pass it.

Well my favorite holiday is here. Don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas cookies; I love pumpkin pie; and I also love dressing up like a slutty Dorothy, cat, nurse, (insert random noun here); but there is nothing I love more than the 20th of April.

You may not usually celebrate this joyous occasion – I have actually only had the pleasure of celebrating it once – but one time was all it took to become an ardent supporter. In light of this, I thought I’d bestow some of my favorite stoned activities with you all so you have some options to spend  the best Monday of the year! So pull a Michael Phelps (read: hit the bong) and enjoy any of the following:

Watch Things
This is not only broad but also very obvious. And why is it obvious? Because it’s so much fun! There are so many enjoyable things to watch that are only more enjoyable under the influence. You could go with a funny movie like  Anchorman or Old School, or pop in an epic TV show like Summer Heights High, The Office, or, of course Planet Earth. You could also throw in a hilarious comedian routine -  Jim Gaffigan’s new one, King Baby, was responsible for me nearly peeing myself last week. Or, my personal favorite, just turn on the iTunes visualizer. Trippy!

Eat Stuff
Another very stereotypical example of a fun but often overlooked thing to do while high is eat. To maximize the fun of eating while being high, choose things that have very distinct tastes, flavors or sensations, like green apples and blueberries (cold). If fruit isn’t your thang (because who chooses something healthy when everything sounds so good), you can just build snacks out of your favorite ingredients. My friends and I usually end up with something  (rice cakes) smothered with peanut butter and chocolate chips. Yeah, it sounds weird right now, but get back to me after you take a few hits.

Delving even deeper into the unhealthy department would be Starburst, Skittles, and sherbet, which all happen to be very fun to eat while high. You may worry about getting fat from all the snackity snacking, but don’t be. You’ll burn all those calories laughing at your hand or the funny shapes of the clouds…on the ceiling.

Tune in
I love listening to music in any state, but rocking out while high is definitely one of my favorites. Just last week I was listening to Pink Floyd’s, Dark Side of the Moon, one of few classic rock bands I never fully understood and realized, “Wow, this is why everyone loved this stuff!” It was just so….awesome. Besides classic rock and that awkward genre of music labeled “chill,” electronic music sounds particularly phenomenal when high. Hell, everything will sound new, different and awesome when you are high, so pop in that Paris Hilton CD and rock out.

Go places
Sure, it’s tempting to lay around eating Tostitos when you’re high, but get up and go somewhere!  Even the most mundane activities take on a whole new level of fun when there is some cannabis in your system. Need some ideas? Here are some of my favorite de-stoned-ations: the beach, the woods, a park (or anything cool outdoors), anywhere in the sun, a bowling alley, a jungle gym, a concert, a diner (so much food!), the movies, the zoo, a museum, a long walk, or shopping (though I did end up buying some weird things at Target).

Other
Costumes, shadow puppets, prank phone calls and playing with iChat (if you are lucky enough to have a Mac) are also awesome.

Whatever fun things you plan on doing while you are high, be responsible. I know I am probably not a portrait of responsibility by any means but I have made a lot of mistakes and have learned from them. If you are consuming marijuana, don’t eat too much; it can be a very uncontrollable and terrifying experience. If you are high, don’t drive. Seriously, don’t do it. Not only is it dangerous, but you could really eff up your future if you are caught. Plus, it’s a lot easier to eat a peanut butter smothered rice cake when you’re not clutching a steering wheel. Finally, don’t get a haircut. Just trust me on this one.

Peace out, potheads, and have a great 4/20!

I’m not sure when we became best friends, but it appears you know quite a bit about me. I don’t remember telling you, come to think of it, but it looks like you got the word that I am newly single. I have deduced that you know this because you are running special ads for me, like: “single again?” and “Going through a break-up?”

How kind of you! I was hoping that you, anonymous Facebook ads, would help me fix my love life!

It’s nice that you take note that my tied down friends need no such help from you, but that because my status is “single” I am a candidate for your therapy! Do I need a second chance with my ex? I sure do, Facebook advertisement! At 20 years old I am a miserable spinster! I desperately need your advice on how to win my man back – the man that I got rid of on my own accord – so, please, tell me how! Never mind the fact that you just assumed I was the dumped; I will take your advice anyway. Really? I can just enter my e-mail and you will send me tips? I can watch helpful videos? What ever would I do without you!?

No, I definitely don’t find it creepy that you found this information by reading personal facts about me. You’re only trying to do what’s best for me and, honestly, I should send you a thank-you note! “Unlucky in love?” Gripping headline! Yes, I am so unlucky. All of us single gals are unlucky and cannot possibly be happy. Thank you for helping me recognize that, my darling Facebook ad companion. Thank goodness we have become bffl’s! Who needs real (or kinda real, but really just on FB so I can see their pictures) friends when I have you!?

And while we are on the subject of our blossoming friendship I just want to throw out an additional thank you for taking the time to read all of my interests! I think it’s great that you have read through all my activities, and favorite movies, books and music. It’s super sweet of you to tell me all the things I can buy based on what I love. Yes, I definitely would like to buy some novel writing software just because I like to write. Funny, I did not realize on my own that Ben Folds had a new CD a month ago! And you’re right; I do need a “Sex Panther” tee just because I like the movie Anchorman. You rock!

How can I begin to thank you for stalking my page and telling me what to do with my life? I will definitely buy all your product suggestions, and relationship advice. Quite frankly, you have made me whole again; my heart has been mended with your advertising glue.

Sincrely,

You know who (really, you totally do since you know everything)

Ask any self-respecting woman what she looks for in a man, and likely among her responses is “the ability to make me laugh.” Look no further than Paul Rudd, the thirtysomething hunk from such smash hits as Anchorman and Knocked Up. When I wasn’t peeing my pants in the theaters, I was drooling over ol’ Paulie. Personality AND looks? Check, check.

And it’s clear I’m not alone.

While he may be known best for his blockbuster roles in Judd Apatow films, he’s also been featured in such landmark comedies as Clueless (duh!) and on television’s Friends as Phoebe’s husband (she was always my favorite Friends chick…so jealous she snagged Paul before the rest of us!). As such, Paul’s effability has been shown to stand the test of time. What could be better than that? (Editor’s Note: effing him, that’s what.)

Mr. Rudd’s new film, Role Models (co-starring the also-scrumptious Sean William Scott) opens today and looks to be his most promising role yet, since there’s nothing more effable than a funny boy who also takes time to hang with kids. You can join me in the movie theater while I fan myself and laugh to death. Or you can stay home with The Great Gatsby and and your Paul Rudd fantasies.

Any takers?

What? You don't agree?

You may not have noticed him in Anchorman, or remember him being in The 40 Year Old Virgin, but, come on, you didn't wanna eff him in Knocked Up? Rogan is even starring in "Zack & Miri Make a Porno," which obviously means he is 100% effable.]

I have never told anyone this before, but after I saw Knocked Up with my (now ex) boyfriend, I was totally turned on. Weird, right? I mean, the thought of having a baby totally freaked me out, and seeing that baby come out of Katherine Heigl’s va-jay totally grossed me out, but I couldn’t keep my hands to myself the entire way home.

And then I realized why: I totally wanted to eff Seth Rogan.

He’s not the type of guy you’d drool over at the bar, (in fact he’s more the type of guy that smokes pot in the corner), nor is he the type your mom would necessarily love to have over for dinner. He was the dorky guy in high school who watched as all the taller, hotter dudes (without the Jew-Fro) got all the girls.

But that is why we love him. Well, that and the fact that he is just really effing hilarious.

Rogan is a comedy genius. You saw Superbad, didn’t you? And Da Ali G show? Yeah, he wrote those. Imagine how much more fun sex can be when you got a man this funny by your side (or on top/underneath/behind you). And he’s all cuddly and cute…and looks really hot in those glasses. I’m getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it.

Seriously, give this dude another look; you too will see why he’s a guy we wanna eff.

After a few drinking games and too many shots of tequila it would have taken a bold letter tattoo of “the golden rule” tattooed straight on my FACE in order to obey it. Tequila makes rules exempt and makes best guy friends the perfect lay. Until the next day…

My best friend was like my brother (insert disgusted face here). He knew everything about me, the guys I dated, my bad habits, my snarky attitude and what I looked like with no make up and how red my zits could get. We would stay up late playing poker and card games, or searching for an ice cream place that was open past midnight and if they weren’t he’d stop and buy me my favorite mint chocolate chip at the grocery store. We had inside jokes and I made fun of his blonde girlfriends and he made fun of my skinny emo boyfriends. We were each other’s exact opposite of who we were typically attracted to.

The first time we slept together the sexual tension was palpable. One day we were speaking to each other doing Anchorman impressions and the next day we were — wildly attracted to each other (blame it on the inebriation). We were so attracted, in fact, that we managed to have sex with Ong Bak The Thai Warrior playing on the screen in the background.

…Nothing like kung fu to get you going.

The next morning, I remembered what happened and surprisingly didn’t want to scurry into the bathroom to check for morning breath, or hide. Waking up to my best friend was, oh sh*t, it was nice. He grumbled in his morning voice and I left for work while he slept in, he was comfortable enough to stay without me, in my apartment…because after all, he was my best friend.

A few weeks passed and it was like nothing happened, we continued doing the BFF type things we’d usually do; watching reality tv and ordering pizza…then, we slept together again. And though we were going through the best friend motions, I was going through the beginning stages of developing a major crush A major crush on someone I already knew so well, which I recognized as turning into the potential to want; a relationship.

The night I decided to tell him, I hadn’t thought it through — a losing game of Sevens decided for me. I pulled him outside and immediately started CRYING. Crying?! Why in God’s name was I crying? (I am convinced I was weeping straight liquor from overflow, and it had nothing to do with actual emotions)

“I, (sob) just (sob), like (sob) you, (sob, sniffle, sob, sob) SO MUUUUUUUCCCH (Full out wailing ensues.)“

He didn’t seem shocked. Obviously, since all night long I’d been acting like a bumbling teenage girl, batting my eyelashes and flirting.

“You’re amazing, you know how much I love you (holy hell…I’m about to receive the, ‘we’re better off friends’ line) but….I’m dating someone.”

My bawling was so intense at that point that I couldn’t define the difference between my snot and my tears. I was gushing from all facial orifices. And what did I say…?

“IS SHE BLONDE?!!! (Scream/sob)“

Of course she was.

I needed to excuse myself for a Kleenex. In the bathroom, as I attempted to wipe up mascara and well, snot, I peeked out the window only to see my best friend RUNNING, full speed, Olympic track-star running to his truck, and then peel out of the parking lot.

Oh, hell.

The next day I could barely stomach what happened, I had cried so hard mascara wasn’t just on my face it was on my damn kneecaps. I was the vision of Damsel in Distress: tortured heart, hangover, ratty hair and yesterdays make-up. This had to be undone.

I called and pleaded for him to forgive me for being such a….fool. He didn’t answer I assume out of fear. Sadly it took about eight months for us to get back to where we were; 3 months after the episode we were acquaintances, 6 months later we were “friends”, and thankfully now…we’re back to normal.

So is sleeping with the best guy friend a good idea? I wouldn’t advise it. But thankfully, our relationship was strong enough for it to be salvageable.

Have you ever slept with your best guy friend and what happened??? I know not everyone can be lucky enough to remain friends, but SOME people also manage to make their best guy friend their best boyfriend.

What happened to you?

While it’s not quite as solid as recent college favorites, like Anchorman, Old School, and Wedding Crashers, this movie will have you cracking up and asking, “what the f$#&?” after everything Will Ferrell’s character, Chazz Michael Michaels, says. Most of the time, he makes no sense – but that’s what makes him the funniest character in the movie.

Jon Heder plays the straight man in Jimmy MacElroy, and does a pretty good job. Every so often, Napoleon shines through and leaves you wanting a good, “Tina, eat your ham.” But alas, there is no Tina, and there is no ham. There is only a funny blonde haircut and some sweet reactions to Ferrell’s comments.

The hidden gem in “Blades,” for me, is Nick Swardson. He plays Hector, MacElroy’s crazy-stalker-fan who wears amazing one-piece ski suits from the ’80′s. I love this guy. He’s funny in everything, especially Grandma’s Boy. Another college favorite that slipped under the radar in the box office, it recently became popular to stoners, frat boys and partiers alike, as a rental. Watch it!

So, if you’re looking for a fun date movie or wanna catch a flick with the girls, go see Blades of Glory. Then, when your friends tell you they wanna “get inside your face” or say, “You’re welcome, Stolkholm,” you’ll appreciate the references.