Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over. You know there’s a lot of funny things to be heard on your campus, so get to it. We’ll throw them in a future post!

Professor, pointing at an Asian girl.
Professor:  That’s how they do it in China, right?
Girl: What the hell is he talking about?

Two girls at a basketball game.
Girl 1: The coach has his own brand of wine.
Girl 2: Really? I knew he had a pasta sauce.
Girl 1: Yup, wine too. And a diaper. His face pops up on the back when it needs to be changed.

Two girls, walking through the mud after a football game.
Girl 1: I want to make a really inappropriate joke.
Girl 2: Is it a Trail of Tears joke?
Girl 1: Okay, yeah.

Girl, on a bus.
Girl: We have to stop. Otherwise I’m going to explode and spray hot urine everywhere.

Girl, on the phone.
Girl: I was trying to masturbate, and I couldn’t do it. I had to stop. I just kept thinking about his moustache.

Guy, talking to a girl.
Guy: Did you gain, like, 600 pounds?
Girl: I don’t think so.
Guy: Good, ’cause I saw some huge woman, and I wasn’t sure whether to say hi.

Girl, in a shopping center.
Girl: Hey, you, uh … you lookin’ at my dick? Why don’t I just … put this beehive on it?

Guy, on a bus.
Guy: Beards are just like women’s periods. They’re kind of annoying, but you can get rid of them whenever you want.

Guy, girls, chatting outside class.
Guy: I always get sick after finals. Like, cause they kick my ass for a week.
Girl: Wait? What? You pick your ass for a week? What?
Guy: No.

Girls talking over lunch.
Girl 1: So what would we do if we woke up as boys?
Girl 2: Probably pee standing up.
Girl 3: Have sex with a woman.
Girl 4 (walking over): I would want to jump with a boner.

Professor, talking in lecture.
I would pull my pants down, but that might get me arrested.

There’s a great many things to do and places to see in this world of ours.  As humans, our lives are pretty short (and if you party like I do, it’s probably going to be even shorter).  So we have to prioritize!  We have brains for a reason and that reason is…reasoning (well, at least some of us use them for that purpose: see comment about partying above).  Let me be your voice of reason as I show you all the things you should be doing right here, right now.

Let’s look at the facts – our economy is bad, everyone is cutting back, no one has money (maybe that’s just me), and even the weather is bad.   If there was ever a time that vacations were needed, it’s now.  Whatever happened to the glory days of the traditional random college backpacking trip or the “I need to find myself” adventure to who-knows-where?  Well, go find yourself!  Actually, I already found you – you’re in Japan. And you’re having the time of your life.

Here’s just a few of the reasons why you should go to Japan:

Hot Guys – Scoff if you must, but Japanese guys are very good looking.  High cheekbones, sweet lips, fabulous hair, impeccable style, etc.  They also tend to be edgy (underground music scene and such) and they know how to party (think long nights stomping around the different bars, clubs, and karaoke rooms of Tokyo).  But they’re not all play – these guys know how to put their pretty noses to the grindstone and they come out all sexy and intelligent on the other end (having a job doesn’t hurt, either).

Fashion – If you want new fashion and edgy style, then Tokyo is your city.  They are unafraid to try new things and you’ll see some things walking around that you’d never have thought of…until you saw it next year on a runway in Milan.  Luckily, most of the cool stuff is pretty cheap because they love a good deal in Japan.  Find your way to Harajuku or Shibuya (both parts of Tokyo) and you’ll come out with bags upon bags of happy.  Just expect some serious stares when you get back to the US.

Food – The immediate thought is, of course, “sushi.”  Sushi is amazing in Japan, but much the same as the good-quality sushi restaurants that we have here in the US.  If you really want good food, get yourself to the countryside or some city street vendors.  Can you say “yakitori”??  Well, you will after a couple glasses of plum wine.  Don’t forget – Japan is the place that Kobe beef come from, so you can never go wrong with a beef dish.

History -  If you’re a history buff (or you’re just looking to give some validation to your random trip to Japan by visiting castle and whatnot), then you probably are already aware of all the amazing things that are packed into that tiny little island.  Monuments are a favorite of Japanese people and you will probably notice the massive amounts of schoolchildren in cute little uniforms blocking your view of the giant wooden Buddha or whichever monument you choose to see.

Scenery – To start, the architecture is amazing.  Tokyo is arguably the most beautiful modern city in the world, filled with lights and shiny objects (yayyy shiny objects!).  Kyoto is another amazing city, filled with equal parts old-school temples and buildings as well as the technological wonders you find in Tokyo.  Venturing beyond cities, you’ll find mountains and rolling fields of awesomeness, not to mention the seaside and even a big inland freshwater lake!

Culture – From tea ceremonies to karaoke, you’ll never want for an interesting cultural experience.  More often than not, you’ll feel like a fish out of water, hopelessly opening and closing your mouth while you gape at whatever is happening in front of you.  But don’t worry!  Japanese people are, for the most part, very friendly and warm and they will do all they can to include you in their culture…even if that means pushing a prayer stick  in your hand and then making you walk across a pile of burning logs.  But I digress…

When you come back from Japan, you’ll be stylish, experienced, well-traveled, and sporting a couple of hot Japanese boy toys.  And, if you were a good little traveler, you’ll be able to impress your friends with some sweet Japanese phrases (“Watashi no nihongo wa heta desu!”) while you make them look at all your photos.

As an Asian, I’m unable to fully understand how many Americans can’t use chopsticks. Especially my friends. I thought I’d rubbed off on them enough to take them to a local Chinese fast-food place this past weekend. Guess not.

“How can people use two little wooden sticks to eat food?!” <Looks at the food. Looks at the chopsticks. Wipes hands then digs in. With hands.>

“Is this why Chinese people are so skinny?” <Does several frantic scooping motions with the chopsticks, ultimately picking up one grain of rice.>

“I’m too hungry for this! I give up.” <Throws one chopstick on the table and proceeds to stab the chicken and veggies with the other. Makes chicken kebab.>

(All of this while the group of Asians a table over looks at us in distaste. And silently condemns me for not teaching them the sacred Chinese tradition.)

Well, this doesn’t have to be you! After you make these awesome rubber-band chopsticks, you’ll never face disgrace at Panda Express again.

Materials

1 pair of paper-sleeved chopsticks (the kind you get at fast-food joints)
1 rubber-band (thin ones work better)

Steps

1) Remove the chopsticks from the paper sleeve and separate them into two sticks.
2) Take the paper sleeve and roll-and-fold from the bottom all the way up, until you’re left with a small rectangular shape.
3) Place the folded-up paper onto one stick about an inch from the top (the top is the thickest part) and place the other stick on top of the paper, so that the paper is sandwiched in the middle.
4) Take the rubber band and begin wrapping at the very top of the chopsticks above the paper.
5) Keep on wrapping the rubber band around the two now-intertwined chopsticks (how you wrap it isn’t really important, just make sure you keep wrapping until there’s no more slack)
6) You’re done! Since the paper creates a little leverage in the middle, you’re all ready to squeeze and eat like a real Asian.

Now that you are a chopstick pro, here are some recipes for you to test your new skills on!

Sweet and Sour Wontons

Szechuan Braised Meatballs

Shrimp Fried Rice

Chinese Chicken and Mushroom Lettuce Cups

Rice Congee

Ma Po Tofu

Green Tea Ice Cream

So, now that it’s the 21st century and all, NPR’s Web site has an article proposing the idea that—gasp—Gedde Watanabe’s character in Sixteen Candles, Long Duk Dong, might be a racist caricature that doesn’t actually represent every single Asian on Earth, ever.Fetch me the smelling salts, because I think I’ve fainted of surprise.

This would probably be a good time to come clean and mention that I’ve never actually seen Sixteen Candles, so maybe the character of Long Duk Dong is unfathomably racist and I’m just too cinematically uncultured to know that. But my money’s still on no.

The thing is, everyone with half a brain knows that characters like Long Duk Dong are thrown in movies for comic relief. And that means they’re not supposed to be taken seriously. Now, if Hollywood started cranking out drama-rama Academy Award contenders that were overflowing with stereotyped ethnic characters, that would be one thing. But they’re not, because no one’s that stupid.

Even though I haven’t seen Sixteen Candles, I have seen That ‘70s Show, and it seems to me from reading the NPR article that Long Duk Dong is a little bit like Fez. No one really knows where Fez is from, but he’s a stereotype anyway. Does anyone seriously watch an episode of That ‘70s Show and get the idea that all foreign exchange students are exactly like Fez? Um, no.

In the article, even Gedde Watanabe himself said “it took me a while to understand” exactly why a bunch of people were getting angry about the character he played. Here’s a clue: if the dude himself has Asian heritage and can’t understand why others are offended by the character he’s voluntarily playing, then other people shouldn’t waste their time being offended, either.

After all, isn’t it so much easier to just laugh than get angry? I wish a few more people would snatch a leaf out of Long Duk Dong’s book.

There are actually 10,000 students that believe the show would clash with Asian values and more specifically Islamic. Believing that the company sponsoring the show, Maxis is responsible for exposing youth to a moral decay. Apparently Stefani is believed to contribute to the systemic erosion of morality in Malaysia when in the states we thought all she did was make great dance/rock music and design cute clothing lines.

Apparently a subject of great controversy “The Sweet Escape Tour” will not be escaping to Malaysia anytime soon. Stefani has cancelled the dates because of the stirring controversy being reported. But none the less Gwen has always been moral, never overly overtly sexual or disempowering.

If anything Stefani was always the great role model, the fabulous mother or the talented musician never ever the smut-peddler! Looks like Stefani will be sitting this one out in Malaysia but the show must go on. The sweet escape tour continues to Australia and then she is off to Japan for a much sweeter reception from millions of screaming Harajuku lovers. But we mustn’t forget she is after all Just a Girl, not with a moral vengeance, just a great musical talent and flawless public persona.