I used to be pretty anti-anal. The idea of a foreign object being inserted into my butt held less than zero appeal. I was worried about the pain. I thought it was only for gay men and that most straight women only did it because their boyfriends kept begging for it. But as I became more experienced and open-minded (and started voraciously reading sex blogs), anal started to become more and more intriguing and less intimidating. Anal play is not relegated to small niche subsets of the population – many women actively enjoy anal play for a variety of reasons.

1. Some of us are submissive. We enjoy relinquishing control in the bedroom and being dominated by our partner. Anal sex is generally considered one of the most vulnerable sex acts, and for many women who enjoy exploring their submissive nature, giving access to their rear entry is one of the strongest expressions of their desire to please their partner (though this in no way means that submission means ignoring your own wishes and setting your own boundaries).

2. Some of us crave a lot of spice. We all have default positions we fall back on because they never fail to get us off. But at the same time, sometimes it gets a little stale. Throwing in a scandalous position occasionally breaks up the monotony.

3. Some of us want to explore yet another erogenous zone. Though we don’t have a prostate like guys, the butt is full of nerve endings, and anal play stimulates those in a way that can be incredibly pleasurable.

If you’re interested in trying anal, here are the 5 things I think you should definitely know:

1. Lube is your absolute best friend. It’s almost impossible to have “too much lube” when anal play is on the table. The anus is not elastic, and it doesn’t naturally produce lubrication. You want whatever the thing is – an anal toy, a finger, a dildo, a penis, whatever – to glide in and out with no friction. Silicone based lubes are the most recommended, because they’re longer lasting and don’t get sticky.

2. Start small and start slowly. This may seem like a no-brainer, but seriously. Use a (well-lubed) finger, anal beads, or a small butt plug to get your body used to something entering your exit zone. This will prepare you for something bigger, but it will also ease any anxiety you may have once you become familiar with the sensations on a smaller scale. Make sure your partner goes slow and gradually. This is a sensitive area that is generally not conducive to jackhammering (at least not the first several times).

3. Be mindful of hygiene. Never go immediately from the booty to the vag, as that could lead to extremely unpleasant vaginal infections. If you are being penetrated by a male, absolutely use a condom. Though you can’t get pregnant via anal, you can still contract an STD.

4. Talk through it. Communication is absolutely essential to a good (or, at least, not traumatizing) anal experience. If you are uncomfortable, speak up. If you want to try a different angle, suggest it. If your partner is going too fast/being too aggressive, let them know. If you feel nauseous or physically uncomfortable, you are well within your rights to speak up. Don’t be embarrassed if it turns out you hate it. By keeping the lines of communication open, you can proceed to have an awesome experience you’ll want to repeat, or you can have a not great experience but then go on to try something else that may more to your liking.

5. Relax! Naturally, you’re going to tense up, but breathe and remember that you can stop it whenever you want to. It helps to have an orgasm or be exceptionally aroused before you start, because your body is in a calmer, more welcoming state.

I’m not going to go so far as to say every woman should try anal once in her life. I wouldn’t do it if you’re not enthusiastic about it. If you only do it for the sake of your partner, and you truly have no interest in it at all, it is probably going to suck. Sometimes you just know if you’re not feeling something before you try it, and that’s totally fine. But anal does have a stigma attached to it, and I want to do my part to help destigmatize a perfectly normal, safe and potentially fun sexual adventure.

This is supposed to represent me thinking about sex, K?

Sexual activity is anything but black and white. Hooking up, making out, and fooling around all mean different things to different people; I told my mom when I was about 15 that I had been making out with a boy, and had to spend the following 20 minutes explaining to her that making out was just French kissing. Apparently back in her day “making out” meant having sex — which is certainly different than my innocent round of tonsil hockey.

After that, I figured out pretty quickly that sex isn’t always as easy as doing it or not doing it. Regardless of my ill-humored post about when it actually counts, I have a legitimate question for you lovely readers — what is sex, anyways?

I spend a lot of time writing about sex, and as a mostly-heterosexual ciswoman, when I talk about sex I’m usually referring penis-in-vagina intercourse — but I’ve come to realize lately how cis-centric and heteronormative that is, so I’m now on a quest for an alternative definition.

It’s easy enough to say that sex is intercourse, but what about same-sex couples? Or those that would prefer to avoid vaginal intercourse? Is a person who has had anal sex with a plethora of partners still a virgin? What about oral sex? What is it, exactly, if you’re masturbating together? Surely that can’t be sex, can it?

There is so much grey area when it comes to sex that it’s hard to define what’s what. Perhaps we need to focus on the feelings that come along with the action rather than the action itself — but then what can be said about one night stands?

I don’t have any take-home lesson or awesome list for you this week, just a bunch of honest-to-goodness curiosity and a desire to start a conversation. We need to redefine our idea of sex, and what it is that makes it sex in the first place.

So, folks, let’s get this party started — what is sex? And how do you know?

[He Said/She Said is a new series designed to help all our wonderfully confused readers figure out what he’s really thinking. So every week we’ll be throwing out a topic for debate…and unlike our fave dude, these guys won’t be sugar coating anything for you. But before you jump into their heads (which seriously will make you feel like you need to shower), check out what we think!]

Sex is like ice cream – it’s sweet, it’s sticky and it’s always better with hot fudge and whipped cream. Oh wait, that’s not where I was going with this. Let’s start again..

Sex is like ice cream – everyone’s got a favorite flavor. While some like Cookies ‘n Cream, others like Rum Raisin. And while some people like sex the good old fashioned way, others like to shake things up. Some like background music, others like a little dirty talkin‘. Some girls like a guy who is soft and sensual, while other girls crave hot, tie-me-up-and-take-control passion.

But no matter what we like, whether it’s lying there and enjoying the show or hopping on top for some Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, there are some things guys can do that just don’t fly between the sheets. Or on the desk. Or in the bathroom stall. Or….you get the point:

The Jackhammer (also known as: The Rabbit): Come on, dude. This is sex, not road repair. Whoever thinks pounding a girl’s sensitive lady bits like he’s a jackhammer and she’s a 12-inch-thick piece of concrete should have his penis removed. If I wanted my vagina to hurt for 3 days, I’d take a Spin Class….at least then I’d burn some calories.

Porn Lingo: Dirty talk is one thing; who doesn’t want to hear how hot they are or how much the guy wants to sleep with them? Porn talk is quite another. Nothing makes a girl cringe faster than the words “pussy” and “moist,” and if you want this to end well (read: not with blue balls), you’ll steer clear of that kind of chatter.

Pelvic Exams: It’s no secret that we ladies need a little more attention to our nether regions in order to reach our blissful happy place. (Sidenote: To some guys, this IS a secret that no one’s told them.) I’m all about a little manual stimulation, but I want it to feel good, not like my yearly exam with Dr. Kaplan. That means a soft touch, fingertips only, not going elbow deep to the point that I can feel your hands in my throat. You do know where the clitoris is, right?

Sneak Attacks: Oh really, you think I’m not gonna notice you try to enter through the exit?

Too Many Questions: With all the things a guy can do wrong, it’s a welcome change when he takes interest in what we want. Of course, asking so many questions that we need to pull out a Power Point Presentation and a laser pointer to get things movin’ is a bit of a mood killer. I want to sleep with a guy who’s good at what he does, not a guy who needs GPS directions to my happy place. If we’re doing more talking than doing, I’d rather just do it all myself.

Forceful Direction: Guys like blow jobs. They like them in the morning, in the car, in the shower, in the house with a mouse… We get it, k? We don’t need you pushing down on our heads to send the message. If I want to give you one, I will. Shoving my head down south and messing up my ‘do is not going to increase your chances, bud.

What makes a guy want to go at it alone (well, besides everything)? Let’s see what He has to say.

Oh, and if you’ve got anything to add to the Do Not Do list, sound off below!

As I’m sure I’ve mentioned before, I used to spend nights watching Talk Sex (which was called The Sunday Night Sex Show here in Canada) on the TV in my room with the headphones plugged in. I learned so much from watching this awesome old lady talk frankly and honestly about sex that I often found myself correcting my health teachers on the intricacies of sex ed.

For those of you who don’t know much about her, I highly recommend visiting her site or YouTubing some of her videos. From the “parental advisory” page on her website:

It is our belief that all human beings have a right to honest answers about their reproductive systems, the same way that they have access to information about respiratory systems or any anatomical function. As far as we’re concerned, the more information that one has, the better one is equipped to protect oneself from physical and emotional harm.

She is obviously a woman who has my heart.

During her stop at Sheridan, she covered a variety of topics, focusing mostly on the basic ins-and-outs of sex education — the things they didn’t teach us in school. And here are three things I took away from my evening with Sue:

Nice girls DO do that.
According to Sue, five minutes after a baby boy is born, he discovers he has a penis. Five minutes later, he finds out it feels good to touch it. Little girls, on the other hand, don’t have the advantage of being able to see their genitals just by looking down, and for many young women, the first time they explore their vulvas is during their first attempt at using a tampon.

We’re told our genitals are gross; from being told that “nice girls don’t do that” to seeing commercials about feminine hygiene products, it’s not the easiest thing for girls to love their bodies. After all, how many of us got the chance to see a full-frontal picture of female genitalia in sex-ed? Or learned about female orgasms? Many of us aren’t even taught the language to use when describing our own genitals (pro tip: the outside is called the “vulva,” the vagina is only the “tunnel.”) It’s all very mysterious, but that doesn’t mean female masturbation or exploration doesn’t (or shouldn’t) happen — just take a look at the popularity of sex toys.

Anal sex is scary.
During the question and answer period, there were a lot of questions about “bum sex,” as Sue called it, and according to the expert, it’s some seriously risky behavior. During her days as a sex educator, Sue got a visit from a girl who was having a bit of a problem — some “weird bumps on her bum hole.” If that’s not bad enough, Sue went on to describe those “weird bumps” as a cauliflower-like growth of genital warts that were so bad, they had to be surgically removed.

Moral of the story: don’t even think about having unprotected anal sex. Yikes.

Everyone should know how to put a condom on with their mouth.
The trick, Sue explained, was taught to her by prostitutes on the streets of Toronto as a way of sneakily putting a condom on their customer without him knowing. While it might not be a trick one needs to know for the same reasons, it’s still a good trick to have up your sleeve. Sadly, she didn’t want us taking pictures or videos of her demonstration on Tuesday, BUT, thank God for YouTube. You’re welcome.

Feeling frisky? Get more Sexy Time right here.

For proper Spring Break travel etiquette, I highly suggest not dragging along an issue of Maxim.  Take my word for it; trying to flip through pages of half naked sex-pots while sitting next to the cute family on their first trip to Disney Land does not constitute for a comfortable situation.  Regardless, I’ve always loved the articles in Maxim.  It is like peeking into the man-brain in magazine form. Absolutely genius… or absolutely full of half-naked girls licking the bottoms of their shoes.

Ever since me and my girlfriends dubbed Maxim the essential road-trip material of choice, I haven’t been able to resist an issue here and there. And this month’s issue did not fail in the ‘getting into the male’s brain’ department.

After flipping quickly through all of the racy spreads of Maxim babes while withholding my own personal commentary about their swimsuits and lingerie of choice, I landed on some interesting material.  I giggled at an article honoring the 25th anniversary of the first space shuttle launch, in which Maxim listed Nasa-patented technology that makes women ‘hotter than the sun.’ The list included how hair, cleavage, teeth, skin, and scent have all been influenced by the orbit to make chicks even hotter.  So I can thank Pluto for my assets? Awesome.

Maxim also gifted us with an interview from Ke$ha (why does it bother me that I have insert the dollar sign in her name), featuring her craziest moments, which included: vomiting in Paris Hilton’s closet, robbing David Spade, breaking into Prince’s house, and (almost) getting attacked by a barracuda. And I still don’t know why I have to use a dollar sign in her name.

And finally, the big kahuna: The Dirty Truth 2010 Survey: Where 4,000 Women Tell All. I couldn’t wait to read it and see the secrets we ladies were passing on to our male counterparts. To close the communication gap and finally have all our answers out on the table. Instead I scratched my head and wondered who the hell these 4,000 women were they found to take the survey. Let’s take a look.

Maxim Says: 4.2 % say, “I don’t think about sex everyday.”
Brittany Says: I get it, maybe women aren’t as apt as men to think about sex every five minutes.  But the 4.2% in this category are clearly out for lunch. I’m not saying you have to think about sex every waking hour, or the minute you peal your banana for breakfast, but who are these people taking this survey? Nuns?

Maxim Says: 3.2% say they have had zero sexual partners.
Brittany Says: And there’s our answer.

Maxim Says: 58.3% say great oral sex would be the gift they would be most excited to receive; 24.2% designer high heels; 17.5% a puppy.
Brittany Says: What are we teaching our men out there, people? The women taking this survey mean to tell me they would rather have one romp in bed with a dude over a puppy? I can only imagine how bad their partners have been at going downtown.

Maxim Says: 10.1% say, 11+ inches is too big (for down under). 9.0% say, “there is no such thing.”
Brittany Says: Did anyone listen in grade school? That is progressing to be bigger than the length of a ruler. Of course that is too big, people! Do you really need a guy who can give it to you from the next room!?

Maxim Says: 56.4% say, ‘A criminal record’ would be information that would make you refuse to go out with him. 53.3% say, ‘Pictures of him douching out at a club – Jersey Shore style.’
Brittany Says: Dancing like The Situation in a club is criminal. Oh, and nearly 50% of participants have no problem dating someone with a record? Way to have standards, ladies.

Maxim Says: 81% do not want to attempt anal sex without asking.
Brittany Says: The other 19% have obviously never experienced the sneak attack. Once they do, they’ll be singing a different tune.

The mind of a man is one of life’s greatest mysteries. And the weird obsessions of those men… well, I’ll just never understand:

Fantasy Sports: I’ve never seen more passion in a man’s eyes as when he is watching his fantasy football team take the lead. Perhaps it makes watching football more fun, but does it really get any better than drinking beers, eating junk food and reclining in a La-Z-Boy for an entire day? One time I joined a celebrity fantasy league in hopes to understand the obsession. But even I, the celeb stalker and supporter of all things muscle-y that I am, found it to be just mundane.

Strippers: I’ll admit I’ve been to a strip club once or twice in my life, and I just don’t get the appeal. Other than the totally awesome acrobatics, which only ever occur at the truly classy establishments, it’s just nudity. Rubbing up against you. In public. That you can’t touch. What’s the point?

And while we’re on the subject, what’s the fascination with fake boobs? Have you ever touched a pair? Did you like the cement feel underneath your fingertips? Gross.

The Ability to Grow Facial Hair: I never know the appropriate response to give when a guy tells me that it only took him one week to grow the mess of a beard he is shamelessly walking around town with. High-five? Just because you can grow one doesn’t mean you should go out looking like Chewbacca. I wish men would obsess over being well-groomed instead of growing a large patch of hair above their lip.

Anal Sex: Let’s cut the crap, here. Seriously. Because the minute you get pooped on, you’re not going to obsess over spelunking in that region ever again.  Why put yourself through that? The fantasy is better than the reality, so can we just leave it at that?

Lesbians: They aren’t interested in you. You will never be invited to join in a threesome. And unless you secretly have a vagina, you don’t stand a chance.

Every month Cosmopolitan challenges me with article titles such as: “Sex Positions You’ve Never Tried!” Not believing them, combined with my love of a challenge, I took a gander at the list of positions they’d laid out for me. I’d been looking for a little more adventure in my life and I’ve always been all about trying everything once.

Until now.

Based on the names alone, I had no problem saying, “You’re right, Cosmo, I never have tried the Erotic Accordion… and I never want to.” Yes, I actually spoke out loud to my monthly magazine.

Here are a list of some Cosmo-recommended sex positions that sound less than pleasurable. Try them if you dare. I will not:

Erotic Accordion: If I want to have a sex positions named after an instrument, I’d be more inclined to test out the Carnal Clarinet or any other wind instrument for that matter. What’s sexy about an accordion? There’s just something about folding and unfolding my body just doesn’t sound appealing. And imagining the old, mustachioed men who usually play accordions doesn’t really add much to my fantasies either.

The Linguini: I’m sorry to have to bring this up, but doesn’t this immediately make you think of the word “flaccid.” Limp noodle sex? I’ll pass.

Passion Propeller: I have visions of propelling myself like a helicopter blade. I also have a vision of propelling myself right into the wall. I’m not ready to take flight just yet.

Standing Tiger/Crouching Dragon: Don’t you mean Crouching Tiger/Hidden Penis? Sexuality and violence may be an aphrodisiac for some, but personally, I like to keep marital arts out of the bedroom.

Arc de Triomph: I haven’t had much time for yoga lately, so folding myself into this position (which I’m pretty sure I can’t even pronounce) would not be sexy. Unless you consider spontaneous leg spasms a turn-on.

The Erotic End: Is this just sweet talk for anal? You can put it anyway you want, but you can’t put it there.

Well, I found him. And I tried it.

Any guide to anal sex (like this one) tells you to start small (i.e. with a finger) and be generous with the lubrication. So we did, and it didn’t hurt like I expected, but it was a really strange feeling, kind of like the feeling you get when you have to go to the bathroom but can’t find a toilet (not that girls poop, of coarse!).  Since the finger didn’t hurt, we decided to move on to the real thing. The real thing, however, did hurt (like HELL), and we barely got anywhere before I called an end to it.

The experience confirmed what I’ve always suspected: anal sex is something boys enjoy much more than girls. I can’t speak for all girls (one of my best friends claims she can orgasm from it), but I just don’t see how it would be pleasurable. Not that I’m swearing off anal forever, but I definitely think I need a lot more prep-time (both physically and mentally) before attempting to go all the way again. I’m sure some day it’s something I’ll be able to tolerate, but can’t expect to ever enjoy it, at least not the way I enjoy sex. I would enjoy the fact that I’m making the man I love happy, but I highly doubt there will ever be an orgasm in it for me.

This doesn’t mean I would ever discourage anyone from trying it. After all, how do you know if you like something before you try it for yourself? Everyone has different preferences, and some women may really enjoy anal, at least this article on AskMen.com claims they do. They say: Women love anal sex because it can feel absolutely incredible. It’s different in sensation and it doesn’t feel like anything else she may have felt before — it’s deep inside, it’s not her clitoris and is not in her vagina, but feels strangely like both in a sort of mixed-up combination in another part of her body.

Now, I’m not fully convinced the guys at AskMen aren’t pushing an agenda of their own (“Come on honey, this article says you’ll love it!”), but hey, if there is a possibility anal sex could feel like they’re describing, maybe it is worth pushing past the initial discomfort to find out.

Even you don’t orgasm from it, I’m sure it’ll make your partner happy. Guys’ obsession with anal seems to keep growing. It provides a different, tighter sensation and has the lure of a forbidden fruit – how can you expect them not to want to try it? So, as long as it’s not painful for you, why not give it a go once or twice for your man’s sake? Maybe you’ll get something special in return…

Have you ever had anal sex? What was your experience like?

I’m just gonna say it, I’m good in bed. I might be a little arrogant about it, but a big part of good sex is confidence, so I think it’s OK to be a bit smug. A lot of girls are insecure about their performance in the bedroom, but there’s really no reason to be. Being good in bed is much simpler then you think. Here are some tips from an expert:

Enjoy Yourself. If it’s good for you, it’ll be good for your partner. Knowing what you like and how to ask for it takes the stress of figuring it out off your partner so you’re both free to relax and enjoy. Don’t know what you like? Start masturbating.

Try New Things. It’s always good to break the routine. Trying new positions, places, toys, etc. might help you both discover a new favorite.

Be Dirty. Don’t hold back and don’t worry about your manners.

Bring Another Girl Along. Okay, this one was a suggestion from my boyfriend. While I’m sure it wouldn’t hurt, it’s not necessary. Just keeping an open mind about any and all things sexual is a good way to have great sex. You don’t have to actually partake in any of them, but talking about fetishes and fantasies can be really awesome foreplay.

Make Noise. Dirty-talk or moaning provide the positive reinforcement everyone needs.

Use More Than One Hole. Front door, back door, mouth, nose, hands, feet, etc…

Love Sex. Be enthusiastic, don’t be afraid to initiate, and don’t be afraid to take control.

Swallow. The semen is in your mouth longer if you’re busy looking for somewhere to spit it out anyways.

Get To Know Your Partner. Everyone has different preferences, so take the time to learn the special things that drive your partner crazy. Don’t be afraid to ask, but if they can’t name any, make it a mission to discover them together.

Do you have any other tips on how to be good in bed?

Instead of turning to sweets (bad for the weight) or vibrators (bad when you’re in an office), I did a little online research. On sex. Here are some tres interesting tidbits about the most talked about subject in the universe (thanks to breathetheoxygen):

1. According to the Kinsey Institute, the biggest erect penis on record measures 13 inches. The smallest tops off at 1 3/4 inches.

2. The most common fantasy is oral sex.

3. 8% of us have regular anal sex.

4. 60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand.

5. Women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold.

6. In 1609, a doctor named Wecker found a corpse in with two penises. Since then, there have been eighty documented cases of men similarly endowed.

7. Men say the average erect penis is 10″. Women say it’s 4″.

8. A female orgasm is a powerful painkiller (because of the release of endorphins), so headaches are in fact a bad excuse not to have sex.

9. 56% of men have had sex at work.

10. Among the Mangaians of Polynesia, 18-year-old couples make love an average of three times a night, every night, until their thirties, when the weekly average drops to a mere 14.

11. 1 in 3 of us have had an extramarital affair.

12. 62% think there is nothing wrong with affairs.

13. The maximum speed at which erotic sensations travel from skin to brain has been clocked at 156 miles per hour.

14. A honeymooning couple sued Holiday Inn for ten thousand dollars, claiming their sex life is now dysfunction because an employee mistakenly walked in on them on their wedding night.

15. At least 500 Americans die each year from asphyxia in an attempt to lessen oxygen flow to the brain in order to induce a more powerful orgasm.

16. England’s King Edward VII, a man of considerable heft, had a special table built so that he could comfortably engage in sexual intercourse.

17. 29% of us are virgins when we marry.

18. The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes.

19. 58% like dirty talk during sex.

20. 22% rent porno flicks at least once.

21. Given today’s average frequency of sexual intercourse, it would take the typical American couple more than four years to try every one of the 529 positions described in the Kama Sutra.