Dude,

I am dating this guy who everyone else thinks is this amazing guy. And I guess from what they see, he is pretty amazing. He is constantly telling me how beautiful I am, how wonderful I am, and how lucky he is. Now, that’s all great and sh*t, but I guess I should tell you a bit more…

He does that stuff all the time. Treats me nicely. Takes me on dates. Cuddles with me. Blah blah blah. BUTTTTTT, there’s this other side to him that no one knows about except me.

He does NOT invite me to hang with him and his friends… ever. He never wants me around them. It’s not like his friends are drug dealing murderers, either. I’ve met a few of them and they’re great guys! Sometimes I’ll call him and he’ll say, “Well I’m just over here at Josh’s. We’re having taco night! It’s so much fun!” And on the other line I’m waiting for him to invite me over. I like tacos, too!! One night I got frustrated waiting on him to invite me so I just went over. And it was so super awkward. He like latched onto me for dear life and made me feel like I had just crashed boys night. It’s not like I was the only girl there, though! Some of their friends who are girls were there, too.

Another thing – he doesn’t spend time with my friends either. If they are around, he says things to me like, “I wish it was just us, that’s all.” My roommate is my best friend and he makes her feel uncomfortable in her own home. It sucks. I don’t know why he’s acting like that.

It’s not like we’re having some secret relationship where he doesn’t want his friends to know we’re dating. He shows me off to everyone! I just feel like a trophy girlfriend. I feel like he sees only the surface and not me for who I really am. What do I say to this guy?? Am I overreacting?? Is this normal? Do guys do this all the time? What’s really going on here???

HELP.
– Left Out Dear Left Out,

Trophy Girlfriend: One that is paraded around to enhance a man’s ego amongst his peers and strangers. She is treated more like a pet than a person. He shows her off but does not include her. He uses her to create a positive reflection of himself in the eyes of others but does not make a reciprocal effort to be apart of her life.

Does this sound like you? It does from where I’m writing (a secret Dude bunker in a Tunisian cave?) I fear that you’ve found yourself in a position where you might as well be covered in gold plastic with a crappy plate at your base saying: Best Girlfriend. Unfortunately, you’re not a girlfriend. You’re the key to his status as an “alpha-male.” Dump the loser.

Usually I try to keep a level of objectivity in the column. Not this week. This is the kind of guy I loathe. Dump him fast and dump him brutal. Tarring and feathering may be a bit outdated, but if shoulder pads can make a comeback…just trying to give you options.

Yes, a boyfriend who wants to show affection to his better half can do so by giving her compliments on how attractive he finds her. But he’d also make it a point to make her feel included in his life, to integrate their relationship with at least some of his friendships, and to assure her that she’s a top priority, if not the top priority. Now, the d-bag narcissist who sees the gal on his arm as an accessory meant to accentuate his awesomeness, well, he’ll just off empty words. He’ll rattle of compliments to make you seem appreciated so that you’ll smile when he takes you out. He’ll spend money on you if he can afford it to showcase that he has means to shower on a hot girl. Finance becomes a laurel to enhance the trophy girlfriend which is used to enhance himself. Do we see a pattern emerging?

He’s got a one track mind: him. You’re the Armani suit he breaks out to make himself look good to others. Dump him. All he’s doing is undermining your sense of worth and confidence. He’s reducing you from person to toy poodle. Don’t let it continue. Neuter the relationship. “Fix” him before he “fixes” you. This is about protecting yourself now, not about trying to avoid hurting him. Then you and your roommate go out on the town and celebrate being d-bag free. Trust me. You’ll see…

It’s all happening,
The Dude

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Dear Dude,

My long distance 3-year boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago. We had been dating from his sophomore year in college until now; I had stayed home and he went to school 3 hours away. I would visit whenever I could, and he would come home for breaks. We became really close and honestly the relationship was really easy. He never cheated and he always called and texted. And I thought waiting for him to come home was right. Yet, 3 years later, we are both 10 min away from each other and he decided to break up with me 7 days before V-Day.  He said he was sorry because he should be feeling more confident about our relationship. He doesn’t think he’s ready for the seriousness that a 3-year relationship means. I am his second girlfriend, and he feels that he cannot become more serious until he dates other people.

Now my question is, if he broke up with me to date other people then WHY is he still acting like we did when we were dating? Instead of going out on a Thursday night with his guy friends and picking up chicks he is at my house watching TV. He texts me constantly, and is writing on my Facebook more now than he did when we were dating.

I confronted him today and asked him what was going on but all he could say is that he was so sorry and he didn’t know what he wants. I cut him off from my Facebook, and deleted him from my phone but something just doesn’t feel right. This is the first guy I have ever been with that I wanted to fight for, but I don’t see how that is going to help. I don’t know what my next steps are from here, and being out of school and stuck at home I have no rebound to consider. DO I try and be friends with him? Or cut him off and just move on?

Help me,
Confused

Dear Confused,

3 years, s’long time to be a champion girlfriend (first person who gets that reference, write in and I will personally send you a prize).

A long distance relationship for that amount of time can sometimes be seen as more of the CZ or Splenda to the real deal. A lot of people use long distance over a long period of time as a safety net from putting themselves out there. It becomes a protective bubble. This avoids the possibility of getting hurt and dealing with the complexities/intricacies/intimacies of a face-to-face relationship.  Then, when the distance disappears, the bubble bursts.

I’m not saying all long distance relationships are BS. Not in the least. I’ve known plenty where the two people involved came back together and re-discovered each other. They also discovered that how they’d grown while apart didn’t exclude them from growing together from that moment of reunion. However, I’ve known a bunch that was more like the ones described in the paragraph above. Based on what you’ve told me, yours seems to fall into the “category” of the former.

The old saying that girls mature faster than guys, well, it’s true. There’s this idea put into a guy’s head, or so it seems, that if he doesn’t have sex with at least a half dozen women or is involved in less than five relationships then there’s no possible way he can be ready to settle down into something meaningful. Now that is BS.

When you find the right person, been together for years, grown together for years, fill voids, and challenge each other into becoming the best version of yourself you’ve ever known yourself to be, then it’s right. I don’t care if that’s your first girlfriend or your hundredth. But your boy seems to have drunk the convoluted “manswer” Kool-Aid.

I think you’re on a good path. You can’t sit idly by and twiddle your thumbs while he figures out what he wants. You’ve got to determine for yourself what you want. If that is him, then by all means fight for him. If he’s not worth the crap he’s making you go through, then move on.

I’m a believer in having and making choices. No matter the situation, one’s always there. Just because right now you feel like you don’t have a rebound and you might be depressed about being back with your folks after school (which millions of college kids are doing these days, so don’t feel ashamed about that) doesn’t mean you have to take him back.

It can feel like your options are limited. It can seem like there’re only two paths and neither is appealing. It might be the reality or it might, in part, be your own judging of yourself. But you can still choose. Don’t choose out of default or feeling trapped. That will limit your possibilities and that will take away your confidence in being able to make decisions for your life.

So I say reevaluate your options, come at it from a fresh place with as fresh a perspective as you can. It sounds like you’ve already taken great steps to get there. Once you’re there, make the choice. My choice would be to move on. But only you are you. So only you can make the best choice for you.

Letting it bleed,
Dude Jagger

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Dude,

So my boyfriend and I have been going strong for a few months now. Here’s the one thing that really bothers me about him, though: He was not atracted to me when we first met (last year). He said he didn’t think that I was that pretty but that now he thinks I am. I can’t get over the fact that he thought I wasn’t hot. What does this mean for our relationship?

– Budding Beauty

Dear Budding Beauty,

What it means is that you’re shallow? Insecure? Looking for a way out? Scared of commitment?

If you’re hung up on the past then you’re dooming your future. It’s simple cosmic arithmetic to creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. You begin to get insecure about how your relationship started, thus become insecure about what your relationship is, then start doubting your relationship can last, and causing behavior that either pushes him to break up with you or you just decide to “protect yourself” by breaking up with him.

What difference does it make if you’re with him now and he cares about you now and you care about him now? Only the difference you make out of it. So resist the urge to make a mountain out of a nanobyte.

What you’re engaging in is called self-sabotage. Why? That one I can’t answer based on your question. What I can say is that a lot of couples end up together who didn’t think they would when they first met. Yours isn’t a new case or an exception to any rule. Sometimes it’s the second or third time you meet a person when the sparks start. It’s certainly happened to me and almost every other guy I’ve ever met at least once. The only significance might be that at the time you met he was hung up on some other girl or he wasn’t in the mindset.

You might be worried about how strong your relationship is and are looking for the Achilles Heel. Be careful or you might just create one.

So, relax, go with it instead of trying to fight against it. You’d be amazed what can happen when you allow yourself to be happy in a good relationship. Trust me; love doesn’t always happen at first sight.

Up, up, and away,
The Dude

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Dear Dude,

I’ve got a bit of a dilemma on my hands.  I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve come close, but no guy ever wanted to be more than a fling or something other than a friend. I have, not unlike a recent post to you, been perpetually pushed into the friend zone. Something of a specialty of mine.  I suppose in compliment to me, most guys I’ve hooked up with (I mean PG level hookup only..I’m not the type to go all the way without a relationship) in the past have always wanted to maintain an active friendship with me and are usually making the bigger effort. All the while making it clear they want nothing else.

This has been fine and it’s nice to have guys as close friends I can rely on, and feel wanted by in a respected way.  What becomes a problem is my position as not only a friend, but I tend to become a pseudo-girlfriend without any of the actual benefits or titles thereof.  Time and time again I will befriend a guy, we’ll be close and I somehow become the one he calls every Friday or Saturday night to chat. At one point, one of my best guy friends and I were around each other so much most people assumed we were dating.  Normally I’m happy to have close friendships like this; after all it gives me company too and I appreciate the friendship that’s there.

But every time without fail, no matter how long we’ve been friends, as soon as another girl enters the picture as a potential love interest or relationship everything drops off the map. A guy friend I talked to every week or for ages, all of a sudden I don’t hear from for months. No explanation, no real responses to my messages/texts, nothing. At least two of these cases it’s only me that the guy seems to be ignoring more, not his guy friends.

Maybe I’m a pushover, I shouldn’t be talking to them that much in the first place. I guess I cave when I’m a bit lonely too..but more often because I genuinely enjoy the friendships I have while it’s happening.  In some of these cases I guess I’m holding out hope he’ll eventually want something more with me or even if not, I’ll have a good guy friend I can rely on when we’re both in other relationships.  That never happens and the few times I’ve made the leap to make the first move, the guys have made it clear that they didn’t like me that way.

The worst part is, while I’m in these pseudo-relationships I can’t actually be on my way to finding a real one, because the talking the hangouts happen with every guy and I have no idea how I’m supposed to know the difference between the ones I should and shouldn’t waste my time on… I’m out of angles!

Very stuck here, dude and no idea how to get out of it.  Would appreciate anything you have to offer on this.

Sincerely,
The Temporary Replacement

Dear The Temporary Replacement,

Trust me when I tell you, there’s a flipside of the coin for guys who are in your situation as well.

They’re called The Surrogate Boyfriend.

This is the guy used for company, attention, affection, and to provide a comfort zone as well the almighty ego boost for a single gal. Usually, this gal has just gotten out of a relationship. Does the gal ever want to or think about dating her surrogate? Nope. Does the surrogate usually end up in this position because he has feelings of the non-platonic type for the gal? Yup. Then, the next Mr. Wrong comes into her life and the surrogate is abandoned until another girl needs a “pick me up”. I understand EXACTLY where you’re coming from. And I think I can help you get unstuck from the surrogate station…

First of all, I want to applaud you for doing what most surrogates are almost never able to do: make a move. Most people end up in the friend zone because of fear, wanting to people please, wanting to impress the other person while not having to risk anything and a host of other protective reasons. Well, that passive aggressive approach gets you trapped in the role of BFF. Meanwhile, the bitch who can barely walk from too many tequila shots but has the balls to let him know she wants to f*ck him usually bypasses the months of signals you’ve been dropping and brownie points you’ve been earning by “being there” for him. One need look no further for evidence that the world does not spin on fairness but on action, timing, opportunity, and luck. The hitch in your giddy-up is that you say you have made the move in the past and been turned away. Which I imagine only makes it harder to put yourself out there next time. My advice, make your intentions clear right out of the gate.

Look, there comes a point where we aren’t looking for any more friends. Yeah, don’t burn bridges, everyone deserves a chance, always be civil, blah, blah, blah. That’s not what we’re talking about here. You’re not looking for a friend. You’re looking for something else. Well, then it’s time to break your pattern. DON’T BE HIS FRIEND.

If you meet a guy, let him know you’re interested. Make it clear, make it bold, do whatever you have to do (within common sense and common law) to let the guy know that you’re not just there to keep him company and heal his ego.

If you let it get to the point where he only sees you as a friend, it’s in part because you’ve only presented yourself as a friend. Then you cross the boundaries of friendship but by that time he sees you in only the one way. You’ve got to nip it in the bud from the first time you hang out with a guy.

If he just wants to be friends, then you’ve got to take the risk and say “no.” It’s not closing the door on a guy forever. It’s called “letting him know where you stand.” Which is not in the friend zone. You can still be civil and friendly if you run into each other, or ask him out at a later date but at least he knows you’re not the emotional doormat he can wipe his break-up hang-ups on.

Right now, these guys are using you and you’re using them. Each for different reasons. If you want to be treated differently then you’ve got to act like you want to be treated and you have to treat them differently, too. It takes two to get into this type of relationship. Don’t let yourself be one of them anymore.

You’re not a surrogate. It’s not a position you have to fill to make your CV look more credible. You’ve got wants and needs other than friendship. Make sure the next guy you’re into knows that up front and that that’s what you are looking for. I guarantee you won’t be left hung out to dry three months later.

Acting as your friend,
The Surrogate Dude

[Don't you just love him? Wish you could get more? You can! Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

Dear Dude,

I’ve been dating this fella for about five weeks.  We get along well, we enjoy each other’s company, he’s good to me, he’s always treated me like a lady, he’s changed some of his habits for me, and he’s a sweetheart.  Here’s the thing though: I don’t want him.  I don’t feel that “spark” with him. I want to end things with this guy, but I’m not sure how to.  I can’t exactly tell him the truth, although I have talked to him about the lack of “spark” I feel and that didn’t seem to bug him.  Yet, I don’t want to give the lame “It’s not you, it’s me” excuse.  He’s a good man, Dude.  He’s just not my happily ever after. So, what can I tell him that will end things but not break his heart?

Sincerely,
Don’t Go Breakin’ His Heart

Dear Don’t Go Breakin’ His Heart,

The cigarette smoke’s caressing my scars. I think of her lips as they told me not to call her again. Not quite a pout and not quite a smile. She wasn’t my happy ending. She wasn’t much of anything. I didn’t think it when she lowered the truck onto my aorta back then but I’m thinking it now: thank you, angel, for cutting my strings…wherever you are…

It’s a harsh reality out there. Like a centipede’s bill at Payless, there’s a hefty price for barking up the wrong tree. You got a Joe that you need to get rid of but you want the job done clean. The craziest part of the world we crawl around in is a simple fact reinforced by fiction: You want to drive him away, you lay him out in the backseat and push it over a cliff.

Take it from a man who’s seen his fair share of heartbreak in this world. You got to be straight. Worse, you got to be brutal. The why’s of the world don’t amount to a hill of beans. You don’t have to spell it out, but you can’t leave a pause in the conversation that he can squeeze hope out of. A simple “no thank you” isn’t going to keep this monkey from swinging behind every tree you pass seeing if you’ll throw him a banana. Cut the fruit off at the vine. Honesty’s not pretty but you got you to put one right between the eyes if you don’t want him getting back up again.

Seems rotten don’t it? Like sour milk in a venti peppermint mocha. Well, nobody said life would always be pretty. Dating’s a gritty game. You want to play with the angels then go join a convent. You want your kicks you’re going to have to put a few into a man’s stomach every once in a while. The heart will heal faster and stronger if the break’s clean.

You’re doing the smart thing. I applaud any woman that doesn’t keep dangling the carrot when she wants the jackass to quit following her. Sad part is, heartbreak isn’t a landmine you can simply step aside of. It’s not your call how he takes it, you just have make sure he gets the message. You might have to be what he’ll call cruel. At the end of the line though, you have to make it clear that he’s a square peg and you’re a round hole. All the fighting in the world won’t make you fit and you don’t want to be involved in the struggle.

What you’re doing is an act of mercy. He might not see it that way but he’ll get over it. If you can find a way to pawn him off on another girl that could help. The next one’s a cure for the last one. Until that happens there aren’t any guarantees of being Twitter or text free from him.

I’ll lay odds he’s got an inkling it’s coming. When one person wants out the other can usually sense it. You might be surprised that he won’t be surprised. Fact is, you won’t know until you do it. He’s got to take the hit.  You got to lay it right across the cheek.

Gentle doesn’t come off as permanent. Play the arrow. You’re not looking to knock him down a few notches, you’re just trying to do what’s best for the both of you. He might not want to hear it. You’ll have to parrot a couple times over. Just don’t change your story and don’t give him a foothold in the decision. It’s yours to make and his to take. He’s got to take the hit.

Time to shake the tree and see what falls on you,
Dude Marlowe

[Isn't he wise? Don't you wish you could get more? You can! Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

Dear Dude,

My best friend came clean this summer and told me he has had feelings for me since the eighth grade (six years). There is one problem: he has had a girlfriend for a little over two and a half years. He told me he is losing interest in her, she is not his type, and he hates so many things about her; she was just the girl he needed at the time. He tells me I am beautiful and always makes me feel special. He and I have so much in common – we hung out all summer (he saw me more than his girlfriend), his mother even told him to break up with his girlfriend for me. He is the perfect guy for me he is really sweet and romantic and knows absolutely everything about me. I know him better than anyone else and he knows me just as well.

I went to visit him at school this year and I met all of his friends and they kept asking him if I was his new girlfriend. The day I had to leave to go back to my school he told me he didn’t know what he was still doing with his current girlfriend and every time his friends asked him if I was his new girlfriend he wanted to say yes. He also told me every time he sees me his feelings for me grow stronger and stronger.

I started to get sick of him telling me about all of his feelings for me and not doing anything about it. So I took some advice from my sister and told him that I couldn’t wait around for him. He broke up with his girlfriend. We didn’t talk for a few days, which is not normal at all because we talk all day and every day. I understand he needed space and time to think, but later that weekend he deleted me off of Facebook. I asked him what was going on and he told me his ex made him do it. That night he told me he might be getting back with his her because losing her for two days made him realize that everything he hated about her didn’t matter to him anymore. When he said that, it made me feel like he was telling me that I was not worth it. He made me promise to be his best friend forever because he needs me in his life.  He also told me he wishes I would have had feelings for him sooner because we would probably be together, and now he wants his feelings for me to fade because he knows they will never go away.

Is he just afraid of change? Did I mess everything up? Should I wait around for him? Would it be a bad idea to see him over Thanksgiving break? I don’t think I know how to move on from him – what should I do?

I’m in need of major advice,
Broken Hearted Girl

Dear Broken hearted girl,

Say it with me: “Never Again!”

You didn’t do anything wrong except get caught in his narcissism. And yes, your best friend is acting like a narcissist. His bullsh*t is about him, not you. You are not responsible for his choices. You were drawn to him, you cared about him, you gave him your friendship and trust. You were willing to give him more but he didn’t want it. He didn’t spurn you because of anything you did, he burned you because he figured he could and keep everything status quo: revolving around him.

Casanova, Peter Sellers, Lex Luthor, Chuck Bass, Gilderoy Lockhart, what do they all have in common? They all think (thought) that the sun rose and set according to what they wanted. Their needs are (were) the most important. Everyone they have (had) relationships with have (had) to make them their number one priority. Sound familiar?

Look, I’m not saying this guy maliciously tricked you into making him the center of your world. Most narcissists don’t realize they’re narcissists. They think they’re benevolent, doing what’s best for everyone else. Of course, it’s convenient that what they think is best for everyone ends up serving them the most. That’s the paradox. “Crazy people don’t know they’re crazy.”

He played you. He played his ex, too. When he was with her, he couldn’t stand her. Without her, he suddenly forgives everything that he disliked about her. Que? What he’s asked of you is completely unfair. For the sake of his relationship you have to take a backseat. For his world to keep going round he wants you in his life but you have to swallow your feelings. Never mind the betrayal of leading you on and then deadending your affections. Never mind he picked his ex over you. Never mind what you want. As long as his tunnel vision is 20/20.

My advice is to go cold turkey. Your self-worth doesn’t come from his approval. You need to take some distance. You need to focus on other friendships. You need to indulge your own wants. Start with making a list. Put on it things you do, alone, that make you happy, e.g. Chuck or Smallville marathons. Then make a list of things you want to do but haven’t tried yet, e.g. eating sushi or going skydiving. Do one thing from the former and make a point to do one thing from latter. Reaffirm who you are and then surprise yourself.

Walking this land with broken dreams,
The Dude

[Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

Dear Dude,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 6 months, and with school and work starting, it feels like the “honeymoon” period is finally over. The thing is, I don’t understand why the honeymoon period has to be over and what’s so great about the next phase. Is it supposed to be better that he doesn’t do/say cute things anymore because he doesn’t have to show or prove his feelings and he has me secured as a girlfriend? What’s the line between being taken for granted and trusting that just because the honeymoon is over doesn’t mean the feelings are gone?

What is so great about not being in the honeymoon?

I’m also worried that this is part of something bigger. We live a little farther away now that he’s graduated and working, and I understand that he doesn’t have to be giddy to talk to me all the time, but I feel like we already have not as much time to see each other or talk – shouldn’t he be more excited when we do get a chance? He still has done nice things like taking me to dinner and letting me know where he is, but I can’t seem to appreciate it the same way knowing that I’ll barely see/talk to him during the week. Also I wonder if he’s only doing it out of obligation – obviously I don’t want him to do things for me if the feeling’s not there. At times I’ve also felt like I should only talk to him when he’s not too busy or it’s a better time. I guess I’m just wondering – is this normal in the post-honeymoon phase? Does having the honeymoon over mean that I can’t expect lovey-dovey cutesy things? Am I just being totally paranoid or how do I know that this is a relationship worth keeping?

- Wanting the Honeymoon Back

Dear Wanting the Honeymoon Back,

Change being the only constant in life dictates that nothing can stay the same. This goes triple, quadruple, hell, call it bagillion, for relationships. Hence why every couple’s so-called “honeymoon” must phase into something else. In your case, it sounds like you’re in the “soon to be separated” phase…

I’m not even placing the blame on your boy. You are setting up your relationship to fail. That’s right, I said it! If you’re looking for something to be wrong then something’s already wrong as far as you’re concerned. And that something has to do with your not being sure this relationship is “worth keeping.” To me, it sounds like you’re looking for permission to end a relationship that you’re no longer happy with. I say do it. I’d never tell anyone to stay with something in hopes it would magically get better.

Notice the word I used, “magically.” That’s because the “honeymoon” isn’t what a relationship should be for the next 20 years. Neither one of you would ever grow and evolve, the intimacy wouldn’t deepen, and your lives would be stuck in routine. Make no mistake about it, the intensity of the first six months can’t last and isn’t meant to last. That’s called real life.

Look back on my column “Where’s the Intimacy” and you’ll see that you’re going through a similar transition. He has a life that includes you but doesn’t revolve around you. Nor should it. Nor should yours revolve around him. He does have other obligations like making that money, money, yeah, yeah so he can pay rent and have a career where he’ll also find emotional growth. You’re one part. Albeit, you’ve got to feel like an important part and if you don’t then remove yourself from his life and focus on your own.

No one should feel ignored in a relationship but it does happen. If you can’t address it with the person then your relationship has a clear expiration date. The only question is: who is going to throw it away?

First of all, you shouldn’t expect “cutesy lovey-dovey” things, you should expect as much as you give. Expectations are cancer for almost every relationship in the history of ever. “Expecting” someone to act a certain way or to do certain things is the biggest kind of assuming there is and you know what happens when you assume? Right, you make an ass out of you. By expecting you’re abandoning the necessity to communicate to each other what you need, want, feel is missing, or feel is fantastic. Mind reading’s a great fantasy but you’re not Sookie Stackhouse and neither is he (whether he’s got Jason’s abs or not). By expecting you’re placing your relationship on probation and setting yourself up to look for parole violations. Which it sounds like you’re finding.

And what’s so great about moving beyond the honeymoon?

1. You don’t feel like you have to be perfect all of the time.

2. You don’t expect the other person to be perfect all of the time.

3. You’re confident that your partner isn’t going to run at the first sign of trouble.

4. You’ve noticed the other person’s “flaws” and have started to realize that that’s the good stuff.

5.  You can be secure that your relationship isn’t just based on sex but intimacy.

6. You can be an individual instead of half of a couple.

7. You no longer feel like you have to prove how much you care through constant showing of affection.

I could probably add another 43 reasons but that’s another article for another time. For now I’ll leave you with the sensational 7.

Baby, you’re the greatest,
The Dude

[Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

Dearest Dude,

So, basically my boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. We met in college, and after spending the first year and a half together at the same school he (due to unfortunate circumstances) has had to relocate and go somewhere else. We get along pretty well, although it’s been pretty hard for me to be back at school this fall without him here and all of those reminders…blah blah blah..

Anyways, the thing I’m most bothered about recently is our communication from day to day. Yes, we usually talk every day, but sometimes it’s not even until night time online and/or texting or something. I wonder if girls are different than guys. Do we like to keep in touch more than guys? Do they think nothing of it if they only talk to us at night or at any given point during the day? I’ve just felt like I like to keep in touch more with the distance because my day goes by quicker with a few texts here and there, but he seems content some days just waiting all day to answer a text, or to even initiate conversation. Is this weird? Lately, I’ve been trying to wait around for him to say stuff so that he doesn’t think I’m needy or that I can’t live without him, but it’s quite frustrating to not hear anything all day and wait until I’m on AIM or something at night. Even if I’m going to class or working or whatever, I’d still do my best to talk to him, so why isn’t this the same for him as a guy?

– Seriously Confused & Agitated

Dear Seriously Confused & Agitated,

Let’s pump the brakes, just a bit.

Two people separated by state lines, hundred of miles, sixty dollars worth of gas, and up to three hours of time difference run on completely different schedules. When it’s tough to be in the same place and at the same time, keeping the connection as strong as it was when they stayed over every night feels like organizing a space shuttle launch. Is it a feat of space exploration engineering?

One person’s always better at staying in touch than the other. Maybe it’s because of personalities or it might just come down to there only being 24 hours per day. Talking once a day instead of texting five times between two midnights doesn’t necessarily mean he’s losing interest. It might just mean he’s really busy or he’d rather talk to you when he can sit down and focus on just you. When you’re sprinting from Acting Shakespeare to Introductory Neurology, you’re likely to not look at a text or put off answering it until your brain is fully functioning again.

A quick text to say “I miss you” will take approximately 28.7 seconds (max!). So, why can’t he fit it in? He probably can. He may not feel like he needs to. Perhaps he’s totally secure in his feelings for you and yours for him. He thinks it’s no big deal and he can wait until he can spend an hour before bed putting off his Organic Chemistry work. On the other hand, maybe it’d be a constant reminder of how much he misses you and is trying to keep focused on the practical stuff. There are plenty of possibilities. There’s only one way you’re going to find out which one is right.

When in doubt, ask. After a year and a half, don’t worry about him judging you because you’re bugged by something. You’ve got to trust him.  If you explain you’re nervous or concerned, even over something you’re not sure is that big of a deal, you have to trust he’ll respond to what you’re saying and that you’ll work it out. The fear of bringing it up to him is the bigger concern. If he doesn’t realize it’s a big deal, then point it out. If he still won’t take it seriously…well, you’ll cross that bridge then. Remember, “kids swallow quarters all the time…if he craps two dimes and a nickel, then you can start worrying.”

We all wish upon a star for a relationship that’s 50-50. Then we wake up from our Disney dream. The most we can get is a shifting 60-40. Sometimes you’ll be the 60 and other times he will be. Some people are better at keeping in touch than others. Same way some are more comfortable with PDA, doing laundry, or cleaning the shower curtains. We can’t expect people to change just because the circumstances do. They have to be aware that a change is necessary, or at least appreciated. Once the choice is given a chance to be made, then you know what the situation actually is. Take the first step before you jump off the cliff.

Don’t freak out,
The Dude

[Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

Dear Dude,

So I’ve been feeling this guy for a while and last week after some serious making out we ended up hooking up at his place. No sex, just everything but, and in the morning I got my stuff and left cause I had a project to work on. I’m not naive. I understand that this was just a hookup and nothing serious, but the thing is I am friends with this guy. Or was, anyway.

I’m friends with his friends since we’re all in the same school organization and go out all the time. Before the hookup, him and I were cool and would all party together. Now that we hooked up, though, he’s acting like a total ass. Every time I see him out he barely says hi, he doesn’t text me back if I ask him where everyone’s heading out to the bars, and I feel like just saying hi to him he takes as me throwing myself on him. WTF?!

I am NOT expecting anything remotely serious out of what happened or even a regular hookup kind of a situation…I honestly would like us to stay cool and be friends. I don’t understand why he’s acting like a total tool and can’t be cool about this. If you could help me sort this all out, that’d be great!

Thanks,
Confused and Upset

Dear Confused and Upset,
If it walks like a douche, talks like a douche, and acts like a douche, well…

Not all guys only want to be friends with hot girls to hook up with them. Or at least that isn’t the only reason they become friends with hot girls. There are some. Then something happens between the sheets (or in the bathroom of your friend’s party, or the backseat, or while you’re watching an episode of Chuck…) and you wake up to find that the frog you kissed isn’t a prince but a prick. Why does a man seem to completely turn a 180 after sex is introduced into the equation? Let me postulate some possibilities then we’ll figure out which one feels right to you, Confused and Upset.

First possibility: He’s freaking out. Sometimes when you throw the hanky-panky into the mix the guy will turn rabbit and high tail it out of the friendship. He’s scared it’s going to become something he doesn’t want but instead of talking to you about it, he just pulls out (“and always, too soon”) of the whole thing. Or it’s his way of playing it cool but he doesn’t realize he’s putting a frost on any chance of something fun. That doesn’t make him so much of a douche as it does a pussy…cat, that is.

Second possibility: He only wanted one thing and you gave it to him. Some guys really only do care about hooking up with a girl they become friends with. They act in their one interest. Once they’ve climbed the mountain top they don’t feel the need to keep up pretenses any longer. So, they bail. Because they’re douches.

Third possibility: Amnesia.

Personally, I’m leaning toward door number 2.

I know you thought he was your friend, so how can he betray you like this? Well, now’s a good opportunity to step back and take a gander at the evidence. A lot of us like to ignore our friend’s faults. We care about them. They’re our friends! They’re good people! They’ll do right by us because we know that we always do right by them! Unfortunately, that’s not always the reality of the situation.

How many times do people we think are our friends actually let us down? They don’t come to our birthdays and then never bother telling us why. They don’t return phone calls for weeks at a time. They make out with someone you were crushing on. They tell you they’re done with the spy game but are conducting an international manhunt to find their long lost mother.

Everybody ends up getting burned by people we trust. What hurts the most is realizing that we maybe gave away our trust too easily or blindly. We feel like we did something wrong when the only thing we’re guilty of is putting our faith in someone who it turned out didn’t deserve it. Giving people a chance, friendship, trust, and confidence is one of the most rewarding experiences we can have.  Sometimes though, we get spurned and burned unjustly. We can take steps to make sure it doesn’t happen but there aren’t any guarantees. It comes back to the simple fact that we can’t control other people’s actions or reactions.

My advice, Confused and Upset, is either call his bitch ass out in the hopes of preserving friendship (or getting revenge) or decide to move on. Then, call up your other friends, the ones who’ve given you the same as you’ve given them, and buy them a drink. Because yeah, if this one guy’s acting like a douche, syllogism would easily prove he is, in fact, a douche. He’s only one guy, though. You’ve got other people in your life worth the time, effort, and affection you’ve got in you to give. Take inventory. Put some more focus on those relationships. A little time treasuring what you’ve got can help start the healing process.

Spotting spades,
The Dude

[Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question (Are guys into the LDR?) over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dear Dude,

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 6 months now. We live about two hours apart but see each other at least once a week for a few days at a time. Apart from the occasional argument, all in all we’re really happy. But there is one thing that’s bugging me… He never wants sex!

For the first two or three months, we didn’t see each other much (every few weeks). But when we were together, we were all over each other and he was very generous in bed. And then when we were apart we would send each other dirty texts etc, etc. However, this didn’t last long. Now we see each other really frequently (spent pretty much the whole summer together) and now it seems like I’m the only one who ever initiates anything, and he often says no when I do initiate. If I start kissing him in a certain way or touching him he asks me what I’m doing, and if he gets turned on he says something like “look what you’ve done!” in a kind of jokey way but it signifies that any activity I was hoping for is over. When I’m flirty or suggestive he just tells me that I’m so cheeky but never responds, and genuinely seems to have very little interest in being intimate. I often feel like I’m almost forcing him to let me do anything to him and  I can’t remember the last time he’s done anything to me.
I would worry that he may not be feeling as attracted to me any more but he is very affectionate, loves cuddling, loves seeing me naked, tells me he loves me all the time and gets really upset when I’m not there. About 6 weeks ago I brought up the fact that I feel that I am the one who initiates sex and he said “I thought this was about more than just sex” and got really offended saying that I was basically telling him that he doesn’t satisfy me. After that he initiated sex once or twice (still no oral sex for me though!) but then things went back to how they were.

The thing is, when we do have sex he tells me how incredible it was, and when I go down on him he makes it clear that he really enjoyed it, so why does he not want me to do it? I really feel that sex is a huge deal in any relationship, and this is causing a big problem for me. I have tried everything (sexy underwear, joining him in the shower, making sure my legs and bikini area are always waxed, etc) but he just doesn’t seem to want me. I really need your help. What can I do?

-Frustrated and Confused.

Dear Frustrated and Confused,

In the beginning, there was sex.

Not “love making” but sex. Like sex, sex. Like, mind blowing, full contact, hardcore f@&king! Then somewhere between 6 months and a year, the pace began to slow. This was inevitable.

Pretty much the amount of sex you have in the first 6 months is the most sex you’ll average weekly throughout the first few years of your relationship. Then, somehow, you’ll find your way back across the bed, in the shower, the couch, the elevator, your office desk, the plane’s rest room, the hotel room, your family’s dining room table…I could go on but the examples will start getting bizarre and physically dangerous (e.g. while wind surfing).

Sex can be cyclical. There’s nothing like it when the fire’s first lit. I know a couple that averaged 5 times a day for their first 6 months. 5 TIMES A DAY! And that was their freaking average. That means they sometimes had sex MORE than 5 times a day! Then they cooled off because if they hadn’t, well, they’d probably be dead now. After I read about your problem, F&C, I consulted this sex-Olympian couple and asked them what happened to their mind-boggling fabulous 5 times a day habit. Their answer: “we knew if we kept it up that much we’d die. And it stopped seeming as important.” WHAT? Sex not important? Are you kidding me? Isn’t sex the most important gauge of a relationship’s health?

The answer is NO! INTIMACY is the most important part of a relationship.

If it’s an FWB, casual fling, one night stand, or a rebound then yes, sex is probably the most important thing because sex is what the entire arrangement is based on. Yes, sex is a crucial part of the start of every relationship. If you didn’t want to have sex with him, you wouldn’t have bothered talking to him let alone “hanging out” with him. That being what it is, a relationship evolves. Eventually, sex isn’t the whole relationship, it’s just 1 of several ways to express intimacy. Now that the sermon’s concluded, let’s focus in on the man who loses interest in sex alarmingly soon.

There are a couple of scenarios to explain behavior like what F&C has described.

He’s gotten gun shy: He’s scared of being able to keep it up and consistently satisfy you. It’s weird, nonsensical, and irrational, but so are a lot of fears. When there’s the expectation that every time you have sex it’s got to be incredible then there’s pressure to perform (I’m not saying you’re putting this expectation on him, most likely he’s doing it to himself). Performance anxiety isn’t just for actors, spies with Intersects in their heads, or Justin Bieber on prom night. Pressure undermines the fun.

He’s gay: Hey, look, plenty of gay men try to pass before they can admit it to themselves. If he’s acting more like your BFF rather than your BF then take a long, hard, look at the evidence.

He’s a “codependent moronic selfish prick”: This is when the guy is only willing to have sex when it suits him. A CDMSP is the type where everything has to be done on his terms. These men are takers.

Pet Peeve: Not giving oral pleasure to women. First of all, it’s a hell of a lot of fun. Not to mention it’s extremely sexy, satisfying, and intimate. If a guy’s not willing to spend at least a twenty minutes down there I consider him a selfish bastard. Especially, if you’re willing to do it for him. Guys like this should have their balls revoked.

It sounds to me, F&C like you’ve done almost everything you can possibly do. You’ve tried addressing the problem, you’ve worked at spicing things up, and just in general have gone above and beyond to be a good partner. I think it might be time to take it one step further. Let him know that if he won’t take your needs seriously and make an effort the way you have for him, well, you might not stick around much longer. Reiterate that it’s not about sex, it’s about intimacy. This is what you need. This is what he’s not giving you.

Love ‘em or leave ‘em, and sometimes, you’ve got to leave ‘em if you’re ever going to be loved.

To the next step,
The Dude-meister

[Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]