I feel it is time, time to LEARN, time to take notes….whip out your index cards, your recorders, your brilliant memory and LISTEN: Cougars, know shit we don’t.

If you disagree with me, all I’m going to say is…..if you could bag Ashton Kutcher would you??? RIGHT. So don’t argue with me, we all would. Demi could teach us a lesson or two, or eight.

Us twenty somethings DIDN’T “bag” Kutcher, a cougar did, since cougars have tricks we should add to the “bag” in order to…. “bag.” (Insert cheesy joke here, I couldn’t help myself.)

Obviously, we’ll never be able to compete with time, since, that’s science and time is an uncontrollable factor. However, if we are SMART, we’ll take some of the vampy COUGAR tricks in order to ooze absolute sex appeal, without having to wear “Mom jeans” (if you don’t know “Mom jeans”, look at your mothers flat, heart shaped ass and tell me how much that ISN’T cougar material.)

If we are smart, we already have a step up, since hey, we don’t have to worry about age defying wrinkle cream, menopause, gray hairs…and shit (the “and shit” was added for my immature emphasis.)

So what is a “Cougar” anyway, you ask??

A Cougar: A babe beyond 40. Sex drive on HIGH. Heels, on HIGH. Hair, on HIGH, with the assistance of Aqua Net, and BOOBS, up HIGH.

But most importantly…CONFIDENCE at a soaring dangerous level of: HIGH. Read More »

Have you heard of this new ridiculousness that is taking over the internet?

Last night, while on the phone with my 30 year old brother, who might I preface this article with, is one of the most conservative people I know.

There is quite the age gap between us and he spent my college years lecturing me on why I should never drink the punch, how beer is actually made out of yeast-piss and how that everything I wear, even if it’s a birka or a burlap sack, is too provocative.

So imagine my surprise when he sent me to a porn site.

“Um, I’m sorry, are YOU of all people, sending me to a porn site?”

“Just do it and watch the video in the center, its funny”

Now let me warn you- to be fair- that this is far from funny. If throwing up my dinner is considered funny, then yes, I guess calling this funny would be appropriate. So as I sat there screaming on the phone, my brother and sister-in-law were in fact, highly amused.

Funny is in the eye of the beholder I guess. Read More »

I seriously feel bad for Rumer Willis.

First, her parents go and give her a stupid name like Rumer. It’s not spelled right to be the noun (or transitive verb), so her name is basically a made-up word that sounds like the thing your worst enemy spreads about you in high school.

Second, her mom goes and marries a guy only a few years older than her. So now she’s got a perpetual kid in a trucker hat as a dad, and probably has to fight off urges to A) sleep with him herself or B) picture him naked with her mom.

Thirdly, her real dad has been known to rub up against every hot young thing in Hollywood.

Gross.

And as if all that wasn’t enough, she’s got some of the worst genes I’ve seen in a while.

It’s totally not her fault, but I mean, who knew that Bruce Willis and Demi Moore would combine to create someone…so round? I’ve truly never seen a face so oval in my life, and her newest choice of hair color isn’t helping things.

PerezHilton can’t stand her, and always calls her out on whatever she tries to do to divert attention away from her radically round head.

If I were her, I’d be crying every night from some of the things he writes.

While I consider myself to be above insulting someone’s genetic make-up, I’m not above saying that if I were Rumer Willis, I’d be pretty damn pissed at my parents. Read More »

Nerds and Sorority girls. They go together like a John Hughes movie and the 80′s.

Which is probably why Washington State’s Linux Users Group (the university’s largest computer club) has decided put out a memo to all the sororities on campus: “Make us over, and we’ll do your homework.”

In an effort to attract more women to the computer science program (and get a free haircut), the “nerds” of WSU’s Linux Club plan to host a “nerd auction”.

“You can buy a nerd and he’ll fix your computer”, their website explains, “help you with stats homework, or if you’re really adventurous, take you to dinner!”

But before the computer loving dudes go through with the auction, they’re looking for a few good sorority girls to make them more appealing.

“If anyone’s going to bid on us, we’ll need some spicing up. And who better to help with that than sorority girls who like nothing better than a makeover?”

While the whole “Beauty and the Greek” (sound familiar to anyone?) event is still in the planning stages, WSU’s computer program has garnered national attention because of it.

Will the idea bring more chicks into the lives of these self-described nerds? Of course!

Will the girls stick around? No f*cking way. Read More »

So 25% of women like to have sex with other women? 100% of soon-to-be disappointed men are convinced they’re getting a threesome tonight… (PinkNews.co.uk)

Speaking of disappointments, a Florida teen is going to jail for 30 days for posting naked pics of his ex on MySpace. But, who will check his messages while he’s gone?? (ABC 7 Sarasota)

Beethoven was killed, people! His doctor killed him! 180 years ago! Seriously, we should all care about this! (Yahoo)

Just in case you needed another reason to think that My Chemical Romance is pretty lame. (ABC 50 NY)

God decided he wanted to go all Ashton Kutcher on Australia and put bubble bath (or something)…in the ocean. Pure glee ensues! Lucky Australians. (TheSun.co.uk)