Gentlemen, take a deep breath. You might not be too happy about the latest news from the science world.

Scientists have, for the first time, successfully created human sperm from stem cells. No, the sperm don’t have the face of Woody Allen and his awkward sense of humor; they have all the characteristics of naturally produced sperm, from the head to the tail. Although “functional tests” have yet to be conducted to see if sperm generated from stem cells can fertilize an egg (shot-not on being the testee! Tee hee…), the new breakthrough has been causing quite a stir – and some anxiety for the male population.

The sperm will be used to study male infertility, but there exists an underlying worry about the viability of “petri dish” babies and the possibility that men will no longer be necessary for human reproduction. While researchers involved in the study are quickly dismissing those ideas in something of a damage control media blitz, this development certainly opens the door to consideration.

So, what would the world be like if we didn’t need men? Certainly, we women would be less annoyed on a daily basis. No more fighting over the remote, no more waiting for him to call…wait a sec! Does this mean we wouldn’t have to wear make-up anymore? Can I kiss my razor goodbye? Hey, I’m kinda liking this alternative world!

Oh, relax, guys. Fortunately for you, scientists have only been able to create artificial sperm from male stem cells. You have nothing to worry about…yet. But if they figure out a way to make functional sperm with female stem cells, then we’ll have to revisit this topic of discussion. That’s when you’ll have to be afraid. And be afraid, boys. Be very afraid. (Mostly of women sans makeup or smooth, hairless legs…)

Breaking: We think we may have found the gift registry of Bristol Palin and her baby daddy.

As strange and funny as it is, we are seriously hoping this isn’t real. When your mom puts a tanning bed in the Governor’s Mansion, is it really crazy to assume you’d be registered at Pottery Barn Kids instead of JCPenny?

Not to mention the fact that this registry looks like it’s more for Bristol and Levi than it is for a baby. We can’t begin to fathom what a newborn would do with a Tin Can Alley Shooting Gallery.

Take a look at the probably fake but incredibly hil-arious registry HERE.

I know what you’re thinking, “What if he’s super cute, funny, smart, has a great job—essentially the picture perfect prince charming, except for the fact he already has a kid?” Alright, so what if he’s Brad Pitt? I still wouldn’t date him. And yes, I wouldn’t date him just because he has kids.

While plenty of my friends wouldn’t turn down Brad Pitt, most of them also wouldn’t turn down a baby daddy. The way they see it, if you really, really like a guy and he really, really likes you, why let the fact that he has a kid come between the two of you? This is true. Very true. But let’s not forget that in most cases, dating a baby daddy means not only dating the baby daddy, but the baby mama as well. So, really, your relationship wouldn’t just be you and your man but you, your man, his kid and his Ex (or whoever happens to be his baby mama).

Essentially, dating a baby daddy is like begging the deities for major DRAMA — not to mention suddenly becoming semi to completely responsible for a child. Who needs all that? Right now, not me. Which is why I’ll be sticking to the super cute, funny and smart guys with great jobs who DON’T have babies. Lucky for me, there are more of those guys to go around.

What about you? Would you consider dating a baby daddy or baby mama?

[photo from www.aromababy.com]

Breaking News: George Clooney is still the perfect man

Ladies, this guy understands romance

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Turn that frown upside down…with semen!

Why wouldn’t you want to watch a mini-van talk show?

How the mighty have fallen–Fantasia got fired!

Jackson family to fill the void in TV industry

Apparently, teen girls are more impressionable than we thought

…which might explain the trend of Baby Stilletos

It’s a piece of spermicidized film that “is manually inserted high into the vagina” to prevent pregnancy. However, not only do you have to really get that shiz up in there (and I mean REALLY up in there–check the little illustration), it’s not even as effective as a condom.

According to Planned Parenthood, the spermicide used in this product is not very effective.

And just for your own purposes, here is another pretty good resource: GoAksAlice.

I don’t know. I mean, on the one hand, the site offers a free sample (and God knows I love a free sample, almost as much as I like a wide-legged pant…but I digress). So it won’t cost you anything to try it out.

Unless, of course, you get pregnant as a result.

And then it’ll cost you a whole lotta baby (and maybe some unwanted baby daddy too).

Well, I don’t know. I haven’t used it. Anybody here tried VCF? Am I totally off base?

Just kidding, but with all the relentless (and unprotected) celebrity sex stuff going on recently, that sort of thing wouldn’t be hard to believe.

In case you’re not big into tabloids (but of course you are, since like, what else is there to read these days?), Little Spears isn’t the only one on the fast and furious “accidentally pregnant” train. 22-year-old singer Lilly Allen announced she’s carrying Chemical Brothers musician Ed Simons’s baby almost at the exact second Jamie Lynn jumped onto the cover of Ok! Magazine, while beating out both starlets in the baby drama department was presidential hopeful John Edwards.

That’s right. John Edwards. The guy with the hair. Who’s running for president.

Apparently, some chick told the National Enquirer a few months back that Edwards cheated on his sick wife with her, leaving her sperminated and disgraced.

The news today is that an “ex-key official” in Edwards’s campaign (who has a family of his own) is actually the baby daddy, allowing Edwards to have some of his integrity back, but not all, since he totally had a lying bastard working for him.

Now, I’m aware that sex is a pretty popular activity, but when the hell did it start to become popular to have unplanned pregnancies?! Obviously, this sort of thing happens, but when you’re rich and famous, one would think you’d have enough change in your pockets to buy a few boxes of condoms or get yourself a nice supply of birth control pills.

Kids aren’t like designer purses. Just because they’re fashionable right now doesn’t mean that you can trade them in for something better later. Young Hollywood (and ex-presidential officials) better start smartening up fast, or there’s gonna be a whole lot of baby backlash.

Here at the College Candy offices, we watch a lot of TV. In our mindless daytime TV repertoire is everything you can ask for…if you’re asking for trash.

But it’s good trash! Jerry Springer, The Price Is Right, Judge Judy, and then our favorite…back-to-back episodes of Maury.

I love Maury Povich. He’s pushing 70 and he can still instill fear into the toughest baby-daddy. And that, my friends, is admirable. After watching 2 episodes a day for the last few weeks, I’ve noticed a pattern from Maury. He’s not just a talk show host. He’s a teacher willing to listen, educate, and then find our real fathers. And because he’s a veritable saint, there are many things we could all learn from Mr. Povich.

Write this down:

If you feed your children whatever they want….they will be obese. And Maury will let you know you’re a terrible parent.

Boys Beware: Women who look like men are way more common than one would think.

“You don’t know” any angry (or, slutty) teen girls. And if you do? “They don’t care” what you think!

Guys, you’re probably the father. Girls, stop having so much unprotected sex.

Forget birth control, forget condoms. I have found IT. And by IT I mean the foolproof way to stop teenage/unwanted pregnancies, stop the spread of std’s, hell–it might even stop you from wanting to have sex (I said might). Okay, all of the above may put Maury Povich out of a job- but I’m pretty sure my idea is like, uh, genius. How come no one has ever thought of this before? Sure all those conservative-good-Christian-political people preach teaching abstinence only education as a way to stop std’s and pregnancies out of wedlock (which is clearly not working in this country) and those a bit more liberal preach the importance of teaching safe sex practices and forms of birth control. I am not discounting that. BUT I do think my idea is a fantabulous new way to put a halt to this “who’s my baby-daddy” nonsense going on in our society right now.

Where did this brilliant idea come from? Wellllll, moving back home for the summer has made my Friday and Saturday nights … different (to say the least). I have traded in shots and bar crawls for yoga class and early bird movies. Partayyy, I know. The past two nights, I have seen Knocked Up and Waitress, both which have given me the inspiration for a new found form of birth-control.

It happened in an instant- a theater chock full of horny teen and twenty-somethings on dates or in groups screamed and squirmed at the sight and very real experience of birth. Nothing says romance like seeing a close up of a baby’s headed crowning in Katherine Heigl’s (or body double-which gets me thinking… how do they even cast for that?) vajayjay or Keri Russell’s full frontal face close-up screaming bloody murder.

Within seconds guys dropped their girl’s hands and placed them back in their buckets of popcorn and just like that it was goodbye late night hookup plan and hellllo Playboy and lotion. My gal pal and I were scarred for life- no kids and no getting into any situation that might lead to that whole baby-crowning, screaming my head of kind of thing (I am shuddering as I am typing this because I haven’t been able to get the image out of my head for the past 48 hours)

Not to mention this new proposed birth control of mine is not only cheaper (around 9 bucks or less if you have a valid student ID) it also screams ‘no weight gain or mood swings here-thank you very much’.

So trust me, force yourself to see Knocked Up (it is actually hysterical minus the whole birthing thing) or watch any real-live birth delivery. That oughta help next time you are thinking of getting it on without making sure he has one on.

And if not… that’s what the paternity tests on Mr. Mo Po’s show are there for.