It’s comforting to know we live in an age where no investment bank, car company or celebrity hot mess will ever be left behind.

In the era of government bailouts and cross-aisle calls for economic revival ABC’s ‘Dancing with the Stars’ has become the public relations equivalent of a Fed bailout.

“Just when you think you’ve hit rock bottom – there’s a rescue plan. If you’re AIG, it’s the federal government. If you’re Pamela Anderson or Shannon Doherty, it’s ‘Dancing With The Stars,” says Catey Hill, New York Daily News Money Editor and author of ‘Shoo Jimmy Choo: The Modern Girl’s Guide to Spending Less and Saving More.’

After his stint on the third season of ‘DWTS, Mario Lopez was able to secure his regular gig as the host of entertainment news show ‘Extra’, a sexy guest starring role in ‘Nip/Tuck’ and a spot on Broadway in ‘A Chorus Line.’ In 2007, former Spice Girl Mel B.’s biggest project was tattooing baby daddy Eddie Murphy’s name on her arm, actress Jennie Garth (pre-90210 Renaissance) was reliving her days back at West Beverly (in her mind) and Marie Osmond was designing dolls for QVC, but now the women are household names, pursued for projects, endorsements and book deals.

Just as AIG bungled it’s books with insurance against mortgage backed securities and risky debt, and the investment banks faced a black-hole of balance sheet indiscretions, many of the stars saved by ‘DWTS’ carry with them years of mismanagement, bad decisions, weight gain and dreams of superstardom flushed down the toilet sometime in the past decade.

Read the rest at PopEater.com!

[I like to think of myself as a pretty easy going gal and try not to sweat the small stuff. But sometimes (ok, maybe slightly more often) the general cluelessness, carelessness and overall stupidity of some things and or/people really gets to me. I find that venting is the most efficient way to rid myself of the stress that idiots, wrong meal orders, lack of cell phone etiquette and cheese flavored products (that don’t even contain any freaking cheese!) induce.

So, in an attempt to avoid an ulcer or an unfortunate road rage incident, I vent to you, dear reader. Please feel free to join in and comment about anything–really, anything–that pissed. you. off. this week. Let it all hang out. I feel you.]

When people preface an offensive comment with “no offense”: As in “No offense, but that dress makes you look fat,” or “No offense, but I think you are an incompetent tool.” See? It’s not a get-out-of-jail-free card. Some discretion should still be used when offering constructive criticism or an alternative p.o.v. If you’re going to insult someone, do it the right way: screaming it at the top of your lungs while dousing them with the nearest, most stain inducing liquid you can find. Don’t hide behind backhanded disclaimers.

Evil Mastermind Partnerships: Namely, the one that secretly exists between my apartment complex and every towing company in the general Tallahassee area. I’m not sure who has been blessed with visiting the glorious capital of Florida, but to sum it up: F**king humid, hilly, drunk, and insufficient parking are decent descriptive terms. There is nowhere to park. Anywhere. You can factor parking tickets into your weekly budget if you intend on driving to class. And the madness doesn’t end when I arrive at home. If my rear left tire is one centimeter over the boundary of my parking space, I can bet I‘ll be towed. And in an effort to reduce the amount of noise/fun I have, visitor parking is limited to 5 spots…for the entire complex. I’m convinced the tow truck drivers are paying them under the table to restrict available parking and splitting the towing fee profits.

And speaking of Conspiracy Theories: I’m pretty sure my favorite bar had an alliance with the ATF squad on St. Patty’s Day. Normally extremely lenient with laughably bad fake I.D.’s, my beloved campus bar denied any identification cards, military I.D’s and expired licenses. Naturally, I borrowed a friend’s fake, as I am of the under 21 persuasion and very resourceful when it comes to drinking. Not only did I have to prove my (false) identity when I left for class and returned (costing me a crisp 20), but I have to pay a $175 citation fine for getting a written Minor in Possession of alcohol arrest (those under-cover cops are good). Five months before my actual 21^st birthday. Which is an arbitrary age to put on the ability to get wasted legally and a devious plot to earn money in fines from those of us born after 1987. Fabulous.

People who don’t accept full responsibility for their actions: Especially when those people happen to be the Secretary of Treasury, Timothy F. Geithner. Geithner, a key player in the decision to bail out AIG last fall with $170 billion, claims that he simply didn’t know about the $165 million in bonuses that AIG was planning on giving. You know, no biggie. He went on to say “I was stunned when I learned how bad this was on Tuesday [March 10]. I shouldn’t have been in that position, but it’s my responsibility and I accept that.” No offense, Timbo, but saying that you don’t think it’s fair that you accept responsibility kinda cancels out the fact that you did…and it makes you sound like a prick.

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Take a break from going out and have a girls’ night in.

Mondays are always bad, especially after a weekend of heavy drinking (as if there are any others), but today is even worse. It’s bad. Very bad. Very, very bad.

Citigroup just announced that it will be buying Wachovia bank to save it from collapsing. Just like AIG. And WaMu. And every other FREAKING BANK IN THIS COUNTRY.

Seriously, are there any banks even left anymore?

I know that everyone is telling us not to freak out, that this is just a dip and that we will come back from it, but I am about ready to pull my money from the bank and invest it somewhere safe.

Like in denim. Or shoes. Or lots of new winter coats. Those greedy bastards on Wall Street won’t be able to take it from me there!

Unless you live in a cave, you know that things haven’t been going well for the United States during the past couple of weeks. Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, Lehman Brothers and AIG crumbled under the weight of our own idiocy and greed (and are also being investigated by the FBI, yay!), Democrats and Republicans are harshly divided, no one can agree on Bush’s $700 billion bailout, and Washington Mutual was just sold off to JP Morgan.

Oh, also, an asteroid is probably going to come after us some point in the near future.

We here at CC agree that school work is of the utmost importance, so by no means should you blow off that 15-pager on the life cycle of the zebra fish in lieu of our national downward spiral, but perhaps you might want to pour yourself an extra glass of wine this weekend (or if you don’t drink, purchase a nice package of Oreo cookies) and force yourself to relax.

The media is doing its best to scare us, and yes, times are kinda sh*tty, but the best thing we can do as young people is educate ourselves on the issues currently effecting us, process them to the best of our ability, and then tell ourselves to remain calm.

You know what also helps? (find out after the jump)

HALF NAKED JOHNNY DEPP!!

(In the second installment of our Expert Series Understanding The Economic Situation, we continue with the Q and A with a VP of an Investment Banking Firm. He knows his stuff and he’s gonna break it down for us in ways we can finally understand. Pay attention; he offers great advice for us college ladies for saving, spending, and not getting depressed. In case you missed the first part, read it HERE]

Do these recent economic waves mean college students and recent grads should stay away from investing in the stock market right now?

No – they should DEF participate and now is the time to do it. Recent and current grads should look to NON-financial stocks. Everything is down right now and there are so many bargains. Look to other tech and retail stocks. Buy stock and just let it sit. Don’t start trading regularly like I did when I was in college. I didn’t really make anything off of it, and if I had held onto the Google stock that I bought at $15, I would NOT be answering this email right now – I would be on a beach drinking fruity drinks with umbrellas.

How does one actually start to make smart investments?

Smart investments are ones that are based off of information, not emotion. An emotional investment is, “OMG, everyone is selling off finance stocks – I should sell mine too!” An informed one is made by reading 10K reports, poking around the internet for info, maybe even emailing or calling an investor relations representative of a company (they HAVE to talk to you and actually like doing so). Then you say, “Oh, Lehman is f*cked but JP Morgan is still in a strong position.”

How can today’s college students and recent grads start saving money?

I know it sounds stupid, but if a college student started saving SOMETHING on a monthly basis – the results would be amazing. Compound that over a yearly basis, and by the time you are ready to get a house (in 10 years or so) you will be in a much better financial position. SAVE. Keep 2 credit cards, 1 you do not touch. Keep it in the bottom of your underwear drawer. The second one should be paid off at the end of every month. You can even work with the CC company and set a self-imposed limit. They want your business, so they will do whatever you want. The card in your underwear drawer is an emergency card – and should stay hidden until the most dire need, NOT a trip to Vegas.

Do you think it’s right that big CEO’s got those “golden parachutes” when these companies went down?

Ah, the Golden Parachute. I want one of those. Yes, they are worth it. You have these CEOs with big names, and lots of pressure. When these guys/gals first join a big company, it is because they have developed a good reputation as being smart business people. Companies want them to bring that reputation to their company, because the stock price would go up even at the announcement of new executive. It is the same theory behind paying athletes the high salaries. It is not just the on the field value, but off the field as well.

CEOs become the face, name and brand of the company – and if the company goes down (whether it is the CEOs fault or not) people will always associate that company with that person. Their possible job future is gone. It is also important to keep them from having to worry about their job security. Think of it this way, if you are worried about something, does it affect the way you make decisions? Sure it does. If Jane CEO is worried about keeping her job, she will make conservative decisions with very little risk. Very little risk=very little return. That is not how businesses grow, especially big global ones.

When the board of directors say, “Hey Jane, you are smart and saavy. If anything happens and you get fired, $10M is yours. Go out, get on the cover of Forbes, talk to the WSJ, make HUGE deals for us so that the stock price will go up.” If she does well, she is a genius. If she guesses wrong on even 1 small aspect, everything could crumble. Golden Parachutes are part of the reason why we have experienced some of the growth we have.

Honestly, should we be freaking out?

Your PARENTS should be freaking out, not you. This is cyclical. When you are your parents age, you won’t be seeing stuff like this – it will be different, but not like this. If you have $1M in financial stocks – then I would say go out, buy a hat, and hold the f*ck on to it. But you don’t – so stay cool. Be a little Fonzie.

The country is getting ready for a terrible recession. Banks are folding and getting bailed out by loans from the FED (which has federal in the name but is private). Scientists are trying to rip open space and time using the Large Hadron Collider. Someone like Sarah Palin is officially close to being involved in a presidency.

The signs are there: the world is going to end. And while I’m sure no one can get a godd*mn job right now (lord knows I can’t), we can at least look forward to the post apocalyptic job market that’ll present itself once the gaping maw of darkness spreads wide, and evil once again walks our planet.

Here are some jobs you may want to start building a resume for.

Motorcycle Pirate

Everyone knows two things run rampant in all post-apocalyptic scenarios: piracy and motorcycles. It’s only natural that these two things will be combined. The typical setting for piracy, the high seas, will naturally be off limits thanks to its new, boiling temperature and thousands of large squid (oh, they’re coming). Any experience using cycle-type vehicles, including ATVs, motorcycles with sidecars, and those weird three-wheel choppers is a plus.

These roving gangs of men and women will pray on the villages that remain after the world’s collapse, taking what they need to survive and possibly more — depending on their allegiances. With a myriad of guilds to choose from, it’s a worker’s market. Will you join the Diesel Apes? Or perhaps the more ecologically minded Ethanol Crusade?

People not comfortable with goggles need not apply.

Arena Warrior

When the end of time finally comes to fruition, most ‘applicable skills’ will be based around the lowest of human instincts. Can you channel your customer service experience into a desire to kill other humans? Or maybe mutated animals? Then arena warrior is for you. A life of bloody celebrity, fighting in the arena is only for those interested in true glory. Reality television stars who survive the atom bombs will fit the position well.

Fight for recognition and respect from your new demon overlords. Please send a color head shot, measurements, and whatever weapon you identify with most (trident and net).

Servant to one of the 8 Great Beings of Darkness

Feeling less then human since the apocalypse? Losing your ability to love and care? Were you upper to middle management / human resources before ‘the great fall’? Then demon servitude is for you!

Your ability to bullsh*t, lie, and step on other people to keep your own job even in the face of incompetence will keep you alive. Necessary skills include groveling, serving a bizarre myriad of human and animal flesh, and interviewing incoming employees. Paid vacations and dental. You may be branded with the seal of the eight.

Crystal Farmer

Currency means nothing. Additionally, when the apocalypse comes, it will mean even less. The value of something is directly related to its shiny-ness in the eyes of apocalyptic demon lords, and so we too must adopt this system. Someone with money on the mind? You’ll fit in perfect toiling in the mines as a crystal farmer.

First you get the shinies, then you get the power, then you get the women (or men), then you use the various geodes and stalactites you’ve pulled from the earth to buy life’s finer things: water, food, and various types of ‘power armor’ that protects you from the new species of sentient mosquito/bear hybrid that inhabit the mines (Bearsquito). Accounts with strong backs wanted. Bring your own canary.

Village Leader

Did you have an important but thankless and overall financially unfulfilling job before the devil’s ascension? Valuable sh*t that nobody cared about because the roads didn’t involve camera time and a big pay check? Teacher? Doctor? Social Worker? Congratulations! You have the fortitude to take the shivering masses that remain since ‘the unCreation’ and form working and livable villages. You are officially important to people, and all it took was the MOTHERF*CKING APOCALYPSE.

Try not to let your righteous indignation get in the way of teaching people how to actually garden, ride bicycles, and do basic math.

…At least we won’t have to dress up for interviews.

“The venerable Lehman Brothers investment bank said early Monday that it will file for bankruptcy, while Bank of America unveiled plans to buy Merrill Lynch — two pieces of news that profoundly alter the American financial landscape.”

In case you’re just waking up, Wall Street is going through some major changes.  Nevermind that Ike is causing oil prices to jump up yet again, two huge investment banks, both of which came through the 1930′s Depression, are in the process of folding.  While Merrill Lynch may be finding new life under Bank of America, Lehman Brothers, which is 158 years old, is closing it’s doors for good.

What does this mean for you?  Well, that remains to be seen.  All eyes will be watching Wall Street today, hoping and praying that other stocks will stay strong in the wake of such monumental financial crumblings.  It’s not news that our economy is currently shaky at best, and it may be too early to tell how exactly these two recent foldings will effect people’s wallets.

Let’s just think positively.  And maybe…skip that latte this morning.