So today’s World Peace Day and while I should be out shaking hands with a Native American or throwing eggs at those airport body scanners, political statements aren’t really my specialty. But wanna know what is? Petty Hollywood feuds and inane celebrity gossip.

That’s right. In honor of this most peaceful of days, there are a few famous foes that I feel need to bury the hatchet.

Click on any feud to get started

We had many, many thoughts going into this episode. Many questions about how the Snooki/Angelina throwdown would go down. Questions on if Tee-Shirt time would make another appearance (it did). Questions if Pauly would, yet again, be a human alarm clock with a crazy Kool-Aid man “OH YEAHHHH!” voice (he was). As the episode started up, we only had one burning question in mind, 25 minutes in:

WHERE IS SNOOKI?

MTV, you threw a lot at us this episode. A lot. So much that I was actually compelled to watch the After Show, wondering how to steal the host’s job. Let’s break this episode down by the major events.

PART I: The Situation Gets Punched by a Girl (again) and Bangs a Canadian, eh?
Angelina socks The Situation in the face and JWoww has a heart-to-heart with her since they can now bond over the common ground about punching Sitch in the face. WTF, Jenni? We miss your ‘roid rage. Situation reiterates that he’s the glue/leader of the shore crew and reminds us all that Angelina sucks. He moves his frustration to the club Karma/Kantra/Krib or whatever it was, and brings along some Canadian girl who’s a real handful in the sack and on the dance floor, fighting women off her man’s abs. Vinny makes some Canadian joke aboot the girl and Nutella and the crew all listens to them scream and moan in the smush room. (Seriously, that ish was loud.)

PART II: DJ Pauly D’s Words of Wisdom
“It’s a guy thing” RE: Angelina bringing home randos. Um, okay. Double standards much, DJ? Whatever, we’re not judging your hyper-organized closet or the fact that you use a hairdryer. Moving past the misogyny, we can’t stay mad at you. We just love your “OH YEAHHHH” and the start up of “Tee Shirt Tiiiiiiiiime.” You may have even trumped Ramona Singer’s “Turtle Time.”

PART III: Angelina in MTV’s “THE DECISION”
If it weren’t blindingly clear Angelina, you are not Lebron and the JShore cast is not Cleveland. They do not give a flying dirty pad if you leave or not. Please stop trying to keep us in suspense and kindly leave. You throw around the word “yous” and scream about everyone being fake; deny being a whore; lie about sleeping with people; claim you have friends and a life (who’s fake now?); leave cheese all over the Escalade; tell Mike to “drop ya ugly face”; and eventually (THANKFULLY) pack your bags, leave them outside for the gang to see (and scream at), and sit on the couch with a miserable look on your already miserable face, playing with your Donald Trump bangs.

ATTENTION ANGELINA: YOU ARE A SOCIOPATH AND RUINED THIS SEASON OF THE SHORE. NOBODY LIKES YOU.

PART IV: Snookin’ For Love
We learn all about what Snooki is looking for in a man other than the exterior of ethnicity (tan) and gender (gorilla). She wants someone who can not only fistpump, but “frolick,” likes to sleep in (as in, in his sunglasses?) and is a dork at heart. She rejects match.com (again). Maybe she should start her own Guidette dating site? She and Jenni vow to find her a man either at the gym, tanning salon or local Ed Hardy store. Instead, she finds someone, at a club, who Angelina had already hooked up with. Which brings us to…

PART V: Snooki vs. Angelina
“In one corner we have Snooki, 4 feet 1 inch, 2 with the poof and in the other we have Angelina weighing in at 322 pounds…” Ron announces the fight and the catfight begins. Embarrassing that Angelina is stone cold sober and Snooki can’t even see straight enough to throw a glass jar of shells at Angelina’s bulbous head. Luckily, The Situation swoops in and moves the coffee table, for fear it may get injured. Watching this fight was actually painful, like watching toddlers scuffle on a playground. Frankly, it was pathetic and didn’t live up to the hype. And we nearly see Snooki’s poopa again and again. Angelina storms out of the house (FINALLY) and advises them all again that they are fake and that The Situation needs to invest in some Botox. Pauly and Vinny dash off to rearrange the feng shui of the bedroom.

Good riddance, Angelina – you will not be missed. I would recap all the highlights of you being in the house, but I just don’t have any. I do, however, have a question:

Who still wears pads?! Oh right, too loosey goosey to hold a tampax.

Until next week, keep that V-Neck fresh and continue keep Sammi off future episodes.

"To family....and marinara from the jar!"

Who can’t help but love the dysfunction of the Jersey Shore? This week, the gang (I feel like we’re opening a summary of Scooby Doo. Come on – Snookie, Scooby… same thing?) deals with some hard-hitting moral dilemmas. Angelina, JWoww and Snookers are all plagued by the memories of Ron getting wild at the club and their desire to inform dear Sammi Sweetheart of her “bf’s” wrongdoings. The boys deal with weeding through grenades and landmines at the gelato shop.

Come on, ladies. You and Ronnie are ON CAMERA. Did we forget this blindingly obvious fact? Eventually Miss Sammi is going to see her precious Ron-Ron hooking up with Miami scram and she will also see you trying to cover up the fact that you know anything. Putting the fact that MTV has cameras in everyone’s faces on the backburner, let’s run down the I.F.F. (I’m F*cked Foundation) governmental structure.

I.F.F. – “I’m F*cked Foundation” Hierarchy

President: Ronnie (AKA: Ron-Ron, Sloppy Joe)
As we all know, from the brilliant game of “bowl questions,” Ronnie is the prez of the I.F.F. and resounding founder. However, the best part of all, Ronnie hasn’t been found out quite yet. Sam’s been tipped off a couple times, when he stood up “snuggle time” to get crazy in a club and maybe the sheisty looks that everyone gives Miss Sweetheart when she presses them for information. (“It’s the spicy mayo.”) Oh and there was that time he called her a c*nt and a b*tch. As if that wasn’t a bigger clue. You’re gonna get yours, Ron-Ron, and found out as the King, founder and high ruler of the IFF.

Don’t test him on that though; he didn’t go to college.

Vice President: Sammi
Oh Sam-a-lam. I have been in your position. You are getting totally screwed over and your “friends” don’t even have the decency to tell you the facts straight up to your face. I should hate you because you seem like a real pain to hang out with and your face is always scrunched up in some nasty sourpuss. You’re that girl that makes all her friends go home when you’re ready to go. You are a b*tch and if I didn’t have the decency, I would call you the c-word too. But, alas, I’m a classy lady. I write the Jersey Shore recaps and I’m not going to stoop that low. Also, because I’ve been in your position. In fact, I think you should be the president of the I.F.F., so maybe when Ronnie gets chewed out and you realize how f*cked over you’ve been, you can move in to his position. But for now, you remain the VP, clueless and out of the loop. Let’s cross our spray-tanned and faux fingernails and pray that the all-caps letter gets you to realize what a douchelord Ron is. Ya gettin’ punked.

Secretary of State: Snooki
Snookers: love of my life holds the position of Secretary of State of the the I.F.F. (and world’s fastest typist- wow!). After dealing with listening to Emilio on the phone, at the club with “half naked girls everywhere” she diplomatically explains that guys are the reason that there is a severe increase in the Lesbian population. It’s just science. Can we also just focus on her brilliant plate smashing moment in Miami? I mean, who hasn’t broken a ton of glassware and dishes when pissed off at a boy? Just me and Snooki? Whatever, Angelina will clean it up tomorrow.

Treasurer and Affairs Liason: Situation
There was admittedly a severe lack of Situation in last night’s episode, but we were lucky enough to experience the Situation attempting to provide a family dinner for the troops at Casa Miami. And it went horribly, horribly wrong. However, in true Situation fashion, we learn the best way to resolve a dinner that’s been dropped on a linoleum floor (Miami house has to have a tribute to Long Island) is to just yell, push your oversized aviators down and stare in horror. His role in the I.F.F. and GTL system makes us all DTF.

Director of Public Relations: Angelina
Whoever thought Angelina would try and take a diplomatic position? She avoided drama and told everyone she “didn’t want to be involved.” Snaps, Angelina. Still think you’re a pain though. Then again, you’re from Staten Island so it can’t really be helped.

Legal Associate: Vinny
I heard he’s going for his LSAT. Wait, did he speak in this episode?

Entertainment and Events Planner: DJ Pauly D
Pauly D is pulling mad numbers from girls in the gelato shop, dropping like it’s hot in the club and just kicking ass all over the I.F.F. While everyone else is boozing and dramatizing, Pauly is dropping beats and game all over Miami.

Security: J.Woww
Jenni wants to beat someone up, bad. Specifically Angelina. Therefore, if her all-caps “anonymous” letter to Sammi goes wrong, she’s going to take off her earrings, Vaseline her face and come at Angelina. And we can’t wait.

P.S. Can we just talk about this? Heaven all around.

After discovering that Justin Timberlake’s restaurant, Southern Hospitality in NYC serves fried pickles, I obviously dragged my roommate, whom I lovingly refer to as JWowww, before last night’s new episode of Jersey Shore. Snooki was right: they totally take pickles to the next level.

And leave me completely nauseous and unable to fistpump for the rest of the night.

Despite the terrible, horrible, pregnant-with-fried-food feeling we had after dinner, we managed to drag ourselves back to the apartment to relish in a brand spanking new episode of Jersey Shore. However, this episode just wasn’t all GTL and beating the beat. This was the “hangover” episode of the premiere, and let me tell you, it was no prettier than puking up jager. The cast tackled some real issues (it was borderline an after-school special) and taught me a lot of important lessons:

Never Fall in Love at the Jersey Shore: When will Sammi and Ron Ron learn? I’d also like to enroll myself in the I.F.F. (I’m F*cked Foundation – of which Ronnie is the founder and member) due to the damage I did to my body with fried pickles and my unhealthy obsession with this series. Luckily, we were reassured that Ronnie and Sammi will be together through sickness and health, through roid rage and painful religious tattoos. But will it last when she realizes that he’s been with grenades? Only time will tell. Which brings me to my next point…

Deny, Deny, Deny: Whether you’ve been three-way kissing with uggos at the club or talking smack about Snooki’s boyfriend to JWowww’s friend J420 (really?) at a club in Long Island, the secret is to deny til you die.

Do Work: If you’re not doin’ work on grenades or on cups of Ron Ron juice, it’s crucial to hold down a professional career at all times. From tee shirt shops to gelato stores, just make sure you’re donning your freshest shades.

Look Good, Always: For the best female apparel, shop at tranny stores. To maintain your fresh, rock a shirt before the shirt. Whatever that means.

Don’t take off the shades: From the club to the beach, to marinating chicken and then cleaning it up (or leaving it on the floor, whatever), make sure to always rock your hottest pair of sunglasses. How will people know you’re famous if you’re not wearing sunglasses always? Extra points if you have $400 bejeweled bifocals that you can’t even see through.

Sleep with one eye open: Just to see if Ronnie’s crawling into your bed or if JWowww is trying to make you “sweat it out.”

The Duckphone is clutch: Why do I care about the phone drama if there isn’t a duck phone involved? What’s with the average cord phone circa 1999? Although, “No, Angelina’s dead,” might’ve been the best one-liner in the entire episode.

Work for a Grenade-Free America: Get Angelina out of there.

Well fellow GTL’ers, what has the Jersey Shore cast taught you? Based on the way things are looking, both on the show and in the gossip columns, I’m thinking if I start emulating them the best advice would be: Get a good lawyer.

First and foremost, this has been the most anticipated show of the year for me. Needless to say, episode one of the Jersey Shore did not disappoint. From the first ten minutes (which we already saw) to the last, it was chock-full of immobile hair, grainy over-contrasted filter shots, super fruity blended drinks and fist pumps galore. What a delight to see all our friends from Season 1 of the Jersey Shore, clearly more grown up and matured from their long summer vacation.

We open on Long Island (Or was it Staten Island? Or maybe upstate? It’s all the same thing, right?), because god forbid anyone from the show “Jersey Shore” is actually from New Jersey, suffering in the Snowpocalypse, unable to creep or beat the beat. Luckily, MTV’s Escalade service provided the cast (at least the 4 more popular members…) with cars to road trip down to sunny South Beach to escape the chilly Seaside Heights. JWowww and Snooki have a fabulous time, ripping on the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island’s pancake ass, eating fried pickles and forcing poor innocent “sister f*cking” southerners to epileptically fist pump. This part of the show was when I began referring to myself as Snooki and my roommate as JWowww, since we have an inseparable friendship like those two …and I wouldn’t put it past my roommate to fistpump some Angelina-esque girls in the face when we go out.

I digress. The crew eventually arrives to their three bedroom shack somewhere on South Beach, meticulously decorated with the finest twin beds and bamboo trimmings. Angelina arrives, newly waxed and ready to brawl (and likely get her wig-looking hair pulled out of her head. Seriously, what’s with the bangs? Yikes). She decides to bunk with The Situation and DJ Pauly D, who are clearly not thrilled with her presence but willing to let her sleep nearby in case they can’t get with any babes, landmines (skinny fugly girls) or grenades (fatty ugly chicks). Which, I’m sure, makes her feel great about herself.

Meanwhile, upon first glance of Angelina, JWoww is ready to lay a b*tch out and Sammi Oh-so-newly-Skinny Sweetheart is pining for her dear Ron. Who just wants to smush some girls. And they say romance is dead….

After the rooms have been “situated,” it’s on to the Miami festivities. The blender starts whirring and the liquor starts flowing and the entire Ikea wardrobe collapses, spilling approximately 4 of JWoww’s Screwdrivers all over Sammi’s white shorts. OH. MY. GOD. WHAT IS SAMMI GOING TO WEAR? Thank god for Snooki, who begins to hand wash Sweetheart’s clothes (though clearly disturbed claiming, “I feel like a Pilgrim from the freakin’ ’20s”) before putting the wet shorts into a garbage bag….. I’m sure Sammi is going to be in much better spirits when she comes home to find all 47 pairs of her shorts are covered in mildew.

Oh Snooki. I just want to carry you around in my pocket to dispense wisdom like a tiny, poofy Pez Dispenser of Guido loving. Also, what’s with people calling her Nicole? Everyone knows that the Jersey Shore crew calls her only by a few things: Snooki, Snickers, Snookers or The Unthinkable (Future Episode: “Did I do The Unthinkable?” –Vinny).

Sammi freaks out about Angelina being within 40 feet of Ronnie, who obviously she still is in love with but she just like, doesn’t know, she doesn’t know. The girls pile into one cab and the guys into another. In the cab Sammi begins to cry about Ronnie, Snookers and JWowww comfort her and Angelina feels this is an appropriate time to start ripping on everyone. JWowww, obviously not about to deal with any of that, fires back and is ready to “take it outside.” We cut to the boys, sitting in silent in a cab minivan.

The bar is par for the course as it was in Seaside. Ronnie and Sammi fight, Sammi cries and makes everyone leave early, the Situation lifts his shirt and makes fun of ugly girls, Pauly D is decently having a good time, Angelina is making faces like she smells a fart and labeling herself as “classy” (is this what we missed after she went home last season? SEND HER BACK), Ronnie makes out with multiple ugly girls (I didn’t even know ugly people existed in Miami until this episode, FYI) and Vinny is not in a single scene.

Some questions to ponder:
- When will Angelina walk off the show?
- Will Sammi and Ronnie ever find true love?
- Will Emilio (Snooki’s bf) be left high and dry in Poughkeepsie?
- How many punches will JWowww throw?
- Is Vinny ever going to say anything of note?

I love the Jersey Shore, B*tch, and I can’t wait for the rest of this season.

As your official Jersey Shore recapper for the summer, I wanted to bring you a taste of what’s to come. What those Top Chef people call an amuse-bouche, if you will, outlining the pros and cons of the encroaching season of the Jersey Shore. (ONLY ONE WEEK TO GO!)

Now, before you muss up your poof in sheer excitement and spill your Heineken all over your Ed Hardy shirt, let’s think about the pros and cons of this season. Will Season 2 even come close to living up to the shenanigans of Season 1?

Angelina
Pros: More poof-pulling, studded-shirt-tearing girl fights! Bring it on Kim Kardashian of Staten Island! We’re so ready to see J.Woww lay the smack down on her with Snooki cheering her on from the sidelines.

Cons: Why did they bring this crazyface back? Seriously? In my book, if you pack up your ish in a garbage bag and go back to your married boyfriend, you’re out. Did the producers at MTV hit their heads on the bar after too many shots and suffer amnesia and forgot all the buzz killing that Angelina brought to the house within a mere two episodes? Leave this girl where she belongs: off the shore and back in Staten Island getting her hoo-ha waxed. Like anyone wants to see that anyway.

Miami
Pros: Just Google the lyrics to Will Smith’s Miami. It really doesn’t need any more explanation. Miami rules.

Cons: Wait, really? Miami? I thought the show was called the Jersey Shore? If I wanted to watch a show about South Beach, MTV could’ve brought back that atrocious 8th and Ocean. Or I could just watch Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami. Or I could just turn on ESPN, since they won’t shut up about the Miami Heat. Still bitter, Lebron. Still bitter.

The Fame
Pros: So now the JS kiddies are full fledged celebs- strutting their stuff on the red carpet and striking poses in Harper’s Bazaar. I’m hard pressed to think of anyone who doesn’t know what the Jersey Shore is. Could their celebrity status get them into better bars? Better clothes? Less oompa-loompa looking tans? So excited to see how hard Hollywood’s hit them!

Cons: Ugh, really? The whole reason we love the Jersey Shore is the raw, real side of it. Overscripted “reality shows” are so done (I’m looking at you, “The Hills” and “The City”) and it was refreshing to have a bunch of wild and crazy unknowns partying unpretentiously in Seaside. Now the JS gang has their egos inflated even bigger than they already were, partying like rock stars. That’s so not what I tuned in for last season. Just when I thought Sammi Sweetheart couldn’t be more of a b*tch…

The Prediction?: I foresee one more crazyface season of Jersey Shore this summer. Despite the crew’s newfound fame and return of the pointless “Princess of Staten Island” (Angelina), the previews have made me jump up and down with excitement. We’ll see what happens, and I’ll be here all summer to cover Jersey Shore’s every fist pump, hair pull and hook up.

Love it, hate it or live it, there’s no denying that Jersey Shore fever has swept the nation. You better believe I almost went into full-on, panic attack, shortness of breath and reaching to call 911 on my duck phone for assistance when I saw the 10 minute preview of Jersey Shore 2. Point blank: It looks friggin’ amazing.

Okay, admittedly, I may have a slight infatuation (obsession?) with this show to the point of concern. Let’s just say, I filled out an application in my boyfriend’s name and submitted his photos to the casting company for Jersey Shore. They haven’t stopped calling him since that day. That day was in January. Regardless, I love this show. I think it eliminates all the phony and glossed over drama we see on the Hills, Gossip Girl and every other show geared toward 15-25 year old females. It’s raw, it’s raunchy, it’s the show you love to hate but can’t help but DVR every week.

Let’s count down the reasons I’m counting down to the premiere on July 29th:

10. Tan-spiration? Or “8 Very Good Reasons I should cancel my tanning membership”
Who’s got the most bronzed bod this summer? Snooki already voiced her concerns about Obama’s tan tax, which she was convinced was implemented because of the Jersey Shore (likely true, hopefully the Obama household is tuned in to MTV for the premiere), and has opted for the much healthier spray tan alternative. Will she lose that cooked hot dog plus oompa loompa plus faux Birkin bag look? Or will the hot Miami sun make all things right in the Jerseyverse?

9. The innovative fashions
Seems the gang has upgraded their swag from Ed Hardy to Dolce and Gabbana. The lovely ladies have been spotted from the red carpets and Harper’s Bazaar sporting a tamed, high fashion look. Somehow we doubt these looks will carry from the red carpet to South Beach, but either way, we’ll be delighted to see what barely there top JWoww will be sporting, from her own personal fashion line, and if Pauly D will even bother to wear a shirt. Yummy.

8. Hair, hair, HAIR!
If you want big friggin’ hair, then get amped. This season is already promising diamond studded trucker hats balanced precariously on top of poofs you can see from space. As for the guys, you better believe we’ll be seeing a lot of that perfect Sonic the Hedgehog look with all the hair wax, spray, gel and paste you can get your Cheeto-colored hands on.

7. The brawling
Let’s just hope a girl doesn’t get punched in her kisser again by a ‘roided out gym teacher and leave it at that.

6. The undeniable awkwardness of the broken, betrothed lovers, Sammi Sweetheart and Ronnie
Oh God! The drama! The tension! The heartbreak! I don’t know if I can bear that America’s Couple: Sammi and Ronnie, have reached their end. I mean, nobody saw that one coming. Will The Situation make a move back on Sammi? Will Ronnie find the guidette of his dreams? Will Sammi ever stop being such a miserable person? So many questions, so few brain cells.

5. SNOOKI
There is not a single character on television right now that I love more than Snooki. Forget all those Hills, Laguna and City girls. They have absolutely nothing on Snooki. She has lowered the bar for pretentiousness and cuddled up into our hearts, jar of pickles and banana clip in tow. She is a priceless member of the Jersey Shore family and we can only hope that she will ditch the BF back home and continue to search for the King of the Guidos. If not, wahhhhhhhhh!

4. Hot bods
Come on, who has a nicer set of abs than the Situation or Pauly D? Hate on them all you want, but something about GTL definitely pays off.

3. Creepin’
I am absolutely loving this new word being thrown around by Pauly and Ronnie. “Courting a female” is now dubbed “creeping!” How cute is that, people? I mean, when you’re all dancing in a club to some Dead Mau5, just getting your fist pump on, and you feel some dude “beating that beat” on you, and not with his fists, and certainly NOT on the floor… you’ve been creeped on.

2. Angelina’s much anticipated (or not?) return to the house
Oh joy! I am so, so glad this day has finally come! Queen C**k Block has returned, the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island. Let’s just pray that JWoww brings the pain right to this girl’s face (see #7), if Miss Angelina doesn’t storm out within 2 episodes.

1. IT’S IN MIAMI B***H!
Come ON! The hottest city, with the hottest people? South Beach? Clubs everywhere you look? Miami makes Seaside Heights look like Hutchinson, Kansas and Mansion makes Karma look like Chuck-E Cheese. In the words of the great William Smith- Party in the city where the heat is on! I. CAN’T. WAIT!

Randy Jackson next to hop on the designer bandwagon.

Well hello, perfect floral dress for summer!

Your student ID is useful…even after college.

We hope Carrie Underwood is OK…

OMG. Someone loves Adam Lambert a bit too much.