The Textaholic. The movie you’ve been dying to see for weeks now is about to begin and the message comes up on the screen reminding everyone to turn off their cell phones.  The movie starts and as you’re trying to enjoy Jacob’s shirtless bod in Twilight, you’re interrupted by the constant sound of clicking coming from behind you.  It’s two hours tops, people— put the phone away!  If something is really that important, take it outside.

Resolution: Texting Support Group. Enough said.

The Stinker. It may be your best friend or maybe even some random guy in line in a store, but either way— they stink.  Unfortunately, they are so used to their extreme body odor by now that they don’t even notice it anymore.  People may have even told them and they still refuse to jump in the shower once every few weeks.

Resolution: Febreze isn’t just for your mildewy apartment anymore….

The “Do You Like Seafood” Eater. I love to eat and I’m sure a lot of other people do too.  The thing I don’t like about eating is when I’m with someone else and they shovel food into their mouth, start talking, and their food ends up on my plate.  Sorry, do I look like a baby bird that enjoys eating pre-chewed food? No.

Resolution: Ever heard of an etiquette class? Sign ‘em up! And if that doesn’t work, getting a table for 6 when it’s just the two of you and sitting at the other end should send the message loud and clear.

The Less-Than Stellar Roommate. They sound like a wildebeest when they snore, leave sandwiches with living things starting to grow on them under the couch, and make you listen to lovely animal-like grunts coming through the walls (or better yet, across the room in a dorm) when you’re trying to get a good night’s sleep.

Resolution: Two words: Air horn. And I would also highly suggest purchasing ear plugs unless you feel like learning to enjoy noises straight out of the Discovery Channel.

The Attention Whore. Do you know someone that constantly needs all eyes on them 24/7 and expects everyone to drop what they’re doing and focus on them and only them the second they enter a room?  We all do.  Sadly, some people need a wake-up call to realize the world doesn’t always revolve around them.

Resolution: Don’t acknowledge them every second that they expect you to.  After awhile of this, they might have a revelation and suddenly discover that other people in the room may have things to say too! Crazy, I know.

The Creeper. Sometimes it’s hard to resist the urge to stare at people (especially if it’s a cute boy) while you’re hanging out at the mall, or anywhere for that matter. I have to admit, I’m an avid people-watcher myself, but sometimes it gets a little creepy.  Especially if there’s an old man sitting across from you that wouldn’t turn his head away if his life depended on it.

Resolution: Stare back! With big eyes. If he likes it, run away.

The Gossip Girl. She spreads rumors and tells secrets she’s supposed to keep to herself.  There’s nothing more annoying then someone who thrives on causing drama and on top of that, loves every second of making other people’s lives miserable in the process.

Resolution: Give her a taste of her own medicine. I’m not saying go spread around that she’s pregnant with a criminal’s child…but you catch my drift.

The Borrower. One of the best parts about having friends is being able to borrow cute clothes from them.  When someone borrows something, it’s expected that it’ll get returned, but there are always those people who keep “forgetting” that they have something of yours and only give it back when you go fetch it yourself.  And you usually have to rip it out of their dead, lifeless grip.

Resolution: “Borrow” their stuff….and accidentally spill red wine on it. Woops!

The New Year should be full of lots of surprises and lots of fun people.  What are some other annoying people that need a kick in the butt for 2011?

Once upon a time, at college orientation, you met someone who spent her weekend running around meeting everyone. Even the orientation leaders, academic advisors…and cafeteria workers. This person was friendly, funny, flirty. Then classes began, parties were under way and, whoa mama, it was…girl gone wild (annoying)!

Allow me to introduce you to the Unhinged Coed.

The Unhinged Coed is an attention hog (minus the “g”) to the umpteenth power. She will do just about anything for someone to take a quick look or give her a quick dose of attention.

While she comes off friendly and fun at first, the Unhinged is quickly reduced to nothing more than the nuisance you turn to when you need something. Eager to please (and for people to know she’s helpful), she is always there with a book someone needs to borrow, notes when someone misses class, and a pair of lips when someone is drunk and looking for booty.

In her quest to be everyone’s friend, she ends up with a small group – usually like-minded attention seeking-wannabes themselves – who stick around her to gain “access” to the people she claims to be close with. Only she isn’t, because her quest to be known by all leaves her annoyed by most.

The Unhinged has an impressive major, something like International Politics or Romance Languages (and speaks the same amount of Spanish as the Taco Bell Chihuahua), and makes sure everyone knows about it.  Although, attending class and passing is not high on her priority list.

What is on that list?

1. Doing the “college” thing (or everything stereotypical about college).

2. Hooking up and gossiping about it.

3. Gossiping about other people.

4. Attending parties to look cool. Then talking about them.

All of the above is done with one goal in mind: to make a name on campus.

And she succeeds. Only instead of being popular and adored everywhere she goes, the Unhinged Coed becomes known only as that. A crazy attention-seeker.

Underneath it all, this is just a sorely misguided soul who gets too caught up in what she should be and suffocates her good personality. Sadly, she will never be what she is trying to hard to be, but rather an acquaintance to many, an unmentioned hook-up, and the reference to a “what not to do/ how not to be” story. There is no happily ever after for the Unhinged Coed. Just 4 years of trying too hard in a place where popularity doesn’t matter and being real does.

Karaoke is an un-paralleled public event, in which a single song can bring an entire establishment together and entertain friends and complete strangers alike. There is no other high like it in the night life.

My love of karaoke has been several years in the making. Nights of karaoke in several cities — even states — has taught me a lot, and I am delighted to share my findings with the rest of the world.

It is through my many hours of ‘research’ that I have honed the fine art of karaoke. It is all in the song selection, ideally one that the majority of other people know. I am a firm believer that there is an appropriate karaoke song for every person and occasion. For instance:

Girls night out: It is important to pick songs significant to the female persuasion. Something girls can sing along with are perfect choices, like Pat Benatar’s “hit me with your best shot” or the classic, “Like a Virgin” by Madonna.

For the extremely shy: If the idea of a solo act is not your cup of tea, you need not avoid the stage. Instead, pick a song that encourages major audience sing-along, less people will actually hear you. Sure fire audience sing-along songs, “Don’t stop believin’” by Journey or “Under Pressure” by David Bowie. I guarantee these songs will result in at least half of the fellow patrons joining in – probably more.

An unexpected sighting of an ex: To salvage a potential night-ruiner sing “You’re So Vain” by Carly Simon, (this I know from experience.) It is easy enough to play off as coincidental, with just the right amount of a slap in the face.

Looking to do some major entertaining: Solid crowd pleasing always ensues with songs like the Back To The Future classic, “Get out of my car” by Billy Ocean. Or, the ridiculous but hilarious “Safety Dance.” Bonus points for any kind of dance during your performance.

If the solo act is just too much: Round up a duet partner and try out the ever-popular Grease soundtrack (best for a cutesy couple), or give thought to “Take Me Or Leave Me” from the Rent soundtrack, especially if you are amongst a crowd who appreciates musical theatre (specifically gay bars). And for the more urban crowd, “Promiscuous” by Nelly Fertado and Timbaland always evoke collective head nodding.

When you just want to have a little fun: On those nights when you have had a few and are feeling particularly brave and in the mood for trying to attract a fellow or two, I would suggest “Straight Up” by Paula Abdul. The song doesn’t require a lot of talent but is sassy enough to get you some attention.

As a seasoned veteran of karaoke nights I would also like to offer a few performance tips: Alcohol can almost always enhance a karaoke night, for both performers and audience alike. However, moderation is key – if your last drink made you feel that you your vocals are the second coming of Christina Aguilera, seriously re-think your performance.

Also, keep things fun. While you may think that your talents are best displayed through a soulful rendition of “These Hands” by Jewel, sad and/or slow songs can depress people and really slow the night down, regardless of your talent. Remember, it’s karaoke. Save your soulful songs for your American Idol tryout. Lastly, while sometimes the heat of the spotlight can be a bit much for some people to tackle alone, please limit yourself to 2 back-up singers, otherwise you blur the line between Karaoke fun and sorority sing-along.

Happy singing!

So – how are you? I’m probably the last person that you want to hear from but I want you to know that I’ve changed. Please just hear me out.

Before I started college, I remember hearing third and fourth hand stories about crazy roommates (You know those stories – I don’t need to summarize any of them for you). Because of those stories, I went into the dorms worried about the crazy that I might encounter, never once thinking that I could ever BE that storied roommate.

But as it turns out, I was indeed that person. On behalf of the crazies who realize that they were the crazy and the crazies who are still not aware of what their crazy is doing to their roommates, I am truly sorry and I hope that you can accept my/our apology.

Specifically to my freshman year roommates, A. and R., I apologize for coming back to our room in the middle of the night and drunkenly puttering around in the darkness. I truly believed that I was being quiet, but I only realize now that my quiet when I’m drunk equals ‘wake-you-up’ loud to unintoxicated ears.

Thank you for not yelling at me each time that I woke you up; I have a feeling that checking my neck for hickey status distracted you from your anger. Remember that first weekend of school when we knew each other for 37 hours and I came back with a neck full of them and I had no idea until you marched me over to the mirror to see for myself? I guess that started the neck checks, huh?

To R., I’m sorry that I let some random guy sleep in my bed after a fire drill and that A. and I left you alone in the room as you slept. Due to the damage done by the actual fire in the building, he really couldn’t go back to his room. Since A. and I weren’t going back to sleep and we totally knew his first name from going to the parties at Phi Sig, we figured that it would be okay. Thank you for not kicking our asses and somehow laughing it off.

A. and R., I’m sorry that I sexiled you that one time. Serves me right – I totally got none that night. By that point, I’d sucked so much as a roommate that you both washed your bedding just in case I did hit it on your sheets. To clear my name a bit, just because I had like 1000 condoms (half of which were flavored) didn’t mean that I was having that much sex; I won them at condom bingo, I swear.

Also, I’m sorry that I took up half of the closet space and an entire dresser and still complained that I had no clothes to wear. I know that you cared immensely about my wardrobe; you kind of had to – it also was all over the room since I changed twice a day.

To A., I’m sorry that I flirted with every single one of your guy friends when they visited you. I was a full-blown attention whore and I hope that you noticed that when you and T. were dating that I totally steered clear of him.

To my sophomore year roommates, L. and J. – well, I’m not really sorry because I don’t like either one of you, but I do realize the error of my ways. Considering the things that I did to A. and R., I really did try to avoid mixing my room with boys, so I usually wouldn’t come back to the room all weekend. As it turns out, that wasn’t better.

Thank you for lying to my mom and telling her that I was at the gym when she called on Saturday or Sunday mornings.

Also, while I’m pissed that you stopped giving me my messages, I understand the need to unplug the phone before going bed on many nights. Despite the fact that you told your friends that I was sleeping with all of them, clearly I didn’t know many of the guys who were calling if they were using the student directory to get in touch with me.

I give you the same apology regarding the closet space and my clothes. There was no need to change three or four times a day and you both unfortunately fell victim to my bouts of outfit related schizophrenia because my stuff was Ev.Ry.Where.

And by sophomore year, I still hadn’t learned the lesson regarding sound and drunkenness, so I apologize for waking you up at least every other night, stomping on our tiled floor with heels on to find my PJs, to get all of my clothes and books off of the bed and to look for my face wash and hair brush.

To J., I’m sorry that when L. was away one night that after your shower that you were a victim of a surprise sexile. I honestly thought that you were staying at your boyfriend’s dorm that night and it really was the only time that I did anything like that in our room.

I don’t know whose beer it was, but I’m sorry that my study group drank all of it that one time I had them over. I probably should have offered to replace it, huh?

Also, to J., I understand that it wasn’t cool for girls to be friends with me outside of the like three that I had, so thank you for being nice to me when we were alone because it helped me deal with how you acted with L. or anyone else in your group. You called me a lot of things that you thought I never heard; I never told you that your voice carried down the hall and that the few times that I was studying in the dorm I heard everything that you’d said.

My only saving grace with J. and L. was that I knew tons of guys on campus, which meant that if I was being nice that I could get them into all of the cool and sometimes secret parties. Because they must have figured out that I kept the bowls crusted with oatmeal out on my desk only to gross them out. I wasn’t there anyway, so what did I care?

So though my apology to them was tempered with “I didn’t like them anyway”, I do wish that I hadn’t interrupted their sleep so much and that I hadn’t taken over the room in which I barely spent any of my time. I might have actually ended up with a friend or two out of those living arrangements.

In conclusion: I’m not asking you normal roommates to forgive the crazy ones. Just know that they will one day realize the shit that they put your through and whether you’ll know it or not, they will feel badly about it.

Signed,

Melissa “I may have sucked, but you came of it with some cool stories” the Former Shitty Rommate

Perhaps it’s the sheer volume of people on one concrete island, or that the people are actually more attractive and put-together. Maybe more of the residents are chemically altered more often throughout the day here. Whichever the case may be, New Yorkers are not at all shy about their catcalls, or “hollas,” if you will.

Granted, I’m from the Midwest. I completely missed out on this whole experience during my teen years. Back home, it’s mostly the sketchy old men in bars hitting on you, or, once you’ve ventured to the undergrad lifestyle, the halfway-to-blackout frat boys who think perhaps their forwardness will reward them with a piece of ass. Too often, ladies, we have caved, be it for lack of self-respect or just for fun. Hey, I’m not judging. Sometimes you just need to hook up.

Some women have never learned how to take a compliment or think anything positive about themselves, I beg those women to come to New York. It’s guarantee that of the eight million people, someone finds you attractive.

It may not be who you were hoping for, or rather what you thought you were hoping for, but you’re beautiful in the eyes of some random on-looker, even in post-gym attire or on your walk of shame home.

What a phenomenal city for an attention whore! Walking to work, if you don’t hear at least twice some sort of approving comment, you’re a little disappointed. It’s not that you want to jump on that construction worker who could pass for your uncle (let’s hope not anyway), it’s more that once you start having your appearance appreciated on the regular, it’s no fun to go back.

While some may consider the holla offensive, it’s just a line you don’t have to commit to. You’re not getting a drink out of this, and you certainly don’t have to worry about how to discreetly leave the characters you encounter on the street without hurting their feelings. You have no obligation to indicate you even heard the comment.

Of course, after acclimating to the city and being noticed simply for wearing a dress instead of a suit, you learn to be unfazed by nearly everything and act accordingly. So while you’re getting your daily confidence boost, it’s more than ok.