Dude,

I am dating this guy who everyone else thinks is this amazing guy. And I guess from what they see, he is pretty amazing. He is constantly telling me how beautiful I am, how wonderful I am, and how lucky he is. Now, that’s all great and sh*t, but I guess I should tell you a bit more…

He does that stuff all the time. Treats me nicely. Takes me on dates. Cuddles with me. Blah blah blah. BUTTTTTT, there’s this other side to him that no one knows about except me.

He does NOT invite me to hang with him and his friends… ever. He never wants me around them. It’s not like his friends are drug dealing murderers, either. I’ve met a few of them and they’re great guys! Sometimes I’ll call him and he’ll say, “Well I’m just over here at Josh’s. We’re having taco night! It’s so much fun!” And on the other line I’m waiting for him to invite me over. I like tacos, too!! One night I got frustrated waiting on him to invite me so I just went over. And it was so super awkward. He like latched onto me for dear life and made me feel like I had just crashed boys night. It’s not like I was the only girl there, though! Some of their friends who are girls were there, too.

Another thing – he doesn’t spend time with my friends either. If they are around, he says things to me like, “I wish it was just us, that’s all.” My roommate is my best friend and he makes her feel uncomfortable in her own home. It sucks. I don’t know why he’s acting like that.

It’s not like we’re having some secret relationship where he doesn’t want his friends to know we’re dating. He shows me off to everyone! I just feel like a trophy girlfriend. I feel like he sees only the surface and not me for who I really am. What do I say to this guy?? Am I overreacting?? Is this normal? Do guys do this all the time? What’s really going on here???

HELP.
– Left Out Read More »

Dear Dude,

My long distance 3-year boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago. We had been dating from his sophomore year in college until now; I had stayed home and he went to school 3 hours away. I would visit whenever I could, and he would come home for breaks. We became really close and honestly the relationship was really easy. He never cheated and he always called and texted. And I thought waiting for him to come home was right. Yet, 3 years later, we are both 10 min away from each other and he decided to break up with me 7 days before V-Day.  He said he was sorry because he should be feeling more confident about our relationship. He doesn’t think he’s ready for the seriousness that a 3-year relationship means. I am his second girlfriend, and he feels that he cannot become more serious until he dates other people.

Now my question is, if he broke up with me to date other people then WHY is he still acting like we did when we were dating? Instead of going out on a Thursday night with his guy friends and picking up chicks he is at my house watching TV. He texts me constantly, and is writing on my Facebook more now than he did when we were dating.

I confronted him today and asked him what was going on but all he could say is that he was so sorry and he didn’t know what he wants. I cut him off from my Facebook, and deleted him from my phone but something just doesn’t feel right. This is the first guy I have ever been with that I wanted to fight for, but I don’t see how that is going to help. I don’t know what my next steps are from here, and being out of school and stuck at home I have no rebound to consider. DO I try and be friends with him? Or cut him off and just move on?

Help me,
Confused

Dear Confused,

3 years, s’long time to be a champion girlfriend (first person who gets that reference, write in and I will personally send you a prize).

A long distance relationship for that amount of time can sometimes be seen as more of the CZ or Splenda to the real deal. A lot of people use long distance over a long period of time as a safety net from putting themselves out there. It becomes a protective bubble. This avoids the possibility of getting hurt and dealing with the complexities/intricacies/intimacies of a face-to-face relationship.  Then, when the distance disappears, the bubble bursts.

I’m not saying all long distance relationships are BS. Not in the least. I’ve known plenty where the two people involved came back together and re-discovered each other. They also discovered that how they’d grown while apart didn’t exclude them from growing together from that moment of reunion. However, I’ve known a bunch that was more like the ones described in the paragraph above. Based on what you’ve told me, yours seems to fall into the “category” of the former.

The old saying that girls mature faster than guys, well, it’s true. There’s this idea put into a guy’s head, or so it seems, that if he doesn’t have sex with at least a half dozen women or is involved in less than five relationships then there’s no possible way he can be ready to settle down into something meaningful. Now that is BS.

When you find the right person, been together for years, grown together for years, fill voids, and challenge each other into becoming the best version of yourself you’ve ever known yourself to be, then it’s right. I don’t care if that’s your first girlfriend or your hundredth. But your boy seems to have drunk the convoluted “manswer” Kool-Aid.

I think you’re on a good path. You can’t sit idly by and twiddle your thumbs while he figures out what he wants. You’ve got to determine for yourself what you want. If that is him, then by all means fight for him. If he’s not worth the crap he’s making you go through, then move on.

I’m a believer in having and making choices. No matter the situation, one’s always there. Just because right now you feel like you don’t have a rebound and you might be depressed about being back with your folks after school (which millions of college kids are doing these days, so don’t feel ashamed about that) doesn’t mean you have to take him back.

It can feel like your options are limited. It can seem like there’re only two paths and neither is appealing. It might be the reality or it might, in part, be your own judging of yourself. But you can still choose. Don’t choose out of default or feeling trapped. That will limit your possibilities and that will take away your confidence in being able to make decisions for your life.

So I say reevaluate your options, come at it from a fresh place with as fresh a perspective as you can. It sounds like you’ve already taken great steps to get there. Once you’re there, make the choice. My choice would be to move on. But only you are you. So only you can make the best choice for you.

Letting it bleed,
Dude Jagger

[He's good, right? Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

Dude,

So my boyfriend and I have been going strong for a few months now. Here’s the one thing that really bothers me about him, though: He was not atracted to me when we first met (last year). He said he didn’t think that I was that pretty but that now he thinks I am. I can’t get over the fact that he thought I wasn’t hot. What does this mean for our relationship?

– Budding Beauty Read More »

Dear Dude,

I’ve got a bit of a dilemma on my hands.  I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve come close, but no guy ever wanted to be more than a fling or something other than a friend. I have, not unlike a recent post to you, been perpetually pushed into the friend zone. Something of a specialty of mine.  I suppose in compliment to me, most guys I’ve hooked up with (I mean PG level hookup only..I’m not the type to go all the way without a relationship) in the past have always wanted to maintain an active friendship with me and are usually making the bigger effort. All the while making it clear they want nothing else.

This has been fine and it’s nice to have guys as close friends I can rely on, and feel wanted by in a respected way.  What becomes a problem is my position as not only a friend, but I tend to become a pseudo-girlfriend without any of the actual benefits or titles thereof.  Time and time again I will befriend a guy, we’ll be close and I somehow become the one he calls every Friday or Saturday night to chat. At one point, one of my best guy friends and I were around each other so much most people assumed we were dating.  Normally I’m happy to have close friendships like this; after all it gives me company too and I appreciate the friendship that’s there.

But every time without fail, no matter how long we’ve been friends, as soon as another girl enters the picture as a potential love interest or relationship everything drops off the map. A guy friend I talked to every week or for ages, all of a sudden I don’t hear from for months. No explanation, no real responses to my messages/texts, nothing. At least two of these cases it’s only me that the guy seems to be ignoring more, not his guy friends. Read More »

Dear Dude,

I’ve been dating this fella for about five weeks.  We get along well, we enjoy each other’s company, he’s good to me, he’s always treated me like a lady, he’s changed some of his habits for me, and he’s a sweetheart.  Here’s the thing though: I don’t want him.  I don’t feel that “spark” with him. I want to end things with this guy, but I’m not sure how to.  I can’t exactly tell him the truth, although I have talked to him about the lack of “spark” I feel and that didn’t seem to bug him.  Yet, I don’t want to give the lame “It’s not you, it’s me” excuse.  He’s a good man, Dude.  He’s just not my happily ever after. So, what can I tell him that will end things but not break his heart?

Sincerely,
Don’t Go Breakin’ His Heart Read More »

Dear Dude,

My best friend came clean this summer and told me he has had feelings for me since the eighth grade (six years). There is one problem: he has had a girlfriend for a little over two and a half years. He told me he is losing interest in her, she is not his type, and he hates so many things about her; she was just the girl he needed at the time. He tells me I am beautiful and always makes me feel special. He and I have so much in common – we hung out all summer (he saw me more than his girlfriend), his mother even told him to break up with his girlfriend for me. He is the perfect guy for me he is really sweet and romantic and knows absolutely everything about me. I know him better than anyone else and he knows me just as well.

I went to visit him at school this year and I met all of his friends and they kept asking him if I was his new girlfriend. The day I had to leave to go back to my school he told me he didn’t know what he was still doing with his current girlfriend and every time his friends asked him if I was his new girlfriend he wanted to say yes. He also told me every time he sees me his feelings for me grow stronger and stronger.

I started to get sick of him telling me about all of his feelings for me and not doing anything about it. So I took some advice from my sister and told him that I couldn’t wait around for him. He broke up with his girlfriend. We didn’t talk for a few days, which is not normal at all because we talk all day and every day. I understand he needed space and time to think, but later that weekend he deleted me off of Facebook. I asked him what was going on and he told me his ex made him do it. That night he told me he might be getting back with his her because losing her for two days made him realize that everything he hated about her didn’t matter to him anymore. When he said that, it made me feel like he was telling me that I was not worth it. He made me promise to be his best friend forever because he needs me in his life.  He also told me he wishes I would have had feelings for him sooner because we would probably be together, and now he wants his feelings for me to fade because he knows they will never go away.

Is he just afraid of change? Did I mess everything up? Should I wait around for him? Would it be a bad idea to see him over Thanksgiving break? I don’t think I know how to move on from him – what should I do?

I’m in need of major advice,
Broken Hearted Girl Read More »

Dear Dude,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 6 months, and with school and work starting, it feels like the “honeymoon” period is finally over. The thing is, I don’t understand why the honeymoon period has to be over and what’s so great about the next phase. Is it supposed to be better that he doesn’t do/say cute things anymore because he doesn’t have to show or prove his feelings and he has me secured as a girlfriend? What’s the line between being taken for granted and trusting that just because the honeymoon is over doesn’t mean the feelings are gone?

What is so great about not being in the honeymoon?

I’m also worried that this is part of something bigger. We live a little farther away now that he’s graduated and working, and I understand that he doesn’t have to be giddy to talk to me all the time, but I feel like we already have not as much time to see each other or talk – shouldn’t he be more excited when we do get a chance? He still has done nice things like taking me to dinner and letting me know where he is, but I can’t seem to appreciate it the same way knowing that I’ll barely see/talk to him during the week. Also I wonder if he’s only doing it out of obligation – obviously I don’t want him to do things for me if the feeling’s not there. At times I’ve also felt like I should only talk to him when he’s not too busy or it’s a better time. I guess I’m just wondering – is this normal in the post-honeymoon phase? Does having the honeymoon over mean that I can’t expect lovey-dovey cutesy things? Am I just being totally paranoid or how do I know that this is a relationship worth keeping?

- Wanting the Honeymoon Back Read More »

Dearest Dude,

So, basically my boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. We met in college, and after spending the first year and a half together at the same school he (due to unfortunate circumstances) has had to relocate and go somewhere else. We get along pretty well, although it’s been pretty hard for me to be back at school this fall without him here and all of those reminders…blah blah blah..

Anyways, the thing I’m most bothered about recently is our communication from day to day. Yes, we usually talk every day, but sometimes it’s not even until night time online and/or texting or something. I wonder if girls are different than guys. Do we like to keep in touch more than guys? Do they think nothing of it if they only talk to us at night or at any given point during the day? I’ve just felt like I like to keep in touch more with the distance because my day goes by quicker with a few texts here and there, but he seems content some days just waiting all day to answer a text, or to even initiate conversation. Is this weird? Lately, I’ve been trying to wait around for him to say stuff so that he doesn’t think I’m needy or that I can’t live without him, but it’s quite frustrating to not hear anything all day and wait until I’m on AIM or something at night. Even if I’m going to class or working or whatever, I’d still do my best to talk to him, so why isn’t this the same for him as a guy?

– Seriously Confused & Agitated Read More »

Dear Dude,

So I’ve been feeling this guy for a while and last week after some serious making out we ended up hooking up at his place. No sex, just everything but, and in the morning I got my stuff and left cause I had a project to work on. I’m not naive. I understand that this was just a hookup and nothing serious, but the thing is I am friends with this guy. Or was, anyway.

I’m friends with his friends since we’re all in the same school organization and go out all the time. Before the hookup, him and I were cool and would all party together. Now that we hooked up, though, he’s acting like a total ass. Every time I see him out he barely says hi, he doesn’t text me back if I ask him where everyone’s heading out to the bars, and I feel like just saying hi to him he takes as me throwing myself on him. WTF?!

I am NOT expecting anything remotely serious out of what happened or even a regular hookup kind of a situation…I honestly would like us to stay cool and be friends. I don’t understand why he’s acting like a total tool and can’t be cool about this. If you could help me sort this all out, that’d be great!

Thanks,
Confused and Upset Read More »

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question (Are guys into the LDR?) over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dear Dude,

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 6 months now. We live about two hours apart but see each other at least once a week for a few days at a time. Apart from the occasional argument, all in all we’re really happy. But there is one thing that’s bugging me… He never wants sex!

For the first two or three months, we didn’t see each other much (every few weeks). But when we were together, we were all over each other and he was very generous in bed. And then when we were apart we would send each other dirty texts etc, etc. However, this didn’t last long. Now we see each other really frequently (spent pretty much the whole summer together) and now it seems like I’m the only one who ever initiates anything, and he often says no when I do initiate. If I start kissing him in a certain way or touching him he asks me what I’m doing, and if he gets turned on he says something like “look what you’ve done!” in a kind of jokey way but it signifies that any activity I was hoping for is over. When I’m flirty or suggestive he just tells me that I’m so cheeky but never responds, and genuinely seems to have very little interest in being intimate. I often feel like I’m almost forcing him to let me do anything to him and  I can’t remember the last time he’s done anything to me. Read More »