How many times have you been hunched over a toilet bowl/garbage can/bush after a night of drinking, promising God that if he lets you live through the night you will never drink again? Obviously, if it’s more than once, you are a big fat liar. But that’s not the point.

The point is that you went a little too far with the shots and now you are teetering on death. Or so you think.

Imagine a life where you wouldn’t have to have that convo with the big guy upstairs. A life where you knew just how much you could drink and still live to see another day. A life where, sure, you may barf up that Dominos Cheesy Bread you just ate, but at least you wouldn’t fear that regurgitated mess would be the last thing you’d ever see.

Well, it’s here. Just type in your stats and find your RIP limit.

I don’t recommend using this tool for real (especially if, like me, it says you can drink 17 shots of vodka and continue breathing…and you’re usually barfing after 6), but it is a fun game to play. How many mimosas can you have before a football game? Can you truly survive a Century Club? Can you really keep up with your boyf?

Find out and share your results here. I’d like to find other girl who can pound 28 Amstel Lights and still make it to class the next day. And make her my BFF.

Or, I don’t know…knowing he has a girlfriend?

I found myself in that precarious situation this past weekend. I was hangin’ out when I was approached by a fine specimen of a man. He was tall, dressed really well and his smile made me melt. We totally hit it off and soon found ourselves making out in the bar like we were Freshmen at a frat party.

He invited me back to his place and, eagerly, I obliged.

When we arrived back at his place – which was a far cab ride from my own abode – he went to the kitchen to get some much needed water and I started to look around. And I began to notice a recurring theme: cute kissy photos of him and a very adorable looking girl. Tons of them. Everywhere.

Clearly, this boy had a girlfriend.

He came back out of the kitchen, pushed me against a wall and began grabbing at my dress. I didn’t know what to do. I mean – he had a freaking GIRLFRIEND. What if that was me? What if my boyfriend was out picking up girls? But at the same time, he hit on me. He pursued me. This was his choice, not mine.

And he was such a good kisser.

In my drunken haste I rationalized with myself: my dress was already halfway down around my legs, so there was nothing I could do now. I was way too far away from home to walk. And not knowing the girlfriend made it all OK. This was the boy’s choice, so how could any of this be my fault?

Now that the Amstel Light has left my system, though, I am not quite sure how I feel. I fear the evil wrath of Karma coming back to haunt me and a sleazy cheating boyfriend in my future. I fear that there is no hope for monogamy. And I feel incredibly guilty for waking up in some other girl’s spot the next morning.

I know that this guy is old enough to make his own mistakes, but being the guilt ridden Jewish girl that I am I can’t stop wondering if stopping this sex train was my responsibility. Should I have walked away?

[See what our friends at Lemondrop think!]

March 21st – the day my mother pushed me out of her womb

October 15th – National Grouch Day

Whereas I am always shunned, yelled at and abused for being a “royal bitch,” today I, and others like me, am celebrated for my general moodiness. I am finally vindicated for my annoyance at my roommates leaving their sh*t all over the house, for those mother-effers who can’t figure out what a turn signal is, and for the jerks down the street who keep playing that same damn Lil Wayne song over and over and over.

I don’t have to be ashamed for yelling at the Subway dude who put mayo on my 6 inch turkey on whole wheat with “absolutely no sauces, spices or mayo,” or for pushing the bitch at the bar who cut me in line and then got the last Amstel Light.

No. Today is my day. MINE. A day for me to be who I am and for those around me to celebrate it by leaving me the eff alone. Do not hug me, sing to me, or send me a card; all I want on this day is acceptance of my grouchiness.

And maybe for you people to clean up the damn kitchen. Is that too much to ask?!

Fortunately, for all you weight watchers out there, there are some simple and tasty low-cal cocktails that everyone can love without fearing the love handles.

Cherry Pom-arita — A measly 105 calories!

Ingredients:

1.5 oz. tequila

4 oz. Diet 7UP (or another diet lemon-lime soda)

1 tbsp. fresh lime juice

1/2 packet Crystal Light On The Go Immunity Cherry Pomegranate drink mix

ice cubes (for serving)

Directions:

Place tequila, soda and lime juice in a glass. Empty half of the flavor packet into glass, and stir well to combine. Pour over ice and enjoy! (Note: If you don’t like the Pom flavor, try any Crystal Light powder. They are all super delicious.)

Razzle-Tini — 75 Calories

Ingredients:

4 oz. 7-Up Plus Soda

1 oz. Sugar Free Raspberry Torani Syrup

1 oz. vodka

Directions:

Shake with ice. Pour into cute martini glass. Down it.

Or simply go with an old favorite:

The Mojito — Only 132 calories!

Ingredients:

1.5 oz. rum

1/2 oz. lime juice

2 tsp. sugar (you can cut even more calories by using Splenda!)

Crushed mint

Ice

Directions:

Mash the mint, add the rum, lime juice and sugar, shake and pour over ice. Mmmm mmm.

If all else fails, there is always Bacardi and Diet (90 calories) or light beer (Amstel Light only has 90 calories!). Or, take some shots. Only 120 calories each.

Happy drinking!

(Thanks to hungrygirl.com for the delicious recipes!)