"I may have cut my hair, but I'm still a huge ass-face."

If there’s one thing I hate more than Heidi Montag’s long, skeletal fingers, it’s girls, like Stacie, who wear ill-fitting bikini tops guys who play games. And when Justin Bobby plays games that just takes things to a whole new level.

Back when JB was doin’ his thang with Audrina, we hated him for many reasons. Obviously, he was treating her like dirt, but he also had long, greasy hair, wore ugly hats and burped at the dinner table. G-to the-ross. When Krisin came into the picture it seemed that, much like his hygiene, Justin Bobby had cleaned up his act.

Well, how wrong we were. It looks like you can take the dirt out of the scumbag…but he’s still a sh*tty scumbag.

I’ve dealt with guys like Justin. They have low self esteem and need to take control of any situation, no matter whom they hurt. So they do something crappy, then follow it up with a grand romantic gesture, then do something crappy once again. And the saddest part? It’s effing working!

Kristin is playing into his little game just as easily as Audrina did. She may say she’s gonna kick him to the curb after strike three, but she’s just as pathetic as he is. And you know she loves they way she looks in a motorcycle jacket far too much to give up the rides on the back of Justin’s bike.

The only person more pathetic than Kristin is Jayde. Or maybe Holly. No, definitely Jayde. It’s not Holly’s fault that MTV gave her a drinking problem to increase the show’s ratings. And besides, she’s a hilarious dancer (did you see those moves a la Drew Barrymore post-pot brownie in Never Been Kissed? Amazeballs.); I hope she doesn’t to go “rehab” any time soon so this show can get some much-needed comic relief.

Anyways, back to Jayde. I seriously hate this chick and can’t handle watching her. And here are my top 3 reasons why:

1. She looks way too much like the girl who plays Snow White in Disney World. It’s freaking me out.

2. She’s annoying. Like, really annoying. Like that annoying girlfriend that everybody hates and talks about behind her back until the guy FINALLY realizes how bitchy/naggy/not worth it she is and breaks up with her. And then everyone celebrates, gets drunk and tells him how much they hated her. Yeah, she’s like that.

3. She’s not smart. No. She’s painfully dumb. But she gets to go home to Brody every night (and treat him like crap) while I sit here alone eating Nutter Butters watching her on TV. WTF?

I know that Jayde and Brody don’t break up (I can see into the future…by reading the latest Us Weekly), but I just hope they do. He’s hot. He deserves better. Like me! I don’t have a Holly drinking problem (“Jack is the love of my life!”), I am not a camera whore like Heidi Montag, I’m not a bitch like Kristin and, while I don’t have her boobs, I am a hell of a lot smarter than Jayde.

Plus, with Holly shipping off to rehab soon, there’s space for one more in this cast….

While I have had many moments in my long and tumultuous relationship with The Hills where I found myself angry, disturbed or just plain annoyed with what was happening in these Botoxed/bleached/rich for no reason peoples’ lives, I can count on one hand the times I’ve laughed.

One finger, actually. And it was the time that Lauren was talking to crying Audrina at the beach over, you guessed it, Justin Bobby. And what did Lauren say? “Homeboy wore combat boots to the beach.”

LOL.
ZOMG.
ROTFL.

But last night it happened again. There I was eating Fiber 1 Frosted Mini Wheats (which, by the way, are amazing) when Speidi goes to a party with Sister Montag and she gets trashed and does this weird arm wave drunky dance against the window. It was one of the finest moments of TV I’ve seen all week. Although that’s not saying much, because I watch shows like “Bridezillas” and “The Biggest Loser.”

Naturally, with moves like those, everyone and anyone could tell that Holly had developed a serious drinking problem. No one who has control over themselves and their bodies can pull moves like that…in front of other people. And I agree that the girl was totally out of line and embarrassing at the Brent Bolthouse party, but it seems a little ironic that the two people who seemed most bothered by her antics were:

1. Stephanie Pratt, a girl who just got arrested for a DUI
2. Spencer Pratt, a guy who wore an ill-fitting cowboy hat to a high class event in Hollywood.

Why don’t we cut the girl some slack? Lord knows if was to be tied to those two turds through marriage for the rest of my life (or at least until the Paparazzi stop taking their damn photo), I’d get hammered all the time, too. I mean, how else does one deal with flesh-beard?!

And speaking of people who make me want to hit the bottle super, duper hard, let’s talk about Justin Bobby. And when I say “hit the bottle” I mean “hit the bottle over his annoying hooded head.” Just wanted to clarify.

So Justin is playing two girls. Fine. One of them is an annoying fake who acts tough and cool (and suddenly has a giant house in Laguna that MTV definitely bought for her parents since her old Laguna house did NOT look like that) and the other is a total pushover who lets him walk all over her in his Doc Martins. Frankly, they both deserve it and I don’t really care how this ends up. Unless it ends in a giant girl fight, in which case my money is totally on Audrina. Have you seen her teeth? She could tear Kristen’s flesh from her bones in one quick chomp.

But I digress. My problem with this situation is that JB dated Audrina for 4 years and still doesn’t know her name.

“I’d never be able to say anything was better than Audrina Patridge.”

Uh, homeboy, maybe that’s because you never dated an Audrina Patridge. You dated/dicked over Audrina PaRRRRtridge. R. Rrrr. Something you might have noticed or heard if you took that grease beanie off your head 3 seasons ago.

Oh god. Now I’m all heated up.

I’m gonna pull a Holly and get me a margarita.

So The Hills was on last night. 22 minutes of bikinis, bitching and Spencer in a cowboy hat. And seriously, that’s about it. While I usually stare at the TV open-mouthed at the absurd drama happening over in Hollywood, last night I just sat there, eyes glazed over with that “Whaaaa?” look you’d expect to find on Caitlin Upton’s face.

I just had so many questions. So instead of breaking down the happenings of The Hills this week (which was: Brody had a birthday, Jayde hates Kristin, JB stood Kristin up, Audrina is going out with a new guy who drives a pick-up and likes Tool), I’m going to focus on getting those questions answered.

Please assist.

Question 1:
Seriously, how is Stacie part of this crew now? Can someone please explain how she went from random bartender macking on Spencer and hated by all to Kristin’s new BFF who sleeps over and drinks Cosmos in the morning?

Question 2:
Hey Kristin, you want some flowers and Japanese symbols tattooed on your lower back to go with those cheesy and lame stars on your foot?

Question 3:
WHAT THE EFF IS UP WITH JUSTIN BOBBY’S STOMACH TATTOO?

Question 4:
Who in their right mind would let such an adorable child interact with Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag? Oh, and that hipster dude with the ‘stache. I can see it now: an E! True Hollywood story on the Speidi-kid-next-door. That kid is effed.

Question 5:
What is up with the MTV labels these days? When Justin Bobby is hanging out with Kristin he’s being labeled “Audrina’s Ex Boyfriend.” And Brody is being referred to as “Kristin’s Ex Boyfriend”? Uh, MTV, we know who these guys are; not only do they not need a label at all, but they definitely don’t need labels that stir the pot and start more dramz.

Question 6:
Uh, where is Luke Verge, Brody’s BFF that he chose on Bromance? Why wasn’t he at the party?

Question 7:
Hey Brody, when did you get so deep: ““Love is a horrible, horrible thing when it goes wrong.”

Question 8:
Which will come first: the end of Spencer’s cowboy-hat-wearing days or the end of Speidi’s marriage? On second thought, when will those two turds just GO AWAY?

Much like Larry David, I don’t tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. My gut instincts have gotten me this far in life, so I tend to stick with them whenever I’m faced with a new decision.

However, sometimes, as in last Tuesday when I was watching the season premiere of The Hills, my heart gets in the way and I make a poor decision.

Poor decision #1: baking brownies and thinking I wouldn’t eat the entire tray.
Poor decision #2: giving Kristin a chance to fill my LC void.

I wanted to like Kristin – really, I did. She is spunky and blunt (like me) and she has the kind of perfect hair and style that I strive for. Basically, she’s a much better version of me. Or so I thought.

After last night’s episode I think I might hate that bitch (MTV’s words, not mine) more than Spencer Pratt. Yes, even after he kicked an adorable child out of his house. And no, it has nothing to do with her choice to wear white shorts and white Keds after 1995.

Kristin is my worst nightmare. She’s the kind of girl that wants everyone to think she’s spunky and blunt and honest, because that makes her look better than everyone else. She throws girls under the bus when she’s hanging out with guys to make herself look like the “cool, laid back chick,” then turns around and lies to the very girls she claims are her friends.

The fact that she is trying to convince not only Lo, Stacie (why is this girl friends with Kristin? How did the bartender get into the group? Can someone at MTV explain THAT one, please?!) and Justin Bobby, but also herself, that she met up with JB to tell him nothing was going to happen makes me want to claw her little eyes out.

Listen, Kristin; I’ve been around the block a few times and I know just what to say to get a guy to take you home and get you naked. I also know just what to say if that man is the last person on earth you want to get naked with. I am fairly confident that “I have the best bed” works with the former and “I can’t hook up with you because I respect your big-toothed ex girlfriend” works better in the latter sitch. Just sayin’.

Not that I really need to explain this to anyone, as Kristin and a newly shaved JB were caught sucking face at the club. (Kudos to MTV for that editing – Kristin and Justin Bobby are smooching while Audrina watches some Emo girl band sing “is there anything left that will satisfy me?”) Poor Audrina. Naturally, Stephanie (who is in serious need of a cookie) runs to Audrina to tell her the news. And because Justin Bobby is such a dreamboat, Audrina is a hot mess when she hears this.

“He’s just so different now,” She cried.

Uh, sorry Audrina, but JB is not different at all. He’s still treating you like crapola, just like he did the entire time you were dating.

Well, maybe he did change a little. He shaved, stopped wearing dirty ski caps and refrained from burping and farting on his first date with Kristin. But he’s still the same jerk to Audrina.

I just hope this new couple works out – these too ass-clowns totally deserve each other. And we all know that The Hills needs one totally dysfunctional couple. That used to be Speidi but I have a gut feeling (and I’m totes gonna trust this one) that Heidi is going to wake up one day and realize what an idiot she’s been.

And that her face looks totally ridiculous.

I’d just like to highlight my favorite moments from their relationship last night:

Heidi, discussing her desire to have kids: “He needs to be outside of himself.” Ok, great. She realized what a selfish prick Spencer is, but isn’t it a little LATE TO NOTICE A GIANT CHARACTER FLAW like that?  That isn’t something you can just change about someone. That is who he is until the day he dies (fingers crossed to that happening sooner rather than later. I kid. Sorta).

And Spencer, discussing why he doesn’t want kids: “I can barely be around adults how am I supposed to be hanging out with kids?” If only he realized how much money he could get from selling the photos of his spawn to the Tabloids. The moment that happens, those two turds will have a litter.

Audrina Partridge hates Heidi Montags “music” too.

What did Chris Brown have to say this time?

This sorority took hazing a little too seriously.

Megan Fox has a powerful vagina. Or something.

Go ahead – wear white after Labor Day.

These are some misleading signs…

Anyone else forget that it was Monday yesterday? I spent my day BBQing with friends (or eating whatever they BBQed while I sat on the couch watching tv) only to come home, turn on my TV and realize I was halfway through The Hills. I was devastated (“SPENCER IS SUPPOSED TO APOLOGIZE TONIGHT!!”), but then I realized that MTV was showing the episode 12 more times over the course of the evening.

When I finally did get to watch it, though, I was a little disappointed. I’ve said this before, but I know this show isn’t really real. I think anyone with half a brain and access to Us Weekly would know that. But I hate when MTV is careless with their editing, making it completely impossible for viewers to suspend their common sense and believe that this all might be real.

Case in point: Heidi gets engaged one night and asks Steph (presumably the next day) to invite Lauren. At the same time, Audrina and Lo have already received actual invitations. One might say, “Well, Lauren, that could have been shot months later.” Well, other people, I call bullsh*t, because then they pan back to Heidi and Lauren both talking to Steph about losing her job like it was only yesterday. I don’t know much about weddings (beyond the fact that I probably won’t have one until I’m 40), but I do know that it takes months to plan one and invitations do not just come out the next day.

But whatever. That’s not the point of this post.

The point is that Heidi is trying way too hard. And I’m not talking about the collagen in her lips. She’s trying too hard to bring Lauren back into her life. What happened to playing hard to get, Heids? First she sent Stephanie in to get Lauren to the wedding and she said no. She sent in Stephanie again and Lauren said no. She went to Lauren’s work herself (because people can just pop into your job in LA and no one cares) and Lauren said no…. and also said a whole lot more in a beautiful speech about love and aspiring to be like Heidi. Now, I know this is a tangent, but does anyone remember Heidi from season 1 of The Hills? The girl couldn’t even make it to class and dropped out of school after a week – Lauren aspired to be like a waste of space?

But Heidi didn’t stop there. She then sends Spencer in to make his first apology in 24 years. (Homeboy never apologized to his parents for being born, or to his friend for letting him keep that awful ‘stash?!) And he did it! He called Lauren up and admitted to the sex tape scandal and apologized for being such a turd.

While all this work may actually get Lauren to the wedding (duh, she goes, just watch “scenes from the next episode”), my main issue is that it is not going to get Lauren to be BFF with Heidi again. And that is why Heidi is a moron. She is putting so much pressure on having this person at her wedding – a person who couldn’t care less about her and really wants nothing to do with her and her new husband. Heidi should just focus on her $18,000 wedding dress and how she’s going to work those extensions and stop putting so much focus on whether or not LC will be sitting in the pews on her wedding day.

Oh and Brody? Stop being such a d-bag. I know I’ve always loved you, but it’s a real dick move to let your GF talk all that sh*t about Audrina, and even talk some sh*t too, when you were in the wrong that night too. It’s easy to put all the blame on the other woman, but you messed up too so it’s time to own up and be a man. PS. Audrina is hotter than that mess you are with. That is all.

Are you wasting your time at the gym?

Nikon is racist.

Is Audrina Partridge boning the hottie from Star Trek?

Britney spends a lot of money. Like, a LOT.

Jazzhands!

Are women pushovers when it comes to sex?

Real Housewives reunion gets out of control.

How to bargain shop in your city.

Audrina Partridge getting a clothing line?

Freshen up after a hot summer day.

Another Heidi Montag trainwreck music video.

After watching some weird 80’s flashback episode of Gossip Girl, I was hoping for something a little more…er… modern entertaining when it came to The Hills last night. And besides that weird sequins headband thingy that Steph wore (and that I also wore in 1994 to a dance recital) MTV came through for me once again.

Unlike last week’s episode where nothing really happened, there was a whole lot of action last night. And everyone was at work! This is only the 2nd time we’ve seen anyone working this season. The cast has been too busy jet-setting to get anything done and I really sorta forgot that people in L.A. even have jobs. I figured they just celebrated birthday parties, went clubbing and stayed in fancy resorts in Hawaii year round.

Anyways, people were working. And people, lots of people, were getting the boot.

First there was Steph who chose a lunch date over her job responsibility. Now, I’m sure Steph is good at some things in her life (like causing drama and doing drugs), but having a job isn’t one of them. I mean, isn’t she an intern? Since when do interns get lunch breaks? When I was interning last summer I had to ask permission to pee. And one time that permission wasn’t granted and I had a little, mini, teeny, tiny accident in my pants. The girl was all worried about wearing a professional heel to work, yet she’s not nearly as worried about actually getting her job done. WTF, Steph!?

Then there was Stacie, who randomly had Heidi’s cell phone number and interrupted her busy work week (she really needed a manicure!) by asking her to come to her dirty bar. At first I wasn’t sure why she wanted to have a conversation with Heidi while she was working….in front of other people…. but then I realized she probably wanted witnesses in case Heidi started pulling her hair. Or going all Tony Soprano on her. But that’s not the point. The point is that Stacie doesn’t think Spencer is “worth it.” Personally, I don’t think Spencer is worth anything, but what is Stacie talking about? They aren’t friends! Fighting over Spencer isn’t costing either of them anything, so why does she care to put the situation behind her?

The last kid to get kicked to the curb (where I’m pretty sure he sleeps at night) was Justin Bobby. And I have one thing to say: FINALLY! I was actually pretty proud of Audrina for sitting down and just saying her peace. I’ve been there, honey, and while I think JB looks like a sidewalk dweller, I know how it is to be sucked back in by a guy that you love. So way to be, Audrina! And way to make him chase you. And way to make him say ridiculous things like, “Yeah you go through your little gates.” It made me laugh. He was just so angry!

Let’s just hope JB doesn’t make any cameos the rest of the season. And let’s hope Steph goes apesh*t when Lauren fires her. Oh, and maybe sometime in the near future Spencer Pratt might start rapping?! Ugh. Who woulda thought that would be the one to come true?!

Spring fashion hits the high seas.

JT and Andy Samberg love moms.

The secrets of The Biggest Loser!

Have you been to a naked party?

Happy 24th, Audrina Partridge!