What a bitch. Seriously, the next time you see her you are going to open a major can of whoop ass and tell her everything that is on your mind: she’s a crappy friend, you can’t trust her, and those jeans you told her you liked? Yeah, they make her look FAT!

You sit in your room waiting for her to come home, stewing. Each passing minute brings out more and more anger, and you think of more things you can’t wait to say to her. You have never been this angry. You are afraid she is going to cry. You have been waiting to say these things for a long time and there is no telling how it is all going to go down.

You hear her come home. She drops her things and comes and finds you in your room.

“Hey!” She says, in that annoyingly chipper tone.

“Hey,” you reply.

“What’s up?”

“Nothin’, just studying. How was your day?” So, you chicken out. She just looks so normal and happy and you don’t know how to verbally bitch slap someone to her face. You know she doesn’t mean to be a bad friend, and you feel bad unleashing all that anger on her. And having to watch her reaction.

She starts talking about your other friends and the things they are saying about you, and you begin getting angry again. How could you not confront her?! But you can’t. Not to her face. She eventually makes her way back to her own room and signs online.

You see her name pop up on your Facebook chat list and that is when you let it all out.

“You know how I said I was fine? Well I’m not fine! You are a crappy friend….”

Sure, she was just in your room. Yeah, she can hear you tapping your foot through the wall. Ok, so you couldn’t say this stuff to her face; it is just so much easier online! Why have to tell her something to her face when you can hide behind your MacBook and not have to see her reactions? There is nothing wrong with doing it this way, is there? You will get it all out and then have the make up hug in person; it’s basically the same thing.

Actually, it’s better. You are getting it all off your chest and this way you have time to think about what you want to say and feel so much more comfortable saying it online. You’re protected and safe making you much less likely to pussy out of saying what’s really on your mind, and you can do it all with sad/angry music playing in the background to set the mood. (Try doing that while talking to someone face to face.) Plus, there are emoticons, which are basically like talking to someone in person. Right? Right. Anyways, you do everything else online (like shopping, researching and telling boys you like them), so why not this?

Eventually, fingers cramped and armpits sweaty, you say what you need to say. She says what she needs to say. You both throw a few “XOXO smiley face” IMs in there and it’s over. You both get up from your computers, meet in the kitchen for a snack and carry on as if nothing ever happened.

—

Don’t worry; you’re not alone. In fact, I’ve got the Kings of Leon blaring as I’m having an online fight with my BFF right this second. In 2011, I feel it’s the only way to go.

Really angry.

And here are just 5 of the things that make my want to throw something. Like my Macbook. But I stop myself, because it’s not her fault. And she’s just so pretty and shiny and wonderful… Well, when that rainbow beachball pinwheel thing doesn’t pop up every 3 minutes.

1. Those who don’t properly utilize the BCC
Come on, people. BCC was invented for a reason and that reason was to eliminate the firestorm of emails that comes from those morons who can’t tell the difference between “reply” and “reply to all.” Don’t risk getting 150 emails (50% of which are people complaining about those who reply to all) in response to your “Sunday Funday” email invitation and just use the BCC. PLEASE.

2. Those who don’t know the difference between “Reply” and “Reply to all”
See above. You’re making lots of enemies, reply-to-all-ers. Watch your back.

3. Those who update their status 24/7
Oh, you’re eating eggs for breakfast? You’re in the shower?
Two words: nobody cares.
And really, how do you have time to do all that when you’re spending all your time telling me what you’re doing!?

4. Those who don’t IM back
You can pretend you weren’t near your phone when I texted you, but that doesn’t work in the IM world. I know you’re there. If you weren’t, your name would be gray. Or there would be a little moon next to it. Or an orange dot. But there isn’t. There’s a green dot and green means go, and go means IM me back when I IM you!

5. Those who have full conversations on Facebook walls
Maybe I’m alone in this one, but I believe strongly that Facebook walls are not for full blown conversations. That’s what Facebook messages are for. Or emails. Or, I don’t know, phones. If you want to catch up on your 7th grade choir friend’s life since middle school, perhaps you can choose a less public domain? Or one that doesn’t overwhelm my personal newsfeed every time I log on? I love you lots, but I don’t really need to know about Choir Katie’s boyfriend or where she’s spending her summer. Kthanxbai.

Grrrr.

What Internet happenings have been getting your panties in a bunch lately?

OMG. How many times have you seen this in your life? There should be a law against moms using IMs. Or any technology for that matter.

]]> http://collegecandy.com/2009/08/09/and-this-is-why-moms-should-not-use-the-internet/feed/ 18 ccandystaff wtf mom emoticons http://collegecandy.com/2009/06/08/technology-makes-me-hate-people/ http://collegecandy.com/2009/06/08/technology-makes-me-hate-people/#comments Mon, 08 Jun 2009 20:00:29 +0000 Lauren - University of Michigan http://collegecandy.com/?p=31412 ]]> I’m addicted to technology. If I’m not at my computer something is very, very wrong with me then I’m checking my Facebook/email/Twitter/stock updates on my iPhone. I text when I drive, when I work, and even when I’m in the same house as my roommates. I can’t even fight with a friend face to face anymore.

Yes, I have a problem.

But there are some things about technology that drive me crazy. Mostly, the things other people do (because I’m perfect). Things that make me truly hate the person enough to un-friend them. And not just on Facebook. And I’m not just talking about sending me invites to awful Facebook applications (“Send me a drink!”) or people who confuse “your” and “you’re” in a status update; I’m talking about real technology offenders.

So here is my personal list of 5 technological straws that break this tech camel’s back:

1. Mass Text Messages: It is totally cute and thoughtful of you to think of me on a holiday, an anniversary or when you pass by something that reminds you of me (like the vibrator store…seriously), but not so much when I find out that 14 other people happened to get the same thoughtful message. Why do we all remind you of vibrators? Wasn’t that our thing?

2. Plans via Text: I love texting. It’s a pretty benign form of communication when you wanna flirt and the perfect way to talk sh*t about someone who happens to be in the same room. What I don’t like is when you try and make plans with me via text when it would take 1/100th of the time to do it on the phone. If it is going to take more than 3 texts, call me! You’re giving me carpal tunnel and bumping up my phone bill.

3. The “Ok” text: Speaking of annoying text etiquette…maybe you don’t pay per text message, but I DO. There is no need to respond to my “I’ll be there in 5″ text with an “Ok.” That “Ok” just cost me $.10, so cough it up, chump.

4. Un-funny away messages: I know that I have really high expectations for the people in my life when it comes to humor, but if there is one thing that gets totally under my skin it is people who put up status/away messages that just aren’t funny. I am not reading your away message because I care what your class schedule is; I’m reading it because I’m procrastinating on a paper (or bored on the toilet) and need to be entertained. If I liked you enough to care where you were at any given moment (or to care that your bus was 26 minutes late this morning and it’s going to be a really bad day), I would know about it. Trust me.

5. People who answer the phone when they can’t talk: Seriously? Did you have to pick up the phone in the movie and whisper, “I’m in a movie. I can’t talk!”?  Not only are you annoying the people around you, but you’re annoying me. I don’t want to sit there and listen to your whispers/imagine your hot breath on my ear. Ew. Just don’t answer it.  That is why god invented voicemail.

But what are the kinds of things that you would never want to find in your guy’s room? Besides the very obvious (unrecognizable panties, bras, earrings, condom wrappers) I can name a few…

1. Super Creepy Porn.

You can pretty much accept the fact that there will be some form of porn in your guy’s room at some point. You can also be fairly sure that you will accidentally intercept said pornography via mail, browser history or that shoebox under his bed. (Tip: boys don’t want you to surprise them with spring cleaning; you probably shouldn’t want to surprise them with it either.) No big deal, I say, come to terms with the fact that while your guy absolutely loves hooking up with you, he will still want to look at porn. It’s just a different outlet for their sexuality and can actually improve your sex life when seen from the right perspective. Additionally, it’s a good substitute for when your boyfriend wants to get it on (always) and you don’t (rarely, but it happens). If there were no porn there would be an abnormally high amount of blue balls or of extremely exhausted girlfriends.

All the benefits of porn aside, though, there are some types you don’t want to find. I’m not even talking about anal, little people or ridiculously oversized toys (all pretty normal in porn-world.) I’m talking animals. I’m talking leprechaun-on mermaid-on Easter bunny 3-ways. I’m talking about really flattering pictures of you superimposed over the faces of “interacting” nuns (definitely not real Catholics). Unless your man has previously shared his kink-tastic ways with you, skeevy porn is definitely something you do not want to find in your man’s room…unless you’re into it…

2. Bloody Clothes.

You’d think this would be a pretty huge red flag, but there are plenty of excuses as to why your man might have bloody clothes in his room. Perhaps he is an outdoorsman who enjoys slaughtering deer on weekends. Maybe he was building you a birdhouse and things went seriously wrong with the electrical sander. Or, for those of use with the more typical college boyfriend, he was drunk and tripped on/punched/tried to cartwheel over something and got hurt doing it. All of those reasons aside, should you find a duffel bag with a black turtleneck, jogging pants, ski mask and/or machete covered in blood, run for the hills, girl.

3. A Shrine-Like Gathering of Your Personal Items.

Remember Helga from “Hey! Arnold”? Yea, the crazy blonde who built a very realistic rendition of Arnold out of his used gum. Well you just found a creepily similar statue tucked behind your man’s winter coats. It’s a great complement to the ring of scented votives in a circle around the pair of panties you wore the first time you two hooked up (you knew they went missing…), a suspiciously your-hair-colored hairball, pictures of you undressing that look like they were taken from a distance and old love letters…to your ex-boyfriends, dating back to Aaron from 4th grade. I can’t see how this would be construed as flattering, so don’t even let that thought enter your head, ladies – Noah built Allie a house, not a shrine. Hint: if you find this in his closet, I’d start looking around for the bloody clothes, just to be sure…

4. His “Meds.”

If one day you are innocently on the hunt for some ibuprofen and you find his prescription for anti-psychosis meds, it’s probably not a great sign. If you continue to look for more pills that he neglected to tell you he was on and find a cocktail of Xanax, Percocets, Valtrex and Penicillin it’s definitely a bad sign. Either homeboy has some serious dirt to spill about his last few check-ups, or you might just be dating a drug dealer. Either way, not disclosing certain ailments he has (STD’s, mental disorders, the usual) is a serious breach of trust and needs to be dealt with right away. My suggestion is to call the cops on his RX-happy ass or, if you’re into illegal activity and desperately in need of Spring Break funds, swipe ‘em and ask your most trusted sketchy friend where a gal goes about selling these kinds of things.

5. His other phone.

We all know that going through a loved one’s phone is a huge invasion of privacy and can often end in a breakup (as opposed to going through a stranger’s phone that you found at Happy Hour before returning it to them, which can often end in hilarity.) But let’s say you’re just lounging around one morning that you skipped class, watching some Ellen while your honey picks up bagels for some breakfast in bed. You hear a strange humming, it’s not your phone, and you check his charger—nope, not his phone either. But this vibration is pretty persistent, almost as persistent as an ex-girlfriend trying to get in touch with your boyfriend…

With this hunch, you get up to investigate, put Ellen on mute, and walk around the room listening for the bzzzz. You slowly open his sock drawer, where a mysterious blue light is glowing from the dress sock section (ok he probably doesn’t have his socks categorized, but you get it). You pick up a phone that you’ve never seen before. Michelle Great Rack is calling. You answer, presumably to help this Michelle put her great rack to use with whoever this phone really belongs to, only to have her coo your boyfriend’s name in a very phone-sex inducing voice. After explaining to Michelle that she and her rack have been aiding a cheating lying scumbag, you sift through dirty texts, inappropriate pictures, and AIM conversations so smooth your soon to be ex could be in a shaving cream commercial. You forward a few choice messages to your guy’s “legit” phone before calling him and telling him what you found in his room.

What would make you run screaming from your man’s apartment? Have you ever found any of the above items? Did you stick around long enough to tell him why you won’t be sleeping over anymore?

Your best friend totally stabbed you in the back…again. You don’t even know why you are friends with her anymore. Ok, so she is really fun to go out with and is the best person to lay in bed and watch a movie with, but the back stabbing and sh*t-talking has got to stop.

What a bitch. Seriously, the next time you see her you are going to open a major can of whoop ass and tell her everything that is on your mind: she’s a crappy friend, you can’t trust her, and those jeans you told her

you liked? Yeah, they make her look FAT!

You sit in your room waiting for her to come home, stewing. Each passing minute brings out more and more anger, and you think of more things you can’t wait to say to her. You have never been this angry. You are afraid she is going to cry. You have been waiting to say these things for a long time and there is no telling how it is all going to go down.

You hear her come home. She drops her things and comes and finds you in your room.

“Hey!” She says, in that annoyingly chipper tone.

“Hey,” you reply.

“What’s up?”

“Nothin’, just studying. How was your day?” So, you chicken out. She just looks so normal and happy and you don’t know how to verbally bitch slap someone to her face. You know she doesn’t mean to be a bad friend, and you feel bad unleashing all that anger on her. And having to watch her reaction.

She starts talking about your other friends and the things they are saying about you, and you begin getting angry again. How could you not confront her?! But you can’t. Not to her face. She eventually makes her way back to her own room and signs online.

You see her name pop up on your buddy list and that is when you let it all out.

“You know how I said I was fine? Well I’m not fine! You are a crappy friend….”

Sure, she was just in your room. Yeah, she can hear you tapping your foot through the wall. Ok, so you couldn’t say this stuff to her face; it is just so much easier online! Why have to tell her something to her face when you can hide behind your MacBook and not have to see her reactions? There is nothing wrong with doing it this way, is there? You will get it all out and then have the make up hug in person; it’s basically the same thing!

And this is better, anyway. You are getting it all off your chest – you have time to think about what you want to say and feel so much more comfortable saying it online. You do everything else online (like tell boys you like them), so why not this?

Don’t worry; we’ve all convinced ourselves of the very same things before. The online fight? We’ve all been there.

Forget the girl with her heart on her sleeve; wear your uterus on your undies?

Some men are really, really desperate.

Katie Perry eats it on national TV.

Now everyone can look like Heidi Klum. Well, sorta.

Joe the Plumber and Joe Six Pack chat it up.

The greatest college pranks…ever.

Columbia gets erotic.

Travis Barker is out of the hospital!

The most delicious iPhone.

Professor trading cards? It’s real!

That doesn’t mean you have to throw in the non-recyclable towel. There are so many things you can do to reduce your carbon footprint and give back to Mother Earth. Here are some tips to help the planet and inspire your peers to do the same:

1. Skip the single serving snack-packs. Get a big bag and make your own single-serving portion in a small plastic bag when you’re on the go. Wash the bag out when you’re done and do it again the next time. It’s that easy.

2. Chill out with the AC. Tons of college students keep their AC’s running just because they can. That’s not cool! (Note: yes, the pun was intended.) Don’t act like a monkey when it comes to the environment. Leaving your AC running while you’re out hurts the planet regardless of whether or not you’re paying the bill.

3. Turn off your computer. I know, I know. It’s so tempting to leave your AIM on all day long so your friends can leave you little messages and see which classes you’re in, etc. BUT (there is always a “but”), it’s better for the planet and your computer if you just shut it off when you leave.

4. Buy used books. Not only is buying new books bad for the environment (because it supplies a demand for deforestation), but it’s also way more expensive than buying used books. Plus, used books may already have tons of helpful notes scribbled in the margins, which will help a ton come finals.

5. Take notes on your computer. Bring your laptop to class and take notes on it instead of in a notebook. Not only will you save on paper (again, good for your wallet and the environment), but if you’re anything like me, you’ll have much more organized notes.

6. Bring your own cup. It’s really easy yet so many people don’t do this. Have a mug in your bag for coffee when you make a stop before class. Just because you need to stop at Starbucks doesn’t mean that you have to use one (or two) of their paper cups with the logo on it. And if you do need to wear the logo, buy one of their mugs and use that each time. (You can also carry your own container for water from the fountain, sodas, or whatever else you drink.)

7. Avoid the bottled beer. When you’re out at the bar buy anything but the bottled beer. Beer on tap, for example, gets put into big pint glasses. The bar washes them and reuses them. Your Corona Light, however, ends up in the garbage and who knows whether or not your local college bar recycles. (Editor’s Note: It most likely does not.)

8. Read your school newspaper online. In fact, read all your entertainment online. You can get newspapers, magazines, entertainment, and even books online these days. There’s hardly an excuse to buy print media, especially considering the fact that it drains our resources from the planet.

9. Ask your teacher about email. When I was in college, it was totally acceptable to email my professors my homework assignments and papers. Many teachers prefer grading things online and not having to deal with shuffling papers from classroom to classroom. Don’t print out anything you don’t need to (class syllabus, assignments and review sheets included).

10. Buy used. This applies to more than just your books. It applies to your clothes, your furnishings, your bike, your car…everything. A lot of people think that they can’t have a leather coat and also be Green, but that is not true! Used things have already been made; it’s worse to let them go to waste than to not use them at all. Keep that in mind before you buy anything brand new again.

It can be hard to have a positive influence on those around you in college, but believe me it’s much better to try to do the right thing and hope people follow than to just follow. Lead by example and show everyone else how easy going Green can be.

I remember having a drunken bonding moment with a really cool guy in college a few years ago, and he asked for my number. I asked for his screen name instead. I mean, IM-ing someone is so much more casual, and so much less stressful. You don’t have to feel your heart thumping through your chest as the phone rings. Is he going to answer? Is it going to go to voicemail? Is he blocking me? What do I say if he picks up?

With IM, you can see if he’s away or idle, and choose your own adventure from there. You can leave a casual “Just wanted to say I had a great time last night” IM, rather than starting a phone call with the same line and then struggling to make small talk. Likewise, you can make small talk behind the shield of the IM window, where he can’t hear your voice crack, and where you can copy and paste the whole convo to all of your girlfriends and get advice while you try to weed out his intentions.

And then came Facebook. The social network has made quite the mark on the dating scene. There’s the poke, which can be viewed as casual, flirty, or creepy. There’s the “it’s complicated” label for the relationship you’re in (finally- you can be open about having a f*ck buddy without warding off the rest of the male population!); and of course, there’s the wall post, which makes the casual IM seem like the awkward phone call of yesteryear.

I mean, the Facebook Comment is meant to be a quick exchange, with no pressure to make conversation. When you make a phone call, you have to come up with a discussion and keep the ball rolling. When you IM, there’s still the slight chance that he comes un-idle and writes back. With the F/B comment, it’s open and shut. Even if he writes back immediately, you can pretend you didn’t read it, and wait until the drunken-hookup hormones die down before you decide whether you want to pursue a fling or keep it casual.

Even better, the post-date phone call screams “interested.” So there’s not really a way to let someone down gently. You meet, you have a date, you feel a connection. Then you wait three days. If he calls, he wants you; if he doesn’t, you’re done. But Facebook gives people a chance to be “friends” first (and I use the term loosely, since Facebook friends and true camaraderie are entirely different entities). But the “friending” option is beneficial in two crucial ways. One, you don’t owe a Facebook friend anything. You don’t owe him a date, just like he doesn’t owe you an explanation if his last fifteen comments are from blonde supermodels in training. Two, since you don’t owe him a date, you can safely flirt through F/B until you know it’s time to make a move.

Say you meet someone at a party, and your buzz makes you believe you could be compatible. He calls, and you’re pressured to make some sort of plans. Then you have to fake food poisoning and skip out on the check because the beer goggles have flown off with the force of a Kansas tornado. However, if you have access to his Facebook, you can check out his interests, his friends, and, most importantly, his photos. You can also poke and message for an undetermined amount of time, and bide your time until you’re ready to meet up again.

Yeah, Facebook and Myspace have their flaws, which you’ll discover when you’re denied a job because a recruiter saw your kegstand photos during a background check. But they’ve changed the face of relationships. And personally, I think the dating scene has gotten easier. Nobody ever got an STD from a cyber-poke.

[photo from jupiterimages]

Or how about Freshman year in college when you somehow managed to get your crush’s AIM name, and then proceeded to sit over the keyboard for hours, sweating about if IMing him and “just saying hi” would somehow make you a creepy stalker?

If you’re in my generation, you grew up with AIM, just like you grew up with boy bands and obesity. Growing up with AIM means that we’re all too familiar with the “Away Message”, a strange societal habit of TMI. Even though Away Messages tend to vacillate, there are a few that pop up time and time again. Below, we’ve captured the top 5 familiar few.

5) The “Annoyingly In Love While the Rest of the World Suffers Alone” Message:

4) The “Feel Free to Stalk Me” Message:

3) The “Needlessly Profound” Message:

2) The “Random Emo Poetry” Message:

1) The “Come On, You’ve Gotta Give Us Something” Message: