There’s a new plague making its way across college campuses from coast to coast. Take one step into your local incorporated coffee shop, vegan restaurant, Urban Outfitters or American Apparel store and you will be afflicted. (Or blinded by all the neon spandex and overwhelming scent of cigarettes.)

I’m talking, of course, about hipsters.

Don’t know what I’m talking about? Don’t worry’ they’ve even got a Wikipedia page.

I don’t truly despise these people. In fact, some are my dear friends. However, the ones that aren’t my friends are becoming an issue – a taking-all-the-tables-at-my-favorite-coffee-shop issue – and here’s my top 10 reasons that they piss me off. Obviously, not all apply. And obviously there are many, many more.

1. OHMYGOD just because I don’t wear weird clothes doesn’t mean I don’t like good music, too.
Hipsters pride themselves on liking the most unique, underground indie music. And if they like something outside that realm? Well, they like it “ironically.” In fact, I’m pretty sure their entire subculture is based on irony. (Editor’s Note: Maybe Alanis Morisette started the hipster movement?!) They automatically assume if someone is in a polo shirt that their music taste only expands as far as Dave Matthews and OAR. WRONG. Not everyone wears their music taste on their American Apparel sleeves. Get. Real. Check my last.fm; I listen to just as much Arcade Fire as you do and my mom was at Pavement concerts when you were in diapers.

2. The corporations you support are just as bad as the ones you hate.
So, you enjoy taking over Urban Outfitters? Well guess what – UO supported Proposition 8, the recently passed proposition that banned same sex marriage. Urban is owned by the most anti-gay bigot ever. Maybe you should think twice before you go heading over there for your next ironic tee and skinny jeans.

3. Life’s tough. Get a helmet.
Adorn the helmet with Bon Iver stickers. Do what you must, just stop bitching and moaning and sucking down Parliament Lights and PBR cans like it’s your job. You’ve got a trust fund, you unitard-wearing complainer.

4. Hypocritical much?
So, you spend your time hating on people for being judgmental a-holes? While you sit there and judge them based on the fact that they’re wearing mainstream clothing and maybe enjoy rap music? I don’t think that frat boy gives a crap about your life, so why do you care how he lives his?

5. Sports are not the anti-christ.
I like basketball. It’s fun to cheer for things (I know. Enthusiasm. Scary.) and maybe you should try watching it. Just because a lot of people love it doesn’t mean it sucks.

6. People eat animals. They taste real good.
Don’t tell me how my burger came to be. Veganism is your choice, not mine. Do I tell you how your lungs are turning black when you smoke? No. Do I not-so-politely inform you that your skinny jeans are permanently damaging your nerves? Nopers. Don’t remind me that my sandwich was once a living thing.

7.  It’s okay to like things without being ironic.
I’d love to meet a hipster that can openly admit that they un-ironically enjoy Britney Spears or Fall Out Boy. Even just a couple songs. Come on! It’s catchy! I’m not judging you!

8. Starbucks is tasty. Organic coffee tastes funky.
Enough said. Maybe it’s overpriced, but oh my god, I have never had a decent frappucino at an indie coffee shop. Side note: your indie coffee shop is most likely a franchise, too!

9. PBR is gross.
Enough. Said.

10. Smile.
Sunshine, I don’t care what you’re wearing, but for the love of spandex and Ray-Bans, can you please brighten someone’s day and smile? Scowling is super unbecoming.

It doesn’t mean that some things aren’t better faked.

Sometimes you just don’t have the time to read the New York Times every morning, or take up sailing to impress the hot preppy guy in your economics class, or even make sure your life isn’t a complete disaster. In this case, sometimes a girl just has to fake it. Hey, you think I actually have time to read the whole Economist every week to fit in with my superstar Ivy peers? Hells no.

How to Fake Knowing About Current Events:

1. Pick up the Economist from the library, read the first 5 pages where they summarize all the major events that happened in the past week in bullet points.

2. Skim the world section of the Times every morning, usually you can pick up the main points in 10 minutes- things in Iraq continue to go to hell, terrorism lives on, etc.

3. Every Sunday the Times summarizes all the major news stories of the previous week. Plus all the stories rock.

How to Fake Sexual Skill

1. You don’t really have to; most guys are thrilled to have you naked at all.

2. Reverse cowgirl. It’s so easy, but so effective. It’s like girl on top, only you face backwards. Guys love this move, especially if you’re wearing cute underwear.

3. A little moaning always fixes everything. No seriously, it does. Bonus points for a hair toss now and then.

How to Fake Being Preppy (in case your boyfriend invites you home … in CT)

1. Put on cable knit sweater, add pearl earrings, throw on some Sperry’s. Bonus points for sporting pink and green.

2. Apply pink blush to the apples of your cheeks so it looks like you just got back from brisk row.

3. Throw a copy of “The Official Preppy Handbook” in your monogrammed L.L. Bean tote (you know – in case you need to sneak off to the bathroom for a reference).

How to Disguise the Freshman 15:

1. I can’t stress this enough; A black turtleneck. It makes your chest look huge and your waist tiny.

2. Dark denim jeans, knee length skirts, empire waists, black leggings. Whatever you do, avoid flats and skirts together like the plague.

3. If you don’t have time to exercise, 50-100 lunges a day will firm things up in a couple of weeks.

How to Fake Knowing About New Music:

1. Always have an obscure band to reference. Even better, have two: “Yeah, the new stuff from Arcade Fire is great, for sure, but doesn’t it sound a little like the Coke Squirrels’ second album?”

2. Memorize the names of the top bands on College Music’s Top Lists and listen to a clip from each on www.myspace.com. Throw around names liberally.

3. There is nothing like iTunes for checking up random bands without actually bothering to listen to, or pay to hear their full songs.

How to Fake Looking Good After Pulling An All-Nighter:

1. Visine and an eyelash curler for your bloodshot eyes; apricot blush for your pasty complexion; a high, tight ponytail for that sophisticated European scholar look.

2. Take off those grim sweatpants and throw on a pair of equally comfortable low slung cargo pants, tight camisole, topped off with a little cardigan. It feels like PJs but looks so damn good.

3. Lay off the coffee unless you want to kill your stomach lining; wash down a caffeine pill with a tall glass of orange juice instead. It’s a buzz with vitamins and minerals.

I’m sure all our American readers are counting down the days until they can crack a Miller Lite, light some sparklers and celebrate Independence Day. Me too, except, being a Canadian, I don’t have to wait quite as long to do so…. and I will probably be sipping on something Molson over something Miller.

Up here in Canada we do our celebrating on July 1st. It’s Canada Day – our nation’s big, fat birthday – and it rocks. And being the nice neighbor that I am, I’m inviting you to party with us. If the fact that fabulous CollegeCandy writers Alex from Lakehead and Ness from Sheridan are Canadian isn’t reason enough, then here are 5 more.

1. Calling in sick to work because you’re too hungover from partying it up on the Fourth of July is totally suspicious.  Call in on July 2nd (which happens to be a Friday!) and no one will bat an eyelash.  Celebrating Canada Day means you can party straight through the weekend!

2. For anyone close to the 49th parallel and under 21, Canada is the place to be.  With a drinking age of 19 in most provinces (18 in Alberta and Quebec!) you can enjoy a drink on a sunny patio.  If you can’t make it North for a drink, raise a Caesar in celebration of Canada – this popular (and tasty) drink was created by a bartender in my hometown of Calgary, Alberta!

3. An all-Canadian playlist is a great reason to have a Canada Day party.  With the extremely talented Arcade Fire, Metric, Stars, Tokyo Police Club, The Weakerthans, and Feist reigning from Canada, there is so much CRTC approved music to rock out to on July 1.  Or if you’re more into the Top 40 stuff, who better to dance to at the club than Drake, Nelly Furtado and J.Biebs.

4. Celebrate Canada day with some fine Canadian cuisine.  We have poutine, elephant ears, ginger beef, Montreal smoked meat, Montreal bagels, Nanaimo bars, Shreddies, Coffee Crisps, Timbits, and pretty much any ethnic cuisine you could possibly want available.  And made on a cart if you’re in Toronto.  Though we can’t seem to agree on a National dish, there are plenty of tasty treats we can all identify with.

5. Because we’re probably the friendliest neighbour you could possibly have.  And you know what good neighbours do?  They invite you over when they’re having a party and maybe, just maybe even hand you a nice, cold beer.

Yonge & Dundas Intersection in Toronto after Team Canada Win

This week’s Weekly Ten, Why Canada Deserves Silver, stirred up quite the controversy yesterday. Seriously, I didn’t see this much hate on CollegeCandy since one writer expressed her disdain for Taylor Swift. And rightfully so. Yes it was meant to be a joke, but we in Canada aren’t entirely laughing with you.  While we know for a fact CollegeCandy loves their Canadian readers, and even has a few Canadian writers (myself included), this post pissed a lot of people off.

But instead of get angry and insult the intelligence of the writer, editor or Americans in general, I decided to take the high road and just show why Canada deserves more than just a gold medal in Olympic hockey. So here is my condensed version (there are way too many reasons for one post!) of all the reasons Canada rocks that they forgot to teach you in high school.

Education – Education (university included) receives higher subsidies from the government in Canada, meaning it’s cheaper for us to attend post-secondary school.  Also, did you know that Toronto, Canada’s largely city (where I happen to attend school), has more people with university degrees than ANY other large city in the world? Yeah, take that and deep fry it!

Health Care – Okay, so maybe you’ve heard about this recently with Obama pushing for health care reform and all, but it’s true – we have universal health care in Canada, thanks to this pretty awesome guy named Tommy Douglas.  We also have a higher life expectancy rate and lower infant mortality rate than the United States.

Good Music – I agree with you, America: Avril Lavigne isn’t the greatest, but Canada has some other pretty fantastic musicians.  Arcade Fire, Metric, Stars, Feist, and The Weakerthans are just a few of my personal faves.

Tim Hortons – As I write this, I’m rolling up the rim to win on my Tim Horton’s coffee cup.

Inventions - I’m sure you’re enjoying some Canadian inventions as you read these post.  Have a light on? Used the telephone? Wearing jeans (with a zipper… not Pajama Jeans)? Played or watched hockey or basketball? Used your CrackBerry? Taken out the garbage? Eaten peanut butter? Yeah all these things were made possible by Canadians or on Canadian soil.

Multiculturalism – Canada is a mosaic of multiculturalism.  When people come to Canada we don’t expect them to give up their own identity – instead we embrace our differences.  We have two official languages in Canada – French and English – as well as  two national anthems. “Thy history is an epic of the most brilliant exploits” is a snippet of the English translation of the French version. Yeah, we’re pretty epic.

Nationalism – We have a pretty inoffensive nationalism in Canada, except when it comes to hockey.  The street parties that ensued following Sid the Kid’s gold medal winning goal were truly Canadian – according to CTV 16.6 million people saw this goal, making it the most watched broadcast in Canadian history.

Space/Landscape - As Molson Canadian (makers of the fine Canadian beer) puts it, “we have more square feet of awesomness per person than any other nation on Earth.” We have the fourth lowest population density in the world and our country is full of diverse landscapes.  This was captured by the Group of Seven, a group of Canadian painters from the 1920s that developed a new school of truly Canadian art.

Definition of Marriage – Canada was the fourth country in the world, and first in the Americas, to legalize same-sex marriage.  Much like our belief in the mosaic of multiculturalism, this shows our commitment to equality.

[photo courtesy of Max Mertens]

I’m talking, of course, about hipsters.

Don’t know what I’m talking about? Don’t worry’ they’ve even got a Wikipedia page.

I don’t truly despise these people. In fact, some are my dear friends. However, the ones that aren’t my friends are becoming an issue – a taking-all-the-tables-at-my-favorite-coffee-shop issue – and here’s my top 10 reasons that they piss me off. Obviously, not all apply. And obviously there are many, many more.

1. OHMYGOD just because I don’t wear weird clothes doesn’t mean I don’t like good music, too.
Hipsters pride themselves on liking the most unique, underground indie music. And if they like something outside that realm? Well, they like it “ironically.” In fact, I’m pretty sure their entire subculture is based on irony. (Editor’s Note: Maybe Alanis Morisette started the hipster movement?!) They automatically assume if someone is in a polo shirt that their music taste only expands as far as Dave Matthews and OAR. WRONG. Not everyone wears their music taste on their American Apparel sleeves. Get. Real. Check my last.fm; I listen to just as much Arcade Fire as you do and my mom was at Pavement concerts when you were in diapers.

2. The corporations you support are just as bad as the ones you hate.
So, you enjoy taking over Urban Outfitters? Well guess what – UO supported Proposition 8, the recently passed proposition that banned same sex marriage. Urban is owned by the most anti-gay bigot ever. Maybe you should think twice before you go heading over there for your next ironic tee and skinny jeans.

3. Life’s tough. Get a helmet.
Adorn the helmet with Bon Iver stickers. Do what you must, just stop bitching and moaning and sucking down Parliament Lights and PBR cans like it’s your job. You’ve got a trust fund, you unitard-wearing complainer.

4. Hypocritical much?
So, you spend your time hating on people for being judgmental a-holes? While you sit there and judge them based on the fact that they’re wearing mainstream clothing and maybe enjoy rap music? I don’t think that frat boy gives a crap about your life, so why do you care how he lives his?

5. Sports are not the anti-christ.
I like basketball. It’s fun to cheer for things (I know. Enthusiasm. Scary.) and maybe you should try watching it. Just because a lot of people love it doesn’t mean it sucks.

6. People eat animals. They taste real good.
Don’t tell me how my burger came to be. Veganism is your choice, not mine. Do I tell you how your lungs are turning black when you smoke? No. Do I not-so-politely inform you that your skinny jeans are permanently damaging your nerves? Nopers. Don’t remind me that my sandwich was once a living thing.

7.  It’s okay to like things without being ironic.
I’d love to meet a hipster that can openly admit that they un-ironically enjoy Britney Spears or Fall Out Boy. Even just a couple songs. Come on! It’s catchy! I’m not judging you!

8. Starbucks is tasty. Organic coffee tastes funky.
Enough said. Maybe it’s overpriced, but oh my god, I have never had a decent frappucino at an indie coffee shop. Side note: your indie coffee shop is most likely a franchise, too!

9. PBR is gross.
Enough. Said.

10. Smile.
Sunshine, I don’t care what you’re wearing, but for the love of spandex and Ray-Bans, can you please brighten someone’s day and smile? Scowling is super unbecoming.

Melanie currently interning in NYC, taking full advantage of all margarita specials and those blonde summer boys. Stalk her on Twitter: @tinkermellie

Have you ever wanted to just grab your friends, a tent, some brews, and head to the desert for some good ass music and partying? I have. And apparently I’m not the only one.

A bunch of artists back in 1999 put this little festival together known as Coachella. And every year, friends of mine are attending it, playing it, working it, or doing SOMETHING for or to it. So I believe it’s time for a CollegeCandy style expose on this powwow.

The three day festival takes place every year. I like to say it’s a cross between Warped Tour and Bonnaroo. It’s not quite as punk/rock/retarded as Warped Tour, but it’s also not as artsy fartsy hippietastic as Bonnaroo. Boasting acts like Rage Against the Machine, Beck, Radiohead, Pixies, Arcade Fire, The Cure, Bjork, Amy Winehouse, The Black Keys, and Peaches (as well as about 100,000,000,000 other musicians), I’m confident that you can see what I mean here.

In the shadows of the pop culturally apocalyptic Woodstock ’99, Coachella was treading on more than cautious ground in the land of outdoor music festivals. They weren’t initially allowed to offer on-site camping and those restrictions remained in place until 2002. Through financial and legal difficulties, awesome bands are what have helped the festival persevere. The George Clooneys and Natalie Portmans of the music industry — “A-list” bands, if you will. But I guess this all makes sense considering the fact that the said ‘artists’ who initially orchestrated the festival were, in fact, the bands Tool and Pearl Jam.

So it’s a liberal desert hippie dance rock party and the attendees tend to look the part. They dress and behave for the paradoxical festival which is Coachella while also suiting up admirably for the desert. While this festival has all of the makings of an atrocious disaster, it has yet to provide anything but fun for thousands each year.

And since scoring Led Zeppelin for a lineup doesn’t seem that far fetched anymore, perhaps I’ll scope it out myself next year if they can, in fact, land the greatest of great rock bands ever to play one of their stages.

Not everyone is a gym freak. As a matter of fact, to some, the gym is like the plague. Working out takes serious motivation, time and dedication, and lifting weights in silence is even more painful, especially when the only noises are grunting meatheads. Yeah, no thank you.

Here are some tunes to block out those awkward noises and kick your ass into gear!

1. Headlights Look Like Diamonds– Arcade Fire

2. This Modern Love– Bloc Party

3. Freakum Dress– Beyonce (girl knows how to work it and you’ll wanna pull out your best drag queen moves after this song. Platforms are essential)

4. Bullet and a Target– Citizen Cope (the whole album is work out worthy)

5. Baby Makin’ Hips– Fantasia (please ignore the title, the song is all about the BEAT)

6. Hate On Me– Jill Scott (this is a good redemption tune)

7. Anything’s Possible– Johnny Lang (a young dude with the soul of an old man, this song will make you feel like you could move mountains, literally)

8. When Your Heart Stops Beating– Plus 44

9. Breakin’ Dishes– Rihanna (also a GREAT song to release any ‘boyfriend rage”)

10. I am Your Man– Ryan Shaw (it’s a good follow up so you don’t become a complete man-hater on the Elliptical)

11. In Love With A Girl– Gavin Degraw (glad you’re back Gavin! Grab his album on May 6th, it’s going to be SUPERB)

12. Drivin’ Me Wild– Common Ft. Lily Allen (great duet on so many levels)

And Cool Down with…

13. Everytime It Rains– Charlotte Martin (this song makes me smile like an idiot)

14. Silver Lining– Rilo Kiley

These tunes should be enough motivation for ya, now GO!

What tunes are on your “Work Out Playlist”?

Yes, it’s true, I don’t have an mp3 player. This is not really by choice, I must admit—my iPod broke a couple months ago and the so-called “Geniuses” at my local Apple store told me that the cost of fixing it would be (shockingly) the same as buying a new one. It really bothers me that Apple’s products (and most gadgets these days) are basically designed to break after about a year, thus forcing you to buy a new one, so I simply refused. I went iPod-less.

I love reading, so I figured my morning commutes would be fine. Think of all the books I could get through! I might finally plow through that stack of New Yorkers under my bed! As for walking around, I’d be better off—less likely to get hit by a bus while crossing the street and not paying attention, less likely to get targeted for mugging, less likely to run into a glass door (yes, this has actually happened to me).

Who am I kidding?

Not having an mp3 player in New York City is excruciating. I here every siren and every cat call as I walk down the street. I sit on the subway and am inundated with noise: crying children, people yelling at each other or cackling loudly, and the garbled feedback from the train announcer. But the worst part? It’s the people with mp3 players who are the most annoying.

Sometimes their music is so loud I can tell exactly what song is playing. Sometimes there are multiple players with competing sounds. Sometimes people are just soooo into their music they feel the need to sing/hum/tap/rap along. They never ever hear you when you say “excuse me”.

Was I like that before? Did I walk around in an iPod fog, oblivious to the goings-on around me? Could you hear Arcade Fire leaking from my little white ear buds? Not having an mp3 player has made me realize just how obnoxious I probably was back when I had one, and yet it makes me yearn for something, anything, to tune them all out.

Maybe I should just buy earplugs?