Just when I had thought society had told it’s last ‘women in the kitchen’ joke, the children’s toy “My Cleaning Trolley” labeled “Girls Only” was released.

At first I was offended at the sight of the pink cart filled with cleaning supplies that seemed to advocate an outdated ideal of a woman’s place in the household, but then I began to look on the bright side. Imagine having this cleaning trolley, complete with 11 pieces of cleaning glory, available for use in your dorm room. It’s small, compact and pink. I’m loving it.

This made me think about some other kid’s toys that could come in handy for the college lifestyle. Take for example, the Easy-Bake Oven. Genius. Dorm rules state no hot plates in the room, but nowhere on that list does it say no Easy-Bake Oven. Suckers. The delicacies that I produced as a young child have stayed with me over the years, and I now yearn more than ever for a freshly baked chocolate cake. In minutes. Post bar.  If you’re a real entrepreneur, you could start your own dorm room bakery and sell your treats for beer money that week.

Are you sick and tired of trekking around campus on foot. Aren’t there days that you just want to wear a great pair of heels without having to worry about pedaling a bike? It doesn’t matter what anyone says, you don’t look cool with your pant leg tucked into your socks as you zoom across campus on a mountain bike. But you know what will look cool? Cruising to the library in your shiny, pink open-air Jeep Barbie car. But beware, I believe it’s still possible to get a DUI in a children’s toy.

Do you remember those huge bouncy balls with the handle that your parents let you go wild on until you inevitably fell off and sustained brutal injuries? Those were the best. Well that bouncy ball is not only a bundle of fun, but also a great exercise tool for your run of the mill door room workout routine. Get thighs of steel without ever leaving your room.

Lastly, for those with money-worries, never fear! The Deluxe Children’s ATM was created as the new-age piggy bank for the penny-pinching child.  It comes with an ATM card and a personal pin number that activates the machine and you can withdraw and deposit funds as you see fit. So the next time you are trying to order drunk pizza but realize you spent all your cash at the bars, don’t panic. You’ve got your own money machine at your disposal.

So it looks like I know what items I’ll be asking for on my Christmas list this year. My mom never expected to be making a trip to Toys-R-Us when her child reached the ripe old age of 22. But you’re only as young as you feel, and I’ll feel a lot better when I’m blaring tunes down Campus Dr. in my Barbie Car.

I learned more my first week at college than I did in my entire life. And I don’t mean academically. I mean socially, financially, emotionally and drunk-ly. Some things took longer to figure out than others (that I should visit the ATM before I get to the bar, to avoid extra fees and my tendency to tipsily make it rain) and other things took mere minutes (don’t eat dining hall hot dogs).

But there are 5 things that every freshman should figure out their very first week on campus. Consider this College Life 101: Intro To The Best 4 Years of Your Life.

The go-to hangover breakfast spot: For those mornings when a Gatorade and toast just won’t do the trick, you need to find the most happening breakfast place near campus. This is not only important for the mornings when you need to take things to-go (back to your bed where you can lie in the dark while watching Daisy of Love marathons), but also for the social aspect of morning-after breakfast. Because everyone knows, after the party it’s the after party…and after that and the hotel lobby… it’s IHOP.

So, on those mornings when your inner monologue sounds like “Hahalalala definitely still drunk and my hair and makeup still look great!” you’ll know where you and your girls can go to re-cap last night’s madness while chowing on carby goodness and watching people walk in wearing their clothes from the night before.

Where you can and can’t use your fake i.d. : I remember when I got my first fake i.d. (the same one I still have, actually, even though it expired in 2007 and I’ll be retiring it in a month). I was so excited to use it anywhere and everywhere (even when I wasn’t drinking). But that kind of enthusiasm definitely could have gotten me in big trouble if I hadn’t discovered very quickly where I could and couldn’t use it.

Ask any older friends or siblings you know who went to your school, hell ask friendly strangers! Just ask someone where your fake i.d. will get you in and where that puppy will taken.  The easiest way to figure out where to use your fake is to go out as much as possible, to as many bars as possible (which you’ll be doing anyways) and make a bartender/bouncer/shotgirl friend who can give you a heads up if the boss plans on, you know, enforcing the legal drinking age.

Your new address, where the post office is,  and protocol for paper mail and packages. Grandma needs somewhere to send those care packages! And you sure as hell can’t tell her where to send delicious cookies or money “for an ice cream sundae” if you don’t have your new dorm address memorized. Or written down. Anywhere. Also, figure out if packages should be sent to your campus p.o. box or the front desk of your dorm. Unfortunately the Fed-Ex guy won’t deliver that hot new mini dress straight to your dorm room.

The best campus hangouts: For those rare occasions you want to enjoy the company of your new friends sans Johnny, Jack and Jose…or even, you know, study, you need a place to go other than your oh-so-spacious dorm room. Read your campus newspaper, look at fliers around your dining hall or just listen to word-of-mouth. Your campus might have a famous burger joint where everyone chills, a live music hookah bar, a local coffee shop. Even if the campus hot spot is a library, it’ll be nice to hang out somewhere where you’re bound to know someone even if Starbucks starts charging for Wi-Fi (personal true story) and it gets too cold to lounge on the quad.

Fashion protocol: Even now that you’ve finally arrived on campus, it’s time to start dressing like you belong there (which, of course, you already do if admissions had anything to say about it). Take a look around to gather the general fashion climate of your school. Do you see a lot of girls wear their gym clothes to class or do they usually get more dressed up? Are PJ’s a do or don’t in the dining hall? If you needed to wear heels for an interview or event before/after class, should you bring a change of shoes?

I’m not saying you should get decked out to go to class or that you should go out and buy an entirely new wardrobe (although if you can swing it, by all means get your shop on), but you don’t want to stick out like a weird freshman sore thumb. The best way to figure out a way to college-ify your look is to check out older girls whose fashion sense you admire, or whose is similar to yours, and put your own spin on it. Then you’ll be “that girl who always dresses so cute” and not “that freshman who wears Crocs.”

What do you guys think is the most crucial stuff to learn your first week (besides all the important/boring stuff they go over at orientation)? What do you wish you’d learned right off the bat?

If you disagree with everything I just said, you probably don’t need this column. But if you’re nodding along because you’re officially an adult and still don’t know how to manage your money, then you might want to pay attention every week, because I’m going to (try to) get you through this, and make you a successful saver and a wise spender.]

Everytime you whip out the plastic at the grocery store, liquor store, or gas station, the cashier asks automatically, “Credit or Debit?” It’s a simple enough question, though to many, it may be redundant. I mean, who cares what type of card it is as long as it buys you a pack of smokes, a 30-pack, or a week’s worth of Ramen Noodles?

There are a lot of pros and cons to using both credit cards and debit cards, and many people adamantly side with one form of plastic or another, much like people adamantly side with either Obama or McCain. Personally, I’m a debit kind of girl. My brother, on the other hand, swears by credit. What gives?

A debit card is like your plastic checkbook. You might not need cash in your hand, but you need to have the funds in your bank account to make a purchase. A credit card, however, lets you splurge now and pay later– even in small monthly increments. In this case, the credit card may SEEM like it has its advantages, because you can pay for your spring break trip now, and spend the next three months waiting tables to pay for it.

But beware: the reason I personally prefer to use my debit card is because it prevents me from racking up thousands of dollars in CC charges, since it doesn’t feel like I’m spending MY money. For me, I’d rather balance my checking account daily, and say, “Ok, that’s $20 here and $40 there,” and always know what I have left. A credit card bill, to me, is like a tacky Christmas gift from your wacky aunt; you never think it’s going to be THAT bad, but when the big day rolls around… gag. I always think I’m on top of the world with a few hundred dollars locked away in the bank… then I get a 2K credit card bill, and it’s like I’ve been robbed at the end of each billing cycle.

Another thing to be wary of when using your credit card is the interest rate. Sure, there’s no hurry to pay off the last five bar tabs you’ve racked up on credit… but the longer you wait, the more you’re spending on nothing at all. The appeal of many credit cards is gimmicks like “No Interest for Six Months,” which is fine and dandy for six months… and then suddenly, you’re paying off the minimum balance each month and see the current balance rise nonetheless.

On the other hand, debit cards can smack you with hidden fees as well. Debit cards come in handy when you need cash- via ATMs or cash-back with purchase, but you’re bound to be paying a fee on your purchases, or on your withdrawals from foreign ATMs. You know how you have to accept the $2.00 charge when using a foreign ATM? These days, a lot of banks charge an additional service charge for using another bank’s withdrawal services. LAME.

Another thing I do hate about debit cards is that sometimes it can take a few days for your purchases to go through to your account. That means that if you went shopping yesterday, and check your account today, you might think you have more money than you do. Bars and restaurants can sometimes cause trouble because it takes longer for the tip to go through than the food/beverage purchase. This is rather inconvenient, and unless you balance your debit card account like you do your checkbook, it can be easy to overdraw or bounce a check if you aren’t aware of the charges that have yet to go through. Which brings me to another flaw of the debit card system…

If you overdraw or bounce a check, you will pay very, very dearly. I don’t balance my purchases like a checkbook, but I do check my balance every day. So, when my balance seemed to stay the same for a few days, I figured all of my purchases had gone through (I’d gotten pretty wasted the week before and didn’t know how much I spent at the bar, so I had to wait for the bad news). I went on spending again, and the day before my direct deposit went through, I discovered that not only had I overdrawn, but that I was being fined nearly $20 for EACH individual purchase that was over my limit. WTF? If you’re above your limit with a credit card it gets declined, but I guess banks just want to trick you into thinking you’ve got the funds if your card is approved, so that they can collect on your own irresponsible stupidity.

Now that I’ve given you the lecture on responsibility, let’s get to the perks. The reason we all want a credit card: the bonus points! Just about every major corporation has its own credit card these days, and for every dollar you spend, you get some sort of reward (Starbucks cards, 10% off at Target, airline miles, etc.). Some banks have recently started rewarding their clients with cashback points on debit purchases, too, but this is a relatively low-paying perk, at least in the realm of Poor Studentsville. My debit purchases are never as outlandish as my credit purchases, so I’ve only been getting petty change rewards so far.

If you think you can handle a credit card, and not run your financial reputation into the ground, maybe a credit card’s for you. However, if you like to only spend what you’ve got, stick with debit. It’s still a good idea to have both forms of plastic, but I don’t recommend filling every slot in your wallet with a different credit card. That’s just asking for trouble, especially when you’re on a budget, like many of us are.

If you want to find the perfect credit card, and really weigh all of the perks that come along with plastic, check out CreditCards.com. You can search and cross-reference a plethora of cards, until you find one that will reward you well. Happy spending, kids!

So what’s a poor girl to do?

Make some bitchin’ strawberry shortcake.

I have found that no matter what, strawberry shortcake hits the spot — especially with moms. It’s light, it’s fruity, it’s sweet, and with this recipe, it’s so simple you could whip it up while studying for that last final.

INGREDIENTS

2 quarts (32 ounces) fresh strawberries

1/3 cup plus 1 tablespoon sugar

1 12-ounce tube Pillsbury Golden Homestyle Buttermilk biscuits

1 7-ounce can whipped cream

Slice the strawberries into a large bowl. Sprinkle with 1/3 cup of the sugar, toss, and set aside.

Separate the dough into individual portions and place on a baking sheet, sprinkle the tops with the remaining sugar, and bake according to the package directions. Let cool on the baking sheet for 3 to 5 minutes.

Slice each biscuit in half. Place the bottom half on a plate and top with some of the whipped cream. Spoon the berries and juices over the cream and sandwich with the remaining biscuit half.

Extra points if you add a little champagne. I mean, come on, you know how many hours this woman was in labor with you??

As if it wasn’t hard enough to weed out all the sketchies at the bar already, we now have something else to be suspicious of. His phone number.Well, not the actual number, but what he writes it on.

There’s no doubt in my mind that the creator of these Custom Fake Receipts must be some, graduated college in nine years Van-Wilder-type frat boy living off Daddy’s money ‘til he struck it rich thanks to the desperate-for-female-attention market he once was so proudly a part of. (You know those guys that will do absolutely anything to get in your pants?)

These counterfeit ATM slips have an agonizingly pathetic purpose. The gameplan? Mr. I-Used-Four-Bottles-of-Gel-to-Get-My-Hair-Like-This actually succeeds in buying some innocent girl enough drinks to get her nice and sloppy, and just when her beer goggles have set in just right, (he looks more like James Marsden than James Gandolfini all of a sudden) he whips out one of these slips.

It’s like it’s just some crinkled receipt he carelessly stuffed in his “overstuffed” wallet, he scribbles his number on the back, and hopes you’re curious enough to wake up the next morning, examine the slip, and realize you’ve struck gold, literally. These fake receipts are meant to give the receiver the false impression that your bank account is well-endowed, (much moreso than anyone that uses these slips probably is ahem, in other departments.)

Pardon me for being a naive, but since when are guys looking for golddiggers? Is that now a desirable trait in a date, or did too many guys take to heart that damn Good Charlotte song? And forgive me for stating the obvious, but won’t these foolish ladies realize at some point that you’re not loaded? Like when they’re stuck riding in your mom’s brokedown ’96 Dodge minivan? Or the first time you take them to your 3×5 foot apartment?

Why can’t guys realize that our attraction to them stems from their confidence in who they are, money or lack thereof? I can’t speak for all women, after all, there are plenty who do care about a bloke’s wallet more than his personality, but why waste your hard earned cash trying to win those ones over?

After all, a year’s supply of these receipts will cost you fifteen Washingtons, which makes no sense to me, really. Wouldn’t anyone who truly felt the need to invest in this deceiving tool not really have a disposable income to begin with? Here’s a tip gentleman, save your fifteen dollars and spend it on a nice cheap date with a kind open-minded girl. Cheers.