OK, so maybe not an actual ref, but a friend or some other unbiased third party (who looks less creepy than that guy on TV) would be nice.

It’s no secret that fights between a boyfriend and a girlfriend can get really heated really fast. There are just so many feelings to deal with. What starts out as a simple comment soon blows up into name calling, door slamming and silent treatmenting. (It’s a word, OK?)  Both parties are yelling but no one is really listening, anxious to get their feelings off their chest. Sometimes you can work it out, but sometimes it gets to the point where you’re both just too tired to try anymore and someone just gives up. Until the next time when all these old feelings come barreling out.

Wouldn’t it be awesome to have someone else there to keep things fair? To bust out a gavel and make a final ruling? To make sure everyone leaves feeling validated?

Sounds pretty good to me.

But maybe it’s not so good. Maybe being part of a couple means dealing with the fights and what comes with them. (Even if those fights happen to be over what we’ll eventually name our future dog….) Maybe inviting a third person into your relationship just makes things messier; sure, some people may dig a threesome in bed, a threesome in a relationship might not be so hot. Maybe you shouldn’t have to depend on someone else to fight your battles for you, and maybe having a referee might not even make that fight more productive. Especially when he/she sides with the other person.

I think we all bring refs into our relationships in some form or another. I know I talk to my best friends when I’m looking for a little perspective and validation and I know Matt does the same. But there are just some things that we gotta deal with on our own, things that no outsider could ever understand enough to fix. It may take a bit longer and there might be a few more doors slammed, but that’s all part of being coupled.

And ref or no ref, at least I know Matt and I will always agree on one thing: that show sucks.

LDR’s have their pros and cons, but fighting is a definite con. Why is fighting so much harder in long-distance relationships, and how can we make it easier?

You Can’t See Each Other

A good percent of communication is nonverbal. Body language and facial expressions are essential to understanding another person’s intent. When you fight over the phone, as in an LDR, you lose these important aspects and things can come out much harsher (or nicer) than you intend. To help remedy this problem, speak clearly and honestly to make sure you both truly understand where the other is coming from.

The Silent Treatment Is So Much Easier

All you have to do is hang up the phone, or refuse to answer in the first place. It’s a tempting thought when you’re really upset, but you’ll never resolve the issue without communicating. The best advice I can give you is don’t hang up! It’ll just upset you both more (your partner will be upset you hung up and you’ll be upset if they don’t try calling back). Talk through the issue and refuse to cut off communication until some agreement has been made, even if its just that you’ll talk it out more later.

No Make-Up Sex

The only good thing about fighting is make-up sex, and it’s pretty much impossible in an LDR. After a fight, we usually need some sort of physical contact (a snuggle or a romp in the sheets, you decide) to reassure us that everything is OK. Without physical contact, the hurt feelings may not fade as quickly and the fight might not feel over, even if it is. The only thing you can do about this is reassure each other that you love each other (say it out loud!) and keep communicating in all the ways you were before.

Do you girls have any advice for handling arguments in an LDR?

This month’s Cosmo

And, of course, some semi-misguided advice…
This month’s “Get Him to Kiss and Makeup” bypassed the easiest ways to get your boyfriend to forgive you (lingerie, dinner, hypnotism) and found four surefire ways to earn redemption for anything short of “cheating on him with his brother in their parents’ bed while his dog watched.” For the most part, decent ideas, but Cosmo always finds a way to work in the darndest things…

Give Him Room

Cosmo Says: Even if you want to talk things out, let your man blow off some steam by going out with the guys. “That’s how guys multitask.”

Kari Says: Alright, I can understand this. Sometimes I just need a little time alone to sulk, scream, or commiserate with the girls, but watch the expiration date on that time apart. Allowing too much time to pass before apologizing and discussing can create tension, allow anger to steep, or at the very least will earn you some bad-mouthing to his friends. Give him some time to calm down, but don’t go to bed still angry.

Don’t Out-Argue Him

Cosmo Says: Even if you can logically prove you deserve forgiveness, don’t. Bringing up a time when he screwed up and you forgave him will only distract and annoy. Also, we’ll forgive you when we’re ready, but it shouldn’t take too long.

Kari Says: See?! He just doesn’t need that much time alone. But enough of me proving I’m right, that would just clash with this Cosmo tip, which I happen to wholeheartedly agree with. If Cosmo (and life) has taught me anything, it’s that women are far superior verbal warriors than our male counterparts. So outwitting him when he’s already pissed off at whatever I just did probably wouldn’t be the smartest idea. Good looks, Cosmo.

Stroke His Ego

Cosmo Says: “Guys are never immune to compliments. Doing or saying something that makes him feel good not only, well, makes him feel good, but it also reminds him why it’s way better when he’s not mad at you.”

Kari Says: First of all, I’m a little disappointed in the lack of innuendo that could have been used in a paragraph with the word “stroke” in the title. Anyways, when it comes to boyfriends, they’d prefer to be literally buttered up rather than metaphorically. A well placed compliment after you’ve made up is a good way to ensure forgiveness, but not a good way to earn it. Telling him how smart, handsome or funny he is won’t go over as well if you’re arguing; it will make him feel like you’re trying to distract him from the situation at hand.

Be Tough On Yourself

Cosmo Says: “We don’t want you to beat yourself up—unless you’re doing it for our benefit.” Crocodile tears pair nicely with this, but keep that advice on the low.

Kari Says: I definitely think that when apologizing you should own up to your mistake without making excuses, but a dramatic monologue about how horrible it made you feel will only detract from your boyfriend’s feelings about the issue. Make the focus of your apology why you’re sorry you hurt him and what you can do to make him feel better; your selflessness will go a lot farther than belittling yourself. And yes, just like getting out of a speeding ticket, tears do help.

So what do you think? Have you ever used any of this advice to earn forgiveness? What do you do to make up after a big screw-up?

Dear Tuffy Luv,

Ok, I have a question, and I need a response asap. I hooked up with this guy, like, 2 weeks ago, and his girlfriend, yes his girlfriend, found out today! Ugh, I knew that he had a girlfriend at the time, but I didn’t care and he promised that he would never tell!!!! So much 4 that promise. Anyway, I have her in one of my classes and she sits right behind me and I have just been ditching that class to avoid her, but I can’t do that 4ever! What do i do? I feel so guilty, but he has cheated on her 5 times b4!!!! Ugh, this sucks. But No Regrets, ever. Help me please!

-MamaBeast-

Dear MamaBeast,

Well, you should regret this. Hooking up with another girl’s man is just not cool. And that’s that.

That said, it’s not your fault he cheated. And if he’s cheated on her before, she should have known he’d cheat on her again. Ridic.

You’re right that you can’t ditch class forever. My advice to you is to find a way to talk to her BEFORE the next class. Do NOT do this on the phone and especially not on email! You need to stand face to face and be honest with her. Yeah, you knew they were together. Yeah, you shouldn’t have done it. But tell her you’re really sorry – you know it was wrong and it won’t happen again.

If she gets in your face about it, remind her (politely, seriously, you don’t want a fight) that he’s the one cheating on her. You’re not her friend and you can hook up with whoever you want. Make it clear you’re just saying sorry because you want things to be cool between the two of you, NOT because you’re responsible for him cheating on her.

I hope that girl breaks up with that guy, because he WILL cheat again.

Hopefully you won’t let it be with you.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

I am a Cosmo devotee. Have been since I started stealing my mom’s when I was twelve. I am amazed monthly by the hair, the witty captions, and their never ending innovation of synonyms for the word penis. Many of my friends, acquaintances, relatives and sisters swear by Cosmo as their Bible (and for the most part I do too). But there are some times (well…many times) when Cosmo’s take on real world situations is – in a word – whack.

I will still accept their declarations of lip gloss superiority like they were handed down from the divine, but when it comes to their interpretation of all things men (or at least all things greatly generalized and stereotyped), I think I’ll be reading with a grain of salt handy.

And I’ll pass that grain onto you. With every passing month and, in turn, every new “Secret Sex Fantasy Guys Won’t Tell You!” revealed, I will be here to break it all down for you. I will find the truth buried deep between the unsafe sex positions and “things he secretly loves you for,” so you don’t end up with a stiff neck, an angry boyfriend or some seriously embarrassing sexcapades.]

This month, Cosmo did a damn good job at publishing articles that were, for the most part, interesting, non-redundant, and (my fave) THEMED! I mean, yeah it’s expected, but Feb’s issue had more V-day tips, lingerie ideas and suggestions than you could shake a stick at…and I still logged onto their website to check out all the extra stuff they promised. I couldn’t have asked for anything more (except for a coupon for 1 free Victoria’s Secret ensemble for the 14^th).

But, since it is Cosmo, there was bound to be some advice that you just read and think “Seriously?” This month’s issue delivered that little nugget in the form of its “His Point of View,” courtesy of the Man Manual. At first, I thought this article had been misplaced and was really one of Cosmo’s hilarious “If Guy’s Edited Cosmo” pieces. Unfortunately, the female editors must have let Jonathon Wilde really edit “The Best Times to Impress Him.”

When His Buddy Gets Dumped

Cosmo says: “If your guy’s male pal gets the ax…he has only one job: to help get the dude laid. So give your man the green light to spend more time than usual acting like a wingman.”

Kari says: Uh, in your dreams! First of all, getting his friend’s wallowing ass laid is not going to immediately fix everything, but way to trivialize guys’ emotions (as usual) and suggest that everything will be all better with a little bootay. Second of all, guys out on the prowl + unidentified amount of whiskey + serious lack of common sense or girlfriend cannot end well. There are plenty of men out there who tend to assume a pack mentality, and if their bros are hooking up…

During An Argument

Cosmo Says: Since women are way better at arguing than men, let your guy off the hook whenever you have a disagreement. Instead, do as this awesome girlfriend did and say, “Enough yelling, let’s figure this out over a beer.”

Kari Says: Yes, because alcohol is the perfect way to diffuse a heated situation. On a serious note, though: why should I dismiss an issue that I obviously feel passionately about just because it makes you uncomfortable to discuss it? Furthermore, just because I’m gifted with inherent and badass verbosity doesn’t give you an excuse to be a whiny a-hole about losing arguments (that you’d probably lose even if you were talented at arguing.) I mean, you don’t see me insisting on driving because I’m jealous of your superior spatial reasoning skills. Pssh, with excuses so weak, no wonder why you don’t want to argue with us.

The Session After a Bad Bedroom Session

Cosmo Says: Disregard that time it didn’t go so well, smooth it over by awaiting your man in lingerie and never speaking of it again!

Kari Says: Ok Cosmo, when I was 11 you taught me that the most important part of any relationship was communication. Of course, my then boyfriend Danny didn’t grasp this concept and I immediately dumped him (I’ve always taken your word as law!). So why on Earth should we break the rules now, especially when we’re talking about another key aspect of any bond? I’m not saying that you should dissect what went wrong or draw a diagram for him or anything, but I think it deserves a little discussion, especially if it’s never happened before. That way you can figure out just why the nooky was so lame and happily move on from there.

When He’s Had a Triumph at Work

Cosmo Says: “Guys base a lot of their self-esteem on how they perform at the office. Get excited when he kicks ass at work and it makes him feel really manly.”

Kari Says: Agreed! Every guy deserves props when he’s done something good. (I mean, I love to call my boyfriend and tell him when I got a good grade so we can virtually high-five.) The best part of having a partner is having someone to share your emotions with, especially when they’re happy, “I rock!” emotions. But why stop there? Be proud of your guy even when he does little things that he’s proud of. Using every single day as an opportunity to impress him goes a lot farther than waiting for his bro to get dumped or for his equipment to malfunction.

So what did you think about this month’s Cosmo? Rants? Raves? Obsessed with those Havianas on page 57? Good, me too.

Well, be glad he’s not this guy.

This past Wednesday, a Bronx man sunk to the lowest of douchebaggery lows when he stabbed his newlywed wife’s dog to death after an argument. Brian McCafferty, 28, had only been married to Jeanine Tulimero for a month when they broke out in an argument over McCafferty’s drinking early Wednesday morning. Tulimero became so upset, she left the apartment, only to return 45 minutes later to find her precious beagle, Jerry, stabbed to death.

Neighbors who heard the argument said they heard the puppy yelping and squealing shortly after the door slammed behind Tulimero. After police found a bloody knife inside the apartment, they arrested McCafferty on charges of criminal possession of a weapon, criminal mischief, animal cruelty and reckless endangerment.

There is absolutely no excuse for hurting a defenseless, harmless puppy. And the maliciousness with which this jerkoff maimed poor Jerry is despicable. While not all fellas are winners, Brian McCafferty is a grade-A LOSER with a capital L.

Even though it’s still the summer, my best friends and I have started talk of what to do for spring break. We were thinking of more people to invite and I brought the request up to my current boyfriend.

“If we’re still together by March, would you want to come to Mexico with us?” I asked.

“What do you mean ‘if’?” he replied. “Are you saying you think we’ll break up in the next few months?”

This exchange of words was followed by a rather long argument in which he thought I was being mean and I thought he was being unreasonable. I mean, if you’ve only been going out for 5 months, how far in advance should you really plan? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve planned parts of relationships before but they’ve never quite turned out the way I wanted.

The only long-term relationship I’ve ever had was with a guy who was my first boyfriend, first kiss, first everything basically, and I thought it was one of those “Oh, we’re going to be together forever” type deals. We were so ‘serious’ we had even talked about baby names (I cringe even typing that). Fast forward a year and a half later and we had broken up because I had finally realized what a jealous control freak he was. Not exactly the “forever” scene I had thought of. But I’ll chalk that one up to being 15 and dumb.

But then my last relationship consisted of me buying a Christmas present for my boyfriend three weeks in advance, assuming of course that we would still be together by that day. To my surprise, he dumped me two weeks before Christmas and I was left with tears and a pair of non-refundable gauge earrings. Not to mention I felt completely stupid for thinking we could keep our relationship intact for a few oncoming weeks.

So after all of that, I am definitely hesitant to think more then a few days in advance. Who knows how things will go tomorrow with the boyfriend let alone seven months from now? But is it better to be safe then sorry when in a relationship?

Or should we all just toss our doubts to hell and plan our honeymoon with the guy we’ve been dating for a couple months?

[photo from jupiterimages]

Sometimes, I think finding out that your mate has cheated is a blessing in disguise, because you can sidestep the entire “this isn’t working” discussion and end things in an explosive fight instead. Of course, for those of us who just had to choose nice, faithful boys, it can be hard to let the poor guy down. So, we make up excuses. Sometimes we even lie.

If you don’t think your man can handle the truth (“You’re obviously not going to get any better at foreplay,” “If I have to waste one more Sunday watching football with you and your frat boy buddies, I’m going to slit my own throat,” or, simply, “I can’t wait to bang Johnny from Journalism class, as soon as I get out of these shackles,”) you may want to/be forced to fabricate a reason for ending your exclusive relationship.

Junior year of college, I was in a dead end relationship. I had chased my boyfriend, and won, and within six months, I was bored. I tried so hard to instigate a blow-up, but it never worked. Instead of the ever-dramatic, uber-conclusive “Get out!”/ doorslam combo, my ex started crying and pacing around the halls of my dorm room, where a concerned RA took pity on him and returned him to my doorstep.

I considered a plethora of lies to catapult me back into the singles scene. “It’s not you, it’s me” is too generic an excuse, and when I tried to play that card, the guy started promising to change. I tried to use money as an excuse, arguing that I needed to pick up more shifts at work and spend less money on nights out. That one blew up in my face, since we worked together, and he thought that more work for me would also mean more time we could spend together; he also suggested saving money by staying in and watching movies. By this point, cuddling with him was making my skin crawl, but of course, I bit my tongue and sat through Quentin Tarantino’s Four Rooms. Since he was a pothead, I considered using narcotics as an excuse, but, as a partier myself, I would sound hypocritical, unless I vowed to cut booze out of my life.

How was I ever going to end this one?

Truth be told, it took an ambulance ride and a percocet prescription to get back into the singles scene. I kid you not.

My blessing-in-disguise came in the form of a dislocated knee. I had to take a leave of absence from my waitressing job, where my ex was a cook. Bonus: no awkward post-break-up interaction! I ignored the guy for a couple of days, and then told him that since I was incapacitated, I thought it would be too difficult to continue with the relationship. He was working full-time, after all, and I had to hobble around campus on crutches and crash, exhausted, at the end of the day.

I pretended I was more upset than I really was and said I was going to throw myself into my schoolwork for the rest of the semester. In reality, I was at the bar most nights, crutches and all. But at least I was single at the bar on crutches. It is sad that it took bodily harm to end my relationship, but sometimes there are no other options.

Am I alone on this one? Anyone else ever have some ridiculous story to get out of a relationship?