Yes, I have a problem.

But there are some things about technology that drive me crazy. Mostly, the things other people do (because I’m perfect). Things that make me truly hate the person enough to un-friend them. And not just on Facebook. And I’m not just talking about sending me invites to awful Facebook applications (“Send me a drink!”) or people who confuse “your” and “you’re” in a status update; I’m talking about real technology offenders.

So here is my personal list of 5 technological straws that break this tech camel’s back:

1. Mass Text Messages: It is totally cute and thoughtful of you to think of me on a holiday, an anniversary or when you pass by something that reminds you of me (like the vibrator store…seriously), but not so much when I find out that 14 other people happened to get the same thoughtful message. Why do we all remind you of vibrators? Wasn’t that our thing?

2. Plans via Text: I love texting. It’s a pretty benign form of communication when you wanna flirt and the perfect way to talk sh*t about someone who happens to be in the same room. What I don’t like is when you try and make plans with me via text when it would take 1/100th of the time to do it on the phone. If it is going to take more than 3 texts, call me! You’re giving me carpal tunnel and bumping up my phone bill.

3. The “Ok” text: Speaking of annoying text etiquette…maybe you don’t pay per text message, but I DO. There is no need to respond to my “I’ll be there in 5″ text with an “Ok.” That “Ok” just cost me $.10, so cough it up, chump.

4. Un-funny away messages: I know that I have really high expectations for the people in my life when it comes to humor, but if there is one thing that gets totally under my skin it is people who put up status/away messages that just aren’t funny. I am not reading your away message because I care what your class schedule is; I’m reading it because I’m procrastinating on a paper (or bored on the toilet) and need to be entertained. If I liked you enough to care where you were at any given moment (or to care that your bus was 26 minutes late this morning and it’s going to be a really bad day), I would know about it. Trust me.

5. People who answer the phone when they can’t talk: Seriously? Did you have to pick up the phone in the movie and whisper, “I’m in a movie. I can’t talk!”?  Not only are you annoying the people around you, but you’re annoying me. I don’t want to sit there and listen to your whispers/imagine your hot breath on my ear. Ew. Just don’t answer it.  That is why god invented voicemail.

It’s hard, because I usually use FB to communicate with close friends who may have moved far away since our glory days as high school minors, and I often forget that I have a few hundred random people who really DON’T need to know my personal details. So, fellow collegiates, the next time you sit down and log in, take some of the following factors into consideration and reconfigure your FB behavior.

1. Poking is not a form of flirtation.

WTF? It’s a poke. It’s been around since the birth of Facebook, and it’s never made any sense. Maybe years ago, when FB was a baby, it was funny to have an online program that allowed you to “poke” people, but now, it’s played out. What comes from the poke? One of two things: The ignored poke, which will make you feel uber lame, or the “poke back.” And what comes from that?

2. “Gifts” are not actually gifts.

Whenever a free gift pops up, I think of a reason to send it to my cousin (who may or may not actually be my fraternal twin). However, spending $1 on a graphic is just lame. Especially when they sell out. HELLO! Virtual icons cannot sell out, because they don’t actually exist!!!! So, instead of spending a dollar to send your BFF a cartoon teddy bear, or your crush a virtual pair of panties as a sorry way to flirt, save your money and buy something that can be wrapped.

3. Your status does not need to reflect your deepest feelings, and does not need to be updated more than once a day.

I’m guilty of this one. But it’s true. FB statii have become the new away message. But in the third person. So you can’t even put up a (so you think) meaningful quote without saying something to the effect of “CJ says, in the words of Shakespeare, ‘The Lunatic, the lover, and the poet are of imagination all compact.” It’s effing Facebook. No need to go poetic. Besides, you have limited space, so you may not even be able to say everything you want to… which is a blessing in disguise.

4. You don’t need to attempt to FB chat with someone just because you don’t know their screen name.

There are loads of people who don’t even know how to work the FB chat, so chances are, you’ll send a “Hiiii! You there?!?” message that will never be returned. You’ll feel awkward, and who knows if the person on the receiving end will even get it. Unless you have successfully FB chatted with someone in the past, I highly suggest refraining from initiating the catch-up convo in this manner. Especially when you’re drunk.

Seriously, when you’re drunk, just leave the Facebook chat alone. Really. Please.

5. There is no reason to spend more time on Facebook than on your studies.

Well, besides the fact that profile updates are more entertaining than the history of the Civil War. But do you really want to be that person who is ALWAYS online? Go take a walk, go to the gym, hell, have some face-to-face interaction with someone!

6. Know your privacy settings. And even if you do, proceed with caution.

Over the past few years, several news stories have broken out in regards to people whose lives have been ruined due to Facebook and Myspace content. Teachers who post pics with a beer in their hand are fired, high school kids with less-than-scholarly profiles have been denied college admission. You know it. If you have party pics online, set your profile to private. You might even want to block certain people from certain photo albums. Just keep in mind that you might not even remember some of the people that you added months ago, whom you might not want to let into your personal life.

I’ve written about my various issues with Facebook before, but the improper use of the Facebook status now tops my list of things that drive me crazy.I don’t believe in Facebook statuses (stati?). I find 93% of them unnecessary and the other 7% contradictory. What am I supposed to think when someone’s Facebook status says they’re doing work ALL night, their away message says they’re wasted, and their Gmail status says they love the new Beyonce song? Where do I even try to start a conversation? Should I meet them in the library at 4 a.m with a tray of shots and the lyrics to “If I Were a Boy”?

But that’s not even my biggest concern with the Facebook Status. My issue is the “IS.” Over a year ago Facebook removed the obligatory “IS” from the status. But every day (Ok, 3 times a day) I sign on and people are not only still using the “IS,” but they are using it incorrectly:

Gena is CoUlD iT bE aNy CoLdeR?

Mallory is LOST MY PHONE. LOL.

Sharon is HAHA Beverly Hills chihuahua was soooo funny.

Yes, I am kinda a grammar snob, but come on people! The problem is so easy to fix:

1. If you just love the “IS” so much that you can’t live without it, then add a few more words.

Gena is curious to know if it could be any colder

2. Delete the “IS”

Mallory lost her phone. LOL.

3. Reconsider posting a status that reflects badly on yourself

Sharon has no status.

Even though I will never like the Facebook status, I will always appreciate a grammatically correct one. Bonus points if it’s funny.

Join CollegeCandy’s Facebook group. We promise that all of our status messages are error free!

That doesn’t mean you have to throw in the non-recyclable towel. There are so many things you can do to reduce your carbon footprint and give back to Mother Earth. Here are some tips to help the planet and inspire your peers to do the same:

1. Skip the single serving snack-packs. Get a big bag and make your own single-serving portion in a small plastic bag when you’re on the go. Wash the bag out when you’re done and do it again the next time. It’s that easy.

2. Chill out with the AC. Tons of college students keep their AC’s running just because they can. That’s not cool! (Note: yes, the pun was intended.) Don’t act like a monkey when it comes to the environment. Leaving your AC running while you’re out hurts the planet regardless of whether or not you’re paying the bill.

3. Turn off your computer. I know, I know. It’s so tempting to leave your AIM on all day long so your friends can leave you little messages and see which classes you’re in, etc. BUT (there is always a “but”), it’s better for the planet and your computer if you just shut it off when you leave.

4. Buy used books. Not only is buying new books bad for the environment (because it supplies a demand for deforestation), but it’s also way more expensive than buying used books. Plus, used books may already have tons of helpful notes scribbled in the margins, which will help a ton come finals.

5. Take notes on your computer. Bring your laptop to class and take notes on it instead of in a notebook. Not only will you save on paper (again, good for your wallet and the environment), but if you’re anything like me, you’ll have much more organized notes.

6. Bring your own cup. It’s really easy yet so many people don’t do this. Have a mug in your bag for coffee when you make a stop before class. Just because you need to stop at Starbucks doesn’t mean that you have to use one (or two) of their paper cups with the logo on it. And if you do need to wear the logo, buy one of their mugs and use that each time. (You can also carry your own container for water from the fountain, sodas, or whatever else you drink.)

7. Avoid the bottled beer. When you’re out at the bar buy anything but the bottled beer. Beer on tap, for example, gets put into big pint glasses. The bar washes them and reuses them. Your Corona Light, however, ends up in the garbage and who knows whether or not your local college bar recycles. (Editor’s Note: It most likely does not.)

8. Read your school newspaper online. In fact, read all your entertainment online. You can get newspapers, magazines, entertainment, and even books online these days. There’s hardly an excuse to buy print media, especially considering the fact that it drains our resources from the planet.

9. Ask your teacher about email. When I was in college, it was totally acceptable to email my professors my homework assignments and papers. Many teachers prefer grading things online and not having to deal with shuffling papers from classroom to classroom. Don’t print out anything you don’t need to (class syllabus, assignments and review sheets included).

10. Buy used. This applies to more than just your books. It applies to your clothes, your furnishings, your bike, your car…everything. A lot of people think that they can’t have a leather coat and also be Green, but that is not true! Used things have already been made; it’s worse to let them go to waste than to not use them at all. Keep that in mind before you buy anything brand new again.

It can be hard to have a positive influence on those around you in college, but believe me it’s much better to try to do the right thing and hope people follow than to just follow. Lead by example and show everyone else how easy going Green can be.

I remember having a drunken bonding moment with a really cool guy in college a few years ago, and he asked for my number. I asked for his screen name instead. I mean, IM-ing someone is so much more casual, and so much less stressful. You don’t have to feel your heart thumping through your chest as the phone rings. Is he going to answer? Is it going to go to voicemail? Is he blocking me? What do I say if he picks up?

With IM, you can see if he’s away or idle, and choose your own adventure from there. You can leave a casual “Just wanted to say I had a great time last night” IM, rather than starting a phone call with the same line and then struggling to make small talk. Likewise, you can make small talk behind the shield of the IM window, where he can’t hear your voice crack, and where you can copy and paste the whole convo to all of your girlfriends and get advice while you try to weed out his intentions.

And then came Facebook. The social network has made quite the mark on the dating scene. There’s the poke, which can be viewed as casual, flirty, or creepy. There’s the “it’s complicated” label for the relationship you’re in (finally- you can be open about having a f*ck buddy without warding off the rest of the male population!); and of course, there’s the wall post, which makes the casual IM seem like the awkward phone call of yesteryear.

I mean, the Facebook Comment is meant to be a quick exchange, with no pressure to make conversation. When you make a phone call, you have to come up with a discussion and keep the ball rolling. When you IM, there’s still the slight chance that he comes un-idle and writes back. With the F/B comment, it’s open and shut. Even if he writes back immediately, you can pretend you didn’t read it, and wait until the drunken-hookup hormones die down before you decide whether you want to pursue a fling or keep it casual.

Even better, the post-date phone call screams “interested.” So there’s not really a way to let someone down gently. You meet, you have a date, you feel a connection. Then you wait three days. If he calls, he wants you; if he doesn’t, you’re done. But Facebook gives people a chance to be “friends” first (and I use the term loosely, since Facebook friends and true camaraderie are entirely different entities). But the “friending” option is beneficial in two crucial ways. One, you don’t owe a Facebook friend anything. You don’t owe him a date, just like he doesn’t owe you an explanation if his last fifteen comments are from blonde supermodels in training. Two, since you don’t owe him a date, you can safely flirt through F/B until you know it’s time to make a move.

Say you meet someone at a party, and your buzz makes you believe you could be compatible. He calls, and you’re pressured to make some sort of plans. Then you have to fake food poisoning and skip out on the check because the beer goggles have flown off with the force of a Kansas tornado. However, if you have access to his Facebook, you can check out his interests, his friends, and, most importantly, his photos. You can also poke and message for an undetermined amount of time, and bide your time until you’re ready to meet up again.

Yeah, Facebook and Myspace have their flaws, which you’ll discover when you’re denied a job because a recruiter saw your kegstand photos during a background check. But they’ve changed the face of relationships. And personally, I think the dating scene has gotten easier. Nobody ever got an STD from a cyber-poke.

[photo from jupiterimages]

Or how about Freshman year in college when you somehow managed to get your crush’s AIM name, and then proceeded to sit over the keyboard for hours, sweating about if IMing him and “just saying hi” would somehow make you a creepy stalker?

If you’re in my generation, you grew up with AIM, just like you grew up with boy bands and obesity. Growing up with AIM means that we’re all too familiar with the “Away Message”, a strange societal habit of TMI. Even though Away Messages tend to vacillate, there are a few that pop up time and time again. Below, we’ve captured the top 5 familiar few.

5) The “Annoyingly In Love While the Rest of the World Suffers Alone” Message:

4) The “Feel Free to Stalk Me” Message:

3) The “Needlessly Profound” Message:

2) The “Random Emo Poetry” Message:

1) The “Come On, You’ve Gotta Give Us Something” Message: