Woe is Jessica Biel.

The top five greatest American Idol finale moments.

These people should not have children.

Lisa Rinna’s lips aren’t real?!

Kate Hudson is A-Rod’s latest conquest.

5 jobs for easy money.

I am a Cosmo devotee. Have been since I started stealing my mom’s when I was twelve. I am amazed monthly by the hair, the witty captions, and their never ending innovation of synonyms for the word penis. Many of my friends, acquaintances, relatives and sisters swear by Cosmo as their Bible (and for the most part I do too). But there are some times (well…many times) when Cosmo’s take on real world situations is – in a word – whack.

I will still accept their declarations of lip gloss superiority like they were handed down from the divine, but when it comes to their interpretation of all things men (or at least all things greatly generalized and stereotyped), I think I’ll be reading with a grain of salt handy.

And I’ll pass that grain onto you. With every passing month and, in turn, every new “Secret Sex Fantasy Guys Won’t Tell You!” revealed, I will be here to break it all down for you. I will find the truth buried deep between the unsafe sex positions and “things he secretly loves you for,” so you don’t end up with a stiff neck, an angry boyfriend or some seriously embarrassing sexcapades.]

In this March’s “The New Attitude That Drives Men Wild,” Molly Fahner attempts to dissect the fine art of playing hard to get. Oh, you didn’t see that coming from the title? Don’t worry, me either. I like to reflect on the hidden meanings of the cover story articles, because they are so very often not what you think they’ll be (aside from the “596 Sex Tips We Publish Every Month”).

I imagined that Cosmo had discovered a rare personality trait that those girls who’ve consistently been in serious relationships their whole lives possess. Perhaps the Cosmo labs had created a mutated DNA strain that lured smart, funny and successful hotties from miles away. I at least hoped that the article would not use Madonna as an example of who to emulate when browsing for a guy. Read More »

Seems like these days everything in the news is depressing: Chris Brown’s arrest, the crappy economy, thousands of layoffs (GM just cut 10,000 jobs), the Octuplets mom lying about her financial situation, the A-Rod/Steroid scandal, just to name a few. It’s like all you want to do is down an antire Duncan Heinz cake and cry into your pillow.

But it’s not all bad.  The Westminster Kennel Club 2009 Dog Show (AKA: happiness on a leash) is happening right now. OMFG! Puppies! Yay!!

And if puppies don’t brighten your Tuesday (monster!), I don’t know what will. Get your dose of sunshine, rainbows, and doggy faces right here. Read More »

A-Rod and Madonna: just friends?

Europe: The new Ivy League.

Boy George is a FREAK.

Gwen Stefani is just like us! She changes diapers…in public.

Is Neve Campbell coming back?!

Tips for improving your self-control.

E-love is the way to go.

Danger: FACEBOOK VIRUS!!

This made us chuckle.

The economy is, er…um…Go to grad school!

So, I really don’t care about what is going on with crazy cheeks Madonna and her soon-to-be ex husband, Guy Ritchie. But everywhere I turn there is news about these two. Any by “news” I mean “really embarassing stories.”

It seems like every hour either Madonna or Guy are coming out with a vicious and, oftentimes, scarring statement about the other.

Guy Ritchie, obviously hurt by his ex wife’s indescretions with A-Rod, has said that Madonna looks like a “granny on stage,” and that having sex with her was like, “hugging a piece of gristle.”

Madonna fired back by calling him “emotionally retarded,” and claiming Guy was “just after my money.”

Just another typical case of post breakup he said/she said.

It doesn’t matter if you are a celebrity or just a college girl scorned by her cheating boyfriend, breakups always cause the gloves to come off and the truth to come out. Especially the most embarassing and hurtful truths. Anyone who knows me knows all about my ex’s issues (“Yeah, cuz sex for 1.5 minutes is GREAT!”), and after my BFF’s particularly painful breakup, the entire campus knows about her ex’s farting issues during sex. Ew.

Anyways, breakups cause pain and pain causes people to resort to just about anything to make themselves feel better. Like talking sh*t. Which Guy and Madonna have mastered.

So I want to know: what are some of the crazier things that have come out after your big breakups? Leave your responses in the comments section below; we wanna know all the juicy deets.

Madonna’s secret recordings (no, they are not sex tapes!).

Forget the girl with her heart on her sleeve; wear your uterus on your undies?

Some men are really, really desperate.

Katie Perry eats it on national TV.

Now everyone can look like Heidi Klum. Well, sorta.

Joe the Plumber and Joe Six Pack chat it up.

The greatest college pranks…ever.

Columbia gets erotic.

Travis Barker is out of the hospital!

The most delicious iPhone.

Professor trading cards? It’s real!

Maybe Madonna isn’t meant for marriage. Maybe Guy Ritchie got tired of people whispering behind his back that his wife was tougher than him. Maybe he was too English and her accent was too fake. Whatever the case, sources close to couple say that a divorce announcement is immanent, and will most likely be made like…any day now.

“They can’t bear to live with the pretense any longer,” claims “a friend” of the couple to The Sun newspaper. “[Madonna and Guy] can now barely bring themselves to say two words to each other.”

Besides the fact that if a “friend” of mine ever spilled my break-up rumors to a national paper I’d personally make sure they suffered, most of us saw this divorce coming. Sometimes opposites attract, sure, but it seemed pretty clear that Guy Richie just wanted to make Snatch remakes and stay chill while Madonna wanted to work out until she was strong enough to become cyborg-like and finish taking over the world.

I’m sure we’ll hear a song set to a techno beat that details all the tribulations, and see a movie about a sad-sack English bloke who lost his high-powered girl, later on this year.

Aw, such sweet bromance…

Understand the economy with Chris Farley movies

At last, something to do with your ex’s testicles once you cut them off

Celeb camel toe AND mom jeans alert

Disney on Depressants

Howard Stern ties the knot, Mr. Kelly Ripa officiates, celebrities now control the universe

Britney channels the other Madonna

Diddy is afraid of Palin

It’s official, Kate Moss has a golden vajayjay

The sham is almost over…

Dita Von Always Looks Awesome

St. Tyra declaws a catfight

Holly finally realized Hef is old