Between that guy who was so nervous he almost passed out and you couldn’t understand a word he was singing to the bikini girl who is now all over the internet and probably loving her 15 minutes, the two-hour season premier went by way too fast. Thank God it’s on again tonight!

We usually can’t devote two straight hours to anything (class, working out….) but American Idol continues to draw us in with it’s perfect mix of talent and um, the other people. Here are a few of our faves from last night’s episode:

The Hobbit-y Dude:

Annoying Bikini Girl:

Ryan’s Awkward Blind Moment:

My finals are done – Organic Chem is still boring – but all just in time for Reality Show Finale time!!!

Ironically, American Idol and its cast of sellouts have been the king of their timeslot for a long time. They have been unbeatable! Alas, last night my future husband, Apolo Ono smacked down Simon Cowell, drunk Paula and the “Dog Pound” guy. Apolo beat out N-SYNC Joey, with the help of that horrifically cute and flexible blonde (damn her).

American Idol, on the other hand, was quasi-painful. I know it has made them a lot of money, but it is way TOO formulaic.

Singer sings with various arm movements and “riffing,” maybe a stroll through the audience. Singer finishes. Ryan pretends he is straight. Randy “shouts out” to his “dog pound” while “keeping it real.” Paula has a swig of whatever is in her Coke cup while kissing the singer’s ass. Simon, clad in white or black t-shirt, is honest and blunt amid a shower of boos. Back to Ryan, playing it straight.

There is only so much of that a person can be humanly asked to endure. American Idol, you are killing me. For next year, please try and mix it up. Dancing with the Stars – watch yourself! You are treading VERY close – albeit you have different people playing different roles, but the formula is looking a little predictable.

Note for the audience – easy with the boos. They are like curses – if you curse all the time, it loses its bite. A random “F^$& YOU!” goes a lot further than “F^$& THIS, F^$& THAT!” My peeps, please, keep it down. These singers and dancers are SUPPOSED TO SUCK! That is what keeps us coming back. You can’t boo people for telling the truth (though I wish you could).

Y’all gotta keep it real and holla only when its warranted!

In latest Paula news, she has tripped “trying to avoid stepping on her Chihuahua” and broken her nose. It’s a fairly plausible story. Except that we all know Paula has a lot more than Coke in those big glasses on the judges table. I used to fall over a lot, I’m not gonna lie. And I used to blame my shoes, or all those damn cobblestones in Paris (seriously, they’re perilous), but in truth it was the mass quantity of whiskey I had consumed. I don’t drink whiskey anymore cause it makes me a little crazy. And I have managed to stay on my feet better. So… I think Paula took a drunken nose dive, and is thanking God she has a dog to blame.

If you need even more confirmation that Ms. Abdul likes to wet her palette, check out this clip. She’s making noises in this thing that I didn’t think anyone except a cartoon could make. What is she even talking about? You have to wait a second for it to really get good.

And if you’re really going to miss her drunken antics on a weekly basis—have no fear. Cause she’s got a reality show coming out. Paula gets drunk, gets a reality show. I have a friend who went into rehab, met a high power celebrity, and is now a multi-million dollar real estate agent. So I guess the moral of these two stories is—abuse substances and get a career? Sounds like… a really bad alternative to unemployment.

While I will probably never watch the Paula reality show train wreck except at 3 in the morning when I can’t sleep, I imagine it will be quasi-amusing. And after this crappy season of AI, it might be the last time I watch her on TV.

So cheers, Paula. Way to revive a career over cocktails!