It took every fiber of my being not to fall asleep during last night’s episode of The Hills. And not because I only slept for four hours on Monday night after an outdoor beer pong tournament went a little longer than expected. That sh*t was just boring. Boooooring. I swear, an 8am Bio lecture would have been more riveting than whatever happened (or did not happen) on The Hills.

Not that I shouldn’t have expected it. When the show started with Kristin and Stacy talking in a salon while two random stylists just sorta moved their hair around, I should have known I was in for a snoozer.

Now that Speidi’s out of the picture (and busy with their “divorce”), MTV’s really scraping the bottom of the drama barrel. You know you’ve got problems when the return of Justin Bobby and his combat boots is the most exciting thing going on. It seems those producers searched high and low for an exciting storyline to round out the final season…. And then gave up. I can only imagine what that production meeting was like.

“OK, so Spencer accused me of sexually harassing Heidi, so they’re out. What do we have now?”

[Crickets.]

“Ughhh. Fine. Let’s just bring in the girl who spells her name all funny who is more boring than LC and then…. Hmmm… I got it! Let’s bring in that 40-year-old woman who broke into Brody’s house a few years back.”

And there you have it. The final season of The Hills.

I have to give it to those MTV peeps, though. I mean, it’s not like they’re not trying. Getting Mckaela a “job” with Lo and having them become BFFs is sure to stir the pot, right? Of course they know (or instructed her to) Lo would invite Mckaela to Steph’s (sober) birthday party, even though every girl who’s ever had a guy friend knows that’s a bad idea. Come on – she’s Brody’s friend first, right? If he wanted LC’s doppelganger there he would have invited her himself. Get with it, Lo.

Rule #1 when having a player guy friend: You don’t get close to the girl until the relationship is official. Otherwise it’s awkward city.

But it was fine; Mckaela came prepared, a la Daniel Staub when she attended that event at the Brownstone, and she brought protection. In the form of a creepy, old looking blonde. And when they walked in, I was pumped. I perked up in my seat, hoping for the first time in 12 minutes that something exciting was going to happen. That maybe there would be a girl fight (with hair pulling and clawing). That producers would have to bust in and pull the girls apart like they do every single episode on The Duel.

But all I got was Brody and Kristin storming out for some late night nookie.
Snooze.

And then if things couldn’t get any more boring, Ryan Cabrera came back to town. From a two week “tour.” And what did Audrina do? Hug him like a 6^th grader at a middle school dance and then come up with 12 reasons why they shouldn’t be together. Naturally, because Audrina is the best this kid is ever gonna do now that Ashlee Simpson is married and a mama, Ryan fought back, shooting down every excuse Audrina came up with. And naturally, Audrina’s brain went into overload and she melted down, unable to come up with a response.

So I guess they’re still together?
Snore.

Eventually the show ended, Kristin and Mckaela met up for a drink (which no one paid for) and I passed out on my couch like a little baby with a belly full of warm milk.

So in the end, I guess the show wasn’t a total loss; I haven’t slept that well in weeks.

Which bitch wants him more?

The main reason any of us watch The Hills is because the lives of all those pretty people in L.A. are more exciting and dramatic than our own. They go out to fabulous clubs, they eat at the best restaurants, they drive the nicest cars and they hang out with the prettiest people.

And they get into bitch brawls at the bar.

But, to be honest, the big fight between Jayde and Kristin last night at The Playhouse was nothing compared to the ones I’ve seen in real life. Not to mention, I’m getting quite sick of The Playhouse. Why is that the only bar they’re going to? What happened to Le Deux? H-Wood? That sh*thole Stacie used to work in?

Anyways, I understand fighting over Brody Jenner – he’s a fine piece of man-meat – but fight like you mean it, women. Throw some punches! Pull some hair! Break a bottle over someone’s head! (Sorry, I’ve just always wanted to see that in real life.) Do something instead of using words that you know MTV is gonna have to bleep out.

We all know that Jayde knows how to get in a real bar brawl; she did it just last month with Joe Francis. Why couldn’t she bring some of that heat last night? Seriously, what does a girl have to do to get some real drama around here? You better step up your game, Kristin Cavallari and co., or I’m gonna have to knock you out of my rotation to make room on my DVR for The Ruins. At least I’ll see some blood. Lord knows I’d rather see that than Brody’s mom’s thong hanging out of her jeans. (Didn’t notice it? Lucky…)

But it’s all OK. Despite the lack of chick fighting (and an unfortunate view of old-woman booty), there were two very key moments that made last night’s episode of The Hills worth watching:

1. Spencer almost gets a vasectomy or, as he calls it, “So you do go punch into the nuts.” It’s always nice to see a mature adult discuss a serious procedure like this with his doctor. Just the thought of someone taking away Spencer’s abilities to reproduce made me giddy. If that doctor could have convinced Spencer to go through with the procedure he would have won a Nobel Prize, for sure. Unfortch, comparing Spence’s penis parts to types of pasta sent ol’ flesh-beard over the edge and he ran out of there like a little biatch.

2. Audrina meets up with Justin Bobby to tell him that she still…um…you know….gosh, why is this so hard?….she likes him. And what does JB do? What he always does, of course; he turns it around and makes Audrina feel like she did this to him.

“When you pushed me away you pushed me into someone else.”

Uggggh, Justin Bobby. UGH! But that’s not even my biggest issue. No. JB has always been a giant dickhead to Audrina – who is really surprised by that anymore? The real problem here is that he wore a leather jacket without a shirt under it. WHO DOES THAT? Can you imagine what that smells like if he’s sweating in there? OMG, just the thought is bringing my Kashi Go Lean Crunch back up.

Ok, now correct me if I’m wrong, but Brody did come out of his hotel room in Hawaii and tell all the boys that he cheated on Jayde, right? (And what the hell kind of stripper name is Jayde, really?!) Does Brody consider sitting up all night talking about his GF with another girl cheating or was he just trying to impress his friends by telling them that he cheated?

Because this week we learn that he didn’t hook up with Audrina at all and they just slept – yes, slept – in the same bed. Being an adult woman, I do consider that inappropriate for someone in a relationship, but I wouldn’t call that cheating. And if it were my boyfriend, I wouldn’t get my trashy, Playmate entourage to stick their fake press-on nails in that poor girl’s face.

It’s not that big a deal. And my friends don’t wear fake nails.

I felt really bad for Audrina. Yes, it seems like girls in L.A. don’t understand the boundaries of liking men who are committed to someone else (See: Stacie…. if you consider Spencer to be a man), but Brody totally led that girl on. And then left her out to dry as his tranny-looking GF attacked her. I swear, if Audrina stuck around a little longer Jayde was gonna knock her out with the empty Jager bottle.

If Jayde was really so mad, she should take a break from Brody. But no – she can’t do that. Her career already peaked when she got naked for Playboy, so she’s gotta keep Brody around so she can get another 15 minutes of un-earned fame. Too bad having her back means taking a trip down Speidi path where he is going to alienate all of his friends just to have sex with a Playmate.

Seriously, if people attempted to learn about relationships from this show they’d walk away thinking that people in love make stupid decisions and end up losing all their friends. WTF, MTV?

I mean, look at Spencer and Heidi. They totally moved to Spray Tan/Blonde Hair Island and no one else was invited. Now they are in “therapy” dealing with the fact that they only have eachother…and it’s not that great. I could have told them that, you know, if I cared to see them in a happy relationship. But I didn’t and now they are spending their Saturday afternoons with a therapist instead of chasing the paparazzi through Hollywood and fake making out.

Gosh, I just hope they make it work. I really don’t know how it’s all going to turn out for them. Will they take that walk down the aisle? Will Heidi wear a Monique Lhullier dress and 1 million dollars in borrowed diamonds? Will Stephanie and Holly be the bridesmaids? Will LC show up? What about Kristen Cavillari? And will there be a weird pandemic of some dangerous flu that comes out of Mexico forcing Speidi to shorten their honeymoon and makeout in the airport wearing surgical masks?

I just don’t know. And we’re going to have to wait and find out. Ah! The suspense is going to kill me!!

Are they gone yet? Good. I mean, who the hell would miss that? I don’t know about you, but I’ve been waiting for this episode since 10:31 pm last Monday. Pathetic? You bet!

Ok, let’s get started. Can I get a dayuuum for the ending? I don’t know about you, but I didn’t see that one coming. Nice curveball, MTV! Here I thought Spencer and Heidi had the ultimate romantic wedding in the courthouse, but they didn’t go through with it! I don’t really know why; Heidi looked so happy as was dragged into the courtroom to marry her hairy lover. And then when she started to cry a mixture of Botox and tears as she told Spencer that she wanted her mom at her wedding – that was a really tender moment. And, um, Spencer agreed?

I cheered!

It is no secret that I hate that man and his facial hair (that was dipping into his mouth all episode…gross), but I have to say that his little speech to her at the end was actually really cute. Ok, maybe not cute, but I didn’t have the urge to reach through the TV and strangle him, so that’s something.

Now, I know that those 2 lovebirds were supposed to be the main focus of the show, and they did have me gasping, but there was so much more happening on this supersized episode.

Like the reunion between Lauren and Heidi when they both “somehow” end up at the same event (how did that happen!?). Heidi, standing with her 2 sisters (aw), spies Lauren and Lo and asks Stephanie if she should go see them. Steph tells her it’s a great idea: “They knew they’d run into you here.”

Right. Because Lauren not walking over to say hi isn’t an obvious enough signal that she wants nothing to do with Heidi. So, Heidi goes over there and they chat, and it looks a little like this: I miss you, things are really hard, tears, I want you back in my life, OMG are you working out? I miss you lots, lets hug, bye madam. I am not sure what all that meant, but what I got was that Lauren’s blazer is hiding her love handles.

Note to self: buy blazer.

While everyone else was at the party of the century, Audrina and Justin Bobby were riding his Hog off into the sunset for a romantic weekend for two (plus the MTV camera crew). Because nothing says romance like a pair of overalls with a muscle shirt underneath followed by chugging a bottle of champagne (from the bottle) and calling your lady, “dude.”

Awwww!

And the romance doesn’t end there! JB also ordered Audrina filet and asparagus – a giant and expensive meal that she will most likely not eat/throw up later. Then he used his teeth to pull some tin foil ring off his pinky finger and kinda sorta told her he wanted to be with her long term. This was not easy to understand, of course, because he made very vague and non-committal statements and forced Audrina to agree. What she agreed to, I have no idea. It sorta reminded me of the time that DJ got married without knowing it on Full House when she walked around the table 3 times with that Greek kid.

Are Audrina and JB married? Who knows? What I do know is that this season of The Hills is Dunzo like Kristen Cavallari’s “career,” and we all have to wait until next season – or Heidi and Spencer’s next awful photo shoot – to find out what’s happening next.

Thank God we have The City comin’ next week – something to live for.

(Come back tomorrow for our inside look at The Hills season finale party!)

But, still – the episode actually opened up a lot more questions than it answered. Questions like:

1) What is the point of the whole Stephanie/Cameron relationship? I mean, really, why did this story line ever exist? Was it to show us that boys like Stephanie? Did MTV hope for it to cause more tension than it did? Maybe a bar brawl between Cameron, Brody and his Bromancers? Was it to bring Steph and Spencer together, or maybe tear them apart? Why?!

The love story lasted for like 5 minutes over the span of 6 episodes, so why are we supposed to care that they broke up? I just don’t understand. Enlighten me, people. (Speaking of Cameron, did anyone else notice when he tried to kiss Heidi hello and he totally got the back of her head? Awkward!)

2) Did MTV force Lauren’s parents out of their house? Lauren’s epiphanies about moving on and growing up seem a bit too…er…advanced for her to have come up with on her own, which leads me to believe that this was yet another scripted moment by the folks at MTV. Does that mean, then, that they forced her parents to move out of their mansion so they could create this moment? That’s a lot of packing for one crappy episode.

3) Did Whitney sit on a plane for 6 hours (12 round-trip!) in that dress? God, she must have been cold. And did they intentionally have her NY doppelganger come get her at the bottom of the stairs at the DVF office? That girl was totally her twin, right? Am I right? It was almost trippy, sort of a “this is gonna be you…exactly” moment.

4) How on earth did MTV get the Heidi/Spencer wedding episode edited and ready to roll for next week when it just happened 2 weeks ago?

Interesting. Interesting indeed.

So, I was gone for a few weeks and missed out on a lot of Hills recapping. I was so excited to get back into it…until I actually watched tonight’s totally sucky episode. Like most episodes of The Hills, nothing really happened. In fact, the entire show can be broken down into two sentences:

Lauren and Audrina make up.

Spencer acts like a douche in front of his Nana.

Now, let’s take a closer look.

The show begins with Lauren talking to Lo about Audrina and Audrina talking to that coworker of hers about Lauren. LC vents to Lo that Audrina attacked her and doesn’t trust her. Audrina tells her coworker all about how the entire conversation she had with Lauren the night before was a “total scream fest.” (Really, Audrina? A scream fest? Maybe that is because you were at a bar. Surrounded by people and loud music. Ever think of that? Maybe LC had to scream, so you could HEAR HER.)

Watching these conversations happen reminded me that there are 3 sides to every story. And that you shouldn’t let your insecurities get the best of you (Audrina!). Oh, and that you should always wash your hair and put on makeup when your coworker is on an MTV reality show.

Audrina and Lauren end up meeting up again to make up. (Note: Good move with the crying, Audrina. You knew that would get LC back on your side.) Not surprisingly, they do it at a bar. Is this how things work in LA? Do people ever do things in the privacy of their own homes? I usually reserve my fights with people for Instant Messenger (what? I hate confrontation), but most of the people I know would prefer to have a fight in the comforts of their home, rather than getting dolled up to duke it out at a lounge.

But I’m from the Midwest, so what do I know?

Now it’s time to move onto the Spencer/Nana sitch. Is it just me or is this a really random story line? Yes, I realize this show is “reality,” but clearly MTV put this little diddy in for a reason, and I’d like to know what that is.

To attract an older audience?

To show that the Pratt family isn’t completely evil?

Because there is really nothing exciting happening at Casa De Pratt?

Why on earth is Nana on The Hills? And even more, why the hell does Spencer gossip to his freaking Nana? When I am with my grandma we play Rummikub and talk about why I am not married yet. I don’t call her up and tell her that my brother won’t talk to me cuz I hooked up with his best friend at his wedding.

There are just some things that grandmas don’t need to know. But I guess Spencer never got that memo. Anyways, maybe next week we’ll find out about Spencer’s recent obsession with/borderline kid napping of his Nana. Until then I’ll be drinking lemonade and eating cookies. Nana’s looked so good, I couldn’t help but get some of my own.

Well, tonight’s episode of The Hills definitely made up for last week’s lackluster performance. Big things happened! Audrina moved out! Heidi got drunk! And then she got fired!

OMFG it’s like drama overload.

Ok, breathe, Lauren. Let’s start from the beginning.

So, Audrina decides she wants to move out of the house and – poof! – she finds a place. And not just any place; a beautiful, huge, brand new place. What luck?! I mean, I spent 2 months looking for an apartment in NY before I found one…that was in Queens…and I shared with a girl who got drunk and ate in the bathroom and another girl who abused Ambien. Did I mention the lack of A/C?

But Audrina finds a beautiful house and buys it with all that money she makes as an assistant. At first I was happy for her to finally be getting out of the LC and Lo Love Pad, until I realized that she bought it for Justin Bobby. I bought a Green Day CD for the boy I loved once and that was the biggest regret of my life (and he didn’t wear a cut off denim shirt/dirty beanies); I just hope Audrina didn’t make the worst financial mistake of her lifetime.

I just wish I could smack that girl around and make her see that a house with lots of candles and white flowy sh*t is not going to get that boy to commit. He likes to speak in riddles and sound intelligent when he’s really just dumb. HE IS NOT GOING TO COMMIT TO YOU.

While Audrina was out house hunting (and LC was crying to Whitney about losing another roommate), Heidi was busy getting sh*tfaced at work. Obviously the girl was gonna get hammered off of two drinks – she hasn’t eaten in 4 years. What isn’t so obvious is why she thought it was a good idea to get drunk at work after pissing her boss off the last time he was around.

“Hm,” she thinks to herself. “I’m already on his bad side, so I totally have to impress him….I’m gonna invite my douchey boyfriend to the party. That I am working at. The most important party ever for this company. But that’s not all; I will also invite Audrina and her sister with the tat sleeves and THEN I am gonna get drunk on top of that! This will surely do the trick! Promotion!”

Looks like that one backfired, Heidi. Too bad your boyfriend ruins everything; he took you away from your friends, your family and now your job. What’s next? Your Botox specialist? Your personal shopper at Neimans? When will you learn, Heidi Montag? WHEN?

Madonna is dressed to kill…literally

Bush hates pirates

Getting sick in college for dummies

McCain doesn’t roll on Shabbos

Don’t worry!! She’s still a size 0!!

Who’s got a hate-on for Tom Brady?

Angelina teaches kids to play with knives

Marcia was a ho — and other secrets

Why don’t know why she’s famous either

Miley has lived such a full life…

An America by any other name would just be Georgina

Natalie Portman will ALWAYS be better than you

Troubs for Sam and LiLo?!

Audrina poses in a bikini to stay famous

Steven Colbert and Spiderman

Audrina is a lying idiot

Annnnd Whitney is getting her own spin-off!

Seriously.  Don’t invent sh*t like this

Katie Holmes…sings?

Seth Rogan is gonna (try to) make cancer funny

Speaking of horrible diseases…

Cosmo Girl goes down like the stock market

The 105-year-old Virgin

Michelle Rodriguez, lord of the dildos

Man, they really are short

Bruce…are you Santa?

UT students want their political say

Not all grandparents are nice…

Austin Powers actor is actually a terrible human being

Last night’s episode of The Hills was monumental. Huge. The early-20s-drama-rific equivalent to the falling of the Berlin Wall.

(Thanks to Holly’s constant pushing and manipulating) Heidi wrote LC a letter.

I know! Heidi can write?!

Well, sorta. The letter went a little something like this:

Dear Lauren,

Heidi Montag

I have so many questions, so let’s get to them. 1) When someone makes a blanket apology, does it count? 2) What exactly is Heidi including in this apology? That she left her BFF to date a total d-bag? That she turned into a plastic bimbo? That she subjected everyone to her horrible “music”? That she spread rumors about LC’s ladyparts to the entire world? 3) How many Heidi’s do you think there are sending LC apology letters that she has to sign her last name? 4) Did Heidi really write this letter, or was this whole thing crafted by Holly to get Spencer out of the picture and let everyone else live happily ever after?

Speaking of Holly – seriously, when did the girl get trendy? Does anyone else remember what she looked like when we met her, like, 3 episodes ago? And now she’s all doin’ her hair all fancy and wearing sparkly dresses…I don’t care if Heidi took her to get a makeover; no one makes a style turnaround that quickly.

But even though I think she secretly stashed a personal stylist in Speidi’s apartment, I am starting to sorta, well, love Holly Montag. The way she stood up to Spencer at the end of the episode after he got all “I’m gonna eff you up for talking about LC.” (Seriouly, I swear that dude is doing something bad to Heidi…she looked so scared of him.) I would like to think she may be the one to get rid of that turd, even though we all know good and well that he’s still around.

Oh yeah. And other things happened last night, too. Audrina went on a date with “the happiest drunk in the world.” He also looked like he showered (point), only had one name (point) and was really sweet to her (even if it was borderline pathetic, point), yet she couldn’t stop talking about Justin Bobby.

Snoozefest.

Thankfully, they will be spicing things up next week with a little skinny dipping action. Otherwise, I can totes do without Audrina and her weird bands and ridiculous body (that I could never have, even if I paid for it).