Them's fighting words, Lindsay.

For those of you living under a rock (or in a cubicle thanks to that stupid unpaid internship deal) these past couple of days, Lindsay “Lilo” Lohan has been sentenced to 90 days in the slammer for….A LOT OF THINGS: cocaine possession, tampering with her SCRAM bracelet, driving drunk on the freeway…the list goes on. Sadness for Linds (and the paparazzi who will have nothing to do for 3 months.

Even worse, thanks to her nice little message (“F**K U”) painted on her nails in court, Ms. Lohan may be spending even more time behind bars for contempt of court. Buuuurn.

We’re all about punishing Lindsay for all of her less-than-flattering indiscretions, but if Linds is getting bonus jail time for writing F U on her nails, she better be getting even more for these crimes against humanity:

Her spread (eagle) in Muse Magazine

Not only was this pretty much the worst idea ever for “cleaning up your image,” but haven’t we seen enough of her boobage without having a professional photographer involved?

Her performance (or lack therof) in Georgia Rule

If I missed an entire day of my internship, I’d get the boot. Lilo should get an extra day in the clink for every hour she wasted on set.

I Know Who Killed Me

Daddy issues are a reason to be incarcerated, right?

One word: Ungaro

The entire fashion world was issuing Ms. Lohan fashion tickets for this hot mess of a collaboration. Making women wear this? Go to jail, Linds. Go directly to jail.

Her self-tanning spray

The only thing that should be that color orange is her jumpsuit. ZING!

Um. This.

This is 100% assault. On my eyes. She needs to be punished.

Her relationship with Aaron Carter

It’s bad enough that she dated one of the biggest losers in Hollywood, but she also stole said loser from good girl and major sweetheart, Hilary Duff. Thieves get jail time, yes?

Lilo really needs to stop crying about this whole “90 day” thing. By our calculations, she’s getting off easier than Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton combined.

I am so sick and tired of hearing about Jesse James trying to apologize and make up excuses for why he decided to cheat on Sandra Bullock, America’s favorite sweetheart. It’s bad enough that he cheated on Sandy with multiple women, but the fact that he’s going to the media (i.e People Magazine, Nightline) and explaining what prompted him to cheat (apparently his Dad was abusive to him as a child) just proves that he needs to grow a pair and be held solely responsible for his actions.

During his Nightline interview, James explained that one of the main reasons he cheated on Sandy was because as a child, his father was emotionally and physically abusive to him, going as far as breaking his arm and beating him. Although I do think abuse is an extremely touchy subject and it would be stupid to make up stories about abuse, I don’t even know what to believe anymore. Here, the fault lies in not only James but also Nightline. By granting him an interview and allowing him to share his side of the story, the public is encouraged to sympathize with him and maybe even give him a free pass for his infidelities. It’s a win-win situation for both sides: Nightline gets the viewership and publicity of the interview and James gets more coverage and money in return.

Abuse or not, what people need to understand is that Jesse James initially made a vow to Sandra Bullock during their marriage and he was the one who chose to sleep with Bombshell McGee (the tattooed up adultress who, in desire for her 15 minutes of fame, blabbed her big mouth to the world). At the end of the day, by excusing his “transgressions” (ha!) to his father’s abuse, James is the coward copping out and not stepping up to his own responsibilities.

The same can be said for Lindsay Lohan, the actress we all love to hate. Lohan, who once used to be one of Hollywood’s most sought out actresses, is now a hot tranny mess who is shamefully wearing her SCRAM ankle bracelet. Many people blame her parents for her derailment, but honestly, she’s the one snorting all the coke and downing Vodka like it’s water. Lohan should really be taking advice from Drew Barrymore, who, after her stints in rehab and failed marriages, is now Hollywood’s Golden Girl.

Sucky parents or not, celebrities in the likes of James and Lohan need to realize that for all that they’re given in the world – a life of fame, luxury and money – they need to step up and seriously take some personal responsbilities to their action. I absolutely do not feel sorry for James and hope that he locks him and his junk away from the rest of the world and becomes eternally miserable for cheating on Miss Congeniality.

Suck it Jesse.

There are a lot of celebrities out there that simply disappear, whether it be voluntarily or due to lack of talent/rehab/Bermuda triangle.  There are a couple that have massive amounts of issues, yet refuse to disappear.  In fact, they seem to pop up everywhere, strutting around uninvited on every red carpet.  People like Bai Ling and Paris Hilton are prime examples.

More recently, we have Mischa Barton.  I gotta admit, I really do enjoy watching a mediocre TV actress fall from grace (and she fell hard!).  Oh, speaking of mediocre actresses, I think I heard the other day that Tara Reid has teamed up with the douchebag powerhouse that is Christian Audigier to design some piece of crap that I’ll certainly see all around campus.  Yay.

In light of that wonderful piece of news, I think it’s time to pair up a couple of the most washed up faces in Hollywood:  Mischa Barton and Tara Reid.

Acting
Mischa Barton was never a steller actress, let’s not lie.  She peaked in The Sixth Sense as the creepy ghost girl who barfed a lot.  The OC was a shambles, especially when she became a drug addict or whatever and then died randomly in the third season.  Has anyone seen Mischa in anything since then?  Not unless you caught one of her straight-to-DVD releases.  Yeesh.

Tara Reid is not a great actress by any means.  I did enjoy her run in American Pie (1 and 2) and the episodes of Scrubs that she appeared in were hilarious.  However, whenever I watch her in anything else, all that comes to mind is the word “sticky.”  She just looks sticky and sweaty and drunk at all times…probably because she’s always at least one of those things (I’m voting for drunk).  See: Taradise.

Point: Mischa Barton. In the realm of acting, Mischa Barton is a fail.  At least Tara Reid’s slew of vapid, slutty characters are entertaining.

Fashion
Mischa Barton wears some pretty awesome stuff.  I’ve actually opened up the style section of a magazine and seen her there (the good part of the style section, not the losers section).  She takes chances and it pays off.  Not always, though…we’ve had some pretty awful situations involving vintage items, mini dresses and feathers.  Her foray into headbands has also gotten pretty interesting…

Tara Reid has no style.  Her “style,” as it were, consists of crop tops, glittery things, and denim mini skirts.  I certainly won’t be forgetting the exposed boob incident for a while.  She also seems to be anti-bra, even after her boob job.

Point: Tara Reid. It’s no contest, really.

(Un)classiness
Mischa Barton has been pretty unclassy lately, what with her boozin’ and partyin’.  At least she checked into rehab (finally!) after one too many shots of her looking like a certifiably crazy person with a really puffy face.  Oh, and let’s not forget her 2007 arrest for drunk driving (without a license).  Classy, girl.

Tara Reid just oozes class skankiness.  That girl is an a bikini 90% of the time, swigging something from a bottle (but not eating…never eating).  She’s done her time in rehab, but her reputation as a boozehound isn’t leaving her anytime soon.  See again: Taradise.

Point: Tara Reid. Not classy.  Anti-classy.

Love Life
Mischa Barton dates musicians.  Seriously – if you’re in an indie rock band and are based somewhere in the UK, you probably have a pretty good chance of getting with Mischa Barton (lucky you).  That is, when she gets out of rehab.

Tara Reid has dated every football player ever (only a slight exaggeration) and a generous sprinkling of other men have decorated her arm over the years.  I guess guys really do go for those party-girl types.  I’m gonna go get my drink on and test this theory out…

Point: Tara Reid. Maybe if she worked more and spent less time romping around random beaches she’d be less of a whore.  Maybe.

Gossip Presence
Mischa Barton has been huge in the gossip columns lately: is she suicidal? Will she still have a role on the new CW show after her stint in rehab?  Where is she getting all of these headbands?  Very important stuff.

Tara Reid really isn’t doing much of anything and it shows:  she isn’t in any gossip column.  When she does appear, it’s mostly following comments that are surprised to find she still exists (but not at all surprised that she’s sloppy and drunk and…sticky).

Point: Mischa Barton. She is definitely being talked about, what with this whole rehab/new TV show thing going on.  Tara…only wishes she had something newsworthy about her.

Celebretard Prize Goes To: Tara Reid. Just bow out peacefully and go seclude yourself on some beach so you don’t accidentally brush up against anyone and rub off your fake tan/greasiness.

My aunt has been addicted to cheap pink wine fore 13 years. When I was a teenager I remember finding a giant bottle tucked away in the fridge near her bathroom. She used to say, “I just like having a glass before bed…it helps me sleep.” But even then I knew there was more to it than that.

This woman I knew as energetic, happy and fun transformed into a mean, foul being who constantly played the blame-game when she explained why she drank. “Your mother and uncle have always been awful to me…they made me this way.” I never loved my husband…he made me this way.”

Listening to her go on and on was not only angering, but utterly draining. I’d leave her house after a visit and feel exhausted by the toxic energy she spewed at me. It was in that last moment, when I pulled out of her driveway, that I decided I’d never set foot in her house again. 

It’s been four years. And when I received an intoxicated and seemingly heartfelt voicemail from her on Thursday, wishing me a happy birthday, I decided I needed to see her. I knew she would be a mess, my mother and grandmother constantly report her unimproved status on a daily basis. But I wanted to experience her myself. I wanted to see how much worse she’d become, as crazy as that sounds.

I walked in her backdoor with my mom (there was no way in hell I’d go alone) and saw her: hair, a mix of gray and red; face, makeup smeared and layered; body, almost emaciated. She was sweet at first. Her body shaky and weak. But when my uncle came home or my cousin entered the room, she’d shout, “I hate you!” and “You’re worthless.”

It was shocking to see what they were living with. That day she’d thrown my uncle’s laptop computer out the window and destroyed it, just because he wouldn’t pick up wine for her. He called the cops; she got arrested and sat in jail for 4 hours. Of course this was all she talked about. A circling of phrases that sometimes inquired about how I was doing, how my boyfriend was and then back to “Can you BELIEVE I was in JAIL for FOUR hours today!!!!!?????”

Speaking with someone in this state of mind is incredibly unbearable. And seeing how much her addiction has ruined her and her family was almost movie-like. It was so bad it didn’t seem real.

It got me to thinking about how people deal with problems. She has been suppressing years and years of emotional pain and thoughts with alcohol instead of dealing with them head on. She has been missing out on her life because she’s been too afraid to deal with and communicate her concerns, her worries, her dreams.

Life isn’t easy. But it’s overcoming challenges, not hiding from them, that makes us healthy and strong. If what you’re experiencing is too overwhelming, ask for guidance, speak up and surround yourself with happy people. Doing so will ensure that you never find yourself alone at the bottom of a wine bottle.

Things ended when he moved out to L.A. after graduation, but we kept in touch online and through Facebook ever since.

So when I clicked on my Facebook event notification and saw that he’d be back in town in a couple months, my first instinct was to accept the invite to the party in his honor.

That is, until I saw the Facebook wall.

One of his buddies, whom I’ve never met in my life, wrote on the wall: “Hey Blake, you should call that Melanie chick. That alcoholic nympho will probably get so excited she’ll bust a clasp on her straight jacket.”

Wow. What?!

Directly following Doucheface’s comment, Blake responded with a nice “hahahaha.”

Shocked, embarrassed and angry, I confronted Blake about the whole thing. He fed me some baloney about his friend “taking stories and blowing them out of proportion” and brushed me off like it was no big deal. I was not amused. I mean, this was not some private issue; my name was being slandered in a very public place.

I waited a couple days to see if Blake would delete the comment. He didn’t.
Naturally, I declined the invite to this Mel-bashing soiree.

The sad thing is, this isn’t the first time I’ve been Facebook blasted. I’ve seen terrible comments about me on friends’ walls as well. Do these people think I’m not going to see it? Or are they too afraid to talk sh*t to me in person? Why would anyone think it is OK to use Facebook as a sh*t talking battle ground?

I get that these Facebook blasters are fugly, useless degenerates and not particularly worth my time, but what really irks me is the fact that these rude insults about me are floating around on the internet for everyone to see and I have no way to stop it. No way to defend myself. I’m being bullied and I can’t fight back.

Have any of you ever been a victim of Facebook hate? Share your stories below.

Melanie currently interning in NYC, taking full advantage of all margarita specials and those blonde summer boys. Stalk her on Twitter: @tinkermellie

It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt. And in the game of Bad Habits, you will always come out a loser. As I laid in a tanning bed, I thought about how this bad habit was going to affect me in the long run. Even though I love the immediate benefits of this vice (golden, sun-kissed skin!), I can’t help but worry about my future as a leather-skinned freak. Is the bronze skin of today worth the skin cancer of tomorrow? Let’s examine the dangerous games we play and weigh whether the consequences are worth the benefits:

Tanning

Why We Do It: I am addicted to the healthy glow I get from taking a 20 minute nap in my favorite tanning bed! I feel more relaxed, have less acne, and generally feel less self-conscious. When I’m feeling confident, I can stand up straighter, smile bigger, and show off my legs without feeling embarrassed. I feel like confidence enhances my life and I don’t want to go through my heyday without it.

Why We Shouldn’t: The reality is that, while I may feel cool and confident in my 20′s, I may be hitting up the dermatologist through my 30′s and beyond. If you expose yourself to tanning beds before age 35, your risk of developing melanoma increases 75%! Not only will I be spending my health insurance on removing cancerous or suspicious growths, I’ll be looking in a mirror at wrinkles and sagging skin. So, is the confident glow I see today going to be worth the leathery cancer-face in my future?

Drinking

Why We Do It: I may be of the non-drinking persuasion, but that doesn’t mean I don’t see why others choose to do it. Alcohol loosens you up in social situations and relaxes you after a stressful week of classes. A rousing game of quarters can bring a group of people together and help you forget about that exam you may have bombed.

Why We Shouldn’t: Unfortunately, not too many college students know when to stop before getting out of control. Did you know that 31% of college students meet the criteria for a diagnosis of alcohol abuse? Each year, 1,700 students die from alcohol related causes and over 719,000 will suffer from consequences such as injury, assault, rape and unprotected sex. Drinking one too many is not only terrible for your health and safety, but what about those embarrassing pictures of you on Facebook that Jerkface refuses to take down?! When you decide to drink at a party, you may spend 3 hours enjoying yourself, but think ahead to what the consequences might be.

Smoking

Why We Do It: Nicotine creates that feel-good sensation, calming nerves in the way that adrenaline would during a terrifying public speech. After a long day of stressing out, girls reach for the cigs to chill and shake the anxiety. Some have even fallen for the myth that smoking will help you lose weight. Smoking is also considered a fun social activity that brings people together as they stand outside the smoke-free bar recounting what so-and-so just did with that blow up doll and a bottle of chocolate syrup.

Why We Shouldn’t: You may feel like that first puff is stripping away all your worries, but that’s just the endorphins talking. After that nicotine leaves your system an hour later, your problems will still be there except now you’ll have another one: poor health. And don’t think that smoking is a great alternative to getting a bod like Giselle! Once that nicotine raises your heart rate, blood pressure and labors your breathing, you won’t last two minutes on the treadmill. In fact, smoking will eventually increase your levels of bad cholesterol, damaging your arteries just like that Double-Double Burger you’ve been craving since Friday. Not to mention cancer, the stench, the expense and addiction!

Casual Sex

Why We Do It: Women have fought for centuries against the double standard and today is the first era that sexual freedom and expression has finally reached near equality. If we meet a hot guy, we can hook up and never have to call him back (especially if dude has some rank breath and a collection of anime porn mags). Some girls may sleep with a guy because they are horny, bored, lonely, drunk, like him, or want attention. A swift roll in the hay can make a girl feel empowered and desired.

Why We Shouldn’t: Aside from any moral repercussions, casual sex can reek havoc on your body and state of mind! One in four college women have an STD, but only 10% of them know it. Look around your classroom one day…several girls sitting around you will be afflicted with one of these diseases and not even know it! Makes you want to remind all your girlfriends about carrying condoms, doesn’t it? Not only can hooking up increase your chances of being a regular at the gynecologist, but it can depress you too! Having a heat-of-the-moment night may seem like a blast, but what happens if you really like the guy and he doesn’t call? Biologically, women are hardwired with oxytocin to create a bond after intercourse. If this bond is broken, it can make it harder for us to trust guys and still feel good about ourselves.

So many choices, so much to think about.

Are you able to weigh the benefits of your habit with its consequences? Have you found a successful method of changing your ways? Bottom line, do you think indulging in vices today is worth harming your future?

Here’s a secret: the editors of CollegeCandy are not in college anymore. And we cry about it every day. Seriously. We thought running a site for college girls would help us stay young, but waking up every day and reading about your college lives makes us want to do a keg stand…and then cry in the corner.

When we were still in school (only a short time ago, thankyouverymuch), we took it for granted. The freedom, the endless flow of money into our bank accounts, the drink specials, the endless flow of men up and down the hallways of our dorm… We never appreciated what we had. And now we are in the real world. And it sucks.

We felt it was our duty to remind you how good you have it. Life will never be as awesome as college – you can’t stay home from work because you feel like it, you can’t trip and fall on a cute and available guy, and Thirsty Thursdays no longer exist. So take a moment and think about your favorite thing about college life. Our writers did and here is what they have to say:

Brithny – Duke: The only thing better than the word “sale” is the word “free.” And in college, it means free shirts, hats, stress balls, bobble-heads, Tylenol, trainers, spotters, tutors, and for my wilder friends, an endless fishbowl of condoms.

Amanda – Wagner: I love being able to manipulate my schedule to have Fridays off and, if I can manage, to have my earliest class at 1pm.

Mazuba – Westchester Community College: The freedom to make your own schedule and not have to get up at 5am to be at school at 7:45 like in high school. We all need our beauty sleep and time to recover from the tequila shots the night before!

Charlsie – Hollins: All the sketchy things I have done out of boredom with my best friends. These moments have shaped who I am and my college experience entirely, and I know I will look back on them forever.

Sarah – East Carolina University: College Football! Nothing better than spending all day tailgating and watching the game!

Sara C- Fordham: Living in such close proximity to my friends. Even though I have an apartment now, being in school means most of my friends live in a 3-block radius. And of course in the dorms all you have to do is walk down the hall to see your best friends. Every night is like a sleepover!

CJ – UConn: Drinking while you work.  I can write a paper with a glass of vino in my hand, but at work-work…. not so much.

Donnette – Manhattanville College: Being on my own and still getting money from my parents

Thu – USC: Independence. Doing what you felt like doing when you feel like doing it.

Alex – Lakehead University: The freedom!

Anna – Northeastern: The convenience of everything – the gym, grocery store, cafeteria, classroom buildings, and my work study job are all a 5 minute walk away!

Sarabeth – University of Texas: The 3am food runs.

Elizabeth – UC Berkeley: Game days.  One of the only times where it is socially acceptable to get trashed during the day and pass out by 6 PM.

Liza M – Minnesota: Being able to do whatever I want whenever I want without having to ask (or tell!) anyone.

Johnie – PSU: Knowing I’m in this safe place between high school and the real world…no worries!

Cristina – Michigan State University: Coming back from parties at 4:30am and not getting bitched at.

S.E. Fordham: Being able to go to bars a couple times a week and no one thinks anything of it. After college this is called being an alcoholic.

Carly – Grinnell: The chance to be with friends whenever and wherever. It’s easy to take that for granted until you graduate and suddenly everyone you know is scattered all over the globe.

Liza – Grove City College: Living with all of your best friends!  You never really get to have everyone you like living in the same building after college…

What’s your fave?

The mustard belt will remain on U.S. soil for another year.

Amy Winehouse seems to be mastering the art of multi-tasking

Ashley Dupre attemps to “drop negativity from her life.” Quite a large task, no?

Doin’ it doggy style? You could be breaking the law.

Fad Diets: First the Cookie Diet, now a McDonalds Diet?!

Venus Williams: the favorite child

5. A lost wallet and/or clutch. This is particularly disturbing because it is usually the first thing that hits you in the morning, well before you’ve had any time to nurse the hangover you earned. It feels very similar to being on a deserted island that smells strongly of vodka and lime. You are cell-less, cutting off contact with the outside world. With credit card whereabouts unknown and no proof of identity, you are left defenseless against fraud. If you are underage, there is the heavy burden of finding a new fake i.d. The brand new lip gloss and powder from MAC that you inevitably JUST bought are gone forever. Worst of all, your dear, loyal, and perfectly fashionable clutch will never be wedged into your armpit for pictures or table dancing ever again. R.I.P. Limited edition Coach Python and Boucle clutch. You will be missed.

4. The guy you went home with. Okay, last night this guy was h-o-t! He was witty and charming and so attentive to your needs; not once did he let you have an empty glass! Whether you met him at the pre-party, the bar, or on the way home (never a good sign), this dude – who seemed like a great idea at the time – is now nothing more than a big (or worse, tiny) mistake. Often, this error in judgment will use trickery and promises of rides on his family’s yacht to get you home with him, but come morning all he can offer is a ride home…if you’re lucky. High-tail it out of there and head to the nearest health clinic to make sure all he has given you is a bad memory.

3. Bar-Dancing Induced Injury. An injury caused in part by your favorite jam is highly unsettling; it feels like betrayal. Unfortunately, though, being hammered enough to hop on the bar and shake your shiz with the shot girls is begging for disaster. One minute you’re on top of the world (bartop) doing the drunk girl dance; the next, you are falling in slow motion into a sea of A/X clad gentlemen. While that group of guys was immobile for the last 5 minutes trying to look up your skirt, they have swiftly parted, allowing you to fall directly onto the floor. So much for chivalry. The only up-side to this drunk-tastrophe is when the bar staff take pity on you and set you with straight shots of Ketel One.

(Note: This mishap will always occur a day or two before a major event (like graduation) where you will then be forced to explain your injury to your grandparents.)

2. Hitchhiking. Only the biggest and baddest of theme parties (and the most alcoholic hunch punch) can inspire such stupidity. The problem with being both extremely intoxicated and too impatient to wait for a cab is that it often results in severe underestimation of distances, which can lead to the (incorrect) assumption that everywhere is within walking distance. While you saw nothing wrong with stumbling down a busy street’s sidewalk dressed in lingerie, angel wings and 4 inch pumps on a 38 degree evening, a kindhearted stranger did. He rolled down his window and had you at “Um, are you okay? Can I take you somewhere?” After hopping out of his car and wastedly thanking him (and God for letting you make it out alive), he sped off into the night with your angel wings.

1. Getting Arrested. While it seemed completely appropriate to hit on the hot young cop outside of the bar last night, this morning all that attraction has turned to regret. Despite his insistence that he was working, and that you should probably run along to the nearest Taco Bell and head home, you couldn’t resist to ask “Why, is there a plobrem occifer?” Cue his disgruntled and older partner to walk over, demand I.D. and arrests you for being drunk in public. Those hilarious comments about “ASS-aulting an officer” and your demands to have “Officer McChiseled-Abs” cuff you instead probably didn’t help your case, either. Use your one phone call wisely, because if you call your still-groggy girlfriends in the morning, they will most likely be laughing to0 hard to take you seriously.

Our trip to Italy began as most do: pleasantly, in romantic Rome. We had been dating for nearly a year and, for two months leading up to the trip, he quit drinking and limited his smoking! I was feeling optimistic. We spent the day walking to all the major sites in Rome except for the Sistine Chapel, which we agreed would be a nice culmination of our travels and saved for the end of our trip.

Reason #1: A Peroni in Florence

Walking along the main promenade our first evening in fiery “Firenze,” he was hungry and stopped by a pizza joint, ordering pizza and a Peroni. “I can’t travel in Italy and not drink at least one Peroni,” he insisted. He was hungover the next morning, and we were an hour late to our reserved date at the Uffizi.

Reason #2: A Moretti in Venice

We arrived in the maze that is Venice by train. Claiming he was hot and in need of a refreshment, he ordered a Moretti at a nearby café. Then, upon arriving at our hotel, he continued to drink at the nearby bar while I showered. Four beers later and much to my embarrassment, he jumped off a bridge into the contaminated channel. A passing resident scolded him and a fight nearly ensued. For the remainder of our stay, he was on a quest to find the highest bridge from which to jump. Due to a “mysterious” ear infection, he ultimately decided against it.

Reason #3: Wrestling Match in Venice

In what became known as “The Wrestling Match that Shook Venice,” a shouting match ensued one evening by the river over who could speak better Spanish. At the climax of this spectacle, I was clinging to a lamppost sideways. He was pulling on my ankles, insisting that we return to the hotel together. After punching his anger out on another lamppost, two nice old ladies asked if I was okay and I frankly replied, “No.”

Reason #4: Peeing in the sink in Bologna

An argument culminated with him walking out, getting wasted, then stumbling back to the hotel and peeing in the sink three times that night. Hungover as usual the next morning, he agreed to sober up. I told him I would leave him if he picked up another drink.

Reason #5: An unwelcome beer in Ancona

The day before my birthday, we were about to board a ship headed for Croatia. After buying the tickets, we purchased some groceries and he insisted that we drink to celebrate my big day. I firmly gave him an ultimatum: “You buy beer and I will leave for Croatia without you.” He opted for the beer; I sold his boat ticket. He bought another ticket and apologized for his flawed judgment.

Reason #6: Fooled in Naples

He purchased a brand new Sony video camera from a guy on the street for 150 Euro. We both knew it was too good to be true. On our ride to Amalfi, he discovered no camera—just a box stuffed with a bag of sand.

Reason #7: Disruption in Positano

A week without alcohol and his mouth was watering. He started drinking, so I changed hotel rooms. When he got back to the hotel and discovered I had disappeared, he pissed off the owner so badly that he was kicked out onto the street. That evening, in a drunken search to find me, he fell down a steep flight of stairs and landed on his chin. The next day, which happened to be a national holiday, was spent having tea and cookies at a nearby café with a marching band, the Mayor of Positano, and six other ambulance drivers, policemen, translators, and counselors.

Reason #8: Visiting Capri’s Blue Grotto alone

I tried a new approach to my travels: shack up at night, but travel solo by day. While he downed shots of tequila at the pier, I visited the Blue Grotto and met a New Jersey cop. I told him of my recent woes, and that I would be going to Sicily. He told me he knew the Chief of Police in Palermo and wrote his name and number in my journal. He told me to call him in case anything would happen on the rest of my trip.

Reason #9: While I was sleeping in Palermo

I fell asleep early and while I was sleeping he decided to drag my belongings into the bathroom and perform a full-on search. Upon finding the name and number in my journal, he tapped me awake and began questioning me. I told him it was none of his business and he proceeded to flush my belongings down the toilet. My camera, iPod, journal, car keys, jewelry—gone. Again, I changed hotel rooms and the next morning was rudely awakened by a swift kick to the hotel door and an angry, psychotic drunk in my face wondering why I wasn’t answering the phone or his knocks at my door.

Reason #10: The Sistine Chapel will have to wait

My passport: the only valuable I had left in possession (other than my life). At this point, I figured, if I want to get out of this in one piece, I should change my flights and leave now. I flew directly home, leaving him high and dry. The Sistine Chapel will have to wait for my next, hopefully drama-free visit.