Trust me, it’s better than awkwardly half-hugging goodbye, crying yourself to sleep and then having to avoid all the places that there is a minute chance you will see him.

Of course, I always recommend having sex with people you know and trust. However, I’m realistic and I know this isn’t always the case. Basically, though, I think that friends can stay friends after gettin’ a little too friendly, as long as both of you like, or, at the very least, respect each other.

As for me, I’ve learned that I need to keep my vay-jay-jay off limits to anyone I consider a “friend” for a pretty long time.

What about you girls? What are your experiences with staying – or becoming – friends after sex?