Americans are well known for their affection for, and addiction to, theme parks.  We have Disney Land, Disney World, Lego Land, Sea World, and a plethora of other immensely entertaining places.  What we don’t have is a theme park about sex.  Guess who else doesn’t have one?  China.

While that may sound like a no-brainer, China was recently set to open a theme park called Love Land.  It was meant to promote open sexual discussion in a society where tradition and conservatism still reign with an iron fist.  The park was to feature huge reproductions of male and female genitalia, how-to workshops and other fun activities and displays.  However, all of that was razed today after a weekend inspection by government officials deemed the park vulgar and sensational.  Well, duh, but how awesome is that?

The question is: where’s ours?  Don’t we as Americans, especially young and virile Americans, deserve a theme park dedicated to our favorite pastime?  Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Mickey Mouse and friends, but I would much rather spend a hot summer day sweating it up on sex toys and whatnot than random cartoon characters (because that’s just creepy).

Just think of all the possibilities: roller coasters based on the Kama Sutra (“It’s a wild ride!”), water slides that really get you wet (tee hee), and a nightly fireworks display that heats things up.

Now that China has put its foot down and stomped out the sexy times, is an erotic theme park fated to be only a delicious pipe dream for those long summer days?  For those lucky enough to be in the general area of South Korea, the answer is no!  Love Land actually exists on Jeju Island and visitors can experience many of the same exhibitions and activities that were set to open in China: giant statues of genitalia, how-to masturbation and sex position exhibits, and lots of yummy works of erotic art.

Masturbation? Art? Penis? Sex? Hot Asian men? How much is a plane ticket to South Korea again? Oh yeah….  Well, until the day comes where I can get a flight to South Korea for less than the price of an entire semester, I’ll have to settle for the American Love Land.

As in, the Love Land that exists in all of our bedrooms and can’t be torn down. Take that, China!

Here are the ten worst summer jobs… which might just make bankruptcy look like the better option.

1.  Amusement Park Attendant
You make minimum wage to stand in the blazing heat all summer, get lobster-red sunburns, and keep little kids in check as they anxiously await their turn on the water slide you’d sell your soul to go down.  You deal with cranky parents demanding that you speed up the line (which you can’t, for everyone’s safety), and clean up puke when the little brats get sick off of the giant ice cream cone they inhaled right before getting in your line.  Oh, and you have to wear a doofy polo with the theme park’s logo.  PASS.

2.  Landscaping and Construction.
These jobs are grueling no matter what time of year.  But when it’s 90 degrees and there’s no shade in sight, you can really do some damage to your body.  Sure, it pays well, but you’re going to constantly battle UV rays, dehydration, and straight up muscle exhaustion.  If you’ve been relatively inactive sitting at your desk and studying all summer, taking on such a physically exhausting job will be brutal.

3.  Flyering.
I wouldn’t include this if I hadn’t done it before, since most of you probably have no clue what “flyering” is.  One summer, I took a one-day job hanging 1,000 door hangers advertising a new ice cream shop on residential doorknobs.  It paid $250 for the day, so I thought it would be cool.  However, that day was spent walking around on concrete for 9 hours (even in sneakers this gets painful), and being paranoid that residents would come out with a shotgun after I left shit on their doorknobs.  Oh, I tried to wear sunscreen, but missed two strips of skin and wore a racer-back tank top.  My sunburns left scars, which look like wings on my back.  No lie.

4.  Flyering- Part 2.
If you live in a big city, there are plenty of companies looking for promoters to hand out fliers advertising their product.  Again, one of the sh*ttier jobs I’ve done in my life.  You stand for hours in the blazing heat, trying to give people a deal… and they get MAD at you for it.  They could just walk away and say “No thank you,” but these people feel like you’re targeting them.  As a flyer-er, I’ve seen everything from people saying the product I’m promoting sucks (not my problem, just trying to make a deal), to strangers thinking that my handing them a piece of paper means they should immediately tell me their life story.

5.  Ice Cream Scooper.
One of two things will inevitably happen.  One – you build huge forearm muscles scooping ice cream for obnoxious tourists in plaid shorts and fanny packs.  It’s crazy hot and the ice cream melts down your arms, so you retreat in a sticky mess every night.  Plus, you can’t even eat any of the goods.  Two – you CAN eat as much ice cream as you like, but you’re sedentary for the whole summer and can’t fit into your bathing suit two weeks after starting the gig.  Oh, and after a shower, you have SPRINKLES clogging the drain.

6.  Theme Park Mascot.
We’ve all heard the Disney horror stories, right? About the theme park characters who aren’t allowed to take their “heads” off, even if they get so overheated they puke on themselves? Need I say more…

7.  Any office work that is totally unrelated to your future career plan.
Let’s face it: you need the money so you do secretarial work all summer and miss all of the beautiful summer pool parties and beach outings, yet get no career experience out of it.  Settling for a desk job simply blows.

8.  Babysitting.
Like the office gig, you’re going to miss out on a lot of fun outings this summer.  Babysitting as a part-time job isn’t so bad, but if you’ve somehow committed to wrangling the neighborhood brats every day for the summer, when you say “NO” to your BFF’s beach party road trip, it will feel like a dagger through the heart.

9.  Housekeeping.
You live in a summer tourist mecca where jobs just sprout over the summer.  EVERYONE’S taking their holiday there, and the restaurant and hotel jobs are flourishing.  Yet, you get stuck as a housekeeper.  Remember that scene from Blue Crush when the surfer girl freaks out over cleaning some drunk football player’s shit out of the bathroom? Yeah, picture that before you agree to be a housekeeper.

10.  Lifeguarding at a Senior’s Center.
You’re not going to have the opp to do mouth-to-mouth on anyone remotely attractive.  And you’re going to get depressed about the inevitable future when you see the wrinkled doing “water sports” in the pool each day.  Yeah… need I even explain that one?

Hey, CC’ers, what jobs are you looking forward to (or NOT looking forward to) this summer? And what are the gigs you passed up on because all the money in the world couldn’t persuade you to punch in every day for three months?

Since I’m already iffy about the whole thing, it’s not like I need another reason to be freaked out by these fear contraptions. But this story is freaky enough to possibly keep even the roller-coaster obsessed away for a little while.

Yesterday, a 17-year-old South Carolina boy was decapitated by the “Batman the Ride” coaster at Six Flags Over Georgia. Apparently, he and a friend jumped two fences and sped past multiple “Do Not Enter” signs in an attempt to get on the ride, and when the coaster came speeding by, 17-year-old Asia Leeshawn Ferguson was struck.

The article goes on to say that this is not the first time “Batman the Ride” has offed someone. Six years ago, a Six Flags park worker died when he was struck in the head by a girl in the first car of the coaster.

Now, should you be afraid of imminent death every time you get in line for that newest, upside down corkscrew roller coaster? Probably not. But should all my friends stop laughing at my reluctance to get on one of them? Yes. Safety first, people. Safety first.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a bike helmet to put on before going to the grocery store.