Sorry, people of the bar, for forgetting to put on undies....

Dear Friends/Family/That Random Taxi Driver That Picked Me Up and Took Me Home After Finding Me Face First On The Sidewalk,

Sometimes I like to drink. A lot. And on those occasions I may or may not (okay, always) do stupid things. It is not me, you see; it is the alcohol. In fact, it is not until the morning after when I am chugging Gatorade and trying to get my bed to stop spinning that I even realize exactly what went down. And I feel bad – really, I do. So, I want to take this opportunity to apologize for it all.

To The Bartender: I am sorry that I hopped over the bar and drank beer directly from the tap. And attempted to spray my friends with Tonic Water. And knocked over that giant stack of glasses….

To My Best Friend: I am sorry that I bit your hand when you tried to take my falafel away from me. Yes, I know I said we would share. I am also sorry that I stole your shoe…and drank a beer out of it. And that I peed in your garbage can. Oh, wait. That was your sock drawer? My bad.

To My Other Friends: I am sorry that I called your girlfriend “Gorilla”…to her face (but I am more sorry that you are dating such a mess). Sorry that I brought that random dude back to the apartment and accidentally took him to your room. I will wash your sheets…and rug. Oh, and your teddy bear.

To The Cab Driver: I am sorry that I didn’t open the window far enough when I was attempting to puke and, therefore, got a lot on the inside of the door. I am also sorry that I only had $2 and 36 cents in pennies to pay you. And I appreciate you letting me give you my Bed Bath and Beyond gift card to cover the rest.

To The Random Person at Dominos: I am sorry that I ate half of your cheesy bread before you came to pick it up. It just looked so lonely on the counter.

To The Dude I Work With: I am sorry that I made out with you at Happy Hour and made you think that I was interested and then laughed at you (and told everyone about it) when you asked if you could come home with me. That was really insensitive.

To My Grandma: I am sorry that my friends and I thought it would be funny to drunk dial you at 3 am to tell you that I just hooked up in a bathroom. I just hope you don’t know what that means.

To The Guy That Lives Below Me: I am sorry that I was in the mood to tap dance when I got home from the bar at 5am. I am also sorry for that loud thump at around 7am; my bed was rocking and I rolled right off.

To That Dude I Met: I am sorry that things didn’t work quite that well. It is really hard to aim/stay focused with 6 vodka/Red Bulls in my system. I am also sorry that I stole that pair of boxers; I couldn’t find my skivvies in the morning and needed something under my dress. P.S. Let me know if you find those…

To That Dude I Met’s Girlfriend: He didn’t tell me about you until the next morning. And that underwear you may find somewhere in his room are mine. Sorry ’bout those.

To My Liver: I am so, so, so sorry.

I hope that this covers everyone… past, present and future.

Anyone wanna hit up happy hour tonight? Let me know!

–Laur

[This post was originally posted by Lauren - University of Michigan.]

Question? Answer: TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com. Dig?!

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I cheated on my boyfriend but now I want him back. I realized that the other guy that I was cheating with wasn’t that great so I really want to get back with my guy. He said okay we can get back together but the problem is that while we weren’t together (he broke up with me when he found out I cheated) he was constantly telling me how much he loved me and everything and that he wouldn’t see anyone else because he wanted to get back together.

Well the thing is, Tuffy, I just found out that he was talking to another girl while we weren’t together. He said he wouldn’t do that so now I feel like I can’t trust him. He told me about it because he said he feels bad about it but he says nothing happened, they just went out to dinner. But I’m so mad at him. He keeps apologizing but I feel like I need something bigger. Should I just get back with him like my heart wants or should I make him show he’s sorry first?

Please post this Tuffy; this is the third time I’m emailing you.

Gina

Dear Gina,

The reason I didn’t respond to your question the first two times was to spare you from what I was going to say. But, hey, if you insist:

This is totally effed. Sorry Gina, but you’re completely in the wrong here. I mean, you have got to be kidding me. You cheat on him, but he’s the one who’s supposed to beg your forgiveness?! That’s just messed upp.

So what do I think you should do?

Well, first of all, I think you should reconsider how you treat people you supposedly care about. Cheating is not okay. Sorry. It’s such an effed up thing to do. And then to demand he apologize to YOU just because he dated a little when you weren’t even together?! Not cool, girl. So not cool.

Yeah, I agree, if he said he was waiting for you, he shouldn’t have been dating. But you had already cheated on him! And you weren’t together! I mean, on what grounds are you saying YOU can’t trust HIM?! He even came clean to you about going out to dinner (horrors!)! What the hell more do you want?!

I don’t think you should take him back, Gina. No one deserves to be treated the way you’re treating him. Take a look at yourself and how you treat the people you love and make a decision to change. The way things are going, you’re not going to find yourself in a healthy relationship anytime soon. You get what you give.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

And then we get to eat bagels and lox and cake. Yum.

I didn’t think it was fair that only Jews atone for their sins on a yearly basis. I mean, I know we all have a few things we’re sorry about (or should be sorry about!). So I opened up my big Jewish arms (probably all that kugel) to all of the CollegeCandy writers to join me on this holiday and repent for their sins. They all turned me down on the whole fasting thing, but here are their apologies for their biggest sins of 5769…er…2009.

Kayla – California State University, Sacramento: Dear, Boyfriend. Please forgive me for always using up the squirt bottle of fake butter.

Kari – Florida State: Dear Boyfriend, Please forgive me for thinking dirty, dirty thoughts about Alexander Skarsgard at a somewhat unhealthy frequency.

Maddie – Tufts: Dear boss: Please forgive me for spending so many hours on Facebook this summer while I was at work. If you hire me again, I promise not to log in once.

Kim – Stanford: Dear 7/11 gas station, I’m sorry that my friend pissed in your cooler and stole a pack of gum while I looked on and laughed and you called the police and they pulled us over after about 5 blocks. Our bad.

Melanie – Northeastern University: Dear Liver, Please forgive me for my 21st birthday this upcoming Monday.

Nina – Michigan State University: Dear Ex, please forgive me for Googling your current girlfriend. I didn’t find anything good anyway.

Lauren – University of Michigan: Dear Random Guy Whose House Party I Crashed: Sorry I stole those Bagel Bites and cooked them in your microwave. And also sorry for busting in on you having sex when I was trying to sneak said Bagel Bites out the back door…which was actually your room.

Samantha – UC Santa Barbara: Dear Papa. Please forgive me for having sex in the back of your brand new Mercedes. Also, please forgive me for driving it far too recklessly as a getaway car (same night), wearing only an orange Victoria’s Secret push-up.

Thu – USC: Dearest friend. Please forgive me for posting and tagging all of those embarrassing videos of you even after you told me not to. They were simply too hilarious.

Elizabeth – University of Missouri: Dear high-school math teacher, please forgive me for throwing up under your desk at winter formal senior year… Lesson learned: Brandy and Bacardi don’t mix, especially on an empty stomach.

Cristina – Michigan State: Dear “forgot to ask your name but I know you’re a sophomore, too”: Please forgive me for making out with you and in the sweaty graffiti party basement and then running away to never catch your name.  A true Cinderella story.

Elise – Stanford: Dear Mother, please forgive me for interpreting the word “Emergency” during the use of my credit card to include the immediate need of frozen yogurt.

Zahra – Northwestern University: Dear Various Weird Men that Hit on Me on the Street. Please forgive me for rolling my eyes when you pay me compliments. I shouldn’t insult your creativity like that since you always seem pretty delighted with your pick-up lines.

Elizabeth – UC Berkeley: Dear liver.  Please forgive me for my alcoholic tendencies.

Carly – Grinnell: Dear downstairs neighbors, please forgive me for working out at 8 a.m. most mornings in big thumpy shoes on the thin wood floor.

Ricki – University of Michigan: Dear Steph – Please forgive me for yelling at you at 2am last night.  Trust me, no one was thinking clearly at that point.

Kiki – University of Missouri: Dear Dad. Please forgive me for shutting the garage door on your  brand spankin’ new SUV. This is why I drive the ’94 Dodge pick up truck.

Sarabeth – University of Texas: Dear guy who sits behind me in Bio; please forgive me for reading gossip rags during class…I know it’s distracting. My B.

Ness – Sheridan: Dear Dad, please forgive me for spending oodles of your money to move away and attend college. Hopefully you’ll get your money’s worth some day when I’m a famous writer. Love you!

Want to clean your slate? What do you need to apologize for?

Lunchtime liposuction?

Online shopping made even easier.

Rihanna is not buying Chris Brown’s apology.

Katy Perry is not bumping uglies with Benji Madden.

Carolina Herrera hair and makeup how-to.

How does sex in space work, exactly?

Live luxuriously on a budget.

M.I.A’s baby is adorable!

A-Rod specifies what drug he used.

The new Facebook terms are not that big of a deal, so chill the eff out, people.

Is Salma Hayek married?

Get help paying for college without going broke.

M.I.A. has a little boy.

The Jonas Brothers’ promise rings were bullsh*t!

Who is “that guy“?!

Kate Hudson adds a little something special to her bathroom.

It’s still cold out there. Ideas for cute winter outfits.

Obama and Lincoln have never looked so…delicious.

Add a little color to your drab winter wardrobe.

Is Patrick Swayze smoking??

Our latest obsession: Snuggie Sightings.

I may be alone here, or I may not,  but give the kid a break. He won like, what, eight-zillion medals (give or take) for us ; if he wants to celebrate with a little pot, let the man celebrate! Yes marijuana is illegal, and yes he is a role model to millions, but you know what? Role models have to unwind too!  Not to mention the fact that it could have been alot worse. There was no DUI, no snorting coke in the bathroom, no gay hookers or pornography scandals…

He got stoned. And drank some beer. At a college.

Visit any dorm in America on a Friday night and tell me if you find anything different.

But what bothers me most is that he didn’t violate any rule! There is no rule saying what he can and cannot do in his off-time. The only reason he is being punished is because A) he has to be or his sponsors/league will look bad, and B) he supposedly disappointed so many people. I wasn’t disappointed. In fact, everyone I talked to about the situation wasn’t disappointed (including my professor, just in case anyone wants to say I hang out with a bunch of young, irresposible pot-heads). In fact, we were all a little proud; he smokes pot AND broke world records? He can obviously keep his work life separate from his personal life and hasn’t let one effect the other thus far. Good for him.

Phelps has issued two different apologies, and in true stoner fashion is going with the flow and has accepted his fate. It annoys me enough that he even had to apologize for enjoying his success, but none-the-less he took responsibility for his mistake and states, “I’m 23 years old and despite the successes I’ve had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry.” I think this apology is brilliant. He is completely correct in acknowledging his age. He has trained his whole life, and I really feel like he deserves to enjoy the remainder of his youth.

As for using Michael Phelps as an example, I feel like I need to mention the seemingly endless list of successful people who have either admitted to, or have been caught, using pot. Phelps doesn’t need to be an example when there are so many on the list already. Bill Clinton didn’t inhale, but Obama did. Charlize Theron was caught with an apple-bong, while Matthew McConaughey played the naked bongos, and, my personal favorite, Barbara Streisand passes weed out to her crew members.

Michael Phelps is being punished unfairly and should really just be left alone. The Olympics are nothing without him, so let the kid have his pot and eat his cake, too.

[I like to think of myself as a pretty easy going gal, and try not to sweat the small stuff. But sometimes (ok, maybe slightly more often) the general cluelessness, carelessness and overall stupididty of some things and or/people really gets to me. I find that venting is the most efficient way to rid myself of the stress that idiots, wrong meal orders, lack of cell phone ettiquette and cheese flavored products (that don’t even contain any freaking cheese!) induce. So, in an attempt to avoid an ulcer or an unfortuante road rage incident, I vent to you, dear reader. Please feel free to join in and comment about anything–really, anything–that pissed. you. off. this week. Let it all hang out. I feel you.]

Saying “Hi” to Facebook friends. A slight differentiation from last week’s “awkward run-in.” It’s inevitable that you’re gonna see some of your Facebook buds out and about (I mean, why would you have accepted some weirdo’s friend request without some slight or vague form of acquaintance?) But therein lies the problem—the acquaintance can vary anywhere from “girl who was in your freshman stats class that you never talked to but still felt the need to add you” to “friend of a friend’s friend’s boyfriend who bought you a bottle of cabernet and therefore led to the obligatory friend acceptance.” What is the proper form of greeting for such a relationship? Will a high five suffice? A “bro” nod? A hug, hell, what about an air kiss?! I doubt Emily Post gave any specific etiquette on this 21^st century relationship, and I’m stuck awkwardly saying “Hey girl!” on the way out of the bathroom, severely questioning whether or not I actually know the person I just acknowledged….

Getting Hit in the Face with Stuff. First of all, get your mind out of the gutter—not that kind of “stuff.” Second of all, it happens to me more than you’d think. Thanks to a childhood cheerleading career, I suffered an unfortunate ratio of getting hit in the face with the football to, um, not getting hit in the face with a football. You can therefore imagine my aversion to things flying at my face (insert joke from Clueless here). What’s even worse is when said flying objects are totally unwarranted and unexpected. Like last night when I was engaged in a rousing game of flip cup and was pelted in the face with an empty Solo. The only condolence I got was a snickering apology and an insistence that “I was trying to hit the guy next to you.” At least he got kicked off of our team.

And Speaking of Drinking Games… I think that we’ve all accepted Beer Pong as an official sport (still waiting for ESPN to feature it on Sports Center, though…), but come on people, throwing a bacteria-infested ping pong ball into a cup of lukewarm Natty is not a situation of life or death. So yes, I do think that your hyphenated, asterisk-ed and f**king really long list of “House Rules” is a little over the top. I reserve the right to use my cleavage as a weapon of mass distraction and to blow the sh*t out of any ball that thinks it’s getting in my rack (yes, I know this is like an x-rated Pissed List by now) and refuse to forfeit penalty cups because you are the Stalin of drinking games. The worst part of it is, you and BOTH know you were blatantly cheating while we played quarters half an hour ago!

Blockbuster’s Late Fees. Do you guys understand how freaking excited I was when they started that whole “No late fees!” campaign?!! I’m late for everything, especially movies I watched two weeks ago. So imagine my elation when I found out that my $5 rental would no longer cost me $17 when I finally dragged my lazy butt to the little “return movies” slot. So I enjoyed this privilege for quite a while, and felt a really strange sense of victory when my account’s debt was erased when I handed the girl behind the counter my 3 week old DVD. And then I changed Blockbusters. I still get a little tear jerked when I reminisce about the time I brought in a two week past-due copy of Knocked Up only to understand the true meaning of “Participating Locations Only.” Well screw you, Blockbuster; I’m switching to Netflix. It’s cheaper anyways.

Now that you’ve added “return DVD” to your to do list, what can you add to this week’s Pissed List?

Last night’s episode of The Hills was monumental. Huge. The early-20s-drama-rific equivalent to the falling of the Berlin Wall.

(Thanks to Holly’s constant pushing and manipulating) Heidi wrote LC a letter.

I know! Heidi can write?!

Well, sorta. The letter went a little something like this:

Dear Lauren,

Heidi Montag

I have so many questions, so let’s get to them. 1) When someone makes a blanket apology, does it count? 2) What exactly is Heidi including in this apology? That she left her BFF to date a total d-bag? That she turned into a plastic bimbo? That she subjected everyone to her horrible “music”? That she spread rumors about LC’s ladyparts to the entire world? 3) How many Heidi’s do you think there are sending LC apology letters that she has to sign her last name? 4) Did Heidi really write this letter, or was this whole thing crafted by Holly to get Spencer out of the picture and let everyone else live happily ever after?

Speaking of Holly – seriously, when did the girl get trendy? Does anyone else remember what she looked like when we met her, like, 3 episodes ago? And now she’s all doin’ her hair all fancy and wearing sparkly dresses…I don’t care if Heidi took her to get a makeover; no one makes a style turnaround that quickly.

But even though I think she secretly stashed a personal stylist in Speidi’s apartment, I am starting to sorta, well, love Holly Montag. The way she stood up to Spencer at the end of the episode after he got all “I’m gonna eff you up for talking about LC.” (Seriouly, I swear that dude is doing something bad to Heidi…she looked so scared of him.) I would like to think she may be the one to get rid of that turd, even though we all know good and well that he’s still around.

Oh yeah. And other things happened last night, too. Audrina went on a date with “the happiest drunk in the world.” He also looked like he showered (point), only had one name (point) and was really sweet to her (even if it was borderline pathetic, point), yet she couldn’t stop talking about Justin Bobby.

Snoozefest.

Thankfully, they will be spicing things up next week with a little skinny dipping action. Otherwise, I can totes do without Audrina and her weird bands and ridiculous body (that I could never have, even if I paid for it).

Matt Lauer and Ann Curry, ever the defenders, hand-fed South Carolina’s finest cartographer her dignity by strategically answering the questions they asked before Upton had a chance to.

Curry: “…And it was the first time you had actually been on national television. Here you were competing and it was…it was…just one of those moments when you were asked this question…I’m sure everything came at you at once.”

Upton: “Yes. Everything did come at me at once.”

Moments later Lauer chimed in with an assist:

Lauer: “Please don’t let it get you down. I mean…and I know the fact that it’s on YouTube and a lot of people are watching it right now probably has to be a double-edged sword. On the one hand you think it’s kind of funny; on the other hand it’s not all that funny to you, is it?”

Upton: “Um, no, but then again looking back on it I am sitting here laughing at myself.”

I want to hate on this beauty queen so much it hurts, but truth be told, Upton is just another victim of stage fright; it happens to almost every unprepared speaker when asked a question on television. Although Upton did state that her rambling, incoherant, laughable, mentally-retarded answer was a mistake, if we’ve learned anything this summer, a fluff-piece apology on the Today show shall validate all.

Although Upton did state that her rambling answer was a mistake, I would’ve loved for her to go a step further and just say, “Hey, I’m a teen model – why are you looking to me for anything besides having some fantastic boobs?”

I also would’ve accepted “World Peace” as a correct answer. But I digress.

In the immortal words of Curry to Upton, “Good girl! Good girl, you!”