The trailers of these films look promising, and then the movies crash and burn. Big time. And they become the laughingstock of twelve year old kids everywhere who thought they were being daring by watching that movie that mommy and daddy told them not to.

But, wait. That movie was a joke.

In the spirit of Halloween, my friends and I were recently trying to list the best scary movies of all time, but in doing so, we ended up creating a list of the 5 worst. It seems like those were easier to come up with because usually there’s no argument; they are unanimously bad. These movies don’t send chills down your spine or make you jump when someone comes up behind you. These not-so-scary movies make you laugh. Hard.

In no particular order:

5. IT - I know, I know. Many will argue this movie was actually creepy. It’s Stephen King. It’s about clowns. I mean, everybody is afraid of clowns. Or at least, a good two-thirds of the population. And still it makes my worst movie list because of the 180 turn in the middle of the movie. The first half isn’t bad – it kinda creeped me out a bit – but the second half? It negated the entire first part of the movie. I mean, the first half you have this clown terrorizing these poor defenseless kids. And in the second half, you have this clown terrorizing these poor defenseless adults, including John Ritter. But wait! It isn’t a clown at all! It’s an alien from outer space that looks like a giant spider? And you can kill it with an inhaler used by asthmatics everywhere? Wait, what?

4. The Blair Witch Project – This movie had such promise, and it did manage to frighten some people. (And kudos to them for using a viral campaign before anyone even knew what a viral campaign was.) But come. on. people. The actors were good, but that’s just it: they were actors. It wasn’t real!!

3. Cry Wolf – This movie also had major potential! College students involved in a great game (or at least a game with a great premise). Students start getting picked off and there’s this great mystery and then… it falls. Flat. And hard. By the time the credits started rolling, a guy two rows in front of me stood up and loudly proclaimed “I want my ten dollars back!” That was probably the highlight of the entir night.

2. Freddy Vs. Jason – Ah crossovers. Two villains for the price of one? Hell yes! The great thing about this movie is that by the time it came along, I think people knew that both franchises had gotten a little campy. So the masterminds behind it tried to make it a little campy. And they succeeded. I don’t know if this movie was ever actually supposed to be scary. I mean, one girl in the movie was looking into a nose job and had dreams of having her nose sliced off by Freddy. That is not scary; that is pathetic.

1. Jason X - As long as we’re talking about horror movie legends gone wrong, I thought I’d include this one. This movie is basically Jason past his prime and trying to redeem himself from his battle with Freddy. Oh and it’s in space. Yup, on a ship. Set in the future.

So there you have it. Five great movies that won’t make you jump out of your seat, but are definitely good for a laugh (without actually intending to).

Which ones do you think I missed? Let me know!

(Photo courtesy of _Villains’ via flickr)

Sesame Street is no longer safe for kids.In a hilarious New York Times article, Virginia Heffernan jokes about the very real warning on the DVD for volumes 1 and 2 of Sesame Street: “These early ‘Sesame Street’ episodes are intended for grown-ups, and may not suit the needs of today’s preschool child.”

After subjecting herself and friends to an “all-ages” screening of the 1970’s version of the kids show, Heffernan bemoaned the “damage” the show’s gritty early years caused her psyche.

“The show rolled, and the sweet trauma came flooding back. What they did to us was hard-core. Man, was that scene rough. The masonry on the dingy brownstone at 123 Sesame Street, where the closeted Ernie and Bert shared a dismal basement apartment, was deteriorating. Cookie Monster was on a fast track to diabetes. Oscar’s depression was untreated. Prozacky Elmo didn’t exist.”

Even though I was nothing but a faraway dream in the 70’s, I remember tuning into Sesame Street during my early years, somewhere around 1986. While I’m pretty sure Elmo had been ‘born’ by then, the images my pre-school eyes witnessed were not the saccharin filled pictures that flood PBS today.

Heffernan’s Sesame Street may have been gritty, but mine was terrifying.

First of all, does anyone remember the segments that featured a giant, fang-bearing blue wolf? (if not, check out the horror here) Whenever this wolf came on the screen, my brother and I would scream and run from the living room. I was petrified, and to this day my bro swears he used to have night terrors that revolved around “a big blue snout pushing open [his] closet door”.

Second, the Cookie Monster of my youth was not the put-together guy he is now. That growly voice, those googly eyes that just wouldn’t stop rolling, and an insatiable appetite, combined to make the perfect mixture for nightmares. I mean, if there was a monster living under my bed, I was pretty sure it looked and acted like Cookie Monster—except cookies were replaced with the desire for human flesh.

Thirdly, and most scarringly, was the segment I came to tearfully call “the scary aliens”. To this day, the palpable, body-numbing fear of seeing this segment is still one of the strongest childhood memories I have. Looking back, it makes perfect sense why trippy muppets that were all mouth and no body scared the bejeezus out of me. They flew around, had loud and uncontrolled voices, and stared at things with giant, unfocused eyes. Coked-out monsters who could hover. Frightening.

I don’t tune into Sesame Street anymore (I’ve got more mature things to watch. Like SpongeBob), but considering the “nobody-loses-and-we’re-all-so-special” society we live in today, I’m pretty sure the psychedelic, freaky episodes of my youth have been done away with.

Too bad the memories will never die.

What about you? Did you parents accidentally scare you for life by plunking you in front of good, quality children’s television? Let’s commiserate.