Remember that line Charlotte said in an episode of Sex and the City?

“I’ve been dating since I was 15! I’m exhausted! Where is he?”

Yeah. That’s pretty much where I’m at right now. I mean, really, between meeting guys who beer bong in the wrong places and giving my number to rather questionable dudes…seriously! WHERE IS HE?!

I’ve got the “learn to be by yourself and love yourself” BS down pat… I’m ready for my prince charming g-dammit!

Then I had a revelation mid-fatburn program on the elliptical: Women have a come a long way and nowadays, we’re practically equal to men. So why should I just sit back and wait for prince charming to come up in his white horse…or BMW? I should get out there, strut my stuff, and find Prince-Effing-Charming myself!

Can I get an ‘Amen’?!

It’s time to get tough with men; no more games, fellas. I’m here for the real deal. I’ve got to be aggressive…be be aggressive!

Then I came back down to earth, and off the endorphins, and  I realized that might not be the best approach for me. I don’t do aggression to well. I need to have a serious sit-down with this guy – he seems to know more things about dating than I do.

I mean, if Heidi Montag can get hitched…then there has to be hope for the rest of us!

Ever have one of those nights where you just really wanted to get drunk (we’re not judging!) but no matter what you throw down the hatch it just won’t happen? You try everything: shots, bongs, mixing your beverages. But even after all that work, you’re still far, far away from making poor decisions.

Yeah, it’s pretty sucky, I know. But no matter how desperate you get, you wouldn’t do something as sick, disturbing and really grosstastic as this, would you?

Who thinks of this sorta stuff?! Sure, I’d like to get drunk without all those pesky calories, but sticking a beer bong up your booty is a bit much, no? Plus, one of the best parts of drinking is the social aspect;  I can’t imagine my friends would want to join me in the bathroom as I shove a (super sized) vodka-soaked tampon in my cooch.

I am incredibly disturbed that people actually think this is a good idea, but even more disturbed by the fact that my mouth has touched many, many beer bongs in my time. Lord only knows where those things have been before.

I need a cocktail.
In my mouth.
Not my lady parts, thankyouverymuch.