Wasilla, Alaska won’t be seeing any casting call flyers hanging around Main St. any time soon.  The faux-engagement of town darlings (or terrors), Bristol and Levi, failed to get them a reality show, so the two have called it off…for now.  While they may not be worthy stars in their own right (contrary to what Levi might think), I think if Bristi (Levstol? Brevi?  What was their nickname, anyway?) were open to appearing on an already existing show, they might have a shot at stardom.

Picture this:

Judge Judy
Who gets to keep the engagement ring?  What are the terms of visitation rights with Tripp?  These are issues that need to be hammered out, preferably on camera!  Divorce Court could make an exception for these almost-divorcees, but I think we need to call in the biggest, baddest judge of them all: Judy.  Talk about someone who wouldn’t take any crap.

Teen Mom
Bristol would be excellent on season three, no?  Levi could make infrequent cameos when he wasn’t posing again for Playboy, but the spotlight would be on Mama B and her baby Tripp.  We would follow them around Alaska as she taught her son the ways of the forest and shopped for toddler Benadryl at the local Target.  You know she slips him a dropper-full every so often under the pretense that he’s “a little fussy, must be teething.”  Hey, whatever gets that kid to sleep at night (which has to be hard considering who is parents are).

VH1’s Tool Academy
Levi totally wants to be the best dad he can be…so long as his recovery from douchey-ness is fully publicized and is followed by exclusive photo shoots and million-dollar interviews.  Could host Jordan Murphy help whip Levi into father of the year?  Tune in and find out.

Or maybe Bristol and Levi could have success going it alone…

Alaska Shore: I Can See Russia From My House
You know you’d watch this.  It wouldn’t be hard to find the most moose-ed out, plaid wearing, gun toting folks in town to star in a Wasilla-centric reality show.  I, for one, am dying to find out about the culture that spit out the glorious couple that is (was) Bristol and Levi.  How important are snowmobiles to their daily life?  Do they ride them to the bar?  Can you get a ticket for drunk snowmobiling?  Is it commonplace to bring babies to the bar?  (I ask because I feel Tripp would be adorable sitting on the bar top opening beer bottles with his chubby little hands.)

It’s such an untapped market, these people of the far-north.  Levi’s druggie mom would obvi have to be on the show.  And First Dude, Todd.  Sarah’s American flag bikini would make an appearance regularly.  Throw in some local drunks and a few moose and this thing would be the white trash version of an Abercrombie photo shoot.

Fact: These boys aren't from Alaska

You know when you meet a great guy and you really hit it off? Everything is going swimmingly and you’re starting to imagine the wedding and the kids and the white picket fence, when you reach between his legs and… womp, womp, womp… all your dreams come crashing down.

It turns out that your tube of Nars Orgasm lipstick is bigger than what that dreamboat is packing. And you had no idea.

Disappointment and shame to follow.

Well, women of the world rejoice! Manhunt Daily has offered you salvation. Now instead of asking guys their star sign to see if you’ll jive, you can learn all you need to by simply finding out where they were born.

Manhunt compiled a list of the states in order of largest to smallest average penis size. And topping the charts at a whopping 7.59 inches is Washington, D.C.!  That’s fitting; it takes some big cajones to run this country, and now it’s been confirmed that they got they’ve got the joystick to match.

New York came in second at 7.50 inches, which truly shocked me. All this time I thought city guys were just overcompensating for what they were lacking in their nether regions. But as it turns out, they may be lying about their bloated bank accounts, but they have a right to be cocky about their cocks.

Coming in last at a small, but still respectable, 6.34 inches is Alaska. But what else did you expect? Imagine jumping into a freezing cold swimming pool every day when you step outside. One word: Shrinkage.

The days of wondering and worrying about what your man has going on under his jeans are over. The next time you meet a man from Delaware (#49 on the list) with an in-your-face bulge happening down below, expect to find an extra sock or two once the clothes come off.

But just remember, it’s not the size of the wave, but the motion of the ocean that counts, ladies.

Vegetarians make better lovers.

Was Michael Jackson murdered?!

Are you a suntan addict?

Vanessa Hudgens is growing up. Awww.

Boost that Wi-Fi signal yourself.

Sarah Palin really screws Alaska.

Matt Lauer has a run-in with Bambi.

Another reason it’s great not to live in Alaska.

Celebrities are really narcissitic.

Make your dreams come true.

Enough with the fluff – send an honest e-card.

Congrats, Natasha Bedingfield!

Harrison Ford finally proposed.

Lindsay Lohan wants to get back to work.

How do you rock ankle-tie shoes?!

Someone wants to marry Paris Hilton??

Dora The Explorer is a slut.

Time to start lathering up the sunscreen!

It means that it’s time to sell those baby pics to the highest bidder!

Looks like People magazine won the bidding war, offering the Palin-Johnston clan $300,000. That’s a lot of money, especially in Alaska where the only things you can buy are drugs, tanning beds and weapons. Maybe they’ll use the money to buy a helicoptor for some wolf hunting. Or maybe they’ll use it to bail Mama Johnston out of jail?

All I know is Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson must be feeling pretty crappy right about now. They got a big fat ZERO for pics of Bronx Mowgli.

Apparently sick and tired with what the media is doing to his image — crafting him into a stupid redneck who accidentally got Sarah Palin’s daughter preggo — Johnston decided to talk to the Associated Press about everything from his love of Bristol to what he really thinks of Barack.

“We both love each other,” Johnston told the AP about Bristol. “We both want to marry each other. And that’s what we are going to do.” When it comes to his new baby (due in December), Johnston seems just as equally “excited.”

“I’m looking forward to having [the baby], I’m going to take him hunting and fishing. He’ll be everywhere with me.”

As for that Myspace page that claimed Johnston was a proud redneck and didn’t want kids? Turns out his friends made it a year ago as a joke and he had nothing to do with it — I mean, so he says.

The author of the AP article writes that Levi is a “soft-spoken” scruffy hottie who’s also an “avid hunter” — he’s got animal skulls littering his Alaskan home. After learning that his gf was pregnant, Levi dropped out of high school and now works in the oil fields as an apprentice technician, doing all he can to make the dolla dolla bills for his new family.

As for being thrust into the spotlight so suddenly? Johnston claims nonchalance. “At first, I was nervous, then I was like, ‘Whatever’.”

Even though everyone is all Levi Johnston you’re so famous now!, the 18-year-old is totes taking his new life in stride. “I’m still the same old boy. I’m just a workin’ man.”

Obviously, Johnston wants Sarah Palin and McCain to win this election (esp if he values his life and future), but unlike a lot of McCain/Palin supporters, he’s not rabidly against Obama. “[Barack] seems like a good guy. I like him.”

[Should you desire to read more mind-altering quotes from Johnston, see the full article HERE]

Breaking: We think we may have found the gift registry of Bristol Palin and her baby daddy.

As strange and funny as it is, we are seriously hoping this isn’t real. When your mom puts a tanning bed in the Governor’s Mansion, is it really crazy to assume you’d be registered at Pottery Barn Kids instead of JCPenny?

Not to mention the fact that this registry looks like it’s more for Bristol and Levi than it is for a baby. We can’t begin to fathom what a newborn would do with a Tin Can Alley Shooting Gallery.

Take a look at the probably fake but incredibly hil-arious registry HERE.

As I continue to try and wrap my head around Sarah Palin, the GOP’s newest Vice Presidential pick (“a woman making strides toward the white house, good!”, “a woman who thinks the government has the right to tell her what her reproductive rights are, bad!”), a few wayward comments flying around the internet and media have gotten me really confused.  According to sources, Palin is on record stating that global warming is not man made, and that polar bears aren’t endangered

…What?

“A changing environment will affect Alaska more than any other state, because of our location.” Palin stated as early as a few weeks ago to a conservative magazine for it’s September issue. “I’m not one though who would attribute it to being man-made.”

As a moderate liberal, I can often support Republicans and Independents, as long as I believe their brain is in the right place. The thing is…denying humans have anything to do with global warming, and working to keep polar bears off the endangered list goes beyond politics and veers into …well…complete and utter wrongness.

“The state of Alaska will sue to challenge the recent listing of polar bears as a threatened species, Gov. Sarah Palin announced. She and other Alaska elected officials fear a listing will cripple oil and gas development in prime polar bear habitat off the state’s northern and northwestern coasts.”

“Palin argued that there is not enough evidence to support a listing. Polar bears are well-managed and their population has dramatically increased over 30 years as a result of conservation, she said.”

Alaskan oil is more important than protecting wildlife?  Wildlife that has met the unfortunate conclusion time and time  and time again of drastic decrease or even full extinction in the next 50 years?

How is McCain and crew (not to mention Palin herself) going to twist her statements into sounding even remotely with the times?  You know who else thinks global warming is propaganda, and could give a rat’s ass about the polar bears?  My next door neighbor.  Who’s 85.  And who thinks the birds on the telephone wires are communicating directly with NASA.

Even though I’m proud of the fact that old white dudes are finally taking women seriously, I’ve been wary of Plain from the beginning, and this new information has done nothing to assuage my fears. Palin may be a powerful woman, but she ain’t no Hillary, and she certainly ain’t no environmentalist.

God knows how she’s going to be VP with 5 kids. One time I babysat 5 kids and couldn’t even pee without someone shoving a crayon in someone else’s eye, let alone help lead a country.

Perhaps Palin’s daily schedule will look a little something like this:

5:30AM: change diapers, wipe poop off of hands to read daily briefing, breast feed

6:30AM: feed and burp children, wipe baby puke off her Talbot’s dress, tell children to “stop playing with mommie’s pearls!”

10:30AM: get to office, notice wayward baby throw-up on shoe, talk to advisers

12:30PM: eat a healthy lunch, read some more briefings, try to catch a half hour of TiVoed “Oprah”

3:30PM: get a call from a nanny that someone hit someone over the head with a pot. Explain to nanny that “if no one is bleeding, then it’s fine, and just use the time-out corner.”

6:00PM: arrive home exhausted. Suddenly realize there are 20 hands grabbing at pantsuit, breast feed

8:30PM: use a small army to get everyone in bed. Read stories about a magical land called Washington and a big castle called The White House.

10:00PM: break open the liquor cabinet, watch the end of “Oprah”, spy what may or may not be baby poop on the rug.

Here’s hoping Palin has what it takes to be both a mom to her kids and a caretaker to McCain…

Once thought a longshot, Republican Alaskan Senator Sarah Palin is now on a plane to potentially stand at McCain’s side. Also leavin’ on a jetplane is Mass’s Mormon Mitt Romney. Ohhhhhhh the tension is killing me, but we have received some great insights from interns that we know who work at some real publications.

If Obama had tapped (politically speaking) Hillary Clinton, Mitt Romney would be the VP bid to try and match her fund-raising firepower. Since Joe Biden is in, the Republicans can now pick a female VP and look (and this is a direct quote), “progressive in the ever-changing political landscape where all citizens have equal representation and a global voice.” Gosh, I wish I could write pretty like that.

Who do you want (politically speaking of course)?

Either way, at about noon, we should be hearing who is on the ‘Straight Talk Express’ and who is flying home in coach. I can only wonder where Bill Richardson disappeared to in all of this clamor, but I guess his work in Homeland Security and the fact that 85% of Americans don’t feel any safer kinda’ worked against him. Sorry Bill.